Ben Bennett: Free To Be Whole

I not only felt shame because of my own behavior in what I was doing and being involved in ministry leading in ministry. I was in a college ministry, leading Bible studies, doing evangelism, all of that. Started working for Cru, the campus ministry of Cru, still struggling with all of that. So it was like I kept making all these promises to God that I would stop. I at one point was able to shame myself into stopping. And I think that's what kept me free.

"Free" Cause I wasn't really free for months at a time, but just the shame of I don't want to be doing this. I can't be doing this. I don't want to have to tell my supervisor about this. I don't want to have to tell the guys in Bible study when purity comes up that I'm also struggling. So , uh , it was just a lifestyle of shame, but also feeling shame about who I was.

I didn't really like myself as a result of, you know, just growing up and, and feeling like I'm the black sheep in my family, not feeling like I fit in there in the friend group. Mmm . Being into different music than other people were into. Mmm . Being bullied. Uh, just being picked on again and again and again being a little bit overweight is also taking my face seriously. And in high school, I mean, just being bullied for that.

So there was this sense of shame about my identity and then that was furthered by the behavior that I was caught up in with pornography. Mmm . But it was, it was exhausting. That would probably be the word that I would use. Exhausting the amount of mental space that it took up, just between the shame and worrying about the next time I would fall and worrying about all the temptation and it was all consuming and exhausting and just a huge burden.

And in addition to that, I just felt so much isolation and distance from God. Not that he had turned away, but when I had doubts about his character because of pornography or doubts about his power to set me free or , um, when I turned away because from him, because of pornography and felt so much shame, it was like I struggled to be close to him. The same thing was true with my friends, my guy friends, my female friends.

I felt so bad about myself in this behavior that I couldn't well to be known and to be loved. I would need to share everything. But whenever I would go back to porn, I'm going to wait. I would always wait a couple of days till the shame started to dissipate before I would open up. Mmm . But those days were a miserable existence. It was normally two or three days after a relapse of just, I'm sleeping in. I'm not really talking to anybody, I'm running from God.

I'm just trying to survive until the, until the shame goes away. Um , and, and that's not what I was created to experience.

Mmm [inaudible] like a Pharisee, like the amount of time I was free from porn and then comparing my story to others and then started early on in , in recovery, which would have been nine years ago, I think, or eight years ago. Um, the first couple of years I was still binge purging and I started leading accountability groups or guys through certain resources. And that's really when the shame came in. That motivated me too . Stay to abstain.

But like I said, I, I started becoming obsessed with sobriety. Um, and you know, really counting the days. Not that that's a bad thing, but Nope , I felt good about myself, you know? And , and that was just another way of compensating for shame. Compensating for the fact that I didn't feel good enough or like who I was. Um, so I th I swung the opposite way and it, and that was, that was miserable too. And I think it took a couple of years before I started to not really care.

Like, I don't care how long I've been free. I don't care. Who knows? Then I'm free. Um, I just care about living healthy and walking intimately with Jesus and others in helping people. And that's, that took a while. And, you know, I've been free for six and a half years, but it was probably only in the past three years or so that I started to think how, how absurd is it that anybody that I would take then I would boast or take pride, which is really just compensating for shame.

I think that I would put identity in how long I've abstained from sin. Like that's absurd. And, you know, just throughout recovery, learning more and more about how good God is and how gracious he is and experiencing him as a loving father. Mmm . I finally would say I've kind of, it's like the pendulum swing, like full on addicted, well on addicted to legalism and abstaining and now in, in the middle , um, where it's, yeah, I'm , I'm free and I'm not going back.

But yeah, I'm not obsessed with, I'm not obsessed with abstaining. I'm not walking around thinking about all the times that I'm going to be triggered or tempted. Why? Because it's been so long. Um, Romans 12 two be transformed by the renewing of your mind. What we know about neuroplasticity, the neurons that fire apart. Why are apart after so long of, of not being triggered by certain things, not going back.

It's like I have a new brain, a new lifestyle, one of, of health and of enjoyment of , of God and others throughout my daily life. Um, so that is the opposite of misery. I mean, that is joy and flourishing and exactly what we were created for that description of going from addicted too . Addicted. Man, that is so powerful. I feel like I've never heard anyone put it that way before. Hmm . Yeah.

You mentioned that both you and I, it was cool a couple of years ago when we met, like we were the only two guys that I know of in the world who had written anything that was holistic on the topic of finding freedom from, from pornography. Um , that was like a recovery program.

But when I wrote that, I think there was, if I think back on the language, there was some of this battle language or a fighting, fighting sin, but the more I've studied it and looked at the scriptures, I'm not convinced that we're supposed to fight sin. We're supposed to please them . How can we fight sin if Jesus has already defeated it and dealt with it?

Now we just walk victoriously in the path that he is provided and so for unhealthy choices is provided healthy choices in the research I've found, obviously pornography releases a huge amount of dopamine. Well, when [inaudible] a lot of times we go to it. When we feel rejected, we feel disconnected, we feel lonely. Well, you know, it also releases dopamine and oxytocin, this bonding agent in your brain, healthy relationships being connected.

So when I feel rejected, when I feel lonely, if I call, you know, one of my close brothers , one of my close friends and I reach out and process the emotions and the pain of life that I'm going through, I'm going to get the same theme that pornography promises, but in a much healthier, satisfying, sustainable way.

Whereas if we're willing to settle for , um , maybe less of an overwhelming experience by having a real person to talk to and to bring my emotional pain and my trauma to like, in the end, you're going to be more joyful. Yeah. And yeah ,

If you think about what does that desire actually about when I'm tempted to go to pornography, it's not just some random lust or because I'm just way too horny or because you know , um, my sinful nature, there's actually a God-given desire behind that and something is triggering it. Is it you feel rejected and you want acceptance? Is that you feel lonely and you want connection? Is it , um, you shared your opinion and somebody didn't affirm your feelings?

What is the desire there that's being conceived? And then there's an option in that moment, either I give birth to sin, I go down this pathway of coping, of surviving the chaos of this world, or I go down the pub . The pathway of responding in, getting the needs met, my needs met in a healthy way that God has designed because God cares about us. He cares about our desires, our needs. And he's not, he's not approved. He's not trying to hold out. He's not trying to hold out on us.

Like I know, you know, he's, he's trying to provide us something so much better in satisfying

absolutely man. And gosh, you and I have experienced that. There are some guys listening who are like, I've never experienced that.

Um, and that's the way I was designed to live. I will never live a life without, I will never live a life with secrets anymore. I just can't. Um, I need to be fully known and fully loved, not just to stay sober, but because that's what I was created to experience. That's God's design and it's so satisfying. And I'm not going to give the enemy any, any playground or any amount of play room for those things that I haven't confessed or shared with others. Mmm [inaudible] to shame me.

You know, I'm going to share everything. So now I have a guy, his name is Alvin, and we talk about once a week in text one another throughout the week , um, about everything. And oftentimes because , um , no, we're , we're not relapsing. Uh, it's just about life. It's about our emotions. It's about the stressors is about all the precursors that in the past would lead up to a relapse. But now, now we have other ways of coping.

Like, Hey bro, hard week, I'm really tempted to go eat a bunch of taco bell, you know, or , um , I'm, I'm just getting really anxious and angry about this situation and I'm responding that way and I'm getting exhausted just supporting one another throughout the week. But I will say early on the first [inaudible] the , the reason why now I feel comfortable having one guy Mmm .

Is because of the journey the past eight years, you know, what I encourage other guys to do and, and girls, and especially in the early years until you experience lasting sobriety. Yeah . I encourage people to have three, maybe four people that there daily talking to. Mmm . Because especially as that new lifestyle is developed, these people are pointed out, pointing out your patterns, your blind spots.

They're helping you understand how your family of origin or past trauma or difficult unmet needs or difficult experiences maybe playing out now in , in the present. And that will save you years to identify those patterns early on. Um, cause those are, those are coming out each week in the triggers and in the temptation and what's setting you up to go to go back to porn. So I had that for about the first five years.

Um, I did about four years of, yeah, four years of group work where I was doing 30 minutes of homework, five days a week, a weekly, two hour meeting , um, morning and night meditations , phone calls, texts throughout the week, four years. And in addition to that, hundreds of hours of therapy and of trauma therapy. Mmm . So it's a lot. Yeah. It's , it's a lot in, in it, in depending on your level of the issues you've struggled with.

Like for me, it's been a lot of mental health stuff as well and trauma and, Mmm . What else? Food addiction and all of that. So , um, but what I would say early on, I wouldn't have one in somebody to tell me that, you know, and I didn't need to know that because , um, I, I committed to one year of recovery of group work of therapy and it was just so cool because it was holistic . It was so cool to see. And that was with dr Ted Roberts. I guy saved my life. It was so , yeah.

Um, so-called a see how, how much I grew with the Lord and with others that year and how much I learned about Jesus. I mean, to me it was like very, very intense discipleship. So I loved it so much. I grew so much what seemed like a burden going in. Oh my gosh, this, I'm in this group going through this stuff about porn, you know, knowing I have a problem. It became a joy because I learned so much more about thriving and health and started to taste and see and experience it.

And then by the end of the year is like, I'm not going back. I'm going to continue doing more group work, doing more therapy, doing more. Um, it was just so cool to see that that switch that that happened

But at some point it becomes your default way of thinking. You would wake up in the morning, get out of bed, and just end up, Oh my gosh, I'm on, I'm on my arms, I'm on my hands. I'm walking in. The more and more you do that throughout the months, throughout the years , um, you grow and your arms become strengthened and you unlearned probably how to walk on your feet. And it's easy and natural to walk on your hands. And that's, that's kinda what it's like.

I would say moving from unhealth to health,

But the voice of shame, the inner critic that's always in inside of you, I'm trying to improve use so that you will finally be acceptable. It's the people. That's where a lot of the focus needs to be at as well.

Being okay with where you're at in the journey, learning to love and accept yourself by seeing who God says you are , uh , and who other people say you are and what's biblically true of you being made in the image of God being , um, God's son adopted into his family, learning to [inaudible] to drill that into your head on your good days, on your bad days. Um, I , I'm convinced that so much of this journey is about unlearning what the world and pain has said.

We are in relearning who God says we are. Mmm . Because like I did for years, we can put our identity in our performance or abstaining from porn, but then another thing's going to come along. Oh, I'm not skinny enough. Oh, I don't have a good enough degree. Oh, I don't have, I haven't. I don't have this many followers on Instagram, in ministry being a speaker. Oh, I don't have that much money. Oh, I don't have the car that that person, and it's, that is still the addictive shame narrative.

The inner critics sane. Once you are a little bit better, you will finally be acceptable, but we've got to call that out and realize it in our, in our lives and learn two except who God says we are regardless of of our performance. Absolutely. Ben , how do we find joy on this journey? Yeah, I think so many times we can think that it's all about the destination. It's like, okay, I'll get this coach. I'll join this group. I'll have a accountability partner.

I'll do this until I find freedom from porn and it's all , it's good to have goals. It's good to focus on getting free. But what I've learned in my recovery and the past eight years is so much of the joy is in the journey. We need to have goals and we need to focus on the destination, but don't missed as they say, the forest for the trees. Don't miss what the daily joy it is to live into this new had earned . I think back on my first couple of groups and how, how many healing moments there were.

I still think back on moments , um, of people sharing things that they've never shared and feeling so loved and accepted , um, of the relationships that were formed of the relationships I have to this day. Have the moments along the journey where I, I heard exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. That healed a past experience that I, it had. So to sort of take it one day at a time and see this as, Mmm , a journey like, okay , today, God, don't let me miss out.

I remember one time praying that consistently, don't let me miss out on what you have for me today. I don't want to be so focused on next year or the next five year, next five years are where I'm at, that I miss how you're going to show up and do something amazing today. Mmm . And those are the experiences we need to remember and hold onto .

Um, [inaudible] so much of, of recovery , uh , of healing is about today and learning to be present and learning to , um , except who God says you are today despite your performance. And that's going to go a long way because when you get free from porn, Mmm . There's going to , like I've said, there's going to be other things or maybe when you get married and there's something that your wife says to you that makes you feel rejected rather than being super reactive.

If you've learned to be enjoy the journey and to be present in the moment and accept who God says you are despite your behavior, then in those moments, it's going to carry over and you're going to be able to be respond rather than getting angry in it. Turning into a big argument. That's just one example, but there's so many examples.

It's like there's all this opportunity, but uh , yes means a no. So something else. Yeah . So if I'm saying yes to this, what am I saying no to? And before social media, it was like traveling. Oliver , there's all these opportunities in people in ministry struggle with this. Like, should I go on that trip? But it's my kid's birthday and, but it's this opportunity and it will impact these many lot I have. So just having the, the rhythms of Mmm .

Throughout the day, trying to be present where I'm at and still learning that. But one thing I do, or one thing I did a couple of years ago, which was awesome, was I decided to start keeping my phone on do not disturb 24, seven. Wow. And I know some people say with my job, I can't do that. I'm like, maybe you can, maybe you feel like you can't, but you might be able to. Mmm .

But keeping my phone on 24, seven and only checking it when I consciously choose to, rather than being addicted to the notifications. And I knew, I knew this lifestyle had taken root and people were respecting it. When Josh McDowell said, Ben, I've realized I have to call you twice in order to get it to go through because it's on do not disturb . So the first time it gets cut or it doesn't come through, the second time it , it , uh, it rings. So, Mmm . That's just become a , a lifestyle.

The a second one is I keep all the notifications for emails, for apps , um, the badges off cause otherwise, and that's what they're creating these apps to do too , you know, get you addicted to them and you get a surge of dopamine. So

I feel like I have new eyes so that to live into give , uh, to other people in my life and now using my story or seeing God used my story to help other people find freedom and healing from pornography, from hurts , from different struggles that they get. Cotton . It's such a, such a joy.