Hey guys, welcome back to Another Chatter's episode. Great to have you here. Amy, how are you out of 10? The answer is 4 Why? No I am. I'm 8 out of 10 Blair and is little like. Cheeky. Always, Yeah. I'm gonna actually release. Don't do. Don't do that one. And I had one for you today, Did you? I was gonna say, Happy Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, happy Valentine's Day to you too. Did you remember? I remember that it was a thing. I remember where it was. Today, Happy Valentine's Day, babe.
Yeah, you too. Yeah. Not Valentine's Day. No, we're not, unfortunately. Well, not really, unfortunately. Well, is it? Because this is a conversation that we need to have. No great. Thank you guys for tuning in. Amy, how you got a 10? Eight. Yeah, that's eight. What about you? Cool. I reckon I'm a 90. Nice. Yeah, I, I actually thought I was going to be lower, like, you know, when you go to bed. So we went to bed kind of late last night.
Why did we go to bed late? Yeah, that's what I was going to because that's why I thought I'd be lower. But I'm actually kind of chipper. But maybe maybe that's good, maybe a little bit lower because I'll toddler really felt like to go there had a. Hard drop off so I'm surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was hard. So I totally just didn't want to go to daycare today was he was really upset. But last night I was. We we just finished the TV series Narcos before. We finished the 1st 2:00.
First two seasons, sorry. And so we went and we were looking up information about it because it's based on a true story, and I clicked on this one link. Yeah. And, well, you know what you think I was. Going to I was just going to talk about how you're so hooked on narcos that you keep. Oh yeah, that's one thing. Is like I struggled to go to bed because I'm like I need to know what happened. What happened? But I clicked on this one link and then my phone looked like like his.
My phone was under attack. So I closed it all down, shut the phone off and then got this like malware checker thing and. Everything was fine. Look like that's fine, but anyway when he freaked out. Just a little PSA. If was it in the cafe Public service now? Thank you. If is it McAfee? No, it's not McAfee. We were laughing about how that sounds like McAfee, like the McDonald's cafe. Yeah, MCAFE or something like that. The malware. No way.
Yeah, check out Thing. That thing, if you have a random pop up and you don't actually have that installed on your phone, there apparently is a scam where they pop it up pretending to be that thing. And I think that is my yeah, I think it was it. It might not. Even be an actual. Something something. And so you clicked block and then it went freaked out. Anyway, that's fine. We're OK for now.
We made it. We'll find out probably what happens with that down the track, but hopefully it's all good. Well, welcome back to honey. We need a chat. This is our chit chat episode. If you don't, I don't know what chit chat episodes are. These are the episodes in between the full episodes where we discuss a topic or something we're working on and it's a little more practical and a little more applicable to where we're at as a couple or something that we find really
important in relationships. So today you get to chit chat with us. This season, we want to be really intentional with not just being a podcast. We're really aware that there's so many voices out there. There's so many voices in the podcast space, in the information space, in the relationship space, and that's great. There's so much information for you to be consuming, to be learning and growing.
I find myself putting a podcast in, listening to it, and then I take my headphones out and then I go about my day and it kind of goes out my mind. And so every now and then that there'll be a nugget and I'm like, yes, that's so great and it'll actually impact my life. But for the most part, I'm consuming content all the time, very quickly, very fast paced. And we do not want, we're not doing this podcast for the sake of just being a voice view here and blah, blah, blah.
We want to actually be challenging people's real life relationships and strengthening people's real life relationships. And we're strengthening and challenging our own relationship through this process.
And so we've been trying to brainstorm how we can we introduce elements to the podcast that are immediately applicable to people if they want to, that the people can take on a challenge or take on a practical thing immediately in that day to even just gently test out how things are going or how they can go. So we're introducing a new segment at the end of the episode, Stick around for that. It's going to be called the Reality Check Corner.
And it's all about how we can take what we're talking about and immediately implement it in easy, manageable, not huge, big long ways. Because that's the other thing for me is I'm like, I don't have time to be implementing this big 5 step process or anything like that. So just quick, palatable implementation ways so that it's not just a thing you've heard and you're moving on throughout your day. It's a thing you've heard and you're, you're challenging yourself that day to put things
in practise. So listen out for that. And today we're going to be talking about something called communication loops, communicado loops, even some people might
say. So we're going to talk about some of the some of the things that you might see repeating in your relationship if you keep finding that you have the same argument or the same conversation, you keep getting stuck in the same patterns, or even the unspoken arguments or the unspoken disagreements, unspoken patterns that you just keep coming back to. That's what we're discussing
today. We're discussing what they might be and we're discussing ways that can help you break out of those communication loops because you don't have to stay in those loops for the rest of your relationship. Encouragement in the which is the encouragement. We've also got a really interesting story that I stumbled upon this week that was really encouraging to me. So I'm going to talk about that a little bit later. Stay tuned for that. Just how much relationships can
turn around. And I think we have a bit of a, I don't know, I think maybe we have a little bit of like a give up mentality. I don't know what the official phrase is With stuff like this, when we find ourselves really deeply stuck in the same patterns over and over, I think it's really easy to just be like, it's never going to get better. This is how it is and not really put time into being intentional to bring it around.
And I genuinely believe with all of my heart, and we've seen it in our relationship that you can work through those times where you're stuck. It's not just a matter of like, this is how we are now, and we're never going to get through that. So this is an encouraging episode. This is an episode to encourage you that if you found yourself in these patterns, these things can shift. And it's really important to be putting intentionality behind it.
Blair doesn't know much about these communication loops, so I'm going to stick through what they might be and how you might find yourself in one. So let's begin. Let's do it. So communication loops happen when couples repeatedly get stuck in the same argument conversation, emotional pattern. Internal conversation is my little add to that as well without resolution, they're finding themselves in the same patterns of interacting all the
time. So spoken loops, you might find out loud arguments you might find you're having is like the same fights about money, parenting, intimacy, chores, those kinds of things, those classic arguments that just come round and round in relationships. Things that you're like at the very beginning, like, oh, we don't see eye to eye on this or where we don't do these things the same way. And so they just kind of sit in the back burner and then they come back as you go and they
don't really fix themselves. They just kind of sit out of sight and then all of a sudden it'll come up again when there's a financial strain or something like that. Another one is a partner who always shuts down. And we've spoken about stonewalling. So it'd be the same kind of thing if there's a pattern in your relationship where one partner is always shutting down or both partners are shutting down.
And so the communication loop is that you can't communicate through it because there's a stonewalling element to it. You're shutting down and you're not engaging with it. Or there's one who pushes really hard to have that conversation. So like, especially if you've got one person shutting down and another like hounder, is that the word hounding? And they're just like constantly pushing at the same thing, Like we need to talk about this, talk about this or pushing their
side. That can be a communication loop as well. And apologising just to end the fight, which is a really interesting one, is also a communication loop. Because if you're just apologising to appease me because I'm upset about something that doesn't actually bring resolution, that's a fake resolution. And it can look peaceful. And especially depending on how the person does it, it can look
like, oh, we got a resolution. It's not really because you're not internally, you haven't come around, you haven't got resolution and closure in that space. You've just, you've just been like, all right, whatever, I'm sorry if I won't do it again. And that's not healthy. And it's not actually communicating. It's just a fake shiny, nice looking thing on the outside. So there's also unspoken, like I said, silent loops.
And this one I think is something I really wanted to add into this conversation because I fall into these things all the time. My internal world is very loud. And so I'm constantly internally processing as we spoke about recently, I think it was on our Chatters episode, a lot of the time you're like, I don't know what's going on in your head because we asked the question of like on Chatters, we were saying, what would you like? Patreon episodes, yeah. Yeah. What would you like to know
about the other gender? And you're like, I want to know how your brain works because a lot of the time I don't know what's going on. And that's really for me, my internal world is very loud. And so you can have internal unspoken loops that you get stuck in. So things like, I already know how they're going to react. So I'm not even going to go there. I already know what they'll say. I'm not even going to go there because I can't be bothered navigating that.
And I think a lot of the time that's based on fact, like like isn't based on experience. So you may actually know they often react this way, but even when it's based on experience, it's a very limiting thing to be like, I know how they're going to react. It's not worth it because you're not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you're also not allowing yourself to process what you need and stand up for what you need or, or feel free in your relationship to have a
voice. And you're also not letting your, and then you're like carrying the bitterness towards them unfairly because you haven't actually let them have a voice in that either. So that's a really common one. I already know how they're going to react. So you don't bring it up. The secret resentment cycle is another one where you're irritated at your partner and you don't actually say anything. And if I'm honest, this is what
I've found. Resentment's a strong word, but this is what I find myself falling into. Like if I get hurt by something or irritated by something, I wouldn't say it partially because I, I grew up with this like really strong desire to not rock the boat. And I don't want to say that. And I've spoken about that one here before. So then, but instead, it doesn't go away. Like the thing that's hurt me or whatever that sits badly with me or that's irritated me, whatever
it might be doesn't go away. It just sits there. And so then it's like this, like it just builds and snowballs into lots of things. And a lot of the time we've found that when we have a conversation, well, I've found when I've had a conversation with you about the thing that's irritating me, all the other little pieces just fall away. Yeah. And it's not as big of a deal as I thought it was. When you, like, sit there in this resentment cycle, it builds and builds and it starts to
encompass everything. And then the reality is not everything is encompassed in that. So that's also an unspoken loop you might find yourself in. So if you can hear this background noise, our golden retriever is very upset with us because it's raining yes, this morning. And she, we didn't take it for a walk. So she's brought a little toy pig in and she's chomping. She's. Each and the squeaker. So that's helpful because at least she's not. She's also playing the guitar
with her tail. Don't let me. I can go out there. Ow, now she's just gonna keep going. The mental scorecard game is another internal loop that might happen. And I think again, this is one a lot of people do without maybe realising it. And it's tracking everything you do versus what they do, but never voicing it. And I think there's like this reel that, oh, it's not even one
reel. So many people have made this reel where it's like when I decide I'm going to go off my phone and be present and I put my phone down and then I just stare at my husband who's on his phone or something like that. It's such a like classic issue. Like all of a sudden I'm like, I've been on my phone too much. I'm going to put this down and then they're still on their phone. And so it's like. Oh.
OK, You just always on your phone and I feel like that is such a constant thing in relationships. Like I did this and this and then look at what you're doing something and just even even when you're not trying to be conscious, like you're not trying to score it up, you do have a score of these things. And we've had conversation.
I can't think about the topics that we've had it, but I know we've had conversations where we're like, I've been doing this and you haven't or something like that. And then the other person's like, I've been doing that and you haven't. And it's just wild because perception is crazy. Like you interpret things so differently. It's crazy. Anyway, that's one other loop. And then the last internal unspoken loop is the avoidance habit, which is choosing silence
over potential conflict. And this is similar to I already know how they'll react And also stonewalling. And this is definitely something that I've had to work on just in general, instead of actually tackling the issue or the disagreement or the unnoticed thing, you just choose to be silent and not. But that again, is just going to
build resentment. All these things are loops we find ourselves in and the reason reason we find them in the reason we find ourselves in those loops could be a variety of things. It could be that you've had really bad experiences growing up, could be that you've had bad experiences in your relationship, could be that you you just haven't ever learned how to communicate well.
There's a lot of reasons for and I think a lot of couples would have communication loops that they have in their relationship, but I think it's really important to identify what loops you might have so that you can then do some things to counteract them when you're communicating I. Think it's identifiable. Also, again, we've mentioned before about having that intentionality and that commitment to it. So we hear a lot of, you know,
one, one side of the couple. How do you say that like one person, the couple, one partner, like wants to address these things or talk through these things and the other persons either not really willing to see it or recognise it or just not really committing to it. And that can be quite hard of like, well, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, there's no interest from your side. I'm carrying all the weight here. I'm wanting to do something.
There's a number of different things that can feed into that and we won't go into all of them because we're not experts in this space, but just from what people have been sharing with us. But one big thing is, again, how do we bring it up with our partner? And like, I think sometimes, you know, we've both fallen into the category, gone to the trap of saying you need to do this more, you need to do that more rather than again, having that five
year plan, right? Like that five year vision that you did a little while ago about where do you want to see yourself in five years? Where do you want to see that relationship in five years? So doing like having an intentional night like like that, like an intentional date night at home to set the tone and to explore that I think is a really good way to start the conversation and try and get you
both on board. Because I can get, it'll be very rare for someone to just not want to do that at all. Some, a lot of guys need permission and a safe space to explore that rather than feeling critiqued and judged. And then likewise, I'm with women as well, but I'm just a guy and I speak more to guys. So I can only come from that perspective. But yeah, I think setting the tone is really important. There's one thing to identify
these things. Yeah. It's another thing to commit to doing it and being you guys being on the same page with addressing those. Things yes and if you've just listened to this bunch of like communication loops and been like, oh, that's what my partner does yeah, you're falling into one of these communication loops. You're constantly projecting and not necessarily reflecting, reflecting on what you're bringing to the the conversation. So that that's given you your answer, maybe one of your
conversation loops. Can you explain just really quickly what the five year plan thing was just like briefly, so in case anyone doesn't hasn't heard that. Absolutely. So what Amy did, did we do it on an episode? I think we did it on a chatters episode. I'd have been chatting. Also, just a quick plug to Patreon, if you're wanting to dig, dive deeper, dig and dive and deep deeper onto the topics that we talk about, we do that on our chatters.
We do that as a community of people just wanting to explore and to encourage and to, yeah, unpack these things and sort of give tips to each other and stuff like that too. So jump over onto our Patreon and and join that that awesome community over there. Essentially what we did was we sat down and you just map it out. Like, did you get me to close my eyes? I think it was. And we're actually gonna do something like this at the end of the episode, too.
So also stay tuned. So close my eyes and it's like, well, like picture five years time. Where do I see myself in terms of my career, my family, my house, my location? Like there's a bunch of different things and so writing that down and then asking the question, well, what do I need to do to get there? And that really helped with our conversations like, well, where do I see our marriage in five years time?
It's like, so putting all of those things in there and how that all fit in together was actually really fun exercise and helping with clarity and, and prioritising and seeing actually I am putting my work above my family sometimes or vice versa. Well, that which is not a bad thing, but it's just like, you know, just that balance and everything. It just helps you get that bit more of a picture of what you're, what you're aiming towards and and where you're at in terms of that goal. Yeah.
And what is so wild to me is that like if you were in, well, people in their careers, people in businesses, people that are starting up projects, whatever it might be, you have you do this like you strategize, you have a vision you're working towards, you're clear on it, you reassess it.
If it's not working, there's like, what is it KPIs that you're checking along the way to make sure you're going OK, But for some reason in the most important relationship of your life, the thing that is the foundation to how you're doing in your career, how you're doing in every other area of your life. We don't do that. Like it's just like we just think you get married or you get together and you just coast. That's not how the things happen. That's not how you get stronger.
I think there's a misconception that if you, if you need to put work in, then it's not right. That's not true. I. Mean so many workplaces as well. They do like team building exercises. They they do like personality tests to work out how that works within the team. So there's a lot. Of professionals come in to talk. Exactly. Yeah, you go up healing workshops and all this sort of stuff which help, but in marriages or relationships? So often we don't.
It's a second, second thing with more priority on our work growth rather than our. Relationship and if we can get that time in, cool. But if we're not going to really go out of our way, I'm too. Tired for it again. It just drops the priority down and Bonnie, I do not want your. Slobbery pig, Your slobbery pig. You're bored. Cool. So these communication loops are damaging. They're dangerous for obvious
reasons. They might not feel dangerous and that's that's why we're addressing this now because I think a lot of these things can feel super innocent or not that big of a deal. The issue is like you've just said, 5-10 years down the track, these little separations that you have now, these little moments that are not being worked on, they're going to become big gaps down the track.
And unless you put that intentional time in, yes, it might feel like a small thing that this is the loop you're stuck in or that this is the thing you can't raise with your partner because you know how they're going to react. But in five years time, it's not going to feel so small. In 10 years time, it's not going to feel so small. So that's why it's important to address these things.
Now, these things are dangerous because they might make feelings, they might make problems feel unsolvable, which creates distance. So you feel like we can't get over this thing. We can't deal with this problem. There's this topic that just we've never been able to solve this topic, so we just avoid it. So it can start to feel again slowly at the beginning, it can start to feel unsolvable, which just causes distance down the track. They reinforce negative assumptions like they don't
care, they never listen. I don't know how many times I have thought about I've either been in conversation with people or I've seen people talking or on Reddit all the time, but also within our relationship unknowingly to myself. I think you should know the thing. And so often there's a foundational little key missing, which is they don't really understand what this means to you. You haven't really communicated
this super clearly. Doesn't take the ownership off the other person, doesn't mean that what you've done isn't a negative thing. But until I explain to you what it means to me and why it's important or why it's hurt me or just give you that context, it's not fair for me to assume that, you know, so many times that little key is missing. We talked about that with Bryce in our last full episode. People that just assume that's what that's what all the ROM
coms are based off. That's what horror movies are based off. Like that's why there's stories in those places is because people assume. And so it just reinforces negative assumptions. These communication leaps, like they don't care, they don't listen, they never change. They're just going to be this way forever. That's not necessarily true. I think a lot of the time we haven't put the effort in to try and see if it can change if they do care or given them the
benefit of the doubt. It also keeps both partners stuck in old roles and reinforces that so that no one's
growing. And especially if there's like a bitterness between what's being done in the house, for example, not communicating properly, having a communication loop around this is just going to keep those people stuck in those places and then reinforce it, which will then cause more communication issues down the track, more hurt down the track, and it doesn't allow space for either party to grow.
I think another thing that I've wrestled with growing up is so my father was a beautiful man, but he had some very intense quirks about him. And there's a lot of mental health stuff going in. But we, I used to work so, so hard to make sure that nothing rocked his boat. Like I didn't want him to get upset. I didn't want him to be put out because I just, I was stressed about how he would react. And I came to this realisation when I was a young adult and I was stressed about it.
I was like, if I keep fixing this for him or if I keep avoiding this for him, he doesn't have the opportunity to grow. Like I'm actually impacting his opportunity to grow. He's still responsible for that, but I'm not responsible for making it so that he doesn't have to deal with that thing. And I think in relationships we can find ourselves in that place too. Like I don't want to put them out or I don't want to get them upset or they don't react well when I say this, so I don't want
to say it to them. And we are not responsible for making sure that our partners, you don't have to face the difficulties. That, that carried across into our marriage as well and our relationship. And you've worked really hard on that in our first episode back
for this season. We, you shared that about, you know, during our busy time with, with, you know, between the season breaks about how you would shut down and you wouldn't say what you needed to say because you didn't want to rock the boat or you didn't want to get me offside or whatever else. And then in that time it helps because your patience was a lot less. And so you're like, no, I have to say this because it's, it wasn't even just a matter of I need to get better at saying stuff.
If you didn't say it would have affected you 10 times more. I. Didn't have capacity exactly. Yeah. So I would have like really, really weighed on you way more. So you've had to work on that quite a lot. And I think that's quite an important process or yeah, process. I'll stick with it of, you know, what are we bringing into our relationships? Like what are past hurts, past
experiences and whatever else. And that's where self reflecting is, is extremely important journaling and sitting down and use ChatGPT to help ask a bunch of questions to help you explore that. What are the stuff that you're bringing into the relationship that you don't want to? Yeah. And there might be causing hurt
and whatever else. Because again, like, like you mentioned before as well, if we're only focusing on the negatives of our partners and not reflecting enough on ourselves like that, it can be very damaging as well. Absolutely. And if you're finding these patterns or repeating, one good way and maybe semi neutral way to go about the conversation is to explore why your partner reacts that way or even more importantly, why you react that
way. So having a curiosity about what it is that's in the past for yourself and for your partner that has meant that these patterns come in can be a gentle way to start that conversation or to start that exploration. Because we don't just randomly pop up like this the way we are, where the way that we are because of our experiences and our personality and our insecurities and all the things that play into that. And there's reasons for those
things. So when you can explore that together, you get closer and you, you understand yourself better, you understand your partner better. You have a whole bunch more grace for how they might be navigating things. And it just is, it's a good activity for you guys to be connecting. So these are all the things. These are all the reasons why these communication loops are dangerous. Everyone has communication loops.
Just to clarify, like if you've been listening to this and you're like, oh, I've got these, does it, That's everyone has it, but we don't have to be stuck in these. And I think this is so important. We do not have to be stuck in these. And as we said with business and workplaces and all these things, we assess and we change and we pivot and we put processes in place and we bring in who we need to bring in to make those changes. And it's the same thing here.
You assess, you pivot, you, you'd be like, OK, this hasn't worked for us, let's change it and project yourselves 5-10 years on the track. Where do we want to be? Do we want to be like this but worse? Nope. Cool. Well then we need to actually change. It's not going to change itself. We need to actually put things in place to change it. I'm so encouraged by the story that I heard last week because it's a perfect example of this
happening. You see, change happened on small scales all the time and hopefully within your own relationship you've seen that as well. But I heard the story last week about someone that she'd been in, she's been really struggling in her marriage and to the point where she was at the at the point, like talking to her friends about like, I don't know if I should stay with him. Like it's so rough. Like he, he's very busy with work, difficult in law relationships and he does not
help around the house. She's carrying all the weight of the house. She's also carrying all the weight of this difficult relationship with his parents. And he's not like, you know, intervening there, helping, supporting there. She's far away from her support network. She doesn't even like what they're doing for work where they are like all these things, like pretty dire, horrible things. And, and fair enough to be at the point where she's like, I
don't know if I don't know. And she's even communicated with him before. You know about these things like this isn't long term. We can't sustain this. This is not good. I can't stay doing all of these things. I can't be alone in this and all this stuff like really dire position. And so she was she was really at the point where like, I don't know, I feel empty, don't know what the future is going to be. I don't know if I should just leave. Like I don't know what should happen.
And she went and visited her mom and stayed with her mom for a little while. And while she was there, she said to her, look, I'm really thinking about leaving. Like, I don't know what to do. And her mom just like stopped and was like calm. And she's like, you know what? I think you need to spend some time appreciating what your husband has given you and appreciating who he is. And so. And when I heard this story, I was like, that's a bit of a slap of the face.
Like he hasn't done much to deserve that necessarily, but I but I was really encouraged because she said that that whole like the whole month after that, her relationships just turned around. She spent time being like, okay, actually he's given a lot to our family. He's given me these kids, he's given me a life I never could have dreamt of. You know, he provide, he works very hard. He has to navigate these difficult dynamics with his family and me.
And instead of focusing on all the things he wasn't doing, she spent time focusing on the things he had given her and he was doing. And also things that he was like the things about him that she loved and the things that she couldn't even see anymore because she was so stuck in this place of desperation, Which is fair enough. And what was crazy was when she started to focus on those things, her mood lifted and something has shifted.
And now her husband has just, like, come back alive as well. He's engaged with the family. They're like, in such a good place. And I don't tell this story because I think if you change your attitude, your partner's suddenly going to become a good person. And I also don't say this because if you're struggling with all those things I just listed, it just means you should change your attitude. That's magically going to get better. That doesn't happen that way all
the time. But I was encouraged by this because when we navigate these communication loops, there are so many layers to them. It's easy for me as someone hearing that story to think that husband is horrible, that situation is horrible, and she really should leave because I'm hearing it from from one, for one, from one perspective. And also because I'm seeing it like 2D. I'm not living it. But to see how much changing her attitude shifted it for her alone was super encouraging.
Because regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how her relationship landed, it's still incredible for her to be able to have process those things. And gratitude is a huge tool. It's a huge tool. Taking space, taking a pause is a huge tool in in constructive
approach to everything. I think that's big too, because like hearing that I'm like, oh, straight away my mind is like, I mean, there's going to be some listeners like for that story to be like, so you're saying that she needs to be grateful, like, and, and I think just to clarify, what you're saying is that if we only focus on the negatives, we're going to focus on the negative. So not to roll over and accept the bad treatments that you get. That's not what you're talking
about. What you're talking about is like, all right, if you actually want to make this work, if you haven't been able to identify the goodness from that person and focus on that for a bit, like explore that. Like, you know, how am I just like, now looking at you, for example, we made this more relatable. Am I looking at you and just identifying all the things I struggle with? If that was the case, I would get so toxic so fast and I would struggle with you so much.
Yeah. But you're saying is if you focus on the good as well, like have a good focus there, it does really, really shift our approach to the circumstance, to the relationship. And it helps you actually assess that properly rather than I'm only focusing on the negative. It's going to be a negative relationship. If you can see the positive in it and it outweighs the negative and it's so healthy, that's great.
Yeah, exactly. And I don't know this person well enough to know the intricacies of how accurate her story side is versus his story side or any of those things. And I'm not even going to try and pretend like I could make that up. But exactly what you've said, you shifting your your approach to things, being stuck in that place where you cannot find a different perspective or you can't find gratitude or you can't find space, even mentally
means you're stuck in a loop. You're stuck in some kind of loop, either a deeply hurt loop because of literal things that have happened to you, or this built up loop that we talked about earlier where everything is snowballing and actually not everything is as bad as it seems, but there's like a big communication gap from something that you've worked on. There was a few things I loved about it. One was she changed it for herself.
She didn't change it for him and then he's stepped up to the plate. So obviously something is healing in how they're communicating now, which is beautiful. She changed it for herself, which she deserves to change it for herself regardless of the outcome. Because who wants to go through this horrible situation, not have it be a positive outcome in the end, and then also have all this built up resentment, this this clogged up mental space going on.
Like, you being able to work on those things is so beneficial for yourself and for your kids and for the people around you, regardless of if the outcomes what you want it to be. The other thing I loved was that her mom, like, encouraged her to take a pause and reflect. And it would be so easy as a mom, like hearing the story. I would be like, yeah, leave him. How dare him Like you?
Just have so much better. Yeah, exactly which which obviously we're going to feel that about the people that we love. But I love that she was like, you take this time and pause and reflect. I think that's so healthy and constructive. Again, regardless of the of the outcome. But the real reason I want to share this story is this is an example of how relationships can turn around.
Like you can see this is an extreme example and a very quick example, but you can see massive change in relationships by just putting little places and things in place. And you do not have to be stuck in the same loops going on going forward. So we're going to talk a little bit about some tips on how we might navigate switching some of these communication loops. Absolutely. So first one and Amy's going to explain them. I'm going to read the titles because I have a special role.
Pause and reflects before reacting. Yeah. So this is a really straightforward 1, and we've spoken about this before. I think taking, taking some time before you react, pausing and and reflecting before you react, especially if you feel like the argument's brewing, If it's a communication loop and you know you can feel it brewing, you're like, no, here we go, here's a
loop. Taking a second to pause and reflect before diving right in to that loop and asking yourself, what's my pattern here? That's really important too. I can feel this pattern coming back. What's my pattern in this pattern? And just reflecting before you respond. An example is, do I always get defensive or do I always shut down?
Yeah, just taking that time to reflect before you just jump right into the pattern again, because breaking a loop is done very simply by pausing, not letting it just keep going like this, pausing and reflecting before you keep going. Yeah, I think the last episode we spoke about like taking that 5 second breath before reacting. So it's like, right? Yeah, we were talking about knowing what your partner wants. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So taking a 5 second pause before oh, that's right, in in fix it mode, fix it mode, yes, rather than. So for me, rather than going strange to fix it mode when you're trying to share something with me, I take that 5 second pause to think through it like all right, what is needed for me in this situation? And the response is usually asking the question how do you to respond in this situation? And the second tip is change the script.
Yeah, so similarly to the first one, but if you always respond in the same way, then change it up. If we, I think the definition of insanity is trying doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And it's the same thing here. If you keep finding the same loop happening over and over, change it. Like change up how you react and so change how you respond.
An example is saying instead of saying you never listen, try saying I really need to feel heard right now and I love that shift. I feel like that's such a small shift for the same story, like it's the same point you're making, but in a gentle way that is like a bit more enabling. #3 is Bonnie just moved these stop points for me? She just wants attention. Try the thankfulness reset. Yeah. So like we spoke about in that story earlier, trying to appreciate your partner.
So write down three things you appreciate about your partner every day for a week. I've done this challenge before. As I said, it wasn't with flair, but it was really helpful. It was because if you can't find gratitude, and gratitude is helpful for the other person in terms of you've got a more gentle approach and you're appreciating them, yes, I feel like it can be misunderstood to be all about the other person. It's actually really important for your body.
Resentment or a lack of gratitude in your body causes physical changes and causes physical damage. So it's really important for you and for your own mental health
to be finding gratitude. If you're not finding yourself not being able to interact with your partner in a way that is grateful for anything, who you are, who they are, where you're at, whatever that is, trying a thankfulness reset and genuinely every day trying to note down things you're thankful for can be really important for switching that up and noticing the good actually changes how you interact with them. And like we said, these communication loops and
relationships are layered. So yes, they may be doing some really not helpful things in a relationship, but there's so many layers to how you're interacting. And if you're noticing of the good changes how you interact with them, you have no idea what the on flow could be from that. Next one is and I love this one. We say this a lot, but ask a curiosity question instead of assuming. Straightforward instead. Have an attitude of curiosity.
You know, and everything. And we, we said this, we repeat this quite a lot. So if I'm struggling with something like, you know, you ask me a question of like, well, what Like what are you thinking? What are you going like? It's a lot more than accusing as well. So it's, it's this is assuming, which I think is good too, because I think a lot of the time, right, like I, I'll like, if you're, I feel like you're low or something, I'll be like, Oh, I, she's low. I can't talk about it.
She doesn't want to talk about it. She just wants me to be quiet. Like, you know, if I leave in that space and then you're probably thinking, why isn't he asking me any questions? Why isn't he caring in this way? Why isn't he curious in this way? Why is he engaging? So yeah, having an attitude of curiosity. So for example, I had a conversation with someone recently where their partner is disconnecting quite a lot at home and it's like, all right, cool. Well, like, and again, it's
assumptions. They don't care. They don't want this, they don't want that. But I'm like, I can guarantee there's something a lot more going on for them then they just not like just don't want to be there. Like that's not that's not from my perspective what it would be. But we don't know until we. Ask. Yeah, exactly.
And like we spoke about earlier, the curiosity behind why you interact these ways, This is the example that we've got here is can you help me understand why this is important to you? Understanding what motivates or what brings your partner and or you most importantly actually to that place is is really important and can be a really nice easy way of kind of easing into that conversation rather than like you always do this or something like that. Yeah, so.
In a different sense too, like I've, I've actually started doing this with my boss, right? So he'll give me a task or something. I, I don't really get it. And a lot of times like I'd be like, I would go away. Am I cool? I'll say, alright, I heard you. And I go and do it. I'm like, I know what to do. Is this what he wants? And I'm spending more time trying to figure out if I'm doing what he wants me to do rather than clarifying that from the beginning.
So I asked the question of like, all right, so just so I get out, what is the purpose of this? Like, why are you wanting this? So he told me what he's wanting, but I need to find out why he's wanting it. And that's really shifted my confidence in what I'm doing, too. There's a lot of guys as well. They share about how, you know, I'm doing what they've said, and it's not enough. It's not enough. And it's like, I think we missed the why. Yeah, like why do they want that
to be done? Why is your partner actually asking that of you? Maybe they're feeling neglected in some way. Maybe it's like the mental load stuff they're feeling and, and there's a lot of things in that place. So asking in, in not a smart way. I don't be like, why? Why do I need to do it? Yeah, but like, no, genuinely like I just so I, I, I hear you correctly, 'cause I wanna do that. Like, why is this important to you? Because I, you know, it should,
might be obvious. It probably should be obvious, but for me it's not. And I think that's probably another big thing too. And I'm gonna finish this ramp very, very quickly. But for a lot of guys, if they feel like you, you know, so sometimes, and again, probably women too, but I can't speak from that perspective. If you came to me, Amy, and you said I want you to do this, and I'd ask you why. And your attitude is you should
know, like you should know this. That's going to throw me straight away because it's going to make me feel dumb, right? And it probably is dumb. I probably should know this, but the fact is that I don't. And what's more important is that, you know, and that's a question. What is more important in this scenario is that you make me feel dumb and you just disgusted in me. Roll your eyes. Or that response or the fact that we actually deal with this situation, this at hand.
You know what I mean? Like that's that's the more important thing. So for you giving me that space to ask that question and to be dumb and to be vulnerable is really important for me to ask that question to truly understand what it is that you're wanting from this rather than for me to just do a task. You know, if if I didn't do dishes and you said to me, can you just do dishes? Well, that's not the dishes aren't the end of it.
You know, I mean, I'll start doing dishes, but then you'll be cranky about something. Not not that you do this, but you might be cranky about something else, right? And like I'm doing all the things you're asking. What do you want from me on this? Like the mental load that would be the answer, yeah. Like it'd. Be mental load it's. Why do I have to tell you every time that you do these things?
Yeah, that's so true. And the question of instead of being like, you should know this, like, what do you want out of the situation? What's the result that you want? Is the result that you want your partner to be like, I should have known those things. I don't know these things and I should know them. Or is the result that you want that you guys get closer? And I think that tiny shift in mentality can be huge. Yeah, and I can, I can be like very real here. I did not know how to treat
women for the longest time. And I still, I'm still learning, obviously, but it honestly, there was something that triggered for me. I was like, you know, I was so. So clueless, I hurt women, I offended women, I was inappropriate with women because just did not get it. I didn't know what I didn't know. Like I didn't know that was wrong. I didn't know that it was, you know, you don't do that. And it really took. And so for me, a big shift was
happening. I was listening to this sermon series on on song of Solomon's in in the Bible and and it was real. It's really about marriage. And this couple is really freaky Nicky stuff in there too. But, you know, and it just shifted and it was so apparent to me how little I knew. And that just was the start of my wanting to know like I'm like, I don't want to be like this guy. I want to be the best husband I can be. I want to be the best partner I can be. I want to be the best dad, all
that sort of stuff. And that was the setting of my trajectory to get better. Like I, you know, again, long way to go still. But for the guys that are listening, like, I think it's one thing is like, all right, just be aware that you don't know. It's OK. If you're aware that you don't know you want to do something about it. There's not OK if you sit in ignorance and not like assess that and, and look at that and look at yourself in that way and
be willing to actually improve. That's what's probably not OK. But just wanted to put that out there. I don't want to be coming in preaching at this like you should do this sort of stuff. There was a time where I was absolutely terrible, like I have shame around this area of my past. And so I just want to put that out there for those that are listening and, and might feel
similar. Yeah. And I think on a, on a like even broader scale, all of us don't know what we're doing until we are doing it.
So I think especially in in marriages or relationships where like the, I feel like girls are just raised as we've spoken about before and really speaking to be a little more emotionally connected and a little bit more emotionally like tied to how family dynamics go. Also generally speaking, raised a little bit more aware of things that need to be done around the house or like, I don't know, there's just something in how girls are raised versus boys. Well. I think it's this change and I
think this culture is changing. But back in the day, I mean, because what we inherit all those things, right? So back in the day, like the men would go to work, that was their job. Women would stay home, that was their job back in the day. And now that's shifting. That takes time for that culture to shift because we see like we follow, we naturally follow what we've seen in our parents,
right? So then that is now shifting and we're the ones that are shifting it for our kids, you know, but but it that shift takes time because again, like, I don't naturally see what you naturally see because I didn't see that. But that's the clarification I'm making is I don't naturally see it because I just was born naturally seeing it.
No, even even people that are. So if you're looking at a relationship, yeah, if you're looking at a relationship and it's out of whack in terms of what someone is capable of, I'm putting Bunny ears with that. That person that's the more capable person wasn't capable in that space initially. They had to learn too. And I feel like especially when you become parents, I saw this a lot in the parent groups. The early parent groups are a part of.
A lot of dads, generally speaking, did not know how to look after their babies the way that the mums did. And you could see the systems and that's what that Blair's whole work is around this. But you could see the systems in place that helps bring mums up to speed on how to raise a kid. And obviously things like breastfeeding, that kind of thing, like gave them a, a very, very swift entry to that point
too, that dads don't have. But anyway, there's these systems in place that brought moms up to speed, but the dads were left behind. And so then there became this massive gap because the dads are like, I don't know how to do that. And you know how to do that. So I'm not going to try, but there's an attitude between the couples that was interesting to me because for one thing, the dad would, I don't know how to do it. I don't want to feel dumb like you've said.
So I'm not going to put myself out there. Then also, a lot of the times the mom would be like expecting them to know what to do and, and when they miss things or when they didn't want to try or when there was some kind of insecurity playing out. The frustration at that, which is just contributes. Is it? It's a massive mess basically is what I'm trying to say.
But the encouragement in that is none of us knew what we were doing until we started to learn what we were doing, even if it was just from childhood and we were kids raised in this space. Yes, we've got the upper hand in terms of being we've been doing it longer, but we still had to learn that. So if you're in a relationship and there's a mismatch in that space and you're and you're the one that's like, I just feel really stupid that I have to learn these things now.
Like it feels like such a general tiny thing and I don't even want to go there because I just feel stupid to have to learn how to look after a house when I'm 30 something years old or something like that. We all had to learn those things. So there's so much grace there. I'm trying to encourage that this is possible. I'm encouraging the people that feel incapable in that space. It's possible for them to learn. Everyone had to learn.
I'm also trying to encourage and challenge the people that already are functioning in that space to have grace and a gentle approach to bringing them into that space when there's willingness to learn. Because that will be the biggest thing, the fastest way to get people more on board and get people more enabled in that space. Rather than having kind of an attitude of you should have known you should be able to do this. Yeah. And the last one is.
Make our repair attempt early. Yeah, and this is really, really practical. So I love this one. Basically, when things start to get tense, when you see that slippery slope heading towards that communication loop, a small repair attempt can stop it from escalating. And a repair attempt is a small thing that you're putting out there to see if you can, like, quickly put a little fix in things like a quick joke, lightening the mood. Be like, all right, we're getting there, let's lighten the
mood. Or physical touch, if your partner responds well to that. Just to clarify, some people would be really not happy for physical touch in that time. Yeah, especially depending on the topic, saying things like, I know we're both frustrated, but I love you and I want to work this out. And we've seen that before as well. Like there's been times where we've been like starting to loop and then it's like, I love you. I want, I want to talk through this and find a way through it.
And sometimes that includes being like, right now is not a good time to do that. Let's come back to it. So those are some of the practical ways that you can break free from some of these communication loops you might be finding yourself in. There are things you can you can implement yourself or there are things you can discuss with your partner and you can both be on board with implementing these things as you go forward as well.
So just to quickly summarise, it was pause and reflect, change the script, try thankful, thankfulness, reset, ask a curiosity question instead of assuming and make a repair attempt early. So that's communication loops. Nice, looped it in. We're going to do a new little segment now. This segment is called the Reality Check Corner. So Reality Check Corner is it's just kind of breaking that. I think it's 4th wall.
I don't know what it is, something in the theatre breaking that 4th wall so that we're interacting with you guys in a practical way that's going to implement in impact your lives and there's going to be a few little segments. We're going to iron out how that goes as we go into the season, but this week we're going to start with some stuff.
First is a prompt that I want us to think about and I'd love you guys to think about it as well because as we say often on this, you can hear these things and be like, oh, that's so good for this person or oh, that's so right. I know this relationships like that or oh, that's an interesting piece of information, but it's separate from ourselves. And we really want to be encouraging this curiosity we've been talking about and reflecting on it for ourselves and encouraging you guys to
reflect on this for yourself. So I've just got a little prompt here that I'd love for you to take some time today, even if it's right now and you want to pause it or you can do it later to just reflect on and almost like do a pulse check on where you're at in your relationship. And the prompt is think about the last three disagreements that you've had. What was the common denominator in all of them?
What is one thing that you personally do to keep those loops going and just sit with that for a moment? So think about the last three disagreements you had with your partner and what was something that is similar between the three, like an attitude, a situation, a tone, whatever it might be. And then what is something that you're implementing into that that keeps that communication
loop spinning? Yeah, and if you if you want to be going along with this exercise with someone again, go over to a Patreon, become a chatter. This is the sort of stuff that we're going to unpack together on those on on Patreon as a community over there because we want to be again, more than just a podcast. We want to go beyond just the your ears.
We want to yeah, grow with you. These are things that Amy and I will discuss on Chatters episode, and we've also put an option out there for live video calls as well As for a group of us to catch up and chat. So again, if that's something you're interested in, go over to Patreon. The next one is a little challenge for you that you can decide on your own to implement into your relationship today to help shift some of these attitudes, and it's called the
six second look challenge. So at some point today, pause for six seconds and just look at your partner. 6 seconds doesn't sound like long, but it feels like long. Fun 234. It's actually taking ages 5-6. I thought you're about to ask what came after three. We we once did a challenge. We started to do it. I think it's like 10 second kiss or something like that. Do you remember that and like to kiss your partner for 10 seconds and it was actually so much longer.
Anyway, this is just look at your partner for six seconds. So you can just pause at any point today when you're interacting with, especially if you've got kids, you can just be these ships in the night and not really interact. Just pause without saying anything, without looking at your phone, without doing anything else, and just look at your partner for six seconds. And while you look at them, look at them like you're really seeing them.
They're not just your spouse or your Co parent, but a person with dreams and struggles, insecurities, with a life outside of you, with thoughts outside of you. Like look at them for who they are for those 6 seconds and then let those 6 seconds remind you why you're with them. So just reflect. Are you doing that to me right now? I feel like you're doing this. I've done it right now. I know exactly what we're talking about in China's now, all right.
So just that that can be at any point tonight, even if it's they're brushing their teeth while you're getting into bed kind of thing, you just be like, look at him, brush his teeth. All right. And the last one is kind of what we're referred to earlier, which is called a future pace in the
coaching world. But it's this projection projecting, sorry, what you want out of life so that you can feel and take, borrow from that vision stuff today, the feelings of it, the motivation from it, the direction from it to implement into your relationship right now. So I'm just going to read something and it's going to be very brief. You can close your eyes if you want to, or you can just really think about this.
I want you to actually physically visualise yourself in that place and think about the smells, the sounds, what you see around you, little details even, like what kind of grass is growing on the ground or what kind of art is on the wall. Whatever might be happening. Get as clear as you possibly can about this picture because the more clarity you have about that that, the more you can borrow from that to influence your
approach today. So I want you to imagine that in six months time your communication has completely transformed in your relationship. Whatever that thing is that you were thinking about today. The loop that you get caught in, that has completely transformed in your relationship and when you talk you both feel seen and understood and respected. How does that change your day to
day relationship? Picture what that changes, make sure what the family looks like, what the vibe in the house is, what your drives together in the car is, what your times together on date night might be, how you talk to each other, the smiles of facial expressions you give each other. Picture what that would look like if those things had shifted for you. And then I want you to ask yourself, what is one small thing you can start doing today to move towards that vision in six months time?
To borrow that those feelings, those things you want. Borrow that from that future into today and what you want to be doing to make that future possible. So that is the end of Reality Check Corner. Love it. I'm like looking forward to it. Yeah, I think there's some like, little tiny movements every day. It's the same with exercise. Like we don't just like, go from nothing to 100 running a marathon. You do little bits every day to build up that muscle.
And even if you are the only person in your relationship doing this, you're not just doing this for someone who's not engaged and not not wanting to be there. You're doing it for yourself as well, so my encouragement is every single person can implement these things in a way that can bring a constructive approach, regardless of the outcomes. That's good. One last quick thing to finish off on. Would you rather? Let's do it.
Would you rather have to start every argument by singing your point in opera style, or have to settle every disagreement with a game of rock, paper, scissors? Was like wanted by settling every decision. Ohhh yeah rock paper. We do rock. Paper scissors in our house a lot for the kids for. The kids when they're arguing is like ohh like on who's first? Like, alright, rock, paper, scissors. And it works so well for them. And they're like, OK, well, they said, yeah, I think, I think
rock, paper, scissors. But then I'm thinking about some of the disagreements are a bit more serious than rock paper scissors. Yeah, I know, but I think it would still be like. It would bring a levity to it. Yeah, I feel like I would. I wouldn't want to have an argument. If I yeah like I'd be. I would avoid. That well, maybe that's good then. No, you're right. And it would also make maybe make it maybe make too much light of the disagreement if you're opera singing.
Yeah, Cool. All right, guys. Well, thanks for being here. Good chat. Yeah. Thanks guys. We'll catch you later.