[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to Let's Not Sugar Coded. [SPEAKER_00]: Season 3 is here and we're excited to dive into the core of communication relationships and leadership. [SPEAKER_01]: We are hosts, Bella and Lee, a husband and wife duo with a successful business helping couples and organizations get it together to play a bigger game and elevate the relationships and performance. [SPEAKER_00]: We believe in keeping it real.
[SPEAKER_00]: So each week we'll bring you incredible guests onto the nurse sharing their authentic experiences along with episodes featuring just the two of us tackling the tough topics. [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're ready to enhance your connections and sharpen your leadership skills, you're in the right place, let's get started. [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, hello, welcome to another episode of Let's Not Sugar Code It.
[SPEAKER_01]: Today we're gonna be talking about just some tools and things that we have not just, [SPEAKER_01]: learned, but I think, relearn as we continue to work on business, relationship, or selves, as well as a bit of a recap on some conversations that we've had over the last little while. [SPEAKER_01]: It's been a minute since it's just been you and I talking. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I think it's so important to stay in the communication because, um, and the conversation.
[SPEAKER_00]: because we tend to learn things, pick up things, you listen to a podcast, you take a course, you go to an event, and then you're a raw raw raw raw, I got all these tools, and then if you don't use them, you lose them. [SPEAKER_00]: So having that cost and reoccurring conversation, staying in that, [SPEAKER_00]: is only good if you're able to motivate yourself every single time.
[SPEAKER_00]: Can't be an external, it's those atomic habits, it's building that muscle of repetition and continuously evolving and using those tools that we collect along the way. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, motivation, because it's a feeling, I feel unreliable. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's unreliable because it's fleeting.
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's there, [SPEAKER_01]: And so discipline, intention, so word we've been using a lot lately, is very important because those things stacked on each other when you're consistent with discipline and intention, motivation becomes more often, right? [SPEAKER_01]: It's kind of like the boost that you get in your days and I just think when you're talking about using the tools of thinking of the word transformation.
[SPEAKER_01]: And how, I think a butterfly is kind of a universal metaphor symbol and analogy for transformation. [SPEAKER_01]: But the thing is this is a difference between those aha moments and insights and transformation. [SPEAKER_01]: So you read something, you attend a workshop, you listen to something, and it's that aha moment. [SPEAKER_01]: You learn a tool, you learn a new mindset, [SPEAKER_01]: but it's not really a transformation until you apply it, until you turn it into action.
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, the butterfly, when it's a caterpillar and it goes into its cocoon and it transforms into a butterfly, like it would be completely different if when it came out of cocoon, it's got these beautiful wings now. [SPEAKER_01]: but it's still crawls, never flies. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's kind of what we're talking about. [SPEAKER_01]: Is the difference of getting the wings, [SPEAKER_01]: being told now you can fly.
[SPEAKER_01]: If you use the wings, you can fly, but if you never try it for yourself, you'll always just be crawling no matter what. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I mean, this kind of aligns with what we're doing right now. [SPEAKER_00]: We decided, you decided. [SPEAKER_00]: I just jumped on this shed. [SPEAKER_00]: to go 90 days without drinking.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't because of, you know, dry January, like, oh, yes, summer has always been tough in the Okinawan for us, because, you know, friends, family, we do live in a beautiful wine country, but it was something to do with not just transforming the alcohol and you habits, but [SPEAKER_00]: you know we are doing a bit of an experiment.
[SPEAKER_00]: How we're going to feel and how we're going to look and even though sometimes as well as how we're going to think and how we're going to think that's right. [SPEAKER_00]: You know talking about motivation I am not motivated to get up every single morning with you since you changed the time again five in the morning, five thirty to hit the gym.
[SPEAKER_00]: But as we've been traveling as a family together, we decided, okay, this is going to be our new habit, this is going to be our new experiment, and let's see. [SPEAKER_00]: how far we can go and where this journey will take us. [SPEAKER_00]: But if we didn't take those actions, if we didn't take those steps, you know, the motivation, you know, first three days would be like, yes, let's do it and then we'd follow the boat. [SPEAKER_00]: It's been 21 days now. [SPEAKER_01]: 22 days.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're into the fourth week now. [SPEAKER_00]: Fourth week and let me tell you, I feel better, I look better. [SPEAKER_00]: think more clearly. [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have headvolk sleeping, has been phenomenon. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's just been really focusing on the goals that we have set and the intentions we've put in. [SPEAKER_00]: Not so much we motivate each other here and there, but for the most part it's that vision and mission and that [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
[SPEAKER_01]: And it is also, yeah, like you just said, so tied to what we want for our lives and what we're building, not just for long-term health. [SPEAKER_01]: You know, this isn't a, you know, sobriety journey. [SPEAKER_01]: But it's very much about if we're really serious about achieving what we want then, it all comes down to what habits do we need to have. [SPEAKER_01]: And let's do a really hard restart.
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's not wait till a beginning of the year like a January, right, where everyone dumps on that bandwagon. [SPEAKER_01]: S, do it now. [SPEAKER_01]: And let's not do it for 30 days. [SPEAKER_01]: Let's do it for 90. [SPEAKER_01]: I have a friend that told me, he's really excited about this journey and said, man, like 90 days is gonna be great. [SPEAKER_01]: He goes, wait till he hit just 60.
[SPEAKER_01]: Think and process information is just going to be next level and so yeah, this is just part of choosing something in our life that Because of where we live and events. [SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of things that you know alcohol is a part of and so let's do something that is kind of [SPEAKER_01]: out of the box, right, for us in a lot of ways, and it's just been nothing but great things. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I'm going back to the setting of New Year's Resolutions.
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe this, okay, and this is just my theory. [SPEAKER_00]: This is what I implement. [SPEAKER_00]: Winter is not for new beginnings. [SPEAKER_00]: Winter is for rest. [SPEAKER_00]: It's for reaping the rewards of the year. [SPEAKER_00]: Spring is when [SPEAKER_00]: Life begins. [SPEAKER_00]: Spring is when you awaken your body, your senses, the days get longer. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, you just feel a lot more alive when spring comes and that's when I said my intentions.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's when I start my productive year. [SPEAKER_00]: It's in that cycle. [SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to winter, I want to rest. [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to January. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, like literally we just finished a whole, we completed a whole year of [SPEAKER_00]: whatever we are doing. [SPEAKER_00]: And now I'm supposed to start again and force myself to which nothing against anybody who wants to do that.
[SPEAKER_00]: There's seasons in our life, and not just our life, but in our years. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, so I do recommend dropping the [SPEAKER_00]: digest and then when spring comes and you feel that energetic pull to create to [SPEAKER_00]: feel alive and move through those projects, that's when you go. [SPEAKER_00]: And that's really for more of the entrepreneurs and because businesses they have their fiscal years starts and more. [SPEAKER_00]: But that's when the planning starts.
[SPEAKER_01]: No, that's right. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: But I mean to build off what you're saying, I believe to do it right if there was such a thing.
[SPEAKER_01]: is you should be doing it at least every three months, is every three months the process you go through it on in January to create a new year's resolution of the things that you want to do better, the things you want to change, [SPEAKER_01]: You should be building off that and doing that exact same process every three months. [SPEAKER_01]: Because an important part of, we were just having this conversation just a few days ago yesterday.
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And I really don't melt together now. [SPEAKER_01]: But when you set a vision for your future, when you really dream big, a by-product of that is creating a gap between where you want to be, [SPEAKER_01]: and the reality of where you are. [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're really dreaming that you should start to feel, yes, excited, but also a little like uncomfortable.
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, that's true up in some tension, resistance, whatever it is, because you start to realize that maybe you're a lot further away from where you wanna be. [SPEAKER_01]: And in order to get on the path, you really need to focus on, okay, be real with where I'm at, [SPEAKER_01]: taking a look at that feedback, you know, taking a look at what are my habits, right? [SPEAKER_01]: What are my behaviors?
[SPEAKER_01]: What are my patterns and are they in service of where I want to be in chances are? [SPEAKER_01]: There's a very high percentage that I'm not going to say most or half, but there's going to be habits that you have that are not in service of you achieving your dream because [SPEAKER_01]: You probably would have already achieved that dream. [SPEAKER_01]: And so you need to start shaking things up and changing things.
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're only taking a look back, [SPEAKER_01]: every 12 months, you're going to miss not just very important data because you're going to forget because our subconscious has a way of lying to us, tricking us into thinking that we're doing better than what we actually are, and so we get complacent.
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're going to miss those important data points that we won't capture if we're doing it every three months [SPEAKER_01]: But we're also going to miss those opportunities to pivot, right, because we're not going to execute perfectly every time. [SPEAKER_01]: We are going to catch ourselves being complacent and so it allows us to like pick up that intention again, right, and build some momentum.
[SPEAKER_00]: and when things are too far out, we tend to procrastinate as well, right? [SPEAKER_00]: So if you said, okay, every three months, I'm gonna check in and see what my progress is, what tools I've used to implement, to change my habits, to change my business, to change my relationship. [SPEAKER_00]: But you wait all year, like you said, you're gonna miss all these things because a lot of people are like, oh, I have so much now, how many times have we done something?
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, [SPEAKER_00]: Talk about university even high school. [SPEAKER_00]: You have a assignment to do. [SPEAKER_00]: I bet majority of the people. [SPEAKER_00]: There's only a few, I know in my classes, back in the day. [SPEAKER_00]: There was only a few who were the keeners and got their work done ahead of time. [SPEAKER_00]: Majority of us were scrambling to get the papers finished, last minute, your cram, even studying.
[SPEAKER_00]: You cram, you know, day before two days before, but if you consistently studied and it wouldn't be such a, [SPEAKER_00]: shock, right? [SPEAKER_00]: And then you do miss a lot of the information when you're trying to cram because there's a lot to absorb at once. [SPEAKER_00]: So when we're setting these goals and tensions, visions, missions for our life, it is very important to check in. [SPEAKER_00]: We do it weekly, uh, Sundays, where we just kind of check a, hey, what's working?
[SPEAKER_00]: What's not working? [SPEAKER_00]: Can I help you with anything? [SPEAKER_00]: How can I show for you and so on so forth? [SPEAKER_00]: And then every three months, have we reached their goal? [SPEAKER_00]: If not, how come? [SPEAKER_00]: And those are the conversations that can, especially in a [SPEAKER_01]: partner ship where you're also partners in life.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, can come across these difficult conversations because looking at where we are may not be where we want to be at this particular moment in our life and we sometimes go on the defensive well I have this and this and that instead of just say okay this is what's so so now how do we move forward? [SPEAKER_00]: However, we're not really taught that communication sounds like, okay, well, it is okay. [SPEAKER_00]: for this moment, to be this moment.
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's okay where we are now because now we're taking action to change. [SPEAKER_00]: So then we propel ourselves for and get back on track. [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_00]: Versus, that defense, because that's another thing we wanted to talk about. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, so beautifully said, because we do, we have a tendency to really personalize.
[SPEAKER_01]: The things that we say we're going to do and when we look back and almost always find some things that we didn't actually accomplish and we know it has something to do with us.
[SPEAKER_01]: We associate that little bit with our identity in a way and so it's really hard to sit there and really hold yourself accountable and then when you're also sitting there with [SPEAKER_01]: the person that's your business partner as well as your partner in life, it becomes even especially at the beginning more uncomfortable because there's a lot more vulnerability there because this person knows everything about you and that's where those conversations are so
[SPEAKER_01]: powerful if you enter them with intention, because without intention. [SPEAKER_01]: And when I say intention of these important to say that it requires a level of awareness, right? [SPEAKER_01]: That's what we're saying about intention is that you're going into that conversation with an intended outcome of that like this, a purpose, there's an intended outcome, and you're being very conscious about what's going on.
[SPEAKER_01]: And because if you don't, [SPEAKER_01]: What'll happen is you're subconsciously take over and there'll be a part in that conversation where all of a sudden, because you feel uncomfortable, you're feeling some tension, there's a natural desire to want to defend yourself.
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you have that emotion of defending yourself, [SPEAKER_01]: It will almost always, without that intention, show up in some form of blame game, or defending yourself, like you said, saying, well, you know, I was doing this thing, or that thing, or like, yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: And it's gonna skew the results at the end because we're not sitting in reality.
[SPEAKER_00]: We're sitting in making ourselves look good in front of the other person, versus saying, okay, there's been mistakes that have been made. [SPEAKER_00]: And the stakes are okay to make as long as they don't repeat themselves over and over again. [SPEAKER_00]: That's right. [SPEAKER_00]: Then there's a problem.
[SPEAKER_00]: But as you know, you're starting in business or starting in life as a couple, [SPEAKER_00]: Mistakes are going to happen, but it's so important to come to the table and sit down and say, okay, this is the mistake. [SPEAKER_00]: What I, yes, I admit, I procrastinated, I admit, I got distracted, I admit, there was something there for me that prevented me from taking those steps and I didn't look at it and I didn't tell you about it because it made me feel a certain way.
[SPEAKER_00]: That's where that transformation comes. [SPEAKER_00]: That's where the change happens. [SPEAKER_00]: That's where growth happens. [SPEAKER_00]: That's when we propel when we sit in the truth and are able to tell our partners and ourselves that it is okay and now I'm seeking out why and how I can change so that I can move forward and we can move forward collectively in a partnership and in a relationship. [SPEAKER_01]: mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, absolutely.
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, it a part of that process is allowing yourself to drop the armor, drop your guard, embrace vulnerability by leaning into that discomfort and it might also be like saying, hey, [SPEAKER_01]: I am really feeling uncomfortable about this conversation because I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't say what I was going to do and it's really making me feel like I need to defend myself or come up with excuses and I don't want to do that.
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want it, I want to be able to embrace this process and move through it, but by saying those things, you kind of set the stage for what's so.
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's important to just talk about what's so for a quick second, because it's a very powerful statement, because [SPEAKER_01]: As human beings, we are meeting making machines, and so we're constantly trying to make meaning of every thought, everything, every feeling, and what so is it strips all of that away, and it's just what so. [SPEAKER_01]: So in this example, what so is, we set a goal, and we didn't meet it. [SPEAKER_01]: That's just what so.
[SPEAKER_01]: Adding in [SPEAKER_01]: The way I feel I feel wrong. [SPEAKER_01]: I don't feel enough or I feel judged. [SPEAKER_01]: Great. [SPEAKER_01]: That's all meaning making. [SPEAKER_01]: That's happening. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but what's so strips all that away. [SPEAKER_00]: And it's just That's what it is. [SPEAKER_01]: It's just what it is. [SPEAKER_01]: And so the what so conversation is.
[SPEAKER_01]: taking a look at the facts, the data, whatever it is, and then what so conversation is, okay, if we were to do the same thing again, what do we change? [SPEAKER_01]: What do we do different? [SPEAKER_01]: How do I change my behavior? [SPEAKER_01]: How do we support each other differently to make sure that we achieve? [SPEAKER_01]: That's the what's so peace, which is a very powerful company. [SPEAKER_01]: It requires that intention.
[SPEAKER_00]: intention and requires emotional intelligence, 100% because we are wired to defend to protect ourselves. [SPEAKER_00]: But disconnecting those emotions, those feelings from that what soul is so important.
[SPEAKER_00]: and knowing and trusting your partner is also very important that if I come with just what's so conversation, I know my partner understands that there's a breakdown and we need that breakthrough to move forward because there's something in our way [SPEAKER_00]: that's preventing either us collectively or me individually or you're never to move forward. [SPEAKER_00]: And that's so important to even in business, you know, in corporations when we work with people.
[SPEAKER_00]: We sit down and it's like, what is so? [SPEAKER_00]: What is happening in your team environment? [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: Without the extras. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, before we say it's this result, this finding, this state of your culture, before we say this is good, this is bad, this is right, this is wrong, it's just what's so. [SPEAKER_01]: Then we decide afterwards, intentionally. [SPEAKER_01]: What does this mean? [SPEAKER_01]: But before that, it's just what's so.
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, I want to go back because you just said, it's like you've got to practice these things. [SPEAKER_01]: Again, it's like having wings and learn in the fly. [SPEAKER_01]: getting the mindset, the tool, it means you still need to practice it. [SPEAKER_01]: And so I want to just say that when one of us says, hey, this is where my head's at, right now in this conversation. [SPEAKER_01]: It's also an invitation to give me a little space in grace, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I want to have a what-so conversation, but this is also how I'm feeling right now. [SPEAKER_01]: So at this way, [SPEAKER_01]: You also don't end up on the defense, if something comes out right, and then you can support me that way in vice versa.
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, oh, we were talking about, so a lot of this conversation is around vision of course, right, achieving our goals, uh, really important question that has really provided some of this like clarity to what you need to do to change your habits is when you come up with who you want to be in the future, because that's usually what our visions are right
[SPEAKER_01]: you've got to ask yourself honestly, who am I today and take a look at, what are my habits, who do I hang out with, where am I spending my time, who am I spending my time with, and start really asking yourself, [SPEAKER_01]: are these things contributing to who I want to be? [SPEAKER_01]: And what do I want to accomplish? [SPEAKER_01]: And this is not a process that takes minutes or hours. [SPEAKER_01]: It is a process that at a minimum takes weeks.
[SPEAKER_01]: especially for the first time around because that's what it did for us is when we first sat down and decided we really need to get clarity on what I want. [SPEAKER_01]: Just me. [SPEAKER_01]: at having a what-so conversation with myself, right? [SPEAKER_01]: With all that, without the constraints and limitations of being a father, being a husband, being a son, and all these things, in you doing the same, it wasn't a quick process.
[SPEAKER_01]: And in doing that, there are things that was really like, envisioned something, and it's like, it lights me up, but then it's quickly as it lights me up, it's like, [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, that seems kind of scary to accomplish that.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there's these things like, well, who am I to achieve this business status to be for us to achieve a globally renowned, [SPEAKER_01]: business or who am I to speak on stages of tens of thousands of people in the audience right like all these things and that's when you start to lie to yourself around [SPEAKER_01]: your dream. [SPEAKER_01]: And you kind of lessen your dream. [SPEAKER_01]: You dream a little smaller, you play a little smaller to close the gaps.
[SPEAKER_01]: You start to feel a little bit more comfortable, right? [SPEAKER_01]: There's a little bit less tension. [SPEAKER_00]: And you start to line to yourself about your dream then. [SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, no, I don't want that.
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't need that, and let me start resenting those two achieve our dreams, and then you blame them and you poke holes in their life and their reality because they're able to have that power to take those actions, because who are we as people? [SPEAKER_00]: It's whoever we say us to be. [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we have the power to achieve anything, but we limit ourselves in those dreams and those goals because you only achieve as much as you think you're enough to do so. [SPEAKER_01]: That's right, and that's why you need to take some time because a part of the clarity comes out of sitting in that tension, sitting in that resistance you're feeling when you had that thought of, I could do this, I can achieve this, I want that. [SPEAKER_01]: and I want to be this person.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you need to sit in an explorer, well, why? [SPEAKER_01]: Why do I feel like I can't achieve that? [SPEAKER_01]: Or why do I feel the need to have to listen? [SPEAKER_01]: What would it cost me? [SPEAKER_01]: to achieve that. [SPEAKER_00]: And this is really just as not just like we're not talking about cost monetary. [SPEAKER_00]: No. [SPEAKER_00]: No. [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about Eagle. [SPEAKER_00]: That's right. [SPEAKER_00]: And identity.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely. [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_00]: What it's going to cost me to shed who I believe myself to be. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: And who I want or dare to be. [SPEAKER_01]: I think like a lot of us spent a lot of time sometimes asking the question, what's at risk if I don't do the thing? [SPEAKER_01]: What's at risk if I don't build the business? [SPEAKER_01]: What's at risk if I don't put myself out there?
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of the times, I think our answers are, oh, well, I'm not going to live into my potential or, you know, for some people be like, well, I'm not going to be able to retire when I want to, you know, whatever it might be, and all of those things are very external.
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, if I do put myself out there, and I do do those things, there's also another thing that's at risk, which is in order for me to start becoming that person I want to be, I need to shed who I have been. [SPEAKER_01]: And if I'm not who I have been, then who am I? [SPEAKER_01]: And it's both a very scary place, as well as a very powerful one. [SPEAKER_00]: It's very exciting to actually step into your true essence when you realize that you are enough.
[SPEAKER_00]: You realize who you truly are and what it is you want and that you have the courage no matter what. [SPEAKER_00]: To take those steps to get you closer, to your goal, your dream, to you, because a lot of us live in a space where we live for others, and we show up for others the way we perceive they want us to show up.
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you actually have that moment of clarity that the glorious aha moment of holy man, I've been living a lie to myself, you know, it's when I discovered that I can be [SPEAKER_00]: successful business woman. [SPEAKER_00]: And I can have my witchiness sign. [SPEAKER_00]: My feminine energy, my tuning forks, my breath work, all that stuff. [SPEAKER_00]: But before I had an orbit between those two, I could be this or that.
[SPEAKER_00]: And as I try to suppress one or the other because I tried this and that. [SPEAKER_00]: But I didn't [SPEAKER_00]: There is always this void and the older we get, the more this void grows, you can no longer suppress it. [SPEAKER_00]: It comes screaming at you. [SPEAKER_00]: That's why they call it a midlife awakening. [SPEAKER_00]: Some people may call it midlife crisis. [SPEAKER_00]: Depends on how you approach it and approach it.
[SPEAKER_00]: But this midlife awakening going is like, okay, I have lived this life that wasn't truly mine. [SPEAKER_00]: and that I can be this and that. [SPEAKER_00]: And anything else I want to add on to that. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: There's so much more power and energy in moving forward with your intention, your goals and your dreams. [SPEAKER_01]: Because it's okay to also change your dreams.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: And because your experiences and life change, and we talk often, we actually have a picture on our wall [SPEAKER_01]: Big door at the end of a long hallway with these really long pillars that go up to the ceiling. [SPEAKER_01]: And so if you visualize looking down, that's what you would see is just ceiling that seems like it goes forever. [SPEAKER_01]: The walls are just these pillars can't see anything in between them and the door at the end.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's your vision, that's your dream, that's where you're headed. [SPEAKER_01]: And unless you start moving towards that dream, [SPEAKER_01]: you would never know that in-between those pillars are other doors. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay to say no to those doors. [SPEAKER_01]: But maybe you come across a door that is something that is more appealing. [SPEAKER_01]: It becomes a new dream and new vision.
[SPEAKER_01]: That is more enrolling for yourself than the original one that you had. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay to change because if you didn't go after that first dream, you would never have found this new better one. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why it's also so important to not do a recap of what you want every 12 months. [SPEAKER_01]: To do it more often because our experience is changed. [SPEAKER_00]: Opportunities come up. [SPEAKER_01]: That's right. [SPEAKER_00]: That's the thing.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like when you know where you're going your vision. [SPEAKER_00]: Does it still align? [SPEAKER_00]: You know, let's say you're going in your set your goal for 12 months to be here. [SPEAKER_00]: But suddenly you're taking those steps and you pop up to this curveball place. [SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, wow, do I take this ball because it's so amazing? [SPEAKER_00]: It's still aligned with our vision, our mission, our dreams.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just going to take us a little bit to this side. [SPEAKER_00]: And then you, then you, with clarity, can say, yes, or no. [SPEAKER_00]: And then you continue going. [SPEAKER_00]: But if you just put in a long, there will be lots of different, forks in the road, curve balls, all this stuff. [SPEAKER_00]: And you'll be trying to catch and take every single way just to get you there. [SPEAKER_00]: But where is there?
[SPEAKER_00]: If you don't have clarity, if you don't have that vision, if you don't have that mission, you don't have your core values, you don't have a plan. [SPEAKER_00]: Work the plan. [SPEAKER_00]: You'll never know where you're gonna, it's you'll be like flopping in the water without a compass going, where am I going? [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: I can float, I can swim, but which direction am I going?
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, have intention and brace the suck, you know, sit in that resistance and the tension that you're feeling along the way. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Resist the urge to, you know, pull the cord for the parachute to come out to bring you down to a safe landing and stay in there. [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want that seat on that airplane. [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, no, it is so important that.
[SPEAKER_00]: you know in life and I'm gonna wrap it into a bit of like marriage because we had some conversations at a networking event and you know when we get married first is a relationship there's so many dreams you dream together [SPEAKER_00]: And so many things to achieve, you get together, we start dating, then comes marriage, then babies, house somewhere in between your career. [SPEAKER_00]: And then you come up for air, and you're like, where am I? [SPEAKER_00]: Right?
[SPEAKER_00]: At some point, everything settles. [SPEAKER_00]: As relationships, we settle, we get complacent, [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Maintenance mode. [SPEAKER_00]: Maintenance mode kicks in. [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we start off, I guess you can say like playing to win. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And I just think in when you were, when you were saying, when you, when you start off in a relationship, a lot of your vision.
[SPEAKER_01]: is on achieving things, collecting things, whether it's a salary, a home, a car, vacations, all of those things. [SPEAKER_01]: He do our visions tie into like who we want to be. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And really focus on purpose, our purpose.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we go from playing to win to achieve these things and I think a lot of us get to a place where all of a sudden we get them and then we stop playing to win and we start playing not to lose, right, which is all about that, that maintaining, you know, holding on tight, not letting anything go and we forget that. [SPEAKER_01]: But we don't realize that that forgetting to let go, that not wanting to let go, is also holding on to who we've become.
[SPEAKER_01]: And we associate our success, our external success, what people think of us on the outside, looking in, we've accomplished these things, acquired these things, to move to the next level, it means you need to shed who you've been. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: to become someone else, that person to move to the next level, and you can't do that when you're holding on to tightly, and you're playing not to lose.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_00]: That's why there's just so much tension between couples around our age. [SPEAKER_00]: around, you know, the 40s to 50s, lots of divorce to 6th strictly, because we stopped dreaming. [SPEAKER_00]: Either one person is awakening and the other one is still playing to maintain. [SPEAKER_00]: Growing together no longer looks parallel. [SPEAKER_00]: It's either one as a head or as veering left or right.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: So it is so important to be constantly checking in because as people we change, our needs change, our visions change. [SPEAKER_00]: Life happens, things change, constantly change and if we are not comfortable with change we're going to suffer. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, all in, and we're designed or brands are geared to be uncomfortable with change.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's always knowing that without that intention, without those habits that force you to lean into discomfort by practicing these tools, your brain is working against you most of the time. [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to force you to be comfortable.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to trick you into thinking that [SPEAKER_01]: and it's going to have you avoid those critical conversations that, you know, you need to be having I don't when you're in the 40s and having that midlife weight, but much earlier and keep them going because like you said, people change. [SPEAKER_01]: And so you're not always the same person with the same thoughts and the same aspirations when you're in your two versus your eight versus your 20.
[SPEAKER_01]: And you won't know, unless you're always having these conversations around what I want, not around what I don't want, but what I want. [SPEAKER_00]: And it's throwing a bit of a pair of menopausal thing, okay? [SPEAKER_00]: Women, in their 40s, do go through a lot of changes, and we are looking to our partners to understand that it's not always about them.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I think that's great because it's not, I think sometimes we'll go back to now the emotional intelligence, you know, conversation is there are couples out there that struggle because women are going through this change they don't fully understand it, but they they know enough that it's affecting them. [SPEAKER_01]: And so women act differently than what the men are used to.
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the response, very reactive, defensive responses, while I'm going through permanent bonds. [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: you should learn about it. [SPEAKER_01]: But I think it's an important journey to like learn about it together. [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's how that support happens. [SPEAKER_01]: Instead of it being an excuse in a reason.
[SPEAKER_01]: It's let's learn about this together so we can both support each other because you don't want to feel that way all the time. [SPEAKER_01]: And your partner doesn't want you to feel that way all the time. [SPEAKER_01]: And so we just go back to this. [SPEAKER_01]: It's always great when you are open about what's going on. [SPEAKER_01]: Even even the vulnerable part where it's like, I don't know what's going on. [SPEAKER_01]: And I want to figure this out together.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: OK, well, let's figure this out together. [SPEAKER_01]: So in summary, it's important to dream big. [SPEAKER_01]: And for that dream, those visions to really be focused on not so much of the material things, but to really be focused on who you would have to be to achieve those things, right? [SPEAKER_01]: Your growth and development as a human being, and that's going to create some tension, especially if you haven't done it in a long time or ever.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you need to sit in that tension, sit in that resistance, and explore. [SPEAKER_01]: And don't allow that default reaction to dream small, play small, lie to yourself about what you want, or lie to yourself about where you're at, because there is a tendency to lie that you are further along or doing better than what you actually are.
[SPEAKER_00]: and you know, take if you are for resolutions in January, take the time with your partner, and invite your partner to do this exercise to this experience. [SPEAKER_00]: You will learn so much about each other, to sit down and write out your vision, your goals, your dreams, [SPEAKER_00]: your core values, your core values as a human being, as a family, at the beginning of the year. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: And then come together.
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take you guys a couple of years should take more than. [SPEAKER_00]: Because the most uncomfortable part of that was looking at what I want it, just for me. [SPEAKER_00]: The excuses coming. [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I can't do this because I'm a mother. [SPEAKER_00]: I can't do that because I have a family and and and or what is my partner going to think. [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, about me wanting to achieve this thing. [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, right or wanting to do this or that.
[SPEAKER_00]: So sit in that discomfort and think of what it is that you want for you because it's also your life. [SPEAKER_00]: And your partner's shape shouldn't be limiting you for a living or fulfilled life. [SPEAKER_00]: What is my purpose? [SPEAKER_00]: If you're not feeling like you're fulfilled, like you have a purpose, then you're doing something wrong. [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: Because you're using other things as excuses. [SPEAKER_00]: to become who you truly are meant to be.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: Then do the exercise as a couple. [SPEAKER_01]: Now you then you share. [SPEAKER_01]: You get together and you share. [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_00]: So do it what you want for you, what you want for your partnership, and what you do want for your family and your business, right? [SPEAKER_00]: And then you come together.
[SPEAKER_02]: To [SPEAKER_00]: discuss that and then you see where the overlaps are and where are their things that are not and how then we have the discussion of how we can support each other. [SPEAKER_01]: That's right. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because the growth and development journey is not the same for everybody. [SPEAKER_00]: That's right. [SPEAKER_01]: And so let's say you want to do a couple of screen. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's not really my thing, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying it's not, but, you know, devil's advocate is, that's not my thing, and I want to go on a, I don't know, like, camping off the grid. [SPEAKER_00]: No, there's not my thing. [SPEAKER_01]: No, it's not my thing either, but it's two extremes.
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: There's a way to support each other in that where it's okay, you know, I'm going to go do this thing with you and we find a way for you to be able to support me or come with me to do like my thing, right, and because that's that's what it means to support each other. [SPEAKER_01]: And so once you get that clarity on those things, then it's taking that and not building out your plan over the course of 12 months.
[SPEAKER_01]: And say, okay, in order to achieve this goal, this vision we need to be here next year. [SPEAKER_01]: You need to really look at 30, 60, 90 days. [SPEAKER_01]: And really build that out, 30, 60, 90 days get really clear on what you need to accomplish and then have those reviews because that's that feedback loop where you get to start to look at what am I doing, what am I not doing, that's not contributing to getting these [SPEAKER_01]: We get our environment, triggers us, right?
[SPEAKER_01]: It's an antecedent. [SPEAKER_01]: It's like people in their cell phones, their mobile phones. [SPEAKER_01]: Phone buzzes at rings. [SPEAKER_01]: That's the trigger. [SPEAKER_01]: That's an antecedent. [SPEAKER_01]: Our behavior is automatically triggered to usually pick that up and take a look at it. [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't matter if we're in a conversation with somebody else. [SPEAKER_01]: And then there's some form of consequence, positive and negative.
[SPEAKER_01]: Usually, if it's a positive, like, ooh, right? [SPEAKER_01]: I got a, I got a like on my post. [SPEAKER_01]: right that gives me a little dopamine spike. [SPEAKER_01]: So now it's going to reaffirm that trigger in the future. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to keep doing that. [SPEAKER_01]: If it's negative, maybe I take a look at it and it's somebody I don't want to hear from him less likely to pick it up.
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we need to look at those 30, 16, 90 days as a way to be able to say, what are new triggers, new ways I need to design my environment, my day-to-day, my new habits. [SPEAKER_01]: So that when these triggers happen, it moves me towards my goals instead of getting in the way of me achieving my goals. [SPEAKER_01]: and doing that very intentionally and honestly and having those conversations with our partner having what's so dialogues.
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes. [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. [SPEAKER_00]: So what's so is that we are coming to an end? [SPEAKER_00]: So where you can find us? [SPEAKER_00]: You can find us on. [SPEAKER_00]: Let's not show the coded.com website. [SPEAKER_00]: You can find us at thepicoinstitute.com. [SPEAKER_01]: And follow us on Instagram and any platform where you listen to your favorite podcast, find us there. [SPEAKER_00]: And if you have any questions, comments, podcasts, ideas, reach out, we're here.
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