Welcome to The Heart of Dating Podcast. Hey, it's Kait. I'm so glad you could join us this week as we try to entangle the ever-so ambiguous world of dating as a Christian. Over here on Heart of Dating, we get real as we answer some tough questions and uncover transformative ways to approach Christian dating. Oh, and you better believe we have some laughs along the way because last time I checked, the struggle is hashtag real. You know what I'm saying?
Now let's get to the heart of the matter. Hello, hello everyone. Welcome back to The Podcast. I'm your host, Kate Warman, and I'm so excited. You're here listening today, whether you've been around for a long time or you're brand new here, I just love our heart of dating family. Speaking of being new around here, have you gotten connected all the different ways that you can in this heart of dating community? Because if you found us through the podcast,
that's awesome, but the podcast is just one of the ways that you can get connected in this amazing heart of dating community. We actually have a massive Facebook community of now over 9,000 members, single Christians doing life together over on Facebook, and you can find that group by going to Facebook.com forward slash Heart of Dating, clicking to join our private Facebook community, but make sure you answer all of the questions so we can admit you into our incredible community.
Also over on Instagram, y'all, we have a lot going on over on Instagram at Kateness at Heart of Dating. We got a lot of amazing dating advice for you that we give out each and every week as well as some laughs, okay, because we got to keep it real. We got to admit that sometimes Christian dating is weird.
And then over on TikTok at at Heart of Dating, we have been living it up on TikTok. We're trying our hand over there on TikTok, and I'm telling you, one year ago, I said I would never go on that app because that was just not for me and I was too old. But now here we are doing TikTok jam so come and join us over on TikTok.
Guys, we are so excited to announce that our School of Dating Mentorship program that we just launched last week is now closed. We actually sold out in just a few days, and we are so excited to mentor the people in this program for the next eight weeks.
DJ and I yesterday at church, we were just praying over each and every person's names, and we are just so thrilled and honored and we are like God, whatever you want to do through us, we just are open. We want to stay really surrendered to this process so we can help people, however you want to help them, Lord.
And so we are so excited, but I want to tell you something this program sold out way quicker than we even thought it was going to sell out and we are so honored and so blessed. But if you didn't get in this round and you want to get in the next time and you want to get in at the best price, the lowest price possible, you need to join our wait list. And you can do so very easily just by texting the word wait list to 214 225 7772. That is my number. Okay, it's wait list to 214 225 7772.
And then what we'll do is as soon as it launches again this fall, most likely this October, we will let you know in advance so you can get the best possible offer, the cheapest offer out there. So, but that's only going to happen to our wait list people. So join our wait list. We are so excited. We're honestly just honored and we can't wait to do this together.
All right, last week on the podcast, we talked about attachment wounds and anxiety and knowing our attachment woundings that typically show up in childhood and then they start in childhood and then they continue throughout our lives until we recognize them.
We have compassion for them and we start to heal them and heal the patterns that make us show up certain ways in the area of love. And so today on the podcast, JJ and I in tandem with last week's episode wanted to go into something that relates to attachment woundings and how we show up in level lot.
And so today we're talking about triggers and trauma and yeah, so what do you do when you are in a relationship and you know you have a lot of past trauma or what do you do if you're dating so when you find out about their story, you find out there's a lot of past trauma there.
I'm telling you a lot of guys that dated me in the past found that out and they're like, whoa, this girl's been through some stuff, you know, so how do you respond? What do you do? How do you respond in moments of trauma in moments of triggers? What is too much in a relationship and what is what's healthy and how do we balance all of those things? And so today we talk about trauma and triggers and we we talk about moving through triggers and how to even know if you are triggered.
What are some signs of being triggered? We just talk a lot about understanding our bodies so we can better understand how we're showing up why we're showing up that way and then from a place of deep understanding and knowing shift our patterns.
So we talk about that today. We will a lot to say on it and we are so excited. Last thing if you guys didn't know we have a video podcast on YouTube and we are so thankful for you guys showing up every week on the video podcast on YouTube commenting all the things so keep doing that. We have been loving it and it's a fun new way that we get to bring this podcast to each week.
All right guys so that further ado let's get into the episode all about triggers and trauma. Hey, hey everybody welcome back to the podcast. It's Kate and Jay. Hey, babe. Guys want to know something funny today is that I don't have my contacts in so I'm blind at the moment. And you would know if you're watching on YouTube. Okay, so you should watch the podcast on YouTube because we have a YouTube podcast now. I think you look cute in your glasses. I know the reflection.
The reflection is going to be weird. It will make me look awkward this whole video. So we're going to go blind. Wait, they haven't seen you in glasses. Have they never seen you? They're like so magnifying. Okay, whatever. I met you at the gym this morning. I was like, I'm in my glasses. They're like binoculars. I'm like, you okay? I am a little blind. Well guys, we had so much fun last week talking about attachment woundings and anxiety.
And so many of you really resonated with that. Actually funny enough, we read our small group recently. And I just come to realize that again, not a lot of people know about attachment styles and attachment wounds. And I will say it once I'll say it again. I'll say it to I'm blue in the face. I'm blue. I'm a daddy, but I will say it to I'm blue in the face that I think it's one of the most powerful tools we can use in relationships. So today, babe, what are we talking about?
We're talking about trauma and triggers in the relationship. Yeah, and this can happen like even in dating too. So you can be triggered and your trauma may come up even in the early stages of dating. So it's really good to know what your trauma is, aka listen to last week's episode, but also understand your triggers and why they come up.
So today's content actually is just a, you know, tip of the iceberg of things that we actually speak about in our program, our mentorship program, school of dating, school of dating, which is we at the doors are closed. Now the program is open. And we are so excited for these next eight weeks with all the amazing people who signed up. And so it sold out so quickly, which is awesome.
It was awesome. I didn't go public really before we filled it out. So we will be doing more programs. Yeah, it's not on one time thing. We'll probably do it in the fall after we get married. Come back with fresh new vision as married people. It's going to be so changed. So changed. No, our content is going to be classic Christian content. We thought marriage is going to be awesome. It's so hard. I literally is. I want to punch them in the face sometimes, but that's marriage.
Well, that isn't far from the truth. What if you feel that way in dating? Marriage is so I love marriage. What if I feel that way now? Oh, yeah. Now you know those posts are like, I literally have to wipe his butt. It's so disgusting, but I love it. Oh, my God. All right, guys. Calm down. That was dramatic. That's what that's that's not me. Oh, my God. The objective of today. Yes. Is if you are experiencing triggeredness, that's like that fighter flight.
Fight flight or even flee. Yes. Fight fighter. Fight flight. Sorry. I'm like, isn't that synonymous? Fight, flight or freeze. Freeze. Yes. And you're in that light. Yes. Or if you're on the other. What? That's true. What's happening? Well, I'll give a good analogy for that later. Okay. But or if you're on the other side, like I wish I could have had this episode about a year and three months ago. No, no, sorry. A year ago. It was right at the three month mark.
I wish someone would have been like, Hey, you're going to need this. Oh my gosh. Seriously. Well, that's a reality. For me, I revealed last week that I lean anxious in my attachment wounding. And for me, what I've learned about myself, I've really learned to heal and manage my attachment wounding in the early stages of dating. So in the beginning, like in the dating phase, but as soon as a relationship, as soon as it goes to the relationship phase, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like that's where the stuff for me gets harder. And so this is like the prairie dogs like popping out. It's like for a superman. Can I? And they're all popping out. Wow. Okay. So I think right now we, this is for anybody who's found themselves triggered in a relationship and just doesn't know how to manage their triggers for anyone who's been in a relationship with somebody who has a lot of triggers. It's for both, which is a lot of people.
Okay. Even if you're listening right now, you're like, I don't have many triggers. I will be honest. As soon as you start dating a lot of times, that's when the triggers start coming up. Did mine took like a year? Yeah. If you might, mine just started surfacing probably. I mean, there's a lot of like introspective ones and suppress ones, but they finally started surfacing probably a couple months ago.
Yeah. The first time, like definitely first time, literally my life, where I like demonstrably was like upset and angry. I wanted to like, you know, I was just like, the Hulk. Wow. Yeah. I was, yeah. Anyway. So what I can be vulnerable to. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So let's talk about what what being triggered means.
So this term is usually used to refer to an experience of having an emotional reaction to something that most likely originated from past traumatic events or situations or a time in your life specifically. And it's really important to realize when you are feeling triggered, which we're going to tell you like how you know you're triggered. But when you're triggered, typically it's not always just because of what's happening in front of you.
Usually it's from things in the past that are resurfacing. Yeah. Harder things that happened that are coming back up because those harder things remind you of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being abused, of being whatever it is. And it may even be small and maybe like small, but big to you. Okay. Triggers don't have to come from trauma. That is just big tea trauma. There's actually big tea and little tea trauma.
I would say like like tea time like like like spill the tea and you're like big tea. Like that's a big thing. No. What do you mean big tea? Big tea like trauma starts with the word tea. Oh. I thought you meant like spill the tea like big tea trauma is like. Oh my gosh. Get a big old sauce. Wow. Okay. No. Wow. So what does it mean? It's gonna be a lot of trauma about that impact. Wow. No. So big tea trauma as in capital letter T trauma. Big trauma is big events in your life.
A divorce, an abusive situation, being abandoned. Big tea traumas, you know, obviously sexual abuse, any kind of big tea being cheated on or being lied to in a really big way betrayed. Those are big tea trauma moments. Maybe somebody in your life dying. And then little tea trauma moments are little events that pile up through time. And so there's a lot of people. Maybe you're listening. You're like, I grew up in a decent household. I don't have a lot of big tea trauma.
Like I don't really get triggered. Well, you still could get triggered. It just may be from little tea trauma moments that it builds up through time. Why are you laughing? I can't stop thinking about the tea. Oh my. And little tea is like the play set. You're having like a little cat, little glass of tea talking about something. Maybe we're talking something serious. I can't stop thinking about it. Okay. Just can we come up with another word? No. Little tea. I've always referred to it.
I think about like little people. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, you can think about that. I just a lot of big trauma moments. Big trauma, little trauma moments. There we go. Little trauma moments are those moments that you had shame about something. Or you didn't perform as though you wanted to. Or a friend like didn't want to be friends with you anymore. And you moved on from it, but it was like a small moment that really hurt you. Those are so funny.
Yeah. Because I think that is the ones that we undermine. Yeah. And you literally feel it that dip in your heart, that dip in your spirit, that little dip, and you're like, hmm, like that really hurt. Like, and it was little. Yeah. Well, I talk about this in my book, chapter two. I talk about this. It's the chapter's called Here I Am. I talked about going to onset years ago, and I did this exercise called the window pane.
And I had to draw actually the six most painful memories I could remember from childhood. And the window pane, P.A.I.N. You know, but it was like, get it. Okay. So like, I had to draw like six boxes like a window pane, but it was window pane. So like each one contained a moment of pain for my childhood. And it was interesting because she encouraged us to like write down anything that came to mind, like anything that we remembered.
And I remember looking back at some of the things I drew, not all of them were like big moments, like huge things. You know, and I did have some huge things in my childhood. Some of them were smaller. One of them, I referenced in my book, thank you for rejecting me. I say, I talk about my aunt, who made fun of my smile when I was like around 10 years old. And she basically was like, Caitlin, why are you smiling so fake? Like stop smiling so fake.
And it's like this little moment that I just remember, like words spoken over me. And I already felt insecure about my body because I had my period early on. And it was just a little moment, you know, wasn't a big trauma moment, but it was a little moment that I can still remember. That caused me more, more insecurity. Like I already felt insecure and it was like somebody out loud when I was only 10, was verbalizing and reaffirming my insecurity and that stuck for years.
Yeah. Yeah, it's so good. And it's so funny. I just, there's probably your listening and without even thinking about it, you probably can go back to something that really hurt your feelings. Like when you're from the age four to 13 years old, that probably shouldn't have, but it really just hurt your feelings. Yeah. And so trigger means something in front of you happen, but it triggered a response that's basically from the past. Yeah, from the past, like past trauma that has been stored.
That's coming back. And so that's the response that resurfaces. So triggers literally triggering that past sense. And so I think you have some symptoms here. Yeah, some things. How do you know you're triggered? Because I mean, a lot of times we don't have the language. We don't, we're not taught in the church. Like here's to know how you're triggered, you know, but you were saying this earlier, babe, like surely people in the Bible were triggered. Oh my gosh.
Kate and I wanted to do, I thought it would be funny to walk through an exercise and be like, where in the Bible and stories do you think there are stories where people were triggered? Yeah. And I'm definitely curious to hear if you're in YouTube comment, those. Yeah. Because I'm sure we missed one. I thought of instantly was Saul with David playing this, the harp in his lounge.
Like, like he just throws a spear at him and like tries to kill him because he knew eventually he was going to be coming after his throne. But like there's definitely something in that moment, right? That just triggered this, just a rational, a logical. E rational. Yeah, crazy response. Yeah. In him, the other one, you know, you can really argue about this when Peter cutting off the ear of the Roman soldier as they came to arrest Jesus.
Now that was a little different because I think he's been more loyal and defending but still like lunging out with that out asher violence. Yeah. I think the whole Bible is filled with these stories. And obviously we don't have the childhood of these people necessarily. Yeah. They go through it. And I see, I think what is most important is you see a scenario where, especially externally, but this happens internally. We'll get to it externally. We'll people vividly react.
Like that's way out of line of what's happened. Like the response, like definitely it just outweighs. Well, what you're saying to, there's a difference between being triggered and acting in your trigger. You can be triggered. But if you, as you become healthy and aware of your triggers, you may not necessarily react in them. Yeah. You then have the tools to say, okay, what's going on? How do I manage and control this trigger? That's a great verification.
Because I may say to you like, I'm triggered, but I'm not activating like the trigger. Like I'm not moving into it. But it only could happen through awareness and through understanding. Because once we get to know ourselves better, know where our triggers are coming from, then we can better learn to have compassion for ourselves, take ownership for them. And then we have the tool to like be able to stop the trigger from continuing. That's a great clarification.
Yeah. Trigger doesn't always mean acted on. Yeah, especially acted on in like a uncontrollable way. And the examples you gave, I just want to clarify, it doesn't always mean like when you're triggered, you're acting out violently. Yeah, okay. Yeah, because that it can happen, but you may, it may be different for different people. So how do you know you might be triggered in a triggered state? So some, some of these are just feelings you might have. You might feel very overwhelmed suddenly.
Your heart may start racing. You may feel a lot of anger, a lot of immediate sadness. You may start feeling really lonely or feel abandoned suddenly. You may feel very frustrated or irritable all of a sudden. You may feel a little bit out of control, like out of body, out of mind. You may suddenly feel a lot of pain, even pain like within your body. Shortness of breath that comes with the racing heart. You might feel like tension, just like suddenly your body completely tenses up.
Great book called The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Vanderkulk. And very amazing, interesting book, very thick, meaning like it's very heady. It's not like you're not going to read it in one sitting. But it is. But it's so good to get talks about the mind body connection. Yeah. It really goes through like how your body will actually even show you that you might be in a triggered state or or that your, my friend, meek guy does my a fascia release.
And my a fascia is like the inner connected tissue that connects your bone to your muscle. And so when you get a massage, unless your fascia is also relaxed, your massage won't last that long. It will go back to feeling stiff because you need to relax and stretch out and work through the layers of the fascia.
And through the work she does, she often really helps people with different trauma, honestly, because your body keeps the score in terms of the your fascia, like the energy, the pain is stored within it. And it will feel really grainy. Anyway, I can go on and on about it. Oh, yeah. Super interesting. Well, it's, you know, for me and for you, I'm curious and we'll hop in what it looks like, like the common triggers.
But I feel the few times that do you really, really feel it is, I let it feel like the, a boiling. Like in my heart, it's like a quick, like a quick boil, like a hot. Yeah. Yeah. And my chest, yeah. Yeah. And then it goes my head. And then I'm like, yeah. That's your whole moment. I know, but it's scary because you, you just lose all rationale. Yeah. Like you just lose, like, it's just like tunnel focus. It's like the horseboy in nursing. It's just like, so, and it's scary.
So I think that's definitely smart to be in wise to be. It's why it's so important to know when you're triggered. You have to be conscious for sure. But there's so many people that never go their whole life and just it becomes second nature to be triggered. It's, and then becomes like a part of their personality that they are just that way. And that is so complacent. And I believe not how God created us because we should always be moving and growing towards being more like him.
But, you know, it's like the phrase, old dog can't treat, teach him new tricks. And, you know, I don't believe that I believe that we all have the opportunity. No matter how old you are listening, no matter how long you've been acting in your triggers and haven't felt in control of them, it is never too late to start on the road of recognizing that this is not working for you. And there is a different way and you can take your power back. For sure.
Let's talk about some of the ways that commonly trigger people. And this is all very specific to you. Like there could be more than this list. But do you want to start reading it? Yeah. Somebody rejecting you. That's one for sure. And I also feel like it doesn't have to be, it could even be like a nice rejection. But it's just rejection itself, no matter how it's communicated. Because of what we attached to the rejection and what it exactly. How it happened.
You can have a professional communicator on the other end and gently lay it on. But it's still rejection. And people can still have a traumatic response. Yeah. Yeah. Someone threatening to leave you again, kind of ties back to abandonment too. And that is especially hard in a situation of conflict. Yeah. Like, or even a threat of somebody leaving, right? Yes. Like, I will leave you or in conflict, they walk out the door and slam it.
Most people in my experience would be pretty upset in that moment. Oh, yeah. But there will be people where that is like, they will break down. I'm one of those people for sure. I know. I know. Well, finally, we have enough trust that if I did have to leave, like go on the walk. I know I'm coming back. Yeah. But I think that's probably one of the most difficult things about relationships is you're not married. Yes. Like, you're not going to be sleeping in bed that night.
And when you're not engaged or like, right by engagement, it's really hard to know. Yeah, it's true. Because there's still a back door. Very cool. So I think that's a really good point. Somebody discounting you that, or this one you can expand on somebody discounting or ignoring you. Yeah. Saying, you don't really believe that, do you? Or that can't be true. Yeah. Do you really feel that? Yes. Oh my gosh. That's so hard.
And the counter, should we talk about like one antidote to that is validating. We talked about the self-honored community. Oh, yeah. We're going to talk about it more next week. Okay. So, I think that's the point that antidotes to these. Yeah. And fighting fair and conflict and creating safe space. This would be a great one. Yeah. So good. Someone being unavailable to you. Someone giving you a disapproving look. Someone blaming or shaming you. Someone being judgmental or critical of you.
Someone being too busy to make time for you. Someone not seeming happy to see you. That can be a trigger for people. Someone coming on to you in a needy way or even in a sexual way. It could be a trigger for you. Obviously, you know, especially based on your past there. Someone trying to control you. Yeah. All of these, none of these are good things. Per se. Like, I mean, some of them are like understandable. Someone blaming or shaming you. Not a great thing. Someone trying to control you.
Not a great thing. You know, but so, but these are things that could start a trigger. So I want to quickly talk through what goes on during a trigger. I mean, I'm just in case you guys don't really know what's happening. You're talking about like biologically. Yeah, in our body. Oh, Dr. Kate. I'm not a doctor, but I have learned so much about this. It's fascinating. I'm one of those people that like I love to know the why behind stuff. I'm like, oh, I want to know how that works.
You know, versus just doing it. I connect more with knowing the why versus. You're definitely that kid who's like, why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Yeah. I love the why. I love the why. So, okay, let's talk about the nervous system because when you are activated in a trigger, your nervous system is being activated. So the sympathetic part of the nervous system acts as the body's accelerator, the sympathetic nervous system. This is your flight or fight response or freeze.
It moves blood to the muscles for quick action. The adrenal grant glands even may start to secrete some adrenaline, which also increases the heart rate. So this is that moment of like something is happening. Like, and like, your body literally, like, you may be in the moment. Like, I don't, if you, for me, it's like all of a sudden, something happened. I feel my whole body changes because it's that adrenaline being pumped out. I start to sweat. I definitely do. I start sweating a lot. I know.
I start my heart races. I'm like, oh, like narrow. Yes. The sympathetic. It's like, activate. I'm like, oh, here it is. Just like a light switch got turned on. Oh, yeah. The other part of your nervous system is the parasympathetic nervous system, which acts like the break. So the sympathetic is like the body's accelerator. Then the parasympathetic is like the breaks. And it, that helps you to slow down your heart rate. It relaxes muscles and it allows your breathing to go back to normal.
It's interesting when you think about this. And Bessel Vander Kolk in that book talks about this as well. If you've ever seen a black and white movie, have you ever seen one? I mean, I know you grew up with black and white. Oh my God. So even wasn't the OC that O C was in my phone. Oh, you didn't. Dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna. Never heard that. All right, everybody. Go to Instagram to see what we're talking about right here.
Because J.J. has no idea what the OC is. And it ruined my dreams. Oh my gosh. So a black and white movie. The point of that is like if you watch it, like, or if you watch something on mute, the interesting part of this is that you can almost tell the state of a relationship between two people just by their facial expressions and their body language. So you can kind of tell like what's going on just based on what they're looking like.
Like their bodies are looking like without even hearing any words. Yeah. Because our bodies are speaking. Whatever energy is happening within us, you know. So if our sympathetic nervous system is activated, like you will see that in the facial expressions in the body language, you will be able to tell if someone is shutting down because they're triggered. Their arms will start to close in. You'll see there are like shoulders kind of they're starting to get more hunched.
Like you see the body change. Yeah. Then when you see someone open and feeling connected and there's more of a sense of openness, there's more leaning in like you can tell all that just from even a black and white movie. You can look at somebody in a restaurant and almost tell like if they're into it or not. You can see it every day. I mean, you watch sports like sports.
You can't hear the coaches on the sideline, but you can tell, you know, you watch players like tennis or golf where you can't hear them on a mic. Yeah. But you just read their body and you're like, okay, they're pretty heightened. A crazy realization for me, and we'll talk about this next week, was that if you experience that heightness, your physical body cannot calm down. That's sympathetic nervous system. Yeah. It cannot kick in and calm down from 20. It takes about 20 to 60 minutes.
Not seconds, not, you know, snap, it's like 20 to 60, even 60 minutes to calm down from a fight or flight reaction or freeze. Yeah. So honestly, this was so important because I'll be honest. You might as well just say goodbye to resolution and if you're not calm down. Yeah. Until that 20 minutes or 60 minutes or however long it is is up. Like, and they are, they bam, had that trigger.
Yes. You might as well just give up on resolution for that quick amount of time because it's not going to happen. And for me, we were talking about this as well. There's some people out there who, I think it is control, but you want to resolve stuff immediately. Yeah. Like something happens. All right, let's sit down and talk about it. That's also probably rooted in control because you need it to be okay. Right. And you're not okay with it not being okay.
But you have to be not, you have to be okay with it not being okay for at least 20 minutes. Yes. Like they physically cannot sit and be calm. And I think, and I've had to realize that like it's not wise. If I'm heightened, even though that's part of my trauma and trigger responses because I wanted to resolve right away, but it's not wise for me to do so. Because I'm not even thinking rationally if my trigger is taking over.
If I'm like running through it, if I have allowed this light switch to turn on, I've jumped in this. I just pictured myself jumping in the running waters. Like it's a really fast stream. And I'm just like swimming down the stream. In my sympathetic nervous system, I'm like, blood is flowing through my veins. And I am all up in the trigger business right here. Oh, yeah. And then most important is that two to five to seven minutes after, you're just like defeated, deflated your body.
Like you're just like, I don't, there's nothing that you can say right now that I'm really going to agree with. You know, it's just like a very, I call that like the defensiveness that follows the trigger is very high as well. Like you cannot write like there's nothing that your partner says, like, okay, that's a good point. I agree. You're right. It's really hard to think logically in these situations. Really? Oh my gosh.
So I want to tell you guys about something I learned going to the amazing glass house with my friend, Laurie Jean Glass, who wrote this book called Healthy Adult. And I went to her retreat the glass house. And I went to it actually back in March of this year. And it was so incredible. And there we learned about something called a pain body, which this was so helpful for me to really understand what my deepest core trigger is. What my deepest core trauma wound is.
Because understanding that allows me to understand like the rest of my triggers. Because if I understand the main root, a lot of the other triggers kind of connect back to that main root in many, many, many ways. And so this concept of the pain body actually it comes from Eckart toll. And in his book, The Power of Now, it's really interesting you guys. Okay. But here's a reality, if you've ever felt like you're acting a little bit cray cray. If you ever felt out of body out of mind.
If you've ever old like really overreacted, I'm not talking about small triggers. I'm talking about big ones where you are like, I am, I'm out. I'm swimming at sea here and really rough water. Okay. I'm saying that because that is me. I've done that. Unfortunately more than I'd like to admit. But I've reacted in triggers, but when you are really activated, that is most likely what your pain body is.
Okay. And the pain body is, it's just, it's that deep, deep, deep core wound that lives in your body. It's that main core wound that usually started in your childhood. But then it repeats itself through time with different layers. And so, and you learn different ways of numbing it or controlling it or seeking things to, to just calm it down.
But you don't necessarily learn the healthy ways of finding compassion, finding love, understanding that those parts of yourself, healing the parts of yourself that felt really deeply hurt whenever that core wound started. And so if you're not without the proper understanding, compassion and healing, this will just continue to come up and be untamed throughout your life.
Yeah. And what's interesting about this is I think it is irrelevant of your background, who you are, we almost likely have a pain body. Yeah. Right? Most of us. Yeah. I would say so. Yeah. And you're like a very healthy person and lean secure. Like mainly our secure with some avoidant. But I still have one.
And I think that this is really interesting because trauma in general, as much as we have seen explicit is existing amongst all of our lives to some degree, whether it's the big, big tea or the little tea. You're so annoying. But big tea or little tea, because guess what, we live in an imperfect world with definitely imperfect parents. And that is all you have to know. Like those two assumptions right there explained that at some point or another, you had imperfect experiences.
Yeah. And that probably led to some kind of pain bodies. We're going to go ahead and share with you guys our pain bodies as examples, because these are super important. If you could boil down all of our conflicts to one thing for each of us that really sends us off the deep end, and really gets us amped up and fired up, it would be these two things. Yeah. So why don't you go ahead and go first. Okay. And this is really vulnerable, but I am willing to share.
So I have discovered that my biggest core wounding is the feeling of being misunderstood, which that's the main branch feeling misunderstood and or the main root. And then outside out of that comes the feeling of not feeling seen, not feeling heard. Abandonment is in there as well, but misunderstood goes right back to my childhood. I can totally think of just myself as a child. I was very angry, very loud.
And for me, it just, it comes back to like, I didn't feel like I was understood for myself. I didn't feel like I thought, and I knew that something was going on in my family that I didn't know what it was either. And so it also started this whole tendency, like, will you like me? Will you love me?
Like I want you to understand me. I remember clearly in the fifth grade, I every single day in the fifth grade for every day of that of that school year, I dressed in a unique outfit and wore my hair in the different hairstyle every day for the fifth grade every single day. Why did you roll your eyes? I always wondered though, say there's like 200 days of the year you go to school. Did you have 200 hairstyles? Or did you just have a different hairstyle each day? No, I had 200 unique hairstyles.
Okay. So if anyone who knew me back when I was 10, that's not nice. Yeah, bad time, baby. So I love that. That's super impressive. But I felt so, if I can think about it now, like it makes me feel sad, like I was feeling so like misunderstood loss that I'm like, I have to be unique. I have to stand out. Like I want somebody to see me, you know, it's a cry for being seen because I felt so unseen. And so I'm like literally every day I woke up at 5 a.m.
Practice my flute for an hour and did my hair for an hour. It's literally what I did in the fifth grade. Okay. I mean, just the fact that you had 200 unique styles is very impressive. Well, also impressive that I set my alma alarm and got up at 5 a.m. every day. My kid does that. My kids waking up before me to like practice their flute and like get ready for the day. I'm like snoozing till 630. I'm not my work. I'm like, I'm going to feel like a terrible parent.
I be my parents were like, this girl is a go get. I would be like, dude, is there? I would literally pull you. You're operating like a 42 year old father right now. Oh gosh, it makes sense for like why I'm so self driven self started. It's because like, look at me. I tend yourself. But anyway, so I think of that moment. I'm like, and it was really hard because the year after that, I actually started getting bullied in school. Not because of my hair styles.
Okay. For other reasons, which I won't go into. Basically for a whole misunderstanding. That was the hardest thing. It was a misunderstanding. Someone took my words and completely twisted them. And then all of my friends turned against me and they bullied me for multiple years. I had to sit alone in the cafeteria. And I got the bad notes my locker. And it was like a really hard time in my little girl life. Again, being misunderstood. So now I'm not understood by my parents.
And I'm not understood by my best friends at school. So my biggest pain body is being misunderstood, which it's ironic that I'm, you know, some sort of whatever influencer or whatever you want to call it, you know, leader speaker. Because there's huge opportunities when you are a leader, speaker, influencer for people to make assumptions and misunderstand you. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's just one sound by taking the wrong way and misinterpreted.
So I have to stay really grounded and know my boundaries. Because otherwise, you know, there's going to be people and there are people who misunderstand me. And I just, I just reconcile that like I know myself and I know my intentions. And if I'm coming to the Lord and my intentions are pure and good, then I am not worried with a person on the internet is saying about me. Yeah. If I'm being called out and called up and I checked that with the Holy Spirit, like, that's great. I'm about that.
But if someone is like assuming something in me that I know is not true, I just have to, I have to ignore it. I can't let it even prick me. Oh, yeah, you have to. And one of the hardest things about today in the internet is people who shouldn't have even, you know, a pencil have like a megaphone. You know, and there's just some opinions that a pencil of a megaphone. Yeah, I know right. I mean, they, and so we all have that right to it, but some people lose that privilege. And so yeah, you do.
And that comes up in our conflict. Yeah. When you share or you speak and it's not validated. Yeah. Or responded to and it's just glossed over. If I'm glossed over misunderstood. Yeah. And anyway, it doesn't go out because I will, I will, I'm like, okay, thanks for sharing it. And then I'll just move on. And I'm like, excuse me. Yeah. Because I'm flexible. And I won't just be, okay, sounds good. I move on with that. Oh my gosh. I hate it. And you do that, baby. Okay. Sounds good. I'm like.
Did she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hear what? Yes. Sounds good. Let's go. I'm like, and she's like, no, no, no, no. I'm like, pitches her chair. She's like, we're going to talk about this one. I'm like, oh my gosh. So now I say that was really good. Thank you so much for sharing. Now let's go. And she's like, okay. Hey, why do you share your pain body? Okay. Mine's a little bit shorter than that, but that was really good. Thanks.
Mine is probably the feeling of being under appreciated. Yeah. It's really hard for me to express my needs and like vouch on my behalf, including the core need of being appreciated. So this is maybe more for the people in the audience to maybe suppress and don't advocate for themselves because it's maybe quote unquote more noble.
And there's times I learned this from my childhood because of, you know, I grew up in a large house, five kids, definitely like chaos, always, and parents just being scattered, which is, you know, it forces you as a kid to grow up fast and be very independent, which are really appreciated. But I also learned to perform and excel, you know, to earn affection and earn respect amongst peers. And then it just became an assumption. It was just like, okay, yeah, that's just who you are. Sounds good.
Like the sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, sounds good. It's just like, okay, good job. On we go. You did what you were supposed to. I'm like, wait a second. You know, so it's really important for me to be appreciated. And it's not even like words of affirmation as much as just recognition that that was done well. Yeah. And that was not easy. But what's hard about that is on the other side is people don't. I'm not being taken advantage of, I would say.
Yeah, but people don't, if you don't share like that was hard for you to do or you don't share that you don't want to do this and you just do it. People just assume that for you, which is not okay because then you're just kind of neglecting your feelings and neglecting yourself. And you can still do those things, but I think it's much more healthy for you to just communicate them. Because then sometimes you're doing things that people don't appreciate, but you just assume it's noble for me to.
And then you don't get any appreciation from it and you're like, okay, what the heck? Yeah. Well, and then two is you're also performing for other people to please them. Yeah. And then when it doesn't actually work, you're like disappointed. You know, so there's probably more of a heart check there. Like why are you doing it really?
You know, are you doing it for the affection or the what the return is going to be for your life or are you doing it because it's the right thing to do and you joyfully want to do it. Yeah. But underappreciated definitely comes up between you and I as well for sure. For sure. Yeah, for sure. It's like, I'll do all these things and then all of a sudden I mess up on one thing and I and I have I have a lot of time.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the other things and you're reading me on this small detail. I'm like, oh my gosh, dude, I'll do. Yeah. It's what she's super detail oriented. It's really great. It's like a super shank. We just established that. I got about 5 a.m. Did you? Yeah. My hair and practice the flute. Yes. Like everything you tell is live and I'll miss a detail and she'll be like, why can't believe you mess this up? I'm like, what about everything else?
So that's a good snapshot of how it looks for us. Yeah. And so, but it's really powerful because knowing your trigger gives you a lot of opportunity to take ownership and find compassion for yourself. It's not to put shame on yourself. That is opposite of what we want to do. We don't want to be like, oh gosh, I shouldn't be upset about that. Like why do I care about being misunderstood? Like who cares? Like people's opinions don't matter. Like blah, blah, blah.
It's easy to like then go there in your mind, but that is not going to be completely counterintuitive. You have to tap into compassion. And like there is a reason why that deep core wounding that pain body formed and it, you had no control over it. You had no control over it. And sometimes it wasn't even done intentionally to you. Like it just was the circumstances of your upbringing. And sometimes people were doing the best that they could, right?
And sometimes they weren't and it was really hard and toxic. But you know, you didn't cause whatever the pain body is that you have, whatever core wound you have. And so you have to tap into the waters of self compassion. That is the most healing elixir, like finding self compassion for like, okay, I can see how this pattern has shown up in my life.
And I don't want it to continue, but I'm going to love myself well and give myself compassion for how the little girl inside of me was hurting every single time I was showing up in that trigger. Yeah. And in the school of dating, we actually have a lot of time dedicated to inner healing and inner trauma and these pain points and even trauma responses to.
Yeah. And because that is by far and away, probably the most important is you can't show up well in a relationship with like these wounds festering. Yes. Exactly. Because they're going to keep festering and if anything, like they're just going to keep growing. Like and I grew up in a, you know, when a family where there was wounds still festering. And if it, you can only imagine like an impacts a marriage and impacts children and impacts generations and impacts friendships and community.
So wounds festering affects way more people than just you, but it definitely affects you first and everybody else is like, uh, what do we say is, um, oh yeah, if you don't transform pain, you transmit it to others. Yep. Her people hurt people. Exactly. Same. People hurt people. Yes. Yeah. So let's go through a common situation of me not being understood, which has happened before. I just want to give you guys a scenario of like what made happen for me or like just what can happen.
So what happens when I don't feel like JJ heard me when he says, okay, sounds good. And I'm like, oh my goodness. Now I'm triggered. Okay. Laughing. All right. What happens immediately for me is some anger starts bubbling, bubbling to the surface. For me, that's like my inner childhood. It has a big angry streak, okay, I didn't shut down my emotions. I, I outbursted them as a child very, very, very vocally.
And so when this happens with my deep core wound is triggered, the feelings of anger will start bubbling to the surface. A lot of hurt and frustration. And then I might start telling my story, I, telling myself a story in my head like here we go again, he never listens to me. He doesn't care about me. He's doing this to hurt me. He's doing this on purpose. He never takes what I say seriously.
It could be one all or a mix of a few of those things that, and then my mind is saying, and now I get on the train. I'm like, yeah, that's right. It's like this other side of me is like, yeah, you're right. He does do these things on purpose. He doesn't take you seriously. Does this annoy me? He does this to annoy me. Yes. Oh my gosh. Sometimes if I'm in on not great state, I will actually say those things to you. Like I'll be like, you're doing this on purpose.
Like you don't take these things seriously. You're trying to like really annoy me. And, and then what happens often, babe, is that you can speak to this, but that's where you'll be like, no, like you're assuming that. Like you're, it's assumptions, right? Because it's me creating the story in my head, which a lot, 90 or more percent of the time the story in our heads are not real. Like we create the story. And they are 90 to 95 percent of the time not true in its entirety, especially.
And so, but we're full on believing it. It is like a story we, it's like we've seen the movie and we believe it's true. And so I will tell you, like I believe this is why you're doing that. And then you are annoyed because I'm assuming. And either that or you might not like it's a big deal. Or you like want to end it as soon as possible. And so I'm sorry, let's move on. And it's, yeah, it's a, it's a bandaid. I'm sorry to move on from the situation. Yeah, that's true. It's true.
And then what happens after that is then I will defend my thought process until I feel like I'm heard because again, I'm like, if I'm not heard, I'm like, I need to overexplain. He needs to get it this time. This can't keep happening. I don't want to be, can he need to be misunderstood and not heard. I have to explain, explain, explain, explain, explain, explain. And then eventually JJ is completely worn down. He is definitely no longer listening to me. He probably feels defeated.
He feels blamed, maybe not even respected. And now what I wanted was to feel heard and for this to change. And now because of that, there's a way less likelihood of being heard and it changes. Yeah, it's the situation is definitely worse. Yes. Like, yep. And that's especially if like, if you find a partner who doesn't like, get trigger back. Like, if somebody gets trigger back, it's even worse than that. Yeah. Like, trigger misleading to other triggers.
And so if you have a trigger partner and the other partner is, it's not easily triggered or just a little bit just like less willing to jump into that boxing match. But the situation does end up worse, for sure. And we'll take a look, Cliff Hanger. We will talk about like the antidote to that. You know, when Kate fills her trigger, yeah, when Kate fills her trigger, what could she have said, how could she have framed that in a way I could receive and respond?
And vice versa, when I identify the catastigger, what can I do on my end to actually serve her well and listen to her and make it a safe space to listen? But we'll get to that next week because that's the most important. Yeah. Today, our hope is that you just can find a curiosity to figure out what your core wound is. Identify and not feel shame around having triggers. And no, it's actually pretty normal. Understand what's going on in the body.
And then, you know, then have a desire to seek compassion, self-compassion, and then, you know, start gaining tools to actually calm yourself down in those moments. Yeah. And so I think we did a really good job explaining all this. Really? A rally good job. I mean, I'm biased, obviously. I think it was good. It was really good. I'm not, we should get. It was really good.
I think this is the first half of recognizing, listen, I was on the other end of Kate's side and some were more obvious triggers. And then some were just like, I didn't see him as triggers. I know we all live in 2022. We all know what a trigger warning is. We've all heard this word by far and away often now. Nobody really takes a second pause and define it, which is really helpful. Yes. So, yeah, next week we'll be being the triggered and then also being on the other end.
Oh, I just want to say this and we'll talk about it. Yeah, we'll talk about it in more detail. But if you're with someone who has triggers, like it is normal, if you have triggers, it is normal. It's just what you do with that information. It's just what you do with the reality that you are triggered or that's coming up in a relationship because a lot of times, and I think we said it earlier, sometimes you're not triggered until you start entering into relationship.
And all of a sudden, like you're good, live and fine with your friends and then all of a sudden intimacy, an intimate romantic relationship is the thing that brings up your triggers. And you're like, I didn't have to, where is this coming from? And that's actually my thing now. Like I don't often get that triggered with friends in general. It's just with him. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And you would say the same thing, probably, right?
Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So it's okay. It's just what do you do with the information? Yeah. And especially as you recognize them, if your partner calls them out, you know, and hopefully in a loving way, it's time to maybe do a little bit of deep diving and check it out with going on below the hood. Yeah. Okay. So I think that was really good. Yeah. Thanks guys for listening again this week. We'll be talking about fighting fair conflict, finding what we call safe space.
And we're so excited for that. I'll just say if what we talk about next week, if I did not have people pouring into me and giving me advice and help, Kate and I would not be together. Yeah. That's true. Like 1000%. Yes. So important. There's nobody is smart enough or independently wise enough and good enough to really handle conflict with somebody else. Buy themselves. I agree. I think we're designing that way. Yeah. We try to do things in silos. I know.
But it's when you have a trigger person trying to reason with another trigger person in a silo like, oh my gosh, that's like chaos. Yeah. You need an outside wise source and not everyone, but someone or some a couple or a therapist or mentor that's going to pour into you. For sure. So anyway, thanks you guys so much this week. Thanks, baby, for being vulnerable. Good job. Oh my gosh. You're Mike just well. Thanks, baby. Love you too. Love you guys. We'll see you next week.
Bye. Bye. The Heart of Dating Podcast is created by Kate Wormen. It is a part of the Converge Podcast Network. Our incredible editor is the one and only Scott Carro. Our theme music was developed by the amazing Christian Ladou. We'll shout out to Andrii Maga and Gabriella Asperu, who make the show possible each week and help to keep me sane.
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