23. Weaponised Incompetence – Is It Ruining Your Relationship? | REDDIT STORIES

Losing keys and remotes was very easy to do and you are the remote person I'm the. Key person I I don't lose. Don't you even dead. Do you know what do you know? What our daughter and I did this morning, what did you do? What? We spent about 15 to 20 minutes trying to find the remote that you had the night before. It's on the table, but it doesn't matter where it's. On the table because every single night I put it on the table for the dog. Thank you very much. Hello. Welcome back.

To honey, we need a chat yes, we are a podcast all about communication in relationships and we believe that when communication dies, bad things happen so we like to chat and. We chat about it. We do, and you might notice something different this week. The old swapsarunis. We haven't. It's actually throwing me big time. Really. Why? Yeah, because I have to turn my head this way. It's like almost like muscle memory and this microphone's not sitting where I'm using.

It this seat is more comfortable, is it I? Actually like this one better. Maybe we'll do it permanently. Oh really? Yeah, let's do that. The reason being I have a a small bleed on my eye and it's a bit creepy looking. So we thought instead of having that face the camera all the time will have me face this way, and then you'll never know. Do it look, look over it. No, no, I meant so I'll see if I can see it in the camera, but look at the camera. You might see it a little bit.

Maybe and the pictures all. It's blurry for us. It won't be blurry when I I'll just try and talk to you mostly this episode. It's not bad. It does happen to me a little bit. You're more self conscious about it than anyone else. Well, yeah, in terms. Of I'm not self conscious looking at you. The lady at the store looked a little bit freaked out by it today, maybe I was just really aware of it. Anyway, welcome back to Honey,

we need to chat. We have a good Reddit story episode today with input from you guys, which is always the best, best way. So really keen to discuss a topic that is similar to mental load and is very trending, I guess within the women's area, especially mums. This is a topic that comes up a lot when they're discussing their partners. And I think it's something that's really, really important to be aware of from both sides because it can play a huge part that you might not even know

about. Yeah. So this came up because we had done our survey. Thank you for those that did complete our survey. We've been given a lot of feedback and topics that people are pretty keen to hear about. This is one of them. So I thought it was a great idea and I'm really surprised I hadn't even thought of it. So good job to that person that submitted it for us. Really important conversation.

Before we dive into the discussion, though, we're gonna start with our tea chat Tea. Chat and talking about tea chat. We got a lovely, got a lovely message in from one of our chatters over on Patreon. They gave us a gift card. I listened to last week's episode talking about how with tea time, we want some special mugs. Yeah, to go with that. And so they gave us a gift card to get special mugs. We cried out and the listeners listened, and the chatters, the chatters, the.

Chatters are amazing. Thank you guys. So. Much that is just such an incredible gift. So it was really nice. It was actually really nice. And I know I was like, oh, it's just a mug. But actually to me, I'm like, it was so nice. Like to receive that from someone like that's listening to the episode. Why not think it just shows support that we're getting from our chatters, But two, that we're, you know, we're not just talking nonsense and it's not actually helping anyone.

I think that was quite refreshing because we we do get feedback, but to that level, we haven't had that level of feedback before. So again, it's just made it really exciting and it's an absolute honour to do this as it really is. And, and we want to thank everyone that's inputted into us to be our share those sorts of things with with everyone else. So yeah, as we really, really special. So you went to the shops today and you picked out my mug. I did.

And I'm going to go to the shops tomorrow and pick out your mug. And then in next week's episode, we're going to reveal mugs. We're gonna do a hand over Swapsy Rooney. Yes, and make sure that you watch that one or listen to that one, but mainly watch. Mainly watch. See it as well. Yeah, that's a really fun little waffle, fun little gift, fun little kind of activity to do and breaking that 4th wall a little bit of the podcast. So thank you so much to that chatter.

You know who you are. You know who you are. And we're really grateful. And we expect everybody else's gift cards for mugs in the following weeks. Yes, please. Thank you. I'm just kidding. All right? T Chat. Yeah, let's chat. For T chat, we're gonna go to the chat job. If we wrote a book about our relationship, what would the title be? Honey, we need a chat. You need. To drink tea while you do this. I do, I was drinking chat but I'm trying to handle things.

You gotta figure it out. That's what it. Is drink handled? That one's nailed that. That was very easy. What tradition do you want to start in our family? Have we done this one before? I. Think we've asked that question? Before. All right, maybe none. Come on chat jar. Come on, chat jar. Don't do we like that. All right? What's a bad meal I've cooked and you ate it because you love me? Is that what I certainly there are bad sauce mixtures that not bad.

There are intense sauce mixtures that you've done previously, so I don't remember specifically. I remember things like soy sauce with like Worcestershire sauce and something else but aren't. They let's go together. Yeah, but no sweetness to balance it out or, or like yeah, BBQ sauce or it'll be on something that that then it's with another flavour that doesn't match. But in the recent cooking expeditions that you've done, yeah, really. Really. Yeah.

I'm so proud of myself. I've I've been having fun. So no complaints. That's the last thing I did. Oh no, last night's dinner for you there. You go, guys get Blair to cook for rap. What about me? Oh. Man, there's something specific that you made recently and I ate it and look, it wasn't great. I don't remember. Because. I just remember the experience of eating it. I don't remember it was semi

recently. I think it might have been more like it was like super dry or something rather than it was just like. I don't remember. Oh. No, I actually think it was because you cooked a bunch of rice recently and I had like 11 meals straight of rice and I I think that was especially. Because I couldn't eat the rice. Yeah, yeah. And because I'm, I'm the the family garbage man, the self waste man. No, I won't waste the food.

We had so much. Yeah, I don't know, but we had so much rice food like leftovers that would have just gone in the bin. And I'm like, I refuse to do this. Take a sip, move on, get off that bin high horse of yours. No, it was very generous of you to take one for the team, but. Last one, if our love story was a genre genre genre, what would it be? Comedy, drama, thriller or. Fantasy. What kind of person would say thriller or anything other than ROM com or romantic? Fantasy, I would say.

I was 100%. Wrong that. Answer itself is. Alright, well, no. More No, we're not. Alright, cool, we gotta catch up as well. We gotta say how we're going, 'cause that's what. How you going at 10? I am now, I feel like an 8. A bit stressful getting ready. Yeah, as it always is at dinner. Well, we got ready earlier too. Yeah. So what we usually try to do was we put the kids down, we have a little break chill before we

start recording. But this time we're like, let's let's just hit it. Let's just get straight into it. I had a quick shower 'cause that woke me up last time and I think it's working. Good day. Yeah. So yeah, that's good.

How are you out of 10? I am I I think I'm an 8 as well, but I think I'm an up and down 8IN but not like number wise, but more like, you know, other things affecting that eight like I'm still good, but I'll get like work's been really intense, as you know, and you've been helping me a lot with that, which is great, but it's it's all over the place. So it's like a mixture messy 8. Cool. Well, now that we've warmed ourselves up and had our tea, I'm just gonna have one more sip.

I also, we also drink it throughout the rest of the episode. Every time I'm editing, I'm like the whole thing is TJ. Yeah, no, But yeah, This is why you're forcing me to drink more. So it's more of a teacher. I'm wearing peppermint tea today. Yeah, I saw that. How is it? That's all right. Great. All right, well, let's dive into weaponized incompetence.

We need to chat. The definition that I found from Psychology Today says that weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, is when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, therefore leading others to take on more work. This generally occurs in two domains, in the household between partners and at work, between colleagues.

So essentially someone who, whether they're aware of it or not, takes the stance of not being able to do the thing so that they don't have to do the thing. And it can come up in so many obviously different extreme and in so many different situations. I'm going to say this because

it's going to be obvious from the stories. It mostly is the male side of the story. I found it really hard to find any examples of females using weaponizing competence in a romantic relationship. I'm sure if it was work or something there would be more of that. And that's disappointing. I think it falls probably in the similar category as mental load. Maybe just something that goes UN acknowledged or on. Yeah, unsaid and potentially that's why it falls more into

this category. We can dive into that as we go, but I'm just going to say up front, it was hard to find stories of females doing this. I think there's really a variety of reasons for that which we can dive into. But at the same time, it still isn't just unique for that to be the case. Like you did find stories but it was hard to find. Very hard to find, yeah. Yeah. So in terms of don't just switch off. Oh yeah.

Yeah, like if you're a female, also self reflect, you know, is this you in this category as well? Exactly. Otherwise it's very hard. It's very easy for people to be like, oh, well, I'm not a guy, it's not relevant to me. Still check yourself and and still measure yourself against what we're sort of sharing. And actually what's probably even more relevant to you is that but also some of these stories, the question, it's a question as well, is this weaponized incompetence or is it

something else? And there is a dynamic that plays out that you will see come out where there it's like a trigger happy word that is thrown on situations. It's not very fair. And I think that's probably even the bigger catch that a lot of females would find themselves in. You might not be the one that falls into the category of using weaponized incompetence, but you may be the one that falls into category of over using that phrase on your partner. Yeah, and which becomes a weapon

in itself, right? Yeah. Exactly. So it's, it's a very important conversation for both sides. And even if it's just a matter of like, oh, I finally found this terminology to put to this concept. Oh, so now I can communicate. It and we've heard that so much over our stonewalling episode and our mental load episode. People are just like, oh, I finally understand. Like I finally have a word to express what I'm trying to experience.

So this is The thing is this is not now a weapon for you to then take back to your partner. This is just giving you some terminologies and some understanding of my of your possible situation so that you guys can unpack that together and grow together. So that's really, really important to start with because we don't want to be giving people more ammo to just throw on the fire.

We actually want to give you the tools to constructively and cooperatively work on these things, collaboratively work on these things together. And one last thing I want to say too is we've spoken about this as kind of a catch phrase. It's kind of your responsibility till you communicate it. So not putting the blame on you for someone else's potential conscious like choice to be using something like weaponized

and incompetence. But until you're able to communicate what's happening for you, your experience of that and how it's affecting you, you do hold a responsibility in that space. Same as with every other topic we've discussed, there is always this kind of balancing act of you need to be able to communicate that this is something that's hurting you, that you're experiencing. So the whole conversation, super important. Do not switch off Very important.

So firstly, a little extra little tidbit that I did this week before we recorded was actually put out on our social media that we were going to be talking about weaponized incompetence to see if anybody had an experience of it that they wanted to share. Because I thought we could have some rapid fire little comments and we did get a few. And I think I'm going to do that more often when we're when we've got a topic like this coming up. So just watch our socials for

that. For little comments you can make, it doesn't have to be, you know, you're submitting your full on story can just be making a comment and contributing to the conversation before it happens. That will be happening a little bit more. Yeah, and if you listen to this episode, you're like, oh, I wish I wrote something in go to our website at honey, we need to chat.com. Don't worry about the WWW. We've we've established that very, very clearly and I'm

saying it every time. So I was sort of, kind of. Intuitive. For them anyway, go to our website and then submit your stuff. On cool all right so first comment we had I said has anyone experienced weaponized incompetence or felt that like they've done this themselves? First comment was from someone on TikTok and they said my ex husband literally told me he did things bad like chores so I would get mad and have to do it myself and then he'd get out of it.

I was floored, which is so frustrating on so many levels. What a selfish way of going about life. Yeah, it's one thing to do that subconsciously and not maybe allow yourself to be aware of it. So another to actually say I'm doing this so that you do this. Yeah. But I wonder at what point in the relationship did he say that? Did he say that when things like he knew things weren't going to last? Or did he actually say that beforehand? And that just shows the toxicity

of the relationship. But I mean, I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get how adults don't want to be adults. Yeah, people say stupid things. They do stupid things, and that's a stupid thing. It's mind boggling to read this from the outside of that situation be like, how could anyone say that? And I still believe, how could anyone say that?

Yeah, but I also know we say really stupid things when we're in. Really difficult places So I wrote back to this person and said I'm really sorry that happened to you 'cause that's not a fun experience. So the next message actually came in on Instagram and it was said I hadn't asked my husband to fold or do the washing in ages because he would fold it badly or wash colours with blacks ha ha ha. Which when I read this I was like I wash colours. Yeah, like we've seen this so

much. People talk about, you know, your white loads and your colour loads. Wow, we're. Just one load man. I honestly am so confused by we also only use cold wash, so I I think that's Anyway, I did giggles. I was like, how dare they? Yeah, anyway, so I'm going to start again. I hadn't asked my husband to fold or do the washing in ages because he would fold it badly or wash colours with blacks haha. I know he can fold and do washing because he does it for

work. I addressed it with him because I'd seen a TikTok about weaponized incompetent. But there is also the side of me that would like it done in a specific way and I'd never actually said so I think we can be so quick to say it's weaponized when there's also a side that we haven't given clarity. It can be a bit of both. There's a lot of assumptions made, which I thought was a really good point. I. Think that's a really good

point. Like, and this is the this is the is the beauty of the self reflection and coming with your part to, you know, it's not just like you're doing this thing. It's like, Oh no, I identify that I might have like listening to that. I'll be like, all right, you're gonna go a little bit. Yeah. And there's a balance. There's a balance and there's a

culture that's created. So there are things we bring in from our family upbringing or whatever traumas, whatever it is, we bring it into our relationship. And then there's a culture that you create consciously or subconsciously, and you do have to both be aware so that you both can put things in place to make a difference.

And the conversation, if this person hadn't had this conversation, they could have just kept on going, being like, my partner is just doing this on purpose, like they're never learning to do laundry. But really they had the conversation and realised oh I I have expectations over how laundry is done and I haven't explained that clearly so that's why it keeps happening. So I loved that point and the third comment which made me laugh so hard was just some

person. I don't even think they follow us. Found my real and was like next is weaponized incontinence and I responded and said I can think of a few ways. So that's got nothing to do with it really, but just made me laugh. All right, so that's from our socials, our listeners slash followers input, which is awesome. Now we're going to dive into Reddit stories. First one, my 31 male girlfriend, 30 female keeps accusing me of weaponized incompetence when I mess up a

task. I'm genuinely just dumb. Help. Like very good self awareness. I'm facing a situation in my relationship that I could really use some advice on. My girlfriend has been accusing me of what she calls weaponized incompetence when it comes to tasks she's asked me to do around the house. For those who might not know what weaponized incompetence is, it's when someone pretends to be bad at tasks to avoid doing them. However, I'm not pretending.

I genuinely struggle with these tasks and often make mistakes, but my girlfriend thinks I have ulterior motives. I really am not doing this on purpose.

Sometimes I just don't get things right. I want to improve and have offered to fix my mistakes and work on getting better at these tasks, but she seems convinced that I'm just trying to get out of doing them. How can I communicate to her that my mistakes are genuine and not intentional? I really want to resolve this and show her that I'm committed to doing my part. Here are three examples. Cooking. For example. She asked me to help with more

cooking. I've tried following recipes but I often end up either over cooking or under cooking things, sometimes even mixing up ingredients. It's not for lack of trying but I seem to mess up more often than not. Another instance is when doing laundry I've accidentally mixed colours with white a few times which resulted in some clothes getting stained. I genuinely didn't realise it would cause a problem and now I'm extra careful, but the mistakes have made her sceptical

of my efforts. I also tend to misplace things around the house, like not remembering where I put my remote or her keys. Don't look at. Me, even though I was the last one to use them. It's never intentional, but it adds to her frustration and feeds into her belief that I'm avoiding responsibility. Thanks for any advice you can give. Edit I do many other chores around the house. We have an even workload. I might even do more than her.

I don't know why everyone is so keen for me to be a lazy useless man, but there's that's not the case. Going to stop replying comments from my own sanity. Good thought. Yeah, yeah, but also you put it on Reddit in the first place. Yeah, first of all, let's give the guy a break, alright? Losing keys and remotes was very easy to do. And you are the remote person. I'm the. Key person. I don't lose, don't you even. Death. Do you know what? Do you know what our daughter

and I did this morning? What did you do when you were out? No, not today. Yesterday when you were out. And about what? We spent about 15 to 20 minutes trying to find the remote that you had the night before. It's on the table, but it doesn't matter where it was. Supposed to be on the table 'cause every single night I put it on the table for the dog. Thank you very much. I do not lose the remote. I often as the one finding the remote that someone else has

lost. Well, I don't use the remote so you so the other thing is too is no I got other one. Look, I totally understand, and we've had this conversation specifically about losing things because of the keys and your sunglasses and your hats. I understand losing them a few times. I've done that. When you have a repetitive behaviour and you don't decide I'm only ever going to put this thing in one place so I never lose it, That's what I don't understand.

But what do I do now? You put things in one place. Exactly. And I was going to say that too. It's like, OK, I don't actually think there's an excuse here. I think that from his perspective, OK, cool. You know, like I've gone through many times where, you know, lose my heart, lose my keys, lose my sonnies, whatever. Or else right it's so I I get it. I've had to work on this. The answer has been simple, just just do what needs to be done. You know what I mean, but.

It's not even just that. So if you use the washing, for example, then organise your washing before it goes in, right. So I have two different spots that you put your whites there, you put your colours there, like put things in place to actually help you do that. When you're continually making that same mistake over and over again, well, that's when you lose the excuse the first couple of times, like even with cooking, right? You know, like again, with me, I'm the perfect example.

I was, you know, mixing these things point, I was having fun, I was just experimenting. But at the same time, if I actually want to make good food, I need to put things in place to be able to do that, right? So there's a extra level of preparation, There's an extra level of me learning. There's an extra level of me taking responsibility for that. So I don't think there's an excuse there. I think that's at a point now where it's like, all right, cool. You've identified the things

you're struggling with. What are you doing about it? Yeah, like, it's not. It's like, oh, I did the exact same thing again and the exact same result happened. Yeah. What are you doing about it? So he says like the laundry, for example, he's started, he's doing better at it now. And that's exactly what I was

thinking. This story, he's saying I don't really do things on purpose, but she thinks that I'm I've got weaponized incompetence and she's now sceptical of my laundry because of what I've done previously. He's stained clothes. I would be sceptical if you had stained clothes. I'd probably find myself every time you did laundry being like, just remember, you can't put whites in with the bar. Even though I would be, and I do this, there's things that I'm always like, remember this,

remember this. And I there's like a balancing like a tipping point where I guess the point where the more that you have not needed to be reminded of it. I need to ease up on reminding you because I also need to let you now do that. But there's also going to be probably extended from your perspective, time of me reminding you because you have done this one or two or three times, however many times The thing is repeated. And so there needs to be grace on both sides.

It can't be like if you were to turn around and be like, why are you reminding me? I'm trying to think of a single example, but I know there's things I remind you of all the time. If you were to turn around and say, why are you reminding me of this and get annoyed at that, it wouldn't be necessarily fair because I'd be like, well, it

hasn't happened. But if I keep reminding you two years down the track and you've only ever done it a few a handful of times and you've always changed and I remind you in a way that's like undermining you, not just in a casual way, then that's also not fair. And so I think that there's an element of him regaining her trust in that space and proving himself to be able to learn. And there's also an element of her allowing him to letting. Go. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

It's. It's, it's, it's both sides coming to the stepping to the plate. So either taking on more, taking more responsibility, or letting go of control. Yeah. And I think there's things that are easy to let go or easier to let go of. So like, you know, for example, if he's losing stuff all the time, he just needs to find it. That's kind of the thing. Like, if he's going to keep doing that, he's not going to make a system that works for himself. He just needs to find out.

I would be frustrated if that just kept happening. But a lot of the times though, in that's in a relationship, that that thing that it that's happening isn't just going to affect him. Oh, no. And it doesn't. Yeah, it it really is. Very rarely would it be like a black and white cut. So the answer isn't necessarily well, like you've got to suffer the consequences because then it's then she's also suffering

the. Consequences, I think what I mean more is that there's some things that are a lighter hearted, they're not going to affect them so much. And then there's things that really, really well, like staining clothes. That's like, OK, well you've actually ruined my stuff now. Or even the overcooking. Undercooking. That's an easy one to do that I do now and I cook regularly. I still find myself overcooking,

especially things like meat. But if it's a carelessness, there's this element of you haven't put much care. You know, this is something you struggle with and you haven't put much care into giving the best of yourself to me when you're doing this thing for us. And that is actually a hurtful long term. It can be a a hurtful attitude.

This is something that you, I've really had to work on, but we've worked on is that realisation that that comes across that way because, you know, you've brought this up to me a few times. It's about, oh, when you don't do that, it shows that you don't don't care about that. Yeah. But in my head, I'm like, it's like you're saying that I just don't care. That's not true. Like I do care. But there's these elements where it's like, actually, you know,

how am I showing that I care? Like that's, that's a big, that's a big difference is it's, it's not saying that he doesn't care or whatever else. It's it's just really putting that challenge out there. But how are you showing you care? Like, I want to, I want to do these little things to show that I care as well as the big things because they're both important. If I, if I neglect the little things, well, the big things are going to be nice, but they're not going to be as nice, you know?

Yeah. And I think we can go about tasks in a way that just ticks the boxes for ourselves, but it's easy to forget to think about what boxes need to be ticked for the other person in order for them to feel cared and

loved in that space. And if your partner is barely ticking the boxes, which means you then end up having to go, which is this whole topic, you end up having to go and do all the other things to make it fully ticks the box in a way that's exceptional, acceptable or exceptional, then that's not very fair long term. That can be really tough. I think sounds like they're not too. I think they're in that tipping point.

I think they're probably sounds like he's aware of it and she's communicated it and she's probably still just a bit tender about it and he's kind of still learning. So that's not a bad place to be. It's just an uncomfortable place

to be. Such is life, you know? Great, good job. Let's move on. Hey guys, just wanted to pop in and take a SEC to talk about the extra content you can find over on our Patreon and our Spotify subscription. We have a fun little community growing over there with extra episodes, extra stories. We're also going to have resources, messages back and forth and also submitting listener stories through that portal as well. So. Outro Themes. Themes.

If you want to be a part of our closer knit community here at Honey Media Chat, please hop on over to Patreon or Spotify subscriptions and join us there with love to see you. Thanks guys. Thanks. Second story weaponized incompetence or not question mark. My boyfriend, 26 male and I24 female have been together for nine years. For years he would act like he was incapable of doing things. Like if I asked him to make a frozen pizza he'd do the whole I

don't know how to do that. You know I'm stupid can you help me? Helping him would really be me doing it for him. This happened with everything. It would be so frustrating especially since most of the time it was self explanatory and having instructions or a quick Google search would have helped. I got tired having to think and do everything, so to combat it I stopped explaining things that were obvious to him and told him to figure it out.

For example, if he's looking for his pants and I walk into the room to help and without touching anything I see it, I just point and say it's right there. I still do this, but today he asked me where his paperwork was. It was sitting on the table where it had been for the last three days. One step behind him. He just had to turn and face the table. Him, where are my papers? Me, it's on the table in the same place. He glances at the table and lifts the shirt directly next to

the papers. Him where? Me Please look at the entire table before you ask me. Him looks again and sees it. You could have just told me instead of being mean. That's not. The word I wasn't trying to be mean, I guess I just made a habit out of not letting him play stupid. I don't know if this is him using weaponized incompetence or not. How do you even distinguish the two? Yeah, that's definitely

weaponized incompetence. Incompetence I think there's two points to this story that I see is one is like all right, cool man, like open your eyes and I so get this with our son like. I just oh. Man, but it's like, it's like I can't find my jumper. Have you looked in the cupboard? Yes, go in, look in the cupboard. It's right in the cupboard. Yeah, or even exactly this. Like it's right next to you. Where? Where Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's right next to you and he's

looking the other direction. Yep, Yep. And we're, we're trying to learn how to help him, you know, not use that as an excuse because it's not, it's, it's just, it's laziness or whatever it is. I'm not too sure how to. I I feel like there could be an avoidance there. I don't know that it's just choosing to be lazy, but it's definitely something. Yeah, that's not helpful. But at the same time as well, if if she's trying to do something without communicating it to him, like that's just hard.

You I mean like that's not going that's not building something together. As frustrating as it is to build something is so like trivial. Is this like this should just be done? Why, why is this even a thing by at the end of the day, again, what what are you hoping out of this is like, one, yeah, that he will stop. He will actually look on the table properly. But two, like ultimately is that you guys are going to grow

closer together as a couple. That's that's going to be a part of the priority even of this silly, silly things. And we've both had silly things we've had to work on. It's just, it is what it is, right? But the the growth is what's important. So yeah, I think it sounds like she says she's got an she's trying to do something to help him get better at it, but she's not communicating that with him. So for him, it's like sounds to

do that. But if that, if that was actually a conversation they were having, I think like, oh, cool again. Yep, I should have looked at first. Yeah, a lot of the times when you read the story, you're like, well, actually, it's warranted. That person's actually being really difficult and your reaction makes sense to me. But that doesn't mean that your reaction is a kind one or a helpful one or constructive one.

And I feel like this is a really, a really hidden one because it doesn't seem that intense. It's not like, Oh my gosh, that's in your face. You're right. Like if you're not, there's a few things that this kind of reaction can do it. It sounds passive aggressive and it sounds like the kind of thing that would just throw you into that contempt space because you're not gonna, you're not communicating about this.

And who knows how many times she's communicated about this because she probably has many, many times. But unless you sit down and you're like, this is what I'm experiencing. This is what I'm going to do Now if she, I think if she sat down and said to him, this is what you do, I've raised it with you and it's just not getting better. So now I'm actually just not going to do those easy things for you because I want to point out, I want it to be more clear. You're obviously not aware of it

in the time. So I'm going to make it a little clearer when there's something that I, I deem this should be something you can work out yourself. So if you notice me not pointing at it or picking it up or doing that and just kind of directing you otherwise that's what's happening, then I think that's OK. That's like, that's a boundary she's put in place.

She's communicated the boundary. She's given him the opportunity to step up to it and she's she can do that more neutrally if it's something she's passively put in place, like you said, hasn't communicated about it. It's not constructive for a number of reasons. Even though it's warranted, even though it is really annoying if you're facing this and it could really easily fall trap you into that contempt space, it's not just going to magically get better on its own.

Communication is such a funny thing, right? And this is the thing, it's communication. What we're talking about isn't just I've brought something to your attention, it's the continual conversation about this thing, right? So, for example, if we remove ourselves from a couple relationship as an example and go to more my work, right and the the where I'm work trying to still work on a lot with my communication to my team, team

members. I've been repeating myself about this survey that we need done from our participants for two years, right, two years I've been doing that, but still something's not happening for some reason we're not getting

the data that we need. There's miscommunication and what I mean, I Amy doesn't work for me or anything, but she's here's a lot of the conversations that I have and I'll process some of these frustrations of terms of, you know, what is going on here, Like what is going wrong? Is it something wrong with my communication in the way that I'm communicating? Or is it the team members? And I don't think it is the team members. They are amazing. They seriously do such a great

job. So what's the problem? And you brought to my attention like, I just like, I bring a lot of verbal information to a conversation where I need to improve is the way that I bring it across and then how I equip them with that information rather than just dump it. So I could, I like for like, I would go through seasons where I'm like, I'm communicating, I'm communicating like, what's the problem? I'm communicating. But the thing still wasn't getting done.

And it's really down to like, all right, well, how are we communicating? And are they understanding it? And that's, that's a wrestle. I don't have an answer for that because that's something I'm still trying to work on and, and, and get better at. But what I'm trying to say here is that communicating isn't, you just brought it up once and now you expect change communicating. Is that continual meant to growing together over a period of time?

You know, like that's really important to understand because even in this situation, you know, I'm sure she loves him. We hope the best for this couple. And what we hope though, isn't the, the just this annoying thing is taken care of. We, we hope that they will grow and strengthen through the way that they communicate with each other, just like we're trying to grow in our relationship in the way that we communicate with each other.

Understanding what we mean by communication is really, really important. Yeah. And I think like we mentioned in the first story, there's things you put in place. If you recognise a pattern that you are unable to contribute the way that you need to to your family culture, then there's things put in place. So put to your hats in the same place every time, with your keys

in the same place every time. So then then that cuts out most of those instances of like where is this or or, you know, like you said, separate the clothes before you put it in the laundry. This is the same sort of thing. And what you could do is if you find have it, if we find a pattern of your communication doesn't seem to be sinking in for the other person, you could break it down in a gentle, not patronising way and say, OK, I feel like I'm not clearly

expressing what I need in this. So for a while at least we're going to have, I'm going to share what I need. And then I actually need you to repeat back to me what you've taken in so you can check. And you could do this with work too, like you can check, like I've given you all of this instruction. Can you? Just for my sake, because we're working on this communication thing, tell me what you think I've just said and then you can

hear from them. What it is that they've taken in that you've said and if you, if you're like, Oh no, no, that's not my priority. Actually my priority is that survey that I need you to do. Then that kind of gives you a

bit more of a circuit breaker. But you need to set up the relationship to have that because if you just started saying that to me, I'm like, that is sorry, parts of aggressive right now. Have to be careful, like you can't just go and be like, So what did you say? What did I say? What? Did I say to you, Yeah, yeah, repeat what I said, yeah, because that's just not going to. Help anyone It's not. And also if you were the other way around and be like, I just don't take in things.

So you get me, like make me, you know, basically break it down for me like I'm a child. That's another way you could fall into weapons and companies. But I think finding patterns at work. So if you're able to say in a neutral space, maybe have a check in night and just be like, I feel unheard in the space. I don't think you're meaning to hurt. So when you figure out a way that we can communicate about this, it's not going to be

hurtful. And to finish this part up is what I want to say too, is this, you know, for example, the server that I used for, for an example, it's, it's actually very simple task. Do you mean? But it's been this one of our biggest issues in this, in this contract that we have is these surveys getting done. So, you know, for us, we can sometimes get frustrated over these simple things of like, it's so simple.

Why can't they just do it? It's it's even the simple things that we need to be having this much intentionality behind the commitment to growing in because it's a lot of the simple things that build up and that where we can go to contempt and resentment and all these sorts of things. So the simple things are really, really important. Sometimes things just don't happen. The simple things just don't happen.

And they should absolutely. But some a lot of the times it's the simple things that are the hardest to, you know, overcome or get through and to navigate through because they should be done. And having an attitude of curiosity, yeah, across the board, really helpful. Being like how this is not happening. I would love to understand a little bit more about what, what's making that so hard? Yeah. Cool. All right, let's move on to our

last story. Wear a tea I. Thought you were going to pick you up at the end of the story. No, I have picked up, you know when you pick up like a coffee or. Every day, all day. Or a drink, whatever you're like. Oh, looking forward to this last sip. And there is no last sip. Well, how the turntables have turned on that peppermint tea that you were kind of about. Now you just want more. If you haven't seen The Office. I didn't say that wrong. I said it right.

All right, so next story is, am I wrong for accusing my girlfriend of weaponized incompetence? My girlfriend, 28 female, and I, 31 male, have been dating for four years. I purchased my first home last year and we moved in together. She's not on the title and she does not pay anything towards a mortgage. She's in grad school and works part time, so she simply doesn't have that kind of money right now.

She helps pay for utilities and groceries, but that's pretty much it. Honestly, I think she gets a pretty sweet deal. I do however, expect her to do chores around the house. She was brought up in a very sheltered environment. She's the youngest of four siblings. In my opinion, her parents babied her a lot. Her dad in particular did everything for her. When we first started dating, she was still taking her car to him so he could bring it in for

oil changes. Since she's moved in with me, there's definitely been a learning curve. I had to teach her how to clean and do dishes. She didn't know that you didn't just put everything in the dishwasher. Cooking is a hard no from her and she's perfectly fine ordering out for every single meal. She's never used a rake or a

lawnmower or shovelled snow. I like to think I've been very patient with her in regards to teaching her these things, but pretty much everything I try to teach her is met with resistance or it's too hard or too dirty and she gives up and expects me to do it. I've let a lot of this go because I love her and I know that a lot of this is her parents fault, not hers. But last weekend I finally had it. I had to go visit my parents to help my dad with a project he's working on.

This had been arranged for weeks so my girlfriend knew about it, but before I left I asked her if she could mow the lawn at some point during the weekend because it was getting long. It was literally the only thing I asked her to do. When I got home on Sunday, the lawn mower was in the middle of the Half Moon yard moan. Mowed. Mowed, he said. Moan, that sounds weird right now. Half mown yard?

Maybe that's how you say it. I asked girlfriend what that was about and she said it had run out of gas and she didn't know what to do. She said she called her dad for help but he's out of town and he told her to fill up a tank at the gas station, but she didn't know where the tank was or how to fill up the lawn mower so she just left everything as it was so I could help her. I told her I was tired of her acting like she's completely incapable of figuring stuff out

on her own. I told her it's ridiculous that she can watch a 5 minute YouTube video of a new makeup technique and figure it out first try, but she can't figure out how to pour gas into a lawn mower. I told her I'm tired of her weaponized incompetence and if she's not going to pull her weight or chores then she's going to have to start paying

rent to live here. She got defensive and told me I shouldn't be treating her like she's a servant and expecting her to do things she's never done before, and that I'm wrong for expecting her to pay rent when I know she can't afford it and you won't help pay my mortgage and get nothing out of it. This one's interesting because it's relevant to us a bit. Because that's kind of of my upbringing to some extent. Not to this extent, but things

like more mourn lowing. Mourn lowing, mourn lowing, mourn lowing at half the mourn mourning lawn. I had never done anything physical. And my dad was really, really like, he just had this whole thing about the women, gender roles, gender roles, very traditional gender roles. Women shouldn't have to do the hard. Like if he knew that I did the bins, sometimes he would be grossed out by that. He'd be like, oh, you should not have to do that.

And but then the flip side of that, too, was, you know, he never cooked. One time he did put a whole carrot in water to boil. He didn't cook, which, yeah, so that's fine. That is what it is. Like people are going to have their family cultures that they come into relationships with. Attitudes I think are the biggest thing that stand out to me in this. Values are the biggest thing that stands out to me in this. And I think that's a value of your dad's too, right?

So when I was listening to this, I'm like, OK, yeah, I can see how that'd be frustrating. I could see how for me, what would be most frustrating is that she has left the lawn mower in the middle of the lawn. You know, I mean, like, if it all, you know, like, yeah, OK, you need help and whatever else, but move the lawn mower. Don't leave it out in the middle of the lawn. I put it away again and wait for

me to come back. And it's OK if you need help because yeah, but I think for him, it's it's his values. He has these specific values that he has. But it sounds like he's he's got this expectation that she has the same and, and does it say how long they've been dating? For I think 4 years 4. Years and I wonder if that's a conversation they need to be having rather than like a main conversation they need to be having rather than you need to learn to mow the lawns. It's actually our values

aligned. And so I think it's more of a values conversation than a lawn conversation. That's a really good point. I think so too. I think it sounds like it actually sounds very similar to our backgrounds to some extent. It sounds like different family cultures with different expectations. Obviously to him it's absurd that a woman wouldn't have done this stuff, which is similar to you.

It's really weird that we didn't know. So my mom did all. That stuff, that's what I was. Used to right my mom, so my dad's a bricklayer by trade and my mom actually did labouring for him right. So my mom is very capable, physically capable woman that would do stuff and and probably to a point is like proving like she's like I'm going to prove that I can stuff too, right? I didn't need not man. Yeah, but it's so.

Yeah. When I met you, that was such a shock to me that you'd never mowed lawn before. You didn't know how to use whipper, sniper, all that sort of stuff. And it was probably, I'm trying to think back, I don't think it was a very much a tension point between us. What I think it was, was a value point for me. Yeah, right. I really wanted my daughter. Yeah. To be like capable. I want my daughter to be capable. I don't want, I didn't want her to grow up. Not like to be like, I can't do

this. I need I need someone to help me, whatever else. And, and I, I don't think I was like, Amy, just go out and mow the lawn. I think it was that process. If, if I'm remembering back, because this has been a while ago now that we started having these conversations, but it was like, I actually walked you through everything. And one thing was is like, all right, this is a value for me. But also at the same time, these were your concerns using like machinery was quite a nervous

thing for you. You now you use out my circular saw use, you know, tools, right? You're quite capable now of doing that or learning that you might actually grab me to start with. Like how can I do this safely, which is important. But one big thing was this is my value. This is your insecurities around that or not insecurities, your confidence levels around that. So how do I help you? Because you're seeing my values and you've agreed to these values.

So how do now, how do I, I now help you get to that point? Yeah. So you don't have a, you've never used that as an excuse. You've been like, OK, I see that value. I align with that value. I just need help getting to be able to do that value. Yeah. Yeah. But also there's an element of just because it's your values doesn't mean it has to be mine. So this is an extreme example,

but if you come. So if I had come into our marriage really traditional roles and I was like, no, that's how I want it to be. Like, that's how I've grown up. That's what I've always expected to be. I mean, for one thing, hopefully you don't get married to someone who you've got like massive dis alignment and also you'll never be in line. Yeah. So. Compromise, hopefully, yeah.

If there's no compromise on things because of how strongly you each feel, hopefully you don't end up in a committed long term relationship because you work through that. But there's there's a give and take of that stuff. So there is a conversation you need to have as a couple to decide what your family values, because you each bring your values and your family values are a mesh of both of those things. But yeah, I think you're 100% right. It's a value thing.

It's an it's an expectation thing. It's a value thing and it's an upbringing thing. And this, the lawnmower one was interesting because I would not change the oil on the lawnmower. And even if I you tubed it, I could watch it happen and I would probably be like, I'm fairly confident that I've got this, but I would still feel to this day very cautious. I'd be like, I don't want to mess it up. The risks are high.

It's not the same as doing a makeup look differently, which is really compared it to I would not leave a lawn mower out in the middle of the lawn. And so there's there's the like, but. At the same time, even with cooking, right, I'll, I'll follow instructions and stuff, but if there's, if there's something questions are fine. You know what I mean? Like, and, and having that, Oh, I want your support while I'm doing this.

That's so OK. And that needs to be OK because we're just helping each other get better, you know, because otherwise it's just like, no, you're going to do that on your own. That's not that's not great. Again, it's not a constructive way. It might be. It might look warranted. It might look, Oh no, that makes sense. They're not putting an effort, but it's not constructive. It's not going to build your relationship closer.

I think the attitude that he's alluded to in here that she's got where she's like it's too dirty or it's too hard, that that would be a real issue. I think that's not a that again, not a constructive way. If you are like, it's too dirty, it's too hard and we're going to try. It's totally different to me. Like I'm actually really scared to try this but. I wonder if he's actually shared his values in that too. Right.

And I wonder if if if they had those conversations, if they had, I wonder if she would have the same response. Yeah, You know what I mean? And because it could be, you know, because once I have that values conversation, the conversations can go in many other ways. You know, that attitude of curiosity, why be is being dirty such a difficult thing for you? You know, and being curious about those responses based on that. But unless she actually knows how much of A value it is for

you, I don't know. I think it's just going to be like, right, It's just dirty. I don't want to do that. Yeah. And conversation is quite shallow. Exactly, I think as well, obviously the end of this is where it gets a bit yucky as well. So the things that are said I

think are pretty intense and probably indicate what's going on underneath for both of them too. Contempt, Contempt, absolutely. And expectations that aren't communicated. So, you know, she's like you're treating me like a servant and I can, I can understand where she's coming from from that in some to some extent I can totally understand as well. If you're like, you're here not paying for this and so you and so you can kind of pay me back by doing the suffering on the House.

But again, if that's not a communicated and agreed upon thing, yeah. That's an expectation. Yeah, and that's not fair either. And I also understand her point being like, I'm not going to pay your mortgage. It's your house and it's your mortgage, although at the same time you're living there, so there's like. And you've been together for four years, like you're kind of into that point of view relationship. If there's still a lot of separations, what's what's happening there?

So there could be so many attention points. She could be like, why are you not bringing me in on this? They've been together for four years in your house. Where where does my ownership start of this? Put a ring on it. Yeah. Well, and so I think values 100% first thing, maybe just diving into some of these unsaid things that just came out when you're upset, that usually when something comes out because you're upset, it's because it's actually bubbling under the

surface. And if there's an attitude that's bubbling under the surface too, she might be feeling a certain type of way about the things he's asking her to do. Basically, they should listen. I don't even need to chat and they should just communicata. Communicata, which is Spanish free Portuguese. Portuguese. Portuguese for communicator.

Anyway, I hope they can communicate through this yeah, argument that they've had and come out the other side and have just a lot more grace for each other because not many people wake up and choose to be this way. And another thing I'll say, obviously most of these examples have been men, but in this case it's not.

So that's not always the case. I don't believe, and maybe this is rose coloured glasses, but I don't believe that many people are satisfied knowing deep down inside that they're not bringing their best would be satisfied knowing genuinely at the end of the day that they're not being an asset to their partner in the house. They probably maybe people aren't aware of it at the time. There might be an unspoken

thing, an unknown thing. But if you're able to come to these conversations with this curiosity and with this grace for each other and communicating clearly what your needs are and what aren't being met and your values or whatever it is that you need to communicate through. I think many couples that struggle with this space have so much potential to actually work really harmoniously in this area when they can get very real and raw and supportive in that conversation.

Yeah, that's good. Cool. Incompetent. What is it? Weaponize incompetence. Like we haven't said it enough. Great, we are going to go record a chatters episode we're. Going to talk another story on Weaponize Incompetence and this story is called Help Me Communicate with My Helpless Husband Helpless. So hop on over to Patreon to hear that story. Good chat. See you guys.