This episode is brought to you by Shopify, whether you're selling a little or a lot. Shopify helps you do your thing, however you chitching. From the Launcher Online Shop Stage, all the way to the, we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Special Offer, all lower case. That's Shopify.com slash Special Offer. Welcome to the Heart of Dating
Podcast. Hey, it's Kate. I'm so glad you could join us this week as we try to entangle the ever-so ambiguous world of dating as a Christian. Over here on Heart of Dating, we get real as we answer some tough questions and uncover transformative ways to approach Christian dating. Oh, and you better believe we have some laughs along the way because last time I checked, the struggle is hashtag real. You know what I'm saying? Now let's get to the heart
of the matter. Hey you guys, what's up? It's your girl, Kate Warman here and you are listening to the Heart of Dating Podcast. And I'm thrilled because my man, JJ Tomlin, is leading today's episode. You guys, we just came off a series with Rachel Cheryl. We talked all about masculine and feminine nature and how that dynamic plays out in a dating relationship.
And we wanted to follow that up with an episode that is really going to help the men. Ladies, if you're listening right now, this is still going to be a great episode for you, but this episode is especially for the guys. My man, JJ is going to be talking about how to pursue a woman. So ladies, if you want to listen in and be like, Oh, yes, amen. That does definitely work for me. Then go on and listen to this episode, but also share it with a guy friend in
your life who is having trouble knowing how to pursue. And men listening, we are so excited for this episode. You are going to love it. Hey guys, if you are new around here, would you do us a favor and like and subscribe and rate our podcast here on iTunes? If you are watching on YouTube, which is awesome, hey to my YouTube peeps, then you can go ahead
and subscribe and even comment on this post if you want to. But the reason I'm asking for this is because it actually helps me and JJ and our team at her to dating help to create more and more content for you guys. We actually really want to create more content coming up in this next season and season nine coming up soon. But in order to do that,
we have to get the podcast being downloaded and listened to by more and more people. And guess what, if we really want to see kingdom change in the area of dating, people have to actually listen to the things that we're putting out there and have got changed their lives in this area in order for dating to be changed as a whole. So do us a favor and like and subscribe to this podcast, write us a review if you feel so inclined on iTunes
and share it with a friend as well. Okay, without further ado, let's get into this amazing episode with my man, JJ Tomlin. What's up everybody? Hey, hey, it's JJ. Wow. Wow. Well, if you, yeah, if you have noticed already this episode sounds a little bit different. It does. Doesn't it? Why? Well, it's because this one is going to be led by you. JJ. Is that the first time ever that I've ever had somebody really run their own heart of
dating episode? Yes. Are you nervous? No. Oh, why is it? Yeah. Why'd you hesitate? I'll call up. You hesitated. Yeah. Wait, then. Well, are you excited about today? Yes, I am. Because this is a great episode. And there's no one more qualified to speak on it than you might hear. Why is that? Because you can own this content. You did so well. Thank you. Doing this with me. So I know that I'm pumped for more of the guys to get
empowered by you. Why don't we tell them also what you up to on the gram? Oh, yeah. Well, if you guys don't follow me, this is not a shameless plug to say, hey, follow me and subscribe. It's, hey, I actually decided to dedicate my Instagram, my personal Instagram to just serving exclusively young Christian men from 20 to 40 years old who are in their dating journey anywhere from single dating relationship engaged. Yep. And not because
I'm qualified by any manner, it's just because I have a passion and a heart. And as I've started working with Kate, it's really been unlocked. And it's been really, really fun to see all our messaging get really, really well received. I love it. And he may roast me a bit. Okay, it's already begun. I think that's what everybody's most excited for
is all your credit shirt. Roll up the sleigh, the sleeves and get back a cat a little bit because I know on cateness, she definitely roasted me a couple times. And I had people standing up for me. I felt so proud. And now it's time. I did not care. And everything I did, I gave permission for. Yeah. But I'm super excited. Because today I wrote the content. I wrote that one. I'm super, super excited. And I just want
to start with for the men listening, I love you guys. My heart is really in it for you guys. We are the biggest advocates for Christian men. Yeah. I think this episode is going to be really, really fun because it answers a couple questions that we get all the time. All of the time. We really do get these questions a lot. So we're literally going to start off hot the episode today. You already saw an elite that last week was how to pursue a
woman. How to pursue a woman from a man's perspective. Yes. It's good. So the reason why we're speaking about this one today is when I get this question all the time. It's by far the number one one because it's a very, very complicated question. And two, it's when we speak about our story, women and men get really excited about the details of our dates specifically. And they really love the romance and the planning and the thoughtfulness.
And there's always this you guys should teach a master class on how to give dates for guys. And you guys should and we might, but the point is it's there's obviously something going on here. And I just want to start off by saying I was on my dating journey at one point. And I was not always doing the things I did for Kate. There's probably girls in your past that are like JJ, Tom is teaching people how to pursue a woman. You know what? Absolutely.
It's like there are guys who are like Kate warmins dating coach. What are you talking about? Absolutely. And so what happens is when we tell our story, people just assume that we are this way and we've always been this way. And it's absolutely not the truth. So there's nothing that qualifies me for having this conversation is that I've just been doing things lately that I haven't done normally. And I would love to share that with you
guys. And how I got there. Now when we tell our story, I love this part because two things happen specifically for the women. Do you want to walk them through that? Yeah, usually two things happen. They get really excited about the details of our dates, like the romance, the planning, the thoughtfulness. But it usually leads to one of two things. First, it might lead to celebration and encouragement of like, wow, that is so amazing. How encouraging
that there are men who do that to this day? Like that's amazing. I'm so encouraged. They find hope in seeing the way JJ pursued me. They find hope and excitement. Or on the flipside, I see a lot of like kind of hopelessness and also just where are these men? Like sure, great. You got one of the last ones. Like, but how do I find that for me? Does that even exist anymore? There's really a scarcity mentality attached to that one. It's like, but
guys aren't really, no guys are really like that guys like that don't exist. It's like a fairy tale and they don't exist for me. Yeah. If we could print one question and put it on the wall in the heart of dating Facebook page from a woman's perspective is where are all the Christian men? Yes. And how can I find one? Yep. That's it. And we have a philosophy here at heart of dating. And the philosophy is this. We'll just go ahead and answer this
in the front end because it's going to lead into the second one. Yeah. The good Christian men because you're listening to this episode and you're probably saying, that's me. I'm right here. But the reality is good Christian men exist and they are everywhere. They just need to be called up to a higher standard. They need to level up to the next level. Yeah. And the reality is in the keelie seal of men and myself included is we typically think
we're a lot better at things than we actually are including dating. They're like, okay with this status quo. Like I'm pretty good. Pretty good is enough. That's what it's like I'm pretty good. That attitude of contentness will always be our keelie seal and I'm speaking from personal experience. Right. So if you're a man listening to this episode, I'm speaking to you as you I'm with you side by side. This is my number one challenge is, okay, I'm
good enough. Like I don't have to level up. But I did it good enough, but I'm doing things fine enough. Yeah. And the reality is is you'll never be good enough and you're always going to be growing in a journey as a man, which is great because there is no finish line. You've never made it. You've never hit the mountain mountain top. You're always climbing
always loving up and I'm right there with you. And if you're a woman listening to this and there's a guy that you're talking to dating a guy in your community group who you want to level up and peak his interests and just put a little challenge in front of him, send him this episode and say what I would love to hear your thoughts because here is
what happens. There's a few different responses from the guy when we tell our story. And I talk about some of the dates that I did for Kate and I show some of the thoughtful things I've done for her. This is what happens. And I'm saying this because Kate has done the same thing to me. She sent me a Reels Instagrams TikToks videos over a guy who is doing it really, really well for his woman and just putting like that thinking face like, hmm.
Interesting. Yes. What happens? I love walking through this. As a guy when we hear these Reels or stories and watch these videos, we have three main responses. The first one, my favorite one because it's my go to is disproving. I go to this guy's page and I say, how can I justify what this guy is doing and why doesn't not apply to me? Seriously, I go to his page. I say, okay, this guy is clearly a simp. He's super feminine. He has
too much time on his hands. He's not busy. And he doesn't have interest in his own. He's just living to please his wife and not. Or his girlfriend. Yeah. Or his girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Thank you. And so what that what happens then is I looking at him say, that's not the same standard. You're basically like, that's too much. That's cool, but that's too much. I'm disproving. I'm discrediting him. Yes. And excusing myself from the same standard, the same bar, right?
Because or like, that's not me. Yeah. That's not me. That's the next one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, number two, I love this one too, because I do it too. You'll catch that trend. I look at him and I'm like, wow, I'm impressed, but that's not me. I'm like, wow, that's really impressive. Good for him. I call this one spectator mode. It's like football or the Olympics. You just saw this rip athlete do some like amazing feet. And you're like, wow, that was super
impressive. And then I continue to eat my ice cream, play my video game, do whatever I do on the side, you know, and I'm just like a couch spectator like, well, it was really good. Well, very cool. And again, again, exactly. I'm like, that guy's obviously built different in he's a freak athlete. So that doesn't apply to me. Yeah. And that happens right in the dating. It's like the guys are like, that's really awesome. That guy did that. I hear that a lot with
engagements. Okay. When people we haven't shared our engagement story, which we will, that's why it's good to hear this episode before that, because the bar is about to be set real high. But that's okay. Because here's the thing, a lot of people hear that. And they're like, like even guys have heard that that we know. And they're like, wow, that's really impressive. Yeah, he went. He went
, wow, that's not me. And you don't have to do the same things. JJ does exactly. But the point that we're challenging you with mainly JJ is what what it like, what can you do specifically for your woman? How can you really think of her? And maybe you should be going taking it up a notch. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't be eliminating yourself from doing some of those things. And this kind of is tied to the coffee shop controversy that we had, which is we call a lot of
flack for this coffee shop. Just funny, because I'm the one who said this. It's just like, why not level up a little bit more than just taking some money on a coffee shop date? There's literally 10 different ways you can evolve a coffee shop and change in the date and making it fun. Yeah. And the only reason I would say that is like, is she not worth just a little bit more thoughtfulness
and creativity? Yeah. Like that won't hurt you. It's only going to help you. And so number three, the third response when a guy consumes this information and sees somebody else setting the bar, they accept the challenge. Yeah. They accept the challenge. They say, why am I not doing this? And I need to level up. I would say this is a smaller percent of guys. But there are guys that do that. And we love guys. If you're listening, I am about you. Okay. But we want to get you to this
third mindset. We want to get you to saying, wow, I want to accept the challenge. Absolutely. Because you can. Yeah. That's one of them here. Said you are capable and you can. There is, there is a way. And I think what it requires is great humility. Yeah. Great humility. Because you say this, wow, that was super impressive. I thought I was doing dating well, but he just really raised the bar on me. And then you say, I need to one definitely copy him, which is okay.
We encourage that. And to think of unique ways, I can raise the bar for myself. And all it requires is some courage, some humility and some thoughtfulness. Yeah. That's it. I know that's a lot. But I say this as the number one advocate for you, man. I'm like, I'm tired of people being up on us. I'm here to cheer you on. Like I'm your biggest cheerleader in this process and advocating for you because I know you can do it. I know you can level up. Why should they? That's a question
that I'm not sure you might be getting to it, babe, because this is your content. But why should they? If a guy's listening is like, okay, well, why should I level up? Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, like, can't my way of dating be work? Just fine. It's a great question. I think why is what you probably need to start with? Because if you don't figure out your conviction of why, then you're not going to have any gas in your owner. You're
not going to have anything to go off. And I think the ultimate reason of why is when you do get married, and this is what you're training for, this is what you're preparing for. Your second mission on earth, besides serving God is serving your wife. Your second mission on earth behind serving God is serving your wife and laying your life down as Christ laid down his life for his bride, the church, which is us. And so part of this whole and tower foundation of dating
that we're practicing is it's not about you. It's about her, which is very, very countercultural. And we're going to get into this why. But the sooner you can decide that this dating process is actually not about you, it's about her. Then you can begin to level up in your dating experience. And that requires what you said, the courage, humility, I forget the third one, but definitely a lot of humility to say, like, I don't want to just be bare minimum. I don't just want to be a good
boyfriend or a good husband. I want to be a great boyfriend and a great husband. And I've gotten these messages. I've gotten messages from guys who say, man, I want my wife to look at me with Bambi eyes. I want her to love me, respect me as a man, and be so happy that she ended up with me. I'm like, great. That is the attitude you need to level up. We're going to give you a few tips here. As you shape your conviction and men, this is challenging you. Then great.
Because it challenges me every single day. Every single day, my prayer as of late is, God, would you give me godly humility? Would you help me decrease me and serve Kate? Like, I wake up and here's a great tip of advice. It's not people pleasing. It's others oriented. And I get my feeling, my blessing, my fulfillment from God. And I in turn can turn around and say, how can I serve Kate today? Because what's awesome about that is what I do to serve her.
It's not to fulfill me. It's not strings attached. It is complete. Just I've been poured into and blessed and miniature too. How can I go out and do the same? So in the dating process, it's kind of like the training wheels you get to do this in a light version. And it's really, really fun. So here we are, spilling the beans. I'm going to talk a little bit about my journey of how I form my view of pursuing women and why it's so countercultural to what I learned growing up.
And this is going to help shape your conviction. And as we said, before I dated Kate, there's probably a girl or two listening to this saying, where was this, JJ, when I dated him? Yeah. Yeah. And I was on my journey. I was on my journey. And so where are you guys? So the number one most important ingredient is to pursuing a woman is this. This is part of your foundation. You ready? And it's because I love you guys. You just stepped into the heavyweight boxing ring.
Okay, just get ready. I love you. Here it is. For the bandaid off. It's not about you. It's not about you. And if you step out into the dating world and you truly want to pursue your female counterpart, you must surrender this idea of what about me. Because true thoughtfulness and giving is rooted in absolute focus of the other. Any shred of me in the equation turns the act into about you and what you can get out of it, not true pursuit of her. I'll say that again.
True thoughtfulness and giving is rooted in absolute focus on the other. Any shred of me in the equation turns into you and not about her. And it's not true pursuit of her. One of my favorite analogies is when you're giving, if you give the person behind you a free coffee and a coffee shop like you pay for them and you walk out, you're not expecting that person to come chase you outside and give you a thank you and say something to you. Right,
it's just a gift. And that is one of the purest analogies of giving that I've heard. And that's the same thing that we look to reciprocate in a date. Number two, are you ready? Listen, so nervous because you guys are single, you're dating, you're on your journey and you're like, all right, I need to lock down this girl. I really like she's so cute. She liked a couple of my photos on Instagram. We've been chatting it up, chopping it up for a couple weeks. Here we go. Number two,
which I don't advise you need to get on a day ASAP. Yeah, thank you for the clarification from the dating coach. Yes. Number two, you ready? It is not about securing a second date. Or another date, whatever date you're on. Or another date. Yeah, it is not about securing the next date. Yeah. Wow. So what is it about? What is a successful date then? Right, because their whole definition just changed. Well, a successful date is a date that honors her,
our favorite word honor. So what does that mean? What does that word honor mean in the dating context? Well, I think it means making her feel seen, making her feel pursued, making her feel protected, making her feel safe, making her feel cherished, making her feel considered. So good. And guess what? I have great news, guys. This is actually in our DNA. It's actually in our DNA. We just have learned to suppress it in exchange for individual freedom, self satisfaction, self self fulfillment.
Like what can we get out of it? I'll say that again. This is actually in our DNA. We just have suppressed it in exchange for individual freedom, self fulfillment, and self satisfaction. And the truth hurts, guys, because I know I let I had to go through this too. And my I still get teased by certain friends for being a quote-unquote simp because I got a Disney. What's funny about that is she watches football and goes to football games with me. Okay, everybody. And my friends are
like, they don't tease me because I got some good girlfriend. I know. They're all friends that call out JJ. Stop doing that. But I hear the thing is you're going to do things to sacrifice for the other person. Yeah, both sides also. Okay, this doesn't just apply to the guys. But yeah, the the reality is is endating and serious relationships and especially marriages. You are going to change.
And you are going to have to learn how to sacrifice some of your individual interests, autonomy, decision making, hobbies, self satisfaction, and return for serving the other person. So the sooner you learn that, endating the better. And it will, you will reap great rewards. And the follow-up question to that is, is it not worth it for the right woman for that godly woman that godly partner to build with the rest of your life, your family, a ministry, a home,
generations? Is that sacrifice not worth it? Right? Like, or is, are yourself interests more worth it? And that's a big question that you have to answer because some guys, including myself in my past, at certain times in their life, were not ready to sacrifice those things. And if you're not ready to sacrifice those things, then you're not ready to lead. Because that's all your life is going to be moving forward. Like, it's only going to get progressively more of a sacrifice
in your personal life and your hobbies, your interests, your work. Like, what's going to happen when you have kids? What's going to happen when all these things start happening later? It is just your life as a man and as a dad and as a father and as a husband is just sacrificing everything for your kids. And that's the best thing ever for it. Okay, number three. So I've been talking to a lot of guys in the heart of dating community lately about the masculine feminine series.
And this point is for them, I have said it briefly and I've kind of pointed to this episode. So there's a lot of guys listening on the edge of their seats that are initially not going to like this, but I promise once I unpack it, it will make sense. Number three, you got to work for it. You have to work for it. That's right. Because I'm seeing a lot of desire for the women to reciprocate, take the initiative, give effort in dating, which I'm not, we're not talking about that.
And I get it. I, I desire the same thing. A woman who gave served reciprocated, took initiative, gave a lot of effort. That's the dynamic that we're taught now is that the woman, like kind of babies a man, right? Well, in a way, like she's like, I, she does a laundry. She does the food. She, he gets home from a long day of work and she's like, oh, honey, put up your feet. Let me get you set a cold glass of water. Well, I'm talking about in the dating process. Uh huh. And you're right. That is
taught, but in the dating process is where it starts. Yeah. And that's what guys want to, they want a woman that does those things. Well, we want reciprocation. Like we want to look in the mirror and all of our efforts and anything that we do be matched backwards. Like if we could date and we play in one day to week and we communicate this many times, the next week, the girl reciprocates and gives
the equal amount of effort back, right? Which is funny because I did the same thing until I realized that was just me wanting to be served. And whatever I did, whatever I served, whatever data I planned, I took a little note, a little mental note of and I looked to see where it was reciprocated. And that's what revealed to me that, wow, when I gave and I served and I planned, it was to get what I could get back and return. And the reality is that pursuit takes work and effort and we have
to embrace this with no strings attached. And a lot of guys say, well, that's just easier for the woman. We can we get shafted. We get the hard part. And what's funny about that is that is actually the the man and us and the weakness of us who's looking for the easier way. Because that's what we want. We want the easier way. But I dare to ask you guys, what if we wanted the better way, even if
it was harder? What if we desired to do dating the better way? And the sooner we embrace this reality that we have to work and give effort, the sooner we can level up as the man in the dating game. And so for those guys who love to ask, where is this in scripture? Hey, everybody, we love that question. I know. We welcome it. Where's this in the Bible, though, Kate? I'm like, well, first of all, dating was in the Bible, but we can take a lot of principles that we do know about
and that we practice in dating and look in the Bible for that. So yes. Yeah. Well, let's talk about this guy named Jacob. You remember him? Why? And Genesis? Jacob. Yeah. So Jacob wanted a wife and he set his eyes on Rachel. And he said, that looks like a great wife. I will do anything it takes. Anything it takes to marry that woman. So with that attitude, he worked hard in the fields for his uncle. And after seven years, he finally arrived on that wedding day and married her and woke up
the next morning. And it wasn't even the woman he wanted. It was Leah. Rachel was still standing there. And he was like, he was like, oh, I'm sorry. So what did he do? He worked another seven years, another seven years, and he worked and worked and worked. And this is not like the cohabitation. He was getting friends with benefits on the side of while he while he waited. He wasn't, it was he worked, worked, worked for 14 years for his wife plus an extra one, which we're not
encouraging here. So it's just funny because as you start to look through the Bible and you look at these stories, man is built to work. Man is really built to work. We're not built to be on the sideline. We're not built to watch and spectate. In fact, when we do, we actually get ourselves in to a little bit of trouble. I mean, look at David in the springtime when he was in that war. What happened? Her name is Bashiba. So, okay. So that was really good. I hope, men, my prayer there
is that we're encouraging you and challenging you to take a position of humilding. So maybe I'm not as great at dating as I thought I was. And those were some core principles to form your foundation. Now we're going to talk briefly about the how to have a great date. Right? What are the steps to having a great date? And especially in the beginning, these are four quick steps for you guys to write down. If you're not doing these, then they should not be a question or maybe these are
imperative. Yeah. It's a great word imperative. So step number one, you ready? Call it a date and not a hangout. That's right. I know we've talked about this and it can be a little daunting because we've been beat up for a beat for being direct as of late. But women really, really appreciate it. And I think you can communicate, hey, is this a date in a firm way, but also like a kind way. It's not like, hey, you want to go on a date like aggressive. Right? It's, hey, I would love to take
you on a romantic date. How does that sound to you? Or you don't have to add romantic in there. You could just say, hey, I've been really enjoying getting to know you and I would love to continue to do that. Would you be open to going on a date with me sometime? That's a lot better. I would do that one. Okay. Step number two, the date is communicated at least 24 hours in advance, at least. Not I'm guilty here. Not the morning of. Do not communicate what the date is and about the date
the morning of even worse like two hours before the day. Oh my gosh. So what's the plan? You've immediately lost so many points in so many women's book if you are doing that. Even spontaneous women are like, and I think it's more of a respecting of their time. And Bella's, I know you can do this. I was not a Google girl, Google calendar guy until I'm at Kate and I quickly changed that because she was busy and I really wanted to respect her time and respect our time together.
Step number three, deliver and be thoughtful of her. This is part of that, you know, focus on her that we talked about earlier where you are desiring to make your feel safe, make your feel cherished, make your feel seen, make your feel protected. Like this comes into playing the little things like your first date saying, Hey, I would actually love to, if you're on a dating app saying,
Hey, I would love to take you on a date sometime. But if you want to maybe do an intro phone call or FaceTime to make sure that we're both real and not being catfish and to make sure that you feel safe and comfortable with the situation, we can do that as well. Yeah. Do you see how thoughtful that was? That's not something that we're really taught. But I love, love, love putting yourself in their shoes and just saying, How can I make your feel really, really safe and thoughtful of?
And that will go a long, long way. Yeah. And step number four, my favorite one, because I was not good at this and I really, really had to change is own the follow-up in the direction. So after the date, regardless of how it went or if there's going to be another one or you don't know, you own the follow-up and say, Hey, I just want to thank you for a wonderful time.
You're a really amazing girl. You can affirm them if you there are things that sit out to you that you want to affirm and you don't even have to ask her if you want to ask her out and say, I would love to see you again, then you can. And if you don't know, that's okay. Just tell her that you can look forward to hearing from me soon. I'd love to follow up with you. How does that sound?
I even would give them an actual date. I will be reaching out to you tomorrow or I will definitely reach out to you this week because soon can mean a lot of things that could also mean that you're never going to hear from them again. That's true. That's true. Well, if you really want to, yeah, if you really want to level up, say you will hear from me by tomorrow. Yeah, I'd be like,
okay, wow. Yeah. Let's see. Because I think as a guy that you just put an accountability tracker out there and you best follow up by tomorrow or else, you're not in many of your word. I'm just kidding, but seriously, I'm serious. Yeah. So in closing, my challenge for my men is no matter how great you think you are at dating. I'm challenging you to level up. And like I said, the funny part is guys, I am like subject number one for this. I always think I'm better at stuff
than I actually am. But the funny thing about dating specifically is we're all running around thinking that we're actually really good at dating. And the fun part about this challenge is even if you are great at it or if you're really poor at it, the challenge is still there. There's always room to level up. Yeah. Always room. And the sooner you get a taste of that, the better you will be set not just for dating, but for relationship, engagement and marriage. Yeah. Now for the ladies,
is there anything that you want to say to them? Yeah, ladies listening who are hearing this and going, Amen clapping, sending it all to their guy friends. That's awesome. But also you have to believe that these kinds of guys exist. And you have to start by praying for them, encouraging them and changing your belief system that they are out there. Okay. Because if you don't, then you are just going to live in a self-affilling prophecy and it won't actually help uplift the men to step
up to be this kind of man that pursues a woman in this way. Okay. The best thing you can do is pray for these guys, encourage these guys and start believing that they are out there because there are so many guys. It's like a coach. Babe, I can't believe I use so many sports analogies though. This is because of JJ. But it's like that coach who like sees the kid on the field and the kid is like, you could tell he's got some talent, but he is just getting in his own way. And the coach sees
something in him and he calls out the goals in him. He calls him up and calls out the goals. And it's exactly what that little boy or girl needed to then be like, I can do this. I think I can. I know I can't, right? Like I can do it. And so there are so many guys out there that exist like that. And what would make them feel more empowered that ever is having women that don't just tear them down and constantly complain that these guys don't exist, but women that actually
delight in them and empower them and actually believe in them. Okay, so can we be the women that believe in guys no matter how many guys who have that have ghosted you, how many guys that have let you down? Because sure, I also have many of those stories too. But the more that you hold on to those and live in that negative mentality, the less we are going to actually have men that are going to raise up. So that's my challenge to you. Another challenge is to place yourself in circles
and community where these men exist. Okay. And so if you don't have a single friend in your life that is married, that is married to an awesome man, you need to meet some other married couples because that's a problem. But if you have a friend that's married to an awesome man that is the kind of guy that we're talking about here, you have to spend more time around them. You need to
be around them and not because you want to marry that guy. Obviously he already married, but because you want to start believing, wow, I'm not going to settle for anything other than this. And these kinds of guys do exist. One million. It has helped encourage me so much. It has helped make me say, wow, these guys are out there. And I love being around it. Okay, because it encourages
me that it exists. That is so good. And for the men, it's actually the same principle. If you don't have men in your life who are dispying this, which I did not necessarily at least my growing up in childhood, then you need to find men. Yes. Because my core philosophy is like these men are everywhere. These good Christian men are everywhere. They just need to be called up and shown somebody to imitate. I was reading and I think it's Philippians four. And Paul is talking about
being great imitators of great leaders in the community. He actually said that. And so we have Christ, but Christ is like it can be hard with our head and our heart and our eyes to really connect with him. So we also have great community and great men in our community community that we're encouraged to imitate. Yeah. So find those men. And I have a parting thought. You ready? I cannot believe you just use the sports analogy. I'm so proud of you. I was really good too.
Wow. Were you that little girl on the softball fuel? Who got maybe now I was always good. I was actually actually did play softball though. I played a lot of sports, but I wasn't very good at them anyway. So I love this because I was I'm reading meaning of marriage. So you'll hear me quote this one a lot. I can't take credit. I read it already. Yeah, but this was just one step one quote that stuck out. Yeah. So if love and marriage is not natural what he walks through
and it's as difficult as hitting a fastball in the big leagues. It's definitely not going to come natural right? As up to maybe those few freak athletes. There's a few people to find that get this perfectly. You can hit a hundred mile per hour fastball. So for the guys listening, guess what? For the rest of us, common men, including myself, what do all those guys in the big leagues have in common? Common? Well, they have hours and hours and days and days and years and years
in the gym and the batting cage and the field taking you know reps after reps after reps. So we have to get our butt into shape. And this is where it starts. This is our training ground for marriage. And I hope that helps. If you want to hit that hundred mile per hour fastball in marriage, this is where it starts. You're in the high school and the minor leagues right now and grind you get out practicing, practicing, practicing. So I hope that gives you guys a taste to level up
and just know that we are your biggest advocates. You're we're your biggest cheerleaders. I am right there with you preaching the same message in the mirror every single morning. I fail all the time. Kate can tell you that right away. And this is the only thing that has really changed me. And I got around guys who challenged me to level up. Yeah. And that was the fundamental change of my life. So I hope this challenges you guys. Well, close and prayer. And we hope you guys have
a wonderful day. Jesus, thank you so much that you came down and you died to the point of a slave and you lay down your life for your bride. I hope as men, we get a taste for the humility, for the sacrifice for what it really, really, really takes to serve our bride. Lord, let us practice this and dating and relationships today. Let us remove any sense of what about me and learn
to truly lay down our lives for one another. We thank you, Jesus, that you are our portion, you are our prize, that you fulfill us, that you were demons, and that we can look to you for all the love we can fill up our love bucket with. So we pray this in Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Thanks guys. Bye bye. Good episode, honey. Thank you, honey. Good job. If it went really bad, you guys can blame it on me. And then if it really did not go really well, then we have a few
surprises coming for you guys. We'll see you guys next week. Bye bye. The Heart of Dating Podcast is created by Kate Warman. It is a part of the Converge Podcast Network. Our incredible editor is the one and only Scott Carro. Our theme music was developed by the amazing Christian Ladou, special shout out to Andrii Maga and Gabriella Asperu, who make the show
possible each week and help to keep me safe. If this is your first time listening to the podcast, or if you've never written us a review or ranked us on iTunes, we'd encourage you to do so because it helps us so much to get this podcast into more people's ears. We launch our podcast each and every week on Wednesday. So we'll see you next week.