Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Honey. We need to chat. Yes, welcome. If you've ever overthought a text message or laid in bed wide awake wondering if your partner's vibe is off and something's wrong, then today this is for you. This is for. You we're gonna dive into a topic today that is very relevant to pretty much every couple and can really be a foundational reason why communication might be
struggling in your relationship. So why communication might be struggling in your relationship. So stick around. Yeah, and another reason communication could struggle in your relationship is because someone in your relationship might be sick. I might Amy's quite sick. She's a trooper. She's come onto this podcast ready and raring and. Mumbling. Mumbling, but yeah, this is really our heart behind this podcast guys, is to work through communication.
We believe that when communication and relationship dies or struggles, that's when bad things happen in a relationship. The importance of communication in terms of clearer communication or understanding the other person when receiving communication is so such an important and vital part to every relationship. So this is what we're about. So we do the podcast here. Amy has also created some resources, free resources for you guys onto our website at honeymoon to chat.com.
You can go check that out. Free downloads there, but amazing stuff just to get you guys started. But she's also started a coaching course now too. So you can catch up with Amy one on one. The females, you can catch up with Amy one on one for that, which is another amazing thing that she's doing in this space. And again, we're very passionate about it. So what are some things that you would be working with women on
in this space? Yeah, we're working a lot about the things that sit behind the decisions that we make in life or the patterns that we're seeing play out in our lives. And so women are exploring some of the stuff that might be keeping them stuck or might be keeping them in repeating patterns, might be keeping them in a place where they're not understanding what would be bringing their life to the
fullest. So there's lots of things like looking at the defining moments that sat behind who we are, are and would have created us to be the way that we are, the stories we tell ourselves, the internal conversations. And I've got a really exciting, completely custom built by myself, which I'm really excited and proud about. Programme coming out in June, all about body image. And it's going to be super practical in terms of actually shifting this for people. So watch the space as well.
But yeah, definitely there to do one on one sessions with anyone who wants to just explore this stuff a little bit more. You can book in for a free clarity session, which is the initial session I go through with clients, and you can also check out the group coaching programmes that are available there. Yeah, and sorry men, I don't run any of these sessions for you at this stage, but like a big heart of ours as well. So yeah, we we're doing the podcast, you're doing your coaching stuff.
Something that we want to work towards as well is couples retreats so that we can work with couples together about. Yeah, again, there's having an intentional week or weekend to really grow and equip each other with tips and tricks and tools for your toolkits and your relationships. That's something that we want to grow and work towards. So if you would like to support us in this endeavour, please just do the basic like share, subscribe.
That's what that's the stage we're up to at the moment, just getting the word out there of this, these amazing resources and so forth. So please get on to that. That'd be absolutely amazing. Yeah, cool. This is actually and that that's a fast one, by the way. That's a little bit of us, but we have been busy little bees. Yes, we have. Yes. In what? Well, I was just like, this is the first night time. Oh yeah, recording that we've
done in a long. We have been busy and not questioning that, I'm just wondering which of the busiest? Yeah, exactly. So we usually record during the week, but we've just been flat out, I've been in webinars all this, all this week or most of this weeks, which is when we usually record. Today we were filling out all new lights in our house because our lights were giving us seizures because they're all flickering on and off. Yeah. So my uncle came around and
helped us with that. But you've also been doing some stuff as well. Tell us, what have you been doing? Yes, I have been rehearsing. I'm in the final weeks of rehearsing for the musical that I am a part of, which I'm really excited about.
It's come from away. If you've heard of it, you love it, and if you haven't heard of it, you're gonna love it when you watch it. And it's basically this amazing story of community coming together during September 11th, but it's community in a tiny little island off of Canada that all of a sudden their population doubled because all these aeroplanes got diverted there when the twin towers were
attacked. And so this community out of the blue gets told they're going to have to house 7000 people, which is double their population with no support or help from anybody basically. And they all pull together and make it happen. And it's, it's such a unique musical. We were talking, we were talking in an interview on Friday, actually, with the local newspaper and just trying to explain how unique it is because
it's just super dynamic. It's really like, it's done in such a magical way, yeah, where each actor is playing multiple characters and we're literally switching characters on stage in front of everybody while we're moving the set around and changing clothes and changing accents. And it's just it's really dynamic and beautiful. I remember when you first showed me or started showing me the show and then you were telling me about it. My dad. It didn't sound.
Yeah, it doesn't sound great, but it's one of my favourite musicals now they're. Watches are all. So many times with the kids as well. The kids love it too. Yeah, but it's absolutely amazing. And I have never cried during the musical until this musical. Like, it is powerful and which is very strange. I wasn't expecting it from when you're explaining it. Especially because it's powerful, but it's also so funny and light.
Like it's not a real heavy, tragic kind of feel, even though it's a tragic instance that happened and it's true stories. It's just incredible. So if you're local to us, please consider coming and watching come from away. You can check it out via the link in our bio. We'll we'll link that up there and put some posts on our social media. Definitely recommend. It's going live at the end of May, the beginning of June. So that is what I have been busy three nights a week plus more
trying to prepare for. And yes. But you've been doing amazing, though. So Amy, just a history for you guys. When Amy and I met, Amy was really into drama and so forth and got accepted into a acting school in Hawaii. Yeah. And I wasn't for that. Like honestly, I wasn't for long distance where I was at that stage, we were. Before we started dating that I was accepted. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah, so and so she's put that essentially on hold for ever since then. So 10 years.
We just had our 10 year anniversary and she's finally getting into this in a major, major role and you're doing so well. Like it's just, it's just great. And we're really excited to watch you too. So get onto that guys. It's gonna be a lot of fun. And maybe instead of the like 2 seconds we've just talked about it, listen to our we've we spoke about it in one of our episodes where we talk about our story a lot. Yeah, Blair wasn't telling me not to go chase my dream.
Just to be really clear. If that triggered you, use that as motivation to go listen to the other episode where we explain it all. I'm not. I'm not a jerk most of the time. Yeah, Come from a way. Come and watch it. Come from a way to come and watch it. Yeah. All right, so today we're diving into a really dynamic topic. And actually you came up with this topic idea and you stumbled onto it. And I'm curious if you can share why it triggered as an idea for something for us to talk.
So someone shared it with me and so it wasn't something I've just stumbled across. Someone shared with me as a good topic and then I started exploring it more and I'm like, oh, this is, this is actually really important to be aware of from for myself, but also for for our listeners because it was such AI actually hadn't heard of this stuff before. But I think it's quite common and we're going to get into it. So I'm being quite vague, but I think it's quite common.
But for me, it was one of those kind of like the mental load episode, like it was a light bulb moment of like, oh, that's what I'm doing. So yeah, it was a good one. Yeah. So tonight we're going to be talking about attachment styles and how that might play out in your relationships. Everybody has an attachment style, so it's relevant to every single person.
And the dynamic, the dynamical part I'm going to stand on that comes in when you're interacting with multiple, you have multiple people in your relationship and both of you have different backgrounds and upbringings that are going to have shaped you differently and will be playing out differently. And so that's why it's important for couples to be aware of because this shapes relationships and it shapes how you do conflict. It shapes how you do like
quality time together. It shapes a lot of your reactions to each other. And a lot of people don't have like a super clear conscious awareness of why they play that out. They might have like some awareness. But yeah, we're going to dive into it tonight because we think it's really important to be aware of so that you can name it and you can put things in place to work as a team in a better way when.
We're aware of these things. It strengthens the way that we communicate because we have a greater understanding of why we're reacting that way. Yeah, exactly. So attachment styles are things that are that patterns that started being built from our early childhood. And it's based on our attachment to our caregivers.
And it influences how we see relationships, It influences how we navigate conflict, how we express our needs, how we respond to emotional threats and how we see closeness with our anybody. But in your, in your romantic relationship, that plays out big time. And there are lots and lots of styles and you could get really, really detailed, which we're not going to do tonight. And there's also a lot of like combinations. So you might hear anxious avoidant.
But tonight we're just going to do the three main ones, which is secure, anxious and avoidant. And if we focus on those ones, it'll give us a foundation to then look into it further as we go. And after this episode for you to look into it further. We're also going to have a free resource on our website specifically about this to help you workshop what we talk about a little bit more so we can go
into more detail there. But tonight we're just going to be focusing on the top three ones, secure, anxious and avoidant. So when you're developing your attachment style, it's not just about if you feel loved or don't feel loved. It's about the consistency within your upbringing and the consistency from your caregiver. It's about the emotional attunement that you have with your caregiver and especially during stress or need.
So it's not just about did we have loving good times, it's actually about how were we in stressful times, How was I care for, cared for in stressful and needing times. And to me as a parent, that is the most challenging part of this all because it is really significant. But one thing I do want to say as we dive into this is it's not about blaming your parents necessarily.
Not to downplay a traumatic upbringing, but it's also important not for us to just be like, our parents ruined us because they didn't do this, this and this when a lot of the time our parents were just doing the best that they could, same as we're going to be doing now. And as a mom reading through this stuff when we're preparing today, I was like.
Yeah, and a big part of these things to like the blame game is just not OK. And we had to take that responsibility on ourselves of like, cool, all right, well, these could be the reasons why I'm reacting this way or whatever, but it's up to me now to do something about it. So there is a responsibility. On our side, yeah. The the blame game, if you want to call it that, is a really misguided trap to fall into because it actually just keeps you stuck. Yeah, it doesn't.
Mean more than someone else. Exactly. Yeah. So it's not, it's, it's not to downplay that someone can do something to you that you had no control over and it really has affected you. That's not to downplay that part of it. But it, our whole point, our whole culture on this podcast is we want to uplift people to do like take the reins where they can and, and implement what they can in the ownership of their part of the issue. And in this situation, that's
what we're talking about. Yeah. Becoming aware of these patterns, aware of where they came from, but then mostly aware of how they're playing out for you and how they might be playing out in your relationship. So yeah, it's about, it's about how you're raised, not just the love, but also about the consistency, about how you were cared for when you needed help, about how your your family navigated stress, that sort of
thing. And the reason is that children in early childhood cannot regulate their emotions alone. And so they need to Co regulate with an adult with their caregiver, sorry. And that process is what starts to wire their expectations of relationships. So what they experience in that process where they're Co regulating wires their brain physically to expect certain things from relationships. So we're going to dive into a little bit of where attachment styles started.
So John Balby was a British psychologist who developed the foundational ideas of attachment theory. I'm reading this by the way. There is no way I can remember this sort of stuff. But he believed that early bonds between a child and their caregiver are crucial for the child's emotional development. He proposed that children are biologically wired to seek closeness to a caregiver for safety, survival and especially in times of stress.
Yeah. And we definitely see this with their own kids, like how much they cling to us. And sometimes there's, like, too much, man. But how special it is as as well. Like we are, they're people, you know, like they, we're the ones that they come to. But also, Mary Ainsworth was an American Canadian psychologist who expand. So this is later on they expanded on Balby's work. I don't know if I'm pronouncing these names right by the way,
but they're fun to say. She conducted the famous strange situation study where she observed how infants responded to separations and reunions with their caregiver. From this, she identified 3 main attachment styles, secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoid an attachment. So together, Balby and Ainsworth helped helped show that the way we bond in early childhood can deeply affect how we relate to others throughout life. Yeah, exactly.
So we just wanted to highlight kind of where the actual framework or the theory of it came from. And that's why we now have the words to put to this. I guess they they've done these studies and seen how kids relate to their connection with their parents and then further on into their emotional connection in other relationships. So these patterns do not stay in childhood. They started noticing that actually, oh, it plays out as you become an adult and it plays out in dating, marriage,
parenting. It plays out in texting, in arguments. It plays out in your work situations. It plays out in a lot of different relationship based spheres of life. Hence, again, why it's so important for us to be working on this. So just to quickly run through those three main ones that we spoke about. So there's secure attachment, and this seems fairly
straightforward. That's when you're the child back when they were being caregiver, caregiver by their caregiver logic and colds, the caregiver. That's when a caregiver was mostly responsive, warm and consistent, where comfort was given when they were distressed and delight when they were calm, where there were safe boundaries and emotional availability. So basically exactly kind of
what it sounds like, secure. And that in that process, the child then learns that when I'm upset, someone shows up or my needs are valid and I can express them safely, or I am lovable and others are trustworthy. So really important foundational lessons about what relationship is like. And then as an adult, as they grow, you can see that playing out for them in that they are comfortable with both closeness and independence. So they can be close and they can be independent and that's a
comfort for them. It's not a an area of anxiety. They can communicate clearly and repair after conflict. They can seek connection without fear or pressure. And so you can probably list off the top of your head a few people that you're like, I feel like they're very well adjusted. They probably have secure attachment. A note here as well is that no parent is perfect and I needed
to add this note for myself. No parent is perfect and secure attachment can form even from imperfect but consistent care. So you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. And you don't have to stress about that because there's a lot of grace there, but the consistency of coming back and apologising and being aware and having that kind of healthy relationship is what's important.
What's what was fascinating when I was looking into this and getting this episode ready was I did the test, which we can link people to later, but I fell into the secure attachment style part, right? But I was reflecting on that and I'm like, I actually think I can score that now because of being married to you, because of the other part that like sort of my second one was avoidant 'cause I would cut off, right? I would cut people off. And I would do that quite a lot.
And I was so aware of it though. And I feel like I've, it kind of set me on the path of I need to work on my stuff because I don't want that to be my reality in my marriage. And so I feel like that's actually changed after 10 years of marriage. Not not like, yeah, no anything
else. Yeah, it's interesting that you say that because down the track in today's episode, we're gonna talk about what I think mine is. And it's a similar kind of thing how it can just because you've got one attachment style doesn't mean it play has like once you put it like, yeah, intentional effort in, it can actually adjust. So watch this space. But good note on that one also. You're welcome. I've put in so much work. No, you just felt super secure after we got together.
All right, so the next one is anxious attachment. So this anxious attachment is when a child in early childhood experiences inconsistent caregiving, sometimes nurturing, sometimes unavailable emotional needs are sometimes dismissed or overreacted to to inconsistent. And then through that, the child learns that they need to try harder to be loved. And that connection can disappear at any moment.
And then that then plays out as an adult in fears of abandonment or rejection in over focuses on others tones, mood or availability and may over function in complex to regain close closeness. So they're like close, get close, get close kind of thing and very aware of how other people are feeling. And then the third one that we mentioned is avoidant attachment, which is what you've
just said as well. And that's when the child experiences in early childhood emotionally distant caregivers, they're encouraged to suppress emotion or be self reliant. And through that, they then learn that my needs are too much or it's safer to just not need anybody. And then that plays out as an adult and they feel more safe with emotional distance and they struggle to express needs or tolerate emotional vulnerability. And that kind of cut off sort of reaction to fear and
relationship. What's really sending out to me from you Reading out to these, I can see our kids. Yeah, I know. And that's very confronting. I know, you know, and I know like so when you read through the anxious attachment one, that inconsistency, I'm like, oh man, that's me. Like I, you know, I really struggle with that consistency of we're chatting today about how I get quite overwhelmed and I get, I've assimilated and then I just react and I can see, I can see our kids responding to
that for sure. Yeah, it is a confronting thing to hear as a parent, 'cause I was thinking the same about myself. But we're aware of it. Yeah, that's really. And that's what we can do. And that's, that's, that's the most important part of this is being aware of it first. Like really having that self reflection even in your marriage or your relationship with your partner or whatever. Not just as a parent, but it's so important to be reflective on this and seeing, well, what am I
contributing here? And, and honestly, there's a part of me that wants to go on this downward spiral of like, I'm the worst dad because I've definitely gone down the spiral before. But again, just thinking back to you though, you know what I just said to you before, I really believe that before marriage, I was struggling with avoidant, you know, like that was just my thing. That's what I that's that's how I naturally responded. But now I don't. And that gives me hope, right?
That shows me the change over 10 years. Like it's 10 years. That's a long time, but it's changed. It has changed. And so, yeah, if we don't recognise it, if we don't self reflect, then we can't do anything about it. And that gives me excitement even to be like, no, that's not, I don't have to be like that forever. What can I do now? Yeah.
And on a random little side note that we're not going to dive into too much, I was thinking about how because the description of anxious attachment is sometimes nurturing, sometimes unavailable and inconsistent. And I was thinking, I wonder what this generation of children are going to experience with parents who have phones because we're so often just like in our little zombie state around them,
even more than we realise. Like I feel like I am aware that I'm on my phone too much, but some people are on their phone and they don't even know it. As in like some people might be like, no, I'm really intentional with not being on my phone. But there's still these times we're just staring at a box in our hand and the kids grow up knowing what it is.
Our toddler knows what it is. He knows it's my phone and that I spend a lot of time on it. And so I wonder if that's going to even in really secure relationships, I wonder if the phone dynamic is going to add to anxious attachments at all. Really fascinating. Anyway, So again, not to get like down on ourselves, it's just awareness is so freeing.
And that's why I love coaching and that's why I love this podcast because every little thing you learn about yourself is one more piece of like one more tool in your toolkit, one more like step you're taking forward to learn these things. So this is just an awareness thing. It hurts sometimes, but it's really important. So those are the three we're talking about, secure, anxious and avoidant. And it's more than likely that you have a mismatch in your relationship or some kind of
combination. And so then understanding the tendencies is really important for them working through communication in every other area that we've listed. So as I mentioned before, I definitely lean towards anxious attachment. And I've known that for a little while. I always heard anxious attachment and I actually spent like maybe a year or two ago, I like spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what is my attachment style and it was really helpful.
And probably the last, I mean, since we got married, really it's been a slow progression of just developing. But then really in the last couple of years I've just been like, I cannot keep just spending so much emotional energy in these places that weren't helpful. Anyway, when I was going through it to prepare for this episode, I realised that I definitely lean towards anxious attachment.
But I think I've moved through this like process of our relationship and, and being in a safe space and then learning about myself, moved into an earned security. So the phrase I came across was anxious attachment with earned security. So that might be the same thing for you, like avoid an attachment with earned security. And I think meaning that through that process, you've earned the security or the secure, sorry, earned, earned secure.
So you've earned the secure attachment even though it wasn't necessarily the the foundation that you had. So I'm definitely still really sensitive to the anxious attachment stuff. And it's not about fixing it either, by the way. It's not about like making these things go away. You're probably always going to have, that's how your brain naturally will go. But it's about, oh, I'm moving towards this, I'm bringing it
back, I'm bringing it back. Yeah, it's empowering you to actually process and and navigate through that situation. Yeah, exactly. So how you might notice your own attachment style playing out in your life. These are just a few examples of everyday moments that you might see it playing out if you want to kind of get a gauge of what yours might be. Secure means you're comfortable with space and closeness and you assume good intent.
That's a really good one. Because when I read that, I was like, I never assume good intent. I don't always assume bad intent, but I always assume some kind of intent. But just I know these people that are always like, yeah, I assume good, good intent and it so that's, that's how it might play out for you as an adult. You're comfortable with space, but you're also comfortable with
emotional closeness. And you might assume good intent, anxious attachment, might feel panicked by silence or mood changes, might need frequent reassurance. If you find yourself seeking reassurance often in relationships, this might be playing out for you. And so then avoid an attachment. You might see that playing out by avoiding emotional vulnerability with people. It's interesting for me though, because I also avoid emotional
vulnerability with people. Like I love connecting, but if I I well for a time if I found people were getting like too connected to me, it freaked me out. Like I even people I really want to be in a relationship with, I was like, I can't. I don't know how to express that I like you. Yeah, but I think this is really important. Like we've gone through other things like the four the governments for horsemen, the five other languages and stuff, and it doesn't.
It's a framework it. Is it's a framework and you're gonna flip out into other ones. You'll have a little bit of each one. It's not that this is you, you know, you're the anxious one. It's not you're going to fit into all of these difference in some way. Yeah, exactly. And as I actually said and already forgot for myself, there's combinations so that you often hear people say I'm an anxious avoidant. What does that mean? We'll find out later.
But yes, an avoidant attachment playing out in adulthood would probably be avoiding vulnerability or preferring distance or being a bit more task focused. And then during conflict, some of the ways you might see these things playing out is if you're secure, you might stay really grounded or express yourself very clearly and enjoy like be seeking repair with people. If you're anxious, you might be
chasing connection in conflict. So like overcompensating for a sense of conflict and feeling like you need to reach out and make sure it's fine over explaining yourself or spiralling. And then if your avoidance, you might find in conflict that you just shut down Stonewall ish, you might withdraw or escape emotionally. And that's probably where that cut off thing comes in as well.
No, I'm done and it's not instead of being like I'm cutting them off because I'm actually really emotionally hurt by this, I'm cutting them off because they're not, I don't need them that kind of like attitude. And these are all protective strategies. They're not character flaws. It's really important not to be like, Oh yeah, that's that's my weakness.
They're protective strategies that were learnt, unfortunately in a time where we learnt what we learnt because we needed what we needed and we may or may not have been receiving that. So not something to be done about. And the reason it matters in relationships, which goes probably mostly without saying, is when you pair two people with different styles up, it's going to play out the same as when you pair two people with different love languages, two people with
different conflict preferences. There's always, it's going to play out in the way that you engage and react to each other. And so your patterns can actually activate each other. So if you have an anxious partner, they might be like, why don't you talk to me? Because they fear abandonment
and they reach out more. And then if that person's paired with an avoidant partner, they might be like, I need fee, I need space because I fear enmeshment and to being too close and emotional vulnerability. And they withdraw further. And that's just like a little chasey game down spiral. So just think about this. This is kind of how you might see it playing out. This is an example. So one partner notices that the other person's quiet after dinner.
The anxious partner asks is everything OK? And the avoidant partner shrugs and says I'm fine and gets up to scroll on their phone. The anxious partner then feels dismissed and starts to probe. You seem off. Did I do something? No. Reason. And the avoidant partner feels smothered and responds coldly. Why do we have to talk about every little thing? And now they both feel misunderstood. 1 is trying to connect and the other is just trying to breathe. So that's the scenario.
This Is Us. Yeah, this happened. The When did I say you seem cranky at me? Today it was today I'm like I just walked in the door. I've been out of the tip all morning. Yeah, and it seemed cranky anyway. So this is the anxious avoidant trap. And unless both people understand what's going on as we've just played out, it leads to more distance and more miscommunication, and then frustration. And then stories build and then there's actual frustration.
I don't know the amount of times that I've been like, are you annoyed? And then you're like, no. And then I'll say it again, like, are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. Are you annoyed? No, but I'm annoyed now. Like that conversation has played out so much for us. Then I'm like, I'm just trying to care for you. I'm just trying to make sure everything's fine. I understand where you're coming from, but man it does get annoying. And then I'm like, if you cared about and asked me how I was, I
would feel loved. So this is very real in our relationship, not. Very real. And that's something we want to be continually reassuring. You guys listening in, like the things that we discussed, like we are working on, you know, we are still growing in these areas and he still asks me constantly if I'm OK. I constantly respond positively and calmly with gracious impatience. I was talking to someone the other day and they were like, I was just explaining something we
were talking about. And then she's like, she's like, oh, so you guys have like struggle through things too. And I almost got defensive because like, yes. And then I thought, does our podcast sound like we don't like we never intend that to be the case.
By the way, I. Think it's because, I mean, we're talking about like we, we're not, we try not to constantly talk about our struggles and we talk a lot about these different theories and all different things we can do to do, you know, I think it can come across like we've, we've, we've got them. This is what we do, but it's not this is what we're learning, but we do it really well. And we're pretty perfect. Yeah. Not anyway. So these, this is how it might
play out. And the amazing thing is once you start to notice it as a pattern rather than a personal attack, that's when everything can start to shift. So when you finally realise that I'm just asking you if you're OK because I'm anxiously attached and I love you, then we're going to be fine. I've got so many comments that I want to make right now. Continue. So, identifying your own attachment style, this is a couple questions you can ask yourself if you want to figure
it out. One, do I panic when I feel emotionally out of sync? Or do I pull away when someone gets too close? Or do I stay steady even during tense moments? So just ask those three questions and might give you a bit of a, you probably already have a thought about where you're at. But just in case you're still wondering or check out our free resource where we're going to have a bit of a kind of quiz and deeper dive into working it out for yourself.
And then how to converse, how to conversation with your partner, how to have that conversation with your partner. Most of us are blends. So like we've spoken about, there's a combination, there's blends and it's just a framework, but one pattern usually is the dominant 1. So that's probably what plays out most or first and so helpful to get your head around which one that might be. All right. So it's all well and good to notice these patterns playing out for your relationship and
for yourself. Notice it for yourself and then notice it for your relationship because you, the benefit of you noticing it for yourself and working on it for yourself, even outside of the context of your relationship is huge. But it's all well and good to recognise that and then to have that. It's really helpful to then have that conversation. But here are some other practical ways that you can start navigating this difference in attachment style within your relationship.
So if you're an anxious person, pause before you react. If something comes up, just take a moment to breathe and pause before you jump to a conclusion about what your partner might be meeting meaning. And then try just verbalising what you're navigating. So say I'm feeling disconnection, which may or may not be there, Can we check in again soon? So can we make a time to check in and make sure we're connected?
Fine, soon. So you're verbalising what you need, but you're not letting it run the game. And then remind yourself that their silence doesn't equal rejection. Remind you that my silence does not mean rejection. Except it does. Only when you annoy me. And then if you're avoidant, notice the urge to retreat when you're feeling conflict in your relationship and try again, verbalising what you need and just say I need time, but I do care and I'll come back.
And we've spoken about that. We've done that. Yeah, being verbal with, I know that right now I'm leaving this scenario or I need some space. But I also love you and I will make an effort to come back to it and then remind yourself that closeness is not a trap. And then if you're a mixed pairing between the two of you, create a shared language. So like we've spoken about little phrases or little things that help you. So let's take 20 minutes and
come back. That can just become a phrase that you say when you need it or name patterns gently. So I'm noticing I'm spiralling. Can we pause and reset and just pause and reset and then also prioritise repair, even if it's awkward? It's really important that that repair is made, even if it's uncomfortable. Tense moments don't feel good. And then when you're navigating them differently, they're complicated. But it's important to repair down the track.
So if you've just had a little aha moment about this way, you might be attached to relationships. These are a few little practical things for you as well. You're not broken. This is a pattern. As we said before, it's a pattern. It's not a flaw. So these are learned habits and your awareness is where your power is AT, and that's why we're navigating these things as parents. Our awareness is where that power is at, where that equipping is at. Name your patterns out loud.
The vocal naming of what you're navigating, especially within your relationship, like the times we've had conversations where we are able to express the differences and how we work have always brought us closer and always been really helpful. And sometimes you need to come back to that, like this conversation even, you know, this is like patterns that play out for us regularly. And it can get tiring, like when you, when you keep coming back to the same things, it does get
tiring. You're like, oh, are we still working on this? But ten years, like, you know, we've been married and we, we've worked through so much and we've become closer in areas, like so many areas, we've still got a lot of areas to work on, but it's so worth it. You know, it does get tiring at points, but it is so worth it. Yeah, absolutely. You're worth it. Thanks baby. I was talking to Ella's.
House and then one of our favourite ones that we say all the time is create emotional check insurance have regular weekly are we good moments to build security. So having a check in point and this honestly, when we've done this well, has been extremely freeing from me.
I don't know what it feels like for you because I'm not you, but like for me to know, yes, I'm an anxious attachment person, but I also have this day where we check in intentionally and we have already a booked in time to have the conversations we need to have and to prioritise our relationship. And that was really helpful. And probably from an avoidant attachment perspective, it's a bit of space so that you, you have a bit more space before you need to address things.
And it's a schedule. You know what's coming, you know what to expect. It's just helpful regardless, but especially for this kind of a thing. Then agree on the language you want to use, the phrases you want to use that you can have as like almost like little safe words to like quickly check in. You know where you're at. You both understand. Oh yeah, this is what that is. So let's pause and talk in 30 minutes or I'm spiralling or
something. That just it means more to you as a as a relationship, as a couple, and you can quickly deploy them when you might not be in the right headspace, which allows you to come back to it later so that you're not having to navigate it from within the deep emotions, especially if you're triggering each other. But you're also able to kind of remind, like bring kind of a gentleness around the
conversation, I think. And then using bridging language is another is the last practical tip here. So it's hard for me to talk, but I care. So I need space, but I do care. So I'll come back or I know I get anxious. Thank you for sticking with me and just using that like I'm aware of this. Thank you for your willingness to still be here kind of thing.
So that's the attachment styles as I, as we've mentioned, check out our free resource about this because we'll dig into them a little bit more and you can dig into them more. And we'll also try and create conversation starters and framework for you guys to navigate this together. But it's a really important one to understand in yourselves. And we're going to move into the reality check corner now of this, which is where we kind of make this practical.
This whole season, our real focus is that we don't want to just be a podcast that you listen to and it's just another voice out there in all of the voices in the world. But we want to be a podcast that offers an opportunity to implement these things really quickly. It can actually practically impact your life. Now. If you're willing to step up for this challenge, then this is something you can do with very little preparation right now or later in the day when you're
with your partner. So first we're going to have a reflection question, and this is for you to reflect internally and for yourself, your own reflection. When something feels off in a relationship, how do I usually respond? Do I try to fix it? Do I pull back? Do I go quiet? Do I pretend I'm fine? And then ask yourself, what is that trying to protect me from? Is it rejection? Is it conflict? Is it being misunderstood?
Just a little reflection for you to start trying to figure out what how these patterns might be playing out for you. The next one is a challenge that you can put into practise this week. Notice one moment this week where you go into autopilot and pause and ask yourself what would a healthy, secure connection look like right now?
So just taking one moment where you can feel these patterns taking over and instead of reacting as you normally would or spiralling as you normally would, pause and kind of try and always step yourself outside of your body and be like, how would a healthy secure attachment react in this situation? And try to implement that. And the last one is a future
pace moment. And this is a an activity where you can kind of visualise what's going on or what you would like to be moving towards and then borrow some of that feeling and the emotion that comes from that visualise visualisation and bring it back to today to help motivate and lead you or give you a bit of clarity about which direction you want to move into. So while I read this one, you can just close your eyes. It's just a brief one. Close your eyes and take a deep
breath. Picture a version of you who responds to tension with steadiness. You don't over explain, you don't vanish or shut down. You simply say I care. Let's figure this out. How would that feel? How would you present differently in your life and what is 1 habit that you could start today that would move you towards that version of you that can open your eyes. Let's see how that how that helps lead us. This has been colds with Amy and emotional attachment. I'd love this.
I just think again, like every time you and I do a test like this, we're always the opposite. Just be like me. But you're broken. So yeah, true. No, it's a pattern. It's not a, it's a pattern. It's not a brokenness. And it's really important to recognise that because it'd be very easy to just be like, oh, I just, it's a broken way I respond. It's not broken. It is, it is a defence mechanism that baby you put in place. So don't let that take you down
mentally. It's a defence mechanism that was put in place that has now shaped how you how you presented to the world. And the beauty that comes from some of that stuff is incredible. You could list so many strengths that come from each of these attachment styles, even though they might not be the most constructive or play out the most easily when it comes to relationships. But there's beauty that comes from who you are, so don't get too low on that.
But instead let it be a motivation to figure out how it is you work, how your partner works. Having that curiosity about how your partner works, how you work as a couple, how these patterns play out for you so that you are equipped when they do come up that they aren't running the game, they aren't running the show, they aren't controlling how you're acting, You're aware of it, and then you guys can build things in place to make it work better.
That's good. Cool. Awesome. Thank you everyone. Guys. Good chat.