It is been a minute since I've had a guest on this podcast, and the woman I'll be introducing you to today is one of my favorite humans. We have known each other for five years now, but Monique Shields, she's an executive coach, founder of Seven Pines Leadership. She's also a podcast host of one of my favorite podcasts. To listen to ambition without compromise, which is committed to liberating the professional imaginations of women, CEOs, founders, and leaders.
As a coach, Monique leverages her own entrepreneurial and executive experience, plus nearly a decade of combined training and proactive mindset coaching, motivational interviewing, interpersonal dynamics, team building and communications to help her clients find higher forms of leadership and intention in their lives and in their business. And I need you to understand something about Monique. 'cause she got receipts on Receipts, honey.
Okay. She was formally on staff at Stanford Graduate School of Business as a facilitator for their Women in Management program. If you were in that program, you might already know her as well as the uc, Berkeley's House School of Business, a leadership coach for current MBAs and alumni executives.
So prior to launching her existing executive coaching company, seven Pines, she was the director of coaching and then the director of partnerships at joyable, a mental health technology startup in San Francisco, employee number seven. And in her management roles, she really built lead and scale a client facing team for a business that served nearly a half million users and manage relationships for the company's largest, most strategic global accounts.
Personally, Monique is a wife, a mom of two, and a fierce friend to amazing women. And I give you that context because one, she deserves her accolades, but two, she really understands the contextual nuance that many high achieving executive senior leaders, business owners, are facing at a very nuanced level. This conversation with Monique is a must listen.
If you've ever felt the tension between who you've been and who you are becoming, we unpack how motherhood, grief, and slowing down can actually deepen, not dilute your ambition and why resourcing yourself is not a luxury. It's a radical act of self-trust. If you're at an inflection point where your self-concept of shifting this episode offers the kind of grounded wisdom and real talk you didn't know you needed, it's not about doing more, but it's about becoming more of who you truly are.
And I cannot wait to just dive into the juiciness of this episode, so I'm not gonna make you wait any longer. Let's get into it. I'm so excited to be having this conversation publicly with you. 'cause we've had this conversation over the years privately building up to this moment. Monique, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for having me. I'm super thrilled to be on your podcast. The feeling is mutual.
I know that I just gave everybody a quick rundown of who you are and why you're here, but I wanna start off with how has motherhood shaped and evolved your definition of ambition and how does that correlate to the work that you do today? I, that's kind of actually where I want us to start the conversation. Okay. Um, it's funny, as soon as you asked me that question, I was like, oh, motherhood gave me ambition. I don't think I've ever had truer ambition than after I had my first child.
Like prior to that, I think most of my decisions in my career and in my life were driven from a place of like safety seeking and like, what should I be doing? You know, like just in my. In my twenties, um, especially I didn't, I was like, I don't know what I want. I'll, I'll just kind of figure out what I guess I should be doing. I'll test stuff. I don't think I tapped into true ambition until that baby arrived and literally a year later I left Everything, started my business.
'cause I was like, oh, I know what matters. I know what kind of life I'm about to live. I know how I'm about to spend my time. Like I know. So that whole like transition from like, I am not sure which way could it go, we'll try different things. It was like that voice was gone. So like the true voice of ambition that has driven me ever since then. Like I was like, oh, this is the only ambition I know like that, that I count. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I'm like mic drop.
I can leave the conversation right here because I think hearing you say that, and I know we've had these conversations offline, it's just like I, when I think about my own ambition mm-hmm. It's always been so, like, it's been very survival focused. Like, make this money, hit these markers. Like, and motherhood felt so far away. 'cause there was a part of me that felt like motherhood was not available until all of these other. I think ways in which I define success were hit first. Mm-hmm.
And for me to hear you say that you, your real ambition didn't come until after the baby came. I'm like, it gets bigger, better. It just gets, it just gets woo. Right. I don't know. Like it's, it, it gets truer, you know what I mean? Like there's a, there's a basis that feels very. Grounded. That feels real.
It's not, you know, like there's a lot of baseless decisions that we make, or just fear-based decisions or like, I don't know, I'm just like out here trying to, you know, FreeWheel it and try stuff, kinda decisions. And I don't think anything, there's anything wrong with experiencing those phases of our lives and professions. But, um, I do enjoy like knowing, like from whence my ambition comes, like, I, like I know what matters. I know what's gonna drive my decision making.
I know like what I'm after. I think hearing that what you just said of like, knowing where my ambition comes from Yeah. Is I think, um, a really important thing for us to take a moment and like pause and reflect on. Mm-hmm. Because even how does this show up? Because I know you work with a lot of high level senior leaders. VC founders, women who are out here managing massive budgets, large responsibilities.
Yeah. And when I hear you say that question of I want to know, I want to feel good in my body about what the source of my ambition is, like how does that show up? Like how are you noticing that showing up and even the work required around getting to the truthful answer of that? Yeah. Um, it's so, oh, this, these are such good questions, because like, that is, that is the work. So obviously we attract in our, in our businesses as coaches, we attract people who, they're on the same wavelength.
We're kind of on the same journey, um, together and. The woman who I think is ideal for the kind of work I want to do, she wants a, uh, a form of ambition and striving that feels like it's, it's built on something real like that. It feels like it's built on. Um, yeah, like the, the humanity that she knows exists, exists within her. And so, um.
That is the work is like oftentimes that is like the overarching unspoken question when somebody begins work with me is, which is kind of like, what is the point of it all again? Like what? Not just 'cause the question will will present itself as which way should I go? But the question beneath that is like, what is driving the decision for the destination? Like what is actually. Supporting that and so that's where the work is.
That's like I, this is such a beautiful way of even saying like, this is what I do. Yeah. I'm like, I don't, I the kind of just hearing you say this and that is the work. I'm like, it's bringing me back to a moment when I think self concept shattered, where it's like the thought of like, I want this to be built on something real. The moment when you discover that what you've been building this on really. There, it, it, there's a level of truth to it.
'cause it was truthful to the version of you that like was holding it. But I, I don't know. I like when you were saying all that, I'm like, how do you, what do you do? Or how do you navigate when you, that self-concept shatters, like maybe you realize it wasn't as true. It was a version of your self abandonment. It was a version of an unregulated nervous system. And when you start getting back into your body. You can't unsee it anymore, but like Exactly.
I'm like, how for somebody who's listening, and this is partly for me because I feel like I'm like, I'm not, I'm like post shatter and like figuring out and like in the process right now of like really what is most true for me. Yeah. But like what do you say to that person that maybe right now is at that inflection point where the glass is really starting to break? Mm-hmm.
And. Or that, that self concept of, of what I'm really building this on and what is the fuel that is really driving the direction to the destination like. They're really coming up like, like to head with it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's gonna be resistance every time we evolve into the next version, but I'm actually gonna switch your metaphor. Um, instead of, you know, breaking and, you know, because there are, there are things that feel like, oh my gosh, I'm breaking.
'cause it's like things are falling away. The things that. Seem to be, my reality actually are no longer there, so it feels like something has shattered. But I really love the metaphor of the Phoenix because it's like, no, something has burnt down. Something is now gone. It is leaving. And like I know you talk a lot about grief and like that that is what we're kind of grieving, but it's also like. How can I get to know the Phoenix that is rising and what ground she stands on?
How can I actually get quiet and spend time with her and listen to her body and her instincts and like, and that is the hardest thing to do when you're used to moving a million miles per hour looking for metrics to hit, looking for like you're, you're just. You're still kind of reaching back for old tools that you no longer need as a Phoenix that has risen. You know what I mean? And just embracing like, no, I'm not, I am, I'm not. There's nothing in me that is like incomplete. Mm-hmm.
It's like that cycle has completed. I'm in a new cycle. Yes, I'm always learning and growing and expanding, but. I'm whole as I am, and how can I just be with where I'm at now and listen to like the wisdom that does reside here? I know exactly what I need and want and like what matters right now is if I can create space for it, you know, create space to listen to it and to trust it. Yeah. When you said bringing up grief, I'm like, I think there was, and there it still is.
I'm like, I didn't realize how much of adulting and growing up, how much of it is like grieving an older version of ourself and having like grace and love for that version. And also like grieving, like when it's gone, like grieving, when it ha it has burned down and like, uh, you know, it's almost like this shedding and like this new. Thing comes out, you know, and mm-hmm. Um, it's an interesting dynamic.
I think as I'm continuing to get older, I'm like, oh, I think this is just going to be a normal cycle of life. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Versus like, this is the end all be all. Um, but I'm just imagining when, when I hear you say of like, okay, we need to slow down. Mm-hmm. And the resistance that comes with adjusting our pace. Um, I've always really admired about, since I've known you, you've always built your business at least outside, looking in at a pace that.
At your pace, not at the pace at which the industry feels like it's going or the pace at which many of us will like self-impose. And I feel like the slower you've moved, the more money you make. Like, wow, it is wild. But what do you like? I don't know. I would just love to hear your perspective of somebody that maybe is at the point of the burning or maybe coming out of the burning.
And it's at the point where it's like, I know I need to adjust my pace, but they're really in that moment of tension and really in that moment of resistance. And I mean, I can even think for me, before I slowed down, I mean I was terrified, like. It felt like a full body experience of like a visceral reaction of like, I can't. Mm-hmm.
Um, but just like, how do you help clients navigate that because it's being like not too far from the other side, but being on the other side, it's like, it is a fundamental requirement to adjust my pace, to make the time to start to integrate and like reconnect with myself in a way that I probably was very much disconnected from previously.
Yeah. So I think, you know, in that same sort of metaphor of like, okay, there's the thing's burning down on like, you know, maybe like the little beginnings, a little hatchling of a, of a phoenix is trying to rise. But you're like, in that, what I'm hearing is like somebody who's like really in that in-between like, I'm like trying to let the final inverse burn and like let this new version of me emerge.
I, that's the woman listening to this probably like I imagine Uhhuh he's hearing right now and it's like. I don't know who this Monique woman is, but we are, I'm in it like, yeah. I think a lot of us have the awareness where we're at the point now where we are questioning. Mm-hmm. And curious about like, maybe this needs to be different. Mm-hmm. But there's like the, how do I do myself through this versus like, who do I need to become to get through this? Like who's at that inflection point?
Yes. Um, so this cannot be like your next achievement. I think like that the. This cannot be your next achievement. Yeah. Mm. And that in and of itself, that contains the essence of, of a doing approach versus a being. Can I allow, like I've been studying a little bit more around like feminine energy and masculine energy and what's healthy feminine versus, you know, unhealthy in both, you know, um, for both, uh, energy types. And the more that we can relax into. A deserving space.
A space where we assume that what we need can come that we are attracting what we need and that the track that is running in the back of our mind of, you know, because there's always that little inner achiever, she's always gonna pop up and try to tell you like, no, we need, we need to push hard. We got to get it. You know, again, like, where's my check boxes? Like, she's going to pop up. She never disappears. I don't believe that part of ourselves ever disappears.
But you can give space to this. Other side of yourself that is trying to grow and trust that it will become stronger than her. Mm. Okay. So I think it's just a recognition of like there's this duality that starts to exist. Like you said, you can't unsee it once you see it, but trust that that new version of you is what's seeing it.
So that means that some new possibility has become available and that there's a new version that you have to, you have to give her some, you gotta give her some chance. You know, you gotta give her some space to work. Let her cook. You know? And these are like small experiments. I often talk to my clients around like, okay, on, you know, a scale of one to 10, you know, what is like. 10 is like, this is going to explode my brain. Versus a one like this doesn't bother me at all.
This causes no anxiety. Like, where can you find a three or a four to start with, you know, a small, um, a small exercise, like small example. And it can be the, it's usually like the tiniest things in our closest relationships where we can begin to experiment with these things. We'll, like, think that. Okay. A lot of my identity has been built around this business, and I'm trying to build a business now that, you know, rev, uh, revolves around, around a more paced version of, of myself.
One that like listens to what my body actually needs and my nervous system is, you know, is also supported and, and, um, and loved on by my business. But it's like that, that can feel really big. It's like how are you operating with your homegirl? How are you operating with your spouse or, or your, your partner like. Can you, can you make little, can you make little opportunities to like test out a new pace in those small little moments with those people first and then you build confidence.
It's a skill like anything else. And you, you create small tests for yourself. I love the reframe of that, 'cause that feels like attainable. Versus like, I need to overhaul everything. I think that's what I notice, even with clients where they reach these inflection points. Yes, there's a burning and they wanna burn it all down. They're like, they're like, oh, we need to like light everything on fire. Everything needs to go down. And usually it is those small tweaks that.
It still can take time to see the external evidence. Mm-hmm. But like, it's usually the small tweaks. It's what's required, not a massive burn down. And, um, I love what you're saying about like, where can I start to test maybe in, in safe spaces? Yeah. Versus feeling like I need to overhaul, like, change my entire career or burn my entire business down, or like. Make these massive shifts. Mm-hmm.
Um, also in the somatic stuff, my somatic therapist was like, you know, sometimes we will go to the biggest extent possible versus like, where are these small moments of titration mm-hmm. That you can really play in? And that's kind of what I'm hearing you say of like, these small tests. Yeah. Um, like what are examples of what these small tests could look like? Yeah. Okay. So for example, um, let's say that.
Because it depends on what it is that you're trying to build more trust in or belief in. Right. Um, in bigger ways. Mm. So say it's like, mm, I cannot, which is a big one. Like, I can't take a break. I can't take a sabbatical. I know a lot of people have loved listening to your story because you figured out a way to let let yourself do that. Right? Um, but it starts out with small gestures. And sometimes people will think like, okay, well I'll, I'll start by taking a week off.
But it's honestly not about just the time that you take off for an experiment like that. It's like, can I. Exist with myself in a small, tiny moment. Mm. And then can I actually study? Like how did that go for me? Like what came up for me? How did I survive it? What was hard about it? But in either way, you get through it and you realize, okay, I, I can be different, I can be slow, and I can be okay. Yeah. So I mean, it's like little tiny stuff.
Sometimes it's like not the most exciting or sexy thing to do, but it is the most impactful and effective, right. Um, oftentimes it's also like, you know, my clients are. Oftentimes like trying to really please others and over promise. And so it's like, okay, well how can I, again, experiment in these safer, closer relationships and um, practice under promising practice. You know, saying like, I can only come for 30 minutes.
You know, because all of that flows through to, you know, I am definitely gonna do this massive launch at this time when my body is like about to burst, but I'm gonna do it anyway. It's like, practice these little tiny moments first, you know. I love that. Like, and I think, um, it's so true. Like I think even me building up to taking a sabbatical started with me taking like every other Friday off. Mm-hmm.
And then if there was a fifth week in the month, I would try not to have any calls scheduled on that fifth week. So that was like a breather, a breathing room. Mm-hmm. And like, it was like these small, tiny experiments that led to a moment where I was able to take an extended period of time off. But those small experiments happened over like three to four years. Mm-hmm.
Before I felt comfortable or safe or the business was in a position where like an extended break felt available and was available. Um, I just love that. And I the, there was also something that you said that I wanna make sure we pull out is like, where do you feel like you need to trust yourself more? Mm-hmm. That felt like a very important question of like self-reflection of like, where do I need to trust myself more? Mm-hmm.
And I imagine if you're listening to this, there's probably something that almost immediately comes to mind. Um, and even if it doesn't, like sitting with that question, I feel like can start this journey of like, maybe where to start testing in correlation to where do I wanna be able to trust myself more?
And I, I also really want to contextualize this in because I know a part of also what sped some of the cycles for you, and I know how this works for me and in the work I do with my clients, are the relationships you exist in and the environment that you place yourself in. Yeah. 'cause that's what's going to also help build your belief like these, these models of possibility. Like we, we try to do everything solo dolo in our lives and in our work.
And that's a big part of what also slows your process to the transformation that you know is kind of calling to you. But, um, yeah, like, hold on, Monique. She said if y'all out here doing a solo dolo, that slows the process down. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is why I keep a coach. This is why, because I could stay stuck on something for months and months and months.
But if I have the, have the right environment, the right relationship, the right expertise, you know, available to me, I can move that through that bad boy in, in a day or in hours, you know, something that might have taken me weeks or months, so. The same holds true for anything that we're trying to like grow and develop and, and it's not just like the tips, tricks, and tools that somebody can teach you.
You can take a course, you can talk to chat GPT, but it's, it's the essence of that person you getting to like see how this person is moving and that they are. Safe. You get to witness it and actually like take that, it like that has an impact on your psyche and your nervous system. It's like, oh, I can actually build some belief just being in this person's presence. Mm-hmm. And being able to witness them and hearing some of the behind the scenes like that means everything.
That means everything to our development and our, our ability to evolve and not feeling, getting caught up in like, getting stuck for long periods of time. Yeah. That is so good. Like, and that's something I've really admired about. Learning from you and what I've witnessed you is just like how well resourced I've always seen you being and how like that is really it.
Again, outside looking in that, that's like just a standard of like how you move through the world is like, I, why would I go through this world unresourced? Like why would I go through this world without being well equipped and like being well resourced and it's really reframed. How I look at myself. 'cause I think before very much that solo dolo. Mm-hmm. Because of circumstances, because of my environment, because of my, you know, conditioning. Like, that's very much where I felt safe.
Yeah. But when I really started to think about Isha, the, the bigger things, like the dreams that you say that you want, that you're honestly not allowing yourself to even play in. It's because those dreams cannot come to fruition.
Doing it solo dolo like, and also why, like, I think when, uh, again, watching you, and I love how you talk about this on your podcast and just like, pretty much in general, like if you come across Monique, you gonna come across, you're gonna be blown away by like how she resources herself and how much permission it gives you to do the same. But it's just like, I think it's a version of self love and it's like if I love myself, oh yes, I do. I not love myself enough to not wanna be resourced.
Like I think when I started doing a lot of this work and slowing down and adjusting my pace and getting back in my body, it's like it's an act of self love to allow myself to receive and be resourced. So like I, why would I wanna do it any other way? Well, and I'll answer that question, right? Why would we wanna do it any other way? Certainly. There are huge societal pressures and systemic issues and things that drive, but what they are driving is our self concept.
What they're driving is our self identity. And if you are holding a self-concept of someone who is like, um, I'm needless, I have since I was a little girl, you know, I've been placed in maybe better schools or, you know, um, the special programs are sent off on the bus to go here and there in getting this. Access and exposure to things. But when I come back home, nobody can help me do what it is that I really need to do. So I've learned a certain kind of self-reliance.
And so there's a version of you that has been like built up to be like, I need to operate solo dollar because I believe no one can help me. No one can truly help me. The help is not available. Right? So. If that is, that is what is like at the foundation of how you conceive of yourself, that version of you. It's like the, the math doesn't math. It's like, well, if you only need you, then why would I give you more? Yeah. Why would I resource myself if myself don't need nothing? Don't need nobody.
You know? So this, that self-concept work. Ooh. Everything. Everything. I'm like, you literally just summed up the last six of my therapy sessions. Like no joke. Like if I had to, like if I had to define a chapter of what therapy's been like for me the past four months mm-hmm. Is that it's safe for me to have needs. Yeah. And 'cause of how often you go through this world. Exactly to what you said. You know, especially growing up, I was the, the kid in the house that like had it figured out.
Mm-hmm. Or like, oh, she's good. She's, you know, responsible, she's taking care of herself. She doesn't need anything from us. So like, nobody checked in on me. Mm-hmm. Nobody's asking me how my grades were, how school went, or just it was just. We know she's good. So like nobody checked in. It's like, I think it's like, make sure you check in on your strong friends. Right, right. Most people aren't.
And that has been, and I love what you talked about with the testing 'cause it's like I need, I've had to start practicing. Even just like making small requests within my friendship circles. Mm-hmm. Um, or even preparing for a wedding right now. I'm like, oh. It is the biggest test of allowing yourself to have needs because it's like all about you and your spouse, like asking people to show up.
Yeah. Asking people to be in your bridal party, like asking people to come in addition to a, a bachelorette and a mm-hmm. It's like, it's so, and, and I didn't realize how activating it was because it's like, these are all opportunities where. It is, you know, quote unquote based off of whatever, like I'm supposed to be asking these people and allowing them to show up and just celebrate with me. And, um, yeah, like feeling safe, having needs. Mm. Um, yeah, that's, that's an all day topic.
Therapy I'm in. That's a all day topic. All day. Yeah. Honestly, honestly. Yeah. I feel like, I know we started this with motherhood because I know, I mean. A lot of this work that I'm doing and a lot of what's been coming up for me is like, okay, I'm like, jet, you're like almost Heller. Heller helicopter parenting yourself too hard. Okay. That's funny. As it relates to like how you're preparing for motherhood, because I think there is a part of me that's just like.
That seems becoming a mom just seems like one of the most vulnerable and transformative things that you will ever do. 'cause it's like, I don't have control of like, Hey, grow an arm now. Hey, get that pinky toe in. Like, your body just does it. It's like, to me it's, it's such an extreme and like the ultimate version of self-trust. Yeah. Because it's just like, it's, it's a divine experience. Yeah. It's a supreme surrendering, uh, supreme surrendering.
Yeah. Like. And when I think about a lot of what we're talking about with like self-trust and being resource and allowing ourself to have needs, I can only just imagine from the conversations I've had with other moms and other clients who was like I, they're juggling all of that in addition to now trying to figure out like where and how to hold space for self in the midst of all these other roles and identities that they play. Like, how do you notice that come up?
You know, just like, I don't know, like what, what kind of, how do you notice that come up and how do you help clients navigate that when it's like, I'm doing all this self work now and it's me and a partner. Yeah. Like, you know, and I, and I've been really intentional with myself in this season of, like, Jay, there's a difference between being a girl and I. Who has a boyfriend and being a girlfriend. Mm-hmm.
There's a difference between being a woman and like a woman who was married versus just being a wife. Like, I'm trying to, how do I maintain my sense of self mm-hmm. Amongst all these other identities that I hold child. Ain't that the set of questions? So, so it's. This is the eternal question that like, you know, e especially again, if you're, you're already high achieving, you have ambitions, you have dreams, there's things you want to do in life, things that you want to experience.
It's like, I don't wanna lose myself to motherhood. I don't want to lose the relationship I've been building with myself, the space that I've created for myself. Like, how am I gonna do this with this tiny human, depending on me? Um. For so much, and I wish I had a clean, sweet answer for you, but the, the, the. The most succinct way that I can answer that based off of my experience and the work that I've done working with so many other moms. Moms of color in particular, right?
Yeah. 'cause we have different layers of pressure and we can go onto that dad in a minute because that is okay. We can get into it. The different layers of privilege and how, like what your circumstances, environment, resources are. I imagine like it plays such a huge factor in all of this child. Huge. And yeah, it's, yeah. So we'll go there. Um, but my truth has been. That I've never lost. Um, I've never lost the inclination or the urge to continue to fight for me.
Hmm. If you, if you just trust, I will continue to fight for me, and I think some of the things that have really helped me together, and I'm, I'm assuming that these are probably going to also be really supportive to you, is the fact that I did self invests prior to having a child. Like I had a therapist for years, so I got in touch with my, with little Monique. You know, I've had conversations with her.
I, I have tools and ways of being with her, so I didn't have to try to make that up and figure all that out once a kid gets here. Not to say that that's impossible, but that wasn't the experience I had and I could imagine that that would make things even more challenging 'cause you don't have a thing to kind of come back into or tools that already exist. Yeah. Um, to engage in that fight. So it's like.
You can't preschedule and preplan and pre calendar like, and this is how I will have the space for myself as a mother. It's like you're rolling with it. It's the same way. I mean, it's a different type of thing and it's a slightly different level, but like the same way that as an entrepreneur, it's like this is the greatest form of therapy you'll ever experience, you know, publicly. Motherhood is very similar. Like you're gonna discover parts of yourself that you did not know were there.
I don't care how much therapy you've had, how self-reflective and self-aware you are, like it's just, it brings new stuff out of you, just like entrepreneurship and other big experiences of your life do. So I think trusting that you will maintain the fight. And that you have resourced yourself with the relationships, you know, that you, the people that you place around you are incredibly important.
You'll I will, I will, I will def, I can definitely say in the first, um, year of being a mom, other moms, most other moms out here, like, we just want to hold each other down because there's this great awakening that happens of like, oh, this is what it is. And so the, the outpouring of support, it doesn't take much to find it, is what I guess I'm saying. Mm. It's like. Everybody is just ready to hold each other down.
You kind of enter into this new like sorority of, of especially early motherhood. Um, I. It's available to you, but I, I'm never gonna say like, and it's easy. You just map it out and then you're good. No, that's not the thing. But you get to trust yourself that you will fight for you and maintain that as your core. And then you start to build the same things you do in your sy in your, in your, uh, business.
You build systems and processes and things like that to support you coming back into yourself and creating more and more space for yourself. Yeah, I just love that. Like, it's just what are this never ended journey of just like, what are the new tools that I might need for whatever it is that I'm coming up against, and how am I resourcing myself in my relationships? Yeah. And I know that you have a podcast episode coming out very soon about this.
Um, and, and there's, you've had an, you've had, now this would be your second one about just like how you have been well resourced. Yeah. Are there certain things that. You notice kind of across the board of like, when people hear this like, oh, I need to be resourced. When I really heard you start to break down what you meant by resource, it expanded my definition of what, what resourced meant. Mm-hmm. And are there certain things both like at home.
And just like in your family dynamic and motherhood dynamics, I think this is something too, like how I've been preparing my tools. Mm-hmm. Over the years I've been like talking to different moms and it's like, how do you run your household? Like how do you resource yourself? What are these conversations or these things that you're investing in that like create relief, um, and then even you as. You know, an entrepreneur as a business owner, as a leader, as a speaker, as a facilitator.
Like if you had to like maybe come or share just a handful of ways in which you've been resourced or ways in which really makes a huge difference for your clients and how they resource themselves, like what are some specific examples of that? Yeah. And I'm actually, this is so, uh, interesting too because I'm developing a small masterclass about this particular topic because it is, it's this thing that's up for all of us and we're like looking for guidance.
We're looking for inspiration, looking for permission, um, to give these things to ourselves. And I'm like, I'm gonna share what I know. Um, so that is something that's coming. It'll be on monique r shields.com in the coming weeks anyway. So if I were to pick a couple of things that I feel like have made. It's so interesting thinking about this, that it made the real difference, it made a different stages of motherhood might also be potentially beneficial here. That is true.
Early motherhood is its own beast. It is its own experience. It's like those first two years is its own little thing. Um, but um. The, the things that have mattered most are the relationships. Like, so, so I, and I have pushed myself to move past the like social narratives that moms don't deserve to have any time to themselves and blah, blah, blah. But realizing, and my husband also realizing that like, you need to spend the night somewhere else.
And the first few weeks after, not the first few weeks, maybe like as soon as I could get away. Long enough to like pump some milk. And it depends on whatever your, you know, breastfeeding formula, whatever your journey is. But when you, there is an opportunity to sleep somewhere else, even if it's just for one night. One of my best friends lives like, like eight minutes up the street.
So speaking of relationships and I. A part of her home, she has like what's called like a little casita, so it's, you can, you can think of it as like, it is just like an addendum, like a little mini apartment that's attached to her house, but it's completely separate. And I was like, girl. And she was like, she's a mom as well. She's like, I got you.
I got there, she had laid out like little tea and like little chocolates and I ordered like some food that I wanted and I just sat there and I ate past and I passed out and there was no baby crying in the middle of the night. And yeah, my spouse handled that. And I pumped my milk and then I carted it home and I was home the next morning, probably like 6:00 AM 'cause I hardly sleep anyway in those early days. But little things like that, it's really about the relationships you have.
Again, the commitment to fighting for yourself and really that pushback against the narrative that tell you that that's something wrong or shameful or selfish about listening to your body and listening to this. Like, I felt so refreshed coming back. From doing that, you know, and I did it multiple times in those, in those early years, the early, um, especially those early months. I did it a few times. Um, and it makes me, it made me a better person and mom.
Um, so if we're talking about early motherhood. Finding ways to give yourself space. Again, that wasn't expensive. I didn't have to go to a fancy hotel or anything like that. I mean, if your friend has a guest room, like, can I just come sleep in a, in a quiet space? I think that's even, I wanna pause there. 'cause I, me and my girlfriend, we have, this has been a running, I don't wanna call even a joke anymore. She's like, Deisha, every time you come in town, you always get a hotel.
Why do you never stay at our house? Mm-hmm. Well, let's ask that. Let's answer that question, Isha. Why would you ever wanna stay at a friend's house when you're in town? It is. I mean, it is like going back to like I'm allowed to, I'm, it's safe for me to allow other people to show up for me, even in a way. To me that's so simple. Like for her, if anybody needed to come save my house, I will treat my home like I am a boutique hotel for you. Like I will anticipate all of your needs.
I will ask you what your favorite snacks are. I will put out everything for you. Like mm-hmm. I will do all the things, but like receiving that in reciprocity is. A big it, it feels very big in my nervous system to do that. Mm-hmm. Um, and I think too, just like growing up, like, you know, I was raised by my grandma, like, you ain't sleeping at nobody else's house. Like you ain't Yeah. Going over nobody else's house. So like.
We, like, I just didn't grow up in an environment where that was like one, even like a normal pattern. Like Yeah. And nobody had an extra room for, right. Anybody to sleep in, like, yeah. So, you know, if we were to go over anybody's house, of course we, we would always come back home. But I think my grandma was just old school. Like, she just, and I don't know what she's seen or experienced growing up.
Like, she was just like, she would never allow, she would barely allow me to go over a friend's house. Yeah. Let alone stay the night. Yeah, and I think just as an adult, it just, I think it think like, I just don't wanna be an inconvenience. Mm. I'm afraid of being a burden and being an inconvenience is probably the real answer. Um, that's all my own thoughts though. I know that that is not true.
'cause like this particular friend, it's been, I don't know, six years now and she's like, when you gonna pop up? I said, I will never just pop up. Like, you don't live down the street, you live outta state. Like, I think that would be wild for me just to like fly in and knock at your door. She would love that. Yeah. Me absolute. That's like I, that is too far of a stretch.
Like the, but I do think for, I just, I saw somebody do a reel about this and it went super viral, but I really resonated with it because it's like, I, I don't know, like asking somebody else to let me stay at their house. Mm-hmm. And to not feel like it's a burden or an inconvenience is like part of my own work right now. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, do you wanna talk about it for a quick second of, I mean, yeah. Always.
Okay. Well, because this is all, this is all connected to everything we're talking about, right? Yeah. 'cause this is, this is like quintessential my clientele and I, I, I've gotten some of these feelings too, d different scenarios, but where it's like you don't want to be the needy, burdensome, whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah. Um, but play the scenario forward. So let's say you go. You're a burden. What is actually happening? What is functionally like taking place that makes you burdensome?
Are you gonna create a big mess in their house? You loud? I would never, like what is it that you think would be a burden on them? I. I mean, honestly, this just goes back to like childhood stuff. It's just like, yeah, but don't go back. Don't intellectualize it. Don't intellectualize. Just go to, you're at your friend's house. Mm-hmm. And you're a burden. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. They think, oh, you, I don't know. You are upstairs and, oh, here, Isha up there. Well, she would get outta here. Like what?
What is it that might be driving that for them? Even if it's not rational? I don't even have an answer. 'cause I feel like I would do everything I could not to be an inconvenience. You'd be placing everything back exactly the way you found it. I would strip sheets. You would leave better than you found it. I'll, I'd probably bring some snacks. I'd probably order like I would want to help in whatever way. Like you're a hundred percent right, like there, I don't.
I can't imagine a world where I would like all allow, that might be an exercise, like go to somebody's house and do my version of being an inconvenience. Because I think even my version of inconvenience is still is not inconvenience in anybody. No. You're gonna show up and be a gift is what I just heard. Hmm. And that's your natural way. Yeah. We don't have actual evidence for it. We just have old stories. Right? Yes. And these old feelings that run deep.
I, I think that we don't have actual evidence, we just have old stories and like, yeah. What I'm kind of hearing you say is like, don't allow the old stories to be driving today's actions. There it is, and it's easy to know these things, but to live it out, that's why you create the experiment. So you commit, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go do this. Okay. I guess I'm gonna say it. I'm not even asking him to go to my friend's house. She's begging me to come. Let me go be a gift.
Okay. That's my homework assignment I'm going to stay at. That's what I'm talking about. Report back. My gosh. I'm like, so I hear a rhythm of relief. Early stages is you need to go sleep somewhere else because sleep is all that matters in those early stages. It's like you just, you're not in your right mind. So you prioritize what the priority is.
Yeah. Yeah. And what about like kind of maybe your current day, like you have two kiddos at home, you have a beautiful business that is just blossoming and blooming. Um, like what does resourcing yourself today look like? So that little exercise we just walked through with you about visiting a friend and feeling like a burden or whatever, right. I have my own version of that, especially with my first kiddo. Um, I have.
I'm very blessed to have grandparent help, um, like to the, to the tune of grandparent that comes and she's amazing. Stays with us for months and months and months on end. Loves to like, she's like the dishes are be done every night. She loves to like watch and feed her grand, feeding her grandbaby baby. She lives for, she has a travel, uh, travel passion. So she disappears for her trips and she comes back and she gets her grand babies, right? So we've had this really beautiful, um, support.
As a part of our household, I had my daughter and I felt so, like I would punish myself mentally for not being her everything. So my, my mother-in-law would be like, go, go. And I'm like, no, I like that is not what good mothers do. Like I'm not, you know what I mean?
And so I had to, I had to have some time being a mom to then examine some evidence of what it looks like and how I show up as a mother to then convince myself that there's nothing, you know, uh, half-ass about the way that I show up for my child and like what my child's needs are. And actually I'm not showing up for her needs. I'm showing up for my anxiety. You know, I'm projecting stuff onto this little baby. And it's like, this baby needs to be fed and cuddled and somebody change his diapers.
I, I cannot for, for 24 hours. I, I don't have to be that person. Also, this baby would love to have a relationship with their loving grandparent. Yeah. Right. That's the truth. That's the evidence. So that mental permission is what I continue to give myself today for things like. I don't have to be the one that, for instance, I hired a home organizer.
I, I definitely felt like, you know, I need to be the one taking care of all this stuff and making sure that, you know, the system's in the, in the house. My husband's actually a very neat and organized person, but like, I'm almost the one who purchases most of the things, so I'm like, I don't organize it. I, and it's like I don't have to be the one to do this. Also, again, what is my highest priority in this season?
Like always optimizing for it and then assessing like what is it that I'm believing that is preventing me from living out my priorities? Okay, how can I resource myself against that? That is good and I, so I'm just in a rhythm now. Like it's nothing for me just to like, you know, the book Who, not how I'm always looking for, who's always, yeah. This is so good. I'm like, I don't even know where to wrap this up. I'm like, I'm just ready to re rewind and listen to it again.
Um, I'm okay when we really think about this because a lot of this is talking about this perception of what we have versus the evidence that actually exists, or old stories that are driving today's narrative. Yeah. Um. I'm like, what? I don't know. Is there anything else that you just feel like needs to be said that we have not said or a le a lasting remark for as a helpful reminder?
I think that, you know, I, I think that the undercurrent of our conversation really is speaking to the heart of an achiever, right? And it's like. Recognizing where you're trying to create opportunities for achievement, where it's like, it's just not, it doesn't serve you. I think most of the time achievement is externally driven. It is based off of like rules that somebody has set somewhere else and they're often arbitrary. And so it's about like coming back into. What is true for me?
What actually matters for me in every aspect of life? And how can I create rules, um, that I can expand into, that I can meet like, and not turn this into another thing that I need to achieve For some like random, again, arbitrary purpose. Nobody is watching. Nobody is grading me. Not truly everybody is busy being anxious about their own lives. So how can we release that?
And, and trust that we can find our own rhythms and, and again, do it with community, doing it with support, um, aligned support, people that truly do care about you. But, um, this is like in every aspect of life work. This is what I believe. So turn off that inner achiever as much as possible. Man. I'm like the, I don't know, the culmination here is just like shifting from the achievement to the allowance.
Yeah. And where do you need to allow things to happen a little bit more versus like you're saying. This striving for achievement and checking the box and like, and the control you'll never have. Yeah. Yeah. Whew. Y'all. If, if this episode don't make you want more, Monique, I, I, I don't, I don't know what's going on. If you have not yet subscribed to her podcast, ambition without Compromise. If you enjoyed this conversation, get ran deep.
Every episode is such a intentional moment to pause and be present and she just, I love the way that you. Dive and divulge into conversation. Um, but what else do we need to know that you have coming up so that we can make sure to link it in the show notes? Um, and just so people are aware, 'cause I imagine somebody listening to this is like, I need more Monique in my life. And I'm like, yes, you do. Thank you. I would love it if you all listen to my podcast.
I'm Monique r Shields on all of the social platforms, primarily just. Instagram, let's be real. That's where I'm primarily at, but you know, you can find me on LinkedIn a little bit too. Um, and in terms of what I have coming up, you know, the thing that I'm most passionate about this year is gathering black women, gathering powerful black women in intimate spaces.
And so, um, if you follow along and, or you go to my website and you sign up for my newsletter, again, it's everything is Monique CarShield. So monique carshield.com. Um, you can learn more about anything that I'm building to that effect, but that's, that's where my head is at. That's where my heart is at, and that's what we're doing this year. Alright. Thank you so much for doing that here today with us and yeah, we will see y'all in the next episode.