Honey, we need to chat. Hey, welcome back to another episode of Honey, We Need to Chat. This is the podcast to go to about communication in a relationship. So we're all about the communicator. We believe that when communication dies in a relationship, bad things happen in a relationship. So we discussed a lot of different topics, a lot of different tools and tips to help us with that conversation, either navigating through specific issues in the relationship or just identifying
things for yourself. And the way that we receive information, the way that we communicate to strengthen that and that will strengthen the relationship. And just by being here today, we know something actually about you, which is really exciting for us.
So what this tells us about you is that you're someone that's not just interested in just going through your relationship, not just surviving it. You've actually clicked on this episode on this podcast because you actually want to know more. You want to grow, you want to develop, you want to just be intentional with your relationship. And that's really exciting to ask because that's that's what
we're here for. You know, we want to be Amy and I are growing in our relationship and the fact that you're growing with us is really, really exciting. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you do get something from this episode, if you do find value in this and you would love to help us out, the way that you can do that is the classic like share, subscribe.
This helps us out a lot, but also we want to be reaching more people like you, you know, those that are intentional, those that are like looking for something to help build up their relationship and their own personal skills and communication. So share it on to someone else. Like let's get this going on further than just you and I. So thank you so much for being here. So what are we doing today? This is a different one. Today's a different one and a fun one.
So we've been sharing about how Amy's been coaching some women and we get the question like what is a coach? And that's really hard to explain just by telling you explaining it, explaining it. But the way that we've been trying. So we're gonna show you. And now this is AI don't really know what Amy's gonna be doing. He she's gonna be coaching me today. I don't know the topic. I don't know what we're gonna be
discussing. And we want to just give you that example of well, this is what Amy does. So then if you are interested, go along to our our website or your website which is. Yeah, it's linked on both www.nextchaptercoachingyep.com.auipausedtherebecause as Blair gets on my back about saying WWW. Yes, I was going to say it. I bit my. Tonguenextchaptercoaching.com dot AU, but it's also linked on our website.
Honey, we need to chat.com. So there's information there and we'll put it in the show notes as well. Absolutely. But yeah, this is just an example of what you could expect in a coaching session because a lot of people don't know what coaching is and what makes it different. Yeah. So, yeah, for sure. And you've done this with me once and it, I don't know if you've noticed, but for me, I feel like so much is shifting that area, which was amazing,
just very practical. And I just was able to realise like I can, I can do this. Like, yeah, I've got all the things I. Need to put a lot of things in place from there. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, we did do a few last season. We did a few coaching sessions as well and we have some free resources on the website that go along with those sessions too. So if you enjoy this kind of this kind of a process, check those other episodes out, which we will link as well.
And those resources, because they're free, they're there, they're accessible to you right now. There's things that you can implement in your relationship and in your own personal life right now, so it's worth having a look at. And we want to be more than just a podcast. That's, that's our desire. Like eventually we want to be doing retreats and so forth. But in the meantime, you know, I mean, there's a lot of work and putting out resources and doing this coaching stuff to really be
more than just noise. We don't want to be noise. We want to have action behind what we're doing. We want to equip you as we equip ourselves. So get onto that. There's some really cool resources. Sign up to our website. And you can also get any, any new stuff that comes out. We'll just go straight to you. But before we dive in today's episode, we've been sharing a lot about what you're doing. And today you had a mini freak out of like, wow, this is soon.
A few a week and a half we'll be in the theatre getting ready for our show. Come From Away. Yeah, the next three weeks are going to be really intense for us. So really excited about this show. It's coming together so well in rehearsals. It's Come From Away. If you haven't heard of it, you can hear us go into to more depth in the other episodes we've shared, or you can check out the link that we'll put in this these show notes as well. But such a beautiful show about humanity.
It's really light hearted. It's really, really high skill, complex, fun and unique. So if you're local, we would love to have you there. Come watch as it come from away always. We got that joke. We'll put the link in the show description and in our BIOS as well. Yeah. And I've, I've actually 'cause you've done a couple of recordings of that on your phone and it's, it's. Rehearsals. Really. Cool. I love it. I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. Cool. Well, coach me, babe.
All right, well, we are. As we said, we're diving into something a little bit different today and this coaching session is all about trying to identify some of the things that sit behind our behaviours and our patterns, the things that drive us in our everyday lives. Because we all work out of these things. They all play out in our everyday life, but a lot of the time we don't have intentional time set aside to look into what it is that's driving us in these
areas. So identifying them can be really helpful, especially if there are patterns or behaviours that you're experiencing that you just can't shift or that keep repeating and you're trying to see life change. If you can dig into what's driving you behind them, then it helps you kind of get a bit more clarity and it helps you put some practical things in place to just shift them into a more resourceful way of behaving and living.
So yeah, this is a coaching tool that people will implement with their clients and that I've implemented with my clients when they feel a little bit stuck and they just aren't really sure why they can't see life change. You probably have experienced moments where you've been like, I'm going to put this in place and then you just kind of resort back to what you've been doing previously and those well intentioned big goals fall a little bit apart. So that's what we're doing
today. We're going to dive into what's driving you. Oh yeah, let's do. It and these are all, this is a framework that all kind of works on some of our core needs. So it's a helpful tool in terms of identifying these patterns. As with everything, it's just a tool. So you take what you find helpful and you apply what you find helpful. And we also hold it loosely as a tool that's just there to be used in a constructive way. So let's dive into your core needs. Everybody has core needs.
There's 6 core needs in this framework that have been identified, and they're broken into two categories. So the first one is like your everyday survival core needs that people will be filling in their lives through different actions as a core need on the regular. Then there's two other ones that are called the needs of the spirit, and they're a little bit more lofty. So they're kind of the needs that will come into place if you're for personal everyday kind of core needs are working
well. So you might have seen the hierarchy of needs triangle before in whatever you might have seen out of school when you were learning or just heard about it, you might not have. And it's, it's a similar framework, slightly different framework, but similar kind of concept, which is where the bottom is your survival. So you need things like food, water, shelter. And then once those are met, then you can start to think about relationship, connection, that kind of thing.
If you're someone who doesn't have food, clothes and shelter, you're probably not sitting there having relationship crisises or not not spending much time emotionally in that because you just don't have the resources for it. And then as you, as you go up that triangle with the needs being met, then you've got other needs that start to, to play into things. So it's a similar kind of thing. 6 core needs. This is a framework that looks at the ones that are are driving you every day.
The they're called the purse, the needs of the personality, so their everyday core needs. Then there's two others that are also core needs that are needs of the spirit and they come in. Once those personality needs are met, they are to run through them just quickly before we dive in certainty, which is like safety, comfort, predictability, control. Then there's variety as the second one. So that's things like surprise, excitement, change, spontaneity, adventure, those kinds of things.
Then there's a third one called significance. Significance is a feeling of importance, a feeling of being seen as a feeling of having self worth. And then the 4th one of the initial 4 needs of the personality is connection and love. And that's belonging, closeness and intimacy. So it's relationships, it's it's your connection and your love with the people around you. Then when those are met and they're functioning well, you also can introduce the needs of
the spirit, which is growth. So the growth is learning, evolving personal development. People that are, you know, trying to better their lives, trying to have personal development, they're inputting into themselves to become better at things and to kind of function from a more healthy space. So that's growth. And then the 6th 1 is contribution, which is giving
back, helping others. Impact is the bigger picture, kind of like charity based work or or volunteer based work, work for the betterment of the greater good. So those are the six that we're going to work on, but we're really going to look mostly at the needs of the personality, the 1st 4, certainty, variety, significance, connection and love. All right. So those first four tend to drive our everyday actions.
And The thing is that we are driven in these needs and we act out of these needs and we fill these needs either in a resourceful way that's helpful or we fill them in an unresourceful way. So we're always filling them. We're always meeting these needs. It just depends on how we're meeting them, if it's resourcefully or unresourcefully. And if it's resourcefully, that's positive, healthy, that's building us up and it's helping us move forward.
If it's unresourcefully, it's usually where you see those habits that you've been trying to shift that do not move you forward. They're not healthy, They're not good for you. They're not good for the greater good. They're not good for others. So where this whole process is trying to assess when you're meeting your core needs, are you meeting them in a way that's resourceful or in a way that's unresourceful? And how can we shift the unresourceful ones?
So I've listed them now and given you a very brief overview of what they might be. So certainty, variety, significance, connection, and then we're going to say growth and contribution as the other two as well. Hearing those, just those words in the brief description, do any of them stand out to you as what you think might be your top 2
drivers? Yeah. I mean, I see something in all of them, but in, yeah, I was reflecting as you're talking and I feel like certainty is probably #1 you said about the predictability, the controls. I have stuff. I don't like not being in control, not like not that I like to be over controlling, but I don't like to be out of control of a situation. And because I've noticed when I'm not like my attitude shifts and I get stressed, all those sorts of things.
And I, I'm in between variety and connection. I'm not too sure out of those two variety, I feel like because I what's tripping me up a little bit is you say that we always feel our needs and I, well, I don't know if I feel my variety. Well, I don't know. I feel like I don't meet that as much, but I know what it feels like when I do. So that's why I wasn't sure if it's variety or connection.
Maybe connection? So you've said that you think you can see certainty, variety or connection being your top 2. Just as a brief overview, is there a time you can think of where one or more of them were really driving your behaviours? Yeah, absolutely. How did that play out for you? Well, again, certainty I can think is probably the biggest one like if I like if I think of work or or even in like 'cause I
played volleyball last night. So for example like even go something not not work wise, like if I feel like I'm not in control of my game, if I would feel like I'm not playing well or something, I get really irritated. Same with work actually. I mean, every area I get really irritated when I'm not in control of the situation. Yeah. Like when we got Bonnie, our golden retriever, like that was so frustrating because it's so out of, she's so out of control when she's a puppy.
Like, I can't control that situation. I can't control her not peeing in the house. Like, so I get really frustrated. It comes out in frustration a lot. Interesting. Yeah. So there's a table with more information that I'm not going to go into each one because it's not going to be relevant and it would take too long. But looking at certainty, so it's got examples of how you might meet certainty resourcefully and examples of how you might be meeting it
unresourcefully. So when you are meeting certainty resourcefully, it comes out in things like planning, in good use of your diary, in feeling confident, having control of your resources, of your time and your money, feeling certain of your place in the world. So I can see that for you, when it's met unresourcefully, it comes out as needing to control everything and freaking out if you can't. Having strict rules in your life to create safety, needing to pre plan everything.
So you think that? Really. Absolutely. I see that even in some of our conversations about finances. And if we get takeaway right, like, you know, like in my mind is like, well, no, because finances and this and this. And it's like the spontaneous decision of it, it throws me so much because I was like, no, we got, we got all these things coming up like we got, you know,
yeah. Which we, it's, this is not what I would do in a coaching session because I'm not usually married to the person that I'm coaching, but usually not usually every now and then, but that plays out for us. And, and that's one of the things with these, these frameworks, every time you learn a new part of how somebody works, you're understanding why they act the way they do. So I see, and we've had these conversations recently.
I see that control element playing out and I see the results of it and I I feel the results of it until I recognise why. It just feels like a personal attack. But if I recognise what's sitting behind it for you, it makes so much more sense. Yeah, and This is why I love doing this because like I said, this isn't the first time you've taken me through one of your coaching sessions. And this is a completely different session, by the way. So Amy does a lot of different
ones. But what I love about this is it helps me understand myself like A and, and that helps me navigate those difficult conversations that you and I might have or me and my workmates or whatever might have, right? Or even with the kids. So when we have this greater understanding of our self, we're actually equipped to deal with more situations like the negative situations or positive situations with confidence to know that, well, I'm going to respond like this.
So I'm going to catch that, identify the need that I have in this situation and address it and and then I am to address it in a positive way. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And The funny thing is like, I think certainty is my thing. That plays out for me too. And I see that in different control things as well. So it's funny. I can have that and there's a need and I can still not recognise it in you, in your actions.
I'm going to read through the four person needs of the personality, which are the four core kind of survival ones, just because I think they're more, for one thing, you've you've noted three of them, so I might as well read all four. But also they're more applicable across the board.
So you listening can be like, Oh yeah, I can see how that would play out for me. Whereas the other two are, like I said, they're a bit more the lofty things that come into play after these coordinates, these foundational needs. So the other thing you said was you weren't sure you were tossing it between variety potentially or connection. I wrote down connection. OK, yeah. So I'll read connection first then.
So how you might meet Connection resourcefully is connecting in a healthy way with the people around you with appropriate give and take. That's a really important point for some people because you can be like, I connect great, but you give all the time and you don't take. This is so funny. I feel like this is everything I talk to you about with people. I get so sick of people because I'm like, I give so much and I get nothing back and I'm like, well, I'll cut you off like it's.
Well, yeah, interesting this way, until we get to the unresourceful. Oh no. Having a variety of healthy, loving relationships, finding connection through nature or faith or something else. So that's how you can meet connection resourcefully. If you're meeting connection unresourcefully, you might be connecting through drama, gossip, problems, and sad
stories. So things like I'm always so stressed and busy, poor me. Or needing constant contact with others, codependent relationships, sacrificing our needs to take care of others. Or fixating on relationships, which I don't see a lot of those playing out for you, no. I was trying to think through. I could see hints of them, but nothing strong. Yeah, but what's also interesting, and we'll get to this a bit more later, is they all lean on each other. So I'll read through the other
ones too. So variety is the other thing that you flagged might be one of your top ones. So meeting variety resourcefully would be things like enjoying variety, adventure and excitement, enjoying new challenges, being OK to go with the flow and loving things that are new. And then meeting them unresourcefully is creating chaos and drama when things get boring, being an adrenaline junkie, changing just for the sake of change and always seeking a bigger high, which
again, I don't necessarily. See that's The thing is I but I see more similar we'll see more things in that and in the negatives than connection. Yeah, OK, so let's read it's. Interesting, I can't nail down the second. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. Because we'll as we go into, you'll see how they play off each other. So the 4th 1 is significance and this is the one I think most people don't want to admit that they that probably plays a bigger part.
The thing is all of these play a part in all of us all the time. So it's it's not it's like the love languages. We all play out the love languages all the time, just to different degrees. So it's not a bad guy, but it just sounds like on on face value it's a little bit like but 100% this is me. And so significance met resourcefully, it's a strong sense of of self, healthy self esteem, taking satisfaction and pride in your work and the results in life, feeling good about who you are.
Met unresourcefully, It's constantly seeking attention, putting others down to lift yourself up, always needing others to validate and admire you, and creating ways to be at the centre of activities. So those are the ways that you may see these needs playing out. Sounds like certainty. You're very sure? You're very certain. Yeah, I'm very certain. Plays out for you and that some of the pieces of a few of these other ones. I've seen myself on all of the other ones, so yeah, it's.
Valid because you are in all of the other ones just like everybody else. So if any of these resonated, just take note of what one it like kind of relates to because it's helpful to kind of recognise as you go. So let's let's look back again and think about your work and relationships. You said you see this play out all across the board. What patterns do you see that really play out with these needs for you so to? Start with certainty. Yeah, which is any of them.
What patterns flagged from this stuff? Well, I think so, yeah. Again, like I can see all of them. So first one that came to my head with was variety. Like I'm, I've always got this sort of craving to go for a walk, like, you know, like down the wetlands and stuff like that. Like, you know, the adventure side of things is always there, but I feel like it's more of an unmet thing and that's on me.
That's not on anyone else. The certainty, yeah, the control stuff really stood out as you're sharing through that. I can see that in a lot of areas. I feel like the good part of it is I have a big work ethic. A, you know, I, when, when that works well, I, I get stuff done, you know, I really get stuff done and I love that feeling. I, I kind of operate on a high in that feeling.
But then when it doesn't work well is my lowest points, like either either in work or in family or relationships or whatever. When I when I'm out of control, I get really. Really low. And you've seen that too. Like when I have a day, I'm like, I just feel unproductive and I just can't get the things done that I want to get done. I take a huge dip when I snap at the kids. It's because I'm out of control, like of the situation. And I hate that.
And I mean, I'm really low on myself or with Bonnie or with, you know, my workmates or whatever. I like It's that's, that's the big one that I see there. Yeah. So there are a lot of the habits that I see. Yeah. Even with hobbies, like I'll get sick of a hobby if I feel like I'm out of control but I feel like I can't control it I I just won't enjoy it. Yeah. Well, one of the interesting things is that these drivers are see source to each other certain.
You can't have 100% certainty and have 100% variety because it doesn't work. Yeah. So it's interesting that those are the two that you're kind of playing off because they see sauce. If you have too much certainty, you're gonna get really. And I feel like that's where you really see sauce. Yeah, 'cause I, you know, you and I've been chatting before this as well about how I'm trying to find that balance of rest and work and like play and work.
And because I feel like that play stuff that needs to be the variety things. And that's where I feel like I'm struggling currently is that is an unmet need that I have. And so that's where I'm, that's why I was tossing up between variety and connections 'cause I'm like, well, I just, I feel like I actually am more variety, but I'm just not doing that well. And so I need to spend more time there. Yeah, interesting.
So when you're feeling like that, out of control feeling, what is it that you need to feel grounded in your control, like to feel back to calm? What I currently do and, and again, this is the exploration that we're doing at the moment is what do I need in that time? Like how am I going to navigate through that better? So that's what I'm exploring at
the moment. So I don't have that certainty of what this is, but you know, going for a walk, getting out of the house, changing my environment, which is the variety side of things. You know, like I so in the certainty when I'm stressed or whatever, like I have to mix that up. Yeah. So that's what I've been trying to do in that definitely talking about it. I'm a verbal processor, but a big thing is, is it's what getting control back.
So coming up with a plan and that's what a big thing of what I do is planning. So that here's a situation, here's the struggle. This is a issue at first, like the other night, I was losing sleep over a work situation. I couldn't sleep and, and the next day I'm like, cool, all right, well, here's the plan. I come up with a plan and then I'm like, sweet, I've got a plan. So even though it's out of my control, the plan is in place.
And if the plan works, I'm in control, you know, And so the fact that I can see the way forward helps a lot, but variety actually helps a lot. I It makes so much sense because if you're out of control in your certainty, resourcefully meeting your variety, so going for a walk, doing something healthy, maintainable, manageable, that kind of thing would make sense that that would bring back a sense of like balance or a sense of like groundedness as you're, then you're lifting your variety
in a healthy way. You're doing something. And I know that you've seen this play out because you've talked about this as well, where you've seen variety play out in an unhealthy way. So needing to fill it with other things that that aren't healthy and they aren't sustainable and they don't help bring it resourcefully back to balance, it just feels good temporarily to kind of counteract that.
Yeah, really interesting. And The funny thing too is it's a real tension because planning, planning is resourceful. So you're planning. That's resourceful. If your plan starts to move into needing to control everything, that's where it can become unresourceful. Yeah. So that's going to be the delicate balance for you and. That that's been playing out, you know, even with work, we are identified that I, the way that I'd set stuff up was there was a lot of control from me and a lot
of dependence from the team. And so I had to control a lot of things, which was, I was, you know, I enjoyed, but it was too much. It was becoming, it's not resourceful. And I was getting way too stretched. And that's when I started to spiral because then I felt like because I was dropping things and then I became out of control. Yeah, really interesting. The same with having good control of your resources of time and money and that kind of
thing. But the unresourceful way is having strict rules in your life to create safety and needing to pre plan everything. So it's just a constant like checking that your that is resourceful. So checking in what is resourceful and what's not a good way to kind of identify that is that resourceful, resourceful ways of meeting your things are sustainable ways that are good for you and the people around you and the greater good. So that's things like the environment, society and
community. So if you're setting up a plan for work, is it good for everybody? Is it good for the greater good with work? Is it good for you? That will be a good way to check. This is a resourceful plan I'm putting in place. If it's just good for you or it's just good for the greater good for work, but it's not actually good for you because it's going to burn you out. It's going to burn people out. Then that's not a resourceful like that's a, an unresourceful control kind of thing.
And same with your having good control over your finances and your resources and that kind of thing. If that's good for you, the greater good and the people around you, awesome if it's good for you and not the greater good. So you can see this playing out with people that are like really wealthy and super, super strict with their money. They don't give as much. Do you hear that kind of rhetoric all the time?
That's an unresourceful meeting of their control because it's not good for the people around them. It's not good for the greater good. They're probably burnt their families out in many ways because they've worked so hard. They're not generous with their time and money and working towards the greater good. A lot of the time, some of their their financial gain may have come from ways that isn't good for the greater good, that kind of thing. That's when you can tell it's
switched to the other side. So that's super fascinating that and that's going to be your delicate balance to walk. So when you're seeing yourself stressed and burnt out in these areas, let's talk about certainty and variety. How do you see it playing out? And you've said this already needed to control everything. How else have you seen it playing out in your behaviours in your day to day when you've been You're not in balance, you're not meeting them
resourcefully. Escape. Like I would escape like So what dopamine hit can I get, You know, that's going to distract me from the situation that. 'D be like the adrenaline junkie. Yeah, yeah, so. And in an unhealthy way though. Like, so yeah, I'll just go into a downward spiral I guess, and either get really depressed or frustrated or whatever. But yeah, I'll just try and escape it. Yeah, yeah. So breaking this down again, things like certainty can show up as planning and preparation.
Awesome. Or as control and rigidity. Variety can look like adventure or chaos and restlessness. Yes. I think it is. I think variety and what we're digging into. I think variety is my second one. Yeah, I have a connection. Significance might mean healthy pride, the healthy sense of self, or needing validation and one upping everybody around you. Connection could mean intimacy or it can move into codependence.
Growth might mean showing up as learning, or it could be consuming without acting, which is probably another thing that I fall into as well. Consuming and not following through contribution might look like generosity, or it could look like doing too much to feel needed. So that's that's as well. We're like, we haven't even dived into this needs of the spirit. But when you're contributing to the greater good, there's a
delicate balance there too. When you're growing, you're putting self development and growth in place, there's a delicate balance there as well. So can you think of how are your your top two ways? I guess you'd say that you do meet your needs resourcefully on a regular basis and you've just implemented a bunch of these recently. So that's awesome to see how it's been impacting you. Yeah. So how have you been meeting your certainty healthily? You've been putting things in
place at work. Yes, I've been putting things in place in work and and fitness has been the big thing. So going for those walks and that's the variety stuff, I think, as well as the fitness, like fitness has been helping me because fitness is healthy. It's a healthy way to approach things. But I think it's just been that unmet need that I shared with you about changing things up. So I started volleyball and we're not serious. It's, it's really about the fun sort of stuff.
We're not like an amazing team or anything. And we're not even in, in amazing division or anything. But it's more about the social, the fun, the mixing it up. Like changing my environment even like we had a, we, you and I had a, a work meeting. We went down, Yeah. And did it to a cafe to have that. So moving my environment rather than just staying, Yeah. Which is really important when you're working from home.
Especially a lot of what we do, even the things that we don't feel good about, these behaviours that we've said aren't resourceful, they're actually filling a need. They've been serving us in a way. So it's really easy to look at the things we've done unresourcefully and be like, I'm so frustrated by these patterns I fall into. Especially the Control 1 I feel like is what's standing up to me the most. It's easy to look at that and be like, why do I have to control
everything? Why am I that kind of person and be really low on it? But The thing is, it's served a purpose for you. It has actually played a role for you. And so it's kind of important when you're navigating these things not to just be like, I want to cut it off. I want to get rid of it and kind of like pushing it out. It's actually really important to almost thank it for what it has been serving for you and then consciously and intentionally replace it with
what is resourceful instead. So I think that's where a lot of people fall into this trap where they don't have much grace for themselves and they're just, they look at patterns that they hate and they'll just kind of force it away and it doesn't actually help in terms of getting long term growth and moving forward. So everything we do, whether it's work, relationships, habits, or even things we wish we could stop doing, our meeting in need on some level.
And that's why unhelpful behaviours can be hard to let go of because they're actually doing something for us. So the goal isn't to stop needing these things, it's to find better ways to meet those needs than the ways we've been resorting to, ways to actually support our well being, our relationships and our future that we're wanting to build and
move towards. So thinking of a behaviour pattern in your life that you don't love, what is something that you'd love to change and what might need to be the behaviour you're trying to meet? Wait, hang on, what need might that? Yeah, thinking of the behaviour pattern in your life that you don't love, what's something you
would want to change? I think more intentional with the variety because I feel like if I, I feel like if I can work on the variety and this is off very little time reflecting and processing this because being very, very helpful. I feel like if I can dig into the variety more, it's going to help my control, if that makes sense Because I feel like that is the positive of the variety helps the negative of my certainty. Does it make sense? So I think that's where I want to focus more on.
OK, So what is the behaviour that's been unresourceful in your variety that you think you'd like to change to a more resourceful way? Definitely restlessness is the top one and then that leads. Chaos is quite an extreme word. So I don't know, but it's, it's like, because my restlessness then leads to frustration, you know, when I'm out of control, it leads to frustration. Like it's it sort of feeds
itself when I'm restless. Even some of the, and I think this would be both certainty and variety playing out, but some of the, like you said, when you snap at the kids, it's because of feeling out of control and that kind of thing. I wonder if there's an element of that's the chaos. Like, it's not like you're like, I'm going to go into this room and cause chaos. No, that's what I meant. That's what I want. So the word chaos sounds extreme. So it's like chaos towards the
kids, like just sounds nuts. But it's just like, no, it's more frustration, but it's, that's the chaos part. Taking it out on them, not intentionally going in and being like I'm going to take it out on them, but it's just like I'm feeling restless, I'm feeling out of control and I'm just going to work. Because of even a value with the kids and with the family is the adventures that we have, right?
Like I've shared that with you. I love going on adventures as a family, but the times where I really struggle with that is that when I'm out of control on those adventures. And this is like, man, this is such an amazing thing. Why am I travelling? So much. You've been really excited about it. Yeah. Control. Yeah. Because it's kids and they're not easy to control. Yeah, that's really fascinating. I think even some of some of these words are off putting at
first, I think. So things like adrenaline junkie. I don't think you're an adrenaline junkie. I do think you chase dopamine and so do I, and so do most people. I don't think you always seek a bigger high. That's like quite an intense way of putting it. But I do think that we've seen times where we've had the patterns we've done are like, what's a high I can chase? Like food things. Yeah. We've talked about our cycle and COVID and alcohol, food buying things, alcohol, food buying things.
And it was just like, we'd get better at 1:00 and then we'd move to the next. So I think that's how these things are. A little more adaptable than the words chaos or drama. Also like creating drama when things get dull. I don't think you you're, you hate drama. Like you hate the drama that other people enjoy, like me, but you you do have conflict a lot. So when things feel out of control, even in the workspace, it can become a conflict quicker then someone else might might
escalate that to there. So I wonder if there's if that's your version of creating drama even though it's not, you know, creating a, a love triangle. No, exactly. And I think that that feeds into my my out of control though, like I usually, I usually spark the drama if you want to use those words when I'm out of control because it's something that frustrated point and that causes the drama. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Which causes the chaos and then drama and. Interesting. Interesting.
Married a monster. I'm just kidding. I'm exactly the same in different ways. Awesome. Yeah. So you've identified that you want to move your variety into a more resourceful place because that seems like more of a key to helping certainty also be resourceful. And your biggest thing that you're finding is unresourceful currently is restlessness. And that's that need to change or or fill that restlessness kind of feeling.
So in that case, what is a way that you want to intentionally implement a more resourceful variety into your routine in place of that? Yeah, I don't have that answer off the top of my head because that's where it's because that one's hard for me because I feel like I've got to schedule it. Yeah, you know, that's the control side. Yeah, exactly. So I've got to sit down and look, I've got to come up with that proper plan where this will
actually be sustainable. I don't want to do that thing where it's like, this will be nice, let's do that. And then it because if like if it doesn't work, I'm going to get frustrated that my plan didn't happen, you know, So I can't just give her off the cuff answer, but it needs to be intentional and I need to be in control because otherwise it won't feed the purpose. Yeah. So just going back a step then you said that restlessness is your unresourceful behaviour in variety.
What do you think that restlessness has been meeting for you? What need has it been filling? How has it been filling the need for you? Historically I. Mean it can lead me to being to moving to being productive and proactive. Like it could lead to that. Yeah, maybe it pushes you towards the unresourceful. Well, like more recently, like if I'm in a good space, I get restless. And I went and did the laundry the other day, like the other night, right? I was like, oh, that's some
energy. And I just was just restless. And I'm like, oh, I'm just. That's a resourceful way. That's a. Resourceful way of dealing with the the restlessness. Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's a resourceful behaviour then. But it's like when I but the, the issue is like the restlessness. There's restlessness and then there's like working from home restlessness, which is like, well, to meet that is to get out. You know, that's where volleyball has been meeting that
more. That's one night a week and then and but we've been quite busy on weekends. But even me thinking about this Saturday coming up, we thought we did have stuff on. I'm like, cool, well, that's going to meet that. I'm, I've got something, I'm going to actually have something on, which is good because if I don't, I've been really aware of like I will sit on the couch and I won't move. And then that's when the restlessness really builds and I get really frustrated.
I get irritated. I don't like that I'm not feeling productive. So that's why I was asking you the other day. I'm like, we're free on Saturday, right? Like, you know, because we both thought we had that birthday party on And, but now I'm thinking like, all right, well, what can we do Saturday then? Like I, I I will need to do something because I know what it will lead if I you don't. Yeah, it's interesting because restlessness is the unresourceful side of variety.
And so it sounds like when you're restless in the unresourceful patterns, not when it's helped you be resourceful. When you're restless and it and you're meeting, you're trying to use that to meet a need. You're actually you like seem to pinball it pinball it. Yeah, pinball it. We'll go with it. This is a really surprised that it made sense. All of a sudden I had the old like Windows pinball game popped into my head.
I went to a different place. Anyway, it seems like you pinball it to meet the certainty need. So it's like I'm restless. So I'm going to pinball it to meet certainty, but instead of meeting it resourcefully, which you some when you're intentionally you do, you're pinballing it to frustration and overwhelm. And it's not just like I'm restless, I'm restless. It's like that. I'm frustrated.
I'm going to get snappy or I'm going to feel like I need to over control or I'm going to feel like I need to over plan or pre plan and that kind of thing. Until you've implemented these ways of having that restless trigger be like I'm feeling a bit restless, unresourceful in my variety. How can I change that up into a healthy? Or I've identified that I, I know I could feel that. Like I said, this Saturday, we're now all of a sudden free. It's like, oh, that's that's. A trigger for me.
Trigger for me and so I want to make sure that I've got something there that I don't go down that line. Yeah, fascinating baby. So once we realise these behaviours, we can start to intentionally choose what resourceful ones we want to put in place instead.
And like you've just described really well, we can also project what might become a problem because of regular patterns and regular triggers, and put things in place to help meet those things resourcefully before we get to the point where we're meeting them unresourcefully. And what's what's really helpful about this is like this is news for you. Like a lot of the stuff that I'm sharing, not not completely.
It's like we've been sharing about some of this, but some of this would be light bulb moments for you too, as they're light bulb moments for me. And this is a lot of what coaching is, right is like I've been, you know, not to this extent. I think this has just equipped me so much more with understanding. So it makes me make it helps me make sense of how I operate so I can feel more in control of of the things that I'm, you know, struggling with, which is what I need, right?
And which is how I operate in this way. But even then, I'm like, that's why I've been so asking you so many questions about what if we did this on Saturday? Could I do this on Saturday? Like, you know, like checking in my because I'm, I'm identifying, but that's an issue for me. But I hadn't wasn't really aware of it until right now. Yeah, right. Like I I was doing. Anything. Yeah, and even with the finance stuff, right, I'm like, why am I so controlling with finances?
Why like why is it such an issue for me when it's like, oh, that's, that makes sense now. And it helps me to now have confidence and be aware of that. Like sweet, alright, cool. I don't wanna be that guy. I wanna be empowering. I don't wanna be controlling. Like controlling it has as good as as negatives, positives and negatives. So like how now can I work through that?
And that will be that would be the follow up from this is like, you know, us working together on how do I positively do that? You know, The thing is with with coaching is like you identify a lot and then you work with people on those things that they identify, which is awesome. Absolutely. And it's, yeah, we've done so many of these things, so many of these things, and still there's so much to learn and there will be for the rest of our lives, which is a a good thing.
Like it. It just gives more potential for growth and development and understanding each other more intimately. And that's really important in
relationship. So the really key thing here is once you've identified the behaviours that aren't resourceful, it's not a matter of cutting them out, it's a matter of. Choosing which resourceful way you want to meet it. So a challenge for you is you identified that restlessness is unresourceful because of what it leads to. Instead of cutting out trying to be adding variety to your life, you choose a way that's more
resourceful than restlessness. So while it's good that it's kind of balancing out with certainty, it also is important for you to implement the resourceful variety things as well. But yeah, it's a, it's about giving you that intentional moment to be able to pick what you'd rather be playing out rather than just cutting it off altogether. So the the balancing part of it is another layer to this because they're on either end of the seesaw certainty, variety, significance, connection.
You can't be fully significant, like fully invested there and be really connected with other people because they just are two of the two sides of the same seesaw really. And so certainty and variety are opposites. So significance in connection. And you can't be 100% about control and also fully spontaneous. You can't be all about being seen and also about blending in with people and connecting with people.
So it's important you're looking at what needs are driving your behaviours and recognising how they're playing out resourcefully and resourcefully. You're also looking at how is that balance going between the two pairs as well and is something out of whack there and what can you do to bring that a little bit more into balance? So there's a lot of layers to these things and it will play out so differently. And certainty is definitely a top driver for me.
And so even though I have that play out, I plays out completely differently to the way it plays out for you. And, and I think it's important for us to be aware of that because I think they could be conflicting ways. In fact, I know they're conflicting ways in a lot of different things. So us just being aware of that alone is helpful because you can now we've got terminology to put to it be like, is this a resourceful way?
Like even us just checking in and saying that like, is this a resourceful plan or is this a unresourceful plan? It's just a gentle way of being like is this a healthy, sustainable forward focus one or is it something out of a need to kind of fill this out of balance part of your area of your life? So this is the six coordinates. This is what's driving us. When we can understand what's driving us, we can stop reacting and just start choosing. We don't have to be a product of
our reactions. We can actually be intentional and and have a little bit more control in that area and choose how we want to behave. We can see that even frustrating stuff in our life is usually trying to serve a purpose, which is an important thing to notice, and that we have the power to meet our needs in a way that supports our well being and our relationships. We are capable of those things.
So identifying these ways that these play out for you isn't a really important activity so that you have a better sense of ownership of your life. You've also got a better sense of grace for yourself and why you might be acting the way you are instead of just like, why do I keep doing this? So it helps you make sense of your patterns. Nice, that was awesome. I love that and again, like I mentioned about like now I, I feel like and this is what happened last time you did this with me too.
I'm like sweet, I've I I know what I can do from here. Like it's not because otherwise this is like, oh, I'm stuck in this place. I want to work on this. I don't know how to work on this. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. And it just like a lot of what you do is you just make me realise like, no, I can, you know, I can do all of those things. Like I've got everything I need to do to take those steps. And you do this already with your clients. You have the initial
conversation. You help identify what they're working through or what they're wanting to work through, even if they don't know like, like I didn't know what we're going to talk about today. I didn't know this is where the conversation was going to go. But you drew that out of me. It's like, great, well, this is a need.
Let's work on that. Yeah. And then so I just want to say to you guys, if women, if you want, if you can give an hour a week, if you want to work on certain things or don't know where you want to work on, but you know, you want to work on something, get in contact. You know, this is what Amy does and she's really, really good at it. You've just finished another session on Wednesday night. That's all finished up on the group coaching and again, just the responses coming out of that
was just awesome. So go check it out. Amy does a free one on one clarity session. Can you share about what that is? Yeah, it's basically the first part of the initial session I do with any client and it's essentially a few.
They feel very random, but questions to try and just get an indication of where you're at in life and where things might feel a little stuck or where you might need a little bit more clarity, hence the name, and shift up some of your thinking to kind of see it from a different perspective.
So it's helpful because it a lot of people will be like, yeah, I feel stuck, but I don't really know why or where or they haven't had, you know, frameworks like this to kind of help them identify where it is. So it's just the first part of that first session as a complementary thing so that people can experience what coaching is like and they can experience a little bit of like a shift up in terms of how
they're approaching these areas. They're needing more clarity and all these areas they're wanting to develop because they may or may not have that clarity already. So that's what it is. Yeah. So if you if you want to find out more information or if you want to reach out to Andy, you can go to Next Catch, next catching, next coaching chapter. Oh, you say it. Yeah, you can go to next. Blair tried to say this too many times. I'm not gonna include them all,
but it was very funny. So the website is www.you. Don't need to. Www.nextchaptercoaching.com dot AU but also you can go to our website, it's on there as well. It's on our website. She's also on Instagram so you can reach out to us on socials as well. If the website's too hard to remember, it's the same as the Instagram account anyway, but. Honey, we need to chat. Yeah, yeah, go that one too. Yeah, definitely. Awesome. Thanks so much for being with us
today, guys. Thanks so much for learning all about this. Beautiful. Now, everybody, now you've got a world of accountability. Love that. Anyway, have a good week guys. Good. Chat guys. Yeah, bye.