106 Nathalie Himmelrich | When Loss Reshapes Our Circle: Navigating Friendship After Grief and Trauma

Thank you so much , and for more information , please visit Natalie's website , join the podcast Instagram page and subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates on future episodes . Hi and welcome back to how to Deal with Grief and Trauma . I'm your host , natalie Himlerich , grief and trauma therapist , author and companion on this often unpredictable path of healing .

Today we're exploring something deeply human and , for many of us walking through grief , deeply complicated Friendship . When we experience a significant loss or trauma , our friendships can undergo major changes , like some people step in and some people step out , and sometimes the most surprising people become our lifelines .

Researching for my first book , grieving Parents Surviving Loss as a Couple , I came across this beautiful metaphor by Catherine Wudevis that I want to begin with . In her essay A New Normal 10 Things I've Learned About Trauma , she talks about how trauma survivors often relay on two types of people , and they're either called firefighters or builders .

Now let me explain . The firefighters are the ones who show up in the heat of the crisis . They come with urgency , immediacy and often without hesitation , just like a firefighter needs to do , and they are there when the emotional house is on fire . They might bring you food , stay up with you through the night or just hold space while you fall apart .

Then the builders they , on the other hand , they come later . They don't always show up during the fire , but they come with tools , with presence and with patience to help you reconstruct your world . In the aftermath , builders are the people who sit with you in the quiet of what comes next . So what it is .

She says that it's rare for one person to be both both firefighters and builders , and understanding that might help many people like you and also did myself , to release unrealistic expectations and appreciate the unique roles that different friends can play on our journey of dealing with grief and trauma .

So in this episode I want to talk about a couple of different things . So one , the unexpected people we meet through our losses and friends we lose after grief , and why this happens .

Especially also the pain of mourning someone who is still alive , which is what can happen when a friend who was a friend before loss or trauma distanced themselves , or we need to distance ourselves , and the idea of shelving a friendship for now without throwing it away forever .

So we'll explore how grief shapes the social landscape that we're walking in , that we can learn from it and how we can navigate friendships with more , hopefully , grace and honesty , while honoring also our own way of dealing with our trauma , with our grief and healing . So the first part is the unexpected gifts . I call that the friends we made through loss .

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection , not because you had years of shared memories , but because they got it ? Maybe it was someone in a group or a fellow parent at a remembrance event , or a friend of a friend who reached out after your loss or trauma and just listened , for example .

These are the friendships born through loss People we have never met before but who become anchors , companions and kindred spirits In my journey . There are people I now hold so close , people I had never met before . My daughter passed away and we came together drawn by a shared wound , a mutual understanding that didn't need to be explained .

Many of those people have become my podcast guests that I have had a deep connection from just one episode . So these might be people with whom we can cry without warning or who don't flinch at the messy truth , who know when silence is more comforting than words .

And these kind of friendships are often accelerated like we bypass the small talk and go straight to the soul . I love that . So if you're in the midst of grief and trauma and wondering whether you'll ever feel seen again , maybe your people just haven't arrived yet . But they will , and often in the most unexpected ways .

But they will , and often in the most unexpected ways . The second part is secondary losses , so they could be friends who drift or disappear . It can also be things that we lose as an effect of our primary losses or trauma , so this is called secondary losses . So we're going to focus here especially on loss of friendships .

This can be incredibly painful to realize that someone who you consider a close friend simply isn't there for you after you've experienced a significant loss or trauma . Maybe they disappeared , maybe they checked in once and never again , or maybe they even said something hurtful or unintentionally didn't really help what they did , or worse , they said nothing at all .

Sometimes people can't handle our grief or how we deal with our trauma because it brings up their own . Sometimes they don't know what to say and choose silence , and sometimes they're just not emotionally equipped for the hard times , but they might be your friend in the good times . Even if we understand that intellectually , emotionally it can feel like abandonment .

You're already grieving and dealing with so much , and now you're grieving the person who used to bring you comfort or soup when you were sick , or who just knew your favorite kind of chocolate , for example , or who promised to be there no matter what , and it's okay to mourn that too , and it's okay to name it as a loss .

That too , and it's okay to name it as a loss . The third part I want to talk about is the invisible grief , which is when we're mourning the living .

So , in the example of a friend who disappeared , there's also other ways in which people can become estranged or not responding to your text or your calls , and that is a unique kind of heartache that comes with mourning someone who is still alive .

As I said , it might be a friend who ghosted you , or a relationship that has drifted without explanation , someone who caught contact and you don't even know why . This is really confusing because there is no funeral , no ritual , no special or social permission to grieve .

But the ache is real and what comes with it is the confusion , because we don't have an understanding of why often . So this kind of grief is really disorienting , as I said , because it carries uncertainty . You might ask yourself do I reach out ? Do I let go ? Do they even miss me ? What was the reason ?

And sometimes there is guilt or shame or this endless internal dialogue about what went wrong . You are allowed to grieve someone who is still breathing . You are even allowed to light a candle for them or , if that's good for you , you are allowed to cry , scream or feel numb or journal about it .

You often don't feel closure about that loss , and it's just good to know you don't need closure to feel the loss . Then the fourth part I wanted to talk about is a term I often use called shelving , which is like pressing pause but not delete .

So it means putting a friendship or a relationship on the shelf , not throwing it away , not cutting ties , but simply pausing it , especially after a significant loss that some of the friends that you might have cannot relate to , or they might be really triggering due to what is happening in their life for you .

Maybe they just had a baby as well and you wanted to have a child and your child died in stillbirth . Sometimes a friendship like that might who might used to feel really supportive , has become triggering .

So maybe they're in a season of joy and you're in deep grief , or maybe their approach to healing is completely different and they say things like just get over it . Or you can have another child , as an example with the stillbirth , and maybe it's just too much right now . So shelving is a conscious act .

It says I care about you , but I can't hold this right now . It's not rejection , it's self-preservation .

Now , people who you shelve Whether you are open about it or whether you do that just for you , they might not understand , they might feel ghosted , but in the sense of where you are in the moment , with dealing with grief and trauma , self-preservation and self-care is the first priority .

And the beautiful thing is some of these friendships do come back , maybe months later or even years later , and often with more maturity , more understanding and more capacity . So shelving , if needed , is not failure , it's boundaries . It's being honest about what you can and what you can't deal with in this moment .

It's choosing to honor your needs without burning every bridge . So now the last part is how can we find a new language and make peace ? Because friendships like grief are messy and layered and grief , we know , is not just about death . It's about identity change , disconnection and sometimes reinvention .

So , as we walk this path , it's okay to seek out new connections that meet you where you are , let go of the ones who can't Grieve , the friendships that have changed , and hold hope for reconnection when it feels right . Because , even though that's difficult for the brain to capture , sometimes healing means making peace with ambiguity .

The brain sort of loves either or , but a lot of that is simultaneous to emotions at the same time or this ambiguity . Sometimes it means sending love without expectation and sometimes it means whispering thank you to someone who's no longer in your life . And sometimes it might also mean picking up the phone and saying I miss you . Can we talk ?

Picking up the phone and saying I miss you , can we talk ? So before we wrap up , I want to leave you with this thought Friendships , like all relationships , are living things . They breathe , they grow , they rest , they change , they hurt , they heal , they return .

The most important thing to understand about relationship is the rupture and repair cycle , understanding that every relationship goes through rupture , a misunderstanding or disagreement . The question is , how do we , when do we repair ?

And for that it requires a conscious decision and in grief , the ones who matter most are the ones who sit beside you without trying to fix you . So if today's episode stirred something in you and if you're longing for more conversation like this , leave us a comment in the show notes , send us a text , and I have also something special to share .

I've actually just launched a new podcast with my great friend , tori Press , the brilliant mind behind the social account called Revelatory on Instagram , and the podcast is called what the Mental Health . It's honest , raw and sometimes irreverent , and always from the heart .

We talk about mental health side of grief , loss , anxiety , identity and all the beautifully complicated things that come with being human . So if you're looking for a space to feel less alone , more understood and maybe even laugh a little , join us there .

You can find what the Mental Health wherever you listen to a podcast and I will obviously put the link in the show notes . So thank you for being here today and for listening , for feeling and for showing up . Until next time , be gentle with yourself and remember , even in grief and trauma , you are not alone .

To support this podcast , please rate , review and subscribe to or follow the podcast on Apple , spotify or wherever you get your podcasts . Thank you , and remember to keep reading . I promise it will get easier .