Welcome to The Heart of Dating Podcast. Hey, it's Kate. I'm so glad you could join us this week as we try to entangle the ever-so ambiguous world of dating as a Christian. Over here on Heart of Dating, we get real as we answer some tough questions and uncover transformative ways to approach Christian dating. Oh, and you better believe we have some laughs along the way. Cause last time I checked, the struggle is hashtag real. You know what I'm saying?
Now let's get to the heart of the matter. What's up you guys? It's season 9. Hey, for the first time I have JJ here doing the intro with me too. Babe, what's up? Hey, are you happy to be here? I am home. You guys, we are stoked for season 9. We have so much goodness coming for you this season. If you missed our trailer last week, here's what you need to know. In season 9, we're going to be covering more hot topics, more dating hot topics. Why?
Because throughout the last eight seasons, we have over 200 episodes. I've been interviewing tons and tons and tons of people and we have mostly episodes between 40 to one hour long, 40 minutes to one hour long. And so what we want to do is we want to do shorter episodes that are more hot topic niche so we can really cover some of your main questions. So that's what's coming at you here in season 9. Plus babe, tell them what they get on Fridays.
We're telling them. Yeah. Oh, guys, a highlight for my fellows of your week. Friday wasn't already good enough with while by Fridays. What a compliment that we have. Men specific, many so's coming out every Friday, baby. For season 9, let's go. Men, we've been wanting
to serve you for a while. It's been on my heart. I've prayed for years that it would be clear that a guy would step up to really lead the men in heart of dating and God had such a cool vision because it became the person that it became was my husband, you know,
and I never really anticipated that it would be that way. There was something deep down that where I desired that and I dreamed of it, but I always felt like if it was going to be what God wanted it to be, that he would make it clear on that man's heart, if it was to be that way. And it just so happened that JJ became very passionate about serving men. That's right. I think God just opened up the doors and I'm telling you, men, if you're
listening to this, I get messages every day now. Yeah. People listening to our podcasts and our story and they just say, thank you. And so the reason why we're doing this is because God's opened up the door. And two, I've made a lot of mistakes. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not covering these topics as an expert who's done it right. I'm covering it as somebody who's messed up and don't want you to do the same thing. That's right. So good. So man, we can't wait to serve you
every single Friday. If you're new around here, we want to let you know, join our Facebook community. We actually this week launched a brand new vision in that community where you can meet your best friend or significant other. And we have had tons of marriages actually come out of the heart of dating Facebook community, go to Facebook.com forward slash heart of dating. You got to make sure that you follow our rules, though. And really make sure you're aware of those because that's the only
way that we can serve a group of over 10,000 people all at once. But we want to get you kicked in and locked in there. Okay. Last but not least, real quick, we want to let you know about the singles academy. It's our community. It's a masterclass community that's really built to serve and be the singles ministry that your church doesn't have. We have hundreds of people doing life together in that community. This month, we are moving through the topic of self hatred. It's been powerful.
There's chains being broken. People are working through their feelings of unattractiveness and unworthiness. And it's so, so, so beautiful to see this happening in community. We have discussion groups. We have community event nights. We have meetups that are happening. We have affinity groups. We have so many things in each month kicks off with a masterclass teaching. So when you join, you get access to all past month's masterclasses. And then in the next month, we will have a new
theme with a new masterclass that is always on the first Thursday of the month. You can check it out by going to heart of dating dot com forward slash TSA. Hey, hey everybody. It's Kate and JJ. And we're back from getting married. It's Mr. and Mrs. Tomlin reporting for duty. Go on YouTube to see us flashing our ring status. Wing, wing, baby. That reminds me of the Drake song. The hotline bling, isn't that it? Yeah.
That can only mean one thing. Oh, that probably doesn't. That's not probably doesn't mean something and good. Any here. Here we are in season nine episode one. You guys, we are going to be covering a lot of fun hot topics and we can't wait. That's going to be fun. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. They're going to be a lot shorter for you guys. So hopefully you enjoy that. And like we just can't wait because we're going to be able to answer more specific questions.
We've had so many episodes here. They've been longer episodes on a plethora of topics. I've interviewed tons and tons of people, which has been amazing. But now we want to get more specific nitty gritty, some of those nuance topics. So we can't wait. Yes. And we have something new for you guys to start out our season nine episodes. That's right. What is it? We are going to be starting on our episodes talking about a great date question. So you guys can write down these questions,
ask them on your dates. And guess what? Jay Jay and I are actually going to answer them. We're going to like chat about that. That's right. We want to help you guys out on the date, not just before it. Yeah. So what's the question this week? The question this week and some of you guys might have heard this one before, but it's such a great question. You ready? What made you smile this week? I love that question. I know. What made you smile this week? It's a great first date
question too. Yeah. Like light, sweet, interesting. And yeah, so babe, what made you smile this week? We're going to ask it. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Well, what made me smile this week? Actually, this is cool. We've had a lot of a lot of SOD and TSA students just making tons of progress. And we'll get like voice memo updates. Yeah. And we've had specifically two SOD students go on like the best dates of their life. Yes. And we've even had them get into a relationship for the first time ever.
And they'll literally voice memo us like, I can't believe this is happening. Yes. It's so cool. I love that. That is like one of the best things. It is. So what about me? Should I answer to you? Absolutely. Yes. Okay. So it made me smile this week. Okay. This is unplanned because mine is also about a program thing. But I promise you guys, this is just it's truly genuine. So we had our October masterclass and we covered the topic of self-hatred. And this topic so deeply resonates
with my heart as a big struggle in my life. And years ago, I would have never identified self-hatred as being something I struggled with. I was like, that's way too strong of a word. But now I realize that the enemy used that to blind me so that I wouldn't truly heal from myself hatred. And so we did a masterclass on self-hatred. And then this whole month in the singles Academy, we're going through it together. And honestly, just really getting to tell my
story and be honest and vulnerable about how God has healed parts of myself hatred. And then seeing the students in the chat be so vulnerable and like connect and even heal through their vulnerability really was like, so beautiful in life giving this week. Absolutely. And you did so good. I think what we see in that TSA, the masterclasses is, and you guys probably see this in your community groups and life groups, vulnerability, begets vulnerability, at length of vulnerability.
So he did such a good job setting the tone. And it's so cool seeing every student in there just like grasp it and get vulnerable. I love it. Well, today we're going to talk about the prayer that changed both of our dating lives. And this is the number one prayer. We recommend that you pray in your dating life starting right now. Okay. Now I want to just speak some life into you. Despite all the hardships and heartbreak and hopelessness, God is writing a story that is
better than you can ever imagine. He really, really, really is. I know there are times you doubt it. I know there are times you barely believe it to be true. I know there are times you're like, it is goodness and his love really for me. But I want to encourage you to not let your disappointment trump. How good our God is. And so here are four things that are going to distract you from the goodness of God. One, settling for less in your dating life, settling for less. Do not settle for
less. You're not going to marry someone perfect. But there will be a voice in your body, the Holy Spirit speaking to you saying, this is not really for you. This is not the best for you for the kingdom. Do not settle for less. Do not settle for scraps of attention. You are worth the whole dang meal. Okay. Another thing that will distract you from the goodness of God is hyper focusing on marriage. And this is really tough because in today's society and even in church
culture, we really prioritize marriage. We're like, marriage is the end all be all. And we can hyper focus on it. Like, I just need to get to that next stage. So our singleness doesn't become a season about glorifying God and living richly and fully for the kingdom. It rather becomes a time, an in between time to get to the next season, which is marriage. That's what we see our singleness as. And I just don't think it has to be that way. I know it's what the romcoms and Disney and
forces around us are telling us, but you have the opportunity to change that for yourself. Do not hyper focus on marriage. And similarly, don't let marriage be the final goal. I see a lot of women who are like, my purpose is to become a mom. My purpose is to be a wife. And while that may be a beautiful part of your story, it's not your sole purpose. I'm telling you that that is not your sole purpose. That is that could be a part of your purpose. And it could be used to glorify God
in a beautiful way. But there is so much God wants to do in your life right now as a single. And I'm going to talk through some of the ways God really revealed this to me in my life. And then also, lastly, do not give up on your purpose, giving up on your true purpose or not even trying to find what it is outside of potentially wanting to be married and be a parent.
That is distracting you from really being able to focus on running for the kingdom, making disciples of nations, knowing and truly delighting and experiencing the goodness of God. That's so good. And in the meantime, here are three awesome encouragement for you guys to keep in mind. Number one, keep running in your lane. I love this idea of running. Right. It's not walking. It's not picking up the flowers, stopping, smelling. It's not a lack of days. You're
running with intention in your lane. Yeah. And then you're hopefully going to find somebody running that same pace with you to partner with. Number two, keep praying this prayer. It's not a one-time fix-all prayer that you pray one time and you're good. But the prayer we're going to give you guys is a prayer to be revisited on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Yes. And number three, and I'll
love this one. Keep believing that God is up to really amazing things in your life. The path and where you are in your singleness, your divorce status, whatever it might be is exactly where God wants you to be. The way we know this and one of my favorite verses is this. It's in Ephesians 1. And we know for the good of all who believe in Him, God works out all things for His purpose according to His will. And then some versions, it's according to the counsel of His will. And we
love to focus on the first half, the first third. But actually, guess what? When it says according to the counsel of His will, you think about a counsel, right? It's multiple people and you're like, okay, that's a little interesting. And it actually is talking about in Genesis before the earth was created before you and I were knit in the womb, God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus counseled together and playing the timeline of earth and everything, including you and your journey and
your purpose and your path on this earth. So we get to say, wow, God before time began really dreamed up everything. And I'm exactly where He wants me to be. So I believe God is up to amazing things because He's been up to amazing things before I was even created. And I just get to participate in that journey has for me. Yeah. And one of the things I love that you said is about the keep running in your lane. And I think when we start getting stuck and hyper focus on marriage,
what ends up happening is we end up getting stuck. We stop running entirely. We are like, we get stuck in one place. We're not even moving forward really at all. And the call is to really like, I believe keep running towards Jesus becoming more like him. One of my favorite quotes is, who are you becoming by the things you are doing? That's John Mark Homer. I love it. It's like a life quote for me. Who are you becoming by the things you are doing? Are the things you're doing only focusing on
trying to get to that next stage in life? Or the things you're doing really focusing on cultivating true godliness in your life? And moving towards your kingdom purpose, envision whatever that is for you. 100% If you don't know what it is, what are you doing to take steps to move towards that? Yeah. The best litmus test for that is, do you look like the same person you did a month ago? Do you look like the same person a year ago from today? Yeah. Like what about your life is different?
Yeah. What about your spiritual disciplines are different? What about your vision is different? Yes. Or are you just in the same place? Which I've been in that season? I don't know about you. Complace and see. Exactly. I'm complacent to, there's a difference between contentment. I'm like truly grateful for the things that I have. Uh-huh. And I'm continuing to move forward and complacency. I'm stuck and I don't really want to even do anything to get out of this. We should do an episode
on how to get out of that. Yeah. That could be good. We've all been there. Yeah. Okay. So I got to be real. I wish in many ways I grafts onto these things even sooner in my dating life because I didn't get married to us 33 and not that that's really late at all. But there was a lot of hardship and heartache that I could have avoided to be honest if I had grasped onto these things even sooner. So we're going to share the prayer that we prayed that really changed both of our lives and how
beautiful it was to realize we were both praying the same prayer. But praying this prayer and I started praying it about five years ago allowed me to reshift my focus on running in my lane. I'm believing that God is a good God who is up to amazing things. And because of that focus, removing marriage from the pedestal, removing the end all be all of like I had to get a husband. It was it repurposed me and
refocused on Jesus fully and how to become more like Jesus. And so because of that, I really truly for the last five years before I met JJ lived an amazing and powered, hope-filled single life. And I fought for those years. I loved those years. I had deep friendships. I took myself out on incredible solo dates. I had never done that before. I started this ministry. I traveled to so many places. I truly look back and I'm like, wow, I was sabbathing. Like me and JJ have been talking
about that a lot. Like I went to Israel. There are so many incredible things I did in my single life that I'm like, wow, I love those five years. And guess what? You can do it too. Even if you're listening, you're like 40 and you're like, well, I haven't really done that. It's still for you. You can still do it. So I'm going to play a clip of my vows actually just a part of it. Because it sets up the stage for this whole conversation and then we're going to share our prayer for
ignition. By definition, the word ignite means to catch fire. It's a word rarely used, but five years ago, after one of my biggest heart breaks of all time, I stepped out in faith with the prayer. I ask God to ignite the heart of the man that is for me, that that man would pursue me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will never forget how in that moment God whispered to my heart, Kate, I hear your prayers. Your pain for all those years has not been in vain. I have been
handwriting a love story better than you can ever imagine just you way. Then one day, after 18 years of dating came you. The skater punk boy with the platinum hair who loved to wear raccoon t-shirts and flew by the seat of his pants. Quite literally the opposite of this type of a fascinista who's a complete planner. And did I mention he's five and a half years younger? Hey, I was skeptical to say the least until the turning point that changed it all. On April 6, 2021,
we had a pivotal moment. I don't know if you remember it. You told me about in a college Bible study discussing the song of Solomon that you were convicted to start praying for your future wife. Specifically, that love would not be awakened until it's time. It turns out two years before my own prayer of ignition, you had already started praying to God. Lord, I want my heart to be ignited for the woman you have for me. JJ, you are proof that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no human
mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him. You see all those other guys I dated. They never even held the candle to hell loving, how compassionate, how servant-hearted, how fun, how kind, and how safe you are. You are the home my heart has been searching for. The one who has seen me at my lowest yet loves me to the heavens and that kind of love, the love that catches new fire for me every single day has given me endless reasons to say thank you.
Oh my gosh you guys the bells. So good. You're great writer. Oh thanks. You really are. You guys, JJ's vows were also insanely good. We'll have to share them at some point. So good. So if you missed it here was my prayer that I started praying, praying five years ago in the wake of one of the biggest heart breaks of my life. If you guys have read my book chapter six of my book, the heart break with Chris, this is when this prayer started. I started praying, God ignite the heart
of the man that is for me, that that man would pursue me through the good, bad, and ugly. Ignite the heart of the man that is for me. Babe what was your prayer? So good. My was a variation of it, which is Lord I want my heart to be ignited for the woman you have for me. So good. Yeah. And oh I we need to tell you guys like the moment this happened I had reshared something about this on Instagram. I think in April or May or something of no, in April, it was April, April six.
I said it in my vows, April of 2021 and JJ respond to it and was like, oh wow, that's interesting. I've never heard anybody use the word ignite before. I've been praying that in my prayer and I was like, wait, what? Like what are you talking about? And so then I started texting him and I'm like, what do you mean? He's been praying this prayer like ignition. And so we got on the phone and I remember just feeling so touched by the Holy Spirit because JJ explained like, yeah, for the last
seven years I've been praying. I want my heart to be ignited for the woman you have for me. Meanwhile, I had been praying God ignite the heart of the man that is for me. Like just such a beautiful Holy Spirit moment. I remember I totally started crying because I was like, what? Like this is happening? Nobody uses the word ignite like that. Like nobody does. And we both were praying. These
prayers. Yeah, it was a really cool. We don't I don't use the word coincidence. I think it was one of the cool, sovereign moments where we really synced and we understood that God was doing something. That was out of our control. That was unannitiated. And really the desire of the prayer is it's based from Song of Solomon. And it's a phrase that they use three times. And it says, do not awaken love until it's time. Do not stir love until it's time. And the question here is like, okay, what does
that mean? Because there's a ton packed into that phrase that we were both praying. And that's what the ignition was based upon. And so the two takeaways from that verse is this the first one, it's a little bit less applicable. But it's actually in terms of relationship. It's intended to speak about two things. One, the fruit and the progress of love between two. Do not awaken it until it's matured,
it's fruitful versus moving too fast. And then the second one, which is kind of funny of the relational is love making. The physical act of love making and you can use your imagination. Do not awaken love, do not do not stir it until we are both filled and satisfied. So you guys can laugh on your own right there. But the second one and the more applicable interpretation for singleness is this. It's a warning. It's a warning that love is so sacred and must not be played with. It stirs
and awakens on its own. If stirred too early, it's capable of great damage. And as a single reading about the passage or as a single in the church, hearing consistently the pleasure, the passion, the benefits of marriage and just seeing it like hyper focus and hyper taught on. We are obviously tempted to desire that more than ever and force that relationship out of impatience. And this is
a stern warning saying do not stir it. Do not force it until it's time. That's right. So good. I mean, the reason why I started praying this prayer is because I had so many guys come towards me really aggressively at the beginning, not aggressively, but like hardcore. You're the best thing I could ever ask for. I want to date you. I could see you as my future wife. I get all these things, all these proclamations. And I was like, great. Sounds awesome. And then like things got a little
difficult or they reviewed more things got revealed about me. And they'd be like, uh, uh, uh, run away. And so my prayer started out of the reality of like, I want somebody to be able to see all of me, including my brokenness, not just what they perceive on the outside. I was like, great and wonderful. But all parts of me, the good, bad and ugly and their heart is ignited to pursue me. Me, myself and I like how I am, how God is for me, even the broken sides of me, even as they
see those, you know, and so that was, that just is what stirred my heart. And I want to, I want to talk to this. Has a lot of people asked, well, this guy, you know, Kate, like he's kind of like half in half out or like he's kind of interested, but I can't really tell. And it's not like he's inconsistent or he's half in half out. Here's the reality. It's likely because his heart is not ignited to pursue
you. And guess what? That is not because you are not worthy or wonderful. It truly is not because you are worthy and wonderful because God created you. Period dot not because of anything else. God created you. You are worthy and wonderful because God created you period. This man's heart is not ignited for me. It's really hard to not make that personal, right? But honestly, it truly, truly could be so many things. It could be that he's just not the best guy for you. And you don't
see that right now. But guess what? God's story is way his meta narrative for our life is way bigger than this moment. This moment where we're like, but I connected we had good dates. Like I don't, I don't understand God. We had our values aligned. I don't understand. There is a bigger meta narrative that God can see. And if this guy is not continuing to pursue you, he's half in half out. It could truly just be he's not the best guy for you. And you're going to not know that
right now, but maybe through time, it will be more clear. It could also be it's just not the right timing. Maybe his heart is just it's incapable of really being ignited for anyone right now. Or maybe Jay-Jay will speak to this in a second. His heart is ignited for the wrong things. And in any of these cases, it doesn't have to do again with your worth or value. But I will tell you, when a man's heart is ignited, it is clear. It's like the guy will jump over mountains to make
it work. And I really believe for true like for a man to truly pursue a woman the way Jay-Jay and I talk about man pursuing woman that his heart needs to be ignited. It cannot be a passive pursuit. His heart needs to be ignited for a woman to to have it go to marriage. Like truly and completely absolutely. And girls, if you catch yourself trying to sell yourself trying to convince him of that, stop. Stop. It's not your job. It's not your job to sell yourself. It's not your job
to provide that spark. That's completely on him. And the reality is that men, here's our issue. You ready? We mistake infatuation for ignition. Yeah. Do not mistake infatuation for ignition. And what's the difference? Well, ignition versus infatuation. Inflatuation is basically you're hyper focusing on the wrong things. And they do excite you. They emotionally and physically they excite you. And that's a hyper focus on the physical. It's a hyper focus on the personality
which in turn leads you to maybe ignore the orange and red flags. It leads you to minimize and justified character concerns. And then here's the biggest one that falls for you. You start to deprioritize spiritual conversations and curiosity. Especially if you know, she is likely not there. You're not going to go there because you don't want to deal with the reality that she spiritually is not what you're looking for. And so then even worse, we take on a
savior mentality where we try to lead her to like salvation. And the reality is that your relationship is not your opportunity to pastor your partner. Yeah. Right. We want to find someone who's running at the same pace as us who challenges us and partners with us. Relationship is just not the time to pastor someone. Yeah. And so ignition on the other hand looks at the fruit of their life. Ignition looks at their character. Ignition looks and is attracted to the Jesus image in them and says,
oh my goodness, that is what I am seeking. That is what I desire. That is the most attractive thing in them. So we need more than ever to have the blinders on for the women who are not what we desire in a life. And we need to have mission to date women who are on mission. That's right. And that's, you know, I think there's a lie out there for many men that they're not going to be physically attracted to their wives. I just, I think there's a big lie out there for a lot of
guys. It was like you're not going to be fit. No. Like first of all, you need a wrestle through that and you need to ask God, like you need to trust that you will be physically attracted to the woman for you. But you need to make the Jesus in them the most attractive thing. Like you need to desire to be most attracted to the Jesus in someone over like what they physically look like.
Yeah. What's going the way more lasting? You guys know that. But I think guys so often, they're like blinded by physicality and just they're, they fear not being attracted to somebody physically. And I don't know. There's more to say on that. But I think I'll tell you what we do. And then listen to this. You're going to laugh and say, yep, we look for the physical checkbox first. And then we go down the list and hope and pray that spiritually they're, they're what we
desire that, you know, personality wise and character wise, they're what we desire. But we try to check the box first of physical attraction. And then we go down the list and hope to God that they fill out the other boxes. Right. So that needs to change. It doesn't need to change. And I would challenge you men on this. One, pray this prayer. I'm about to give you. And two, ask yourself and look in the community. Look at those women who have been around you for a year, a year and a half,
two years who physically you might not have been the most attracted to at first. And then start to be realize and made aware of the beautiful things in their character. I can tell you firsthand, men, if you've been in community for any length of time, you know what I'm talking about. There's a woman who physically maybe does not catch her eye at first. But after six months, a year, a year and a half, you start to see just how consistent she is. Yeah. How selfless she is, how servant
hearted she is, how wise she is. And it just becomes so attractive over time that her spiritual character shines more than anything. And that is something that's worth marrying. Now men, I want to say one thing to the women for the women. This is important for you to. Okay. Because you're praying the prayer, God ignite the heart of the man that is for me. And then you may have a great guy friend who actually does want to ask you out. And he's wonderful. He's steadfast in God.
But you are like completely giving him a no signal because you're like, no, I have this idea of what the guy supposed to look like supposed to do supposed to be. And so your blinders are on. This guy is like, I would take you out. And literally my heart is ignited to be with you. And you are not even giving him an opportunity. So that's a challenge for you as well. Yeah. You use a friend to drop a hint like you can make it very easy and obvious for him to ask you out.
But men and what we'll close with is a prayer. And women, you can pray this too. But the prayer goes something like this. God, Father, help me. Still the waters of romantic love in my life until it is time. Satisfy me, O Lord, in singleness. Do not stir love until it is the right time for the one you have for me. When the time comes, make it clear amongst my community, my counsel, and my spirit. And in the meantime, give me the wisdom to date well, the honor to date
well, the honor of my fellow women and to choose well. Amen. That's so good, baby. Yeah. Thank you. I love that. Yeah. So guys, that's it. The prayer that changed our life, this prayer of ignition. Go out, refocus, check in, start praying this prayer. And we can't wait to see what would happen. All right, we love you guys. We'll see you next week. Bye bye. The Heart of Dating Podcast is created by Kate Warman. It is a part of the Converge Podcast Network. Our incredible
editor is the one and only Scott Carro. Our theme music was developed by the amazing Christian Lidu. If this is your first time listening to the podcast, or if you've never written us a review or ranked us on iTunes, we'd encourage you to do so because it helps us so much to get this podcast into more people's ears. We launch our podcast each and every week on Wednesday. So we'll see you next week.