Most people dread it. Some people avoid it at all costs. We’ll skip the networking events, duck behind a big display in the store, or avoid eye contact in a public place. What am I talking about? Small talk. It’s something we all have to do, but we almost universally despise. Our question this episode: what can we do to make small talk less painful and more productive? The inspiration from this episode comes from a recent presentation I gave at the MIT Media Lab. I was talking about being an int...
Oct 05, 2019•21 min•Season 2Ep. 51
A listener asks: How do you deal with a drama queen when they are a close friend? How do you know it is someone being a drama queen and not you being sensitive? Those are our questions in this 50th episode of How Can I Say This.... Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Sep 21, 2019•33 min•Season 1Ep. 50
There are lots of “F” words that we’re supposed to avoid in the workplace. Fear. Failure. Flirting. Fighting. And of course, the word to end all “F” words, which I won’t say because I like to avoid an explicit rating! But there’s another F word, and this one we avoid at our peril: Feelings. Our question this episode: how can we talk about our feelings at work? My guest today is Melanie Katzman, PhD, author of the forthcoming book, "Connect First: 52 Simple Ways to Ignite Success, Meaning, and Jo...
Sep 13, 2019•25 min•Season 1Ep. 49
How many meetings or events have you attended this past week? Maybe you’ve invited people over for dinner, been to a birthday party, or you’ve gotten together in a favorite park for a hike. Chances are you’ve been in at least one work, client, or school meeting. Perhaps you’ve attended a conference, seminar, training, networking event, city council meeting, church gathering, book group, or Rotary luncheon. And how often have you left those gatherings feeling like it was time well-spent, that som...
Aug 30, 2019•25 min•Season 1Ep. 48
Sometimes our journey towards greater self-awareness seems slow and ponderous. And other times, life decides to hit the fast-forward button and give us a can’t-miss catalyst for profound change. No matter which happens to you, both involve conversations. Conversations we have with ourselves, and those we have with others. And the quality of those conversations shapes our life satisfaction. Our question this episode: how can we boost our conversational intelligence, from the inside out? Today we’...
Aug 23, 2019•33 min•Season 1Ep. 47
When we think of traveling outside our native country, we usually consider the obvious differences we’ll experience: language, food, clothing, architecture. But there’s another layer of difference that’s more subtle and can dramatically affect how well we navigate our new environment. Our question this episode: what’s important to consider when communicating with others in a culture different from your own? Today’s guest caught my eye on LinkedIn with a post about cultural sensitivity when worki...
Aug 17, 2019•23 min•Season 1Ep. 46
Today is Friday, August 9, 2019, and it’s been a rough week. I’ve found that I haven’t had much to say. The news and its tragedies have overwhelmed me, as they have the world. For a podcast about how to say it, whatever “it” is, I’m finding myself at a loss. I’m not even sure I have a key question for this episode, except wondering what we can do when words fail us. This is a rather short episode, because I’m still feeling in shock from the mass shootings that happened in El Paso, Texas and Dayt...
Aug 10, 2019•10 min•Season 1Ep. 45
When I tell you I’m "going to get back to you by the end of the day," what does that mean to you? And what about how you interpret “get back to you?” You might be surprised to hear that what those phrases mean to you depends on your age. And how you respond to a compliment depends on your gender, in addition to context. Our question this episode: how can we best communicate across generational and gender differences? This episode’s topic brings me back to a listener question from episode 6 about...
Aug 02, 2019•37 min•Season 1Ep. 44
We spend 55% of our time in an average day listening; but what are we really doing? Are we attentive? Fully present? Passive? Distracted? Waiting until the other person stops talking so we can talk? Our questions this episode: what does it mean to really listen, and how can we become better at it? While this podcast is often focused on the words we say, it’s equally important to focus on the way we hear the words of others. My guest today is coach, author, fellow podcaster and deep listening eva...
Jul 26, 2019•38 min•Season 1Ep. 43
Failure. It’s something we avoid as adults, equating it with incompetence, lack of effort or resources, bad ideas, faulty execution, and a sign that we’re on the wrong track. But as little kids, we accepted it. Whether we were conscious of it or not, we knew that we were going to mess up on our way to learning something new. Our question this episode: what would it mean if we could normalize failure and talk more openly about it? This episode is part two of my conversation with Sarah McVanel, wh...
Jul 18, 2019•38 min•Season 1Ep. 42
There are things we say we’re okay with, but when the rubber meets the road, we balk. Failure is one such thing. Our society often hands us contradictory messages that failure isn’t an option, while saying it’s important we learn from our mistakes. Yes, context is everything. We don’t want a surgeon operating on us to decide failure is an option they can take. But most of us hold ourselves to a surgeon’s standards, saying we’re okay with failure but then feeling like the world is ending when it ...
Jul 12, 2019•36 min•Season 1Ep. 41
Family picnics, sparklers, and watermelon seed spitting contests. These are all part of the fourth of July fun here in the United States. While it’s an opportunity to say that funnel cake has no calories because it’s a holiday, it’s also a chance to celebrate the ideals that our country was founded on, especially the first amendment. Our question this episode: what does it mean to exercise our right to free speech effectively and responsibly? In this episode, I offer some brief reflections on th...
Jul 05, 2019•22 min•Season 1Ep. 40
One of the ways we form connections with one another is by noticing where our experiences overlap. It’s a wonderful moment when that noticing leads to empathy and intimacy. But just like anything wonderful, there’s a flip side. Our question this episode: when does saying, “I know how you feel” shift from empathy to hijacking? A recent coaching session inspired me to share a few words on today’s topic of empathy versus hijacking. When it came up in the session, it reinforced something that I lear...
Jun 21, 2019•16 min•Season 1Ep. 39
Religion ranks right up there with politics, sex and money as a subject that is mostly off-limits in the workplace. Whether it’s obviously part of someone’s identity or completely invisible to others, our spiritual beliefs inform everything from what we wear or eat, what holidays we do or don’t celebrate, what we name our children, and how we live our lives in general. With it being so pervasive, it’s not reasonable to try to ignore it because we’re uncomfortable with the topic. Our question thi...
Jun 13, 2019•36 min•Season 1Ep. 38
When we think of how we communicate on a personal level, we don’t naturally think of it in terms of ethics and responsibility. But there’s an ethical component to our relationships that is important to acknowledge and discuss. This is especially true when it comes to conversations that happen in groups or that impact large numbers of people, like they do in our neighborhoods, work, schools, places of worship, and government. Our question this episode: what can ethics teach us about effective com...
Jun 07, 2019•37 min•Season 1Ep. 37
There are lots of reasons why we get our wires crossed when communicating with others. Some of it might have to do with our mood, our assumptions, our past experiences, the nature of the relationship between us and the person we’re talking to, and even bigger picture reasons such as race, gender, religion and other identities that inform how we relate to one another. One trait that falls on the spectrum of communication obstacles is whether someone is coming from an introvert or extrovert perspe...
May 31, 2019•21 min•Season 1Ep. 36
When it comes to difficult conversations, we’re often focused on what divides us. We are acutely aware of the ways in which we are different from one another. After all, that’s probably what makes the conversation difficult! But if we’re able to balance that difference with commonalities, we’ll have a better chance at easing the conflict. Our question this episode: how does empathy help move us towards a deeper understanding of one another? This is a continuing exploration of the 4 Keys to More ...
May 10, 2019•18 min•Season 1Ep. 35
If we’ve spent a lot of time thinking about our values and beliefs and how those apply to social and cultural issues, then we can become very attached to thinking that we’re right, they’re wrong, and that’s that. But remember: everyone feels that way, and the person you think is wrong thinks they’re right, and you’re wrong, and that’s that. We’re left with an impenetrable wall between us that only becomes taller as we dig in our heels. But there is another way. Our question this episode: what ro...
May 04, 2019•13 min•Season 1Ep. 34
When a challenge is big, scary, or complex, sometimes it feels easiest to bury our heads in the sand and hope that someone else figures it all out. That might work with some things, but it doesn’t work with the stuff that affects us all, like climate change. We have to find a way to talk about it. And that urgency is compounded when we have kids. Our question this episode: how do we talk with kids about a complex, emotional topic such as climate change? My guest today is Dakota Duncan, who will ...
Apr 26, 2019•30 min•Season 1Ep. 33
Throughout our education, we’re often so focused on being able to answer questions, we forget to pay attention to how skilled we are at asking them. But our ability to get good information from someone is directly connected to our ability to ask good questions. Our question this episode: what can we do to make our questions more productive and effective? In this episode, I continue an exploration of the art and science of asking good questions. It’s something we do every day – at least, I hope w...
Apr 18, 2019•25 min•Season 1Ep. 32
It’s something that can drive new parents insane, but it’s essential to our development as social creatures: asking questions. As children, we ask questions incessantly as a way to understand the world around us. As we mature, our questions become more nuanced and complex, and our motives are less obvious. Or we hesitate to ask questions for fear of sounding dumb or because we don’t want to challenge someone. We’re encouraged to be curious, but we’re seldom told that curiosity is a skill that we...
Apr 12, 2019•20 min•Season 1Ep. 31
You know when it’s happening: your breathing might become more shallow. Your mind starts racing. You feel like there’s a brick in the pit of your stomach. You might even feel a sense of déjà vu. You’re so irritated, you can’t even hear what the other person is saying. Our question this episode: what can we do when someone’s behavior is triggering us? In this episode, I will offer some thoughts on a relatively new awareness I experienced this past week. It left me in a “how can I say this…” place...
Apr 06, 2019•18 min•Season 1Ep. 30
It’s an answer we’ve all given and received multiple times in our lives: “I’m fine.” It could be a polite way to respond to a stranger’s “how are you?” or it might be your partner, colleague, or offspring giving you what feels like the cold shoulder. But if we really care about someone, we care about the real answer, the one underneath the surface. Our question this episode: what can we do to get past “I’m fine”? We’re joined in this episode by Matt Crevin, who will share tips for parents talkin...
Mar 29, 2019•36 min•Season 1Ep. 29
"There are three things extremely hard: Steel, a Diamond, and to know one's self." With those words from the 1750 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac, Benjamin Franklin shared a maxim that has been around since the ancient Greeks: know thyself. Long before Franklin, Socrates gave us the oft-quoted saying “The unexamined life is not worth living.” In addition to giving life meaning, examining our lives and knowing ourselves helps us to be in relationship with other people. When we know who we are, ...
Mar 22, 2019•26 min•Season 1Ep. 28
When a word or phrase rises to prominence in the collective conversation, there’s a danger of it becoming diluted or distorted so much that it strays from its original meaning. That’s happening now with the word “narcissist.” Everyone from the arrogant boss to the selfie-loving teenager becomes a narcissist. The truth is, we all have a touch of narcissist in us, but not everyone deserves that label. Our questions this episode: what’s the true definition, and how do we interact with people who si...
Mar 14, 2019•31 min•Season 1Ep. 27
It’s the rare environment when we’re completely alone with no one else to consider. Whether it’s home, work, school, or social situations, our choices and actions have a ripple effect, even if we aren’t aware of it. Sometimes it’s easy to fit in and our impact is minimal. Other times, our behavior isn’t just a ripple, it’s a tsunami, and that’s when a challenging conversation might be in our future. Our question this episode: how do we diffuse conflict while staying in community with one another...
Mar 08, 2019•33 min•Season 1Ep. 26
I’m all for consulting the experts to learn more about how to be more present, more mindful, more anything that I want to be in my life. They have research and strategies that contribute to making us healthy, wealthy, and wise human beings. But sometimes it helps to absorb lessons from experts that don’t have a single book, podcast, blog, or Facebook page to their name. Our question this episode: what do our pets have to teach us about being better communicators? This episode is a reflection on ...
Mar 01, 2019•20 min•Season 1Ep. 25
When it comes to challenging communication situations, few match the difficulty of talking to highly trained professionals who have expertise we don’t have. This is especially true when we’re seen by doctors. We’re in a vulnerable position, and it’s not always easy to assert ourselves and make our concerns fully understood. Our question this episode: how can we set ourselves up for successful interactions when there’s an imbalance of power? This episode topic is inspired by a recent experience I...
Feb 21, 2019•28 min•Season 1Ep. 24
There’s at least one in every office, family, or group: the person who says things like, “Why do we have to do this?” “This is too complicated!” “No one ever helps me.” They seem to be focused on whatever is wrong about a situation but rarely offer up any solutions. And they seem get suck the energy out of the room in the process. Our question this episode: how do we best communicate with the complainers and energy drainers in our lives? This episode features a conversation with author and negot...
Feb 14, 2019•31 min•Season 1Ep. 23
When I was in grad school for arts administration, we learned a basic fact in our fundraising course that I’ve never forgotten: the number one reason people don’t give money to charity is because they aren’t asked. That goes not only for donations, but for raises, for project funds, or any other situation where direct ask has to happen in order for money to change hands. Our question this episode: how do we frame a request for money so that we increase our chances of success? I’m pleased to welc...
Feb 07, 2019•37 min•Season 1Ep. 22
