Hey guys welcome to Honey. We need to chat. We have had a day. One evening we've had an. Evening, we did have an evening. Yeah, we had one. It's still in that. We're still having an evening, yeah. So we've been, yeah, well, it's it's not too late, which is good as nine. Getting up to 930. I had work tonight at a meeting.
You had to take the kids to A. Award tonight, and I didn't remember about it until I picked them up from school and they're very excitedly told me that we were coming back to school at 6:00 PM. So that was fun. I was very glad that you filmed it. Yes, it was very cute. Hmm, Yep. So something. It's tough. I really try and get to which my work usually allows for. Then, well, you don't normally have night time things on, so
that's helpful. Anyway, we're set up now, so tonight is a regular chat or no chat. Well, it's a regular there's. Not regular. Because we've got two different types, and the regular is both types because they're both. Regular. I think we need to find either a name for this type of episode, or just regular, normal, that kind of thing. This is a Reddit chat, so these in these episodes Amy will go on to Reddit and grab a bunch of topics that have been discussed
on there. Bring it to the podcast and we will discuss it either what would we do in that situation or how could we avoid that situation happening. When we think about we really try and bring it from our perspective rather than talk about what just about what they should do. But what would we like to do in that situation? So I don't know what these topics, so it's gonna be surprise surprise for all.
But before we start we brought I've brought out a chat jar because we love to do Ice Breakers to get us into the mood. Hmm, the chatting mood. So I have got a bunch of questions up on this jar. Did you show them your art on the jaw? It's very pretty. Chat. Jar and And even the paperwork on the outside, Yeah, the the very intentional. Ripping. Ripping of the Whatever Passata or whatever it was sticker. So I'm just going to grab questions out of here.
I'm going to ask 2 questions. You think you're amazing? Yeah. When you think so, I'm in charge of the Ice Breakers. Yeah, Just so you know, that's my job. All right. What's one thing you thought you'd never do until you met me? What's one thing I didn't really think I'd eat? Like hella penny pennies. Jalapeno jalapenos. I don't know her side. The spicy thing. Yeah, jalapenos. Filipinos, But I got into them a little bit. What do we what do you have with
it? You have jalapenos and something it's not by itself. Well, usually I'll have it with when we go to tacos, Tacos, tacos. I have wood chips and that Chipotle, I think it's Chipotle sauce, whatever it is so good, so good. Now I want that. The thing I thought I would never do until I met you was get into was it called the show San Parks and Rec and Parks? And well, the. Office. No, No, no, no, no, no, no. Like England. Old times. Downton Abbey. Yeah, that's the one.
I never thought I would get into shows like Downton Abbey. So we've just finished the. Yours are not working Gilded Age. And I really got into it. I actually really loved it. And I would never have. Got You Got into it more than I did. Yeah. At first I got into at the end because I was editing our episodes while we watched it. Question one down? No, just throwing. Down just threw it on the ground.
My job If you could pick any character from a book or movie that reminds you of me, who would it be? So there's a few. Nick from New Girl reminds me of you. Yeah. Yeah, I I reckon if there's any character from the guy that everyone. Be nice. Yeah. Yeah. He's the best. He's. You're just a little bit of like this cranky, older than your age, man. And just similar vibe, but also the guy from Sorry fluttering in the best way. That's what makes Nick endearing.
And then the guy from I Can't I'll Pimento. I think his name is. It's like don't know. If I should be insulted or honoured by that, but I'm actually strangely honoured. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a he's a good character. Brooklyn's crazy. If you don't know who he is, he's crazy. And there someone actually said it to us. One of our good friends is like, you look exactly like Pimento. Think it was her that said it first. And then I couldn't not see everything he's in.
Actually, that guy. I could just see your eyes and some of your face. What about? Me, I I don't have like a movie or TV character, but I remember when I saw you your. Smile. And I've said this ever since. Like your smile. Like your jawline and everything. Remind me of like Reese Witherspoon. Hmm. But don't know. Why? Which is so weird to me. Yeah, but I've had another person say that.
Yeah, as well. Yeah, I don't know why, but yeah, just your your jawline and your smile reminds me of her. So I guess like she's a she's in, but rather than a particular character. Is there anybody by personality, that or character that reminds you of me? No, because we don't really watch shows like that. Like, I feel like a lot of the shows we watched are extreme. I guess every character you've said about me is extreme and my
extreme. No, but you know what I think it might be is this is probably a hot take, controversial a lot of shows. The girl characters in my opinion are very weak characters, so or they're kind of annoying and potentially some people love them. But I'm like I'm listing off our favourite ones in my head right now and all of my favourite characters are the guy
characters. Yeah, because they're even though they're some of them are extreme, like Dwight for example from The Office. He's extreme but he's so you feel so much affection towards him. Whereas like Pam, she's nice, but she's kind of just like a. I said I like Penny and she has some great moments, but it's like it's she's, how I say, too dull to be like you. But I love her. Character. But it's not you. I will take it. That's the safest answer you could possibly have given.
Thank you. Yeah, well, that all that gets you off the hook of having to try and think of someone says good, yeah. Break the head into the topics. Yeah well firstly I just want to say even though this is this dates this episode a little bit, we have been so excited to have launched. Yeah cause cause we pre record so this won't come out until weeks after we've launched. But we launched this last week in real time and it's been so incredible and humbling and the feedback has been amazing.
And I was saying to Blair when I was preparing for this episode, I just want to, like, record and then release like, straight away because it feels weird to like, yeah, it's away. And also because we've learned so much in the episodes, we've recorded that, like, now we're doing things that we didn't do at the beginning. So I'm still having to edit our early ones and be like, yeah, And even now we're still. It took us like an hour to get more longer to get ready just to
try and brainstorm some stuff. But anyway, we're really excited. It's been amazing. Thank you so much for everyone that has supported us, shared like subscribe and all of that. But also I just want to say thank you so much for those that have written in my dad's been oh man, they're just warms our hearts, wants our souls. Just to get that feedback that it's been relevant to you guys.
It's been so encouraging because, yeah, especially when you start out, you don't know the impact that you could have. You just like, hey, this would be fun, but we hope we can help people. But until we actually hear it's, yeah, you just don't know. So that was probably the biggest thing is like, oh, we just going to be another podcast that just chats nothing news, but it hasn't been that.
And so we want to thank you so much for those that have written in and we want to keep encouraging that. So yeah, please tell us your stories, share with us. I would go on this journey with us as we as we grow, we want to grow with you guys. So we just want to thank you again. For all of the. Support. It's been very, very
encouraging. Of us have been on podcast previously like hosted podcast previously and the one that I did with a good friend of mine was a beautiful podcast and I love it And if you are a mom check it out this this is our village. But we did it for two full years and so many times we're like we can see people are listening like I said we'd say on our episodes like if you're listening let us know we'd put like surveys out and we got such
few responses, which is fine. I was like, I know there's people listening, I can see it And then after we finished the podcast we'd have people come up and say Oh my gosh, I listened to every episode. It was really encouraging but I was like I wish I'd known like I wish I'd known cause it was really hard. So it's been so nice to have feedback. So the first weekends, yeah. Like we, we launched Friday, yeah. And then by Sunday we're getting. Feedback and. Which is amazing.
Yeah, absolutely. And like Blair said like 100%. If you're sitting there like, oh, I really enjoy the podcast. But I don't really wanna message or I feel awkward messaging or they'll think it's weird or like like we love hearing that that means everything to us and it's really easy to fall into moments of being like is this even worth doing or like do people even
care about this. And so whenever we've had those messages, even in the last since Friday, which is not even a week, I've had so many ups and downs of being like, this is not going to do anything. It's not going to be important. And then I'll get a message and it's boosted that. So please do continue. Yeah. Anyway, so yes, as Blair alluded to, we have a theme for the
stories that I've collected. Sometimes it's hard to find stories that are fully and a theme, especially because they're so like each story, so unique. But I think I've gotten a vague theme and I'm just going to say it's probably not using English, right. And that's fine. The theme is. English is overrated. As we go on to our English speaking podcast, yes, the theme is the taboo of it all, meaning those things that are hard to talk about when you're married.
But they sometimes do sit there under the surface and we need to chat. Alright, so the first one is. These are all from R Slash relationships on Reddit. The first one is called. My boyfriend said that he likes me when I was skinny. Straight away. Right away in the guns in the gut. And I was, yeah, I was just gonna read it. Me, 21, female, and my boyfriend, 22 male, were out for dinner and talking about celebrities that had gained weight. He said he didn't like them
anymore because they got fat. So I asked him, do you think that about me too? When we met five years ago, I was skinny and pretty, but I've gained a lot of weight because of COVID, some family issues and other things in life that have caused me stress. Now I'm huge and I don't like myself, but he has never said anything about this. I hate this language, but I'm just going to read this story like the persons written it after I asked the question, he
said. I still like you, but if you're asking me if I prefer you now or before, I'm gonna say before the whole world just collapsed around me. I started crying and I asked what don't you like about me now? And he said I liked your skinny face and your body in general. We went home after that and I was crying a lot at home. I kept crying and he started saying that he still likes me and loves me and that gaining weight didn't change his feelings.
But he just wanted to answer the question honestly, I don't know what to think. Our sex life didn't change when I gained weight. It maybe even got better, which is why I was so shocked. Our relationship is fine, of course we fight, but not about love or attraction. I just think that when you love somebody, you don't care about their body. If they're fat, skinny, chubby, etcetera. You just love them for who they
are. If you've experienced something like this, tell me what to do and what to think about this. Hmm. So as I was preparing these stories. Thank you for the easy. Talk. I just dived right in. They're all a bit like this. That's the taboo of it all. As I was preparing for these stories, I was saying to Blair, I think there's two layers that I'm kind of going for, at least
right now. One is the story, which is the whole thing in its own, and then the other is the conversation that sits behind it. So addressing it slightly separately, yeah, yeah, just that's the kind of context of it. Well, cause again, what we wanna do is look at this scenario and put ourselves in our position, right? So we're not gonna come out from what he should and shouldn't have done straight up he
shouldn't have done. It he has said in his story, in the story that she's written, I still love you. Like it hasn't changed what I feel about you. In my thinking when I read this, I for one thing, they're 21 and
22, so they're young. I think potentially he said something stupid, not potentially he has said something stupid and potentially he didn't think through it very much when he first said it. Whether he I, I think it's very possible to still love somebody completely and have some negative feelings about stuff like how their body has changed. I don't know that it's important to say that to them. She did ask him. It's just one of those delicate. Things. That's where I was going to go.
Alright, so I just want to say some facts. Facts. Facts. I mean, COVID, I don't know where they were, but we put on weight in covered like oh man, what was our triggers we had. We would go into a circle cycle cycle. We would go too much alcohol and too much food and bought. Sorry, much dumb. Stuff. And too much alcohol. Too much? Food. So it would do one and then we'd move to the other, so we'd eat, overeat. That's what it started with. I think we're like ordering like
menu log all the time. Also, it was a really depressed time, like you were like burnt out. It was horrible. So I no down. I'm just saying, like, yeah, COVID was a time of putting on weight. Right. Ovary moved to alcohol, moved to buying, moved to overeating. Yeah. And as well, putting family stuff in there too, like there's other things that are in there now what? What I want to ask you because I, I hear this law from a lot of guys, like, they don't wanna lie about it. Right.
So this was us. Hmm. How would you have wanted me to respond if you were asking me? Because that's The thing is OK, like, just to say facts, right? You've had four kids. When? After you gave birth, you did not look like what you did. Like, straight after you gave birth, you did not look like what you did when we got married. Right. Now, I've said to you very truthfully, my love for you and everything had not changed. And it had not, my attraction to you had not changed at all.
I genuinely mean that. But if it's this person and I've, I've just heard a lot of guys say comments on like specific comments and I'm just like, why? Like obviously, obviously you know that you don't look the same as you did before having kids, right? Like straight after babies. I'm talking about obviously you knew that. How would you have liked me? How are you asking me this question? How would you like me to respond?
So the question that she asks in this is he's they're talking about celebrities that have gained weight and he's saying I don't like him anymore because I got fat. I think it's the first dumb comment. 100% like. Also, they don't like you either, so not down there anyway, but so they're already talking about that. So he's saying I don't like them because they gained weight. This is what she's written in. And then she says she's like, well, I've gained weight. Do you think that about me too?
Then he says I still like you, but if you're asking me if I preferred you now or before. Yeah, right. I would say before. So that is that is the thing. So if I was to say to you, have I gained weight and you said no, I'd be like well, you're lying because I know that I have. There's no, I don't think there's any benefit in lying to somebody. But I also don't think. I also didn't think if I had said, have I gained weight. And you're like, yes, that wouldn't be helpful either.
I think if you said, yeah, I mean your buddies changed, your buddies changed a lot, you've had four babies. And then reinforce that to me. And also, like, the neutrality of it, rather than it being like, yeah, you have, you know, or like, yeah, Yeah. Like there's like a there's a neutral park where it's like, yeah, your body's changed. I wouldn't want you to lie because for one thing, it would make me not trust you. Yeah.
And it's not necessary. Also it's my I've asked the question, hmm, if I said to you, do you not like me anymore as well, like you don't like these celebrities? And you said if you're asking if I preferred you before or now, and you said you preferred me before, see. But the reason I brought this up is not to just smash this guy cause he said something stupid it he'll probably be digging himself out of that grave for a long time. The reason I brought it up is people's bodies change.
Hmm. And especially for women, when they've had children, there's a huge insecurity around their body changing. How do people navigate that? That's kind of the underlying question. Well, how have you? That's probably a good question. Have you never got it that right? That's been a journey for you for for many years now.
Such a big question like is in there's not like an easy answer we can do in one episode, but instead of the insecurity side of it because we'll deal with it, I'll talk about that in a SEC. There's also the side of can a partner's attraction to someone waiver based on their physical appearance? And then I guess the other question is what is attraction? Because I think as you get older, everybody's body changes right and and breaks down.
And in most cases and everybody's case, as you get older, your body starts to breakdown. Some people get fitter as they get older and that's incredible. But you change, you get wrinkly, you get old. So traction can't be fully based on how you look, has to be something else as well. So I I so when you said that I had to take a deep pause because I feel like I've got a couple of different conversations in my head that I'm like how would that conversation go like well that scenario be.
I believe that it's down to what you're entertain your mind with. Yeah, right. If if you allow your mind to hold physical appearance above other elements of your partner, hmm, then yes, I think you could lose attraction to your partner, right. But if that's, I think that's a very shallow thing to hold on to because like you said, we were going to change. Like, you know, in 40 years we're going to look very differently. And we suddenly. Gonna be the issue there.
It's going to be can I actually get Ben money, you know? Like, can you do it? Yeah, and but even like, even not that you could be in a car crash and have or get horribly burnt suddenly. Like it's something totally outside of your control. Could totally change how you look suddenly. Yeah. And that's and I think that's The thing is like So what are you investing in with your relationship, right.
And again, the importance of communication, the importance of investing in the in our relationship, getting to know each other and that being the the beauty of the relationship rather than to attractive people. Hmm. Yeah, I'm like attraction is still a big part of that. Hmm. But it's not the the. I don't know. It's it's no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm looking No, no, no. You didn't say anything wrong. I'm looking because it's such a it's such a hot take.
It's such a complicated. Thing to say it but I I feel pretty strongly about that. I feel pretty strongly that it's it's really down to what are you holding on to in that relationship in the in terms of the values thing whatever else. You know if we take it covers for example we put on a lot of weight in COVID me included and you just you just had our daughter you had a lot more of an excuse than I did. For me putting on that weight was more than just me putting on
weight right. And she said herself she was going through stuff. Then she put on weight. And again, like I think of. When he's focusing on that, it's like he was looking for an excuse to say something. About exactly. And that's where all this sort of getting to be like cringy about cause he's focusing on the wrong thing there. Like, I don't think the focus is the weight and we've had health conversations you and that's very different than awake conversation.
It's tied in, but it's not. It's not the thing. No. And so we've had health conversations and then but it was really focusing on the underlining issues of what was going on. I think the what. So to answer my question, I just asked you the attraction thing. Similarly, in a previous episode we spoke about this your attitude, so like bitterness. Similarly to that what you like. You said what you entertain in your head is where your focus is going to be.
I think that physical attraction is an element of romantic love. But physical attraction is in the eye of the beholder because there are so many people that I, my friends, would say would be attractive. And I'm like, I don't see it. I don't see it at all. And the people that I found attractive that they wouldn't see as attractive.
So you can see attraction, attractive qualities in somebody outside of them looking perfect because nobody looks perfect for one thing, you can find attractive qualities in people. You can be attracted to different things. If that's purely based on their size of their body, then that's flimsy. Hmm. That's not a statement on them. For one thing. That's not a statement on this girl having gained weight like, oh, she's lost her attractiveness.
That's actually statement on how 3D his perception of attraction is. If that's what has happened, if he's lost his attractive attraction to her because she's gained weight, his attraction was very weak and very like, shallow. Shallow. Yeah, it's not deep. It doesn't have multiple dimensions to it and so that's more on him than it is on her. The other thing with this is what you focus on is what you
get. You can, you can look at somebody and be like there getting bigger and bigger and you can become so obsessed with that for whatever reason. It could be because of them changing or because of the lifestyle that sits around it. And that's probably more of a thing for us in our conversation has been more of like what's the lifestyle that we're sitting there sitting around, the health, the physical changes. So you know, not moving. That's a lifestyle that comes with other things.
So like, you know, you're not like you could be depressed, for example, and there's a whole bunch of stuff that plays into that. What you focus on is what's gonna fill your brain. And so I think if you are sitting there like obsessed about the fact that your partner is gaining weight, you're gonna be obsessed with the fact that gaining weight, you probably gonna find yourself struggling to feel physically attracted to them. You can also change that and focus on the things that are
beautiful about them. And I think everybody has things that are beautiful about them. And so I think that's a personal attitude challenge on them. The other thing about this is what is he wanting to gain from this conversation? What is your outcome that you want? Do you want them to know you actually gained weight? I want you to lose weight, like is that what cause that kind of sounds like what he was trying to do. Like he said, he found a moment so you just like answered so
that he could get. He could finally say the thing he wanted to say. If you want to build up your partner and help them be the best person that they can be, there's a way to go about this conversation that is not this way, especially if you know they're insecure. Absolutely. And yeah, I don't know. I just think back to the conversations we've had. Cause again, weight has been a big topic of conversation for us. And I'm not perfect.
Like I I say dumb stuff all the time, but never about weight. I don't think that's such a universal struggle for guys and girls. Like, I don't think it's just women. Well, she's insecure about it. She actually feels the same way, yeah. So it's easy to make him look like a villain because he said and he shouldn't have said it, but she also feels the same way, like she's got the same deal going on. It's just in the insecurity basket rather than the being
rude basket. Yeah, and I wanna say like as well for for me and for the guys listening into you know, I remember there was a moment so I was like, alright, so I'm struggling with this stuff, what can I do about it? And I think what you said to was focusing in on, you know, the the beauty of that person. You know that that's where you focus and actually be intentional about that focus
too. I remember when I felt like there was a flip, a switch that was flipped for me in terms of my intentionality of becoming the man, becoming the husband, the dad I wanted to be. And I and I think, you know, I'm talking about like it was a series of sermons talking about pretty much had a love a woman in a way, in a non sleazy way. And it was the real challenge to me because I think growing up too and I didn't. I'm a, you know, a family of me, my brother and my dad and my mum, right?
So my, the influence of how to speak to women and stuff like that was very minimal for me. I didn't have. There wasn't many women around. No, exactly right. And I was in a very man's man world growing up and stuff like that too. And not to blame that, but it was. It was actually when I saw there was something different in a different way to do it and and an honourable way to be a a husband and dad and stuff like
that. I'm like oh man, that's something I want to do. But it took that moment for me to see something different, to realise that I need something different. So the same time we want to show grace. This guy 100% be like look dude you're young man yeah you know and but also the challenge at
the same time. But do something about it like you you do something about that you have a choice to to fix this to or not fix it. But you have a choice to stay down with path and be shallow or be a man and and suck it up and like change your views. And see the deeper things.
Exactly right. Yeah I think something I want to say is well is she's obviously insecure so and that's that is such a common story especially for girls, I think for everybody but especially for girls and especially around white and physical appearance. The best way you can ever encourage your partner to be a the best version of them is to
be uplifting and encouraging. So the I think the you would get way better results and that sounds so weird what I'm saying like I hear it but way better results with the parenthesis, the quotations by being super encouraging, making her feel super loved, making her feel really valuable, making her feel very safe that's going to. I've the times where I've struggled with my motivation in any way have been when I'm like I'm feeling low, I'm stuck on the couch and I'm.
I feel lower and lower. Like that just makes it harder and harder for me to get out of a rut of whatever kind. The best times are when I feel empowered and uplifted and safe and I'm able to get out of that. Then I'm actually able. It's like my brain opens up to these other concepts like health and that took me years, like taking pride in how I look like that kind of thing isn't. It's like it's like survival
mode in your head. When you're in that place and when you're in survival mode, you don't have the capacity to think about how your physical appearance like or how to prioritise how your physical appearance is or how your health fitness is, that kind of thing, that's not what you put your brain into. Your energy goes into survival.
So until you're kind of helps to get out of that and then your brain can kind of like then you can like expand your mind and think about health, think about how you might feel better physically and that kind of thing. Like once you're when you're stuck in that clutch of insecurity driven stuff, it doesn't get better. Even if she was to lose a tonne of weight, that wouldn't fix this problem at all. But you can. Like you can't work on this together.
You could work on it. Um, but this is not the way, to say the least. It's such a I think this is just such a big topic we can talk. About for ages. I mean, and I think we we should recover back another point just for sharing, maybe in a chitchat episode. Yeah, it's a big, big topic. It's hard to know what to cover in this. We might move on to the next one. Let's do it again. No, that's a bad accident. Yeah, man, what we say there are lost when you start off with my. House.
Say about this, this is huge. That's why, that's why I said I want to just talk about these things that like that's just something that sits under relationships. People don't want to talk about it. Maybe shouldn't be talked about sometimes, but there is a conversation there. Yeah, absolutely. Hey guys, we just wanna pause for a second here just to ask
you guys for a huge favour. Can you please like, share, subscribe this episode that goes a huge way and supporting us, helping us reach more people and to build this awesome community of people to be continually growing in our relationships with our spouses, with our partners and with you guys as well. So thank you very much. So next one. I, 21, female, feel like I am emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, 21, male, again,
young, just to note the ages. So my boyfriend, male, 21, and I, female, 21, have been together for a little over a year. Things haven't always been great. We've had our fair share of disagreements but always managed to meet each other halfway. He's very committed to me and really wants to take care of me and have a family someday. He's also quite attractive. We will both have a great income in a few years because of our education, so starting a family even as early as 25 is very
possible. Now here's where my problem began. Recently I've been in two. I've been into two specific men I know one of them is 40 plus, and my relationship is nothing but professional. So in my mind it's a crush and nothing I won't forget in a couple weeks. It's just a harmless crush, probably induced by his talent and confidence. The other guy, I'll call him A, is where I start to worry, although not in the way you might think.
This man is almost 40. He's absolutely gorgeous, and I mean sex symbol kind of gorgeous. He is one of those guys knows how good he looks and how smart he is, so his confidence really shines through. He's also really successful. I've known a for a few years and about two years ago I noticed he started flirting with me. I was single back then and hadn't even met my boyfriend
yet, so I subtly flirted back. This happened for just a little while until I found out he was married, so I immediately backed off, even though he still continues to flirt very openly. I mean, before I knew he was married, the chemistry was there for sure. Now I know this might look bad, but it's not what you think. I would never get involved with married men, even if I was single.
I love my boyfriend and I don't have any intention to hurt him, but every time one of these men crossed my mind or flirt with me in parentheses, she says, I don't flirt back. I can't help but feel guilty. If I hadn't found out he was married two years ago, I probably would have gotten involved with him back then. I see him around quite often, especially the last few months. Even thinking about these things makes me feel like I've somehow cheated on my boyfriend, like he
doesn't deserve this. A is still messing with my head. I just need some solid advice on what might resolve the situation. OK. So there's a B&C, there's three guys, is that right? Well, so. Like one being her husband or her boyfriend. Girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so. So there's the first guy is just so much she works with and she thinks he's great. But she's not really worried about that.
She says. Yeah, second one is this guy a, she calls him and he's the one that's married and they've known each other for a few years and she was flirting with him before she realised that he was married. So again, there's two sides to this conversation. One is this conversation and her question around what to do with that and the other is how you navigate attraction in marriage. And it sort of plays off the last question because what is
attraction sort of thing? My first thoughts on this is I can't remember or figure out if she knows these guys from work. That's what I couldn't figure out what her context was around. I don't think she said it in her story. So for the first thing on my mind is, well, what context are you seeing them in? Is it something you can avoid? And if it is, avoid it, especially the married guy, like
avoid Big Red, avoid that. If it's something you can't avoid, that's a that's a different dynamic and something you have to work out because we don't always have control around. Like if we're working with someone, for example, we do have control at the very like base of it all, we could be like, OK, that's it, there's too much of a thing I gotta leave for tell my boss or something like that.
For until it gets to that extreme, it's not very easy to control who you're around and that that sphere. So I don't know what the context is here. If she's got control over how much she's seeing them, my first thing is thinking is if you're feeling that way and you're a little nervous about it, you're nervous enough to write interpreted about it, then you should be probably trying to remove the contact with that person.
So we have been. You and I have been wide districts like with this in terms of not this ever happened to us, but we would take drastic measures like no room for anything to come into our relationship at all. Like that's that's the thing like even to the point where we would change jobs, we would like if and that's The thing is like even if he she worked with him, even if it is a work context and I was not as easy, but we would do that.
We would remove ourselves from that workplace if that was not a healthy place for us to be in. If there's any room is something coming to between our marriage, our relationship, we would remove. That which is I wanna just note, is really easy for us to say when we're not having to do that cause absolutely obviously the reality of changing jobs is especially right now, hectic as. Yeah, absolutely. That's what I'm saying. Like, yes. That's a very daunting thought. But priority what?
I'm saying is like, I know I'm still gonna stick to my guns on that. Though it's really easy, no, I totally agree with. You, I would like stress that the level of boundary and yeah, action that needs to be taken place or something like that, something entering into between the relationship with someone else. Cut it off. Yeah. Again much, much easier to be said than done. Yeah. The other part is I think if if that was you, I would have expectations.
So again depending on where what level was at and if if it wasn't too far down that line if like she says in there the hunky bunky was flirting with her and she wasn't floating back, I would expect you to say something to him. So actually that's inappropriate. Again I yeah. It's there's no excuse like there's no. I know she's like he's doing the one thing. It's like she's she's putting it off to some It's not it's not me. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing that. Like, yeah, you're. Not she can't stop thinking about. Them exactly. And she's entertaining it still, by the sounds of it. And she's allowing it still because she, you know, my guess is that she likes that feeling. So you know, it's nice when someone shows you that attention. It is nice, but that's a no go zone if you've got another relationship. Yeah. Drastic measures, it's not OK. There's never OK, never allow it in.
So I think that's it. I would say, like what I would expect you to do is say to him that's inappropriate. I'm in a relationship and he might be like, Oh no, it's fine, it's fine. Doesn't matter. I don't appreciate it. Yeah, doesn't matter if you have a crush on him or not. The word crush of someone else in relationship to me. Just.
It's annoying. Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree. And I think one thing that and we've spoken about this specific thing before, but because you were a pastor, it was almost like amplified the need to put boundaries in place. I think we would have done it anyway, but it was good like to have that extra pressure because it was just obviously pastors need to be extra super careful because of other stuff that's been going on. But I think you need to as a couple.
It's really important across the board to figure out what your values are and your priorities are. And especially in this area, you need to sit down as a couple and you need to be able to say like you need before it happens.
You need to have already put boundaries in place about like what is appropriate and what isn't and what would you do and what wouldn't you do. And I think if if your genuine answer to the question is like if your question is what do you want the outcome to be for your relationship, for this situation, whatever and your your genuine answer is I want us to be like me and my partner, to be stronger. I want nothing to come in between that. I don't want even like the hint of that temptation.
Then there's things that need to be like then that's your value. So then you need to figure out your behaviour from here. First thing is, I don't know that she's spoken to her partner. So that's one thing that I think for me that would be the first. Thing. For only a year. And so also to put in here, they are just dating so which is and they're young.
Not to say that in dating that that's fine because it's still not fine that to me, I'm like, if you're moving on emotionally, you need to either decide if you're going to stay with him or move on emotionally. You don't just drag him on. Already in How stable is this, this relationship? Yeah, I mean, I have that confidence that he would be. Still there. Yeah.
We've had through exactly. And it is a lot easier when you have a commitment to your partner to kind of fall back on and be like OK, well, when it when the rubber hits the road, this is where our line is. And I know that you've got my back and I know that I've got, I've got your back kind of thing. But yeah, have the conversation. That's the first thing I would do in this situation. It would be so hard. And I think I'd be like, I don't wanna make Blair freaked out, but we have had these
conversations. Well, not quite this conversation, but like conversations in this arena where we've had to say uncomfortable things and be like, this is something I just want to make you aware of and what are we going to do about it? Kind of thing or just even just talking about it. So it's out like we've spoken about on the podcast before, things that are dark, like in the darkness, in the like dark parts of your brain just sit there in there faster.
They don't get better, no. So especially when it's something that you need to work on together, I think having that conversation together is really important. I know of some people that have been in this situation though, and again, it's so hard and I don't want to come across like it's easy at all. Their fear is like, but then my good friend too, and we're gonna lose that relationship.
And when I heard them, I'm gonna hurt my my husband, I'm gonna lose that friendship, all that sort of stuff. And yeah, it's, I mean, it's going to be so hard. But again, we just have that no compromise. Well, what does compromise do? Is the question that I'd have in that situation. Cause what? Yeah, you keep a friendship with somebody and but if it's already crossing boundaries, it's already getting blurry. What is the benefit like? What is the long term outcome of
that friendship? What is the long term goal? And that's always helps me when I'm trying to figure stuff out. Is like what I want long term. What's the dynamic I want long term? And if it's that I am OK with, like, potentially just continuing to face over and over slippery slopes of temptation in this area, All right, yeah, but that's not normally gonna be people's answer.
It freaks me out a little bit. Like when when I hear that, it's like, oh man, just nothing should be more important than your relationship with your partner. Like no other relationship should be more important, so prioritise that. Like every relationship is secondary by far. You know, there's a there's a phrase from one of my favourite podcasts which is F politeness. I'm just going to say F politeness, because that's who I am. Fridge politeness.
F politeness. And they're talking about it from your safety perspective, because especially for women, like, we tend to struggle to be impolite. If someone's like even like, hitting on you or something and you don't like it, it's hard to just be like piss off. But this is the same sort of thing here, too. Like, it could feel, it would feel so uncomfortable to have to
say something to him. It would feel so uncomfortable because what if he turns around and he's like, I'm not flirting with you and you're like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't think that like that would be so uncomfortable. But you know what F politeness. Because if he is flirting with you, if his intentions are different, even if he turned around and said I was not flirting with you, which is likely what he would say, because who would?
Who would fess up to it? Yeah, especially as a married man. You're not losing anything you. It's an uncomfortable conversation. You are drawing your line, you are showing where your boundaries at. You're calling him on it, even if he if even if he gaslights you in that moment, he's like, no, I wasn't doing that. You're making it all up in your head. You've lost nothing like you have lost nothing because someone like that is not actually worth your friendship and effort.
If they're gonna do that, if they're willing to compromise their marriage because of that, that's not in my mind. That's not someone who I want to put my polite energy towards and if it's at the compromise of my partner, it's just not worth it. I mean, they're talking about kids and stuff. You talk about having a family. Get into it like you know. Don't get into it. Get out of it and get into him, you know, for him. OK, yeah, alright.
So that's, that's that one. I think the other element of it is attraction in relationship, which sort of just ties into what we've said. And that is, for me, that's the same thing like you will people are attractive. They're people that you'll find more and more, more or less attractive. I think again, what you put your
brain to is where it stays. You looking at someone like they're pretty attractive and then you turn away and you go on with your life is one thing that's going to happen. You can't control that. Looking at someone like they're pretty attractive, so pretty attractive. And then walking away and be like they were really attractive. Yeah, that's a whole different thing. Like that's where that stuff starts. Yeah. And that's where you're in control of your attitude and
your brain. You don't just stumble into love with somebody you don't just like randomly all of a sudden be like, I can't get this person out of my head because they're so attractive. You have control over what's going on in your head. If we didn't, we'd all be walking around like toddlers, just snatching things off people. Cool. There's Dang toddlers. Hmm. OK, I'm gonna read him the titles to you and you can tell me which one you want to talk about.
I want to pursue gymnastics, but my boyfriend isn't comfortable with it. Should I drop gymnastics? Let's do that one. Yeah, yeah, cause it's light. No, because I think we can relate. To it, Yeah. That's why I put it in there. Yeah, cool. All right, last story. I19 female want to pursue gymnastics, but my boyfriend male twenty of one year isn't comfortable with it.
Should I drop gymnastics? I've had gymnastics as a hobby and a passion for a while now and I've always wanted to get back to it as I dropped it for a while because I was too busy. I found a place that is near my work but the trainers are men. My boyfriend, after learning that they will be touching me to support my back while training, didn't really like that and started making jokes about how all these men will be touching me and how they are going to be on top of me.
I didn't like what he said and it got me upset. I felt like he wasn't supporting me. Later, when I told him I didn't like what he said, he started telling me it was just a joke, but that he was right about how I shouldn't go to a place where all the trainers are men. Keep in mind there's no other place around the area, so I'm going to have to drop the idea of getting into gymnastics again if I do listen to him. So here are my questions.
One, is it fair for him to think that I shouldn't do gymnastics? And two, should I drop gymnastics because he doesn't like it? Scenario where we're coming from with this. The context. Context. Yeah. And the lens while we're coming from from this. So our our scenario was Amy got accepted into acting school in Hawaii when we met just after we met. And I had applied before I met you. And it's a bit different here, though, because one was in a
different country and I didn't. I wasn't ready to do long distance when we first met. So I'm someone that was like, I was never interested in the girlfriend, you know, I've never been interested. Yeah. Just have. To just have a girlfriend that's always like I'm looking for a wife, This is something that I always wanted. And so for me, I'm like, look, long distance. It's just it's not for me, you know. So that's that into it. That's where it's different. I I did have issues with you
pursuing. Acting. I wanna get your feedback on this too. I'm not saying what I've done is right. Yeah, I wanna get your perspective cause we haven't really had this conversation for years now. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't really OK with you doing acting school. One. I really didn't want you to be kissing another guy again. That's that's my job. You know that's I'm the only guy that you did that with that that was very strong on that. Yeah.
Even pretend relationship I just wasn't OK with, you know, especially back then And yeah, I just, I don't know. I think for me the the lack of security that is like it's just such a gamble. So you hear stories of people that have gone out and want to be an actor and they go there for years and just nothing ever happens.
I mean I'm not I'm not ready to have that life like, you know, to to try it for a number of years because the investments you need to try and make it. I wasn't ready for that kind of you need to choose in a way. I don't remember the exact words I said, but it was along those lines. And you aid, hmm. You didn't give me an ultimatum. It wasn't. Well, it wasn't like we had. We weren't even officially dating when this happened, for one thing. Just to give context.
More context. And you weren't like, what is it? My way or the highway? It would have been like, as in, like, we wouldn't have dated if I had decided to go to Hawaii. But also, like, I wouldn't have wanted to either. Like, I would it would have been, oh, that's my life, that I'm pursuing them. And so I, it wasn't like my boyfriend telling me I'm going to break up with you if you go over there.
That's a different situation. That was more like we were getting to know each other and these were the things we're kind of exploring. And you were like, well, if that's what you want to explore, that's fine. But that's probably not what my journeys. Yeah. And so that was just part of it. It's really interesting because there's two, two things I've really wanted to do in my life. Like for my whole life, that's what two things that I've been super passionate about.
One is I always wanted four kids. I just wanted a family. I wanted kids, like ever since I was little. That's the thing. I was like, I just want to be a mom and I want 4 kids and I want to be married. And that was literally one of my life goals. And I'm not like a super maternal person. I'm not someone who's like obsessed with babies or anything like that. But I knew that I wanted that. He struggled to be a stay at home. Mom and I struggled to be a stay
home mom. Yeah. I'm not someone who's like the classic oh she's such a mum. Like that's just not who I am. But I love having kids and and that literally was one of my things that I was like that's what I want. And the other thing was acting and it's ever since I was 13 I watched it was ironically is literally Reese Witherspoon that like yeah, literally Legally Blonde. Yeah, yeah. So when I watch Legally Blonde I like deep die. I was at a friends house. I remember so clearly.
I was at a friend's house, 213. I was having a sleepover with her. We watched Legally Blonde and we deep dived into the, like, behind the scenes special stuff that you got on DVD's back then. And I was just like, Oh my gosh, this May, This lady is amazing. She had started her own, like, movie production company. I was like, I'm going to do that because I'm not going to like do what everyone wants me to do. Like I didn't want to be naked and that kind of thing.
The chilli is like a light bulb had turned on for me when I was 13 and I saw this movie. I I don't even know if I'd ever considered acting before. I was like, I'm going to be an actress and that just followed me through my entire life. Like, I still feel that way. Now I'm doing it. Now I'm in. I'm doing it now I'm. I'm a nun in Sound of Music, but I am. I'm like, drama is a huge passion of mine.
And so those are the two things very, very clear, very distinct in my head that I was like, these are the two things that I want to do with my life. But they weren't. Like, I always knew that if I wanted to pursue acting and actually pursue, pursue it, like do it the way that I would need to do it to get anywhere, I wouldn't be able to have a family. Or at least I wouldn't be able to have the picture of a family that I wanted when I wanted it,
which was as soon as possible. And so even before I met you, I even had this super clear voice in my head, which to me is God. Everybody has different views on that. But for me, it was very clearly, this is God telling me you can do acting or you can have your family. And I was like, I've already applied for the school. And I met Blair literally like two weeks after. I think I was in the process of doing it. And then I heard back from them as we were starting to get to
know each other. And I very clearly was like, I could pick. Blair was like straight away when we saw each other, just kind of knew that we. Were tell that story. We'll tell that story in more detail, but it was very like, it wasn't just a random thing. It was very intentional from the very beginning for both of us. And so I knew you were significant, and I knew drama was significant, but that there was two separate lives and I could just totally, I'm just totally telling my whole life
story right now. But that's good that I could choose, basically. I felt very clearly I can choose either. None of neither of them was bad. And I chose to stay. And yeah, and not just to stay and be with you. Like that wasn't my whole identity all of a sudden. But there's other things I'm interested in, other things that I've explored, like a community that I like, my friends and my family and everything. That there was a whole bunch of reasons to stay here.
There was a whole bunch of reasons to go to Hawaii, but I chose to stay here and. Here we are. Wham bam, 4 kids. And four kids later. So it's hard, yeah, to say this because there's a couple of things going on in this story. One is he's not comfortable with a bunch of guys touching her body all the time. I understand being uncomfortable about that.
And the kissing thing is a good example of this is kind of the same like you wouldn't have been comfortable with your wife kissing random guys or kissing guys just for her job. Same as if someone, if you were to do that for your job, if something to do with working with dads meant you had to kiss all these women. Well, he's. Back or cancel these dads? I would be super uncomfortable with that. So it's totally fair to be uncomfortable with your partner doing that.
I don't think it's fair for the boyfriend to say you need to drop gymnastics. I think it's fair for him to say I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend being touched by a bunch of boys, so that's a conversation we need to have if you're gonna pursue this. So that's, I think, the distinction. We and again it was gonna say is
it's a conversation to be had. You know it's not a you know she's like oh should I dropped gymnastics Well that's what you've got that she's gonna come to the conclusion of We had conversations it wasn't again. I didn't give the ultimatum I want you to drop acting like look this isn't for me this
isn't what I want. And he could be the same thing like this is not the path that I want to go down and and it is a little bit of an ultimatum but I mean again I think there at that age where that's they get to work that out. You know like the still young to be dating for a year working out like this is so she needs to work out called Why? What's more important to me in this relationship or this
career. Yeah. And what also, I know she's saying there's nowhere else for me to go, but in my head I'm like, are you thinking creatively? Like, are you trying to work around? There could be compromise there. I think ultimatum has a bad connotation. People are like, oh, but I actually don't think ultimatums in the right context have to always be bad. Like, I don't think they have to be some selfish, pushy thing all
the time. I think if you're making an ultimatum on someone because you're like exactly what we've said, this is not what I am comfortable with from my partner so we can chat about it. But that's not probably the journey for me that's that does mean she has to be like OK do I stay with you or do I pursue this thing so that in that sense it is an alternative. But it's not like him being like drop gymnastics. Like I hate that you're doing gymnastics. You can't do gym like
controlling. He's got every right to say he doesn't wanna be dating someone who's touched by all these men. I think it's personally I don't feel like. It sounds exaggerated. It sounds exaggerated. It's not what I would do necessarily. Like, whatever her decision is, she can't do that grudgingly. She has to do it for herself, yeah.
Yeah. And it was the same thing for me. I could not have done that because you told me not to. Like I couldn't have been like Blaze told me not to do it. So I'm not going to do it. I had to be comfortable with that decision and I had to own that decision because otherwise I would be better. And there's been times that I've been like I wish I had pushed harder to do acting, not gone to Hawaii. That was just like a long distance.
Hell no, no. But like, I wish I'd push harder to do acting in some capacity or to just bring drama into my life in the nice the theatre sense. I have plenty of drama in other ways, but to bring that in in other ways, like I didn't have to drop it completely, which I did for a long time. But yeah, I think, yeah, you're so right. You need to make the decision for yourself. When you're married is different. Hmm. You're making a decision for
your family. But when you're dating, especially in this situation, you need to make a decision for yourself and you need to own that decision or you will find yourself bitter down the track. And you've brought that up quite a lot about acting. I think something in reflection. I could have encouraged you more in that. I think I was just quite, you know, this is me trying to think on the spot here, but I just think I was like, yeah, do it.
If you want to do it, do it like in theatre stuff, like local theatre things not like Hollywood sort of stuff. So I think that for that I probably could have been more encouraging like hey let's alright, let's let's look into it, let's you know, because I think yeah, you definitely were keen on doing stuff but never really followed through with it after that too. I don't think you understood you were. No, I don't.
I'm sorry. From A different world, like yeah, now you understand a lot more cause you've gone into musicals and stuff, which is like Hamilton. Have gone into me. You've gotten in, like hasn't gotten interested in, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas at the time there was like such a foreign thing. For you, I went to the first musical like Trees and. Matilda or something. Else, maybe it was before we had our oldest. But anyway, we're married so I was like you introduced me two theatre.
But before then, yeah, I'd never. Not even your whole world, like your whole everything was just so the absolute opposite of where I do feel like, if I'm honest, I feel like you are a little bit embarrassed by me wanting to be accepted into acting. And that makes me, it doesn't make me sad now. It it made me feel understood a little bit, which has been something that we've worked through as we've gone and like, even now, like you haven't seen me act ever. I'm super excited. Yeah.
I have 0 embarrassment. I'm telling people to come with me to come watch, you know, like it's but again yeah and that's that's something I apologise for. Like I I genuinely was, but because again, I was just so didn't get it. Like I was just so and I had a specific view of it in my head which is so not true. As well, which like is thank you for apologising, but the situation wasn't because you were embarrassed. I didn't decide not to do it because of that.
I think I didn't pursue it more, maybe slightly because of that. I just, I think there's a lot of stuff in my life that I felt either I haven't communicated it well or people just don't get how significant it is to me. And so I just won't kind of go there for a while. But we're in a really good place with that now. When you were super encouraging for this production that I'm in and totally encouraging to our kids to explore that stuff and everything too, yeah, which is
cool. Anyway, that's my whole life story about theatre and drama. But that's why I put the story in there because I thought it was relevant. And the taboo side of that, just to tie back into the theme as we finish up, is like the exactly, it's conversation.
Where is the balance between putting influence into what your partner does for certain boundaries and that kind of thing with something she's passionate about, her partner is not comfortable with it. Where is that balance and how do you navigate, which I think we explored. Yeah, it's through communication.
Communicate well. Thank you for all the other thing that we implemented if you didn't catch our last episode was we've decided that ChatGPT is going to write our corny outros for us. So every week, we'll come up with a different corny altro. Well. PT Will Sorry, So brace yourself every week for a very exciting AI generated outro. Folks, we've wrapped up another gab fest at Honey. We need to chat like a bear to honey. We hope you stick around for more sweet talk next time, Chowskie.
Excuses, I wanna say no I didn't. That's super corny and some Blair. Alright, bye. Bye.