Motherhood, Psychedelics, and the Importance of Diversity

Where did you grow up ? What did that look like ?

My parents worked really hard for us to go to a private school and just have a good education and that was kind of their main goal for all of us to go to good schools and just get opportunities that they didn't have when they were growing up .

So that was their main focus and I remember just both of my parents worked and then we just did a bunch of things . We drove a lot of places . We had a really busy life , I would say a little chaotic , so there wasn't a lot of like stillness and moments of contemplation or just moments of silence . It was constantly we're going , going .

We were constantly told you got to keep going , you got to keep working , just don't stop . It was more a lot of that mentality and I think that since I was very young I just felt very opposed to that . I just kind of not wanted to be that way . I was like no , I kind of want to take a nap , I want to rest , I want to kind of have fun .

So I feel like that's been a major part of my journey , like trying to come to this place where , off , stillness of just contemplation and silence and kind of reconnect to myself . So yeah , if I could just say it in a few words , it was like a busy , chaotic life , but it was fun for sure .

She's very driven , she's very focused on what she wants to do , but she's also chosen a different life . She wants to be closer to nature , she wants to be doing things that she enjoys , being surrounded by people that she likes , and I'm kind of the same way . We just have different personalities and we just pursue it in different ways .

I feel like we've kind of changed and questioned a lot of the ways that we were taught and I think that's been really good for all of us as adults now .

You should do it , you should be exposed to other cultures , you should learn that foreign language , and I feel like that's one of the biggest gifts that my parents gave us , aside from the education part . Both of them my mom and my dad were always pushing us to just be out there , get out there , meet other people .

And I remember as a child my dad he loved eating and going out to restaurants , to different restaurants . So since we were young he would take us to go to try Indian food and Cuban food and Brazilian food and Lebanese food . So very little I learned to appreciate other types of food and kind of want to keep trying more , more of those .

So that was part of what I remember as a child . And then eventually I just grew up wanting to travel and be in other places and live with other people just to see what was out there , just to kind of feel the difference between what was happening at my house and how other people lived .

And I think that eventually I started realizing oh okay , I don't have to live my life like as I was taught . I can just create my own reality and my own way of living .

In Mexico back then in the 80s , there was a lot of this patriarchal like women have these specific roles , and my mom was working back then and that was kind of like not the norm , so I think they were already breaking some of the rules and my mom was one of the first one of her siblings to actually go to college and have a career and so that was very

different and that was the same case . None of his finished college and they dropped out and he finished medical school . So they were both really focused on we have an education and we are able to give you guys good education . So that's going to be our investment .

But I think , focusing too much on that , they kind of missed other parts , like being present or giving themselves permission to rest and enjoy and do things for fun . Like we did things for fun , but it just didn't feel like intentionally . It was more like you know what's the weekend , let's go do something .

And yeah , I think both of them really were so focused on making money and having enough money to support the three of us that they kind of forgot about everything else . And I remember feeling like , oh , I think I want to go the other way .

I think I want to be able to rest and enjoy , and when I was 20 , I lived with this family here in the US , in Rhode Island , and I remember they had a different life than I had .

They were both vegetarian , they did yoga and I was exposed to this quietness and stillness in a home that I was not used to , and I remember that that shifted something inside of me and I thought I like this feeling , I want to create this feeling for myself and I want to have this life , like I want to have a garden and I want to have a good partnership

. Yeah , just , I think a lot of things shifted when I was at age .

from school . So I kind of wanted to practice that and just have the opportunity to just go out there , not too far away from my house , not somewhere where I , like didn't know anything . So it was a little bit out there , but not too much , and I really connected with them .

I think that they became a real big influence in my life at that point , because when you're 20 , there's lots of things that happen and you're like , oh , questioning things . So that was a big thing for me . Like the experience of living with them gave me that opportunity to see , oh , there's another way of living , oh , there's these other options

. And I remember coming back to Mexico and going to college , just like with this feeling of yes , I want to create this in my life and actively rejecting this lifestyle of just business and doing things and just pursuing a career . I kind of started my journey with health and wellness and starting to pay more attention to that part of me .

College that I remember helped me to kind of see that there were people from all over the place with different beliefs , with different backgrounds , with different ways of living , and that also opened up my eyes to like , oh okay , questioning .

I started questioning a lot of things that were taught that I believed I made new friends and I loved my college experience Like it was just really helped me to raise more of the diversity in the world and I made really good friends that I have until this day and that's been awesome . I made really good connections .

I feel like college is really good for networking because you never know where life is going to take you . Who are you going to connect with , and I feel like I did a lot of that .

So , yeah , like my journey continued into that questioning of like , oh okay , I think there's other ways to do this or I felt independent , but you know you're in this place where you are kind of an adult , but not really , because your parents are still paying for everything else . But yeah , that was a really good experience .

I love going to college and then getting a job and having my own apartment and my own place . That also felt good , like , oh , I'm building up for this , like I just want to do it , just want to keep going in this corporate career . Like I started going that way , kind of forgetting about the Rhode .

So I literally quit my job and bought a ticket to go to Europe and beat . I was there for like two months and I traveled alone . That was another goal of mine .

I just wanted to travel by myself and so I booked all my trains and everything Like just I love planning trips and planning things in general , so I just loved planning all the cities where I was going to go and I visited a few countries and that was awesome too .

I also made friends with people quote , unquote friends with people who were traveling at that time . I also had great experiences then and that's another thing . Like my parents were very supportive of that . They were just like yeah , be safe . Like we taught you , you know what you're doing , go , have fun .

I think that my mom maybe went to a cute place she did about one time and then my dad traveled for work , some like he had the chance to go to Brazil and like other places around Mexico and Central America , but not as much , not sure mainly for work , but they did want to give us that opportunity .

So , yeah , I was really exposed to so many different minds and friendships and I did end up , you know , having closer friends from different states .

But with that it's like some friend from like the South East of Mexico , somewhere from like the coast , which is a different life and a different upbringing , and like she would tell me that her high school would be next to the ocean and I was like , wow , what was that like ?

So I grew up in a in a religious I want to say like somehow religious household .

My mom was sort of committed to the church , my dad was always agnostic , very respectful , but that thing I think that I didn't like I had the opportunity to kind of burst that bubble as opposed to having like like this shield of like okay , we're just a Christian home and we're just going to be around Christian , like religious people .

I had , like the two sides , like one parent that was not involved at all and one mom that dove . So I think that when I got to college and I met all these new people , I was like able to question things more easily and kind of burst that bubble a little easier . I don't know if that makes sense .

So , yeah , I questioned a lot of those beliefs that I had about different things like gender identity and ways of living or choices , or even alcohol and recreational drugs and things like that . That I thought was like no , I can't ever do that .

I was more like , oh okay , so people do it , and that doesn't mean they're bad people , like I could be friends with them and , yeah , I had a lot of those moments .

And then I had so from this experience in Rhode Island I had a couple of friends who were from Germany , both from Germany . One lived in Austria at that time and the other one lived in Germany , so I was able to see them . I just made friends along the way .

But I think it was really empowering to be able to do it on my own , because I was I feel like I was pretty young , like 20 something , like 26 or something , and I never felt like oh , like I don't know if I can do this or what have I done . I felt very excited . I've always been very excited about going to new places and trying new things .

It's always been like my main motivation . I don't care if I don't know anyone , I just show up , I just get there . And that's how I have made all these friendships at this point and like have connected with all these people , I just show up .

So I think that's like a mix of my introverted , extroverted personality where I'm like fine with meeting all these new people , but then I'm like okay , so yeah , it was a really a really fun experience .

Because historically we are a conquered country , right Like Spain came to invade us and then they ended up conquering the country , teaching Spanish to us and bringing religion to Mexico , whereas before it was different tribes . Mexico had their own economy and their own organization .

But then I think invaded countries have this stigma of like , well , you weren't able to just win against the people who came to invade us .

This is just my opinion and I'm not an expert in history or anything , but I feel like we carry some of this stigma to this day where , like , we feel like , oh , sometimes other cultures have other , like better things to offer or better for some certain reasons . But I do feel like we're all .

There's also this other side of us being super proud of the food that we have , like the culture that we have as a country . It's just so diverse and the food and the country itself is beautiful . There's beautiful areas in Mexico I'm not just talking about Cancun there's like in the Pacific and it's just a beautiful land , like there's still so much diversity .

There's a lot of , I think , grows a lot of like the plant diversity .

It's so rich in Mexico in the area , and I think it's the richest like psychedelic place , like it's just full of energy , like there's a lot of psychedelics that grow in Mexico , a lot of different plants , so it's just so diverse and rich and I feel like I feel proud of that , just because a lot of people come to Mexico to experience these things , to try

the food , the people , the warmth . So I think there's two sides of this right , like every , every culture and I have learned to appreciate everything about different cultures Like there's no perfect country quote unquote or like ideal place to live . There's always going to be something right and that's life .

You can't always expect something to be everything you want , like check all the boxes , and I think that learning to accept that it's part of just enjoying reality and just walking through life without engaging in conversation or in like arguments about who's better or whatever .

So I don't know if I'm answering the question , but I feel like there is certain people , there are certain people that still think and treat people differently because of where they're from , they're from or what they believe , and I think it's because we haven't questioned enough , we haven't realized that the world is so diverse and it's just not diverse and we're

not the center of it . We are too attached to our egos , to our identities here as humans and I'm doing this quote , unquote identities because we believe like , oh , I'm from this country and I'm supposed to believe these things about who I am and I respect those beliefs . I just think that it's good to be open to differences .

That's what makes us wonderful that we're all different .

I think that you really nailed it with talking about being like a conquered country and how that would feel like , and do you feel like that has kind of passed through lineage and like kind of through generations of that , almost like that initial trauma of being like conquered and then maybe like as a culture , always feeling like they have to prove that they kind

of weren't , or do you think it's not really like that ?

Who are we ?

is called ? I guess there's a bunch of different tribes like Native Americans .

We want to think that , oh , we were all friends and everybody was working together and we were all a strong nation , like . No , every little tribe had their own thing going on . They were very violent people . They didn't like the other tribes . They were constantly fighting and trying to get more like gold or like resources .

So it wasn't like a nice and happy place either , right Like every place , right ?

constellations , fire , the elements they were .

They didn't have the challenges that people from Northern Europe had or people from Africa had . All of these things are also because they were located so they didn't have horses or clothing or didn't develop other techniques that other countries developed . So that's another thing .

They were doing their own thing and I think that when the Spaniards came , they were just like no , we want to take advantage of whatever we found in this country , all this stuff , we're going to take it and then we're going to bring you disease and Spanish and religion . And I'm not saying it's all bad Again .

This is how it happened and we were not living in that time . So all we know is what was written then , right , and who wrote it Right , who wrote the history , who wrote all the books ? Who knows , right , what really went down ?

So , yeah , I think a lot of us carry that history when you're taught at school Well , this is how it happened , like in comparison to the US . What are you taught in school , right ? What battles were fought here ? Who won ?

And then to this mentality , and then you start believing oh okay , this is who I am , this is what my nation is , and then you start just having this attitude which , again , can be helpful or it can be harmful . I guess it depends Totally .

But then if you're growing up in America and you're like , no , we're the best , we won against England and we are just so advanced and all these things , then you start getting an ego about you . You know cultural background and don't think about like , oh no , we literally like got rid of an entire culture .

You know of Native Americans and yeah , we enslaved , you know people until the 1800s Like , yeah , you hear about it , but I don't know . Yeah , it's interesting .

It's like you know you start getting talking to people from other countries and kind of learning what they they know or what they've learned , and then , yeah , it's like we're all told so many different things , depending where we're from .

It's just that barriers that we create and that we allow them to stay there and if we don't give ourselves the opportunity to question it , then just stays the same and then we teach other generations to think the same way and it's harder to open yourself up to diversity or other ideas or other identities .

travel and do things . So it left me with this sense of like , what do I do now ? Like , what do I do next ? Do I get a job and go work in the city ? Do I do something else ? Like I don't consider myself a very adventurous person in the sense that I don't jump into situations or put myself into situations where I don't know anything .

I have to be familiar with something just to be able to jump in . So I was just in that place , like in that gray area of like okay , what am I going to do now ?

So I went back to live in my mom's house and I was there for a few weeks and then my sister , who was in France at that time , she had talked to one of my uncles that lives here and he at the time he had a business and they were like talking about like hey , let's work together and try to do this was like a restaurant business .

So my sister and my uncle were kind of talking about just working together for the business . And then my sister said would you like to come and join ? Like , would you like to work with us and we can work together and maybe take over the business or whatever ?

So I think at that point , because I was so confused and like just came back from this big trip , I was like sure I'll jump in . I wasn't really convinced . I was more like what else could I do ? Just look for a job here and stay here or look for another adventure ? So I think that was the reason why I decided to come here , to move to the US .

First he lived in San Antonio , got married and then they moved to Virginia because of my aunt's family that they were here in Virginia they lived , like , in McLean , like that area , so that's where they started living there and that's where they were for a very long time .

So another part of that for me is like every other summer I would come to Virginia to be with my cousins and my uncles and kind of practice English . I would be at summer camps with them and that also helped me strengthen the relationship with my cousins . We're now adults and practice English .

So , yeah , a couple of uncles are here and their families are my cousins , so it's a big group .

But eventually I learned to appreciate the beauty of this the changing of the seasons , the trees , all the things Just beautiful , and it was a really nice way for me to just lean in and just get more in touch with nature . At that time I didn't actively do any hiking or camping or anything like that , I just started to get familiar

with it . So that was another period of my life where I spent so much time alone and I was able to be with myself a lot , whereas before I was always surrounded by people , friends , doing things .

I spent this time spent like a full year , just on my own , like going to work and then coming home to myself and just be surrounded by trees , because I lived close to I don't know Gainesville , like Marshall , that area , so it's like farm , yeah , and that was just a good opportunity for me to just think about everything Like , what am I doing with my life ,

what's going on with my health , and that's the first time that I actually started getting more curious about health and food in general . So I like found out about this nutrition school program called IAN , which is a health coaching school . It's the Institute for Integrative Nutrition , that's what it's called .

I think that my soul was pulling me to this , because the restaurant thing it was just too much for me . I was just not made for it .

Like really . She came here a couple of times and she was trying to get a work visa and she never got it . So she's like you know what ? I'm just going to go to Montreal and just be with my boyfriend and they got married and now they're in Montreal .

So that kind of changed a lot of things and I felt like , oh well , now that she's not here , do I want to keep doing this or no ?

I don't think my uncle was very happy about like the whole idea of me there because it was just not something for me , I was not made for it , I didn't have the interest , I didn't have the commitment . I was just really like wanting to get it . I was like , no , this is not for me .

And I was starting to figure out like then I just should go back to Mexico , like I don't want to be here wasting my uncle's time and money and myself Like I need to make a decision . So then I found this nutrition school program and that just ignited something . I was like , yes , this is what I want to do .

So like I went on and then took that certification and that was another big turning point in my life . That school , that full year of learning .

I learned about so many things , about so many philosophies and diets and foods and super different ways to feel , different ways to feed your soul and your body and your mind , and I was like this is it Like I want this . So my next goal was to become a health coach and just help me .

I initially wanted to do more like a food coaching , like make better food choices and help you out with like groceries and like , maybe , recipes , and then I moved more into like intuitive eating .

That's another thing that I really I was drawn into that just listening to your body and like get rid of the diet mentality and the counting calories and all of that just kind of more connecting to what your body needed . But that was later on .

So I took this health coaching certification and then at that time I met my now husband who he lived in Winchester , so I had never been to Winchester and then we met on matchcom online . So , yeah , because I was having this like weird schedule at the restaurant , I had very little time to go socialize and do things and I was living out in the country .

So I was thinking you know what , at that point , after the health , I was doing the health coaching program and one of the components of that program was invited me to question what do you want in your life ? Like , if you want something , just make it happen . Like , why are you waiting for something to come . And then I have been single for a while .

I have been dating on and off but then I decided you know what I want to be in a relationship Like . I want to be in a committed relationship . I know that I deserve better and I know that the right person who's going to want to be with me , it's going to be committed to that and I'm not going to lower my standards . That's another journey .

I'm not going to be in a relationship with my relationship with men and how that has evolved . The nutrition school helped me to kind of focus on what do I want Like and I appreciate the value in myself and just be more in tune with who I am , because the more I worked on myself , the more I realized that other people were attracted to this energy .

So yeah , I actively said I am going to start a profile on this matchcom thing . We'll see how it goes . I have no expectations . We'll see what happens .

we're always evolving and growing but in your early twenties , to like then , what were some of the things that you were kind of like working through about yourself , that you were like I need to not be like this , or things you're becoming aware of , or yeah , I think a lot of major things come to mind .

now . But I had this initial thought of , like I need to take care of my body , like I want to enjoy doing things , so I need to feed my body good food that's going to make me feel good and pay attention to what am I feeding my mind and what am I doing with my spirit . Like just very holistic , that was kind of the approach of this school .

Just look at everything in your life health , your mind , your finances , your relationships , your fun , your joy , everything . It's just like it's all part of one . So that was my main thing to look at every aspect of my life up until that point and be like , okay , what can I change here to be able to feel this way .

So I was raised in this authoritarian , very like goal focus , like you have to do , you have to be someone , you have to have all these results to be recognized or valued . And I started to challenge that a little bit and just be more like I don't know if I want to go down that route .

I kind of want to take care of my body and just be my best self and see what happens with that . And so that was a big component just taking care of my body and my mind . And then challenging beliefs of relationships , just like what type of partnership I wanted to have , what type of relationship I wanted to have .

My parents they're lovely people but their marriage was not working at all and they got separated eventually . So I learned from that , like challenging or seeing the dynamic between my parents . When I was younger that was my norm . I was like , okay , this is what the marriage looks like , Sure , I'll look for the same thing . Unconsciously I would think that .

And so I ended up with partners who were kind of the same , like that dynamic of okay , this is not like an equal partnership . I'm like kind of doing a lot of the work . So I had these tendencies until I started questioning . This health coaching program changed my life because it really helped me to question what kind of relationship do you want to have ?

What kind of partnership are you looking for ?

And I was listening to that , as opposed to before , when I would be more like charmed with whatever . Oh yeah , he's like cool and talks about these things and we have this in common .

I was a lot more intuitive in that sense , so I challenged a lot of those like beliefs about what a partnership can look like , so relationships taking care of my body and then beliefs like personal beliefs , religious beliefs and then eventually psychedelics and like this other world of , like an expansion of the consciousness , and so those were kind of the main

things .

Since she was in college she started experimenting with LSD and the like this world , and I was still very , very much afraid of that . I was . There were a lot of taboos . I was like , no , that's like , oh my gosh , only people who are like addicted and like that's a crazy thing You're going to , you know , end up crazy .

So I had a lot of resistance in the beginning and then , when I was working after college , when I lived in my apartment , I had my first LSD experience with my sister . We went to a concert and I want to say it was very recreational , like it was all like , oh my gosh , things moving and melting and oh . So that was recreational .

I had a second experience with my ex-boyfriend from college doing that too Recreational . I was more like , oh , this feels fun , like let's do it , let's listen to music . So those two experiences were my first . Yeah , like my first contact with LSD . But then my sister recommended a podcast in Spanish from a woman who has worked with the Toad .

She facilitates the Toad , the Toad Medicine how do you spell that ? Like the animal T Toad , yeah , toad . And she facilitates that medicine in Mexico . And she has a whole podcast talking about psychedelics in general , and not just psychedelics but everything else .

So I started listening to her podcast and she she kind of educated me on this whole journey of like what , what is it really ? Is it ? It's not the answer to things . They're just like shortcuts and it's just tools that nature has for you to be able to see things from a different perspective . That's it . It's not the solution , it's not .

You don't go for them to fix all your problems . They just kind of show you what already is and if you're not ready , you're going to resist it because we are too afraid of the unknown . It's really like jumping like a bungee , jumping Like you don't know what you're going to expect and it's very scary .

And the more you have these beliefs about what they cause in your mind or what's going to happen or if you're going to have a bad trip , the more you resist . So listening to her helped me to kind of feel more comfortable with the idea of trying it again , like doing it again in a more conscious way .

And so my sister , when we went to visit her in Montreal I don't know 2018 or something , this was now with my husband I did mushrooms for the first time . That was a beautiful

experience . I feel like listening , actively listening and educating myself with the whole psychedelic world made me more interested in , like , really being mindful , and I have been practicing yoga and just more and more into the self discovery part , or like more into the I go to therapy . I just was , I felt ready to do it again .

going to listen to my body and be more in tune with nature , and so it kind of all like came in to play then .

I was like a little nervous because I had never done it before , but I also was with my sister and my brother-in-law who , like those people I would describe them as psychonauts was was that a term ? Like they just do this exploration constantly and they are just really involved in this thing . So , anyway , I did it .

We were in the woods and that was a beautiful thing . Like it was super grounding . I remember feeling very connected to everything , Like just realizing wow , I'm just part of it all , like I'm not just a human and these are plants , we're just all together . It's like dance . I felt so safe and so like my anxiety just disappeared .

I was just so trusting of everything I was in . I was all in . Like I didn't see a lot of visuals , which is what I was expecting to see , similar to LSE , where you get a lot of visuals Not this time .

I did see some stuff , but it was more like the feeling , the feeling of kind of think of ourselves as onions and those mushrooms help you peel those layers of masks and egos that we have as adults . We have a lot of different masks to show the world who we think we are , and the mushrooms just take that off and then they just realize I'm just here .

You know , I'm just so grateful for my existence , like I'm just part of this and , yeah , it was really sweet and I think it was really helpful that I was with someone who I loved and trust my sister . She was able to kind of guide me through the whole thing . She even said set and setting , which is the main thing .

When you want to do psychedelics , you want a good set and good setting . You want to have food available , you want to be comfortable , you want to be surrounded by people that you trust , you want to be in a good area like the woods , nature . It's really a beautiful place to do it . So my sister had food prepared and we were all comfy .

We were around the fire . It was a very intimate thing . I remember crying , I laughed , I was breathing , I was like , oh , this is awesome . I just felt a lot , which is something that I'm learning to do too . I'm a lot in my head .

I tend to be like thinking too much , and then I feel like there was there's some disconnection between my mind and my body sometimes , and mushrooms helped me to just let myself feel everything and just surrender to it all , and I experienced that for the first time .

I remember thinking like , oh wow , these mushrooms are like messengers , you know , like they carry so much information from the earth that grow , like they grow in the earth that has information , and then we eat them and we get the information , and then we die and then we go back to earth and then that same information comes back into them .

I was just tripping like that and then my sister kept saying we are just the vessel . The mushrooms speak through us . Like this is the mushroom talking through you . And I felt so good . I really felt like the mushrooms were taking over . I was like I'm just talking .

I felt like I became more eloquent when I was in mushrooms and I just loved talking and I loved seeing my sister there and I remember crying about how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and how grateful I was that she introduced me to psychedelics and it was so beautiful and I was able to like .

At that time I had my little daughter with me and I decided that I wanted to experience that with her around me and I felt so safe . I felt I looked at her from a different like , in a different way .

My husband didn't do it , so he was going to be able to be like like on it , but then I learned that I just could see her as this little soul , curious soul , exploring and touching everything , and I would just follow her and I was extremely present with her , like , extremely present .

I remember not even wanting to look at my phone , not even wanting to look at , and I remember watching her walk . She was like a year and a half , I think , and I would tell her remember , don't touch all the plants . Not all the plants are for eating . You have to be very mindful . You can explore , you can walk around , but just don't touch everything .

I was just very present with that like , knowing that I was there to guide her and protect her , but also to let her walk her own path , and just kind of I had this aha moment where I was like this is my responsibility as a mom to be here for her to be her safe space . Make sure that she's safe .

But let her be , let her explore , let her do her own thing .

Like , when I talk about this experience , I'm like , yes , it's reassuring , like of course this is my mission and of course I need to remember that she doesn't belong to me , I'm just the portal . I really just brought her here and that's it . She's her own self . She is going to make her own decisions .

I can only be here to support her and be that place where she feels safe and contained . And then she's going to be on her own and I need to , you know , respect that and love her unconditionally and let her teach me like , listen to what she has to tell me .

So that was my first experience doing mushrooms more consciously , and I did it again with a friend of mine , and that was a different thing because that was without my husband , my sister . It was just my friend and I in nature and she hadn't done it before . That was a whole other magical thing . It really plays like .

I think it makes a difference when I'm surrounded , you know , when I'm with my daughters there , with my husband's there , and when I'm alone with a friend . It's just a different setting , right . So that was a whole other experience . Beautiful too .

Like I've been contemplating the idea of like I want to do it now I think I'm ready to do it . But the toad experience was back to this lady with a podcast . She shares openly about her medicine and she says if you want to book a session with us , just contact us . It's going to be , you know , we're going to do it .

And she's very professional , a very , very sacred , very respectful of the medicine she's . And she always says that if you're going to do it , you have to find someone who is serious about this stuff , because you have to be respectful . You have , it's a very ceremonial , special thing .

It's not like giving away candy or just for fun , and this is not for everyone . She definitely says be prepared . I mean , it's a big thing . So if you're not sure , if you feel like you don't want to let go of control , it's probably you're not , probably ready for it . You have to be willing to surrender and just not try to make sense of it .

So I said I'm going to do it , let's do it . So I went to Mexico I think this was on my own there for a wedding or something , and so I made an appointment . I went to her house and so she and her husband both facilitate the medicine , so I went with her husband . They like switch .

I felt so contained , like , so held . I was like , wow , the energy in this house is amazing , like , and everything in the house looked so . She's a very intentional person , so everything in the house was so intentional , like every little plant , every little thing was just like beautiful . So I was like , yes , this is . I felt so safe .

I was like this is it . I'm going to do it here . It's awesome and there's certain rules , like there's a questionnaire that they ask you , they send you beforehand for you to answer .

They want to make sure that you don't you're not on any end to the presence and that you don't have any history of like schizophrenia or some other like mental illnesses , because you're not a candidate for that If you have those .

So , yeah , he like asked me about my experience with psychedelics before and how I felt , and he kind of walked me through the process of this . What's going to happen ? You're going to smoke and you're going to hold it and then I'm going to count from 10 to one and then you're going to be gone .

Because he's yeah , I was like , okay , that's a big difference . Because he said you know , with LZM mushrooms they're different , like you , how you consume them , and you're there , like , but you never feel like you leave your body .

You're like you are there , you can feel weird and see things , but you know that you're experiencing something in your body and you know you're conscious that you're you with . With this one You're just in and out , like you just , yeah , you leave your body .

Literally your brain like gets detached from , like your ego kind of thing , so like you're kind of floating out there and some people say this is what happens when you die , like this is kind of like the feeling that you

get when you die .

He said he was going to do that and then he's like when you come back , we're going to , if you want to talk about it , we can talk some , and then we'll see how you feel . So I was like okay , uh , yeah , I was nervous . He said use the bathroom if you need to . Like he just was so loving and patient and like he's done this for years .

And so , yeah , I was like really , really nervous but also excited and I had learned enough about this that I knew it was going to be beautiful , like most of the people had a beautiful experience , and it really depends where you are mentally and emotionally .

Think that if you are in a place where you are also like looking for an answer desperately or trying to numb yourself from something , or like not in a great place , you may not have this beautiful pink experience , but that doesn't mean your experience is going to be bad , it's just going to be different . So , yeah , I was like , okay , let's do it .

And then he started , he did the whole ritual and then he said , okay , you're going to smoke this and just try to not try not to cough . It's a little strong , so try to keep it in . So I did it and I remember he started . I remember him saying , okay , 10 , 9 , 8 . And then he said that I was gone at 8 .

And I remember like in the beginning it felt so weird because I remember resisting . I just didn't want to leave my body . I was like what's this ? And he said don't try to make sense of it . Don't try to make sense of it , just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel . That's it , that's the magic .

Like , if you resist , if you try to like , create in your mind what is this ? What am I saying ? It's not going to work . You have to completely let go . So it was a little hard for me in the beginning because I was like what is this ? I don't know , I'm not sure .

There's a lot of trauma , I think , with that , like I recently talked to my therapist about it , and I think it really comes from me as a child , feeling not held and not supported , like my emotions were not validated , so I felt always alone and anxious and afraid , and I think that I'm I've carried that and I've like made this layer or created this layers of

protection , including like being so friendly and being like super joyful , and those are all like defense mechanisms , like coping mechanisms , and I'm learning to let go of those and really feel sit with the uncomfortable feeling . I went to do energy work and I learned that .

But yeah , that kind of ignited that sense of like oh okay , I need to do work on this somatic work . It's really hard .

Is this my subconscious , like tapping into the subconscious mind ? I think it's really hard .

And I think that was the first time that I like completely surrendered and actually tuned into like what I was feeling , and I was . It was so intense and I was like I was not shaking but just like feeling very overwhelmed . I was like what just happened ? Like I was crying , and she's like yes , it's a , it's a lot .

You want somewhere where you probably have avoided for a very long time . And then you like open that door and it's a lot . But you know , you can always shift your energy , you can always .

She made me some visualization where she said you can just imagine that you're in a bubble , you're in the safe bubble , everything's good in this bubble , everything outside you don't have to worry about . And then she said and then I was like okay , I was breathing . And she said see , you shifted your energy and it was really empowering .

And I started seeing like a lot of clouds , like pink clouds , very beautiful . It was like light , and I think I saw like a toad at some point . It was just like really whimsical and pink and magical , like cotton candy sort of . And then that was what I remember seeing , because my eyes were closed .

But then the feeling , the sensation I've never felt before . I felt the most joy , happiness , like my heart was bursting with love . I was like , oh my gosh , I just love , I just love , love , love . It was just so much love . And when I got to that part , I remember just like doing this , I just let go .

And that's when I just got there , I think , and I remember just having this constant like joy coming in , like happiness and just gratefulness and all the good things that you can feel like , all the good feelings or the positive , like feelings that a human can feel . I was having a lot of that gratefulness , joyfulness , happiness , great like everything .

I was just high on all of those . I was like whoa , this is awesome . I don't know what I said , but I was just super , super just there yeah amazing . And then it just I remember I slowly started coming back , like it kind of like that burst kind of started winding down .

I was like no , no , no , I want to keep feeling like that , I don't want to go back . And I came back and I remember like feeling like actually moving my hands , I'm thinking like , oh , okay , I'm back , I'm back in this body again .

And I remember opening my eyes and they had like this window that I could see like the sun coming through , and I was like slowly making sense of it , like okay , what did I just feel ? And and I woke up and he said you were most of the people just like go in it and they just lay down . You were still sitting down , so I had to help you lay down .

I was like I didn't feel anything . And , yeah , he's like what ? How was that ? And I was like is this what happens when you die ? Like that's what I asked him and he's like some people say that that it's just like the general feeling .

I'm like because , yeah , it's that the toad medicine , or like the five cinco mel de mete , it's some , you have it in your system . It's just like ignite something . Yeah , it's activating so it's not something that it's weird to the body , it's like something that they say that you seek secret when you were born and when you die . Those are the two moments .

Okay , you create that , and then the total just comes and says he's here again . So it's like a boost of that .

You can come here as many times as you want , but if you're not doing anything with this , then it's not like it's not working . The biggest thing from that experience was I am capable of feeling all of these things like I have them in me , they exist . I'm able to feel love and I'm joy and everything all the time .

Like it's , it's empowering , like I can feel this if I want to . So it's not that something outside of me has to happen in order for me to feel that way , it's like it comes out of me . So that was my biggest takeaway

. And the other thing was that I , immediately after I like we finished and I was like I'm so grateful , whatever . And then he said , yeah , like that you know that with active meditation , like if you meditate it for a very long time , you could get to this same point .

Like you don't have to use psychedelics to get here with like there's people that meditate so much that they get here on a different like a regular day . I was like wow , and that's true , like you don't need the psychedelics to get to that point . Meditation can get you there , but obviously you have to be extremely connected to that .

So I left the space and I got into an Uber and the Uber was playing this like techno music , really loud and intense . And I was in the corner of the Uber just thinking it's okay , like I was back in the city and I was like in this bubble of everything so nice and everything so peaceful , I'm just so grateful for existing , for living here .

I was just so grateful and yeah , so that was kind of like the experience and to this day I'm still integrating . And I remember he said if you smoke weed a few , like a few days after this smoke weed , the weed yeah , yeah , it can come back .

Like it can , he said , can bounce back like that feeling in your dreams , he said , or maybe when you're like smoking marijuana , it can come back . And I was like , oh , but , and so I did have that sensation in a dream a couple times , that same joy of like .

I remember in my dream I was dying or about to die , or I was getting hurt and thinking , oh , I'm gonna die , but it's okay , I feel fine , I know where I'm going , I know this feeling . So I was like , oh , he was right , like it feeling , the feeling comes back . It's beautiful .

I mean , you kind of touched on it of like that you are just like you know , you were just the portal for her to be here and live her life and all that good stuff . But was being a mom , was it like hard for you to like get used to kind of like surrendering to not having your own life anymore , or what was that journey ?

But in that journey I find that I I realized that I was stronger than I thought , I was , more patient than I thought I was like , more resourceful than I thought I was , like it's just this being that depends on you a hundred percent , and they don't know anything . They just know that they have you there to provide for them and you have to figure it out .

So for me , it just gave me the opportunity to realize that she's a mirror to me , of course , so I need to be a better person to be able to show her kindness and love and acceptance and all those things that are important for this world , especially the world that we live in .

And I'm trying not to raise her the way , like you know , most people are like well , I don't want to raise there my daughter or my kids same way I was raised like I'm not what . I'm trying not to operate from that scarcity mindset of like I didn't have this . I get to give her this , because that can get tricky sometimes .

Like , what you needed as a child doesn't mean that your kid needs it right . Kids are different , things change , situations are different . So I think that that , like intentionally , that's a good thing . You want to give them the best , but you don't necessarily want to give them what you were not given .

I think that's more for of your responsibility to give it to yourself , to remother yourself , than to put it on your child right . So for me , it's trying to be more of like the abundance of it , trying to be more present for her and that's a big thing for me like presence . I think that every human being wants love and connection .

That's what we want and if I give her that , she's probably gonna have the tools to be able to navigate this chaotic world . I'm not intending to protect her from anything or to I . She's going to experience heartbreak , sadness , frustration . She needs to experience those emotions because she's a human . She gets to that .

I'm not gonna hide those from her , but I will give her the tools to be able to like , experience them in a healthy way and be able to regulate herself . That's a big thing for kids , the emotion , validation is a big part of it . So I'm trying to say , hey , you are allowed to be frustrated .

You can be tired , like you can feel everything , and I'm here for you . I'm going to be your safe space . You can be the worst of yourself here with me and I'm here , loving you .

And when that's done , when the storm has passed , I'm still here so that she knows that she's able to express herself and just be herself and not and the trick and and the triggers that like her behavior , whatever triggers in me , just think it's not her what's causing in me her behavior . So it's a big learning experience .

Like I said expansion , a lot of questioning , a lot of mirroring and just realizing how much she is learning and absorbing and absorbing from her surroundings and how smart kids are and how , the way you talk to them , the way you react to not to them , but like two things the way you will react when you're frustrated , the way you talk to your partner , the

way you talk to other people , the things that you do daily . Those are things they're watching . I mean , I didn't learn things that my parents taught me and said you have to make your bed , you don't have to lie .

I learned from what they did and I remember how that made me feel , so I'm trying to connect with her from that right , because how old is she now ? three and a half . Yeah , it's . It's a challenging age , like she's definitely have . She definitely has her own opinions .

Lots of feelings , lots of tantrums and lots of things that some days I'm like you know what I need a moment . I think I can't handle this right now and sometimes , yeah , I screw up and I apologize . That's a big part of it . I'm not trying to be the perfect mom that does not exist . I'm just a human mom and I make mistakes .

So when I make mistakes I go back to her and I apologize to her . I look at her in the eyes and I say I spoke to you in that way . I'm so sorry , I was really frustrated . Next time I'm gonna try to breathe and just be away for a little bit and I'll come to you , I'm sorry .

So she learns that people make mistakes but you also get to apologize and it's okay . So she's helped me to .

She's brought up a lot of like my other , like my childhood trauma that I'm like so she brings me material and I'm like okay , and I talk to my therapist about it and then I kind of like put the piece together and I'm like , yeah , so I was afraid of conflict , because conflict I associated with a broken relationship .

Every time I had conflict in my life , like there was a distance . I remember not wanting conflict in my life because I would think , well , if I get angry at this person , they're not gonna like me anymore . So I don't want to be angry and I won't .

Even if I'm angry , I'm not gonna say that I'm angry , I just want to keep things cool , and I did that for many years until I realized that's not helping me at all . I'm just carrying all this resentment and all these feelings and I need to get them out . So , yeah , it's been a constant . It's constant evolution , constant learning for sure .

. I think that I didn't know how difficult it's actually to raise her bilingual , because when they are five or six , when they start school , they start choosing not to speak like the second language , just because they say , oh well , everybody speaks English and I speak English , everybody's going to understand .

My teacher speak English , my friends , my family , and it becomes it just feels like swimming against the current because I talk Spanish to her Exclusively and then my husband does a little bit of Spanish . We have a bilingual community that we see every week and we and she has a friend who she speaks Spanish with .

So I think that those are really good tools because she's normalizing that Other people speak Spanish , that people that look different , like it's not only people that are from Mexico or like People like that look a certain way . There's a lot of people that speak in Spanish too .

So she's been exposed to that and I feel like I'm planting the seed for her to know that there's a community of people that are like her , that are raised in a bilingual high household , and I also want her to realize that her family in Mexico speak Spanish and in order for her to talk to her , yeah , yeah , my mom , she needs to speak Spanish , and that her

dad , that my sister , speak Spanish . So , like building those connections for her to just know , okay , spanish is an important language for me . That's how I'm going to communicate with my family and eventually invite her to Go to Mexico and just get familiar with the culture , not necessarily because I want her to believe that she's Mexican or everything .

It's more like it's part of my history , it's part of my identity .

So to celebrate that , and I'm also very Aware that when she's older and then if she decides to just speak English , it's also gonna be her choice and I don't want to force her , like Everything in life , like I'm doing what I think would be beneficial for her Learning both two languages and being able to see two worlds and communicate with two cultures .

But if she chooses to just do English , then , yeah , it's gonna be her choice eventually . But , yeah , I think that there's different . There's a lot of tools , a lot of material there . There's , yeah , resources , but I think the big two components of raising kids bilingual is community and commitment . It's hard . You have to keep doing it .

You have to surround yourself with people who speak Spanish and and just keep doing , keep practicing , keep practicing .

She says bring that in Spanish . She doesn't know the word which means to bring . So she says bring that I , I want to bring that my little bro , she wants to bring her book . So she does these little things that are really funny and she's just learning to talk . But she's able to identify English and Spanish and switch .

She knows that her grandparents here in Winchester speak in Spanish , in English , and that my mom speaks in Spanish . So she like sends messages to her in Spanish , she talks to them in Spanish . So she knows , she's aware .

And now she says I talk , I speak Spanish with my friend , right , and I speak Spanish with you and I speak English with my dad , and yeah , so she , she's very familiar with that .

She doesn't teach Spanish to kids who want to learn . It's exclusively for the kids who are raised in a bilingual household and to want to practice Spanish . So she does the classes and she does play dates and events and family things for People to come together and find each other . Like hey , I'm going through the same thing . Hey , what tools work for you ?

Hey , I have a child who is the same age as you and let's be friends and that alone is a big help because , you know , raising a child is difficult and it's can be isolating . But when you're doing bilingual one to have other people around you who know exactly what you're going through .

Because I've met many people who are like , oh , it's cute , my daughter knows one or two words in Spanish and it's just not the same . Like it's , I'm glad that they want to learn , but it's a real commitment .

Like you have to be intentional about where you take , like what friends you have and how much you talk about it and how relevant it is in your household . She watches every cartoon that we can in Spanish . She knows songs in Spanish , like she's reads books in Spanish on actively Injecting all the Spanish that I can .

So she grows up knowing that both languages are as important and as useful , especially now that I feel like more and more people are speaking Spanish or there's more programs in schools , that there's bilingual programs and a lot of like .

It's not only Mexico , like all South America , speaks in Spanish , like if she travels around Out of the US , she'll be able to talk to other people too .

Their parents are Mexican , but they didn't raise them like they focused on learning English because that was more of a survival skill , like you need to learn English because you're here in the US and I don't think there was , there were tools or the communities necessarily .

So they focused on the English part and now they understand Spanish , but they don't fluently Speak it and it's you know , it's like a disconnection of , like , the culture a little bit .

For sure , I am currently teaching at a little preschool where it's like a , it's a garden , so the kids are outside all day and we get to know about plants and it's just so nice to be connected to nature . So I feel like my soul is calling me to learn the language of plants .

I don't know if I want to be an herbalist or something around that area , but I definitely want to keep learning about plants and nature and people to identify plants and make medicine , who knows ? Definitely doing this somatic work like connecting with myself , just keep , keep digging .

I want to be able to get out of my head and just be able to connect with my body more and let myself feel the feeling , sit with the uncomfortable feelings , and let that just process all of that . And in general , just I think that my thing with control on quote-unquote .

I feel like that's been a work that I've been doing Just to let go in control of control , or the illusion of control , and just surrender to what is . I think that just Living without expectations and just being present is what I have enjoyed the most with my daughter . She's daily reminding me this is fun , let's be present , let's enjoy .

So I want to tap a lot more into that presence and the gratitude of just being alive and , yeah , connect with my intuition about my relationships , new friendships , connections .

Just let my intuition guide that and I eventually want to move into a house where I have a nice garden , maybe chickens , who knows just live closer to nature that's kind of like my thing .

Have a little sauna , maybe Just build a house , build a home right for for enjoyment , build a house for enjoyment and just be there , enjoy , learn from nature , enjoy my daughter and just keep enjoying life .

For sure , I'm open , but I'm like trying to decide what I want to do with that and just thinking what's my next step . With social media , everything's changing so much . Everybody wants to do videos . Now I gotta know . All right , well , thank you . Thank you so much . I enjoyed this .