This episode is brought to you by Shopify, whether you're selling a little or a lot. Shopify helps you do your thing, however you chitching. From the launch your online shop stage, all the way to the, we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash special offer, a lower case. That's Shopify.com slash special offer.
So, number one, and what I want you guys to know, if we have to lay down the law and tell you what we're all about here, is that this podcast and these mini-sodes, the last thing we're about to do, is posture myself as a guy above you and say, hey, this is the way
I'm smarter, I'm wiser, this is the way I've done it, it's the only way. What I am going to do is tell you, hey, here's how I failed, here's how I continue to fail, and here is something I've learned along the way that I think might really help you to, in case you don't want to make the same mistake. So that being said, now that you guys know the heart,
let's get to it and welcome to the hearted dating podcast. So, number one, you guys ready, we're going to go there and I love this topic because we're really going to go there, we're going to be vulnerable, and we're just going to say, I think this could be an issue for me and I would really love to attack it. So here we go. She's attractive, does she
love Jesus? She's attractive, but does she love Jesus? If you are a Christian man, you probably at one point or another on a weekly basis, a monthly basis, have said these words whether out loud or to yourself, she's attractive, but does she love Jesus? Today we're going to talk about what is the issue, we're going to talk about what is the phenomena behind this statement and why might it be problematic or revealing so much more in our heart?
And so, in true Judas Smith style and the true 2022 preacher way, I'm going to start with two quick stories to kind of explain maybe what's going on here and see if we can identify a pattern. So the first one fellow, as I want you to just follow me, there's a beautiful girl, right? She might be in your community group, we might have seen her in a friend group or at the coffee shop. Obviously we meet her, we see her, we are interested,
right? We put out our feelers, we asked our guy friends or her friends, is she single? What's the deal here? Yo, we might obviously today go to Instagram and find her and double click in her profile, scroll back, scroll back, look at the tag photos of her. Is she really as pretty as she appears in these photos and her stories? We're going to do our reconnaissance. And most guys at this point might even only ask out the girl if they checked out that
physically attractive box. And so the phenomena here and what I would explain is we get to know them over time, eventually, right? Whether through friends and a friend group on a day, we get to know them and we continually date them. And something sometimes happens where we hear their language, right? We see their fruit, we evaluate their spiritual maturity and their story, and we hear their personality. And we see the way that they treat others
and the way they treat their friends. And if it's not what we're looking for, and in fact, if it's something a little bit worse than what we are expecting or hoping for, they actually decrease an overall attractiveness, right? Like we went from wanting and desiring and daydreaming about being in the room with them to kind of avoiding it and not really like and get
it all. And sometimes we are dating and we prolong the relationship because we are physically attracted to them so much so that we're just willing to give time and time and time even that we know it's a fool's errand. And on the other hand, there's this overlooked girl. We all know this phenomenon. I love this one where we are in church group, we're in community group, we're in friend groups and initially she might have been overlooked by you because
physically she just maybe was not the most attractive one in the room. And all of a sudden, over time, she becomes incredibly beautiful and attractive as what? Well, as you get to know them, you see over time how consistent she is, you see how selfless she is, she gives an answer in the community group and you say, wow, that was really, really mature. I really love that thought that really challenged me. You see how kind they are to other people
and their friends. And over time, you say, wow, this girl is really, really attractive. So what is the pattern here? What is the learning for us men? Well, if we're going to be real today and talk about this, I have to admit first handed that I have struggled with this.
I know this and I hear this from the men I work with and talk to all the time. And the reality is that we have a backwards model of attraction that starts with the physical and then it looks and hopes that everything else, the character, the fruit, the maturity will fall into place. We meet them. We are physically attractive. The check a box and then we hope and pray that two, three, four, five fall in to place. Now, at this point,
we can all acknowledge that physical attraction. What I'm not going to do is tell you that this is wrong, wrong, wrong, just put on the blinders and don't look at them. We all have to agree and be realistic here. That physical attraction is massively initial, meaning it is
typically the first thing that we see. It is our first impression of them. I'm not about the doggy guys on noticing whether or not a female sister in Christ is beautiful physically speaking, but the problem is as we have a tendency to take it deeper and make it the primary focal point of attraction in priority, it is number one. And we all do this. I do this
and I have done this and it wasn't taught to us. It wasn't taught to us. It really is our natural tendency to pass women through an objectification lens of this binary test. You see physically attractive or not. And that alone, aha, that alone should tell us men something is off, right? This model, this framework is not of God, but it is a flesh. And so then as you're listening to this podcast, brothers, today, you hear me talk about
this and we're very quickly left with the choice. We claim to be Christian. We claim to be men of God who want to honor the women, all women in our life. So the question quickly surfaces, what will we do about it? Will you listening here today decide that this is a problem? Is this a serious enough offense to take issue with to address? Well, if you're sitting here and you're still on the fence and you don't know whether or not it can be
a problem, I got you. So why is this a problem? So two things, when we go with the flesh way, if that's not good enough for you to define this as a bad thing that we need to take care of, but when we go with the flesh way, practically a couple of things happen. First all, when I say the word, we objectify it like let's just call it what it is. Let's not be soft and dance around it. We objectify. And in the man, we have to come to a point
where we admit it's okay to admit this, right? It's okay to admit it's wrong. And we are not about to shame ourselves into changing this and shutting it down without addressing the root because I bad news. If you just try and shut it down and use a practical tool and you put on the blinders, it's not going to go away. You're going to be playing a game of whack-a-mull. It's just going to be surfacing somewhere else. And you're not going to truly
take care of the issue. But when we objectify in the problem when I say if that's not loaded enough term, the problem with objectification is this. We assign value that is our own value system. And it's not based on God's image. It's not God's value. It's not the way that God sees them. It's the way that we see them and are flesh and sin and deem them, believe it or not, of some kind of worthiness of our time, effort, investment, evaluation.
So that's the problem with the objectification is that we assign our own value instead of deferring to God's value that he is placed on them. And then the second thing, a lot more practically that happens in the physical relational realm is that we are inclined to overlook with a powerful bias. Let me say that again. When we start with physical attraction and hope that 2, 3 and 4 are what we desire and want, we are starting our evaluation with
an inherent, powerful bias. We have a seed that's already been planted and we are going to be biased from the get-go. Why? Because she's physically attractive. We have already swayed. Our evaluation is already corrupted because we get to 2, we get to 3, we get to 4. And depending on how attractive she is, it determines how much slack we can give the standard for which we seek. Okay, she's really attractive. So maybe she's not quite as spiritually
as mature and strong and challenging as I want. But she's really physically attractive and the spiritual things those can be developed over time. I can lead her. I can sway her. I can build her. The problem with that is you attach the success of your relationship with her with her relationship with God. So not only is that like just the most self-righteous thing of us as men to do, but it's completely wrong and non-loving. It is actually just
trying to serve our desire more than anything else. But more importantly, we are led to corrupt evaluation that is not going to be objective in 2, 3, 4, which we claim to be our 1, 2, 3, right? Spiritually first, we want a woman. So to give you guys a good story about this, I am a Prius guy. Let me say that again. I am a Prius guy and I'm not ashamed. Okay. I'm economical. I'm practical. The Prius, if you guys are looking for a car, I
will live and die on the hill that the Prius is the greatest car ever made. Okay. So that's a fun fact about me. So why are you guys listening to me talking about how much I freaking love the Toyota Prius? Well, I have a good story for you guys. Again, Judas Missed. I've got to give you guys an analogy to help you understand because that's what we need these days.
Okay. So last year, I was on the search for a Prius. And before I even stepped out of the house and went to a car lot, before I even opened up a browser on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or CarSight, I was praying. I was meditating. I was reading. I was soaking up knowledge about the Prius. I was obsessed about the specifics of things underneath the hood, the battery, the hybrid engine, the maintenance, the car facts, the oil changes,
the timing belt. I was researching what were the best years the Priuses were made, what were the years to avoid. And ultimately, I matched up the things on the engine and the interior and the specifics with the purpose I wanted the Prius for. Let me say that again. I matched the specifics I was looking for for the purpose I wanted the Prius for. I had the long term plan. I wanted it for this is not a short term thrill for me to go fast.
This was an economical money saving machine to get me from A to B for a very long time that I was not going to break down that I could depend on that I could build my life on. So before I even shopped, I was on mission and I knew what I was going to look for. And then, and only then, I might look at the pink color. I might look at the trim. I might look at the wear and tear. I might evaluate the interior of the car a little bit differently.
I hope it was leather. If it was not, I could address that later. But do you know what I did not do? And this is where it gets fine. I did not go to car lots. I did not go to Craigslist. I did not go to Facebook Marketplace looking for the flashiest trim. The nicest models, the coolest paint jobs. I did not go to the car lot despite my wishes to go look at that sick Ford Bronco I have seen on Instagram 10 times this week because how foolish
what it have been for me to go out knowing the specific things I desire. And then check out every flashy beautiful car that caught my eye and then hope that I popped open the engine and underneath was a 50 mile per gallon hybrid engine that had been well cared
for and maintained and was the reliable engine I know I needed and wanted. What hopeless and decisive undefined mission would I have been on if I just went from car lot to car lot looking for this car, the flashy flashy car and just hoped that the things I wanted
were underneath the hood. And we do the same thing. We stumble from community group to community group to friend group to friend group looking for the flashy one, the beautiful one that catches our eye and then we ask her out and we just hope and pray that spiritually she is as mature as maybe we wish for that she has the fruit that we desire that she has the proverbs 31 woman quote on her Instagram bio and lives the life behind it behind the
bio and real life. I don't want to shame us men because I have done this too. But we got to be realistic. If we want the specifics, the engine, the things underneath the hood, the character, the fruit, the spiritual maturity, we cannot let the physical appearance dictate the cars that we check out or the women that we date. It's just not realistic and the changes are that the women we are looking for are all around us. Those character attributes
are all around us. And at the very worst, you just met an amazing woman who's got great character who can be your friend. Now, I know you guys are listening here and there's one or two of you who's like, I'm going to play the devil's advocate, JJ. And let's just call out the elephant in the room. You are married to a very beautiful girl. Well,
guys, listen, I'm not about to deny that. I'm not about to go youth past drawn you guys and tell you about how beautiful my wife is even though I do think that I'm sitting here talking about this because I made the same mistake in a lot of different ways. And I regret it. Right. I dated the wrong girl. He was beautiful way too long. I kind of missionary dated the girl who was beautiful and didn't know Jesus the way I knew I wanted
the woman to love Jesus. And I tied my relationship and her relationship to God in a really messy self righteous clump that just did not work out well. It was more damaging to her and me as an ambassador of Christ than anything. And it just turned out even worse than I could have planned. I have had this binary test as my lit mist test is whether or not I would
ask a girl out. I've overlooked some great amazing girls. My biggest regret is I've overlooked some great amazing girls in my community and missed the chance at simply a great friendship. I love who I ended up with. I love my wife. I think that that was the one that God really highlighted for me. But if I look back with one regret over my dating experiences, it's that I just overlooked amazing women so consistently. And I missed the chance at just simply a great
friendship. I really do regret that. And when it comes to Kate, I've never said this out loud. Are you ready? We're going there guys because I love you. All right. I'm not about to pretend. But when it comes to Kate, I heard her story first and truthfully, if I didn't and I just all Kate on Instagram or I just saw her in the church group, I would not have asked her out. I would not have asked her out. Because in college, this is where I was impression deeply impression
for one of the first times. I had a college teammate. He was a very handsome guy. He could probably get any girl you wanted, very athletic, very nice, very kind. And he would always just not really pursue that many girls. He would take a couple girls in the church group on dates. But he ended up taking a girl out on a date and came back grinning ear to ear, talking about her and how attracted he was to her. And I was like stunned and confused. And he looked at me and he said, dude, you don't
get it. She's attractive because she loves Jesus so much. And he is literally beaming. He looked at me and the dead of the eye and said, you don't get it. She loves Jesus so much. It is so attractive. That was the first time I was like, wow, I get it. I see it. That is what I desire. That is what I want when I look at my wife. And so when Kate got up on that Zoom call a year and a half ago, I heard and saw her story first, her character first, the redemption, the healing that she's
experienced from God first, the change, the sanctification she is experienced on earth. That was what drew me in. That is what said, I got to check out this girl. I don't care how much older she is. I don't care what her profession is. I've heard her story and I'm very, very intrigued. So I hope that's helpful for you guys because we're going to shift gears right here. I hope at this point, we can all identify that this is an issue for us men. And it's a natural, fleshly, default system.
But we are sitting here. I hope at this point saying, okay, yes, this is a problem. How do I change deeply? How do I mold and shape and change and form my criteria and my dating life as a single man? Well, the reality is this is you have to rearrange your attraction model. And let me help you out here. What are we fighting against? Well, fellas, we are fighting against decades and decades, depending on how old you are, decades and decades of James Bond of Disney and porn. Okay,
let me say that again. We are fighting against decades of Disney, porn, and James Bond. Okay, every female from Kim possible to the Disney princesses, to the lead actresses and James Bond, are all fictional bodies, personalities, looks, and fictional beings. They do not exist. Our eyes and our imagination has been opened up to a realm and a standard that is not possible. And if you don't believe me that our compass has been corrupted and changed through media,
then I want to ask you a question. You ready? Imagine if there was no such thing as a digital device and your compass of beauty was only the things that you physically could see and your experience as a human. Right? If there was no such thing as media, period, what would your compass of beauty look like today? Well, I don't know about you, but for me, it would look vastly different. Right? It would look incredibly different. So that is the first thing to keep in mind as you
ask yourself, how do I change? Is recognize what we're fighting against, men? It's a flesh problem compounded by decades and decades of Disney, porn, and James Bond. So if we're asking the question how to rearrange, let's get practical. Well, you got to attack the emotional root. That is the most practical thing here. You got to attack the emotional root that cleans that thirst that's so strongly desires the physical attraction. This can stem from a multitude of areas. This can stem
from an insecurity that you are not attractive or worthy. And so you have to go out and date a girl who's physically attractive enough to validate yourself and your self-esteem. You could have such a warped heightened sense of your physical attraction that you feel like you are entitled to a girl who's physically attractive or as physically attractive as you. Or the last one could be you. When I've had this, it really does put it to the test is an insufficient trust that the one
that God has for you won't delight you. That you won't delight in the physical attraction of the body of the one that God might have for you. So those are all some reasons I would encourage you to just sit down with the Holy Spirit God and you just ask yourself, why? Why is this such a big deal? Why is this number one besides it being initial? And then two, we have to learn and redefine our desire for the God image in them, which should be the most attractive thing, right? This idea of
biblical attraction, character attraction, spiritual attraction, right? These are the things that we really, really want to pray and ask God to form and shape in our mind. The last thing you ready? So I love this one because it's just a really good picture for us men. We have to start working the muscles of catch and release karate kits. What? Grabbing the fly out of the air, okay? What does this mean? We have to catch the double take at the cute girl with a nice body at the coffee shop at
church when nobody's looking, okay? We got to catch the temptation to double click into the cute profile and TikTok or Instagram or Twitter or Facebook. We have to catch it, men. We do. We got to be disciplined. The Holy Spirit will be your best friend for this area and we got to catch it and we have to release it, okay? When we release it, the idea should be this. It's an airport with planes flying around all over and we give permission to planes to land, okay? And as soon as we have
that thought, we highlight it. It's incoming. We are not giving permission for that thought to land. We are not running with it. And then we offer our thought life back to Christ. We say thank you, Lord, for this beautiful mind, for the eyes that look to you and your glory. Lord, would you rewire my brain, my idea of attraction, years of being attracted to the wrong thing? Let me only have eyes for the one you love for me. And if not, fellas, this is not a threat and this
is what I'll close on. This is not to scare you into change. This is just the reality of the stakes that we're playing with. If you don't attack this problem in the root and change, no matter how beautiful your girlfriend is, your fiancee is, your wife is. If you allow this cub to grow, it will be a lion that prows and hunts in the vows, not just you, but you, your wife, your marriage and your family. So when I say the stakes are high here, they are very, very high.
And any squishy, soft area that we leave untouched, unvictorious, unchanged, it will surface and marriage. It will surface in our life. And it's not just going to harm you. It's going to harm other people in the unit. So that is why it is a big deal. I love you guys. This was the first episode. Okay. So we are just getting started. Hit me up on Instagram. I want to hear your feedback. We're going to keep going there. If Kate doesn't shut down this one, we're going to keep going
there. Happy wildlife. Friday to you guys. I love you. Have a wonderful day. Be blessed. And let's be men. Let's go.