Life’s Unfolding With Stephanie McKinley

not be able to do it . Yeah , it was like there was that you know , I'll show you thing going on , cool , but did you play sports ? So I grew up riding horses very competitively and so I really missed out on traditional sports because it took all of my time and I loved it .

And then , when I got to high school , I wanted kind of the social scene and so I started playing sports . I wasn't excellent at anything , I was excellent at riding , but I liked kind of being part of the team . So I played soccer , I did swim team . Growing up I tried like a little bit of everything .

Like I went through a dance phase , I went through a baton twirling phase .

So I was alone a lot , and this was back in the day when there was like latch key kids , what is that ? They called us . So basically , your that's what happened . You like went off to school with your house key around your neck , and it's what they called kids that didn't have , like a parent at home .

So I'd come home , I'd let myself in , I'd be alone for a lot of hours and then eventually my mom would come home and we'd do it again . There's a lot of alone time .

I moved back to Florida and then started doing yoga more often . So I was probably early twenties and started doing it more often and loved the mental benefits . I loved the quiet that I could find . I think that's why I'm a heavy breather .

People always ask cause I like breathe really heavy if you've been in a class with me or and I teach so much about from the breath- Deep breath in yeah , Aw for it .

And so I didn't do yoga at all when I was in the first couple years that I was training hard and then I was feeling a lot of tightening in my body . So I went back to yoga and did it pretty balanced between yoga and crossfit , so I dove in heavily there .

So I would say , yeah , the 2000s were a pretty strong time of yoga in my life and I had teachers that really talked about you know the history and really the teachings . It wasn't all just about the asana . So I was really drawn to that . I did a lot of classes at yoga journey with Leslie Glickman .

I went to a studio where I did a lot of classes with Jessica , Tara Wood , Caroline Wybar . I met kind of a little bit later in my yoga kind of life in South Florida and I fell deeply in love with her classes and knew that I wanted to train with her at some point . There was just so many fantastic teachers down there that really offered so much

.

Or do you feel like , because you said , like college it was like pretty dark and not cool and it almost sounds like you were kind of like wilted and then like kind of like bloomed to , like the Stephanie Because I'm sure that the Stephanie then versus the Stephanie that people know and love now you know like anything and then one is completely different .

But you know you're so vibrant and like full of life now and I wonder what that looked like .

I've spent the majority of my younger life incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin , incredibly uncomfortable . There's a lot of misdiagnosed mental health stuff Definitely had a significant amount of trauma in my childhood .

So I just I never felt comfortable and I felt comfortable on the back of a horse and I felt comfortable on a yoga mat and a CrossFit gym , I was going to say . And then I started feeling really comfortable with a barbell in my hand . I loved CrossFit . I definitely felt that there I felt that kind of sense of connection and camaraderie and hiking totally .

But maybe so I guess that was later , exactly , yeah , I mean , I definitely felt that when I hiked . But , living in Florida , I wanted to move out of Florida . Like the entire time I lived in Florida , I really did not want any part of Florida because I craved nature in the outdoors .

So I traveled as much as possible and I would travel to amazing places and be outside every second . And I'll give my mom some credit . You know she took me camping a lot when I was little and those were . I remember that being a time of peace , like there wasn't the chaos , the standard stuff that swirled in my head and in my soul and in my life .

It was a safe place . It was a timeout . I felt held in nature . I felt connected to something bigger than me , you know , kind of whatever you want to call it , but at the time I think I called it the universe . So that was always really good .

I spent a lot of time at the beach in Florida because I've , yeah , nature , yeah , it was like as much as you could get . You know , standing on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean , you , you feel small and it kind of puts things into perspective . I would run on the beach a lot and then when I had Sienna , I would run alongside the beach .

She fell asleep in a jog stroller for the first like three years of her life .

There were plenty of times that I thought I can't do this , or we would fight or whatever , or I would yell at her and feel horrific , because I really aspire to be a mom that doesn't yell . But I am not . I'm a mom that yells . I'm sorry , sienna .

Yeah , like I think it would be so cool to just be so calm and be able to , like , keep maintain that calm in times when your kids just trigger you .

Yeah , and I mean it's certainly not my go to by any means , yeah , but I would say that that was the most authentic I've ever felt , and I was horrifically depressed for the first year that I was in Winchester actually , because , I was really struggling being off the road . I still long for it , yeah .

To be perfectly honest , I was dealing with , I mean , the most atrocious abuse , neglect , just awful , awful things , and I'm super sensitive , I'm a highly sensitive person . They have initials now for HSP .

They didn't have those initials back then , but I absorbed a lot and so it was time to change , and so I started working in the field of addictions , not exactly sure why . I thought that was going to be a little easier , but I was . I was called into that and it was also incredible . It was very wonderful work . I loved the work .

I loved working with the people that I worked with , but it also really took a toll on me and I just knew I couldn't sustain life at the pace that it was .

I was the clinical director of a 70 bed inpatient facility that also offered PHP , iop and OP services , and I was on call 24 seven and I was very busy saving the world you know , one person at a time and I started to realize that my kid was really paying the price and I was not willing to like , just let that go forever .

And in true Stephanie fashion , I either go big or go home . So I kind of changed everything . We sold everything we owned . I bought a little . I made some massive career changes . I spent a . I had this apartment down by the beach that I loved .

It was right by the beach and I would wake up every single morning and watch the sunrise and collect sea glass and sharks teeth and I just I thought I had arrived and this was just gonna be how life was . I was content , I was really happy . And then Sienna and I I think she was six and we went on a really awesome trip .

We went camping out in a bunch of national parks , so we did Arches and the Grand Canyon and Bryce and the Grand Staircase , escalante , I think there was one or two others and we had best time together and we just did not want to come back to the stress of life and we talked and giggled and we laughed about oh , wouldn't it be so cool to do this for

like a whole year , like how our whole life be like this . And so she was six and that really kind of started the ball in motion and we would talk about it here and there and then we decided we really wanted to do it and we downsized to an efficiency together to see if we could live small .

So that went well and then we just I just started selling everything I owned and bought a little pop-up camper and quit my job , and I had a great , great , great relationship with my boss . He actually hired me as a consultant and I did some remote work for him in the treatment facility and that was really good to have still some income on the road .

And then we hit the road . Oh , I knew I needed like something to fall back on right . And then I also knew that I was gonna make a big lifestyle change . I was ready to live much simpler , so I decided to get my teacher training . So I did that in 2015 and then hit the road . What was your plan ? To not have a plan . That was the whole goal .

But my loose plan was to head up the East Coast , come back down a different route , be in the southern kind of working my way across to the West Coast during the winter months , and then head north on the West Coast and maybe do some stuff in the middle somewhere I don't know .

I didn't even really know what I was doing , other than it was kind of in the right place . Yeah , thought it would be cool . I loved the desert parts of Arizona and New Mexico . I loved New Mexico , that sacred ground .

It was mind-blowing to me and really hard to comprehend anyone who's in touch with energy or themselves to go to that land and not feel something significant . Yeah , it just felt sacred . It felt so sacred , it felt like hollowed ground and I really didn't want to leave Sienna and I spent a lot of time in some BLM land outside of Joshua Tree .

That was just outrageous . Again , it was kind of that desert-y feel . We loved that . Yosemite was outrageous . Sequoia trees and redwoods were mind-blowing . Acadia was amazing . I don't know . I feel like I could go on and on . We had a national park focus . Yeah , right .

We did not experience that , so we could .

And then she earned junior ranger badges at all the national parks so she could tell you like every edible cactus in the desert , but she had no clue what a fraction was .

So she got a tremendous education on incredible things , but they weren't necessarily a school curriculum , so there were gonna be deficits there at some point Right , and she just really wanted some friends Routines , yeah .

It was simple , we lived in 74 square feet and it's still to this day my favorite like dwelling that I lived in . I sold it because when I bought it I knew that it was kind of like an investment , like what I , that I could sell it , it would retain its value and that it would be kind of what I used to settle wherever I settled .

So it's kind of like a safety I don't know Thavings account kind of sort of . I sobbed for like three weeks when I sold it . Yeah , its name was Hershey because it looked like a Hershey kiss , yeah , little triangle . But it was manageable , like it had everything I needed . It had a sink .

It didn't have a toilet because I didn't want to deal with the dump yeah , toilet dump . I specifically did not want a toilet . But it had a sink , it had a bed , it had a table , had some windows , had a heater what else do you need ? I don't know .

I wore the same things all the time and I didn't care like , and growing up in South Florida , all of the outside stuff mattered more than anything and I never liked that . Like it never felt . I got caught up in it for sure . Yeah , sienna dies laughing because she'll see pictures .

I mean , there was a time in my life when I drove a convertible BMW and lots of Louis Vuitton and I had full makeup on and six inch like stilettos on at all times , right . I was all about name brand clothing . I shopped at Sex Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom and , like I , that's what I thought success was , and it's not .

I'm gonna buy less of this and I'm gonna yeah , that's a good question .

You could only feel that on a mat yeah , for one hour a day , yeah , totally yeah , right , so I knew that there was just priorities were off or you know something , right , the pressure , like I was tired of the pressure . It took a lot of effort to keep all that stuff up , like spinning ten plates at once . Yeah , you know it was .

I wanted a simpler life for me so that I could be a better mom and not feel as tight like I was holding a lot together and so there was a lot of rigidity . That had to be , because if one thing went wrong like the house of cards was coming down so I wanted a simpler life so that I could show up the best version for her .

So then like , but coming back to that , feel like that , like not coming back , but moving somewhere brand new , like what did that feel ? Like it was really hard .

Well , not just went up , but in October I went up to CCNN and I ended up staying for like two or three weeks and in the morning I would wake up and I would go for a long hike and in the afternoon I would have clients and then I would have a simple dinner and go to bed .

I mean I was so happy , so happy , go for a hike , be outside , be of service to somebody else . I felt more inspired , like I felt like my clients get a better version of me when , you know , when I'm able to feed myself .

And right now in my life I'm not like I'm just pulled in so many different directions , and so I don't feel that it's a challenging balance . It's challenging to navigate , like I know what sets my soul on fire , I know what makes me so happy , but that's not even to say it's easy . I mean there was plenty of times that I fell apart on the road Totally .

What are we doing ? Like , now we're settling here . That's what I would maybe .

I think the reality of the situation is and maybe I'm an extrovert , maybe I'm an introvert , I don't know . I've tried to take the test multiple times and skew it , even on purpose , and it still comes up an E . But yeah , but I really need quiet time , I need downtime .

So I think my intuition says I'm much more of an introvert than I've ever really allowed or given myself permission for . So you know , the last couple of years I'll take like a week or two and go on solo hikes and fill myself back up and those are the times that I'm happiest . But I don't know how do you , how do you do that forever ?

You don't write like maybe people do .

gone . You work remotely .

I mean , I tell my clients all the time , if there's a should statement , you've chucked that right out the door . It has nothing to do with you know truth , right , and it's , that's true . Yeah . The other thing is that I do enjoy connection with people and I really have some amazing people in my life here .

You know , I think about people that I've met at the studios and I don't . It would be hard to walk away from that .

I do feel connected to that , yeah , and somewhere in my head this may or may not be a lie , but it does weigh on me tells me that if I'm not here , that the people that do yoga with me or practice with me won't continue to practice with me , and I don't want to let go of that , even though I know that , like , see , I get a little emotional , yeah ,

so I know that , like , if I'm supposed to teach , there will be students yeah , and that might not be the same students that I have , but the thought of letting go .

Sometimes there's no answers and you're just like working through it because , like Sienna leaving , that's like fucking huge that that happened , like it's like lovely for her Obviously , like she's , like you know , pursuing her dreams and it's like the right choice and all that stuff . But for you I feel like that's so early . She's a ninth grade , not graduated .

This is like four years before you would thought you would have to like lose your BB lose your everything and you know . Before when I asked like . So why are you not afraid ? It was like because Sienna .

So that typically , as you said , happens four years from now , and so I'm in this early throw of it and I mean when she first left I legitimately was kind of comatose .

So , yeah , I think time is this interesting thing , right , like this idea of oh well , I just want to get it done so that then I can go back to having some peace in my life . But I think that there's a bit of a farce there , right , like , for how long can you maintain that ? Cause this is going on forever and ever .

How do I still show up as a yoga teacher ? How do I ?

Like I know we all have boundaries , yes , yes , yes , but for me it's not even boundaries , it's more like a capacity .

Like when you're talking about like my inner circle , like I only have the capacity for like my sister , my boyfriend , my best friend Hannah , my best friend Caroline , and then yoga stuff and work stuff and eating healthy and time alone , like that's my capacity , that inner circle .

And so if I were to have somebody new come into my life to be like I want to be your best friend , I want to hang out with you all the time , I don't really have the capacity for that . I don't need to say that I have a quote , unquote boundary with that person , but I just don't have the capacity to like allow that type of thing .

And so what you're kind of talking about is like listen to all those things that you're supposed to have capacity for , when really I feel like you don't even have a capacity for like the house stuff . That's ridiculous , correct .

I taught a yoga class this morning and all my students said to me well , why don't you rest , like you tell us ? And I was like that's interesting , great , great feedback . Yeah , love that . Yeah , totally , but it's not just rest Like I legitimately need to take some things off my plate , literally .

Or I can say you know what ? I'm going to dedicate X amount of time to go for a hike every day and Things get done great . If they don't get done great . There is that piece that tells me that's not right . Right , like responsible people don't just go take off on a hike , they do what needs to be done in front of them . But it's again .

It's at what cost ?

If you have kids and they have sports and you also have a full-time job , and it's a crazy season and also , like you're , you know the x , y and z , all this stuff , you can't just be like , yeah , I'm just abandoning all of that because you can't . But there should be like an end in sight , correct ?

I know , or To meditate or just be with yourself , take a couple of breaths like we have to go really seek that or stumble upon it . It's not part of something that is Applauded or encouraged in our society .

Like I raised my hand , I'm definitely one of them right now and that's that's up to me to change . That's not on anybody else putting pressure on me because I could say , hi , I'm at capacity , sorry , but what I do is I burn myself out and then I like sit in bed all day watching law and order .

Then at the end of the day I'm like Jesus , I have a horrible person . But you get in those habits , those , those cycles , right , and then it's time to just go wow or you have moments like this when you sit down and you talk to somebody and you hear yourself talking , you go .

You actually have way more choice than you realize and you know I'm Choosing to toss another plate in the air and go haha , let's see . Yeah , instead of going , I'm a capacity . Yeah , I'm gonna walk away . Yeah , it's a control thing too . Right like that .

I definitely have that Piece of me that wants it to be just so and you know I can look at that as A positive attribute or as something that I that creates suffering for me . Yeah , same coin mm-hmm . It does both Like it has things be really nice , but it also can jam me up a lot .

weaves through my life . If it's all Just so that looks good on the outside , right , it's the same thing with the Louis Vuitton and the BMW , it's , it is the same thread . So , in the grand scheme of things , does the lump in the drywall like how much does that matter ? Does the heat work ? Does the lights ?

You know things that you need to function properly ? You look at other cultures . There's a welcoming of imperfection , like there's I'm gonna say this , wrong probably , but I think it's a Japanese kind of thing but there's this idea of Wabi Sabi that's in art and I got introduced to it by my aunt .

She makes potter , she's a potter and ceramics and working with ceramics , and there's this idea of Wabi Sabi that there's always an Imperfection and that it's welcomed , that it's actually , you know , highlighted instead of tried to go away , which I love that , and so I've been embracing Wabi Sabi through this whole house .

But there is still a part of me , this like kind of very perfectionist part of me , that's like oh , you're just selling out , like you're just saying that cuz you don't , and I'm like I don't know . I mean , there are things that I'm like oh , things have meaning when we give them meaning .

So if I give the lump in the drywall the meaning of it being bad and no good , then it's bad and no good .

But if I give it meaning of like wow , that was an opportunity for me to let go and not worry about something and that's more important to me , yeah , perfection today in my life , then that can be a really cool like I can look at it and feel proud , like look at me , yeah dealing with the messed up walls .

This is progress , but maybe somebody else would come in the house and be like Jesus . Have you seen those walls ? Yeah , so it's navigating that like . Which is more important .

I mean you can't create a different react . I mean I guess you can , but this is your reality . You can run from it .

Right Like , yeah , recognize our stages when we're in them , until we look back and go , oh , wow , so my work on a daily basis . We said we weren't gonna talk about the yeah , right , but you know it's . It's coming back to the teachings , coming back to a hymza Can I be kind to myself through this ? Can I ? Can I be kind to others ?

I love that there's , you know , the teachings that I can lean into Don't have to do with you know , asana or me finding my way onto the mat ? Yeah , especially with plethora of injuries that I have .

I think , that I mean , I think that it's Real and honest to have these like conversations , because as a teacher and teaching Yamas and niyamas and just everything , and even with your clients , you know it's like as a client , as a student , you think , oh , she's just , she's always got it together , she understands it all , she knows it all , she's teaching it all

seems like her life is probably whatever and like everybody has their mumbo jumbo .

No caution flags are up yeah , turn the other way ? Yeah . So the traveling , the teaching , like it is when I feel most connected to the universe God , you know , whatever you want to call it . I feel home in my own skin . It's that idea of flow . Yeah , it just feels easy , it feels effortless .

When my ego kicks in , you know , then it becomes a little bit more effortful . Yeah , because then I'm worried about like , oh , did I get the right and the left right ? Or people liking this ? Oh , somebody just looked at me kind of sideways , is that ?

Does that mean they didn't like you know , like , yeah , I think those are really natural things that every teacher goes through at different times . I mean , the teachers that I respect the most still talk about that being a piece of their puzzle , and so that tells me that I'm not , like a total crazy person . I think it's part of the human experience .

It's what we do with that when it sneaks in . But Teaching was a really natural . I just I love it so much besides being a parent like teaching yoga or being able to work with clients , and there's so many incredible similarities Feel like the greatest honor of my life . There's still a piece of me that's like holy crap .

Like I get to witness truth and authenticity , which I value highly . I feel like more than most human beings get to experience that it just feels like the greatest honor in the whole entire world Because , like we said , we live in this society . That is like , oh , I don't really care how you're doing , do more .

We never had deep conversations or anything , but what she did and still does , is she listens and asks questions and like I remember being little , or even now , if you sit down and just start telling her these random stories from your day , she will listen to you and ask you questions and act like what you're saying is like the coolest thing she's ever heard in

her life . And maybe it just makes me think , like how often do we allow people to just talk to us and genuinely listen , even if we don't care ? And that's what people want , that they want somebody to listen to them .

hold up and project to the outside world , but can you see my truth and authenticity ? Yeah , yeah , it's pretty powerful . It's like to be seen and heard and it's incredibly powerful to see and hear somebody else .

I think a lot of the teachings and education that I have remind me of something that I already know , if that makes sense . I know it's kind of hokey , but I always knew that I wanted to go into counseling .

It was always what I wanted to do and I had people talk me out of it and I majored in many other things because people told me that I'd never be able to make a living and provide for myself being a counselor . And you know , I went in many different directions and then finally came back home to me and it just all felt right .

But like I truly believe that you landed here to help this community and to change people's lives , because I truly believe that any of your retreats you know the retreat that I went on any of the classes that I've been a part of , you know Hannah and I alone , you know you've literally changed our lives . I reference you all the time .

Your wisdom is so great and it's literally what you're supposed to do and it literally is like I've never met anyone like you that does it the way that you do it , so the fear of people won't be there or that people will forget it's , they can't . So I could leave you with that , but it's the true , it's so true . You know , it's really true .

And the thing is is people , I think , want to be teachers and they want to coach and help and all of these things , and I think that that's lovely , but I think that sometimes it's a gift that you can't deny , and I think that you're one of those people .

You know , after sitting down and having a connection with somebody , or you know any of those authentic moments , they really have the ability to be so profound in our lives . If I'm willing to slow down enough right and let the ripple happen , or do I just go get busy again and so then that's , you know , that's the question .

Am I willing to be still listen to the quiet whispers that I encourage everybody to listen to because they're there ?

How do I continue to step into that calling as life changes , as things unfold differently , I do have some really exciting things on the on the back burner , so there are things that like inspire me that I'm really excited about and there will be .

So feeling some hope return .