Honey, we need to chat. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Honey. We need to chat. The podcast all about communication in relationships, and we believe that when communication dies, bad things happen. Oh cheesy, can we be Giggity? Yep, we are just your everyday couple now. They're getting through your everyday struggles and we hope that this podcast will show you that you can do it too. That's what we're about. Yeah, we have some big news,
guys, big news this episode. If you saw my recent Instagram story, which if you aren't following us on Instagram and you are on Instagram, highly recommend hopping over there, especially following what we're about to say. We are going to be going on a season break. Whoa, season one complete. Season 1 complete and it's not because we want to move into a second season necessarily, it's
because we are suddenly moving. So we have a couple months ahead of us that are just going to be massively hectic getting our current house ready to sell and hopefully finding another one. Yeah. And that means that every ounce of energy that we have is gonna be going into painting our walls and cleaning our house and decluttering. Regrouting. Regrouting all of the above, which is really exciting and something that we didn't actually anticipate until like literally a month ago being an
option for. Us even a month so. Maybe not. Even, Yeah, when we had this, as this is our first house and we're so grateful for it, you know, and we've mentioned here before, it's just, it's quite tiny and for a family of 6, it gets quite claustrophobic. And we both work from home, yadda, yadda. And so in our minds, we're like, oh, look, we got to, we're going to be here for another couple of years. Yeah, we're going to keep saving up. We've got to keep, you know, chugging along.
Anyway, we're like, oh, look, we, we're basing all of this off assumption. We don't really know. So we caught up with our broker and yeah, it was really surprising to know actually we can do something now, which is great. You know, just the next step in the, the housing market. But it's really, really exciting for us. But at the same time, it's a lot of work. So we're going to be doing, you
know, this. When we got this house, it was pretty shabby and it still is. We haven't really done much to fix that up. Living in the house with a family of six and a toddler especially doesn't really give you that flexibility to do that sort of stuff. But now we're smashing it down. Now we're getting everything done in one month that we wanted to do in the last three years, but that's OK. Yeah. So it's a huge privilege. We're really excited.
We're very overwhelmed, and we're learning everything as we go. But the we made the hard decision that it probably just wasn't going to be manageable for us to maintain weekly episodes while we're doing this, largely because we don't even know where we're going to be or where we could record. Yeah. And two, I just don't have time in the evenings to get the edits done and listed while we're doing this. So. Yeah. So we're going to be moving back into my mum's period of time.
There'll be a bit of a flip. Flop. Yeah, but but what's what's exciting too though, is it's we've already got plans for season 2. Like we've already got interviews lined up, which is really exciting. So we're going to get all those sorts of things. We're still going to be recording. We're just not going to be editing and releasing for a period of time. So we'll be recording like here at my mum's house, I don't know, in the car somewhere, wherever we can get some quiet space.
Yeah. So we'll still be recording. But yeah, do follow us along on Instagram because you'll be able to follow our journey on that. But also the different things that are coming your way will be available mainly on Instagram because we've got stories and so forth. Like, yeah, we we definitely want to still be present on the community platforms that we've got going. So social media and we'll see what capacity we've got for
that. But if you're going to catch us, that's probably where we'll be. And what we're going to run through today in this chit chat is a second kind of segment to the relationship programme that we started last chit chat. And so we there's a couple things we really want to challenge you guys for over this little break.
One is take this time to run through these two modules that we're going to have on our website as a couple and really start to just implement some of these things in a date night or in in a regular check in, whatever that might look like for you guys. Take this time to set those foundations for intention, what you wanted to work on. And then when we come back, we'll be coming back with more resources in that space. Secondly, take this time to
spread the word about honey. We need to chat because we have huge guests that we're really excited about that we're coming back with and we'll be launching with on the other side of this break. So absolutely watch this space. We've got some. We've got a world renowned podcaster that we're going to be talking to one of our very own here in Australia. He's done really well.
We've got someone that's going to be an author, a world renowned author as well, talking about sex and intimacy with us. We've got people coming to talk about addiction, people coming to talk about toughest challenges they're facing in their relationship. We've got someone talking about intimacy. What that means from a guy's perspective. What that means from a female's
perspective? Yeah, well, we've got some really huge topics, even more than that, that we're ticking away at and getting organised in the background. So don't sleep on this little break. Take it as an opportunity to get yourself prepared for the content that's coming and help us to reach as many people as we can during this break so that when it launches again, we can hit the ground running and other people can have these resources because we believe they're really valuable.
Yeah, and, and as well, look, this is the perfect opportunity for you to head over to Patreon as well, because there's so much content the majority of you haven't even heard yet. So if you're still wanting something to listen to in the season break, head over to Patreon, check out all the stuff over there, join the community over there, join in the conversations over there, and just get yourself prepped for Season 2. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely awesome. Well, that's our little, not little massive, our massive news TBC in terms of how long the break will be. But I'm thinking at least a month and a half, probably getting us through October and into November, which is when hopefully life starts to calm down for us. But. Getting ready for touch. Base with us, then maybe we can launch back on my birthday. Oh no, we'll see. And then we're going to be into Christmas.
Oh my gosh. Anyway, don't even worry about it. It's not your problem. Not your monkey, not your circus. All right, so let's dive into the second segment. So Blair doesn't know what this is going to be. No, this this segment works a lot better for a chat. If you heard our last chitchat, you'll see that we started to record that. But the the balance Wheel of life or balance Wheel of Relationship, sorry, is very
visual and very independent. And so working through it on an episode didn't pan out the way we wanted to do. But check it out. But check it out and yeah, download that resource because it's there, it's free. All you need to do is just pop your details in and you can download it straight away. If you have any issues with that, contact us as well. Definitely check that out because it's a great foundational tool to set you up for these following Bing modules basically.
So we're gonna work off what we did do. We identified at the end of that episode areas we wanted to work on and I think we landed on communication. So we're gonna, for the example of this module, we're gonna work on communication. Nice. It's communication. It's almost appropriate for the. Podcast. I get it. So today's module is on the very well known tool called the GROW tool. Have you heard of it before? No, Yeah. So GROW stands for goals, reality, options and way forward.
And it's a really helpful tool for helping you understand where you are now and where you want to be and then how you can start moving forward. So we've identified that when we did our balance wheel, we were like communication could have some work and it's something we want to strengthen. And so whatever area you have identified on that, use that as your your foundation for this. This is what you're this specific area is what you're addressing.
If you come into holistically, like if you're trying to take into account a bunch of different areas, it can get overwhelming and and maybe lose a bit of its efficiency because you're not able to get super specific. So although we believe all of these areas are really important to relationship, don't worry, you can work on those later, but just start with this one that you've identified as a as a way
forward. And I think you just trust me that that will be more effective for you than trying to take too many on board at the same time. So this goal, this model, sorry, guides us through four key areas. Like I said, your goals, your reality, your options, and your way forward. So we're going to take a little time to explore that. I'm going to start with a quote from Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins says the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.
And I think that's a really impactful truth because if you think about your relationship, especially if your parents, but regardless if your parents are not it, it impacts every area of your life. How quality your relationship is is kind of a foundational piece to the rest of how everything else is going. You might be able to fake it in the other areas that you're happy or that you're doing all
right. But really deep down inside, if your relationships in a bad place, it does feed into feed into the other areas. Yeah. And especially when you have children that that really feeds into there. It adds an extra layer. So it's important to be doing this work. So let's dive into goals. I'm going to ask you this question first, baby. So what motivates you to improve in this area of communication? What motivates me to improve in the area of communication? In our relationship, Why?
Why do you want to improve in communication? Because I see it as my biggest weakness. And I see that the biggest thing that when we wrestle, not physically, when we no, when we have struggles in our relationship, it always comes down to to a communication issue. So it's like either my way of explaining something or my way of understanding something. Either way, it's a communication thing.
So yeah, that's why, because I see it as like a if we get better at communication, we get better in a lot of other areas because we can navigate through those other areas. Yeah. Yeah, I would say exactly the same thing. It's it we have children home on school holidays, hence the lovely Yeah, it it if communication is in a healthy place, if it's functioning like a well oiled machine, you can tackle so many areas. Doesn't mean that they magically disappear.
But being able to communicate through all the other areas I think really gives you a the leg up in terms of navigating them in a constructive way. Because how do you navigate them in a constructive way if you're not communicating? Hence why we decided that this podcast was going to be on communication. Great, So that's the why. So where do you feel you are now with communication and what would be the ideal version of yourself if you were in the
place you want to be? In comparison to when we first started dating Like how am I now in in comparison or? Just where are you right now? Yeah, in comparison, if you want to, but right now in your communication, where are you? In, in comparison to, because I need to think back from where you know, from recognising the need for growth and communication. I definitely believe I've grown
a lot significantly. So back then there was this drive for me to understand women more because I recognise that it didn't. I just did not have any clue. And then that grew from an understanding to be able to then like for to understand, I realised was an ongoing process of working through it and then through communicating through that. And I was very like, just get to the point, you know, like, let's just get to it, let's just wrestle with it. Come on.
We just got to hash it out. And it didn't take long to figure out that that's hurtful. My approach, not intentionally, but in terms of just bluntness and not, I was more concerned like I was more focused on the process, like in terms of getting to the main point and wrestling through the main point rather than the process of getting to that, you know, and understanding that was more, there's a lot more intertwined in the process than just the one topic that you're talking about.
So I think there, I just didn't understand that and I didn't understand, you know, that people process things differently and communicate differently and need things in communication differently. So where I'm at now, I, I still struggle with it for sure. Like I, because my natural way of it is just like, just because I'm such a verbal processor is I just, I say what I think, but not in terms of just trying to put it on you. I'm actually trying to make sense of it. Yeah.
So I still wrestle with that whole thing. But just now the the value of growth or just the value of communication in general is high, extremely high compared to what it was when I before I realised it. Where I want to be is, I think I mentioned this in the previous episode as well. Where I want to be is I want to, I want to have a, an awareness in my communication.
Yes, the things that need to be said, but the way that you need to receive it. So usually when I mean we're having a conversation, I'm just, and not in a selfish way, but just in a processing way, I communicate from my style. Like the way that I communicate that that's just what I do,
right? But I want to communicate in a way that I know you're going to receive it in the way that you need it. So I've got you in mind while I'm communicating because, you know, when we're trying to work something out, we're trying to work it out. And so we're focusing our energy and our attention on the thing we're trying to work through rather than the way the person receives it. I want to have both of those in.
Balance. Yeah, yeah, I, I would say where I am now with communication is I'm better at raising things that I need to raise in the moment rather than holding them for a long time. Because I really used to struggle to like I would sit on it for a long time, like something that was relatively small. And so I am better at that. But I think what I now struggle with is knowing how to do that in a way that's not going to feel critical or not going to like put you on the defensive.
And sort of similar to what you said, like in a way that you're going to hear it the best way, but also in a way that I, I'm removing the your reaction in some way, I'm removing the ownership of that from myself because yes, I need to be doing it in a way that is best for you. How you react and how you take that is your responsibility. And I think this, this is valid for you as well.
Always doing it in a way that's going to be that is caring and with you in mind, like as in with each other in mind as a philtre, but also knowing you're going to react the way you react. And because that's one thing that I've wrestled with in my past is taking on how people feel about things. And I really struggle to set aside how someone's reaction is to something or how, how I perceive someone's reaction maybe. So I just sit there and like, yeah, it's a horrible mix.
And so I've needed to learn how to be like, that's their journey and that's valid, but it's not my thing to like, take it on as if it's my own. And so there's been a few things like we talked about the engagement ring, for example, you know, that should have been raised ages ago. And so that's, that's the, the difficulty there. I needed to let you react how you needed to react.
And I needed in that time, although it was hard and I'm not sure I succeeded, to be able to just like let you be like, that's your reaction. From my perspective, I think you did succeed in. That it was, I mean, internally is is different to externally, but yeah, but I needed to raise it in a way that was as loving as I could.
And again, I'm not sure how successful that was, but it's, that's what I want to work on is, is bravely, boldly saying what I need to say, but in a way that's caring to you, but also just saying it or being able to communicate it in a way that's I'm doing my responsibility and I can also let you do your
responsibility. And so, yeah, in terms of what that would look like, I think, I think having a much more gentle approach, but also a like a consistent approach, like just almost regularly checking in rather than it being this thing. And I still do struggle with this being like, I need, I need to talk about this and talk about this. And then I sit there and I just like it becomes bigger than it needs to be. Alright, so second, third
question. So now we've talked about where we wanna be. We've pictured where we wanna be, what, what we want that to look like. And you can get super detailed on this like go to like how you want to hold yourself when you're talking or like what the vibe should be, what you like you said you can get super detailed what kind of candle you want to like, what kind of like music you want to play. And the more detailed, the clearer you get, the better the impact.
So just to say that for you guys when you're doing this at home. And then what I want to do is rephrase what you've just said about where you'd like to be and talk about it in positive terms as if it's already happened. So, but instead of like, yeah, I'd really like to be able to be more bold.
But also like with you in mind, communication, be like I'm I'm glad for the boldness that I have and the fact that I can say it knowing that I'm listed that I'm caring about you, but I'm saying in a way that is going to benefit us both in terms of not building up. So you take it on almost like a mantra if you want to put a thing to it, like I am doing this and I'm saying in a positive way instead of the negatives because our brains don't know the negatives and
claiming it basically as this is what we're working for. This is what I'm doing now. So what specific positive outcomes? And I know this sounds a bit repetitive, but these are important. What specific positive outcomes do you want to achieve in our relationship? What positive? Specific and positive, Yeah, with the lens of communication, but doesn't have to be only communication related.
The podcast is one of these things that's been helping with this, actually thinking through that is that that intentional time where we grow in communication, You know, and this is the podcast has actually been there for us. And that was sort of that intentional thing of this is a weekly thing that we'll sit again, we'll do and we'll discuss stuff and it's just growing. It's not necessarily speaking about ourselves, but it's just
working on that communication. So that intentionality behind the growth of communication is good. What where I want to be in like a growth point in that too is, you know, we've spoken before. I want to do no technology retreats, you know what I mean? And because I really believe that's going to help with our communication as well, because it's like remove distraction and just be present. There's no agenda. There's no topics like what we're doing on the podcast. There's nothing else.
It's just you and me and where the conversation goes. That's what I would love to do. Like I have that as something that we do. I would love to do that annually. But that's that's my goal. My dream is annual retreat with you. No technology. Yeah. Yeah, I think a, a really specific positive outcome is I would want to just feel that we are both, we both feel just so safe. Like we just both feel very carried, but not in a way that's like we're dependent.
But just like I can trust that if there's something I don't have to second guess that you're wrestling with something, you're going to bring it up and you're going to bring it up in a way that's because you want us to be stronger. And same for me. You can trust that if I'm raising something, it's not because I'm trying to be nitpicky or I'm in a mood or I'm trying to like get my way, it's because I want us to be stronger.
That's the like that's the tone of communication that I really want us to get to. And I think we're we get that way. Then there's times where it's rocky, like it will be for everybody. But that's I think, yeah, just being like instead of there being any kind of internal turmoil about it, just be like, OK, yeah, I trust, I trust him in this and I trust myself in this or you trust me in this. And there's probably a whole bunch more. So you get like list as many as
you like. So now we're moving on to the reality side. So we've spoken about the goals. Now we're going to move on to the reality. What aspects of your current self, so who you currently are or our relationship indicates that this area of communication needs work? What stands out to me is when it's because I still get defensive, like I still offend. I still like, not even just with you, like in general, right?
Like so. Manage a bunch of teams and and people and I can still communicate to them in a way that's blunt and to the point and whatever else. I don't have them in mind. Like I still do that. So for me, like I'm sort of looking at this as in two sort of lenses. I'm looking at my communication in general and then my communication with you. I feel like my communication with you is a lot more
intentional. And I think through it more because it weighs on me so much more than I do with everyone else. But I feel like if I can focus on everyone else too, as a general thing like each individual, it helps me with my growth in my communication with you. Yeah, well, you're just focusing on your communication, not on anyone else. It's how you communicate. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the same. The defensiveness for me like that, I still get defensive and I still get like, yeah,
defensive. It's all under defensive. Like what? But you do this or I do this or I know, but you didn't see me do this. Like, I don't like, I don't like that. And I wish that that wasn't a part of it. And I think that I still wrestle. I still sometimes have that. Like, I don't know how to raise this, or I sit there and dwell without mentioning it for too long. What specifically?
Again, repetitive questions, but what specifically are you dissatisfied with right now and how you approach this part of yourself? Something I want to just mention really quickly before I go there and I'm going to have to ask you to repeat it again because I zoned out because I was thinking of this other thing is my mind. I find it hard to stay one
track. These are very repetitive, but the repetitiveness is so important because it's you don't just want questions that you like you blitz through. The purpose of these questions is to get that self reflection happening, to slow you down and answer the question pretty much over and over and over again to really get down to the nitty gritty of it because that's where you can, you know, if you just ask one question and answer it, that's going to be out of
your mind tomorrow. Yeah. If you ask the same question in a different way multiple times, it's going to be more ingrained and you're going to be like, oh, that's right. You're going to remember more and it's going to help you with things you're doing. So yes, it is repetitive. Stick with it. I know a lot of people will look at this with stuff of like, I can't be bothered, you know, whatever else, but I want to challenge you and encourage you dive into this.
Be intentional, be focused, be curious about yourself so that you can be a better partner to your partner. It also helps to identify what's underlying these things. So you might, your first reaction might be, Oh yeah, I get defensive. And then if I ask the same question, slightly different, it might be like, oh, actually it's
not that I get defensive. It's that I don't trust that you trust me or I don't trust or I'm too scared to become like one of my parents or I'm too, I'm triggered because of a previous like there, there could be so many things sitting under I get defensive. And if we're just answering surface level, like you've said, we're not engaged fully in that reflection internally. Yeah, so very important and good
point. And, and just as well to the guys listening in, there's a stats out there talking about over 50% of guys don't get the help that they need. They might recognise something within themselves. They don't do anything about it. Don't be one of those 50%, you know, I mean, if you recognise something, don't even do it for yourself. I feel like there's something with guys where we don't if we're the motivator for ourselves to be happier or whatever else, it's kind of like
a takes a back seat. But if we have our partner in mind or our kids in mind or whatever are someone else in mind for that driving force. You know, you, if you invest in yourself, you're going to make other people better. You're going to build up other people, you're going to make them happier, you're going to make them more supportive. You're going to be able to, you know, all these different things. So if you're recognising this within yourself, actually do these steps is really.
Important. And you're also helping the next generation. Yeah, start from ahead, basically from where we did, yeah. So the repeat of the question, what specifically are you dissatisfied with right now in how you approach this part of yourself, this communication, so. That I switch on and switch off with, with my focus on it. You know, I mean, it's not and not that it needs to be all
encompassing. It's more that like, you know, even with like, you know, with me reading the Bible and stuff like that, right. Like I'll go through these moments where I'm like really, really keen on it and I'll read it every single day. Then there'll be moments where I'm just like, it's doesn't even enter my mind. That's sort of similar like I with my communication, like I, I'm intentional with it and then I just forget to be intentional with it for periods of time. Yeah.
And even though we're doing this podcast, it's still easy to come in and sit down and be intentional with the podcast, but then walk away and not take. Away, not leave that in. Yeah, I agree. It. There's a phrase, there's not a phrase. There's a framework that I'm going to probably mention a lot, which is conscious competence, and I was explaining this to you
yesterday. When you're learning different things, what you're on a different scale in terms of like where you're at with a certain skill, for example. And driving is a good example of this. Babies don't know how to drive. They are unconsciously incompetent. They're not even aware that they don't know how to drive. Once you become a teenager, you're aware, you're now conscious that you don't know
how to drive. And then you move, you move into the competence, competence, Oh, I can't say competence seaside where you are learning. So you're a learner driver. You're now very aware that you're learning. So it's a very intentional having to be really like, I'm paying attention to everything. And that's called conscious
competence. And then eventually you switch into unconscious in unconscious competence, which is where people that have been driving for years no longer have to be like on top of every tiny little thing that they're doing is just natural. It's default. And I think with this, This is why we do stuff like this.
We're moving ourselves up that and what you've just said is probably a really good example of you, you needing to be really consciously competent in this area or you default back into the consciously incompetent or even maybe subconscious unconscious incompetence. But like the defaulting back, it's like, yeah, you're, you're, you're in that stage where you're having to be really conscious of your competence. It's like not quite default yet. Some areas probably are default.
Actually, that's probably a better place where you're learning. You probably are switching between unconsciously competent. So your default I'm really good at communicating with me. You've had to put a lot of work in. So for the most part you are pretty intentional. And then moments where you switch back into or if I'm not conscious of it, it's not going
to happen. That's actually a really helpful thing to think through because, you know, it's so easy to look at that question and be like, oh man, I'm doing so bad in this area, you know, and you focus on the negative part. But then when you, when you kind of have that lens of, well, actually, I'm improving. I'm, I'm on this journey of getting better. When you understand that you're on a journey and it's not from like bad to good, it's a lot more empowering and he's full to be honest.
Yeah, and nobody just randomly hops into. Yeah, exactly. You don't just. Get there. It's a process, yeah. You work towards it. And you're actually in the most active and probably most difficult, but in a challenging way stage of it because you're having to intentionally learn it. But it's not always gonna be an intentional learning. It's gonna hopefully it will move into default. Yeah, yeah.
So that's really interesting that way that you put that, that you're that it switches on and off for me, I think I my, the specific thing that I'm frustrated about is that I will spend a lot of time being very aware of what motivates people in what they do. Like I just, that's how I think. I'm like, yeah, I reckon they feel this way because of this. And so I'll spend a lot of time identifying that.
But when I am in the moment of being like communicated about something that's that makes me defensive. I lose that that like lens. It's not, it's not like where is he coming from? I have to be again, really consciously competent of that because I like I will default into how am I feeling? How dare that person do this thing rather than I think he's probably feeling unloved through
that. I can see how he'd feel unloved and that I that specifically annoys me, especially because of the time I spent outside of those moments being like, I think that's probably why they're feeling this way. Cool. All right, So have you tried to make changes in this area before? And if yes, what were those attempts like?
Absolutely. You know, this is a hard one because we, we're always, we've always been trying to work on this and the attempts have just been trying to understand other people in general, like through courses or books or, or input from mentors or whatever else. It's just been that continual journey of learning more about others.
Because there's a thing is, you know, even communication in general for me, like I said, I, I process and I communicate from my perspective of things and my understanding of myself and what I, what I'm trying to make sense of the topic or the conversation, whatever else. I very rarely have other people in mind when I'm, when I'm communicating. What it's been like is like, it's been very, very insightful and it's helped me and it's definitely helps to my growth in
my communication. But I think with communication and my leadership, my like, my leadership has grown significantly as well because my communication is absolutely. And so you learn how to communicate with people, but there's still a lot of room to grow, you know? Yeah, yeah, I, I feel like my work that I put towards it is outside of the moments of my emotions. I'm like, yeah, actually I can see where he's coming from.
And I think about it there and I try to like come back to things and try to communicate about why I was defensive or why I reacted the way that I did. But when the emotions come, it kind of goes out the window. Maybe less, maybe actually not, maybe definitely less than when we were first together.
It's slowly that muscles be being built I think as well, especially in the area of like taking like taking a long time to raise things or taking on someone's reaction or what I think their reaction is going to be.
That area I've had to do so much work in because it's just been a really hard thing for me to feel like I'm getting making moves in because it's such a, an ingrained defence mechanism that I've got going on. And so I, especially in the last year, have really tried to put a lot of like effort into trying to even visualise like throwing the basketball back. Like someone throws me their thing and I just throw it back mentally. Like I try to like really get a
handle on that. And that's probably the place that I've had to put a lot of work into. Actually had my cousin mention a really interesting phrase that for some reason has worked so well. And I don't know why these things sometimes work and they don't in other ways because it's exactly the same as everything else I've worked on, like everything else I've tried to say to myself, But he said, it's not my task to do that for you. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like using that in the last few weeks
has actually been so helpful. So thank you, Dan, if you heard that it's. And so I don't know why that phrasing all of a sudden has just been like, that's not my task to do that. And that's helped me feel, helped me hold things with less intensity, which then helps me communicate better. Yeah. So it all like snowballs. Who knows about snowballs in Australia? So it's Denver snows. Great. So who in your life, This is the last question for the reality side.
Who in your life supports your growth in this area? And who could be a helpful resource if they're not yet being that resource? So my mates and my Co workers are helpful resources. And so I'm, you know, we talk about who we, that quote you mentioned earlier, sort of like who we surround ourselves with. And my mates are very open and
transparent about growth. And it's like we're all trying to grow and even my Co workers, you know, the, the organisation I work with, we're all we're trying to bring greater support for dads in that perinatal period. And but in doing that, we're growing ourselves. So the conversations really coming from ourselves, it's like we discuss our stuff and then it's like others are going to be
struggling with that too. That's what we need to be addressing within our programmes and with our organisation, you know, so they're, they're the things that are investing in me already. What can, what can help would be people in the next life stage. And I've spoken to you about
this. I want to be surrounding myself with more people in the next life stage where the kids are, you know, either late primary school, early high school sort of stage, because that's a whole other area that I'm not there yet. And I want to learn that I want to be ready for that as much as possible. So that's, I reckon they're the people that would help. And also people like, you know, we, we've also spoken.
Oh, that's probably going off tangent from communication, but I'm like entrepreneurs, like we want to be around people to help. US resonate, yeah. Like and help us, you know, grow the podcast and grow your coaching courses and stuff like that is something we want to be surrounding ourselves with too, yeah. I never feel as like light and like capable as I do around people that have the same goals or the same kind of like drive. Yeah yeah. So that's slightly off, but
similar. I think it does somehow it does really impact the whole even things like communication and relationship for me same thing like who could help is absolutely someone just a bit ahead. I I think and it's really hard to like. I don't even necessarily have a person that I, I've got a few people that kind of are in that stage, but I don't necessarily have a person like, oh, this person would be really good.
And I, I'd love to find somebody like that because I do think there's so much value from someone who's just a few steps ahead of you and that has had the same heart in terms of like, we want to really grow together. I think sometimes you think about like people a number of steps ahead. And I'm not sure when you're that far ahead. There's absolutely so much wealth of knowledge, so much wealth of knowledge, but it'd be almost like that far removed that I kind of want to step my way up here.
But yeah, my my friends, I've got some really beautiful, constructive, encouraging, helpful friends around me that I can, that are very safe to bring my thing that I'm challenged by to and know that I'm going to be given advice that's or given support and advice and in a way that's going to bring a constructive thing. So absolutely agree with you.
And so this, if this is you and you're like, oh, I don't have anyone, what would be really good is to be like identify who you do have people, whether it's you know, people that you know, or resources like this, like a podcast, books around you, recommendations, community forums, There are there are people you have. So take a take a moment to try and especially if you're struggling with this question as neutrally as possible, be like, who do I have?
And then also if you're like, actually, I really would like more resource in this place, more people feeding in. What might be cool is to sit there and be like, who do I want? And instead of picturing a person, get really clear on this ideal person that could speak into your life, like who do I want in my life in this space?
And just get clear. Like I'd really like, like we've, we've just done someone a few steps ahead of us kids early LA primary school or high school and, and in a relationship where they're focused on this, like identify those things and get kind of a goal person in your mind so that you can be. It's almost like a, a clarity in terms of who you want to be around and surround yourself with.
It won't be an immediate like you don't go shop for a friend, but you can start to be like when you're wading through who you're building community around wherever you might have community be like, these are the people that don't really help me towards what I feel is valuable and important. So I'm probably not going to use them as an authority in the space because I don't feel uplifted or constructed in that.
And instead these people actually do kind of have this real good vibe, constructive vibe in this space. And I, I think I'm going to try and in like put a bit more effort into engaging with them. And another start for you all. So 5747, sorry, percent of, of guys view struggles as a sign of weakness, right? So like depression or anxiety or whatever else is a sign of weakness. And, and this is something that I was so, and then I was definitely in that boat as a younger guy, right?
I was definitely in that, in that place of just not understanding what it meant, but also the, the, I was in that place of prioritising self growth, not practical growth like career growth. But like myself, I, I just didn't see the value in that. And that's a big thing that I've been really chatting to some guys about is, you know, getting help. Is that for me a sign of strength? Because to do that is a level of vulnerability that we're not used to is a lot of guys, right?
And that is scary for a lot of guys to be vulnerable is there's a fear element to it. So we won't do it. And that's why I was saying before about that, you know, 50% of guys don't get the help. And So what they need, because there's a fear element to it, because there's a vulnerability that we're not used to. This is, I want to really challenge you guys. Like if you want to grow, if you want to grow, we need to go to the hard places.
Like we see difficulty is physical difficulty for a lot of people, you know, I mean, it's, but it's, it's so much more than that. And the reward for you going to an emotionally difficult place is so much greater than any physical challenge you'll ever achieve. You know, I mean, like the reward from a physical challenge is great, but the reward from going through an emotional challenge is greater. You will be able to, you'll be so much more emotionally intelligent.
You'll be so much more emotionally stronger and healthy to be able to support those that you love, right? Like we, we're in relationships, guys. We, it's not just this buddy that we hang out with at our home, but this is our, our spouses, our partners, people that we love. It's going to impact our kids. It's going to impact our, our friends, like the growth that we do is, is going to be impacting people way more than just
ourselves. So I just want to put that I want to keep bringing those challenges out there because I know a lot of our audience are males and these are the things that we wrestle with. We do. And these stats are so clear, 50% of, of those two stats that I mentioned before. This is a real challenge for a lot of guys. And then also just to help fit our female audience too, to help you understand guys more as
well. It's like, it's not that we just have this stubbornness of, you know, going to an emotional place. We've never seen it for a lot of us, we've never, ever seen that other male go to an emotional place. So for us to be able to go there too, it's not that we the lack of want, it's the lack of knowledge of how like, how do you do that? How do you share that? How do you process that information? How do you process the as
emotions? I know it kind of sounds a bit weak, maybe possibly from a female's perspective. The guys just don't know how to do that. But the reality is, is we don't. And this is the the culture that is changing. The culture is changing because more and more guys are stepping up to the plate. They're stepping up into that that vulnerable space because they know they see the impact. People are starting to see that more. Yeah, absolutely.
I love that so much. And I think what you, when you're talking about like working on the emotional vulnerability that underpins everything, the strength that you get from something like that makes you stronger physically in the long run. It helps you with those challenges. It makes you better. It makes you be able to better tackle your work goals or your whatever goals. It's actually you're you're doing yourself a disservice by ignoring those things.
And that's why that first quote about like the quality of your life is determined by who the quality of your relationships, 100 percent, 100%. All right, so moving on to options. Now, the O of grow, we're going to list, I want you to list ideas or possibilities that will move you closer to your goal in communication, big and small steps. And think of it from this lens, If fear was playing no role, like there was No Fear. In your decisions, what could you improve exactly?
Yeah, it's a green lighting, so everything. 'S green lighting everything. 'S possible, right? So going to the moon is possible next. And that's the thing too, like going to the moon is possible, but that's a huge step. So what's the next steps that could be helping me do this? I think the next steps is naming, naming people that I will go out and speak to about. I'm not going to go to them and say, Hey, can you help me? You know, I want to be friends because I want to get better at
this. But just like, you know, who can I want to catch up with, like a coffee with or get our kids to catch up and have a play date with whatever else, I think that's the next thing. And then, you know, and this is the beauty of of relationship. You and I can help each other do this, right? So naming people and then naming their action, the guys need action with like just catching up and just talking is not something that guys naturally do. We need to always be doing
something. So either it could be coffee or I went out for a mate with a mate last night. We had a meal. Just gonna be doing something, yeah, catching up with some other guys soon. And we're going to do like a virtual reality golf thing, which is going to be fun, but we're going to be doing something. We won't just go out and catch up. We're going to be doing it.
So what could that be? So I think stepping it out like that, yeah, I think that's the next steps, Naming who it is and naming what we can do. Yeah, yeah.
Following that up. Yeah, For me, I would be same naming people that I could surround myself with and then putting myself out there to invite them for coffee or whatever green lighting I would be doing like like seeing a psychologist again or a counsellor just to help me with really like nailing down this, like removing the emotional difficulties I've got with it. I would be, I think one thing I want to say, which this is this, I'm literally telling you right
now, this is what I want to do. So it's not relevant to us, but it could be you listening to this and thinking, Oh yeah, I want to work on this, but I don't even know how to tell my partner. I think telling your partner like being if, if pretending we hadn't had this conversation, getting really clear with you and saying, I want to work on this. So I just want you to know that I'm being intentional. I want to be really intentional
with my communication to you. And just naming that like if fear was removed, vulnerability was removed. And that might not be the way that your relationship navigates or the dynamics you have. That kind of vulnerability can be a game changer to how your partner takes on this challenge as well. And it's funny, like, you know, I'll say again, I was saying to my mate last night and we're saying about how for a lot of guys, they don't know how to start. They don't know how to be
vulnerable, right? You don't know how to be to communicate with your partner about the things that you're working on. It can be quite internal. And then some of females, I'm assuming we would struggle with the same thing. And it's a matter of like the first step is just telling your partner, hey, I'm struggling to be able to communicate. That's communicating like that. Is it like that's where you start is like, hey, I'm really struggling like to to communicate with you about my
struggles. I want to get better. Start there. And it's like if they ask more questions, yeah, be honest. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. And that's, that's the vulnerability of in that space is so easy and it's so doable and the impact is great. If that's all you've done, you haven't had anything before that do it. You know that's so worth it. I've had to do this before because sometimes I get really like AI patternize or something. I don't know what the heck goes on in my head.
And I get like, I, I know there's something and I am wrestling with it, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to say it. And so there have been times where I'm like, you've been, you've asked me if I'm OK or whatever is going on and I have had to say I am just trying to figure something out and I don't know how. Yeah. And it almost then like relieves because if you're anything like me, it's like the conversation
has to be perfect. I have to know exactly why and what and how I'm feeling and how to bring it up. But that's not how a relationship works. And, and it's going to put off doing the thing. And so that's what I would, yeah, I would just stumble out and be like just, you know, say it's communication, be like just. So I just wanna let you know that I really wanna talk to you about how I wanna work on something, but I don't know how to talk to you about it.
So I'm just saying it. So then that's you. Can say that to me sometimes you're still processing it but this is yeah, can you put it there a little nugget and we just. Pick it up. Yeah, it's almost like that text message of honey, we need to chat when you're at work. And I don't do something like that. That's or. Just send a podcast episode. Send the podcast. Be passive aggressive. Yeah. Be like, listen to this. Yeah. And the next question is, what would you do if you knew you
couldn't fail? And it's a similar type of question again, the repetitive but different angle. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? I don't see that as a struggle of mine as a as a thing of like I couldn't fail. Yeah, yeah. Because it's. So I'm finding it hard to answer that question because I'm like. You don't. That's not a factor for you. That's not a factor for me. It's such a factor for me the other day.
Oh yeah, yeah. Because the other day, remember there was a question that we had for our broker. Yeah. And I was like, I I'm so nervous to send this question. I just literally need to put your name at the end of the email and I'll even write it and send it. But there's just something about like it being someone else that's asking the question. Yeah, it's. Actually so interesting because there's so many times where you can't send a message.
Yeah, and it makes sense because there's a fear of failure. But in my hand, I no, it's not failure. Like failure is never in the equation for. It's not failure necessarily, it's more like looking silly or looking looking vulnerable or putting myself out there and being rejected. So for you, I'm you ask and you receive and there's people that I was saying this to a friend recently. The people that succeed in life are the people that ask for what they want.
And they, they either get what they want or they don't, but they've asked. And I was like, if you never ask, you literally never get it. And that's a bit of a, a different thing, but it's just sort of the same. Like if you don't put yourself out there, you might be rejected, but you also will never receive. If you don't put yourself out there, you're never going to get where you want. And I think people really value when you do put yourself out there.
And I really struggle to look silly. I really struggle to not know what I'm asking or not have a clarity. So things like selling a house is extremely vulnerable for me because I'm like, I don't know what to do. But you ever since the beginning, like there was things that you wanted to learn. So you just ask someone for help. You just ask them for input. You just ask them to do these things. And I was always like, Oh my gosh, I don't know if I could, like, put myself out there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's valid that that's not that's not really a challenge for you. For me, it would be inviting certain people out for coffee. That would be the big if I knew I couldn't fail and I wasn't going to be rejected, I would just message people. There's multiple people on the top of my head and ask them to go out for coffee with me. Yeah, yeah. Because for me, I'm like, OK, Because, you know, I've mentioned one person that I want to do this with me I've already
told you about. Like they turn around and say no, cool, he's the next person. Yeah. That's yeah. But for me, that's like, Oh my gosh, I click collapse in the heap. I'm so awkward. Every time I see them, there's like a whole story to why they've done it. Yeah. Anyway, so 100% I would just put myself out there with people. I want to spend more time with it. It's. So funny because as well the name that you have, you've met with them a few times. Yeah, I know.
And you still can't get past that. Yeah, because I'm like, do they even like me? Don't ask me why, it's just how it is. I don't know why. It's the health, it's self esteem. If there's so many things, we'll play into it when this is not what this is on. But that's what I would do if I knew I couldn't fail. If I knew I couldn't fail, I would, I would say and, and hold
firm boundaries. This is not just with you, by the way, but I would hold firm boundaries and say what I knew was was valuable for me and my family and for my my piece and for what we needed and what was going to get us the best place in the future without worrying that I was going to disappoint everyone or they're going to like be upset at that or whatever. And I would just be like, no, that's actually not constructive.
There's so many things. There's so many things that I would be much firmer on in terms of like, no, this is the constructive way. This is what I believe is going to get us stronger, but I just don't know how to be. So that's what I would do. All right, So imagine that deep down you already know exactly what to do next. What would that be? Didn't we just say that though? Remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deep down, you know exactly what the next step is. What is it? Message Message.
Yeah, cool. Now that message them, yeah, well, I think the next yeah. But when would you do that? Next step is now where I'm getting because I'm like, oh, time, we're just about to get the house sorted and. OK, that's a good. That's a good challenge. Yeah. Because that's life. Yeah, not everyone's moving, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, so the next step then?
You're asking me? Yeah, well, I'm asking you and I'm thinking about it. Myself yeah to message them and and to organise them play date yeah cool with with their kids as well. Not you, Yeah, same. I think message, I think so as well. I just raised like we've actually got a crazy couple months as we've told you. So then straight away it's like, but if we message now, then whatever. So I think if I deep down you what the next step would be be like, hey, I would love to catch up with you.
We're moving, so probably afterwards, but just letting you know, let's find time at this stage. You do that next step, yes. Good job. All right. So way forward, last step of grow. Looking at the options you've explored, which ones truly move you forward in communication? So this is OK, what I really think is going to truly move us forward if like, it'll be nice to get other people to speak into our relationship and so forth.
But what I really feel is going to move us forward are these no technology retreat weekends. I think that is going to be the big thing for us moving forward. Yeah. But then it's then. But the way I got caught up is like, when would we do that? Yeah. But still that's and. But it's saying it is now putting that as more of a priority in my head. Yeah, but even the retreat, like if there's because other people may have things that are similar, there's not convenient
times for things. So either booking something that's like whatever ahead or being like, OK, I can't do that big thing now what can I do now that's going to be the same. It's going to give a a glimpse or at least move me towards that. We could be, we could be one day that we have where we're just hanging out, no things or 1 evening that we we turn everything off We're not.
Well, we've spoken about that. So it's like no technology on a Sunday or something, you know, like we've spoken about putting those things in place. So I think that would be the next step is putting that in place. Yeah. I think for me, the ones that would truly move me forward would probably be more things like, yeah, I think probably just like removing distractions, same as you removing distractions.
Whatever it is that distracts me or like for me, I get really overwhelmed when I've got too much in my head. And a lot of the time if there's something on my phone like messengers or I'm waiting for a message or I'm listening to something music even like sometimes like the layering, I, my communication skills are like. Yeah. So yeah, putting so.
That's cool too. Like So what you said then is like we're working on our communication overall, but then we're also helping out, you know, the, the times where our communication skills drops. So for you, when there's a simulation of, of stuff around like, you know, sounds or you know, distractions around, your skills are just not there. Another thing that popped into my head was like almost identifying like a safe word that I could say to you when pineapples. Yeah.
Why is always pineapples? I don't know. It's always pineapples anyway, a safe word that I could say to you that that was that. I like that let you know that I'm I have something I want to talk to you about. I'm not sure how to do it And and I need to do it. So it gets you in the right space so that you're like, all right, this is a a heavier thing that she needs to talk to me about and she's wrestling. It's not like out of the blue.
I'm like, what about this thing that we've done or this thing that you did to me? And but it also like kind of burst that bubble of of the tension of when do I bring it up? Yeah, yeah. That's another idea. So thinking outside of the box as well, depending on what your area is. OK, what preparations do you need to make to take those steps? This is good for the no tech thing. What preps preparations do we
need to do for that? Well for me it's saying it like it's because if we say no tech on Sundays, it's just now. Or maybe it's a matter of we get a box for our phones. Yeah, there's some pretty cool, yeah, things that you can do. Yeah, a box, like any box would work as well, but. I've I've heard of something where it's a charging box and locks on it. Yeah, and it's a game as well. Is that the thing I was showing? Oh, maybe that's it's a game.
So then like when one person puts their phone in it, it starts taking up time and it notifies the other person that this person's doing their whatever you call it. And then it's like a whoever wins the most time in the box. Yeah, it's very expensive. But they also have an app actually. So there's apps that you could do that would have similar kind of things. But yeah, I think something like that would be really good for me, getting really clear on what it's not.
Just don't be on your phone. It's like my phone's sitting on its charger or my phone goes in the box. Or literally from 12:00 AM on Saturday or Sunday morning till this time on Sunday. No tech. And then I know then I can relax and be like, outside of that, it's fine. We're not. It's fine. But, you know, like once it takes over this time, then I'm good. And it's something about that in my brain makes it more doable than just like, let's not do tech on Sunday.
Yeah, I think that's really good. Identify someone you trust. When will you share your intentions and commitment to your planned actions with them? And I think we've just identified for us that we want more people speaking into this space. So if that's the case, that's a a different challenge, but who's someone that you trust and and inputs you trust and is safe right now that you could say to them, hey, I'm working on this. I just want to let someone know I'm working on this.
He's a safe person, one of my mates, yeah. Yeah, same. Yeah, Yep. And a good one would be if, like we said, you haven't said this to your partner, they would be a good person. Yeah, Oh. No, I think that should. I was going to say. Like you, but you're right. Yeah. Yeah, they would be the first person within a safe space. Obviously everyone's relationship is different that I would be like encouraging people to have this conversation. Focus on you.
When you're having that conversation is if they see you putting in the effort, they're not going to not be able to put in the effort themselves. Like it's going to be setting the tone for your relationship. Exactly. All right. What obstacles stand in your way and what strategies can you overcome these with? Obstacles would just be, I think discipline would be 1 and and I don't have a box like getting one.
I mean, yeah, to get one. And with discipline, I think it's just a matter of I think getting the the the tools will help with their discipline because it's that process. It's like this is where it goes. It's not. Just don't use it. Like you said, this is where it goes. Yeah, I think for me, the tone that I address it with like if it's like, oh, we really shouldn't use our phones, that totally dislike disengages me. If it's like, oh, Sundays are are no no phone days or no tech
days. And then making it so it's not just it's not just a choice. Actually, we get to do this instead. And so Sundays, no tech days, but it also means no obligation or like, you know, like, or we play this game or we do this kind of a lunch or whatever it is that would work for us, making it not a chore, making it
an exciting thing. I think as well that timeline for me being like from here to here and there in this box, from this to this and this in that box or during the day, your phones here or whatever it might be. Getting really clear on that. I think boredom would be the biggest obstacle for me. Boredom being like, that's not very fun. And then being like, actually, this is what we're going to do to make it fun, make it special, make it doable. Last one really important.
How are you going to celebrate this success? Celebrating your success along the way, not success like, oh, we've achieved perfect communication success like your little wins. How are you going to celebrate that? And that could be actually following what I've just said instead of being like, oh, Sunday's going to be our notary. Day. Oh thinking the exact same thing is like cool you it's pizza day or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Find a way that you're going to
celebrate your success. Yeah. I think something like that works really well for us. For me at least, straight away I want pizza so that works. Pizza's not open on Sundays. Damn it. Yeah. So you get really specific. How are you going to celebrate? This is a fun process. This is a good challenge. Celebrate together as a couple and and be approaching it with a positive like, yes, we're doing this and every like we talked about that conscious competence
to sub unconscious competence. We're celebrating that process, the little bits that get us closer there. And I'm going to finish with one little quote from Audrey Hepburn. The best thing to hold on to in life is each other holding on to this relationship and putting intentionality, the pride and the foundation and the enjoyment that you will get from actually intentionally addressing your relationship is invaluable. There's actually no value to put on it. It can't be bought, it can't be
fabricated. It is from hard work. But for the best, return. Well, thank you for sitting through this grow session. Grow with relationships in relationships. Like we said, we are going to be going for a little while, so this is the last time you'll hear from us for a while, but watch our socials. Please do follow along. And. Chat with us, chat with us. We want to keep going. Yeah, thank you for those that entered our giveaway last week
as well. We really appreciate it and we want to keep hearing from you guys as well. Please reach out, please share the podcast, be really excited for the awesome guests and interviews we're going to have when we come back. TBC Yeah, Season 2 good chat guys guys.