Pursuit of Happiness: What It Really Means

The band played in the background as I ate goldfish crackers , while my friend's 7-year-old son and his friend devoured spoonfuls of very unnaturally bright ice cream . My friend chose Cookie Monster flavor , which colors her entire mouth bright blue . Then the first crack of lightning lit up the gray sky .

We'd stayed put through the thunder , hoping that the storm would pass so that we could stay for the fireworks . But as the lightning continues and the rain begins , we , along with hundreds of others , start folding up the lawn chairs . Save yourselves , boys . My friend says I'm too old .

Earlier in the day she dropped off a carload of beach gear and then we all shuttled in . She now figures it will be fastest to run back alone through the storm to retrieve the car and come back for us . Her son tears up as he watches her disappear into the rainy chaos .

Shirtless and wearing my friend's wide-brimmed beach hat , he looks like a panicked , curious George . Hey guys , we have this , his friend says , dragging a deflated orange-black raft over to us . Great idea , I say , and I hoist the raft above our heads . It flops down around us like a damp cave and we huddle close together .

My friend's son's nerves turn into excitement . He bops in and out of our rubber tent shrieking with delight , and the three of us agree that we are a team and if we go down we'll go down together . And my friend's son says an Our Father prayer for the benefit of us all . As we play around , I think about how innocent these boys are .

I feel grateful that they are not experiencing real emergencies , real trauma happening on the other side of the world , and I'm grateful to be here right now with them , since we're there for the 4th of July .

I'm also thinking about that famous line from the Declaration of Independence that we are endowed with certain unalienable rights life , liberty and the pursuit of happiness . The founders of the United States didn't mean happiness the way we often think of it now chasing pleasure , possessions or constant joy . They were talking about a more ancient concept of happiness .

They were influenced by the Stoics and classical philosophers like Cicero , and they saw happiness not as a feeling but as a function of your character , developing moral excellence , contributing to the greater good and striving to be your highest self , and many of them admittedly

failed to live up to their ideals , above all by keeping slaves to maintain their lifestyle . But the vision they offered , that still matters . Long-term happiness , flourishing , that doesn't come from indulgence , it comes from living with integrity , and the founders wanted that .

They had a vision of creating an ethical society , and this is why I consider myself a patriotic person , not because I think the United States is perfect , but because I believe in its founding principles and I believe in a better future . One way to get there and to live that deeper definition of happiness is to practice gratitude .

Research by psychologist Robert Emmons and he is also the author of Gratitude Works he found that consistently journaling about why you're thankful can increase feelings of happiness by 25% . You're training your brain to look for the good . You're turning away from why me ? Victim mode and becoming more mindful .

You're bringing mindful awareness to the goodness in your life . The biggest obstacle to feeling grateful , says Emmons and he is the leading scientific expert on the subject is entitlement . So , to quote Emmons , the entitlement attitude says life owes me something , or people owe me something ,

or I deserve this . In all its manifestations , a preoccupation with the self can cause us to forget our benefits and our benefactors , or to feel that we are owed things from others and therefore have no reason to feel thankful . End quote . The antidote , he says , is humility .

And to quote him again , becoming aware of realities greater than ourselves shields us from the illusion of being self-made , being here on this planet by right , expecting everything and owing nothing . The humble person says that life is a gift to be grateful for , not a right to be claimed . End quote .

Emmons talks about the importance of taking things as granted , as gifts , rather than to take things for granted and this echoes a line from Marcus Aurelius's meditations , quote look at what you have , the things you value most , and think of how much you'd crave them if you didn't have them . In other words , as a remedy to taking things for granted .

Remedy to taking things for granted , practice wanting what you already have . So what is a gratitude practice ? Where do we start ? One of my clients told me he tried gratitude journaling but gave up . He said you can only be thankful for sunny days . So many times he had been going through the motions listing the same common things without truly paying attention .

But real gratitude is specific . It's about noticing what and who brings you joy growth , connection . In his book Flourish , martin Seligman tells us to go a step further and to write about what you are grateful for and why it happened . For example , I passed my certification because I

studied every day for an hour for one month . So you're not just celebrating the outcome that you passed your certification , you're honoring the virtues that helped get you there Love of learning , perseverance , zest . Here is a simple gratitude practice that you can try Every evening .

Write down one thing that you're grateful for , and if you're stuck , you can use a prompt who , what , where or when so you can ask yourself questions like who did I get to connect with today ? What did I experience or learn ? Where did I spend my time ? Did I visit a favorite place ? Did I try something new ? When did I have the most energy ?

And if you want to take it a step farther , you can add why did this matter to me and how can I create more of this ? And remember to savor the small moments petting a stranger's puppy on your morning walk , a client telling you how much your work has helped them , dipping your feet in the ocean on a hot summer evening .

Emmons and other gratitude experts talk about how important it is to savor the little things which add up to a very rich and meaningful life , and this transforms how we experience the world and how other people experience us . Back at the beach , my friend messages us to leave the gear behind and walk to meet her . We can retrieve it later .

I grab two cooler bags and tell the boys to grab something , and then we trudge down the street in the rain like a family of immigrants heading to a new land with only the essentials . Well , that was a bust . One of the boys says Was it really , I ask , until it started raining , weren't we all having fun ?

The boys both nod and we agree that we had a great time . My friend picks us up and we take turns sharing what we're grateful for about this evening . The rain was my favorite part . Her son says what had started out as the worst part of the night ended up being the best . True , we'd started out with a goal , a pursuit , if

you will , of seeing fireworks , but life had other plans and sometimes those plans turn out better .

It reminds me of something Marcus wrote in the Meditations , and both of today's quotes are from the Gregory Hayes translation Quote what is unique to the good man To welcome with affection what is sent by fate , not to stain or disturb the spirit within him with a mess of false beliefs , instead to preserve it faithfully .

This life lived with simplicity , humility , cheerfulness . End quote . The pursuit of happiness isn't something we buy , or something external that we chase . It's something internal that we can practice anywhere , including sheltering beneath a raft as the rain comes down . Happiness is not a high , it's a habit . It's not just a feeling , it's a way of life .