"Trauma-Rama" (w/ Fran Gillespie)

you tweeted out? I tweeted out a statement that confirmed that we had sex. We did not, But um, I think it's fun. And STUDI has for nearly a decade loved to push this narrative that we've had sex and have a sexual relations with and Stud and we have fake had sex on stage and my parents and her parents both watched. You guys did not fake make out? Was that we were talking about, like just stick Study is the woman in this world that I have made

out with the most. And then it really hurt my feelings one day when like we were going to do a sketch Billy Domino Rota sketch where we played this isn't in very college sketch. We played children who woke up on Christmas morning and we're so excited that they fucked, and that was very much studio and ized. It was such a sketchule relationship. I remember that that day and

we were running at one time. It was like the best of show at the end of the year, and Sudi expressed frustration that we had to kiss and it hurt me. What was her frustration? She didn't want to kiss me, And it was weird because she had gasolate me into thinking I was a good kisser, and then all of a sudden on day she was like, oh, I really don't want to kiss you tonight. And I was like, well, we don't have to, but I'm like, out, chansky something anytime, anytime me, you, Sudi and your mother

could train her in a room together. You never failed to bring up the time when Sudi, like we were all together at a bar after a show, because Sudi does this thing where she likes to kiss people on the mouth, and I want to ask my st if she's experienced this this phenomenon, because she's very close with Sudi, but he likes to kiss on the mouth. Let me, let me finish this story. So then Sudi and I kissed in the mouth just as a way to say goodbye or to show affection. And then I can't believe

this happened. And then Katrina, your mother asked me, asked you a me, so, how long have Bone and Sudie been dating? And I was like, oh my god. It made me stick to my stomach. Was it was that? Because this is what I have to ask you stop? Was that was that born of jealousy? I was jealous, jealous of both parties and also like I was just like, Mom,

do you can't think this? I was like, I just like, it's so I don't know the fact that she sexualized you both and you now it seems she's sexualizing you. She sexualizes everyone. And let's bring our guests in on this because we need to get hurt. I want to know, I want the tea well our guest is. I'm so I'm so excited for this is a really good one for me because I don't think our guests knows this, but we love I tell study this because I'm very gagged that they're so close, and I love our guests

very deeply. In fact, this our guest was the reason I became obsessed with you CB, and I used to seek out your performances and go a lot to your show. Let's get it. She was my favorite amperviser you see me when I when I was first, going first, going Okay. She always talked about a scene that she did with Middle Ditch where they played the sun in the moon. Oh my god, she doesn't remember that scene because she's done so many. Her action as you played the moon

and your action was boo boo, which sounds right. It sounds it sounds right when the credits come rolling down, they come rolling down. She is a writer at Saturday Night Live, supervising writer writing supervising UM the title doesn't matter, but it does, and she's written for UM Hot American Summer ten years later and Big Mouth, which UM, so so funny. Please welcome. Yeah, you are my favorite. I am learning this now and it's brassing me. Don't I

don't be embarrassed, because I truly, I genuinely love. Also, Studio always tells me don't ever tell her that, because she says, don't be a fan. Yeah, it's funny when people are like, oh, my god, I saw all of your improv shows or whatever, because I just can't imagine how many bad shows that was. Like, it is true, I was doing UCB most days of the week for the better part of a decade. I can't remember any single scene, never a single one. I mean truly cannot

remember one improv scene. I don't know. Well, I guess watching it with you like your own, you don't remember. So. But I'm when I say, like I saw it out your improv shows, I mean I went to like five you know what I mean, Like I really enjoyed five good and the memories are only positive. But it is just like there are so many thousands of shows that it's like the percentage, Just like I would say, what do you think the improv percentages good? I mean, when

you're very talented, for you, it might be. I mean, I would say, half the time I walk off stage, I'm like, oh, there goes that night. But then half the time I'm like, yeah, let's get a drink, you know what I mean. Then those are the extremes of it. It's like you walk off stage and you like, I guess my worst shows are ones that are just completely fucking off the rails, but not in a fun way.

There's like off the Rails were like everyone is being insane and then you're like out of breath at the end of the show and you're like that was crazy. And there's off the Rails where it's like the audience wasn't even laughing. We were all definitely screaming, definitely improvising, but like I peeped like the first row and like people were frowning. We did the assignment but wasn't fun, which is like, honestly a lot of improv from me. I never got improv. I don't know. We've talked about

this a whole bunch of this podcast. Like I was very much on the sketch side of things because improv just terrified me. So when people like like we would sometimes do a sketch show after an improv show is getting out and it'd be like all the really good improvisers and they would like talk about the set, and I would be like trying to listen in like how do they talk about it? You know what I mean?

I just language I never understood, but discussing an improv show after an improv show, like there might not be anything more disgusting about like, oh I'm sorry, Oh no, this is great when you're like first on a herald team and um, after the herald you go backstage and then just like people are apologizing to each other because you just like I don't know each other that well, and you're like, you know, there's so much pressure and the steaks are so high that you put on yourself

and then you like go backstage and it's like, I'm so sorry for that second beat. Were you thinking analogies? It's like, oh, oh, were you thinking analogus? Like the group game, we were all dogs right, okay, we ye and I thought that, but it was like so discussing when they were when I think. I think I had a Brandon Gardner for two o one and he was like explaining what analogous in time jump time lap because when he was explaining it, I was like performing so

hard that I understood. That's what being twenty years old in classes that I was like absolutely that. I get thinking about how how much you understand and you're not hearing any of the information, which is unfortunately when I started saying classes when I was nineteen years old, the same with me. Actually, I started when I was eighteen. I went to ny U just like you guys, and I when I got to ny U, who cares about this back story? But I'll just know a lot of

people care, Okay. So I went to n y U. And I grew up in Chicago, and I went to n y U. And when I went to audition and why it was the first time I had ever been on a plane. I knew absolutely no one on the East Coast. I'm midwell, Midwest born and raised, like all my family lives in the Midwest. We'd only got on like car vacations, not only they're incredible, but um and I love a car vacation. Do you have like a

nice good van for it? No, we had. We had a Volvo station Wagon and I sat in the way way back because all my other siblings said they got car sick, which I found out later they didn't one of those Oh it's like, oh yeah, I can't sit the middle cartick car sick like I can't. And my sister said I kicked in my sleep, so I would sleep on the floor and she would get like a

queen size bed. When we went on vacations. It was brutal, but we had a Volvo station Wagon and I sat in the way way back, sometimes with my little brother, sometimes just with a cooler of food, and the only time people would interact with me would be like, excuse me, turkey sandwich, and that would just be like And these were these were short drives, fourteen hours stops. Oh. Yes. We went from Chicago to up state well you would call it northern Minnesota. It's like almost Canada. And we

went every summer upstate Minnesota. It's like uh. And we went every single year for twenty years and it was great. But I had never been on a plane. And then so when I went to ny U, obviously knew nobody, knew nothing, had nothing, which just like completely lost. Sobbing to my mom and she's like, just join a club, Just go and join a club, just like have you know. She was over it too. Well, she was like, I'm gonna pay for you to do like one of those

orientation activities. It was the Sex and the City bus tour. Um. I did sit with a nursing student who was like in her forties. I was like, okay, no friends there. Um. But so then the same day I auditioned for an Acapella group and Harmonic. Actually I think it was was that the Tische one there was like, oh well maybe that was like well they were like the third thing was like they were fierce. Oh my god, I think it was. I've never thought of that name, probably since

I audition. But then I also auditioned for Hammercats and Hammercats was in its second semester because it started mid year, the year before I got to n y U, and so it was like the second semester of hammer Cats. And then amost like Donald and Derek and d C. It was we're talking about Donald and Dominic. D C was my age, and so he was also auditioning. He knew the head of Hammercrats um because they had grown

up in Arizona together. It was his name was a j. And I think he writes, um, uh no, um, what's it like? What's like a gamer? Video games? What's like a gamer? And she made a little drummer boy sorry, was like a gamer? Yes? Um? And who else was in it? Oh, Dan, Gregor, Doug Man, Perez, Greg Broke. So then I joined hammer Cats and then forever more we hung out, I would say six days a week, and that was just my social life. But then they all took QUCB classes. I had never heard of UCB,

but they were like, you gotta take UCB class. So I started when I was like eighteen nineteen, which is so so embarrassing. No no, no, no no, it's embarrassing to think of who I was. You're never the best version of yourself back. Oh my god, bad behavior every single day in my life. But also like hat was so stupid and knew nothing and so like I couldn't vised about anything because I didn't know anything. Also like

wasn't street smart or book smart. So it was just like but all my so all my scenes were like about having like a mom and siblings, you know what I mean? What were My major ended up being English and Spanish. Originally it was musical theater and I transferred immediately because my first semester of college my classes were like voice lessons and Alexander technique and of course writing

the essay. And I also didn't have friends in those classes because it was like musical theater people, which I love, But I would say, you're I was not making friends. I won't blame them. It was me. It was like I didn't have friends and the classes were insane, and I knew how much the school was costing, and so I was like, this is not happening. So I transferred immediately and was an English and Spanish major. But I did the opposite of you. I wasn't serious and transferred

into dramatic writing. It tis let's makes no. I wasn't worthless. But you know, I'm happy I did it because you met people matter now, Like I know, I think about college and I'm like I had during college. I had two ny U friends and then just truly every single day doing like UCB stuff. That's where you met the people. Yeah, that's I mean, it's where like I was just there so so much that when I think about college, I just think about, like you know, hammercuts and you see,

but I didn't. I don't think I got my Willie's out, you know what I mean? Like I think I think I had problems later into my twenties because I was like, but I didn't really have a college experience, Like I was a person like at Torco, like talking to the improv group and being like and where is um? The party afterwards were wet and drink beer, Like I was a person that like at the Tchurko was just like, Okay, someone I connected with in this school, and where's the party?

Someone be partners? Just like who just like didn't get my willies out and so like into my like late twenties was definitely like bringing like beer bongs to UCB parties and being like, who wants to play flip cops? And your ratio stands is like you know, no, like not doing like truly a child, so you didn't like get your partying um hat on in high school. You know, in high school we did party, but it was like

we I wasn't cool in high school. Um but definitely I have the exact same personality now that I had in high school, and people don't like that, especially if you're just kind like always loud and mean. But also sixteen people are like friends with you because you're kind of scary. Yeah, we have to. We don't want to be on the other side of it. Because I desperately wanted to be cool. I wasn't cool. I knew I was never gonna be. It was just like whatever's happening

is happening. Boys like definitely didn't like me romantically, but like, you know, I was just I don't know, but we would get we would um shoulder tap. Do you know what that is? Okay? Shoulder tapping is where you park in a parking lot of a liquor store and someone goes and taps uh stranger on the shoulder. You give them twenty bucks and say, if you get us a brick of Milwaukee's best, you can just keep the change.

And I grew up basically on the Northwestern campus and so constantly called constantly, like you know, a twenty year old with a vag idea himself was like okay, fine, And so we would shoulder tap and get like a big brick of beer and then like go drink it in like someone's basement. I mean, never with boys, just like you know, just like me and my girlfriends, just like oh, we would drink a friend of mine had a pool, new a pool, and we would drink from yeah,

of course, of course, wow, of course. We used to get a little plastic We would get one handle of Bacardi Ras, the first alcoholic drink, Bacardi raz. And now it's like when I say the words, we'd mix it with orange juice and just like have our little plastic cups and being my one friend who had like a cool mom's backyard and like be sipping like this like weird drink Bacardi ras and orange juice, which is that

a thing that's too many flavors? Favors right time? Ifacardi raz is already a flavored thing, it's like, so is it carbonated or no? I don't think it is, but like and then we just put it together because you knew you needed a mixer, right, it's an alcoholic drink. You need a mixer, so you get that in that and like put it together and I don't know what I don't Baccardi raz was like a thing like you decide you want something. It was Bacardi raz and ninety

nine apples proof like apple vodka. Right. And I had one friend, Kenny who I just referenced it like in the last episode, who would fill a water bottle up with ninety nine apples and then he loved to show off how he could chug it. He's gonna loves and literally we would be insanely fucked up and I would just like, honestly, I'd almost like it was like defining how did not drink? Like in the very first few

weeks of discovering alcohol. So I guess like we got like our vicious alcohol problems out of the way very early and like really wrecked ourselves, like right there, because there's Long Island and that's just what you did. And do you guys have drinks that you can't have anymore? Because it was like when you're wheat beer because okay, at my college graduation, I went back to the island. My parents did me like a graduation party and they had um blue Moon on tap and it was like

an open bar the situation they had had. So I was drinking a lot of blue Moon because I thought, for some reason it felt like it was light to me. I don't know, I didn't really know it. Whatever, we bear a sneaky though, okay, we can. And it's also like kind of tasty tastes like orange ish. It's like dessert is in a way, it comes with an orange. You can't really have more than a couple, right, but I had more than a couple. And then my uncle,

my one uncle, was like buying us tequila shots. And so let me tell you, and wheat beer doesn't it tastes good going down. It does not taste good going up. Couldn't smell it for like eight years. I mean when I was young, because we didn't have money, we would get the cheapest vodka you could ever poss I mean I think I think it was like label lists, Like it was like it was so cheap that it was just like a bottle and it was like you needed to like check with the cashier what it was like.

But I can't have any I can't have anybody can because it's like the easiest thing to get wrong if you buy it cheaply and if it's like an eight dollar handle of vodka and you're like, there's no way. Yeah, what's your um, Like Mike's hard, but that's everybody's right. Yeah. I vividly remember a night when all my all my drama cu plans forced me to stay at this person's house when my parents were freaking out, being like come home now, it's ten pm, come home on it's a Friday.

But then this was the Heroes had just come out a NBC. People were transport of people were freaking the funk out about this new show here, and so everyone's like, but when no, we're marathoning Heroes, were we have Mike's hard lemonade, you're staying, you're drinking at least three, and then you're gonna call it, and then and then John's going to give you a ride home. And then it was like the worst day of my entire the worst night of my whole life, being forced to watch Heroes

while drinking Mike's Hard. Did you get like black? I didn't get blacked. I just like I got like I got like Asian blush, like red, and I was just like, I don't know if this doesn't feel, but Mike's Hard doesn't have a ton of alcoholic in it, but it has so much sugargar that you're just like it's like a pounding like fruit punch. And then like, could you imagine drinking like a gallon of fruit punch? No? No, And then just like yeah, but it has that been

a little thimble of vodka or something. Honestly, like the when the boys would drink like beer and the girls would drink like these like synthetic drinks, like like a smear knoff ice, and like they would get they were drinking, they were getting more fucked up because like that's a drink and you get sucked up. Also, is like basically makes hard lemonade. It's like or the mixis like, you know, like because they were sweet, they were like for girls

anybody else uncomfortable with the color of smearnoff ice. Yeah, it doesn't look like come yes, it's it's like watery. It's like it looks like it's so fucking insane to be like chugging. It looks like it looks like if you you know, when people like dip, they like it's like if you were doing it with like gum, Like it's disgusting. Did people do like do people dip around you in high school? Like I knew some guy I stayed far away from those dippers. Dip is a big

baseball thing, and dip is well. The funny thing about dip is it's like it's something that you can get a buzz on even you know, like if I was sitting here, I could have dip in my mouth and you wouldn't know, or you would because my my lip would be bulgy. But it's not like it's like, um, it's like acceptable in an acceptable way of like even when you're working or just like in public of like getting a buzz, but it's so disgusting because it dies your drums and it's just like the most all be

is like don't so, yeah, it's never. And then people have Gatorade bottles and then just be just like spitting into the like mini Gatorad bottle. Brown jees, that's the than I've ever heard in my life that it's a Gatorade bottle. Now that I'm talking about this, I'm like, wait, would I feel like kind of a sexy thing for me to get into? Also started started dipping, dude, should I started getting Gatorad joke like I got I got my straight friend, um a gift and I got him

an empty Gatorade bottle. Um. Okay, wait, friend, let's talk about drinking. Reminds me of a time. I don't know if you remember this as d C. I'm like three or four years ago. I hope I was nice. No, you were so nice. It was the three of us in Tarvor and I think Brandon Scott Jones were standing outside. We were all wasted. Fast was there? You have Fast

is there? And we were all staying outside a corner and then we were talking about how pride was insane because pride always falls during dec about this year, but um, we were like someone was like everyone gets so naked on pride, it's like pull your pants up. And then you came darting out like like you heard us one of us say this, and then then and then the bit the entire night was like what are your fun stuff?

I do remember that the first time we are interacted, and I was like, I actually really am remembering that now, and I'm happy that that was the memory because speaking of like a storied UCB history or if you're just like around long enough, this will happen. Things are coming back to me to bite me in my ask now where people are like six years ago you said this to me and it was not nice. You know, it's just it's never not nice, but it's like okay. So

like someone puts on Instagram. And when I would go on tours to I toured so much for years. It was like my main way of making money. And whenever anybody would ask me, like for advice, like kids on these are not kids, but you know these these college

kids would be like what should I do? I would always say like don't go to grad school, don't move to the MILLI in the middle of nowhere, like Jas moved to New York l A. And I do stand by that, but like multiple times now I've been like tagged in Instagram posts and it's like a br and Gillespie told me when I was, you know, twenty, like why would I do anything except moved to New York arl A. And it's never negative. But I'm like, damn, why do people remember that? Don't play me because it's

hard to make it and it's not bad advice. But I'm like, but I mean it's not bad. That's the thing that keeps coming back to me because people are tagging me in a lot of posts like that. But I am haunted now by like, oh yeah, after a UCB show in two thousand five, you said to me,

and I'm like, oh god, brace yourself. Brace yourself. Because also it's like you look back on a younger version of yourself giving advice and you're like, we're gonna listen back to this and be like to our podcast like two years from now, even no, no, no, already, I'm like, I know that there's hundreds of hours of us talking and I'm like, well, something's coming back, yeah, something. And it's also just like it's dorky to like hear advice, you get like and who am I to be giving

any type of advice? But it's also just like, please don't quote me back to me because also like if it's yeah, you talk to me after a show, I was probably in a hurry to leave or get to McManus. So like right, exactly, like if you corner me after a show in two thousand six and I was like short with you, like I'm so sorry, but that's just me. Like then I see people who have so much patience are so kind of give like everybody the time today, and I'm like, I just think for me, it would

come off disingenuous. Sure, I mean there's there's a risk of that, Like I yeah, but you I will never forget the advice las, And that's good advice. Could let's say something about these selects on Pride. You don't look like a mess honey pants up? Um no, we love we love now when it's centered towards musslesis gendered white male body, some shame too. We went to we went

to the gay bar the other night. Well you didn't come income, but I went out and I couldn't believe, Like, I don't know if you're experience in this in l A. Will you now live live sometimes in l A, sometimes in that. But because that, I couldn't believe. Like everyone here is like so hot. Like I went to the gay bar and I was like, forget it. Like if I'm like in New York, whatever number like bump me down five. Everybody is so good looking in l A.

And and women too. It's like everybody is like thin, tan, blonde, and I mean truly, like everybody even just look, oh, this is mean. I was gonna say, this is so mean. I was gonna say, look at the performer page no no, no, no, no, you're right and everyone knows it. You're right there. It's like we got some TV faces in l A and writers. But but the thing is, and they are on TV. That's true that most of them. But for them, I

think it's like an active lifestyle. Well I am wait, I am a New York person through and fucking through. When people do a like nine thirty show or you know, like a UCB show ends at like nine thirty or whatever, and it's like what's everybody doing? And it's like going home. I actually need to wake up early and tomorrow morning it's like, okay. Meanwhile, it's like you do like a show on a Tuesday at UCB, We're going to the bar. Yeah, it doesn't matter what's happening. Right, we did a show.

But it ages you, It really ages you. I've really suity. But when to night are having what we called the summer of counts where okay, we're all going to get very attractive and snatched. Do you want to join? If you text and just tell each other like what we're doing. Like the other day, I almost had a size of pizza, but I texted them and I didn't. They're like, it's like a my sponsor. Oh my god, I eat lots of pizza while I was here. Well, the like main issue in l A for me is I'm a fourth

mealer before it was a thing. I got that midnight meal baby to sleep right, Yes, that's what of course. The amount of times up please, the amount of times I have woken up with remnants of sandwich on my naked chest. Truly turkey slices all day every day or just like salad baby, that's mine, my boy. I used I used to do tuna salad before I did tuna

salad because it was like two dollars a container. Um. But then a girlfriend of mine, Sugawa, was like, you're going to get mercury poison because I was eating like a container, like acually resting it on my chest, eating like with my bare hands until I would fall asleep. Yeah, like three or five days a week. Oh my god. Pretzels. I love pretzels, like for the bag of pretzels, like not even like what wait what kind like variant? Okay, do you know twist? Not even like the plastic bag

of pretzels. It's like a hard plastic little like tin that you get from like CVS. And the pretzel rings. Yeah, they're like hard pretzel. I don't know. I'll take a picture of it and send it. Okay, Well I'm all about the Rods. Yeah, I love the Rods. All about the Rods title of epp um let me tell you okay, and now and now look at the look at the beauty glow up that we're all experiencing. Fan you came in, yes, you you you kind of strike stand affected this it's

not exactly a stri stand effect, but you. But we wouldn't have noticed this if you didn't if you mentioned that you were at your baseball cap. You're like, here's here's where I'm at. She sits down and she goes, I said, oh, I have the same hat, but it says New York. Like I had a stupid over the line. And then she said, she goes, I have to tell you why I'm wearing the hat, and you had a terror in your eyes. And I literally was like, she's gonna take the hat off and she's going to be ball.

Would you be weirded out if I took the hat off and my hair here was connected to the hat? And you guys, so I take the hat off, but thing here was part of that, honestly, and you're just like what And I'm like, I have to complain. I've never had hair. It's always been attached to a hat. And you guys are like you're thinking back like full guys are so say like you've never seen friend without at my god, my hair is connected to the half.

I was like, the only explanation for what she ever she's going to say right now is that she's bald, like the terror in eyes. Then the explanation was micro blading. Yes, it's true. Hey, so basically in my lift over here, I was like, just don't bring it up. Nobody, just don't do it, just like who cares, Just like, don't bring it up. And then I come in here and I'm like, we've got a problem. I'm literally please sit down, Please sit down. I literally I'm not going to tell

you this, but I here it is. I don't want to tell you, but I'm please sit down. Micro blading what is it? Micro Blading is when you tattoo your eyebrows on. Okay, and so talk about why I got the procedure. I was gonna say thank you so much. Talk about this. We didn't talk about the rationale leading into the procedure, right, Okay, Well here, I don't put

thought into anything. I don't do research beforehand. I got an eye u D without doing any research when alone, and this is years ago, when alone, didn't know that it was like based sickly one fourth as painful as childbirth. Went alone because I hadn't done the resul Oh my god. I got an UD and they were like, um, you're probably gonna be like laid up for a few days. I was like, dope, I have a show to night that I would do. They gave me like vicating, and

I was like, okay, I'll trust you. But that just just like that's just to say I don't research anything, I don't put the time into it. I'm just like life would find a way, like it will all work out, just like go ahead and do it. What's the worst thing that, yeah, exactly. Well. Micro blading turns out was done by a doctor who had like microscope glasses on and I was like, sorry, what's happening here? And first of all, this please and I have been for years.

The rationale was I'm bored, and I was like, what can I do that will like distract me and cost money? Yeah, it was like I basically have no eyebrows. And all it took was two girlfriends being like, oh, you should get microblading, and I was like okay, And then I heard it like another time and I was like, yeah, that's happening, and truly two separate occasions in the last week. So I'm like, I'll just do microblading. Was like, and it's done. It came in. It was fate. So basically

they thread die into your eyebrows. And what I found out after the procedure, your eyebrows completely just like absolutely poor blood. Like I'm not able to look into your own eyes. I'm not able to see what's happening because there's no mirror, but I do see her gloves are getting covered in blood, and I'm like, uh huh, yes, sorry, what else happened? Also, also I had numb I didn't know my eyebrows, which is like what's happening? Like why

did I do this? But so your eyebrows like look super super dark and also scab and also you basically look bad for a week. But here's the thing, I think you look good good, you know. I I said this outside and it's the perfect analogy. It's like I'm wearing pajamas but also heels. It's like one thing. Like it's like one thing where I'm like trying, but then like if you're not trying, Like I remember one time, I like saw a picture of um, who's the person

in Elizabeth Banks? I saw a picture of Elizabeth Banks with like almost white blonde hair, and I said, a Suoni, should I do white blonde hair? And She's like, no, you'll have to wear makeup every day And I'm like, oh, you're right, I can't because because I'm not doing that I'm not wearing makeup every day. I won't do it, but now that I have, I mean truly too bloody had her pillars that are now living on my spot. I was blond, but not like but not like white blonde.

It was like, yeah, I had, I had. I was blonde because all of a sudden, when you said that, I pictured you with like white blond hair and I was like, no, I feel like I remember that. But then I was like no, because then you would have to put on so much makeup and I did. When I was like blond, I definitely had to wear more makeup. But then it was like I started us and out truly just the blonde all I think fell out in one day and because yeah, I have no hair now,

no hair, that's me. All my blond hair fell out. And it was just like, yeah, I'm not wearing makeup

and and you don't have blond hair anymore. But it is very funny because people will like not know my name who I've like spent thousands of hours with because my hair is a different color, like if I haven't seen because I lived in l A, I would say like under two years, like a year and a half maybe before moving back to New York, and people friends I made in that time will be like, hey, I'm like, it's fran it and you just it's like absolutely no ego when you're like, my name is fran We actually

do know each other very very well. It's just different hair color. It's just so funny when people are like, hey, yeah, just me Fran many hours, many hours together. But did you like having a having this? Did you like having a blonde? Yeah? It kind of made me feel like I died it right before I moved to l A. And it made me feel like, I would say, dumber, and also got um more attention. Yeah. Really it could have been completely psychosomatic, but I got way more attention.

I bet it's not psychostat really, I guarantee that guys are just that dumb. But you know what's so funny is at bars or like at a party, it would be like a different type of attention where a dude would be like, I grab you a drink instead of like I mean, when you're like a brunette. I mean, now nobody hits I mean, but like back then, when I was a brunette, it would be like you know what I mean, like, uh, you watch Killing Eve. But but then it was like when I was bun it

was just like no effort, absolutely like take a drink. Yeah, totally different attentions. Yes, oh oh eight to ten hours. You know I always look forward to getting my eight to ten hours of What do you think I'm talking about eight to ten hours? Uh? No, I wish, I wish I was a machine like that. No, I'm talking about sleep. Wait a minute, But the way you sleep is different from the way I sleep. Well, the good news is bowing we can both get what we need

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Are you ready for the call to action? Go to Helix sleep dot com slash Lost Culture restas right now and get up to one five dollars towards your mattress order, which is a chunka change coming to the stage. Chunka change, chunka change. That's Helix Sleep dot com slash Lost Culture restas for up to one twenty five dollars off your mattress order Helix, sleep dot com Forward slash Last Culture restas for your sleep do sleep. I very I felt different when I was When I was, Yeah, do you

felt like guys were approaching you? Not that guys are approaching me, but people would approach me in a more like they were more compelled to be speaking to speak to me, and they were like, Hi, um wow, I love your hand, and like, you know, it would just be like a confidence. The only king I ever dyed my hair was I dyed my hair jet black in college to do like a part. I don't think I honestly don't think it looked good on you. I thought it looked so good, but I looked in the mirror

and the shooty was like, it's bad. You look bad. And I sometimes mentioned wanting to do it again, and she's like, don't because I remember it was bad, so he will always give you the What was the It was called murat Sad. It was like a performance of the assassination of by by the market as Sad and it was like a punk rock musical version that Liz

Suados was doing at Nyuka. It was just like crazy and I was playing the market to saw because it and it was controversial because I was a dramatic writing student doing it as a drama mainstairs. Very controversial, and I got a lot of shade from the musical theater kids who wanted the role. Wow. I had a relationship with the director, Liz Suados, and so I got the part um thank you Rest in peace, Liz um. But I thought, I'm playing an evil character. We must dye

my hair black. Right of course that means mean. So I went and did my hair black. And I had just seen the movie Black Swan and I had a bad interaction with a voice teacher. I did this scene in Black Swan where she like menacingly marches to like like Lincoln Senator to go dance. I swear to god I had black hair. I became an evil person was storming in like and I walked in and like I told everyone, I just had a fight with my voice teacher, and my hair is black. The performance of my life.

And I went in to give like a fine performance because I didn't know how to sing or thing. But having black hair like changed me chemically, and so now whenever I'm like I kind of do want to like die my hair or something fun, but I can't do black hair because it really literally changes me inside, Like it makes me mean well, it's like I want to be blind because I want to be fun, but I already feel fun. Microplaning has changed me. Now I'm a shell of a person. I don't want to do anything.

Why don't you a party? Last? Nay, absolutely the entire time, which just like could only think about it, like I You're like, oh, what are you doing this sumhere? I'm like, well, eyebrows. Put one thing, eyebrows. I'm the same way, in the same way as you, like when you came in and

I couldn't help it. That's how I was. I was telling you guys, like a year and a half, two years ago, I had like a herpe scare where I really thought I had herpes, and I have since found out I do not, although it is fine if you do, I love you in support um, but everyone knows. Everyone knew that I thought I had herpes. Everyone like extended friends of mine. I was like, they're like, I was like, how are you, and like they're really good? How doing

things are going on? Good? How are you as probably have herpes? Yeah, it's just sometimes you gotta wear your heart on your sleeve. And also you want to get out in front of it. Yeah, I know. It's like the worst thing in the entire world is for me to find out that people are talking about my eyebrows behind my back. I'm like doing in front of my face. Yeah,

you want to be in on the joke. I think it's like it's like a thing of like never having feeling cool and like, you know, like that kind of deal where it's like you have to just get ahet of it. You gotta be on top of the right. And I also, like, you know, I was never cool, which is why I think I was a bully but I'm like, I also get bullied because I'm a bully and also had many siblings and like just was bullied and became a big, bad bully. And so I'm like, well,

you can't believe me. You tell me you're talking about as a bully. Now, yes, really, that's why you're ensuing it along you. Yeah, absolutely, Like sometimes truly I will just go in on someone only friends. Yeah, like it hurts to be close to me because only friends ripped them to shreds. And then truly, sometimes it will just be like, dude, you're like mean, no, I mean, look when you when you get especially when you get with someone else that's like that. It's like, but then you

have to be able to take it. You can probably take it. I mean I actually think I can't. I'm not one of those people where it's like then I get insulted and all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, no, you broke the rule. I'm getting insulted all the fucking time. And I'm like, yeah, duh, I put a target on my back because I'm throwing darts all the time. It

doesn't matter. And also, like, I truly think you can't say something about me that I haven't already thought about myself and if it's like anything you think about me, it's already already hurt it or like I've already thought it. I mean, I believe people, but it would never be

in a cruel way. Sometimes when I'm like dipping into that water with like I'm you know, I've gotten to a point with a friend where it's like and now I'm just ripping their ass to shreds and then I like see their face fall and I need to be like I'm only doing it because I love you. I wait, okay, okay, So just to go back to the thing of like you can take it, like you have to be able

to take it. Does that matter who it's coming from, Like let's say it was Sudi or like a friend, close, collaborator, whatever. If Sudi were to say something like got like a gut punch to you, like it wouldn't be it wouldn't be a good punch. She talked about this on her episode because we just had an episode with her and she said that now it's like at the point with you guys were like funny, you said something like you

can just be like no, it's not funny. It's like it's not she and I always were too when we ran had well, I gotta say, like, time is not on your side at SNL. Right, you don't really have time to be like maybe I could work, let's think about it, TikTok, bitch, Like we literally need to do things in a time frame where it's like I don't

have time to think about the humanity. No, And so now there's just a shorthand where it's like no. And there will be times where like we will not be have the same opinion, and sometimes it's like one person's

got to give. And I do think that there's like a fifty fifty there where it's like sometimes she gives, sometimes I get because it's like if we're absolutely not on the same page, and it's like dude, you can push it, and then you know it's like give it a minute, and then one person has to be like we have to move on, we have to move forward because we don't have time to be doing this. But like I mean, Sudio, whenever, oh one time, this does not mean because this, but this is a full example.

I came into work and Sudi was like, you need to get natural light in your bathroom where you do your makeup. Oh, that is but it was and it was true. She's one of the few people who will do that. Is it was true. I like, like went to the bathroom and it was like the bronze are looked crazy and it was like a Monday pitch day. We're like, you're going to be with every single one of your coworkers speaking in front of them. And I looked like and she was right. I didn't have natural

light in my bathroom. I mean she didn't even know, but she was like, you gotta get natural light where where you're doing your makeup. Was like, oh, yeah, it doesn't hurt my feelings, it doesn't. It's a good note. Like she told me one day, she looks at me and she goes, I have to tell you something. The difference when you don't have facial hair and when you do is crazy. You don't look good with facial hair

don't have it. And I was like, okay. Now I'm always shaved, and sometimes I'll go hang out with her and I'll be like, I have to shave because I'm scared of her. I'm scared of my wife. Here's the thing She's never like really like reading me for filth, like like hygiene appearance wise, and maybe that just means that that's not where our friendships that oh, I mean,

that is the thing. It's like, if I haven't bullied you, it probably means that I don't care, right, And also like I also have scary friends that I wouldn't bullieve because um, I think that when I would open that door, it would come back to me in a way where like oh no, no, no, no no. Maybe is there someone out there who like you could become close with, who's like better at that than you. It's like, if you want you want to cut people down, here we go.

But I believe people about like insane ship that I know just gets under their skin. Like I went to Disneyland a couple of days ago. Oh my god, we almost wanted It's incredible. I mean truly, You're never gonna have a bad time there. But at the end of the day we've been together like ten twelve hours. And at the end of the day, Um, I was with Kyle Mooney and he's like, all right, I gotta go grab my backpack from the lockers. And I was like, oh what, but what And He's like, my backpacks and

the lockers, and I never dropped it. I mean for two days, I've been like, and you're a guy who puts his backpack in the locker, like it's not an insult, but I know it's bothering renting a locker Disney because he was coming from San Diego and I and then coming straight to l A. So he had a backpack of like, you know, like four nights worth of clothes that he locked in a locker at Disneyland and but kept it a secret until last minute. And I was like,

that's psycho. A psycho. I don't know him, but I was on the same flight of him. I sat six rows behind him, and at the end of the fight, all he had checked in the above carriage was a skateboard. I thought it was so funny. I was like, he has no bags, he only has a skateboard. Bitch, I live see. I would definitely go it on that. But then last night I show up to the party and I was wearing this hat and he's like, looks like the sand lots here. I was like, oh man, I

love it. If only he knew that that was attached to there, that would be a whole other level. The thing about some well though, it is like sometimes I have a hard time like reading studio, especially now that the bitch has money and she buys like good clothes and like wears good shoes and like, um, you know look snatched. I'm always like, damn bitch, Like now you get the better job than me and more money and you look better you But you can't resent her for

that because now she's using her position. But I do feel I will get to a point, a point where I can be like i've and then like for maybe a six month, will be like you're also, I mean like you're you're presenting different genders like it doesn't you're not competing against each other. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just saying I would love to be able to be a bully again to her. Do you feel, oh you

can still believe me? People definitely still bullied. It's like I think more fun to be like, oh you think of somebody now, like more fun for people to like try, you know, be like snatched. Here's a question, do you feel like do you ever get comfortable working at SNL or is it always a panic? God? Um? Do I

get comfortable working in us. Do you feel like you walk in the because do you ever walk in the building and they're like, yeah, this is work or is it always just a little bit like okay, it's Saturday night Live. Well, I will say that the work schedule is on average, let's just say you work three weeks in a row and then get two weeks off, and then you work three weeks in a row, get two weeks off, you know, give or take. Sometimes you only get one week off, sometimes you only work two weeks

at a row. Whatever. Sometimes you work four weeks in a row. And so the work schedule is such that like by the end of a run, like in week three of three out of three, I'm so tired. But also just like I have spent now at the end of three weeks, let's say I spent a hundred twenty hours there a week. At the end of three weeks, I've been there more. It's the only thing I've been doing, thinking about whatever. So it's not like Okay, I'm comfortable now.

It's more just like this is what needs to be happening. Let's go. But then you at hiatus very regularly, that's like it's incredible. You get these like hiatus is where

you just like sleep and watch TV. But then day one when you go back, it's like a reset and it's I always feel like I always feel like sick to my stomach the day because you're resetting and it's like, yeah, i haven't been here for however many days, but now I'm starting over, like and really every week can like it doesn't matter what you did the week before because there's another week to do work, and so it's like

a reset every week. But if you've been on hiatus and then you come back, it's always just like okay, and now I'm in the mindset. And you know, there's twenty one episodes a year, and so you get like seven hiatuses, so that's like seven times or like I don't even know how many, but you're just like completely re adding every time you go back, and that is

the hardest day. And also the week begins with pitch, and pitches really nerve wracking because you get like a couple of seconds to be able to impress somebody and everybody, and like it is a very strange room where like sometimes things work where you're like I can't believe that worked, and sometimes things bomb. Dot com and it's like you can't figure out why. And I've worked there three years

and it's like there's not a perfect formula. I mean, and we're just talking about a Monday pitch, but like there's no perfect formula. And that's the way the week begins, where you like are with all your coworkers, the host is there, all the producers obviously Lauren, and it's like, okay, every week starts with like, I hope I say something that makes people laugh. That's the rest of the week. It's so that is never I'm never comfortable pitch. I mean,

the time you ever did that had to feel fucking insane. Well, actually, that is the craziest thing is when I and I think a lot of people feel his way. But when I started at sn L, I was my most confident because I had just gotten hired at SNL, right and like you know, it happened, and like you walk in and it's like, oh my god, I'm here. But you see that a lot when people are new, they're like the beginning of the year, everybody's the most confident because

they don't know. And then it was like the more I knew, the more like it just becomes more intimidating the more you now. Ye, so does the atmosphere like wildly changed based on the host or is that kind of like not really? I mean only if the host is a super extreme in bad and Good or this year there were some hosts that we're friends of mine, and so that was kind of a wild feeling. I mean that really changed. Yeah, like an old it was

really cool. But you know, he's someone I hung out with every day for years and then not at all, and you know, every time I see him, it's great, and you know, it's totally natural to be hanging out. But then it was like, Okay, he's coming to host. He is a legit superstar And that was such an insane week for him too, because that was when This is America was like exploding and now This is America

got released during the show. Yeah, yeah, I remember I went down and got to watch that performance on the floor and I was like, this feels different, you know what I mean, like there was something going on, and it's just so crazy to think about him and his trajectory because he was someone where when I was in dramatic writing and hammer cuts, he was like my sort of like an idol because it was like he was like ahead of me and did both of those things

like road on thirty Rock, And it's like so crazy to think about why you um sort of like looked up to him then and then why millions of people around the world look up to him now. But it is truly wild for me because, like I you just don't really have a sense of how famous somebody is, especially if it's just like, well, it's just Donald but then it's like not really, I mean it's right, it's but it was very fun having him host. That was

that was great. But like if a host is incredible or awful, those are but really that happens so infrequently. Like Will Ferrell was an incredible host, and I think everybody just felt like happy that week, that makes any sense. He was like so personal, feel he was so nice. But the cast has so much interaction with the host that I think that that affects their week more because you know, like um work with them in the scenes

there with them. Yeah yeah, but yeah, so an extreme host I think can change the temperature, but it doesn't really happen a lot. I mean, for the most part, like the host is a very, very famous person that you won't really talk to a lot, right, Yeah, So was it always like a thing for you, Like, was that like where you wanted to be SNL or were you like everyone where it's like, well, I guess that's what That's what it's a leading up to, is SNL.

I'm telling you, I have like no brain cells and don't really think about anything, and I'm just like everything will work out and it happened. Well, I think about it now, and I'm like I can't believe how lucky I am or how lucky I got, because like I didn't. I mean, obviously I was at UC before years. I saw everyone around me get hired and get work. It never really bothered me. It was I was never like dumb, like you know, I was never like drinking poison and

expecting it to kill my enemies. I was never like really because I think I'm like stupid. I'm like not thinking about that. I'm like, good she got the movie. Like I'm not like, I'm not like, how can I strategize to also get work? Never anyway, but yeah, yeah,

I relate to that. So yeah, sorry, it's just I'm never I really am just not strategizing because you don't expect, like it's like the thing of like, well, I don't expect it to happen for me, so I wouldn't dare be jealous or like covetous of a position someone else has, because it's like, I'll just keep doing my thing. I'm already surprised it's working. I truly think that. For me, it's like, you know, I don't have room in my brain to be like thinking beyond just like and tonight

I'll do show, and tomorrow I'll do podcast. I don't. I don't. But then, you know, I was working at Fun of Your die and I was like, it was the summer, and I was like, you know what, I think i'd like to submit to know and I had because I had been working at Fun of Your Diet. Yeah, So it just was like, here we go, there's a

packet already there. Yeah. I actually had applied a few years earlier and I didn't get hired, um, and then didn't apply for a few years, and then I was like, I already have the sketches and so I and then I applied and that was the year. And that was that.

Whenever that packet comes around every year, I'm always freaked out because I'm always like, I know I can write sketches, but it's like, because I'm supposed to do it for this show, and like there's a deadline on it, it's like all of a sudden, I'm like my brain breaks. I honestly think that it just helped so much that I was just like looking at a backlog of things already had. I think sitting down and being like, I have one day to think of commercial parody, like, which

is how the show actually. But I think when you're thinking about writing a packet, it's just like, I don't know, it's making a case for yourself to these people you don't know, you the like, just put your best stuff in there. Yeah, I think it's really submitting a writing packet.

I just it does not work in people's favors. That's why just having like a writing sample, like a pilot you're proud of, I think it's probably more helpful than like, okay, and we need one topical joke, one joke about Britt far Also, what I think happens is when you get the late night packets and maybe this is two inside yourself, but you look at the host and then you try to write in their voice and that sucks. It's hard.

It's so hard because it's like a lot of times you watch these shows and no shade, but like there aren't a lot of jokes in the monologue. It's just the host being there whatever version of their charge. But the packets are so hard. They're really hard. And also like, yeah, I mean, I don't know how to be good at it. Is it just like I don't know whether or not it's better to like write a seamless packet that's in the voice, regardless of whether or not you like it,

or to give them yourself, I think. And then it's funny to see who gets hired on these shows, and some of these people have such specific voices, like for example, I'll mention Julio Torres, like he has such a specific voice and you would never think like that he would ever compromise that, And on the show he has not compromised that. And you think, so his packet couldn't have been like a Saturday Night Live packet. It had to be a Julio packet because that's what makes him so

iconically special. Well, I don't want to I don't have facts, but Um, I think Julio didn't submit a packet because he was hired at the end of he was hired writers first season. I think based off an audition. And so I mean, this is like talking about a very specific person who has like such an incredible and unique and hysterical voice. But yeah, I don't think that's the thing.

Is also, I shouldn't even think too hard about like what works for everyone, because literally something different is going to work for everybody, right, Yeah, and that's the biz fran. We're going to ask Peo. We ask all of our guests, which is what is the culture that made you? Say? For me, it was the pop culture where something in your life that was like this happened and you experienced this like a movie or a television show or like a musical artist or something where you were like, oh,

I'm defined now I know who I am. Oh, I guess I have an answer, but it's lame. I love it. Titanic, Oh my god, Titanic was huge for me. Titanic was was the thing that made me like the open the door to all of show business. Ye Titanic, Okay, So I wasn't really allowed to watch TV growing up. I could watch one show a week and it was The Simpsons. And but I did go to movies, like would go to movies a lot. But um. I also wasn't allowed to have magazines that had the word sex on the

cover or sexy. Like I wasn't allowed to have like a like you know why am or seventeen. The covers would be like ten ways to blow him to Smith rains or you know what I mean, like like the tomato red nipples, and it's just like this is a routing. It's truly like they were out of control. And people had Sean Williams Scott like fully fucking naked icon. Yeah. But the thing was, it was like it made sense.

I wasn't allowed to get those magazines, but I was like nine, you know, or like eight or nine or whatever, and I wanted these magazines because I became so obsessed with Leonardo di Caprio that I just wanted every single magazine that even there would be like an insert yeah. Um. And so I became really really obsessed with those like teen magazines, and I would babysit it. Of course. I was like could be in charge of an infant, but

like couldn't look at the word sex. But I was like babysitting all the time, and I would use my babysitting money to go to the corner store and buy all these magazines and just hide them under my bed and I would read. I would every single one, and they came out. Well, team people came out every week. Oh no, A lot of them were monthly. Yeah. I would get like ten a month and then cut off the photos and make photo albums. Put in like a nice photo album. He was so iconically. Oh, I had

a Titanic. I had two Titanic posters that I absolutely would kiss. And I was so obsessed with him. I bought the VHS. It was a double double double because you know what I did? Wait, did it end? Did the first Did the first tape end after the car fucking scene? It was like right after I think it was, no, no, no, I remember because they do that late in the first tape ends. No. I think the the fucking is in the first tape because the fuck and then the first tape.

I believe in Culturist his listeners. If you can contest this, let me know. I believe it's after like the glass with the water starts shaking like that's the moment that it cuts out. After the fucking after the iceberg Heads. Their sound of music was a double VHS, and I would stop after the first one because the second one was all about Nazis. So I was just always stop after. And I was like the movies over. I was like

the movie ended good experiencing did experiencing Titanic. The movie also caused you to want to know everything about the actual ship itself, because well, the oscars, yeah, but not the ship itself. I was everything. I bought books about Leonardo Caaprio, like books that were clearly made in like three or four hours, where it's like, and he's popular now, and then it was just like and then, oh my god.

But then I would watch like Basketball Diaries, which I was like, didn't like as a movie, but I was like, and he's here, good, Like I was so obsessed with Leonardo, and then it just that was probably God. I would have been like sixth grade, maybe fifth grade, uh, maybe fifth grade, and that just launched me and I was completely fucking boy crazy, crazy, no celeb in sync. It was like ninety degrees Backstreet Boys. I truly became the most extra person. It was like constantly. I just found

this locket that I had. I was like a year ago, Um, but I have found this locket. I was like, Oh, I wonder whose pictures I put inside? Oh? Pop, it is Leonardo Capri and Usher, so we've got like but so I like cut their little faces out put them in this locket. And I was like wearing Usher and Leo every day, just like your heart. It was like a lock I got for like my first communion or whatever, and I I couldn't. I was so fucking boy crazy and celebrity culture crazy. But what's insane is I didn't

even watch TV. I wasn't allowed to. So I'm like worshiping Matthew Fox from Party of Five. Clue what the show is about for him? Yeah. I remember the first time I saw the tarring on My Heart music video with Justin Timberlake on that bed and the white wife the white like, oh my god, I almost called it a wife beater. That's where like my long Island this comes out. What would you call that? Tank? Um like? And he just like was like so sexualized and he

was had to be what sixteen seventeen years old? That changed like something Roman noodle hair. Yeah, but it didn't matter. He was the hottest person I've ever seen in my life. And like then coming into school and all the girls were talking about him, and I had to be like, I hate Justin Timberlake. I hate him because my body was just fighting with itself. It's like, no, you, you have to kill this. It was just so oh my god.

But I was if I was, if I had been allowed to be, I would have been quite crazy too. I mean I was just I was just pouring over these like pop culture magazines and like even like Z pop, Like I'm just going so crazy, and I think that that is when And now I'm like so obsessed with like reading US Weekly, just cover to cover, and I don't know why. I don't care because now it's just

like so stupid. I think it's so funny, like what they think are jokes and fashion police like you like growing up, like I thought it was so funny, and as this fucking nine year old, they'd be like, I have the first thing I returned to his fashion Police? Yeah, absolutely, Like what what did they say this? Because it was comedy, remember but it wasn't. But it wasn't, but there was I literally I could it's just kind of like and this coat yellow. It's it's just like I don't like this,

and here's a pithy take on it. But I remember one time, like Carol Rude. It was probably like some insane celebrity like Maria couldn't set Alonzo like was in like a fucking fluffy thing. And I'll never forget how hard I left. I couldn't get over it for two days. I was telling my mom about it until she had to tell me to shut the funk up. The caption was how many muppets do you think died to make this outfit? And I thought that was the funniest thing

in the well. Remember it's the word muppets and much of them dying dark. You know. I was obsessed with trauma rama. That was something in seventeen where it was like I'm my period all over my mouth, and then it was like, I mean it was like that's like very dress and that's a dressing joke, that's an Anna

dress and tweets over my mouth. The trauma truly was just like on my second date with my uncle, all of a sudden, my he wait, where was this from Trauma ro The title of this episode is going to be trauma, but they were all bad, and like every third one was just like period. Shame. It was like period a little bit. It's true stupid, but I like, I ate it the funk up, and I still like, I just can't. Every time I'm in an airport, I'm

getting like US Weekly. You know, I had a subscription US Weekly and then I was like this cannot go on? How long? Ago? For years? I mean I think I cut it off, maybe like when I was like going back and forth between l A and New York to which and was like missing too many No, I think I've probably cut it off like a year ago. But here's the thing. A year subscription is like they pay you like it's nothing, it's no money, But then I will shlve Like an eight dollar US Weekly, I'm like,

can I get to just want to sit on? But then if you would like have a subscription to a magazine, it's truly like a dollar year, and I'm like, yeah, I can't have a subscription because I know, like I haven't read a book in like six or seven years. But I could like tell you that like Lincoln from this season of the Bachelorette has a history of assault on the page. Read it on the like US Weekly actually used to be like a people level, like you could go to it for real news, and now it's

fully a tabloid. Well people, it's fully tabloid. People, People is a full tabloid, except you're going to get a serial killer like every other It's like she didn't know her daughter was a dog. People has like a human hinterest story. But that's and that makes it like journalism. This week they released like a hate Spain Anthon Anthony Burgin thing and it's like it looked but it's sad, but it looks like fucking they got engaged, you know

what I'm saying. Like that is like the editorial treatment. It's like, oh, like all about the wedding the cover of USK. We were in the supermarket, like Dave and I were getting groceries at the other AMBRYMB and we were like paying for it, and I look over at the rack of magazines and it's like US Weekly was saying like gen and Brad texting and it's like what how would you know? And also like this is like not what I remember, you know what, It's just the

worst one is in touch. But it's the cheapest. How do you feel as as a reader about In Touch? In Touch has is absolutely like the most rumors. No, it's like is Chloe Kardashian dead like it has and it has evil stuff too, like it's like not scared to speculate and has been sued so many times because it's just like and truly it's really nasty ship. It's like Sharon Stone on Heroin and you're like, just I like get it because sometimes I've all the other ones.

And it's also three dollars, like US Weekly will push like six dollars, but in touches, Oh my god, I'm sorry. I just I haven't had for Insana Jones insane around town, Like yeah, it's in Touch is and not the cover they'll have mean photos. They will never do that. In Touch will put like like a terror read on the beach, and it's like leave alone, like in Touch will do read on the beach. I have. I haven't had like the giggles like this and so long. Friend just has

a knack for pulling out these random specifics. Which one is getting you the most right now? She didn't know her daughter was a dog. It's good for me. The trauma ramas and this is not this is like trauma rama is just like a new warm of joke and this is a new form of comedy, like like that could be an improv game or just like making up

cover stories for these rags. It's but even though, like truly every section is like its own beat, you know what I mean, Like they have well, US Weekly has that page where it's like quote unquotable, but it's just like, can you believe Ryan Secrets said this? And it's like a picture of Ryan's secrets and then it's like two days a week only Goldfish and you're like, okay, it's just like the wildest I can't believe you said that. Fuck where did you get it from? When did you

say this? Who else is reported that he said the poor goldfish? It's and it's just like pictures of people with the quotes. But I mean, yeah, I now it's in your in your thousands and thousands of it all loving you know that much inform your opinion of Kate Winslet oh, you know, respect, I never was jealous and I'm glad they're still friends, but I gotta say, what

you're doing in the Wonder Wheel movie. What you're doing in the wonder movie, what you're doing like not kind of like on Carnage, that's too I that Wonder Wheel movie. You gotta look at that cast and be like, you know, you know, honestly, come on adding on you fans of the fire there. But for him it's like okay, he doesn't do a ton of movies. For her, it's like you have options. Also, she has such an incredible resume, and it's like, yeah, exactly, you have options, Like you

can't think this is a good idea. And then there was like an actress roundtable or whatever where um, she was like talking about Wonder Wheel and she like brought up Woody Allen or whatever, and it like pans the room and to just like you know, like a Marian coat are just like face dropped, just like dude, and you're still going on about it. Also, I will say this, if you aren't an actor that has worked with one

of those directors, here's what you don't say. But I had a great experience, right, That is not it doesn't matter. It's not the point, right, Like we don't want to hear about how great your experience was because your individual experience unfortunately doesn't literally matter, and like, I don't know, it's just crazy, I do think, but her as an actress, I love you ever seen Little Children? Yeah, I mean she's one of the one of the best. And I do like that her and Leo are friends. I mean,

now I don't have a Leonardocaprio thing. Also, like you know, that was for that time, and it was the gate opener to like me being absolutely just obsessed with celebrity culture. But I don't, like I will read those magazines. But now the person I would be most excited to meet would be like jy wow. Maybe, I mean, like I also think just as part of my job, like I can't feel like or you can't be like wow, We're totally different levels of humans, Like you have to be

able to talk to them. And I don't really care, like I do like reading all the gossipy stuff, But like, I think the person that would get me the most excited would be like maybe Rachel Lindsay, like, honestly, are you a big Bachelor fan? And huge? Yeah? Were you with Rachel the whole time? Are you disappointed at the end? Disappointed at the end? Well, now, Peter Krause Peter him. Why wasn't he the Bachelor? Because he because I actually

know Do you think he has a story? No? I think he was actually supposed to be the best and they were going to announce it. And the thing that I heard is he got so upset and nervous that he had to go through row up and like it was like a thing of like the next day he was going to be on Good Morning America and that he like literally panicked because he was like, no, this

doesn't work for me. I understand that it would be good for the show and the fans want it, and I feel a lot of pressure, and he gets so upset because he's a sensitive guy. And I mean, I think that's why everyone loved him. And wait, we thought it made the most sense because they had such chemistry because he's just someone he's great. Remember her eye was still on the floor. Oh that was but that scene was so hard to watch. That's a better Peter Cross rumor than the one I made up, which is that

maybe has a criminal history. I don't. I don't think it's something like that. I think it's just legit. He

why wouldn't you want him to be the Bachelor? And then like the showrunner, like Mike Flice was like tweeting out like, uh, why would you want to have Peter as the Bachelor when he doesn't want He's like messy on Twitter, the like showrunner of the Bachelorette and Bachelor is like he's a lot and he'll tweet like out some ship like he take it like gossipy on Twitter, and sometimes he blows his load and his like tomorrow, guys,

it's coming. And then ship goes wrong and it feels like every season of the Bachelor or Bachelor in Paradise or whatever, there's this this insane controversies Like now like apparently like one of the guys who does really well is like liking all that transphobic ship on Instagram, Like this is what I heard. This guy Garrett who got the first impression, who allegedly does well on the show. Um, he is literally like one of one of those like an al right person, you know. I gotta say, I'm

not feeling good about Becca's options. They're like weird, it's not it's not a good year. They all also look the same. Do you like her? I am happy she's the Bachelorette, but I also think that like it's going to be a boring season. All the dudes look the same and they're like, something weird is going. Although I do love that the guy rolled off the bed. Oh that's just class face. Rolling off the bed had to go beautiful. Yeah, well he's gonna come back. He's gonna

come back. But the thing is like, after Rachel, who I think was the best Bachelor, she's until the last episode, I don't know she Becka doesn't have that star quality she was. Rachel was the only one that like drew me, and I was like, I started watching the whole friend,

I'll be I'll watch this season. Yeah, she was so great. God, I'm just remembering now that one time I was walking down the street and I thought I saw Rachel Lindsay and it wasn't her, and wow, but I was walking behind her and then and then that ask, and then I passed her, stopped, turned around and said, excuse me, are you never no on my street? I get it.

I've had this happen with with every person, like like with like I've I've seen people like Matt walked down the street and I'm just like, is that Matt And it's not. It's like I understand just being so excited to see someone. Yeah, it's like manifested. I do kind of want to be the gay badge. You would be good, Well, that would be great. I really want to I don't know if I want to be the gay badge or I want to be like in a promo with a

white background and like holding a rose. I don't know, not that this would be bad, but if when not if, when there's a gay bachelor, do you think that contestants will end up hooking up? So they did this with Finding Prince Charming on logo Okay, but the rule, the

unspoken rule was that the contestants could not. Of course that's an unspoken rule, but like, I mean, I think it makes it more interesting that people hook up in the house, But then the whole show is just going to be I wanted to come and pull you aside and tell you that you know, these people like each other. Well what they did on what they did on Finding Prince John March, I think it is a little problematic.

Is they cast like a fucking model as the bachelor, and the rest of them were kind of like a little bit more like they I don't know, it was weird. It was by design that like the contestants like we're not in the same league unquote as the bachelor himself as like the guys. Oh that's strange. So it was weird. It was like it's like everyone's aspiring to this one person because of it just didn't it didn't feel good.

You know. There's a lot of like design flaws in just saying gay Bachelor, But like, I don't know, I think there is a way to hack it where it's like the contestants are allowed to look up with each other and that as an element. Here's what I want to happen with my narrative on the Gay Bachelor. I want to be a contestant and just people love it. I want to be Rachel Lindsay and then they'll bring me back and everyone's like, yes, it's his time, he

needs this. I want to be on the Bachelorette because I want to go on the dates. Yeah, they're fun. I mean nobody would want to Like if I was the Bachelorette, I don't really think people would be fighting to be with me, but they would be like, and we want to make it to Italy. I want to go to Stockholm. But wait, there's one thing I want to say before we do, which is, so, when Rachel Lindsay was filming her season of The Bad, how do you say it vile or viall? Nick Vile? Who I

think is hot? I'm sorry, Um, I like I like all his instagrams and I'm like, you like a stupid bit like I was, like, I mean, I really I fall for it all. He's not funny. Though he thinks he's funny, he's not. It's important to say that. Um, he does like comedy and wigs anyway, Um, because wigs are comedy. A wig got me to jfl um. That's true.

But anyway, this with hair, that's different. Um. Rachel Lindsay shot her fantasy sweet date the day after the election, and it had been like three months since they were allowed to use their phones or whatever. But like and so she was very tuned out of the election. But obviously she's like, I got posted up in a bar like in like Sweden or something, and like was he was like watching and drinking at the election was happen. Hillary is gonna win. It's gonna be amazing, Like we're

gonna bring this home then Donald Trump? Want so she proceeded to get fucking drunk. She said this on an interview, and she walked up the next day and was like really truly hungover and had to film like her fantasy sweet date. And remember when she did that with Nick and everyone was like, oh my god, she's so comfortable and dropped in and like they're so natural and comfortable with each other. She was so hungover that she says that when they got in the fantasy suite, she fell

asleep immediately. They didn't talk and that's that's why he eliminated her the next day, and her energy was very like I kind of understand because she knew that literally they spoke not at all. They did not have sex in the fantasy suite. He sent her home because he's like, well, I did speak to the other two in the suite, and we didn't get a chance to talk because you

passed out. That's so funny, which it worked out for her because then she got to be the bachelor rete But everyone was like, that's crazy that she didn't win. They had the best chemistry, etcetera. It's like, no, she just like got tanked from being so depressed about the election. That's so funny. And they didn't allow them to talk about and I remember the fantasy I think her date that day was like them going and like drinking during the day. Yeah, so she had like hair of the

dog baby. Yeah, but she said that energy and I thought that was so classic. Here you account, I need to know what happens in the suits. I mean, I think they asked the hard questions because this is another thing. It's like like Becca, who like, if you look at her Instagram, she's like a Hillary supporter, but if she ends up choosing someone who's like an all right person, she won't. She can't. She's smart, she may have. That's the thing. They're not allowed to talk about it on

the air. So you have to ask that question in the fantasy suite, and it might not be top of for me. If I'm for me, I would never go on a date, probably with a Republican. And also, like you would assume that you were attracted to this person and like they share your more. I would ask that question.

And if you're in a situation where you're not allowed to look at any Instagram, you're not allowed to do anything, and you are not allowed to ask that question because it's not like cool for air, what the fuck you can end up getting on one knee or like saying you asked to someone who like has a crazy thing about that, Like don't you think you would know? Like there would be other red flags when you were hanging out with someone like I think this guy like might

be like trouble. You would think, I mean, if there's like an egg row anything like you know what I mean, you would think you would think. But but also like, um, probably top of mine when you get in the fantasy sweet is like you've been hanging out with this person for months, like you want to know, and then maybe like the pillow talk afterwards, it's like, so, um, are

you religious? And then you're just like that for all three of them say hal Satan when they come that would be okay historic to I don't think so, honey. This is our segment in the show where we take one minute to rant on something that's just getting our goat and culture and culture in life. What Frianda was on, are I don't think so honey? Live through Hilary Duff, Yes, thank you for coming out everyone, And um, I have one. I have I have a because I was jarred by

something recently. Yes, yes, yes, I know what. I'm ready. This is Matt Rodgers is I don't think so many time starts now, I don't think so, honey. The name egg slut, I literally was hungry and then I saw eggs slut and I was like, I can't eat now because it's not I love eggs. I love sluts, but eggs, like the idea of being a slut for an egg I don't think so, like I don't know, like for me, eggs very specifically, I need them scrambled, I need them like in the specific way I don't need them, like

in a sexual sense. And also when eggs like a little bit cold, like I get very weirded out by them, also like they have to I don't. I'm very specific about my eggs and so like you know, being a I don't know eggs slut, but those are two words that can't go together. And already I have a complicated

relationship with eggs. So when you put them in a sexual thing and you want to be a slut for eggs, like I guess I would be a slut for eggs, like if I do that, I was going to enjoy them, but unfortunately I don't always have like a consistent relationship with eggs, and so you know, I consider myself like a little bit more on the slat side, and I'm proud of that. But the thing is, like I don't know about egg slut. It made me not hungry and I know I needed to eat, so I don't think

so honey, and that's it turns me off. Eggs. The egg part that gets me. And also like who named it? You know what I mean? Like could they be? There are a lot of things in l a that have names that they want to be the draw, and most of them are like a run on sentence, you know what I mean. Like there was like a popular bar called like don't come Knocking on Mama's door, Right, I love that though, you know what I mean, Like there's so many Like it's like a Michelin star restaurant called

like pigs or Home. I mean, I appreciate a stupid name. Our podcast is called, but I literally said it. I said it. I pulled it out of my asshole and Boone laughed because it was so dumb, and then we were like, Okay, yeah, this will be the name of our dumb podcast. That is the main thing we do so funny. It's I mean, ye can take you anywhere, can essentially success. Okay, let's do Boon yangs. I don't think so, honey, and Boon yangs. Time will start now.

I don't think so many styrofoam cups and bitch here and forever, l A, what do I see a stack of styrofoam cups? Brett bo m hot producer. Brett thinks it's fine to have unsustainable stupid bit forever do l A. I don't think so, honey. There's no ventilation in this room. There's some there's there's there's some vent in the ceiling. It's doing nothing. I cannot be in this room with

where the curtains are drawn. The cups are styrofoam and will never just appear off the face of this earth, will never bio degrade and a landfill and we'll just outlive all of us. I don't think so, honey. Styrofoam cops and this brittle filter in the fridge that does not have a good pouring exits. It's not excutive, Brett. I demand better cups, better ventilation, better BARRETTA is honey. And if you cannot accommodate this, then I will be the Queen Dieva best believe of. I cannot have the

styrofoam nonsense in this place. And that's when minute I have something to say about this. Two things. One Also, if you eat styrofoam, your risk of cancer goes up. Also, I don't know kids, dogs, dogs at cancer goes up. Eating cancer is Also when I was young, I did a science project which was which kind of cup will keep uh soda the coldest? And styrofoam? One? Yes, it is an insulator. Hold on, HPP, what do you have

to say? Yes, robot, robot, robot? Okay, please hot producer, Bread's gonna come over and and and tell us what's what's up? I can't believe. I'm ashamed this is this is gonna be a whole fucking production. Hold on, fucking headphones and everything here? What's going on? Why? Good? Usually do not have I usually get agreeable cups from the target. That is, I'm not seeing them. Where are they? Well? She wasn't beautiful tonight? The fine? Fine, fine? What were

we supposed to do? Not eat? Brett? Thank you for the pastries. They were good. I had when it was definitely friends, than thank you than fine? Well then then then fine, then shame on the bodega. There's no ethical consumption in capitalism. But don't chop there, and thank you for the for the donuts, they were delicious. Um, we love you, brat. That was not that was all a bit. We love forever dock Ally. They did roll out the red carpet for us, honey, and we love it. Okay,

so now it's time for Frank. I don't think, oh god, I forgot that this is going to happen. Okay, I have one Okay, this is friend. I don't think so honey. Other time starts now. I don't think so honey. Movies that say based on a true story, I don't give a fuck. I don't care. It doesn't make it more interesting that you and your buddies had a little rundis buzz like. I don't care at all. If you're like, but can you believe it was true? It's like, okay,

why not just like do something interesting? You know what I mean? Like, I'll the only thing I care if it's based on a true story is the jinks and it's a documentary, so cool, or like the Staircase, like it's not a documentary. And then you're just like, oh, can you believe that this is based on a true story. We're not kidding. It's like, yeah, you're not kidding. It's boring, like based on a true story, like me and my friends hung out and that's not a lie. It's like today,

I really truly don't give a ship. I will still see it, but I can't be like compelled to be like, and it was bad, but it was kind of truck and that's good anyway. I don't think so, honey, based under true story, and that's you know what's worse on that based on real events? But then does that's the new based on a true story based on real events? Like The blind Side? Based on real events? What does

that mean? You took these people and like kind of sucked up their life a little bit, and now there's a film, Oh, you spend an extra fifty dollars buying people's life rights. Congrats, that's not even yeah, you're you're oh my god, that's so that's so funny. You hate it. And it's also like it's one of those things where it's like this isn't good. So what if we say, like, but it's true, it's almost true. That doesn't make it good. And it's like that the worst seasoning you could put

on any bad thing. Yeah, based on a true story. Guess what. True stories are often born. That's why they're not movies. Fiction is queen. I don't want to see my own life because it's not interesting enough to be a movie. You have a film, and you have the opportunity to get together, and you're blessed and privilege enough to get people that are actors and talented, get them together, and guess what. I don't want to watch them act out a real story. I want to see spectacle, honey.

I want to see Hollywood glamor. I want to see everyone wearing a dress. Here you go, amen, Amen, Amen, Oh my god, this is This is one of the first times I fully cried from laughing. I thank you Fran for giving me the guest. Well, thank you guys for having me. Well listen, well we do close every episode with a song. Here we go. You want to lead us, Matt, Yes, godless Mary, let sand beside God with it to the night with a light somebody for from the mountains. If you want to hear the rest

of that. Uh, go to a football game. Thank you, bye, Forever. This has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Brett Ballhum, Joe Silio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Forever Dog Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.