Have you ever had a moment where your mouth moves faster than your heart? You mean one thing, but your words come out like a slap to the face? Well, there's episodes for you. Over the last few episodes, we've been talking about clumsy conversations and how easy it is to miscommunicate. And today we're going to take that one step further. We're going to be reading from rated stories of people who accidentally said the wrong thing. And we're going to be looking
at, well, where to from here. Because sometimes it's not what you meant, but it's how it's landed. So if you've ever thought to yourself, but that's not what I meant, then there's episodes for you. Yes. So we're going to dive into Reddit stories about this topic, real Reddit stories of people accidentally implying or saying something they did not mean. So welcome to Honey We need to Chat, the podcast all about
communication in relationship. We believe that when communication dies, bad things happen. And so we chat and we bring these things to the episodes and we are chatting with the heart to try and strengthen relationships. My name is Amy and this is my husband Blair. Hello. And usually Blair does this intro. So I almost said my name is Blair and this is my wife Amy. But Amy, this is Blair. Welcome. Welcome had a lot of people join us over the last few weeks.
And so we just want to say a big welcome to you. Thank you so much for following on this journey and joining this journey because as we grow and we discuss this, our heart and prayers that you will too. So we want to do this together. Thank you so much for joining and just do all the things, do all the things like share, subscribe comments. What another thing we love to do is we love to hear from you. Yeah, so write in. We do listen to write write
insurance as well. So we've got another one coming up next week where we're going to be. We've had a write in and we're gonna be sharing about that and giving our thoughts on that as well. And also sometimes bringing some material for those that have been here for a while. You know that Amy's also a life coach and she works a lot with women on, you know, just identifying their own stuff and working through their own situation and understand that you're not stuck.
You have the tools that you need and you have the ability to work through that. So we do that too on this podcast. We just help navigate through these different circumstances. So right in we'd love to hear from. You. Yeah. And we've got free resources on the website to support you in this process as well. Honey, we honey, we need chat.com.
I was gonna say www.againhoneyweneedachat.com Lots of free resources to support you and your partner in your navigating of communication in your relationship. And we also have some more exciting stuff coming up. So check out the tubes on that, the YouTube, your tubes, look at them, check them out and we'll, yeah, you'll see what's happening there. But that's a secret. All right, so let's dive into some Reddit story.
Let's get it. This first story is called I Accidentally Hurt my Boyfriend's Feelings and it's not what I meant. My boyfriend, 30 male and I27 female have been together almost two years. We live together in a small studio apartment and normally we communicate really well. But yesterday I messed up and I can't stop thinking about it. We're both burnt out, he's finishing his PhD and I work full time in crisis services. On top of that, I was raised in a very traditional household
where women did everything. Housework, emotional labour, you name it. And that narrative still gets in my head sometimes, even though I hate it. He does help. He carries a laundry up and down three flights of stairs, takes out the trash and does about 30% of the dishes, but I do the rest. Most of the dishes, cooking, cleaning, tidying. He turns off the hot water to save money so I can't do the dishes unless he turns it back on, which stresses me out when I
come home to mess after work. Yesterday was a rough day, 40°, emotionally exhausting at work and I walked into a pile of dishes. I couldn't relax. I change, started doing the dishes in cold water and started sobbing. He asked if I was mad and I said no, we just have different standards of cleanliness and I have to resign myself to the fact that you don't like or want to do these things and that's fine. As soon as I said it, I felt bad.
Neither of us said anything for what felt like forever. Then he got up and started to get laundry ready to takedown. I told him he didn't have to do that right now, but then he said no, it's fine, I don't want you to resign yourself to living a life with me. It crushed him, he said it was the most hurtful thing I've ever said. That's not what I meant. I meant that I was tired of feeling like I had to become my mother, doing it all silently.
I apologise, explained, cried, who talked it through and hugged. But there's still a heaviness between us. How do I move forward? How do I show him I still see what he does even if I slipped up? This is a very common thing that we see over the gender roles and things, right? So there's there is a culture shift that is happening where, you know, a lot of men are looking at this situation of like, well, I don't, I don't want you to do everything at home. Like I want to be able to step
up in this way. But with that as well, you know, you don't just change, you don't just do it right. There's this element where you have to grow into that. It's over really putting in solid habits and habits take time to actually set in and all this sort of stuff. You can see here she's exhausted, right, Emotionally exhausted or just exhausted in general.
And the way that she's communicate could have come across from him, but and we don't know his situation, but it could be from the way that he's bonded, because it doesn't sound like a very like it's not a she hasn't said something like outrageously like hard to him, but you don't know what he's
already wrestling with. And it sounds like he's already wrestled with something in this space where he's like, I've been trying so hard in that area and it's I'm just failing, you know, and now I'm, I'm, I'm not the man that I wanted to be. I'm I'm this and that I I'm saying that through conversations that we've had, I've had with other men, but also just with myself, right. We have these expectations on ourselves. And then it's it's just, yeah, it sucks. It sucks to hear that.
I think the the painful part is she's implied accidentally that she's resigned herself to a life with him. Yeah. And that is a really hard thing to hear, like your partner. So I feel like that would be. Well, I feel like that's what I feel like this is kind of being, I feel like it's kind of being, not exaggerated is the wrong word, but it it feels blown up because she hasn't said that. Like I don't read that. I'm like, I'll resign your way
to cleaning. I have to resign myself to the fact that you don't like or want to do these things, and that's fine. That's what a life and that's what I mean. Like, I feel like that's been out of proportion and I feel like a lot of time that happens is because that person is already wrestling with. Something. Yes, and it's triggered. More because I don't think she said anything drastic there.
It's interesting because I so obviously that she said they're both burnt out and really, really tired. And so when you are tired and, and you're already frustrated about stuff, things come out of your mouth. You don't have the philtre. But it's not just the philtre doesn't mean that everything that comes out of your mouth is accurate. It's just not filtered. You also don't have the words and we spoke about that in the
last few episodes. Like you actually say words wrong or you say them without thinking about the bigger meaning or the implications or that kind of thing. And so I think that's what's happened here. It sounds like she's she said something out of an exhausted place that is connected to her own fear. And then like you said, he's received it on face value. Obviously, he doesn't know the context of what she was trying to communicate or how she's really feeling.
And then it's it's meant more to him because of whatever he's navigating and he's he's working through. I think when you're also, when you've seen a pattern within your family and you have a deep fear of that repeating. Yeah, everything that reinforces that is harder and harder. And we've had that play out for us. And for me, I resonate with this story a little bit because even though so there's a few layers to it, One is the reality is you're aware of a pattern that you're not happy with.
So automatically you're on the front foot, like you automatically have a step ahead in terms of this pattern playing out for you. Then your parents did because you've seen it, you've recognised it. And it can feel really disheartening because you can start to see similar things, but already you're ahead in terms of that area because you're aware of it and you're not OK with it. So that's, that's actually a benefit.
And then the flip side of that too, is everything that falls into that category that kind of feels like it's reinforcing it for you, feels bigger than it probably would look from an outside perspective. So every little thing that she has to do for him would feel bigger to her than it would someone who didn't experience this growing up and didn't have a fear of repeating this as an adult. So you're inflating that mentally.
And then we don't even know because this is from her perspective, what happens for him. And I resonate with this because my dad was quite a like beautiful man, but he struggled to regulate himself. And so I spent a lot of my life trying to regulate him, which really was not my role and I couldn't do realistically. But as a kid and as a young adult, I, I felt like I had to regulate him and make sure he was OK. And if I didn't like the wrong thing, would push him over the
edge. And when you went through your burnout, I had a couple times where I was like, you were really struggling with your, your patients and your temper and your reactions, especially mostly to the kids. And I had a few moments where I was like, it would spark this fear for me because I'm like, I did not sign up for having to do this with my husband. Like, this is not what I wanted. But I also then had to like, like, Blair is not my husband.
Blair is Blair is my husband. Blair is not my dad. In so many ways. And including what I've just said, we're already aware of these patterns and we're already working on them to your like teachability and your desire to better yourself and, and strengthen yourself and your freedom in that is well beyond what my dad ever experienced. And you were aware of that and owning that yourself.
But it didn't like, there was times where I was like, it was quite triggering for me because I was, I was all connected to this big story. It wasn't an accurate read of the situation, but because of what I was carrying, it did inflate it for me. And I know you've had the same exact scenario was really triggering for you in terms of your fatherhood and that kind of thing because of your experience too. So it's it is such a complicated mess of factors. Does that play into it?
Yeah, and I think it's this is just such a clear example of that. You know, again, she's she's exhausted. She just said I have to settle for your way of cleaning. He's taken that way further, way, way further than just the cleaning. That's like my whole life, you know. You know you regret. Assigned an identity thing? Yeah, a big a big story to it. And that's we've done that episode on triggers as well, right? Like, and then go check that one out.
Like it's the triggers we bring to our responses is so much more important to be aware of than we realised. Well, then I realised, you know, when we first started dating and being engaged and stuff was, yeah, we brought so much baggage to those conversations. It wasn't just about the conversation we're having or about the topic, the issue that we're trying to navigate through those all these other things that we brought to that and we had to also navigate through.
And that was the beauty of, of being the beauty of, you know, nearly eleven years of marriage of like we have had to work through that. We've had to be very intentional with that. We've had to get professional help at times. We've had to just be, you know, intentional with ourselves and and our individual selves and what we bring to it as well. So I could just see that trigger. And we don't, we don't see that.
We don't see the specifics of it, but we see it in the reaction, Yeah. Yeah, totally true. And I, I think one thing as well is it's interesting that she's saying I have to resign myself to this. Obviously like we've just said she didn't mean what she was saying with the the depth of what it implied. But when you're like this is like a little, it's not a pet peeve, but it's just like a concerning pattern.
I see if you're seeing something you're not happy with, you need to communicate about it like you need. It's not, it's not a matter of like, oh, I guess this is just how it's going to be like you're not at the mercy of things just falling into place. And we've talked about that that as well in our episodes where we were talking about the unspoken
contracts. We do, we do build patterns and rhythms and, and we fall into ruts in relationships because you don't want to constantly be like having to monitor everything you're doing when you're living with someone 24/7. That's not how we live. But when you find yourself not feeling satisfied with something, you are free and should communicate how you're feeling about that.
And I think potentially this is, this is that coming out in a not in a clumsy way or trying to communicate about this. And it's just, it's instead of her saying, hey, I'm really struggling with this, can you help me? She's she's made like a comment about what her life is with him. So it's not come out in a constructive way.
But you're not stuck there. Like the only way that people that are strong relationships down the track that you can see and observe, the only way they became strong was by having these conversations along the way. None of them just fell into this amazing relationship that was so smooth and easy. Like none of them. In fact, the only people that fell into a pattern in a relationship and never had to change it were the ones are the ones that are not strong. So if you're finding this for
one, just like communicate about it, you're not stuck. 2 This is actually a really good opportunity, even though it's you both like, you know, there's a heaviness, she said, and then she said they talked about it. The heaviness might be there because you're still working on those triggers and they are painful. It's like a wound, right? Like it's, it's like a sore that sits there and it's not healed yet. So of course it's painful. Even when you've kind of like worked through it, it's gonna
still have residual pain. It might take a few days to kind of feel the lightness again. But this is a perfect opportunity to be like, this is where it came from for me. I, I was really not happy with the pattern that I saw with my parents. And I've always wanted a different dynamic for my relationship. So when I see these things, it makes me nervous. And that's where that comes from.
And then opportunity for opportunity for him to explain the same side of whatever it is that's going on for him that
again, we don't know. This is why that was such a cut for me because I, I've been trying really hard to be different to my dad or I've been trying really hard to, to help you and, and I've done a lot of work and I feel like you just kind of slapped me in the face with none of it means anything, whatever that is. It's actually painful but beautiful opportunity to talk about.
South some ways they could repair on from this scenario here is she might need some space to dig deeper and understanding and identifying the fear that she might be going through in that scenario. So again, hypothetically, because we don't know them and you know, she might be scared of becoming like her mum, whatever that means, like whatever that looks like, we don't know for him, it might mean he needs to separate intent from impacts. But she wasn't attacking him
directly. She was overwhelmed, you know, and that was a a product of her overwhelmness. So, you know, we talk a lot about having an attitude of curiosity, being curious into that space of like, all right, well, obviously she's overwhelmed or this is out of character. Why is that? So rather than just going straight to a fence, having an attitude of curiosity, there might be a fence there, but it's like not letting that rule you like digging deeper.
And that's where we're being safe for each other as well. And the other part is they could use a quick reset script that we've spoken about too that came out wrong. Can I try again? It's just a simple phrase. And these are things that you're going to implement over time. You need to remember that. That's the habits I was talking about earlier. Habits take time, you know, and being aware of these scripts take time.
For that to be natural takes time, but you just didn't be intentional with those habits and and it will be a great impact. Another thing too is it's like, it doesn't need to stop here, right? Like, so just keep exploring that. The commitment to exploring it is so much greater. She was asking the question like there's a little bit of attention or whatever word she used before. It's still there. It's like, great, don't now ignore it. Address it. Like go on a date, go away, make it nice.
Like if the environment's stressed, the conversation would be stressed. If the environment's nice, you're a lot more open to just working through something in a more positive way. So just keep keep exploring that. Keep digging into it. Like actually like this is now something I've identified. I don't want to stay there. If we've got tension, I don't
want to stay there. Like what can we do better next time and how can we actually help work this that there isn't this fear that you have now that I actually think this or you know, we have better script to work navigate through those circumstances together. Yeah, it's so funny because when I hear stories like this, like I know that someone could say something hurtful and then like, I did not mean it that way.
I meant this. I think my, if I'm honest, my deep down inside, I'd be like, yeah, but you still said it. So you did mean it that. Yeah. And that's what I really struggle with. We've had that a lot, yeah, even through jokes and stuff like that. And I've had to be like, I've had to keep on reassuring you. Like, no, I genuinely, I was a stupid comment. Like it. I shouldn't have said it. There was no meaning behind it.
Yeah. I think it might be a personality thing because I spent a lot of time being very trying to be not always like I definitely have made mistakes in how I've said things. I try to be very clear in what I'm saying. Yeah. And so when someone else says something in my head, I'm like, well, they've gone about it the same. Like they know what they're saying, but you like you think out like you think out your thoughts. I. Process out loud.
It's not like you've haven't like just drawn on it. Well, that's the thing though, and that's a part of again, the scripture we've come up with is. I have to say that though, if that's what I'm doing if. I'm processing out loud like. I have to say that I actually said that in a team meeting yesterday with work. I'm like, I'm literally just repeating everything you guys have said.
I just need to process this out loud to understand what we're talking about and the strategy that we're putting in place. And then they're all like, oh, cool, yeah, 'cause before that they'll be like, dude, I just said that. I'm like I know I'm just, I'm just working. I'm not taking your ideas. I'm not. If we did this, yeah, yeah. I take that people's jokes and do that, but not that. Yeah, all the time it makes on. Purpose though, yeah, it doesn't.
It makes it very funny. But again, this is the intentionality part that we're talking about. We're identifying the needs that we have in that scenario so we can do it better next time 'cause it's not gonna stop like you're not gonna just like all of a sudden stop reacting when you're overwhelmed. You're going to do that. It's gonna take that, you know the the the continual journey of of working together on doing a. Better next time. Yeah, exactly. Sorry.
Our dog is so fluffy. There's fluff everywhere in our house. I think as well. If you're someone like me, that's really that you really struggled. So yeah, I can logically understand what you're saying and I can understand you didn't intend it. But in my heart, I still, I'm like, I still think you meant it. And you just don't know how to, like, connect the two because that's what I wrestle with a lot. I think one way is, you know, your relationship and you you
pick up the patterns, right? So like you have to be able to have grace with somebody. If something happens like this and you have grace and like, I don't understand how you didn't mean it, but I'm just going to take your word for it and allow yourself to release that while also monitoring your patterns. Like, and if, if that same script keeps coming out or those same stories keep coming out, then maybe then you're more valid in being like, but you keep saying this in different
ways. That can be like you're, you're like, oh, no, there's something else going on. If it's something they say and then they never repeat that kind of a thing, it's pretty indicative that that's not actually related to how they're feeling about it. It's just, it is just a mistake and something they said incorrectly or they didn't mean to imply what they implied. And so just having kind of a like allowing yourself to release it until you have further evidence.
Not that you're always waiting for that evidence, but just unless something else comes up, you're allowing yourself to release it. Because that's what I struggle with is holding this story and then and then everything builds from that story instead of taking your word for it and allowing you to be trusted in that space. Anyway, we're going to move on to two stories that are very similar. So I might try and we might not like spend too much time on them as individuals, but this is such
a like this poor. Anyway, I'm just going to I read. This title and straight away like. Yeah, we've talked about, there's been a few of these stories on the podcast previously and every time it's just like, but some of them are more intentional than others. You don't know what we're talking about so. Let's talk about it. I think I messed up by accidentally calling my
girlfriend fat. I've been dating my girlfriend, let's call her Mary for about a month now and while texting my mom she asked what Mary looks like. I asked Mary if she had a picture without a philtre on hand and since she didn't we were just going to take one. I snapped a picture and was just going to send it since it's I thought it looked fine then didn't want to have to take 10 more. This is where I made my mistake.
Mary asked to see the picture and after viewing it she said I look fat in this one and being an idiot hoping not to have to take another picture, I said taking another one, fix that. No. Taking another won't fix that. In hindsight I should have said something along the lines of no you don't, but I'm just in a rush to just send my mom a picture and once again I'm an idiot.
The look of shock on Mary's face as the words left my mouth told me I'd said something wrong and immediately try to formulate an apology. But my simple mind can't seem to figure out what to apologise for. So I said, what did I just say? Just to clarify, I'm I'm laughing 'cause it's so bad. No, no, I would not do that. It's so bad. It's just such a big no no. It's such a big no no. That obviously was just like so accidental. Anyway, try to figure out what
to apologise for. So I asked her what did I just say? And Mary informs me that I just called her fat. This is where my second mistake comes into play. Seeing as I misread the severity of what I had just implied and thinking she's not being serious, I replied with well, yeah. That's. This has been followed up with many apologies, an explanation of how stupid I am, and over half an hour of silent treatment. I'm currently sitting in my car with no idea how to fix this.
Our time machine, bro. Time Machine. So he was rushing and he was in logic mode. He was totally not in implication mode. I think one of the the reasons why, well, there's many reasons why I wouldn't say this, but I think one of the main reasons it stands out to me why I'm like, we talk about it so much with our kids. Not saying that. Not saying fact like, you know, not describing thing people or animals or whatever is fat. It's like fat is a thing.
Like it's actually like in actual enough. It's a name for a thing. What is that substance? It's a it's. A thing. It's a thing. And so we've, we're so intentional with teaching our kids that because we don't want them, because they have before, like they've seen someone, they're like, oh, they're so big, in other words. And we're like, you just don't comment on that. You don't comment on people's appearances like that, you know? And so, yeah, I think that's just when this stands out.
I'm like, dude, I could see our kids saying this. And so just shocks me when I see an adult and say this too well. Like he didn't say the word though. No, he just didn't. No, no, no, he just. He just reinforced her seeing that. I think he was rushing. They're new in their relationship. They've only been dating for about a month. He was rushing. He probably doesn't understand her insecurities and what it's behind that. And I don't know how many
girlfriends he's had. I don't think it says how old they are either. He's seeing his car, so he's old enough to drive. Yeah. And I can just picture like, you know, when it's not a healthy way of doing it, but she's kind of put a bid out there in terms of like, I look fat and she's put that bid out there. And then he's not constructively navigated that.
So she's kind of, you know, looking for reassurance in some ways by saying it. It's because if she, if she wasn't, I think she would say, oh, can we just take another one? I don't like that or like something. So I think she, I think there is a little bit of like trying to see how he feels about it or trying to be reassured that she's not or I don't know, whatever is going on for her there, there's obviously an insecurity there, there and she's put that out there and he
has had absolutely no idea. Yeah, and that's like early on in a in a relationship too. Like that's that's probably gonna be more regular. Well, no, regular. The the the, the, the big putting out there, right. Like it's gonna be she's testing, she's exploring. She's like only a month, like far out. Like, yeah, you know, there's so much. I mean, I I know, I think I'm just in shock still.
The part, yeah, second hand's embarrassment, but the part I'm like, oh dude, like you gotta be smarter than that, is the. Well, yeah. Yeah, the well, yeah, I don't understand. The the first part I'm like, OK, that's cringe. But I get yeah, he's like just logic mode and not relationship mode or thinking mode, whatever. But the world, yeah, is is. I think he, I think if I understand correctly, he he took it as her joking. Like, you've just called me fat. And he's like, well, yeah, like,
as a complete joke. Yeah, I know. And but that's again, I think because we're so intentional with our kids, I'm like, you don't even make that joke. Like you just stay so far away from. That people with insecurities, well, not even just you don't have to have a deep insecurity for that to be offensive, but people with securities will take that and be like, there's a truth to what you're saying. Like I said, that's what I
struggle with. Like there's a bit of truth behind what you're saying right now. Yeah, but we have our own insecurities, right? Like this wouldn't, I wouldn't find this insecure. Like I don't have this sort of insecurity, right? Like I'm not the thinnest person, but I'm I'm not insecure about my weight, right? And like it doesn't affect me as much as it obviously effects her. But there's other areas for you where it's like, no, that's a no
go zone. Like you don't joke about that sort of stuff with me because that is a trigger. Like, that's that. I do have those insecurities these in other areas and you know that. And you know that because of, you know, nearly eleven years of marriage. But this one in general, I feel like you just don't do with women. Yeah. Like you just do not make you. Should just not do it with anybody but yes but.
Like I feel like there's gonna be way more triggers with women in this area than than guys, but there are guys that would be triggering this too. Like, yeah, yeah. Because in my head I'm like, if, if this was me, if I was really, really not, if you had no inclination that I was overweight, then you would say no, you don't like the fact that you didn't say no, you don't like, that's stupid. Immediately would be like, see, yeah.
So it just is messy. Yeah, it's such a tricky 1 to navigate through like because even, you know, let's let's move away from just regular, you know, body image when you were pregnant was even another another level of sensitivity, right, Because you were definitely obviously bigger. Sorry, I didn't mean to say definitely you were pregnant. You were obviously bigger, right.
But there's this whole, there's this like line when you were pregnant for the first time that stood out to me from liar liar when he explains about when his ex wife would say like, you know, when mommy asked me if I look, if she looked fat and said, yeah, you look like a cow. Do you know that in the light? I don't even. I've only ever seen it like once. Once. Yeah, I'll probably have seen it. My parents used to watch it but I I haven't seen it as an adult.
Anyway, I don't remember the line specifically like the word for word, but I remember when you were pregnant for the first. I'm like, yeah, I can't just say. You look like a cow. You. Look like a cow or like, yeah, you do look fat, but it's like it's yeah, 'cause it's, it was. Saying I looked like a. Cow, sorry, this, No, it's, but my point is, is like even in the those moments, you know, pregnancy is such a natural, you're going to get bigger. You've got a whole other human
name. You still navigate that gently, and you still never get that because you would have comments where like, moments where you felt insecure because of your baby bump. And it was like, yeah, well, I'm not going to say like, yeah. Even when there's like a reason like a totally. Thank you. This is so hard to talk about. It is and this is the clumsy conversation. It is like, I know that I can have this conversation with Amy and she completely understands
what I mean. But like now, navigating through, knowing that other people listening, it's so much harder. I will make it a real about you saying how I couldn't just say you looked like a cow. Yeah, true. I understand what you're saying. Even when there's like a completely separate to your identity reason that you would be looking this way, you still navigated it gently. Yeah, man, that's just like that just causes a sweat. That conversation in general. Don't talk about your body image.
Just don't do. It it's gonna get worse. Yeah. Second one, I-25 male may have accidentally called my girlfriend 24 female fat. The title says I may have implied it. My girlfriend and I were having a lovely conversation over text about absolutely nothing in particular and eventually stumbled into the topic of the gym. I brought up that I was feeling a little skinny, to which she replied I can't relate. My stupid brain then decided to
say skinny ain't all that. I like you, what do I do now? I legitimately didn't mean it like that as I believe she's absolutely perfect the way she is. I think sometimes girls overestimate how skinny they need to be to be attractive and I wouldn't want my partner to have to have that standard in her mind. That's why I said it, but I just completely came out wrong. I really do think she's so amazingly attractive right now. If she really did want to focus on the gym, I'd support her
there too. How have I messed up this bad with good intentions? And then he's got an edit says thanks for all the advice. Seems I've found the good side of Reddit here, which is not common, not. Common at all A. Lot of the advice was echoing the same sentiment of not being a big deal. Don't worry if it is, just explain yourself. So I'll be acting on that. Was especially nice to hear stories of how people's husbands did something similar in the early stages. Thanks again, ladies and
gentlemen. So this one's less like this one. You can really see what was sitting behind that I. Just like I, I don't even know what to say now because it's, I just get it. It's so hard to navigate through a lot of these, especially this area. It's so hard to navigate through from man Yeah. To know how to say in the right way that it's not offensive because again, there's so many insecurities around that. And we keep talking about like even in the first story, three years have so much.
It just puts a whole other philtre of what you've said in in the words that you've used. It's like a minefield. Aware of it, yeah. You're literally walking through a minefield. So I was thinking with this one, I totally agree with him. Like we back in when we were teenagers, like early teenagers, the really skinny model look was in like really, really skinny. And it was definitely before the Kardashians type of vibe. And in my head as a teenage girl, you had to be skinny to be attractive.
And so that's what I strive for. And now I feel differently about it. Like that's not what I'm driving like striving for. It's just, I just want to feel more healthy. Like playing that out. He, he is 100% right. And he, what he's trying to express is it's actually, it doesn't like you don't have to be a certain amount of skinny to be attractive.
Like you're attractive as you are now, but even saying that is a minefield because if she's insecure about it, which we don't actually know because did she, did he say how she reacted? No, so we don't, we don't know how she's felt. I think he's freaking out. I'm not sure that we've seen like the other side of the conversation yet. If she's insecure about her weight, even hearing him say skinny is really not that important for attractiveness. And like, I, I like you the way that you are.
Then she might still, even though his, like, intentions are there and you can hear what he's saying, she might still be like, so you're implying I'm not skinny. And that can still be so closely tied into insecurity that it would still be a trigger. So it's, it is such a complicated topic. I think the safe route is always to be like, you are perfect the way you are, like just to keep it off. Yeah. Any kind of judgement or any kind of comment about it.
Yeah, So how to repair that though, like again, time time machine. No, that's not true. Like because I've, you know, we've had different conversations over our marriage about health, right? And I've even now like we're talking about nutrition or exercise and the benefits and all that sort of stuff, because we've been on different journeys with that. And like even bringing that up, you've got to be so gentle and
careful. And again, it's not about just communicating your point that you've really got to take into mind, you know, how the other person will receive. And so something we, we've got to navigate through, but it's a commitment to navigating through it. And so with this as well, it's again, just just clarifying like it's like, no, I didn't mean that. Like if we take the second example, I just don't want you to feel like you need to change. You know what I mean?
Like, so that's something that's really important, really emphasising what did you actually mean rather than trying to come out with all these other excuses. Just being clear. I didn't mean you like to call admit to come across this way. I just want you to know that I don't think you need to change, right?
Like that's really, really important because I think that's what a lot of people are wanting when they do put that out there, no matter what the insecurity is, it's that comfort, It's that safe. It's that you love me for me, not over these things, right? Like it's. So it's just that test. No, a test is the wrong word. It's that. It's a bid, it's a bid to see where your partner's at and how they feel about you. And yeah, you're putting yourself out there to then be
received in some way. And I think as well, like I really love this whole body positive language or body neutrality is kind of something that I'm trying to bring into the family or like we, we've been doing with the kids and that sort of thing. Like your body is one part of you and it is an important part of you.
But in the world or from like media that has been inflated to the most important part of you, which is just so not accurate because how you look is like 1 dimension of who you are. And you could be a horrible person and look incredible objectively or the same person that someone finds super attractive, someone else might not. So it's also like, is it subjective or objective? Never get that right. It's all based on people's own
personal experience. And so there's a beauty in being neutral about like finding people's value outside of their body because there'll be enough pressure about their body. They don't need to like that work. That will be be enough from external stuff. You don't even need to try and like navigate that within your family necessarily because they'll get that from elsewhere.
But if you can really enforce this like the value of somebody outside of their looks, then that's I feel like that's where the gold is because that helps with the more balance in terms of that sort of stuff. So even for them, him expressing this is what I meant and also expressing like he's trying to bring in these rejects like the toxic body image stuff, terminology or thoughts or whatever. So he could even be like, I don't like that area of life,
like I don't like that pressure. So that's why I'm talking like this. And this is how we should like, this is how I'd love for us to be talking in our relationship and having. It's actually a cool opportunity to have that, like establish what you guys want in your dynamic as how you'll navigate those things. Because they're they're dating at the moment. Eventually they might have a family and then it's going to be important how they what stance they take on that too.
Yeah, I think this guy's just accidentally stumbled into something that and maybe she's not that stressed about it. We'll see or we won't see, but he'll see. But definitely another one of those like, oh. So we're gonna get to the last story soon, but it's gonna take a moment and say, if you are not following us across YouTube, Instagram, Tiktok's book, go on there, follow us on there. Because this podcast is only one element of what we're doing here
on honeymoon to chat. We, we've got a lot of different resources that come out. We've got a lot of different tips and tricks and stuff. So don't miss out on that. We've also got some exciting stuff coming, a new venture coming your way. So please go over there. We just want you to miss out. Again, this podcast is one element. We want to be bringing resources and material to you and your relationships and your you as an individual to better strengthen your communication games.
So head on over. We're at Honey, we need to chat on all of those platforms. Click to follow and we'll see you there. Alrighty last one, me 23 female and my husband 23 male are misunderstanding each other and I don't know how else to explain it to him. Hi, obligatory disclaimer that this is my first ever post so I'm sorry for any bad formatting which you won't see and I or
stumble through. My husband and I got into a disagreement earlier this afternoon and escalated to the point of him calling me toxic, so I'd like some advice on how to better express to him how I'm feeling. Early this afternoon we bought home a heavy item that we had just purchased and we were with my parents. My dad was helping my husband Jay unload it when he opened my door and told me to give him the keys.
I asked him why he needed them and he took them from my hand, looked at me and then closed the car door again without saying anything. This made me irritated but I let it go when I got out of the car. Then later after we got everything unloaded and my parents had left, he walked into the office where I was on my computer and said. I feel like you've been upset all day, are you OK? Is there something we need to talk about? This irritated me because I'd actually had a pretty good day
so far. I got to hang out with my parents and we just purchased something that we were both excited about. I honestly can't remember what I said but he did walk away after that so I just continued playing my game. After a while I got up and went out to the garage to talk to him. His talk was a pretty standard disagreement for us but after about 5 minutes I realised we were just going in circles so I
went back inside. After around 30 minutes he comes inside and sits down in front of my desk and said it's toxic that you're getting upset with me for just trying to check on you. I kept trying to tell him that wasn't what was upsetting me and that I just felt like he was telling me how I was feeling. That the part I was mad about was that he said you've been upset all day when I very clearly hadn't been.
Later when I asked what instances I was upset he only listed 3, two of which we'd already talked about, then got upset and said I'm not going to memorise everything you do that irritates me. Am I wrong to be upset by this? It's a total vibe killer when someone says that to you. It's like telling someone who's acting normal that they're angry about something. Anyway, it's like he thinks I'm somehow mad at him for asking me if I'm OK and that's just not
the case. He kept saying things like well what should I say to check up on you then? Or it's just toxic for you to be upset at me for trying to check on you. I really don't know what to do here. He just left to go to the gym and we'll probably be back in two hours. How do I de escalate the situation without invalidating either of our feelings? Thanks in advance. Yes, straight away it's the assumption, right? If this is an example of a very layered conversation where?
Yeah. It's like, where do you start with it? Yeah. Because it's now not a conversation about what was happening. It's a conversation about how it was said about what was happening. And then it's a conversation about how it was said, about what was said about what was happening. So you're actually ending up arguing about something that's got nothing to do with the conversation. Like the issue at hand. And this is common, like this
happens a lot. We find ourselves when we're having these clumsy conversations, having disagreements or hurt or whatever because of how it came out, not about what was trying to be communicated. And so you missed the whole point and you end up looping like she said, because you're both trying to like explain or you're both trying to. Also we're not validate, but you're trying to. You validate your point of.
View. Validate your point of view or validate your frustrations about how it was said. Yeah. And, and like we, we've had those moments a lot, right? We've had those moments so many times where we talk more about. So an issue comes up and then we're like, yeah, but you do that and you do this. And it's like, yeah, but you're saying this now and we're. Just. Yeah. And so we, we, we honestly just go, all right, we have gone way
off topic, Let's stop. When we come back, it's usually about, I think I started going off on a tangent because of this. Like I was feeling this and then I got my guard up and that's where I think it needs to go. So it's not it's, it's like you're going to have those moments. We we have those moments. It's not about you don't have those moments. And as a way to not have those moments, you have them. But then it's like, well, how do you come back and repair that
afterwards? And that's what's really important. So first, well, where he's come here, it does. It comes across like he's assuming this is what she's feeling. And another thing I was thinking of when you're speaking is when you always ask me if I'm OK. And we've talked about this before, but you're like, you're like, are you, are you all right? I'm like, yeah. And you're like, Are you sure you're all right?
I'm like, yes. And then now I'm frustrated because you keep on asking me where, you know, now we've started getting to a bit more of a habit because I I ask you too. I'm like, are you OK? And then I go through my
different things. It's like, all right, there's something going on. It could be that you, it could be that you're upset about something, or it could be that you're feeling low, or it could be that you're distracted, or it could, there's so many could be. And so rather than assuming what it is, it's that attitude of curiosity and saying like, are you OK? You might say yes and I'll go, what are you feeling? And then you might be like, I don't know, or what are you thinking?
Oh, it's this or whatever, you know. So it's then I go through these different questions of asking to explore that rather than just jump to this is what the issue is because 90% of the time it's not that. Yeah, what you would assume it is. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Assume assume. Yeah, we've been bullied on YouTube for this assume. It was that's so common because I think a lot of the time when you feel something's off, you're
not incorrect. So a lot of the times when I'm asking you over and over and over, are you OK, There is actually something that you're stressed about or processing or you're like whatever, but you're not, it's not like, yeah, I'm frustrated about. It's not like a I'm ready to have this conversation. It's kind of like when you're trying to pop a zip and it's not ready. It's not that's. A very great analogy. Still tell that it's irritated and so and that's sort of it by.
But as the person that's like, especially because I have grown up hyper vigilant to like how people are feeling can pick up on things. Sometimes they exist, sometimes they don't. And it does really kind of sit there in my head and I build a story about it. And so that's why I'll be like, are you OK? Yeah. And then there's a whole story about what's happening or not happening. But it is I like what you do, which is what you've just said. Like what are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Are you processing anything? Sometimes I don't even know that I'm processing though, like it's sort of at the back of my mind and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on. So if you keep on asking me, I don't. I've got nothing to give you. Yeah, but I don't know what I could communicate in that time. Sometimes I'm just like, look, I'm just waking up. I haven't had a coffee. Like I'm, I'm just tired or like sometimes it's just genuine.
I'm not bubbly, right? Like and that's, and that's solid and valid. A lot of times I come back and like, actually it's this. It's this. And now I've I've had that time. 99% of the time it's got nothing to do with me, it's usually work or like something. But I think one thing I have really, really tried to implement recently is what I've said a couple times on here, which is taking your word for it and release my ownership of it. Because if someone's not OK, you can't make them OK.
And if you're someone like me who has a history of trying to make them OK or trying to carry whatever, whatever that is for you, it can be a really like someone's not OK. You can tell something's off, they've said they're fine. And then you're like, I don't know what to do. And it just really can throw you. And so I've tried to practise recently just being like, if you've said you're OK, I need to trust it, You're OK. Like I've put it out there, I need to trust it.
And release inside the need to get to the bottom of it or the need to fix it for you not to. Then never bring it up again. Like you don't just float around with your partner noticing something's off and you never bring it up because they've said they're OK one time. But just, you know, releasing some of that, like obsessiveness of it or something.
Because I can't, there's nothing I can do that's going to make you OK if you're not willing to tell me what's going on or you're not able to or whatever is happening to. So instead of it becoming an obsessive thing, I'm trying hard to just be like, he said that he's OK so I'm just going to let him either be OK or figure out that he's not and come and talk to me when he's ready. Yeah, yeah. I think this is it's interesting because so she said she got
irritated. So the first instance is he I don't even understand really what this a lot of this story I don't fully understand, but he opened the car door and asked for the keys and she gave it to him and said what do you need them for? And he didn't say anything and close the door on her again. And so I think and she was irritated then, but she got over it.
She said. So in my thinking, he's probably noticed a vibe there or he's just noticed that that interaction was off, or maybe he was already in a mood because he didn't say anything. So maybe there's a few things that were happening for him, a story playing out for him. So when he comes and says, I feel like you've been off or I feel like you've been mad at me all day, he's got this. He's probably got a context for that. He's probably got something he's built it from.
And so then, but instead she's reacting like, I don't want to be told how I'm feeling, like I don't want to be. I don't want you to just assume what I'm feeling and then put it on me. And that's irritated her. And like we talked about in the first story, I feel like there's more triggers happening here. I wonder patterns or something. Yeah, I was gonna say because we only get like a like a small snippet of these conversations. And I wonder if this is an
ongoing thing, right? Like, and now it's sort of blown up and she's like, all right, go, go, go Reddit and talk about this one scenario. I'm like, I don't actually think it's a one scenario. No, not at all. I definitely can see this being a pattern. Maybe this is how they navigate conflict and maybe she actually was more frustrated. So some people navigate conflict by getting really frustrated and, and they shoo on things and they just like stick there and it gets stuck in their head.
Some people I think almost go the opposite and they try to push it away and push it away. And so if she's feeling a weird vibe and then she's like, but I got over it because I got to spend time with my parents and then I was playing my game. Then maybe she's also not super aware of what like she might be pushing away some of the the off vibe that's going on there as well. So both of them are missing each
other basically as a point. And then she's gone out and had this conversation with him again. She also kept playing her game after he came and talked to her too. So I feel like there's a couple things in there. I can see how these situations could be twisted in each other's minds.
These situations are open to miscommunication through tone or miscommunication through losing track of what you're even talking about and then ending up in this complicated knot where you're like, I don't even know how we got here. And like you said, that's where we've practised just being like, all right, I think I don't know how we got here.
I think I was just, I'm tired and this is what happened or I noticed you were off and I, I, to me, it just felt like you were getting mad at me for no reason. You wouldn't tell me what it was like coming back to the core of what's happening for you. And it kind of, it doesn't make everything else OK, but it does. I'm not some of those complicated parts that sometimes follow.
Oh, the joys of communicata. So a couple of repair points, like we just said, I'm not some of those things get back to the core of it. Instead of him coming in, if she really doesn't like being told what she's feeling, he could learn that she doesn't. That's something that's not helpful for her. And so instead of saying you've been mad at me all day, ask the question. Ask the question and say I've I'm picking up something not right. Are you OK? Yeah. Is there something off?
And then again, learning to trust. If she says no, everything is fine. Trust that. And then she might also then be able to have to, to recognise when he's trying to pick up if something's off. She could say, I know you're trying to check in, but that way you've said it has thrown me. So I know you're trying to check in with me.
And I love that. It's just that something about how you went about it has really triggered me recognising her own reaction there and then creating sort of that like safe check in. That does work for them, whatever that might be. But for us, it's like, what are you thinking about? What are you feeling? Those kinds of things. Another example is how, how's your inside world? Like how's your inner world going?
What's happening for you? Whatever works for them that doesn't trigger them or make them frustrated. Unpicking some of that and just getting back to the core. They're also young, young, married. So they're they're probably still just learning what even for themselves. I. Was gonna say that a big part of, of this is, is understanding ourselves too, is if the more we understand ourselves, the more we can communicate our needs. Yeah.
And that's a big part of it. That's a big part of going, you know, growing in a relationship is, you know what you need, but you know what the other person needs and you grow together. Yeah. It's a commitment to that growth. All right, well, this is some Reddit stories on clumsy conversations. Thanks for joining us, guys. Some ways to repair. Everybody has them in different ways. Everybody has these clumsy conversations, so it's nice to
see some real life examples. Thank you again for being here. We've really appreciated your support. Really excited to welcome the new people. Yeah, so. Many. Love. It welcome. Love it and continue to join us. We would love that. And make sure you're following us on the platforms because we've got some exciting stuff. Yeah, All right. Thanks guys. Good chat.