Nacho for President Episode 12

You are listening to I Didn't Masturbate at Work with Nacho Advan and Ellie Thompson. Hello. Hello, how are you? Most amazing best friend ever. I know. It's been like a hot minute. I am so fucking happy to see your face because we have not talked in like weeks. I mean, like, probably close to a month.

Ah, it's been a minute. It's I mean the holidays I I mean Yeah, we took kind of like a brief slash longest. Longish. I'm sorry, we we did? You did. I did. Somebody had to like schedule her mental break. That's a thing. But it was the Bailey's unplanned. I got sick and I was off of work for like four days. Um

I know. I was so worried about it. And I had the time, but I was just so worried because I was like, oh my God, like I was just hired at this job not that long ago. Like, even though I have time. But I was so fucking sick and I had a COVID test, I had a strep test, I had a flu test. All of them came back negative. Did you get a pregnancy test?

HIV test I don't think I need it. TD test. I'm just saying, if we're taking tests. Well, I the the lady asked me, she was like, How many of these do you want to take? And I was like, take them all. I need to And so you know the COVID nose. The flu test goes even farther. I I don't know that I've ever even had a flu test. I didn't even know there was a test for the flu. I knew there was a test for the flu and I've been covet

flu test, they touched my brain for sure. And then the strep test, they just get in the back of your throat, which like hits your gag reflex. And then you're like about to vi But I'm I mean, I'm like still somewhat sick and I think I was sick about a week or Yeah. You're out like infecting the entire world with God knows what you have. Well O O'Brien whatever, what's it called? Omicron? Om the O'Brien. What's it called? Om Omicron, I think. Orion's belt up on. The COVID nineteen Orion's belt.

Well, so here's the thing. It's it went to my ear. So the doctor at like the urgent Then it moved to my fucking ear and was like giving me an ear infection. It went to your ear. It went to my ear. Okay. Not not like the not the the sickness that Went into my ear and it was like blocking everything. And my ear hurt really bad, so it was giving me an ear infection. So I hadn't

And I didn't want to take it then because they always give me penicillin for that. And I'm actually like it makes me vomit. So then they have to give me something else to. They didn't like that answer. So I just didn't take it. So I had that and I started taking it'cause it had it had caused me. So um, but then my husband he got sick and he went to the same urgent care, and they they're like, it's probably a virus, but they gave him an

Okay, and the same thing has happened to me. Well, but antibiotics don't work for viruses. So I'm like, why did they give you that and not me? So by the time we went back home for the holidays, I had already been over a week, I think. So I was probably But I still have it. Like I'm I tested positive for COVID, but I probably won't give it to you.

Well, to be fair, I didn't want to go back home. Um and if I would have not felt any better, I would not have gone. Um but I did feel So I was like, it's gotta be like gone or almost gone by now but I still kind of have it. Like I am still like coughing up. Like it is some sort of respiratory thing going around. And there's a girl I used to work with. Sh no the COVID test was negative. Did they check for O'Brien's belt?

Now it's O'Brien's belt. Yeah. Jesus. Did they check for that one? Nacho the astronomer.

I'm a fucking doctor, okay? So we had to take a break. You actually, it was You never do this. And you were like, Are we gonna record today? We don't have anything to release. And I was just like, I am dying. I can't. I mean we can, but I'm just gonna cough into the microphone. We can do that. And you were like, No, no, no, it's okay. Yeah. And you were like, maybe we can try later. No, that's okay. Pass. So we had the holidays. So yeah, now we're back to recording and I mean literally people

They get so upset around the holidays and lonely and depressed and they didn't have us. I know So I want everybody to know that the reason you didn't have us, our you know, one listener, is because of Because she was out there being socially irresponsible, catching O'Brien's belt vid nineteen. That's right. You're welcome. Mm-hmm. You are welcome.

Oh, okay. So I was looking at notes and all of a sudden there was like one word and I'm like, What the fuck does that word mean? And then all of a sudden there's like a whole fucking sentence. Well I got distracted. So uh the other thing that I did was I decorated my office more so just my desk with some Christmas. Oh my god, I have one too. Oh my god, we should be friends. We have so much in common. I can't believe I would throw that away. I don't who knows? Who knows and then I have like

But I did it because my job, like the people that I have to talk with all the time, just like suck the life out of me. So the So I did that. Um, the other thing, Nacho, we both got haircuts. Yeah. We did. Except So much in common. Except I did it like a normal adult and went to a licensed professional who I You did it at home, like a psychopath, like some hoe running from the law. And then Then you were like

Should I get hair color at Dollar General? Okay, well that was that was sarcasm. Are you running from the law? That part was sarc that was sarcasm because I saw it and I was like, oh, who would I know there's people that will do that, but I'm not gonna do it. your hair, cut your hair. Like I I now wasn't in I wasn't envisioning. I was envisioning you

Shady truck stop bathroom with like big giant scissors cutting your hair and then fucking dyeing it and then running away, Jennifer Lopez. I think if I was gonna do Head.

Yes, so I did cut my own hair. I had kind of gotten tired of it and I have very curly hair and it had gotten long. I had been thinking about it for a while. So when you have curly hair, it's kind of difficult. Like they say you I don't necessarily make more shit up. Curly girl certified. Yeah, it's a thing. Curly girl certified. Yeah. Yeah. You should look it up. It's like the curly girl method.

I don't I don't follow any of that. I don't that's not what I do. But it's expensive to get a haircut because with curly hair you need to cut it just like by each curl. And it needs to be cut like it needs to be shorter underneath and then longer on the outside to those are called layers. Well, but Else who cuts hair, they do layers the other way where it's shorter on the outside and longer on the inside. Well,

So I just didn't I didn't want to pay for it because it's also like over sixty dollars. And if you've not usually like if you haven't been to that person before, they want you to go through this whole How to do your hair and blah blah I've been doing that for two years. I don't need that. And I just I didn't even want to pay sixty bucks. So I actually took so I have good like um hair cutting scissors for And I actually took the The story is just getting better.

This is just getting better and better. And I went in the bathroom this morning and I started just chopping away. And it it looks good. You can't tell. So here's the thing is that if I were to straighten my hair, you would But when you have curly hair because the curls just go up You can't tell because your curls are fucking crazy anyway. So nobody can tell. But look, like if you It's not like you could tell. I I did have to stop myself because I was like, I'm just gonna keep going.

But my hair and my husband even noticed it. I cut off about three inches and it's more curly. So it was definitely getting weighed down and it it was time for a haircut. So I just Went for it. I mean it's hair, it grows back. Who cares? It's well, some hair grows back. My hair grows back. I can't speak for anybody else. Minor. Like my haircut.

And I have like no hair. Just putting that out there. But okay. I guess I'm just a little fancy. I think you are fancy. You probably go to a fancier person. I haven't listened to it. And I just I don't know. When you have curly hair it doesn't matter. Like if I have a curl that's going it's not I mean, are you even curly girl certified? I'm not.

But when I have a curl that's not doing what I want, I'll just cut it off. I will. I don't I don't even care. Just nobody can literally tell. When I used to physical building, I would go to the bathroom sometimes and just start cutting my hair. You don't work in a building? What are you like outside? Well I mean like when I worked like not at home is what shut up. That's you know what I meant.

I know, but maybe our one listener didn't know. I don't want them to be confused. This isn't the let's confuse everybody show. Maybe it should be.

Scratch the fact. Everybody's show. So so what's new with you? What do you do over the holidays? Um I Um, did some sewing, uh taught some classes, uh basically just like everyday shit. I don't Can't cook. That's why I can cook. I just choose not to. I can also wash dishes and do laundry, but I also choose not to do that. I although I did I did actually I'm not sure if you're not going to be able to do that.

You said that you so you called me this morning and said that you had done that and I was like, What time did you wake up? And you said four on a Sunday. That's when I get up. That's when I get up. It's Sunday. It's the weekend. The weekend's for sleeping in. It's like my one day to do anything that's not work related. And yet I deal with work. Yeah. You don't know me. You don't know where I come from. You don't know my life.

Possible, probably why I can't understand why you wake up so early. Well, I can't do it during the week because I'm busy fucking working. I do home. Yeah. For what? How's that gonna help me with my homework? Your neck. To massage. My neck hurts? What? Yeah, it'll relax you. Oh my god.

You're so dumb. You're dumb. All right. So I have some questions for small beer bottle. It's like glass. It's not the normal ones, but it looks like like an old school like vintage medicine bottle. I'm like legit either I'm real fancy or I'm just kind of It's it's legit I'm drinking Coors Banquet. So I don't know if that makes me fancy or trash. Not fancy. Trash. Take your medicine. So first question. What is the worst job you have ever had? Every job is the worst job I've ever had.

Uh my I I think my current full time job has to be by far like the worst fucking job. Yeah. I like yeah. Because I basically just wanna Every fucking day. How about you? So I would say I've had a lot of people. I know, and it was. But what made it bad? Somebody told you not to do this. I don't know. It was the manager there. She made everything miserable. And when I t I still am friends with those people that I worked there with. And when I talk with them and they

And this was like a year ago,'cause after I left, they all left. Like they all followed right after, which is I had And um it was just it was that fucking manager because really liked. I got to work for the most part in the department I liked, but that manager made it awful. She kept trying to move me to different departments, which I was for my department and my department only to work with my people. Um and I think if I would have

And it would have been okay, but that manager made it difficult. And when I talk to those I just feel that And I have to agree with them. Like I dreaded going in there every So that hospital manager, we did actually end up getting her fired even after we had all quit because we So she got fired because a lot of the other people there, like the higher ups, they wanted her gone as well. So she was a big problem. But managers. And you know, I think if I were to go back now, it might be

That was probably the worst ever job. I hate when you bring out that puppet because I mean I love it'cause it's funny, but I can't focus and then the people are two listeners, don't know what's going on You need to put a picture on either the Instagram or TikTok of your hand puppet so they know what's happening. What shit I have to put up with. Aaaaaah

So next question. What would you rather throw away? Love or money? Love. Love. Throw throw that shit out the throw it away. Yeah, same. Fucking shred it. Put it down the garbage disposal. Take it out to the dump. Money can buy prostitutes and prostitutes are love. Boom. Um I'm So I have to agree with you. I would wisdom up here. I would throw away love over money. I I didn't And I don't like I have it from my husband, but I don't like it. Like I don't want to be touched. I don't I just

Um, let's see. Third question: What have you learned about life from kids? Like any kids in your life. Yeah. I don't to be like carefree, which I just learned. I do but I don't. I don't give a fuck about the shit that doesn't matter. But I do give a fuck about things that matter. Like money. Not love. How about you? Um I have to say I would Just do whatever. You know what? If you need to fart in front of people, people squeeze you too hard.

is if somebody goes to give you a hug and they squeeze you too hard you just fucking break wind. You just let that shit out. Not literally. You let the air out. That was something that my niece would always do to me and my We would hug her, she would fart. So uh and then

She can do it on demand. She is talented. She's powerful. Um, but yeah, who's Or that I learned from them because they don't I mean Which I wonder too, it makes me wonder when I started giving a shit about all those things and got so Well yeah, and I wonder too, so I've always been kind of like anxious, so I think that's part of it. So I wonder as well if like just the anxiety, that's one thing. It it doesn't really allow you to be that carefree. So you know.

It's fine. At thirty five we can do it now. Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. Why start when we're old? Like we could totally do that when we're older, but why don't we just start Well, we might shit our pants when we're older. You're gonna be cutting your own hair, you're gonna be cutting my hair in the nursing home, we're gonna be cutting each other's hair. Yep. One of us will get a license, maybe.

Yeah. Or not. Or we'll just fucking wing it. Yeah, fucking wing it. Fuck it. Fake it till you make it. Take some medicine. So

Remember when? Do you remember in the beginning of the internet and email? If we didn't forward the emails to ten people, we would have bad luck. Or if we did forward them, we would come in. Do you remember that? Like all those fucking chain emails? That shit's still happening. It's still happening. I know, but like here's the thing. So that was back when l before like cell phones, you know, we So like my mom, I would get more emails and stuff from like my mom and

Whereas like now we have better phones, so they'll just text me or call me or whatever. So I don't really get any emails from them. So I don't really those emails like that. But I remember like it would fuck with me so much because I would be like, I know this is such bullshit, but oh my God, what if it isn't? Like there was that like nagging voice in the back of my And then I'm sitting there going, I don't even have ten people's email.

So I don't th I think I probably maybe forwarded like one or two, but I never forwarded many than like that many. Yeah. I don't. It's just like the internet was in control Control of our fate now. Like if you left your house back then, what year was that? Like ninety one? I think I was probably in like sixth grade or something. Who the fuck knows? But You get in a fiery car crash, firefighters will come knock on your window.

No, I didn't. Well, that's why you're in this predicament. That's why you're dying now. Clearly, this is why you had this viral infection, not COVID, because you didn't forward the fucking right email back when we were twelve. Yep, that's all my fault. This is why we can't have nice things. Yep. Whatever. I had I was I I had something for Remember When and I don't I don't remember when You don't remember when. I don't know. I don't know. Nacho the senior citizen. I'm

Diaper. In home care. What's that called? I'm like five days away from being in fucking hospice. Oh man. And then I'll have all kinds of time to forward emails. You know what? If that's if you don't spend all of your days forwarding emails when you have the time I think I'm gonna start those back up actually. Like when I get older I think I'm gonna

Just go. I don't have time right now, but one day when I'm older, I'm just gonna fuck with people. You're gonna fucking die. And it will say that. Like the emails were met. You are going to fucking die if you do not forward this. If you don't forward this email, you're gonna be fucking final destination. Yeah. Yep, watch out for that semi. Yeah. Don't get locked in a fucking tanning bed. Fucking fry. Oh god. Come out like fucking KFC chicken.

Now I want KFC. Oh my gosh. Uh whatever. Move on to your random ass. So one thing that I've been trying to do. Try on there. So if I'm just like sitting there and I'm really bad about always being on my phone. Like if I have a down like if I have downtime at work, I'll get like right on my phone to just And um so I've been trying to just sit there and just like sounds really interesting. Let's talk more about this.

Because I always go straight to my phone. So like I'm like, okay, if I can just sit here and just enjoy the moment, take some deep breaths, not feel so stressed. Like I'm trying to do that. It's a little difficult. And so I'm also trying to do it too.

Because normally I'll be on my phone or something while I'm watching. I can't sit and just do that. I have to do something else. It is so fucking hard. Yeah. Like it's When traveling, if I don't see somebody on a phone or a tablet or a laptop or reading a book or looking at a magazine, I'm like, what are you doing? Like you have got to be a fucking murderer because you how do you how are you just sitting there?

Like I'll look at my phone just to look at it so people don't bother me. Mm-hmm. And I'm not looking at anything. I would likely have a book in that situation. But like when I'm like when I'm at work, if I get a minute of downtime, like It's kind of few and far between. But I try to it like I'm trying to at least just take that minute to just like sit there and breathe and like not jump off a bridge. You're fucking psycho.

'Cause I'm always doing I'm always doing like ten things at once, like responding to emails, like sometimes a minute if I can even do something. I don't know Yeah. You're fucking It's tough. It is so tough. Because when the police come knocking on my door and they're like, do you Murdered like 10 kids and kicked two puppies and drowned three cats. Ever since we've gotten phones, we've become so trained. thinking and start fucking murdering people.

Oh, yeah. Ellie did it. She did it. I know she did it. She told me while she was just sitting there, not on her phone. She telepathically You're cut off. She told me.

You know what? And you keep saying it wrong is because we got our field trips got cancelled out in elementary school and we couldn't go to the planetarium anymore. Okay. Here is something random. Documentary reality show, I don't fucking know. Do you know who what's his name? Um Colton Underwood is. No, is it Carrie Underwood's brother? Shut up. So he was I believe a professional football player. I believe he was in the NFL. I'm not sure. And he was also on The Bachelor. And he came out as gay.

And he's got like a whole special documentary thing on Netflix. And I had never heard of this. But I don't I don't know what no,'cause I don't know what any of these things mean. It's like two So I learned it. I learned it on this TV show. So cisgender describes a person whose gender identity is the same as their sex. Why we needed this word, I don't know. But just You're male and you identify as male. Why did it need to have Cause everything. 'Cause like it's not like you can say oh I'm just

Because normal is because you're not. Normal isn't even a thing anymore. Because there's no term for it. There's no word for it. We gotta come up with a word for normal. And it's gonna categorize it in the right. You've got to categorize the categories into categories in rows of more categories separated by commas and categories. Gotta categorize normal. Yeah. Anyways, yeah.

Interesting, I don't know. But I learned that word and I was like, we did we really need a word for that? I'm not I'm I don't know. Like I'm not dissing anything or anybody. I'm just like We're just evolving as humans, so everything has to have an appropriate term to it. Okay. So I guess you answered my question.

We're just We're evolving. Um so I want to we don't really have any like news for later. I do have this one thing, but I want Discussion on. So this is from thehuffpost.com. So a man. A dentist in Italy who needed a vaccine certificate offered up a rober a rober oh my god. A rubber foam arm in an attempt to evade the actual shot. So Did he only have one arm? Or did he like hide his real arm? No, I think he hid his real arm. And it says here, it says that he wanted

But didn't want to get the vaccine. So just don't get it if you don't want it. Cause now Which wouldn't that be the same situation as if he just went and bought a fucking fake card? Probably It's because you and I live different lives, so I don't know what you know, and it's I'm just assuming that people are out there making fake cards. I think they are I think that's the I think they are And let's see here. So it looks like Italy.

So he wanted to go meet the bitches at the club, but he didn't want to take the appropriate steps to go meet the bitches at the club. Well, I think he also needed it for work, which is also kind of like, you know what, if you if you were You're a fucking dentist, go off on your own then. And then don't require it. Uh but I know not everyone can do that. But it's just and I know he's probably not the only one. Like I think

It's just fucking stupid. It's like he put more work into it than just going to get the fucking vaccine. Exactly. And then it blew up in his fucking Dirty breath face. And I I totally I believe that if you don't want the vaccine, you shouldn't have to get it. Just like you know, elementary. Things transform in our bodies, then we expel a different thing. You know, then we're like giving people COVID, like people are disgusting.

Lion's belt and I mean now you're fucking making fun of me. Now you're making fun of me. There's no there's no space here for you. I am gonna shut your comments off. I'm laughing with you.

So moving on. Moving on. What's coming up has nothing to do with our companies, who we work for, this is just this is us. And if you are our one listener, if you're here, you know. If you're not a regular listener, this is not a reflection of our professional lives. This is our Non professional life. This is a real us. Yeah. I don't you know. We fucking go to

Shady truck stops and cut our fucking hair in the bathroom. Yeah. And some of us go to a professional. Yeah. Who has to do? And we're allowed we're Yeah. Shit that We have the right to make fun of them for being assholes. Um but it doesn't we're not calling them by name. Nope. And you Venmo, PayPal, just let me know. I I can hook you up so you can We can make this podcast more. We can quit our jobs and then you can actually see our faces and be like they're pretty. Oh yeah, I can go first. So Uh

What I repair is something that you would generally use a lot around this time. So People drop the fucking ball. Check to see if their shit's working. So then now it's Christmas time and they want to do shit and their shit's not. So they bring it in to me to fix it. Okay. It's it's a couple weeks before Christmas. I am like three weeks out on repairs. So when somebody brings their looking at three weeks ish, especially because it's a holiday, hours are shortened, people are off, shit happens.

And then they call every fucking day after they drop it off and they're like, Is it done yet? Did I call you and tell you it was fucking done? No, it's not done. As a matter of fact, I've got fifteen people ahead of you. Stop calling. Don't call us, we'll call you. If I tell you three weeks, don't call the next day and ask if it's done, because it's not fucking done.

Like and the longer the more time that you waste of mine, the longer it's gonna fucking take for you to get your shit back. Well yeah, and if they keep bugging you too. It's like I mean, I'm not saying I do that, but yeah, it makes me not it makes me want to just leave it on the shelf.

So I'm gonna be like super vague on this next one, but I and Ellie knows more about this because you know she knows my entire life, but I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. I see light. It's right there. I fucking see it. It's so fucking close. But it's actually Probably. I d I haven't heard anything yet, but you know, I do have headphones on, so no horn honking yet? No. Nothing.

I you and I had this discussion and you say that we haven't talked for weeks, but that's a lie because we just had this discussion about how people talk. And shit that they say. And then I'm like, who like who talks like that? And then I think about it and I'm like, me, I talk like that with you. Because I like I'm so politically incorrect. It's ridiculous. And maybe that's not even the right term because you as you know, I just make shit up. Like O'Brien's belt vid nineteen.

So I think I use that word correctly, but whatever. Um something that needs to happen more. I think customers need to start getting fired. Absolutely. Like if you act a fucking fool, bye. There's the door. Fucking leave. Don't come back. I believe that.

Stores, companies, whatever. I think they should be able To just be like, you know what? You're fired. But I think fifteen years ago you could do it and it would be okay, and now people are just so fucking energy. control our life as we are recording for our podcast, which is streamed on the internet. But like if you piss somebody off

They're super quick to go write a bad review and talk shit. You do something good and you don't fucking hear about it, which is bullshit. And I mean, I'm not saying that occasion if I have a good experience somewhere I will legit call the fucking manager and tell them from the store if I can't if they're busy and I can't To a manager or ask for a manager, I will legit call the store later and be like, hey, this is the person I dealt with, and they were super fucking pleasant.

It's a shitty situation right now. Retail and restaurants, and just some of the shit that some of these poor people have to deal with that is not their. bullshit and they just get shit on non-stop, but then they do something good, they have a good attitude, and they don't fucking hear about it and they get discouraged and they fucking leave. So People, let's do better. Let's be better. Well, I I definitely agree. They have actually installed like panic buttons in like rooms.

And all the people, all like the higher management would do, like they called the police and the police officer would You will be fired. No, I'm sorry. When you threaten somebody, when you touch somebody, when you talk like that, you are Absolutely not. There you should never put up with that. But the thing is. It's the higher up management who's put who's making these rules and they don't have to deal with these people. And they don't have a

No, so they don't care. So and they're like, Well, it's not my mental health. It's not you know, and they don't m maybe That's the problem. Like I have I get fuck, I just hit my desk. I have people that should I sometimes But I have people all the time who are so shitty to me and there's like I'm technically not even a

if they're cursing at me and everything else. And that's yeah bullshit. Somebody's cursing at you, you should be like, Okay, call back when you have a better I mean but but the people who make these rules don't work the job the face to face with these people or like voice to voice, whatever. And so they don't care because it's out of sight, out of mind. Yeah, that's bullshit. Total bullshit. don't get to touch people and you don't get to talk to people like that. And if you do Peace out.

Peace out word I can't use. Yeah. Cause I talk really bad. I talk like a a trucker, a sailor, a trucker, whatever. That's what I talk like in real life. I've had like a sailor's mouth since I was a child. It's just who I am. I don't I don't know when. My vocabulary changed. But it did. And I don't feel bad. I used to really be like, Oh, I really shouldn't like I wouldn't say certain things or curse or s around certain people. I mean obviously I would never But

ass bitch. Anyways, I I mean I have respect for people, but for the most part, I just I'm just like, yeah, fuck it. I'm O do me. Mm-hmm. And that's that.

I'm gonna order dinner. Doesn't that sound delicious? I'm ordering pizza. Are you jealous? So can you even say Taco Bell. I th no,'cause I almost die when I do that. I think I'm ordering a pizza with bacon and mushrooms. What kind of fucking combination is that? Who d I haven't had it but I don't like it. All right, do your last one here. Oh, I have one more. Okay. Um Trash bags scented trash What the fuck? Do you not like them? No. So I went to, you know, our favorite store today.

And I bought so much shit that they only had a trash bag to put it in. You couldn't find something there to carry it? No, and I I normally do, but I couldn't Although I did end up getting one of those big bags that you put on the top of your vehicle when you're like traveling, like one of those big plastic travel bags. I ended up getting one of those for a dollar. Can you believe it? A dollar. But do you normally travel that way? Like do you normally tra No, so then I mean it's a dollar.

I could I could give it to a homeless person to for them to protect their goods. Or to sleep enemies. That would be I'm so inconsiderate. So yeah, that's that's that. Yeah anyways, so back to the trash Um I I so I I bring my stuff home and I d I like I lay everything out and uh look, I'm a fucking freak. I I'm a fucking weirdo. And I like I'm I'm smelling something that I don't normally smell in my house. And I kind of just like brushed it off, went and got my hair cut.

Came back and then I smelled it again. I'm like, where is this coming from? And I figured out the fucking trash bag was scented. What the fuck? What are you putting in your trash? Like dead parts of people? Dead people parts? I don't know. So I will say I do

But can we come up with like a different scent? Like I it shouldn't be like game scented. I don't want my trash to smell like my laundry, because then I'm gonna associate that with my clothes and I'm gonna be like, I smell like a fucking trash bag. I basically smell like trash now. But laundry smells good. That's why they do that. I know, but no, they need to come up with like a different scent, not

That's it. That's all I have. I'm yeah. I'm gonna let you do you'cause we're pressed for time. As usual,'cause we don't know how to keep shit under an hour. No. What the fuck is wrong with us? I do, I do. That's the shit that's wrong with us.

Okay, go. So there we go. I had a customer call and I mean honestly this is like this is every day. This isn't just this one, but people want to argue about what we require for certain things. Okay, but for legal called out. Well but for legal And you know like a little bit of a little bit of a little bit is actually in their contract that they signed. And it's not like in fine print. That's the thing the other thing too is it's not in fucking fine print. And they act like it is.

like I had somebody they were like well I want to see where I signed this and I and I'm like you fucking agreed to it when you signed up for You hit the okay button or whatever the fuck. Like the fact that you didn't read your contract is not our fault. Yeah, dumbass. It drives me nuts. And I mean, it's like every fucking day and people just wanna argue about it. And I'm like I've gotten to the point now where I just I'm just like I mean you it's what you

And it kind of goes into like my fourth one that I have on here. But so the company that I work for is super. They send letters out constantly, multiple times for one thing. Plenty, plenty of time for the customer to read what we're Um when like if we're disagreeing on something that the customer You know, like it's just and they'll sit there and they'll be like, Well, I never got that. I never got that. And I literally can show, like, I can pull.

that we have sent this out and it says the dates and everything. And so I'll usually send it to like their email and they'll be like, I never got it. And I'm like, have you tried looking through the big fucking stack of mail that's sitting right inside your door? Cause I know you fucking got it. And So, you know, another problem with that too is that when pe like we send that stuff out, they say they didn't get it, blah blah blah, and people are they get

Do a bitch. Okay, Linda. I don't fucking care. And make sure you include the part where you've completely failed as a and failed to read the contract that you signed that we sent you two to three times and that you have access to constantly, make sure you include Like and I just the I've been a customer of yours for a long time.

Like that's great. We appreciate it. But there's only so many things we can do. Like we have to follow we have to follow the laws that are set for us. Otherwise you cross a line And people like business bitches. They just don't get it. Like, and I have so many people all the time, like, they just want to get shitty, and I'll And if we don't follow that, then we face legal issues and you know like this is all legal. Like I just I fucking hate people.

Um, so this one is one of my favorites. So a member didn't like what I was saying because I was it. This was in your contract, blah blah blah. And so she became super She requested my supervisor. Essentially so my supervisor could be. Um that's the best. And so one thing that I do in order for um is I I take a lot of drugs like deep deep breathing exercises is what I do. And so this lady screaming at me, I'm trying to get these things done. And I mean like she won't

And why would she? Because that would answer her question. Who talks like that? Sailors. That's my favorite word. And so I start like deep breathing, but I forget that I have a microphone right here. And so she can hear it. And I'm going. And so I do that like three times. And so then she starts screaming at me like she's my fucking mother. And I was more. She was basically like quit fucking sighing, blah blah blah. And I almost I had to bite my You know my mind.

My mother I would argue with my mother on this. Don't Don't say that shit to me. And if you're especially not my mother, don't even fucking think about it. I will I will do deep and so I finally she kept screaming Ma'am, I am not sighing at you. I am taking deep breaths. Like I was so fucking pissed. Like I because of you. Like I I legit, I was ready to.

I was about to lose it because don't don't fucking tell me what to do. You're not my mother. You're nobody to me. You're a dumb piece of shit who has failed to even read your contract and any like you are literally the biggest failure. Don't come at me. And I was so fucking mad. And So anyways, my favorite part of it was that so I kept And literally the supervisor told her the same fucking thing that I told her. But people just wanna hear a fucking supervisor say it. And I'm just like, I don't.

They're not gonna help you. Like they're not gonna help you. This is this is what it is. Like, I'm not telling you this because I want to listen to you scream at me. I'm telling you this because this is how it is. Nothing can That's something I'm gonna do. Like I just get oh, I get so fucking irritated. So

She was a fun one. I think about her often because I think it's so fucking funny. And I get so mad because I'm like, don't fucking no. And if and to that woman, if you are a mother, I bet you're not. Oh my god, a goat's butthole in the camera. So my other one I have so our website goes down often.

We are sorry, I'm just sighing. The No no no, it's deep breathing. Oh no, I'm sighing. So the company I work for shoot of a larger company. And so if that larger company does something that fucks with the website, it can fuck up ours. So that's oftentimes And Nacho, I send you pictures all the time of this. Like there will be like two hundred callers called.

And like ninety callbacks that have to be done and it's all because the website goes down for like a few hours. No idea what happens, but people will So fucking mad and they are so shitty about it. They lose their fucking And they have to call right then. Instead of just like being like, Oh, you know, this is the internet. I grew up in the age of internet, like I've known nothing but

I should maybe give it a little while or I grew up in a time when the internet showed up when I was in elementary school. I know how finicky the internet can be. I should give it a little. I know websites fucking happen. No, why would they fucking do that? They just all call at the same time. And they bitch about how inconvenient it is as if like I did it. Like

And I just want I literally just want to go, oh I'm sorry, I did that. I unplugged the fucking router because fuck you. You know what I mean? Like let me flip the switch to fix it. Just kidding. It's not And they get mad that I can't fix it right now and that I don't know when the fix will happen. And it's like, I'm not an IT person. Uh also uh There's like ten thousand plus people that work here and I don't

Nobody like everyone's talking about it. Nobody fucking knows when it's gonna be fixed. It it like you have to let the IT people work. Like take a fucking chill pill, relax. Come back later. You bitch. But but it's gotta be done right now, or this is just so fucking inconvenient. And I'm like, I How how do you deal how do those people deal with any minor inconvenience in their life in any other way? Could you imagine? Like

I bet people just lose their fucking mind 24-7 and they're just like, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. I don't know how the world is ending. I don't know how life will go on. And I'm like, it's not that serious, guys. What is that look?

All right. So just had a little bit of a glare. internet. We're gonna call somebody. I know we need to call and just right now. Let's call right now. Let's let's put him on speaker. Let's put him on speaker. That's right. So I don't have one this this time, but I will let Ellie tell hers because she is very passionate. She wrote a lot. So this week's shit helmet. I should we be saying this week?

I guess it is this week. Um, a shit helmet is something that we think people should have to wear so that they can smell how shitty their character is. Go. So people that want to sit and argue on the phone for twenty minutes. People that call my job and they question everything and I answer it and then they continue to answer.

to the point where it's almost impossible to answer because the question they're asking, like they've taken words and putting them in a different spot where it makes no sense. And I can't even answer. I'm just like standing, I'm sitting there going like, what? And So it's it's so frustrating for me because it's like, Okay dude, like two minutes in, I told you

But you sit there and say that it takes too long and that's too much work and I just I don't know why you guys do this and blah blah blah. And it's like, well, you've been on the phone with me. Arguing with me, you could have actually had this done, submitted, and drove around your block about sixteen times in the

But you know, you don't you just you don't have time to do it. But you have time to sit and argue with me on the fucking phone for twenty minutes. Like it doesn't make sense. Like, how do these people Because like oh it's lunchtime. Well, I don't I don't I don't have time to go get lunch. I don't have time. This is just too much. I don't I can't handle this. I don't have time to Or like, you know, your wife asked. I don't I don't feel like I have time to go to Walmart.

Okay, well get your ass off your fucking cell phone or your TV or whatever the fuck. Like I bet you're not that busy. And here's the other thing too is that you say you're so busy you don't have time to do this. But you spend twenty minutes wasting energy arguing. 20 minutes that I thought you didn't have time for, but you clearly do have time for. It just drives me fucking nuts. I'm like, I told you how to

Like I had this guy call and he did this exact same thing the other day. And I think that's He did this to me and fight like I had told him. He was mad that it was taking so long. And I literally just kept saying, Sir, it literally says right below. Not even in fine print, in like twelve point font, that you need to submit this with it. You didn't submit that. So we can't prevent And then he he kept asking me questioning

And finally at the end of it, I was so fucking sick of him. And it was truly He didn't have time to do this. And I just said sir, I don't honestly know, but I do know that on the form that you filled out it said you needed to turn this in, you didn't turn that in, therefore. And then when we get off the phone, he tells me, Thanks for not helping me. Oh, you're right. I'm like, I literally was just like, Okay, thanks. Have a good day. Like, I told you two minutes.

And you chose to just argue with me, like go fuck yourself. People I just are stupid. Why are s people so stupid? I don't I don't have time to do that. I don't have t what do you mean you don't have time? You spent fifteen minutes on the phone arguing You got time to argue but you don't have time to do things the appropriate way. I just fucking hate people so much. Like they just think they're so entitled

It's this, and they're like, well, it's just such an easy fix. Right. But I agree with you. Like I don't disagree that this is an easy fix. If I could change this for you, I absolutely would. If we could do it that way, we would do it. However, if we get audited, there are certain And it's a legal issue. So it has to be done this way. I don't So do us a favor and go walk into the ocean and take a deep fucking breath. Seriously. Like take several. Oh

It is so frustrating. Like, and I know like if I get audited. I was so done. I was so close to telling him to go fuck himself. Like I just hate I told you how to fix it. Move on with your life. Do it. And I told my husband about it too. And my husband's not very tech savvy. He's not like good at all this stuff. I told him about it and he was like That seems like it would actually be very easy to fix. And I was like, it is. It is like the easiest thing. Like he would maybe

But'cause we need the proper paperwork. But no Ugh.

That's the end of that. But I do I wanted to add this little part in here. So we want to hear from like our two listeners about their bad work experiences. Like Nacho and We deal with on a Daily basis. But we want to hear from you. Send us an email. Let us know about your Shitty people that you've had to deal with, what the fuck ever. And if you don't, I'm gonna be really sad. Yeah. And I know we have at least like two. I mean and it's totally okay if it's just

Yeah, that's okay. Just be in love with us from afar. Nacho was a little bit more than a little bit. Don't be like don't be like in my backyard. That's weird. I don't like that. We'll have to call the cops. Maybe I do. Nacho, what's our email? I didn't masturbate at work at Gmail. Yeah. It's I mean, I don't know how you don't know this. I don't pay attention to the money. I didn't masturbate it.

Um send us an email. Let us know about your shitty work experiences, shitty managers. Don't send a dick pic. That's not what we're about. Don't tell us about your shit. Yeah, don't tell us about your shit. Tell us about your shit, but don't tell us about your shit. Please. So yeah. That was a fun. Alright, well we're all done. Yeah. Yay. We did it. Yay! We did it. Okay. Alright.

And you just listen to I Didn't Masturbate at Work with Nacho and Ellie. Make sure you like and subscribe. If you feel like you just didn't get enough time with us, make sure you follow us on Instagram at IDINT Nacho and Ellie. Thompson. Also feel free to send us an email at ididnmasturbate at work at gmail.com. Until next week, everyone, stay happy.