Hey chatters. Hey chatters. You already will have heard the main episode where we talk about why we're here and what we're doing, so we're going to skip all that. It looks fantastic. It actually does. I actually like this other than the TV. That's the only thing I'm not loving in the corner. But we'll get over.
It yeah, it's. Fun. We can just put a show on. Anyway, we're going to read one last story on the topic of bringing up the past and this one is Girlfriend 24, female, said I 24, male was out of line bringing up something from the past. I've been with my girlfriend for two. Well I have been with my girlfriend for two years now. She's been cheated on in the past and has had some problems with insecurity when we've been together around six months.
I went away with some friends I had not seen for a while. The first night I was there was fine and then the next day she mentioned she kept convincing herself I had cheated and basically started an argument causing me to cut my my trip short. When I got back she apologised repeatedly. I've not seen those friends since as we live in different parts of the country. One of them is visiting another and not too far from me in a couple weeks and they've invited me up for the night.
I mentioned it to my girlfriend that I'd be going later that night. She started jokingly asking if I'm going to cheat and I straight away told her not to go on about that. I said she knows I'm not going to cheat and to not bring it up again. She said I overreacted since she was only joking. So I mentioned the last time I saw them and asked if she was only joking. Then she said I was out of order to bring up the past and I knew she wouldn't do that again.
I just said I'd like to think she won't but it's not looking like that if she's already mentioning cheating. She said I was throwing a mistake she had made back in her face, but I disagreed since I was only mentioning it after she brought up cheating. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? We don't have those jokes. No, those jokes are not OK. Like I think it's those things because it's because we take them so seriously, you know, it's and this is our value is don't cheat.
Yeah. No, but it's, it's like our value is on the way that we talk about certain things. So the serious topics, the serious no Nos, the serious bad things, they're serious. We we keep them serious. So and we're trying to teach out with our kids at the moment. Yeah. Don't joke about this other stuff. Don't. It's no one is too far, Yeah. What's inappropriate and what's not? Yeah, exactly.
So I just would take that out of our language from the get go is that is not a joke, especially if it's been something that she's struggled with in the past. It's been a serious thing treated seriously. You know, it's it's like otherwise it's just too much room for the serious hurts to come back and and to not be taken seriously. So serious. Serious. Serious.
Serious serious. Yeah, I think if I was her and I made this little joke because obviously insecurity is bubbling up and I'm like, and then and then I heard I'm not going to cheat. Don't say that again. And we've actually had this exact, not this exact conversation, but there's been things where you're like, I'm not going to do that. Why do you keep bringing that
up? And I I'll be like, I need to know that I'm OK to bring it up. Yeah, I know I shouldn't bring it up. As in, I know it's not helpful for me to keep doing what I'm doing, but you need to know you're OK to bring it up. So if I was her and I heard him say I'm not going to cheat, don't bring that up again, I'd be like, now I can't bring up cheating again. And now my insecurity is just going to run me because I can't even communicate about these things.
And especially with her experience where she has been cheated on before. So of course she's going to think that no partner is going to be like, yeah, I am going to cheat. No heart is going to do that. Like in a conversation, no one's going to do that. So well, maybe not no one. Most people won't. So I think I think how they've gone about the conversation is putting walls up that are not going to help themselves. So I think he's put a wall up with this like don't, I'm not
going to cheat. Don't don't say that don't bring that up again is without him realising putting a wall up there that's going to just kind of be like a rebound for her insecurity. It's not going to make her not bringing it up is not going to make the topic go away. It's in fact, it's probably just going to make it worse. Her putting a a trigger out there every time he wants to do things with his friends or her putting projecting that onto him
is the same thing. It's not going to protect her and that's probably where it's coming from. She's trying to like lash out at it before it lashes out at her. From her experience, I don't think her making those jokes or bringing it up all the time is going to work in her favour either. It's going to just make him feel untrusted and yucky and and not heard and disrespected and like she's projecting her past boyfriends onto him. And none of that is constructive.
That's it's it's AI feel like it. I picture it like this like big notch that's just about to like latch into place if they're not careful, because those things kind of work against each other. But the joking of it IA 100. I love what you said. If it's a serious thing, treat us seriously. He knows she's been cheated on. It's a serious thing. That's not a non serious thing for anyone. So I think anyone who's gone through that's going to navigate insecurity in the space, he
knows it's serious for her. She's making a joke about it. But if I was him, I think I'd be encouraging him sit down gently and curiously with her and make it a serious thing, like validate straight away. I can see that you are really struggling with this and I know you'll be struggling with this.
I want to help you with this. Like I recognise this is important because I think straightaway that would take out some of the sting from her bite and and she'd be like, whoa, OK, he's taking this really seriously. I don't have to prove to him that it's serious. The joking about it is not going to be the like we said in the main episode, but the little pricky kind of. Comments. That's not, it's not helpful ever, which is why we don't joke like that, I don't think.
Yeah, I don't think. What do they say? Like behind every joke is a bit of truth or something like that. If that's how you're, if that's what's sitting behind your thoughts, making a a casual jokey comment is only going to inflamed. It's like throwing little bits of fuel into a fire, and it's not going to make the conversation constructive. For one thing, he hasn't cheated. She's projected it on him and it's it's caused an issue with his friends before, which is
hurtful. That's difficult for him. It's come up again. So obviously he's now triggered by her being triggered because he's triggered by how hurtful it was before and how probably embarrassing and overwhelming and disappointing. So he's reacting out of a trigger. She's reacting out of a trigger.
I think until they sit down and they're able to discuss clearly what sits behind these things and they're able to put things in place so that when she does, she will probably still have that little arch up that happens. And that's OK. And. Triggers are triggers are valid, you know, and it's again, you got to validate the feelings. You got to validate the triggers and understand them and and then go like commit to that process
of working through that. So for him to say, don't bring it up anymore, that's not committing to the process of working through that. That's shutting down the process. Yeah. And that's what can be very damaging as well. And so it's like, again, so for her, she might just want like she might just need to hear the validation of her feelings. Like that might be the big thing that she needs to hear right now. But she doesn't know how to share that. He doesn't know how to do that.
Go sit down and and have those conversations. How are you going with this? What's this look like for you now? Yeah. And I know you can feel really silly. I've definitely felt this way really silly when it's an insecurity that just keeps coming up and I can't shake because you know that it's not a valid across the board like rule
or like a pattern like that. You know that that's not going to or you know, that's likely not going to happen, but doesn't necessarily translate to your feelings about it. And yeah, unless you're gentle with yourself and with your partner and he's gentle back and you're going to struggle to get to a point where you're functioning out of a healthy space with this. But the warning would be don't just push this aside and stop talking about it because it's not going to disappear on so cool.
Well, that has been bringing awesome. Thanks chatters, thank you so much guys for. Your welcome to our new chatters, guys. We've had a few join over the last few weeks and we're really excited that you're here. This is the first time I think we've addressed that. Maybe not. Yeah, Michaela is one of the new ones, Ross is a new one. And Kate, I don't know if we've mentioned any of you by name on here before. Thank you guys so much for your. Support, we really appreciate you.
Absolutely. And yeah, please write in guys. You guys have a special ears from us. Oh yeah, You can speak more, Yeah than everyone else. So we would love to hear from you guys. You are more important to us. So we're gonna hear from you guys. Yeah, I know I do have a couple of stories from you guys that will come out in future episodes, which is great. So keep those coming. Keep those questions coming, but be patient with us to get your topics and your stories out there.
So we'll come. We've just want to. We want to make it fit in with the rest of the episode too. So that it and we want to be ready to talk about it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and. Some of them we want to go and get extra helpful to speak into those spaces rather than just our ideas because sometimes they're not great. Like, well, they're just not informed. They're just not. Helpful or not in that? Space yeah, or researched or
whatever else. So we want to be giving you guys the best quality possible and the best support possible through the questions or stories you have. So thank you guys so much, really appreciate it and talk to you soon.