Bro, I feel your pain. I did not just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. I was a friend zone real estate magnate. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence and make sparks fly on dates with women. so that you can get an incredible girlfriend from some really nice options. And do this with authenticity. No sketchy, weird, toxic BS. No pickup artist, scripted, manipulative games.
the amazing attractive qualities of you being authentic, being real. Because guess what? Women like you for you. They really will like you for you once they meet the real, most authentic you. And today's episode is going to be really powerful and fun. I love talking about first date. and how to smash out of the friend zone. Oh man, the friend zone sucks. I remember a first date I had many, many moons ago with a girl named Courtney.
And I had a first date. The conversations seemed to flow well. We seemed to like each other, at least as people. And I'm thinking, oh, maybe, maybe this super cute, cool brunette. With the cool tattoos, maybe she's the one. And by the time I get back to my apartment, I have that text buzzing on my phone. And it was her saying, hey, I just didn't feel a connection, but it was so nice meeting you.
I was so disappointed and frustrated. I remember there was a stapler on my desk, and I took the stapler and just threw it across the room in frustration. I wasn't mad at her. I was just frustrated, and I felt like, why? Why don't women like me? Why don't they want to have second and third dates with me? So if you struggle with this too, Bro, I feel your pain. I did not just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there. I was a friend zone real estate magnate.
And I learned how to get out. And today I want to share with you seven of the most powerful moves that I used to get out of the friend zone and that I teach my clients right now to. Get out of the quote unquote friend zone so that women start to see you as boyfriend material, not friend material. In fact, I remember another date I had with a different woman who actually looked a little bit like Courtney. And this was maybe a year or so later when I'd really been taking a lot of action.
and working hard on improving my dating life i had a first date with a woman named olivia a different cute brunette Clearly, I have a type, or I did back then. And I remember I was on, it was either our first or second date. I think it might have been the second. And the first date went well and the second date was going even better.
and i was flirting and i was leading the dance and i was playing fun little fun little conversational games with her and i remember she said to me something no woman had ever said to me She said, why don't we go back to your place? Why don't we go back to your place? She actually asked to go back to my place. And being a gentleman, I agreed, because it's not nice to turn down. a lady's request. So I want to help you go from literally let's be friends to let's go to your place.
Or let's go out again. Or let's just keep seeing each other. So that's what today's episode's about. You're going to get seven first date moves. I call these the seven friend zone destroyers. These are seven first date moves that you can use. right away to help you have the same kind of success and breakthrough that I had and that I help my clients have too. By the way, if you want to go to a really good part of today's...
Podcast, I think it's all really good. But make sure you go to about the 26, 27-minute mark. I have a little bonus for you. I'm going to show, in addition to these seven friendzone destroyers, I'm also going to give you my single favorite first date game. I like to play with women. When I say game, I don't mean manipulative game. I mean actually a game, a fun game that I play called The Five Questions.
It's my favorite first date game ever. It's one of the most valuable things I can possibly put here out here on the podcast. And I hope you love it. It's playful. It's silly. It has quite literally never failed me and a lot of my clients use it for success. If you want help just getting really good at flirting and knowing exactly what to say and how to have a fun, flirty date where sparks fly, you are more than welcome to go to my website, datingtransformation.com. and book a free call with me.
Anybody who's interested in potentially working with me as a coach, I do free, no pressure, fun conversations where we'll talk. I'll give you a roadmap. I'll diagnose what's holding you back. And if we're a good fit to work together, we can do that. And if we're not a good fit, it's all good. There's no charge for that.
So if you're looking for a dating coach or you just want to know what dating coaching is about, how it would work, you can go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a call button there, and you and I will talk. about how to get you out of the friend zone, how to get you a great girlfriend, how to basically
make you confident and super attractive to lots of women and to find love. That's all I really want for you is to find love and be happy because that's what I have and I want you to have the same thing. So, okay, enough of that. Let's get to the seven friend zone destroyers and my favorite first date game to play. Enjoy.
First date move number one. Send her fun, flirty messages before the date. There's a line in my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, where I talk about how a text before a first date is like a movie. and the first date is like the main attraction. and that's how you want to think about texting a woman leading up to the date you want to send her some fun light cheeky text messages which can create some romantic anticipation get her excited about the date and also cut way down on
so yeah think of your text leading up to a date as that 1990s movie trailer you know in a world where one man goes against the odds that's how you want to think here's text number one you can send a day or two before the date just so you know i have a fresh new haircut and i look very have been warned text number two make sure you wear something tight and low-cut so that we and by the way when you use these cheeky funny text messages add a winking emoji or a laughing emoji to the
This underscores the idea that this is a joke. You're not literally trying to come off as arrogant or cocky. You want it to be ironic, but still very plain. Here's text number three you can try leading up to the date. This is a really good one. This is called the accidental text on purpose, a term I got from the TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm.
so the accidental text on purpose means that you pretend that the message you're texting her was intended for somebody else now again this is a joke you're not actually deceiving her you're doing this as a playful joke so here's the one that's worked well for me hey mom and dad i have a hot date tonight with a total babe i just hope she doesn't find out that i still live in your
Here's a quick story from my dating past. I remember when I started getting really good at sending these pre first date text messages. I had a really pretty girl named Jennifer text me on the morning of the date. She said, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to meet that cheeky smart guy.
So take it from me. You're going to want to send fun, cheeky messages leading up to the date. It's going to help the first date go so much better. Here's first date move number two. Share a real, true, vulnerable, personal story about it. You want to get real and emotionally naked with a woman. You want to be yourself. And one of the most compelling ways to do that is to share a personal story.
Now don't get me wrong, first dates should mainly be fun and playful. They should be positive and flirty and very light. However, it's good to have one personal story ready that changes the tone into something more Here's the secret to telling a really good story on a first date. Choose a story that does not make you look like the hero.
Don't tell the story about the time you hit the home run to win the baseball game. Talk about the time you struck out to lose the game and your dad had to console you and you felt like your baseball career was over. These kinds of vulnerable stories make you stand out compared to other guys because other guys are trying to impress women by looking cool, looking awesome. You're going to be that rare. real, raw man who is not afraid to be vulnerable.
So here's one of my favorite first date stories myself. Obviously, you're not going to use mine. I just want to give you an idea of what works. When I was in high school, I was terrible at job. And one day I'm sitting in study hall about to take a geometry final. And I knew that if I failed this test, I was going to have to go to summer school. So I faked backspat.
I pretended to have back spasms. I went to the school nurse and she called my parents so that I could go home and recover and take the test on a different day. But here's the twist. My parents came to pick me up at high school. Instead of taking me home to recover, they took me to the hospital where I underwent hours of MRIs and x-rays. as I faked and pretended that I had these back problems which were completely made up.
And at the end of this long day at the hospital, the doctor told me and my parents, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son has scoliosis. He might need some kind of... And my mom starts crying. And it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life because I had to really commit to this lie. fast forward to the end of the story i retook the test and i failed with flying colors and i had to go to summer school for geometry mysteriously my back pain
So I love that story because it's from my youth and it shows a woman I'm on a date with what a schmuck I was when I was in high school. And by being vulnerable enough to talk about how I suck at math. how I lied to get out of a test, how I put my parents through this, it shows a certain sense of growth and sense of humor about myself. So women love that story. So ask yourself, what's a story from your you?
about something you screwed up, but you can now laugh about? Or what about the time you got stood up for your senior prom, perhaps? Or the time you forgot the lines at the school play? Look for some specific and of course, honest, true story from your past that makes you look bad then, but because you're looking at it now through the lens of growth. and having a sense of humor about it, it's going to be very impressive to a woman.
the other thing that's really powerful about sharing a good personal story is that once you start opening up about yourself you're going to give her the green light to share stories about her life And now you've got two people on a date, you and her, opening up, being emotionally naked and vulnerable. Well, once you get emotionally naked, that's going to help the two of you eventually get literally naked down the road.
so get good at telling stories from your personal life and be vulnerable be really real okay first date move number three give her a sexy compliment here's what you want to do look for something on the date look for a trait that you notice about her that you like and tell her that you find it sexy and i want you to use the word
for example i was on a date once with a woman from bumble her name is rebecca and i had been playing it safe i was not taking my own dating coach advice and i remember thinking oh find something find something really sexy And she got up and walked from our seat to the ladies room. And as I looked at her walk, I thought, what a sexy walk she has. She walks like a runway model when she gets back.
She sits down next to me and I said, listen, I got to tell you something. You have the sexiest walk I've seen since the Obama administration. I could not take my eyes off you when you walk. And she blushed and she swooned a little bit. And she touched me and leaned in and said, well, you know, I used to do some modeling in my 20s. And all of a sudden, just by giving her that sexy compliment, I had changed the romantic.
tone of the date from more friendly to romantic and we were pretty much all over each other at that point and all i did was tell her that there was something specific about her that so when you give her the sexy compliment make sure it's a trait or it's not something purely about her physique so don't say you have sexy or a sexy body that might be true but those are common cliched compliments that other guys give you want to compliment her intelligence
her wit her laugh her walk something that she does or something that she is another quick story on my first date with my now girlfriend jess the love of my life my schmoopy as i call her that's our pet name on my first date with jess i was blown away by how witty and funny she is and i said hey you know what's really sexy about you
sure you're pretty anybody could see that but you're so quick with it you're so quick on your feet i'm just trying to keep up with you that's very sexy to me and she later told me that that made her Because women are used to surface-level compliments about their looks. Give her a deeper, more impactful compliment. Tell her a trait that you find sexy or attractive, and that's going to keep you out of that friend zone. sure. Here's first date move number four. Find emotional commonality.
this will allow you to connect with any woman emotionally so here's the tip the tip is you want to find out what you and she feel the same way about rather than trying to find informational You may or may not have things in common with your date. Maybe you didn't both go to the same college. Maybe you don't like the same music or like the same movies. However, you can always find certain emotional... you can find things that you feel the same way.
for example from my dating life on my first date with my now girlfriend jess we didn't have a lot in common we don't like the same music we don't really know the same movies i'm a bit older than she is so we don't have the same frame of reference however we found out we both feel the same way about We also found out that we both love cats, love dogs, We hate hiking. We hate joggers. We don't hate joggers. We just hate people who jog. So we found certain things that we feel the same.
So if you can find specific informational things you have in common, that's fine. But what's going to be much more impactful is finding that you have emotional commonalities more so than information.
so maybe you feel the same way about travel or you feel the same way about a certain kind of food or certain kinds of cuisine so look for the emotional commonalities not just the information that's how you can emotionally connect with any woman here's first date move number five be physically expressive and touch her the right way what's the right way to touch a woman well it's to have a reason Look, I'm not the first dating guru who tells you to break the touch.
But you probably have never heard this tip before. You want to have a reason for the touch. If you have a reason for the touch, it will make sense to her. If you don't have a reason for the touch, it'll be creepy and weird. Here's something I saw at a bar. saw this guy on a date and he put his hand on this woman's knee and just left it there and i could see her body language just get uncomfortable because he was just putting his hand on her knee for no reason at all he didn't have a reason
always have a reason to touch a woman on a first date. Here's some perfectly good, charming, normal, gentlemanly reasons to touch a woman. You could give her a high five when you agree with... You could touch her shoulder as you're expressing something. As you're making a point, you could touch her shoulder or perhaps touch her knee.
one of my favorites is you can inspect her jewelry early on in a date you do the jewelry inspection which is you take her hand briefly and you look at the ring she's wearing or the bracelet and you say, oh, tell me, what's the story behind this ring, behind this bracelet? and you're touching her and then you give her her hand back. You don't keep it and what this does is this gets her comfortable with your physical expressiveness and then read the room.
figure out if she's liking your touch does she touch you back does she touch your knee does she touch your shoulder and your shirt when she compliments you now you can keep it going if she doesn't touch you back If she seems at all uncomfortable, then stop. Obviously. You want to read the room, notice how she's feeling. Some women love physical touch. Some women don't.
And some women need a little bit of time to get comfortable being physical with a guy. So don't listen to those dating gurus who just say, you must break the physical barrier with all women. Touch, touch, touch. Kino, Kino, Kino. Ew. That is gross. That is weird. That is miscalibrated. There's no empathy there. It's okay to touch a woman. Do it in small doses early on. High five.
you can do the jewelry inspection and after you both get comfortable with each other maybe in the middle of the date then you hold Then at the end of the date, you might go for that first kiss after you've stair-stepped your way to that kind of physical.
escalation so don't just touch a woman randomly make sure that you are physically expressive but notice how she's feeling and always have a reason for the touch here's another story from my dating past I dated briefly a beautiful, incredible woman who's a personal trainer, a really fit, beautiful, intelligent personal trainer.
On our first date, we were talking about her job. And I said, make a muscle for me. And she made a muscle. And I said, whoa, look at these guns. You could totally kick my butt. I had a reason to touch her and that made it normal, charming, or at least not creepy. And I got her comfortable with me showing some physical expressiveness. So again, always have a reason for the touch.
You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped.
using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.
On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. First date move number six, find out what makes her interesting or special and then reflect that back to her.
I love this tip because it's so easy on a date to make your focus, how can I get her to like me? How can I make her appreciate me, be attracted to me? That's understandable to think that way, but it's the wrong thing to think about. It just puts you in the wrong... i'd much rather you adopt this mindset find out what makes her fascinating or find out what makes her special, and then let her know what you see in her. This is so powerful.
Because it's authentic, it's honest, and it shows her that you see the real her. For example, one of my first dates after the pandemic ended was with a really cool, cute girl I met on Bumble. Her name is Emma. Her name is Emma. I just remember. And on my first date with Emma, I was really just loving how playful and silly she is. She's really good at banter. She's very silly and very funny.
obviously i have a type i like i like smart funny women and i remember on the date i reflected back to her i said you know what's really special about you And she said, what? And I said, I say these quirky, unusual things, and you just go with it. You just get in the bumper car with me, and we're driving around in this verbal bumper.
and that's really special i think that's really cool that you love to just talk about five different things at once and she said thank you no one's ever said that to me before and it made the date go so much better I had another first date once with a woman, a woman named Jessica. And Jessica is an artist. She's a sculptor.
And I said, you know, what's really special about you or fascinating to me? She said, what? And I said, I love that you are so creative as a way to connect yourself with your. Basically, she came from a whole family of artists.
and i said i think that's fascinating that the way you connect with your parents is through art and she said wow i never thought about that but you're right so here's a great mission to give yourself on a first date stop saying how do i get her to like me and start saying how can i discover what's fascinating about and reflect it back to her, you're going to be that rare guy who is holding up a mirror to her, making her feel so special and so unique. And guess what?
she's gonna want to see you again because you're that rare one percent man who sees and appreciates the real her here's first date move number seven go for the first kiss the right way first here's the wrong way to go for it's to say um is it okay if i kiss you now Look, I'm all about consent in all parts of dating, but it's just not sexy to timidly ask a woman permission.
i'd much rather you go for that first kiss in a way that gets her consent but that doesn't do it in a in a timid weak way so here are three ways the first way to get the first kiss is i call this the close your eyes first kiss move you simply look at her and you say close your eyes Now by saying close your eyes, you're subtly but clearly telling her, I'm going to kiss you.
If she closes her eyes, she is basically saying, you can kiss me. And then of course, kiss her. If she doesn't close her eyes, if she blushes or if she turns away and says, no, what are you doing? I'm not going to close my eyes.
she's telling you i'm not ready to kiss you yet but she's going to appreciate the fact that you're even thinking about it and you're going to be dialing up that romance so try the close your eyes kiss move if she closes going for the kiss if she doesn't you can say i wasn't gonna kiss you ew gross you have cooties why would i want to kiss you and you still get points for for trying without getting Here's the next first kiss move. I call this the you know what happens first kiss.
during a conversation when you want to go for that first kiss but you're not sure how to do it in a smooth way all you need to do is listen to something And then you take a couple words and you say this to her. Well, you know what happens to women who blank. they get kissed and then as you say they get kissed you move in and kiss her so for example let's say you and she are talking about
She's talking about how she broke her leg skiing when she was in college. During this conversation, you say to her, well, you know what happens to women who break their legs skiing, right? she'll say what and you say as you move in they get kissed and then you move in So all you have to do is grab a few words from a previous sentence that she had just said. So this creates a bridge. You grab a phrase she says, you use it as a bridge with the you know what happened.
i love this one because it helps her see that this that the kiss is coming and it allows you to kiss her without it feeling like jarring and out of nowhere so give that one a try if that and my final first kiss move this is so simple this is my personal favorite from back in the day and also my clients love this it's simply you simply say i want to
in that moment when you want to go for the kiss if you're afraid if you fear that she's going to turn the cheek you look her in the eye you smile a playful flirty smile and you say hey i want to kiss and don't say anything for a minute or a second. Then she'll tell you what to do next.
Because if she's ready to be kissed, she'll tell you, she'll let you know. She'll say, go ahead. What are you waiting for? If she says, oh no, I don't like PDA. I'm not ready to kiss yet. That's fine. You've just given her an out without... putting that kiss that she doesn't want on her. So she'll appreciate the fact that you're giving her a chance to consent, which is great. And that's gentlemanly and wonderful.
so again i don't like timidly asking for a kiss i love the i want to kiss you because there's just something sexy and cool and masculine combined with empathetic about looking at a woman and saying, I want to kiss. Because you're giving her a chance to say yes or no. and if she says what are you waiting for boom make out time and if she this has happened to me on dates by the way i've used this move and a woman said oh no i don't like pda and i said no worries
I just wanted to let you know I wanted to kiss you. There's something so sexy to women about a man saying what he wants. especially when what he wants is to kiss her. And this woman I'm thinking of who said, I don't like PDA, as soon as we got out of the bar, it was a rainy night. we got out of the bar we have our ring our umbrellas out and then she gave me these big eyes that said now
And had I not given her the I want to kiss you move earlier, I don't think she would have given me the green light once we stepped outside. But she loved that I wanted to go for it. She also loved that I didn't force a kiss on her at the wrong moment. and then we kissed outside it was romantic it was fantastic and the night ended in a very good way okay it's time for the bonus tip i love this i'm gonna give you my favorite first date game
I don't mean playing games in the manipulative sense. I mean literally playing games. I love games on first dates. I love staring contests. i love thumb wrestling i love making up games in the moment but here's one you can plan and practice and this works so well it's called five I'm going to do it for you right now. Basically as if we're on a date or the way I would do it.
and you're going to want to go back and rewind this video and get the syntax but here it is i call this the five questions game and you want to do it on a first date you want to do it in the first third or half of the date and this is a great way to get out of like boring get to know you first date small talk and do something fun and play you're doing a bar bet where you're going to trick her but in a nice way into losing this bet and you'll want to play this game for a drink if it's a
first date at a bar. You could play for a beverage, a drink. So you'll win the game and she'll buy you a drink too, which is great. So here we go. I call this the five questions game. It goes like this. Hey, I have an idea. I want to play a game with you. It's called Five Questions. Here's how the game works.
I'm going to ask you five questions. And for you to win this game, all you have to do is get all five questions wrong. If you get a single question right, you lose. And she'll say, oh, that's okay. That's weird. That's different in a good way. and so here's how the game works i'm telling you now my viewer uh you're gonna ask her the first the the questions you're gonna ask are gonna be incredibly basic they're gonna be very simple questions like what is my first
What year is it? Who's the president? Blindingly simple questions, okay? And then you're going to throw a trick question at her. So here's how it goes. So you're going to say, great, here we go. Five questions. Just get them all wrong. Here we go. We're playing for a drink.
Question number one, and you want to say the number of the first question. Question number one, what is my first name? She'll say something wrong. Frank, your first name's Frank. And then you'll say, ah, good job. You got it wrong. So far, so good.
Then the next question and you're gonna want to use a very specific tone of voice when you ask almost like a game show host you'd be like okay here we go question number here's the next question question number two and then ask her another super obvious question it could be like what dating app did you One woman I asked that to said, Grindr, which is not correct, but funny. You're giving her an opportunity to let her sense of humor come out. So she's going to love this game.
so she'll get that second question wrong and you'll say good job all right so far so good and then you do a third one you say um who is the president of the united She'll say something wrong. Big Bird. By the way, I would totally vote for Big Bird. Absolutely. Anyway, she'll say the wrong answer and you'll go, ah, all right, you are crushing.
Okay, now, right now, here's the moment of truth to win the game. So you have asked her three questions and she's gotten them all wrong. Now you're going to do this. You're going to say, wait, how many was that so far? so you're going to change your vocal tonality from game show you to hold on a second how many was that how many questions was that that's what to ask her how many questions was that
She'll give you the real answer. She'll say, oh, that was three. And then you say, you lose. I got it. Because she just answered the secret fourth question. She answered it correctly. And so you're gonna, it's a gotcha. It's a gotcha question. And that's how you win the game. So notice how the change in my vocal tonality.
makes her think that I'm not actually playing the game right now. I'm asking her a question. So I'm giving her a chance to help me. What she doesn't know is this fourth question is the trick question. She'll say, oh, that was three. That was three you've asked me. You'll say, gotcha, you lose. i'll take a vodka soda or maybe some scotch depends on how much money you brought it's great you're gonna see her head explode in a good way it lets you trash talk
You could say something like this after the fourth question that you took her on. You can say, oh, man, you're so pretty. You're so cute. Too bad you're not good at games. Too bad you're terrible at answering questions.
So you can flirt a little bit you can tease her a little bit and of course Make sure she buys you that drink. Don't let her off the hook I've gotten a lot of drinks on dates from women using this game it's fun it's playful feel free to practice this game with your friends practice it with people in your life it doesn't have to be a bar bet you could just practice this game with a few people before you try It's a great thing to do early on on a first date. because you know, you're both nervous.
You want it to go well. And the five questions game is a great way to get you both laughing, joking. She's going to be hanging on your every word. You get to tease her a little bit. When you win the game, you can trash talk. a fun vibe and then you also get a free drink. So try the questions game or the five questions game. I've done it literally a hundred times and I've never ever had a woman win. So I hope it works for you.