1159: Precise Word-for-Word Scripts For Flourishing at Work with Erin McGoff

Hyper helpful scripts for every situation, which we're discussing today. So you'll learn one how to get a raise with just a few words, two, how to set boundaries like a pro, and three, the one phrase to stop using a work. And if you want a quick summary write-up of the actionable wisdom that Aaron shares, I recommend you sign up for our free Gold Nugget email newsletter found at awesomeatyourjob.com. I'm Pete McKitis. This is how to be awesome at your job, and now here's Aaron.

and to understand that small talk is as old as humans are themselves and that it's a really, really important thing to master in order to develop rapport with people. So sometimes people are a little surprised as an introvert myself that I'm I'm so pro small talk, but It really is a very, very important thing to master.

that's like a really golden time for you to showcase your professionalism and your maturity and how capable and competent you are. And a lot of people think, oh well, small talk is just so cringy and I'm I'm just so much deeper than that. But it's you need to just get out of that mindset because it really doesn't do you any favors. So that's kind of like generally my advice is just to get out of mindsets that aren't doing you any favors and get into mindsets that are.

What's the deepest fear you're wrestling with right now? Like, what? I don't who are you? Why would I tell you that out of the gate? You know, and so it's sort of like there needs to be some kind of a bridge or stairway between just meeting or silence and the really deep stuff that turns into a strong relationship.

I always was kind of frustrated with a lot of career advice. It felt very vague to me. Speak to your strengths, walk in your truth. And I'm like, what does that sound like though? I need examples. So I really wanted to write a book that democratized access to really high quality soft career advice.

And not only did that, but also gave people hyper helpful, like very, very helpful scripts and examples of what to say in certain scenarios, how exactly to network, you know, without being cringy or how to negotiate without accidentally being rude. Because a lot of us We we want to do things. We want to ask for a raise.

The only thing that's actually holding us back is the fear of coming off offensive or the fear of failure. Lots of fears. So I wanted to write a book that was designed to supercharge people's confidence by giving them the tools and the scripts to actually speak what they want into existence.

And he said, I I read your book, I read the chapter, I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna try it. And he updated me this morning that he was able to negotiate a 10% increase. And that was just probably three minutes of using mouth sounds and it made cash appear instantly. And so that's the power I want people to understand is if you can just use your mouth sounds right. You can make cash appear out of thin air. So I have tons of stories. Yeah.

They're words and it's like no need to get all worked up about'em. But almost like sort of this ma well, the magic words for a a genie or or something.

Well so well, since we're on this example, what are the the mouth sounds or the magic words for yeah, I'd like uh you to pay me ten percent more?

And it's so important to stay aligned on your shared goal. The recruiter or whoever is negotiating the deal with you, they want to hire you. They have an incentive because their job is to get somebody in the role. The company needs somebody to do a job.

You can do the job, they offered it to you. So don't be scared. In the United States culture, negotiating your salary is a given. It's what they expect. You know, they rarely give you the best offer or the highest offer they can. And if they do, they oftentimes will say, That was this is the highest offer, by the way. Like we we can't go any higher.

I always say it's kinda like if you're you're looking at two pairs of jeans and everybody says, Oh, they're just gonna go with the cheaper candidate. And it's like, do you just always go with the cheaper jeans? No, you go with the jeans that look the best on you and they're the highest quality and they're the best value for what you're getting.

So it's kind of important to productize yourself, which sounds odd, but to go to them and say, Hey, I really want to make this work. I want to sign this paperwork today. In order to do that, here's the salary that I'm looking for. And here's here are the three reasons why I bring this additional value to the role.

So it's really important to remember that I always say it's not personal, it's just professional. This is just a business transaction. You're gonna provide a service to them and they're gonna pay you. And a a mindset shift that people find really helpful is I like to think about myself as like a vendor or a freelancer and I'm not necessarily like begging for this job.

But rather I bring a certain specialty and skill set to the company and I'm going to alleviate problems and I'm going to use my professional skill to improve the company and to provide value. And they're going to pay you. And so you're just negotiating what this proper rate is. Everything's made up. The uh salaries are changing all the time. Do your research, but also make sure that you are getting paid what you think that you're worth and

You'd be surprised how well uh a negotiation can work. It's just a few minutes of awkwardness for, like I said, cold hard cash.

I'll probably either give it to you if I can, or you just be be really clear about what why I can't. And and then I but I think that's a good feeling to know. That you explore that rock. You know, okay, well, I tried and this is I they I believe them when they said that's the highest they can go. That's cool. Okay.

for yourself. It's not other people's responsibility to set your boundaries. People will generally take what they can get from you. So it's important to show people what they can't expect from you and what they can't expect from you. So it's important to learn how to say no in professional ways. And something I love is, oh, I'm currently at capacity. So let me give you an example. So say your boss is just throwing things on your plate.

Instead of getting bitter and frustrated at your boss, oh, why don't they understand that they're overloading me, they're stressing me out, I'm I'm drowning as it is. First of all, give everybody the benefit of the doubt. Your boss's job isn't to

micromanage everything you do. They're not inside your brain. Their job is to do your job and your job is to do your job. So you have to communicate with them. And so let's say they put yet another thing on your plate and you're like, I just I I can't do this. Instead of going to your boss and saying, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed out, I can't do this all.

That's just giving them another problem. And every manager hates that. Instead, you always want to come to your boss with solutions. So you want to say, hey, I noticed that you gave me another task today. I currently focus on this task. Which would you like me to prioritize?

And then you're giving them, oh, huh, which client is more important? Which one can we shift? Which one can we move to Monday? You're giving them something to work with. So saying I'm currently a capacity with client A's presentation.

I know that you want me to focus on client B. Which one would you like me to prioritize today? And which one would you like me to postpone to Monday? And that way, that is like music to a manager's ears because then they have something to work with and they're not just dealing with your stress and your problems, but you're providing them a potential solution.

Or mean, you know, along the lines of like, Well, Aaron, we expect you to be able to walk at you come at the same time here. It's like, Well, you know, hey, Aaron, actually both of those are critical, so make'em both happen and don't whine to me about this. So anyway, I feel like that's a bit more edgy than the vast majority of managers will communicate, but they may well convey something along those lines in a more diplomatic, professional way.

So what do you what do you think about that in terms of one, can you deflate my fears like that happens almost never? Or two, do you have the the follow-up for when they're pushing back on your pushback?

Again, don't make it personal, keep it professional. I always recommend when people are coming to their boss with like a complaint or an issue that they reframe a personal problem as a professional concern. So instead of saying, I'm personally so overwhelmed.

All they're hearing is you're not competent, you can't get it done. A bad boss, a good boss will work with it, but a bad boss is just hearing they're not competent. Instead you want to turn it into a professional concern. Hey, I know client A is a really, really important client. And I really want to make sure that we get this report done right and on time. I have this much capacity today, and I want to make sure that we have time for both.

So can you work with me to figure out a solution here to make sure that we can get both reports out the door? Again, align your goals. Always be aligning your goals. The boss wants the reports out the door. You also want the reports out the door, but you it's impossible right now to get that done as is. So you wanna come to them and say, our goals are aligned here, but the strategies the the car is broken down. It's not gonna work.

And then present them with a solution. James has a lighter workload today. Would you mind if I gave him the remainder of project A so I could just focus on cl on project B? And maybe give them like a worse second option or something like that. Just give them options.

Page of my book, I talk about the desired outcome. So is your desired outcome from this conversation your boss understanding that you're stressed? No, your desired outcome is working on one thing at a time. Yeah. So always keep uh the first thing, the first thing, and yeah, keep those goals aligned.

Stick it to the man, you know, those videos always go viral, but it doesn't work in real life. So I try to give like very realistic advice. And again, it always goes back to that desired outcome, aligning your goals and talking about workflows and solutions. And yes, when it does come to time based activities, like that can be really tricky. Like if your boss is just like you need to stay late.

Remember that that's not a sustainable solution. So like sometimes yeah, you might need to stay late at work. You might need to get something done. I'm like very pro working hard. I I'm not anti working hard. I think people should prove themselves at work, but I also believe in working smart. And working a long time doesn't necessarily mean that you're working hard or working smart. It just means that you're working a long time. So it's always important to collaborate with your boss.

I like to have things in writing too, like send them an email and be like, these are all the things that need to get done in the next 12 hours. Even if I stay working until midnight, that's not gonna happen. So again, just working with them, keeping it positive, keeping it solution oriented.

I'm willing to put in this extra effort because I want this goal or promotion. However, I'd really appreciate being able to come in at noon tomorrow as a way of catching up on sleep or you know something like that. Always offer different solutions.

more blunt and plain, people tend to not like me very much. So I d I use fillers uh intentionally, which people are always really interested to hear about, because I'm probably one of the only communication experts out there that is not telling you to tone it down. Now, some people certainly need to tone it down. But I'm not a hater of of fillers in general, especially in conversations like this. It's you don't wanna sound too robotic.

But a phrase that I think is really helpful to get rid of in a professional and personal setting is the phrase I don't have time. I boss I didn't have time to do this. I don't have time for that. People just really don't like hearing that you don't have time. And it's also not helpful to you because there's no such thing as not having time for something. There's not making it a priority. And you can't make everything a priority. And that's just that.

And this is really, really helpful for people on an individual level because When you say I don't have time, you're taking your power away from yourself. You're saying I'm not the driver's seat in my own life. I don't have time for anything. I'm flustered. I'm flailing. I'm all over the place. But when you say, I don't have the ability to make this a priority right now, you're putting yourself back in a place of power. And you're saying, I have control over my life. I can control over my days.

I'm not in a position to make this, you know, make this a priority right now. And maybe that's updating your portfolio or cooking homemade meals. It's totally fine if sometimes you don't have the ability to make everything a priority. So I'm really a a fan of using language that empowers yourself, even when it's way more fun sometimes. to use language that disempowers yourself and and lets you be a victim. I'm typically a a fan of putting yourself back in the driver's seat, even when it's hard.

is false on its own, but is only true in some context. You have to do this in order to achieve a particular result subject to some particular, you know, constraints and commitments. So but that's a lot of words.

And a lot of the times it's really true and really right. And you're like totally fine for saying that. Like boss, you suck. Like your boss might suck. I I totally agree. However, it's always important to remember what your goals are. So a great example is when you're quitting your job. A lot of people, especially if you've been working for a bad boss, which is unfortunate.

want to tell off their boss. And it totally makes sense that you want to tell off your boss. That's what you do in your personal life. Somebody's being rude to you or disrespecting you. It makes sense. There is a way to do this though that stings so much more and protects you from the r negative repercussions. And that's playing chess and not checkers. So playing checkers would be

I'm quitting. You're the worst boss ever. I hate working here. You suck. I hope I never see you again. Hey, that's all true, fine and dandy. That's all of power to you. You're expressing your emotions. doesn't benefit you because five minutes after you walk out of their office, that will that stink will follow you. And

You'd be surprised how small the world is. And I'm not saying that you need to get your boss to love you, but I'm saying that there is a professional way to leave your job. You can say, Hey, I'm putting in my two weeks today. Thank you so much for my time here. I would love to provide feedback if if possible. If not, that's fine. But uh, you know, April 6th would be my last day.

Just keep it short and sweet and then you can provide professional feedback, whether that's to HR or in an exit interview. And that is so much more painful than effective because they're doing it in a professional way. So they're not getting distracted by your personal emotions, but rather it's professional feedback.

And you can go to a glass store and you can scream in a pillow and and go to kickboxing classes and get it out in a healthy way. I always recommend getting out your emotions in a healthy way and expressing them, but do it in a way that benefits you and doesn't accidentally back backfire and hurt you down the line.

And so the book is very, very much about how can you strategically use your words to get what you want, maybe in a way that seems counterintuitive at first, but over the course of time will pay off.

And we all tend to have this internal dialogue that's hypercritical, not very positive, and it takes work to kind of train yourself out of that. And so something I always say is to be your own best friend. Next time you mess up at work and you say, Oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot. I'm always messing things up. I don't deserve to be here. Everybody's gonna figure out I'm such a fraud and a failure, pretend your friend is saying that.

And how would you respond to them? You'd say, you're not a failure, you're not an imposter, you just you messed up a spreadsheet. It's really not a big deal. Just go in and fix it. Let your boss know and move on with your day. Like kind of get used to like talking to yourself inside your head. It sounds neurotic and nuts, but once you get in the habit of doing it, you become very, very kind.

Yourself, but you also become stronger because you're able to deal with obstacles and issues and challenges much better. You're able to overcome things much, much quicker. So before talking to anybody else, this is how I open up a book, is you need to first figure out how you're talking to yourself. and make that into a healthier conversation and dialogue. And it takes a little bit of work at first, but over the course of time it becomes much, much easier. And then

You treat others how we tend to treat ourselves. So you tend to treat others with more kindness and empathy and dignity. And that gets you so far. I always say, like manners go so far. You'd be shocked. And how many people come into an interview and don't even say thank you at the end. I don't know if it's because they were never trained to or because they're entitled or maybe they just forgot and that happens too, but just saying thank you, please.

I really appreciate that. Like just these little tiny things can go so, so, so far. So the devil is really in the details. But yeah, my overarching advice is that if you're looking to improve your communication with other people, first improve your communication with yourself.

in in terms of like I you know, I maybe I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to take care of business, you know, in a couple of days. But to to be able to just like, hey, you know what, Pete, it's actually been it's been a pretty hard couple of weeks here. You know, they they cut down my beautiful forest view.

To make a some a new house, which is not yeah, not fun. I'm listening to the beep beep beep of the the construction machines. You know, I'm sick. You know, like so it's a number of things. And so it's like so it's Kinda makes sense that uh it's not your most uber productive day in the record books, given the context you you find yourself in. And so in a way, it feels silly to speak to yourself in that way and yet It's very soothing.

It's almost like a sweet, motherly word of encouragement to your four-year-old self. And I was like, you know, you know what? That's right.

Any pro tips on if if we're feeling some awkwardness there or we're not accustomed to engaging ourselves in this sort of a kind conversation? How do we kind of get more in that groove?

when you're brushing your teeth, just look in the mirror and be like, just just think. I'm gonna have a great day. Like I'm I'm really good at my job. Like people like me. People like working with me. Those affirmations sound really silly. And a lot of people would kind of you know roll their eyes at that and scoff.

However, they're really effective on a neurological basis. And I think if you can just look in the mirror, say three things, you know, I'm gonna have a good day, people love working with me, I'm gonna crush this project. Like you can get specific about it too. It will turn into a habit. Yeah. Just slowly over time. And at first it'll feel really weird. Sometimes when I encourage people to do that, they say, I'm not doing it.

And it makes me really sad because in that moment I'm like, oh my gosh, you are so mean to yourself that you can't even be nice to yourself for a five seconds. And it's very, very sad to me. And I just say, what happened to you where you feel like you can't be kind to yourself? It's tough. People grew up in really rough households and really rough childhoods and they they learned that the only way to survive is to hate themselves. And so things can get pretty deep pretty quick sometimes.

And what's interesting about that is well, one, I think that's the case for all conversation, is like, well, if you've never done it before, everything feels weird and silly and awkward the first time you do it, just straight up as as a fact of learning and how that works. But secondly. I find it encouraging that the affirmations you spoke, we had Hal Elrod on the show talking about, you know, make your affirmations truthful.

i in terms of like like money flows to me effortlessly it's like no it really doesn't actually I can't really have to hustle. So I I think what's one of my latest affirmations, which I I I find it it's like it's really true. And I actually assembled the evidence for it. I wrote it down. Because sometimes I can get in like a negative loop is that, and this is just objectively true, sometimes things work out better than you expect.

So I think that's kind of the sweet spot for affirmations. It's not the was it Gordon smiley or I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, a dog on it, people like me. But rather, hey, here's something that is true. And when I bring that back to the forefront of my awareness. It provides encouragement.

What's the worst that could happen? And then you work your way backwards from there to be like, okay, well I I go into debt. And then you talk about how you would rectify like the situation. And I think that that's really effective. And I think that if you can just work through it and be really realistic with yourself, like

I had this big presentation today. I think it's gonna go great'cause I'm super capable. And if it doesn't, here's what I'm gonna do. I think that's really, really effective. I I like to give as realistic of advice as possible. So I I really enjoyed what you said.

And I encourage anybody listening, go go read the study, go watch a YouTube video about it. I think it's absolutely fascinating because there are a lot of interesting studies out there, but I don't hear people talk about the liking gap very often. And it can be very, very validating if you're somebody who's socially anxious.

This is definitely a practice worth repeating. Great stuff from Aaron. If you want to check out the show notes or the transcript or the links to items that we've referenced, please drop on by awesome at your job.com slash EP1159. Hope to catch you next time and peace.