Hey guys, welcome chatters back to another episode. Great to have you here. Welcome. Before we get started, actually, I wanted to say to you guys, we sent you an email. So please check your emails. There's a survey in there. Just we want to be hearing from you about what we can do in these in these chatter episodes. What are you actually here for? What would you like to get? We want to grow, we want to do better. We want to meet you where you're at, so please check your emails.
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That's The thing is we they're usually check it like listen to these episodes on Spotify or YouTube. So anyway, but that's fine. I'll put it up there and see where we go. We could look at exploring a different communication platform for people that come on as chatters, like a WhatsApp group or something like that. Yeah, that's a good point for just discussions about the episodes and reflections. On it, yeah.
Anyway, we want to hear that from you because if you don't want that then we don't want to do that we want to put things in place that you do want so let us know get onto that. That'd be awesome anyway, on this episode we are going to be. If you listen to the full episode, Amy ran us through a reality check corner. Now, this is something that we've really wanted to put into practise here that we don't just come and share things or just bring information.
We actually want to be doing a lot of these exercises with you on these chatter episodes. So we're going to be doing that a lot today. And we brought up three different areas of the reality check corner and this is something we want to do semi regularly as well. And so again, feedback, if this is something that was helpful
for you, we'd love to do that. But also we'd love for you to write into like if you've sat down and gone through these things, send them to us. It can be anonymous, that's fine. Like we won't share that with anyone if you don't want us to. Yeah, absolutely. We just want to be seeing what you're doing and Bunny is just. Funny what is going? On the action. She's just like nudging me with her nose. I'm wondering if she needs to go outside. OK. Well I think she just wants cuddles. OK, fun.
So we're gonna dive right into it. So the first one in our reality check questions here or challenges was no, you can't hop up on the that's the first challenge is doing a recording a golden retriever. The first one is the reflection prompt. OK, so just reading these notes that we had here from the full, full episode, think about your last three disagreements. What's the common denominator in all of them? What's the one thing you personally do that keeps them
loop these loops alive? Sit with that for a second. So I'm going to start because I, I reflected on this in just before and I reckon my 3:00 and it's it's hard to put like a top three. I just did three, right? So because I feel like I had more than three, So I just. You talking about the last three disagreements? What maybe that's what I did. Yeah, okay, I, I tried to look through, I read that has three disagreements and like what's 3 denominators? But I don't know why I just read
that differently. But anyway, I come up with three, I come up with three different things. I'm going to say it anyway. Maybe that's one of that common denominators is not looking for. No. That's mine. But I was gonna say them anyway, 'cause now I'm, I'm prepped for this part is first one is pride or defensiveness. First one is defensiveness. Second one is I don't actually remember now, so lucky it didn't work that way. Third one was, how do you say it? Like was unmet expectations or
unrealistic expectations. So I would come to a like, I've, I've done this to you a couple of times where I'll be like, I'll, I'll be speaking to you and you brought it up in the full episode actually, about how like you're working on something and you expect your partner to work on it. Like the phone thing, right? The phone thing is an example. I've done that to you a couple of times where I, it might be the phone thing, like social media, Like I've turned off most
of my social media on my phone. I don't really have social media on my phone. I look over at you, I'm like what you saw on social media, you know, I gotta have these specific expectations that are realistic. Like it's my thing that I'm working on and I've got the same expectation for you, but you're a different journey on different things. So that's my things.
And I think so both of those though, or all of them really come down to I'm internally having a conversation for the pride, I mean, or I'm for the pride. I'm kind of like, I might be. So it's for the defensiveness might be out of I don't really understand what's going on. I don't really understand what we're out to in the conversation because sometimes we get lost in the conversation and the argument. I'm like, wait, where do we will
where do we start again? And so I'm having these conversations in my head and I'm like, this isn't make sense making sense to me. Are you trying to put this on me? Like, and that's where I'll go defensiveness. I'm like, like, you can't put that on me because you struggle with this, this, this and this. And then so, but it's that's separate from what we're actually talking about. And then the unmet with unrealistic expectations. It's a game.
It's these conversations that I'm having internally, but I haven't voiced anything to you. Sometimes I haven't even voiced that. I've not done social media or something. I don't remember the last one, but I'm just saying social media because that's one we have done before. Yeah, yeah. So they're the ones that's mainly internal conversations that I'm having. Is it a common denominator? Yeah, That leads to more things. I think that's accurate for me as well. Internal and probably that's
maybe across the board. The internal stuff that we're navigating plays into what how we navigate conversation. I would definitely say defensiveness for me. I'm going to do multiple because you did multiple. But you know better. But now I like that conversation, defensiveness. And probably before defensiveness is I have this ongoing conversation about what I think you're thinking about me all the time, even if you're not like, like, whenever you're upset or something.
And I'm like, are you OK? Are you OK? And then sometimes I'll be like, all right, are you mad at me? Yeah. And the problem is sometimes you are irritated but. It's actually like genuinely, it's very rare in those times when you're asking me, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you mad at me? I'm like, what, what, what, Where did that even come from? Like that's the majority of the time. They're not getting annoyed at
you yet. Yeah, but I, so I have this conversation going all the time of like, he doesn't think I'm doing enough, he thinks I'm being lazy, he's disappointed with my choices, he's mad at me. Like that sort of thing ticks over. And so then that's why I'm like hyper vigilant in how you're acting. But then when you do bring something up, then my defensiveness is like, there we go. So like part of it is this internal conversation I've got
going. That's just me assuming assuming things, assuming assuming ass things. And then, and then that's reinforced by defensiveness because I'm like, see, he does think this, this and this or whatever, or the same thing that you just said, like you're saying that about me. What about these things that you're doing? And I do, I do really struggle across the board with misunderstanding.
So if someone misunderstands me or misrepresents me, I really struggle with that because I just, I'm like, because I used to more than I do now. As we've been discussing about, I used to put so much effort into how I talked and how I acted around people and that my like a huge portion of my energy was spent on making sure I didn't upset somebody. That then when I did, when someone would raise something with me, I was just like, you have no idea how like the
misrepresentation, sorry. I'd be like, you have no idea how much effort I put into not doing these things or whatever, which is just, that's a problem in itself. So then when I feel misrepresented or if I feel like, like it's inaccurately judged or something, I get really defensive very quickly. I think defensiveness is, is a really easy one because if you're not the one raising something, you're kind of like la da, da, da, da.
And then someone raises it and you're just like, but if you're the person raising it, you can think about what it is and what you're thinking about. And that's why it's so important to raise things carefully and to raise things in a way that you want the other person to succeed because you're the one with the power in that situation. Doesn't mean that you're what you're raising is not appropriate or whatever, but you're the one with the power because the other person is just
about to be blindsided. So you just have to be aware that that's going to probably be a tense conversation. But yeah, definitely defensiveness. Definitely this internal conversation that I'm having that plays into it. So one on there as well. You, you wrote down like what's the one we can be doing about it now? What's the first steps in it? We'll get the next one, but either way, I'm gonna bring the way. I'm gonna bring it up for this
one too. It's it's what's one thing you personally do that keep them alive? If that's that's part of the question. Yeah, right. Well, I, yeah, OK, well, this would still be relevant for that too, though. Is I brought something up with my boss the other day and I, I addressed something when he mentioned it. So I, I called him about something else. He mentioned something and then I addressed that other thing
that he brought up, right? It wasn't the reason I was calling for, but it was a, it was a, a bigger conversation. And anyway, so he, he assumed that I was calling him actually about this bigger thing. He's like, oh, well, you've just got me so off guard. Like I'm just going straight defensiveness because you've just got me so off guard.
I'm like, Oh, no, I actually genuinely wasn't calling about that, but made me really and we had a good conversation about it, but we were like, look, that's where it's important to set up a meeting over that big topic. Don't just bring it on the person because we naturally do go defensive when we're not prepared and we feel caught off guard and it's like like it feels like attack and we're like defend, you know, like this straight away. That was a big thing that I realised too.
And so in this in this scenario for me, I think that's pretty much it. It's like I know that I can I kind of like just go there, like I don't warm up. I don't, you know, say, Hey, I really want to talk about something. I don't prime it. I'm just like there, like issue address it now and now these can make you easily go defensiveness like straight away and like you do that back for me. Like you bring up you you say I don't even I want to talk to you about something, man.
Oh crap, here we go. But. But at least it gives you. It gives me that little walk and then in that moment I can work on, well, all right, I know I get defensive, so I need to hear you out. I need to be respectful for what you're saying. And it gives me that buffer of going through this is how do I want to respond? Even if I'm right or even if she's wrong, Where do I naturally go with my thinking? Where do I want to go with my thinking, All that sort of
stuff. It's like a 2 second thing and a lot of things go in my head. But I think we've been talking through this stuff for long enough now. It's a lot faster for my plan to go through those steps. Yeah, I think it, it shows as well that you're not just trying to respond or, or even shows your body yourself that you're not just trying to like react, respond, attack, criticise, whatever. You're trying to be careful.
Even if the the way the conversation then plays out afterwards, at least it's one indication that you're trying to care for the other person in that process as well. And yeah, I was just thinking that's a really good idea like across the board to just if it's a big thing to just say, hey, I actually really need to talk to you about the stuff you've been doing around the house or, or I really need to talk about the way we have been navigating the stuff going that we have to do
around the house. So can we have a conversation about that later on? We put the kids down or something like that? Or can we have a conversation once I make a coffee or something that gives a little bit of time? Isn't super like, I guess if I came out and I was like, I really need to talk to you about your attitude. Yeah, it's. Probably still. Aren't. You, it's probably still a little bit helpful cause at least you've got a little bit of an agenda, but it's yeah.
But that's very tacky. I think I would still get defensive, but if you. But then again, it's like, alright, so you know, if you say to me, because this is what you do, well, you say I need to have a conversation and you say, well, I'm really struggling with XYZ, you know, and this is how it makes me feel. And you go through from your perspective. So I think it's very less like like directed at me. Sometimes you, sometimes it goes there. And that's where I think I'd
get, I'd get offensive. And I think that was again through that hard time through selling the house and that that's probably what. I didn't have as much time you. Didn't have as much time exactly. I think that's where then I got more defensive and and I was more sensitive and all that sort of stuff was like, you didn't prime me. It was the I mean, I need to talk about this. This is it. And I'm like, what? You know?
It's so funny though, because I'm, I'm intrigued by the fact that you need that in return, but you don't naturally give it. Yeah, that's interesting to me because I, yeah, I'm intrigued by that. Well, I think everyone needs it. I think everyone needs it and I don't. I think it's a. Well, do you think everyone needs it? I think some people that don't
don't mind. I feel like some people don't mind if you're just like, I don't know, just like critical back or I. Don't know how, I don't know how. Again, this is not like, you know, I'm not a professional in this space, but I don't know how. So I'm trying to think through people that I feel like could could fit into that category. I still think there's an element where they're like, all right. If you probably made that a little bit better, it'd.
Be it'd be better. It'd be better, like, it's not like there's a need, but I think it's just a better approach. It's just funny to me it like in genuinely curious that you your natural is to be direct get to the point, but how you need to receive it is so is so different. I think this is something learned though, you know what I mean? The receiving part, I think it's been like, I know that I respond better if I pry myself, if I
walk through these things right. I think back in the day, probably short like I might have been, it might have been something that was better for me to just just hear it. And that's what I think what we struggled with in the beginning of our relationship. But over time, again, if I just hear it, I just respond right. And then you, but you're not ready for my like it's I am very blunt. I was very blunt. So I was like, I matched forward
with, yeah, I'm actual energy. But I, I think it's down to how you receive as well. And so it's a matter of, it's not just a matter of how I receive, it's how I respond. How I receive is going to dictate how I respond. It's also to note as well, you do get it. It isn't helpful for you if I'm too vague or if I'm too no, no, no, no, beat around the Bush. Well. That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm not talking about yeah. I'm just saying that's, that's probably how that plays out on the flip side, like you don't. Yeah. And I, I think probably for me, I probably find it nicer when people beat around the Bush, even though I know you're beating around the Bush. You're not being like direct. But yeah, so that that might be how that plays out for you is like, yes, I need you to prime me, but I need it to be clear what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Some kind of wishy washy thing?
Now that one, great. So the next one was the simple easy connection challenge for today. Now I don't want to do this from in the moment, but I did take some time before just sort of thinking through three thinking, thinking through about you. Anyway, I saw in the hospital recently, my work goes into the hospital sometimes. I saw in the hospital recently, there was this poster on the wall and it was talking about it was a it was a poster, an image
of a nurse, right? And on that on the word just said, hi, I'm Susie or whatever it was. I like photography, walking my dog and I like beaches. We're more than just a nurse and talking about I think that from, you know, this violence and stuff towards yeah, aggression towards us and humanises. So it's like I think this is something that's powerful about this what you're talking what you brought up in the full episode, this exercise.
Now we're humanising people and especially if we're really struggling with them, remembering through You're more than Amy. If it makes sense. Like your name? What I see? Wife even. Yeah. Wife like there's there's you're more than mom, you're like, So what do you enjoy? And I was really bringing through like trying to think through that. I'm like, Oh, you love creativity. I was going to say like social media, but it's like what I've learned about you, It's you don't love one thing.
You love creativity, you love growing things. But if you just, if you were to nail that down into photography or social, you, it wouldn't, it wouldn't hit the mark. It'd be like, no, you'd get over that very quickly. It's the creative aspect of it and the growing aspect. And that's something that I love about you is you are a Unicorn. You are, you love giving things a go. The other thing too is again, like, so you're more than mum, but I love the way that you do mother.
Like, I love the way that you, you're, you are patient with the kids and I can tell like, and this isn't something to put on you because this is my, my thing I need to work through. But this is a team. We're we're A-Team. I find it so much easier when you're I love when you're calm when I'm stressed because I, it helps me to match your energy rather than, you know, we're both stressed and we're just frustrated, but I feel like you're someone that I can do
that with. Like it's so that for me, I love you in that space because I'm like, I can breathe, like Amy's calm here. I can be calm. That's not to put on your your shoulders, and I know that can easily be put onto your shoulders. And I just have to be calm. Just be calm every single time and then that's fine. So not put it on you, but just do it. So that's something I really love. What was the actual question?
So it's just to look and pause. Pause for six seconds and look at your partner without saying anything, without checking your phone, etcetera. Look at them like you're really seeing them, like they're not just your spouse or Co parent, but people with dreams, struggles, and a life outside you. And let those 6 seconds remind you why you're with them. So me writing things in my head, writing things down helps that exercise because I could look at
you and then I'm like, cool. But if I think through a bit, I have to go to that thinking level. I want to write things down, like in my head, mentally write things down about you and help me to just see a much bigger personality view or who what makes you like, you know, even thinking back to you when I first met you and your smile, like that's just something that's ingrained into my head. Like that's the thing that just captured my attention straight
away. I think back at that moment, I think back to our honeymoon. I think back to, well, in the hospital, we're having our kids, like those sorts of things, and these special moments was where I really tried to focus on. Yeah, it's nice. What'd you do? I did this last night while you were playing your game on the bed and it was really interesting. You know how like if you're like kind of blurry eyed and then you suddenly focus in on something and it kind of it like a just
like a camera lens. It was kind of like that or like when you just like almost like making it big picture. All of a sudden I was just watching you and I was thinking about the things that make you who you are. And I was like, it's so interesting how we really do become, we really easily put people in boxes. And I was just spending time thinking about your, your brain
and how you work. And even when you're playing your game, like you are very good at your game and you get very interested in it and you learn about it and stuff and you lead in that space. And I know it's just a game, but it's important to you. And so I was thinking about how you're just so naturally that way, even on your computer game,
and it was cool. And I was also thinking about how Tom is interesting on Sorry, Blaze Boss was talking on a meeting recently about how they were up in Rockhampton for something and it was cool to watch. You just lead that little interaction that you had with some clients or that's that's enough detail for you guys. It doesn't make any stakeholders.
Stakeholders. Yeah. And just watching you talk about it and that he could kind of sit back and and you just took it. And I was like, damn, it would have been really nice to see that guy. I know that you do. Well, this stuff. I always have known that even before you got this job like that, I was part of the person being like, Blair's really good
at this stuff. And so I know you're good at it and I hear what you're doing, but just hearing someone else reflect on how good it was to watch, you just own that space. I was like, I wish I could just watch that. And I do watch it from from a distance, inverted Labour. I think it was a really cool exercise because it is very easy to get. It's not like I sweep you into any kind of. I don't know, like it's just
like we exist together. It's not, it's not that you become a certain person, you're not in my brain. It's just that I don't spend much time like looking at you and just being like, hello. We just kind of exist in our routines are so like we're so dependent on our routines with the kids and stuff like that, that it's not easy to find that
space. Even on date nights we struggle, like we go out and we struggle for the first hour, something to really like just be with each other and then finally, and then it's always really lovely when we get that time. So I thought it was a really special experience. Exercise. Nice. It's funny to me that you had to write stuff down mentally. Yeah. And I had to actually just look. I needed to look at you and do that. Yeah, Right. And look like a creep on the. Bed. Yeah, I was busy.
I was from the last one here. The future pace exercise. Quick and not awkward. Imagine that in six months your communication has completely transformed. When you talk, you both feel seen, understood and respected. How does that change your day to day relationship? Now ask yourself, what's 1A small thing you can start doing today to move, to move toward that future that. You read the future pace exercise quick and not awkward because that's my note to myself.
Now you guys know it's quick and not awkward. So this, this is something that you just, it's really helpful to feel the feelings of where you want to go. And we don't do that very often in life. It's a huge tool in coaching because if people want to move towards a goal or achieve a certain thing, an outcome or whatever, if you are just kind of not really sure what it's going to feel like or what it's going to look like, you're never going to get there. That's that's not an effective
way of navigating. And they talk about how sports, like golfers, for example, sportsmen, they spend time thinking about feeling like preparing themselves, what it would feel like to make the perfect hit or whatever you call it in golf. And they literally visualise that like that's what they do in those seconds before they are doing their shot. I just feel like like. I had no golf enough either. Anyway, because you're like so much more likely to make the goal.
I know it's not a goal if you have visualised where you're going and you know what that feels like and you know, because even your muscles with singing, sorry, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, but with singing, if you visualise the sound without making a sound, there's a way to rehearse.
If you can't for some reason make noise, you can actually just visualise and like picture making that sound and your vocal cords will adjust to it. So even though you're not making a noise, it's actually an effective way to rehearse or get a key. If you're like, you can catch the key in your brain, Yeah, like get ready for it. But if you have to come straight out on something.
So anyway, all of these things are why visualising, picturing, like embodying the feeling of what you're working towards is a helpful thing because it helps you stay on track with that. And so this exercise is to do that you, you have a goal in whatever it is you're, you're pacing yourself for there. So your future pacing, your future pacing, what you want your communication to look like, what you want your relationship to be in six months time after you've worked really hard on
this. And so you're picturing what that feels like, how you interact, what it would look like, how it would change the family dynamics, literally how you would walk past each other in a hallway, how you would tell each other about your day. Like you're picturing all those details to feel them in your body now so that it can help you and your body now in achieving those things. So yeah, I think I haven't actually done this exercise.
Well, this is like where I think for us, we're going to change a little bit here because this podcast was definitely one of those things, yeah, one of those steps to help us in this direction. The next step of that for us has been this literal episode. So this corner, what is? It reality check. Reality check, yeah, I shouldn't know what the name is, but that's the next.
That's, that's step #2 for us actually, because so we've been doing this podcast now for a little bit and we're, you know, been getting, learning a lot from and having a lot of common conversations, but now we're actually applying those conversations. So that's what this is. That's why we're not cheating because this is how we're being intentional with it. But we don't have a Step 3 because we're just introducing Step 2.
We do, we do have to do this sometimes to like even when we're getting ready to start season 2. I think it was a bit like I was a bit just not there mentally, but we really had to kind of picture where we wanted to go and then make it happen. And this actually, I was I was picturing, I don't know if it was because of this or just as my brain what I want the podcast to be like, what we really want. I'm not even gonna say the podcast to be what we want.
Honey, we need to chat to be and like my goal or our goal is that we will be having regular retreats with couples that want to like spend however long a weekend, four days, whatever, intentionally putting effort into strengthening their relationship, turning things around and coming out of that retreat stronger. Like that's, that would be my goal. Like I would love for us to have that as a part of a regular part of what we're doing here in this community. And that like I was playing that
back of where that starts. And I think that's the reality check corner is where that starts. Like we start to actually see people having real life change in their relationships. And part of that is us being willing to challenge a bit more firmly and a bit more like practically than we have been. Yeah. And challenge ourselves and challenge ourselves in stepping out in that space. And you guys are a part of that with with the feedback and with being in this community
supporting us here. That's a huge part of that. So we really appreciate that. Awesome, but this is the end of today's episode. Thank you so much for doing this. Don't forget to check out the survey in your emails. Yes, check them out. We'd love to hear from you guys, yes. Thanks guys, good chat.