Hey you guys and welcome back to another episode of Heart of Dating. We are still moving along in our Compatibility series, which I have just been loving you guys. Now, just a quick refresher, why are we doing this series? Well, I wanted to talk about and address some of the main reasons why we may not consider dating someone. Basically, I wanted to test the validity of some of our preferences and see if we are making our preferences like our non-negotiables. We've covered so much ground
so far in the series. We've talked about age gaps, height, weight, chronic illness, ethnic differences in dating, and last week we even covered political differences in dating. Y'all pray for me, my goodness. But today we are talking about boundaries and sexual past in dating. Oh my goodness. Dun dun dun. Now, before we do, I want to just share something with you guys. We have a brand new site over at HeartofDating.com and we have some absolutely amazing resources that I know are
going to help you in your dating life. And in case you're wondering, they are completely free. Now, one thing people ask me all the time is how to show interest to the person they're crushing on. So, I created a free guide that's for the dudes and the ladies all about showing interest. It's completely free and you can get the download by going to bit.ly forward slash how to show interest. That's bit.ly forward slash how to show interest. All right. Now, let's get into the episode.
Physical boundaries and sexual past. When do you bring all of it up and how do you do it? Well, first and foremost, you guys, before you start analyzing and putting the other person under a microscope, you need to look internal. I think it's so, so, so important that you know yourself. What is your relationship with sex and sexual desire? Do you know what your sexual ethic is? Do you know why your sexual ethic is the way that it is? I think it's so, so, so important
that this is fleshed out. You have to know why you believe what you believe. For example, I actually talk a lot about this in chapter three of my book. Thank you for rejecting me. That chapter is called Never Have I Ever. In high school, I was very much indoctrinated into the purity culture. And within that, I was made very aware of how important sexual purity was. So much so that when I was dating a guy in our church community, I actually had to sign a pledge of rules and agree
to go on some sort of pre-marital counseling journey with him at the age of 16. Yep, 16 years old. Now, what ended up happening is me and this guy, we ended up slipping up physically in our relationship and we cross boundaries. And honestly, I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that we did not have a deep understanding of why we had the specific boundaries that we were supposed to have. We didn't really know why our limit should be our limit, right? We were just told this is
what you do. And if you don't, you go to hell. No, I mean, not that, but basically, basically that. They were like, this should be your limit. And we didn't really truly had a depth of understanding for why it was just kind of do this, follow this list of rules. And then after we slipped up, because of the emphasis of how bad sex was, I was honestly terrified of being shamed if I told anyone in our little Bible community. So because of that, we actually kept our sexual relationship
hidden. And because of keeping it hidden, the shame ate away at us for years and years and years on end. This whole process, and I did this person for about five years. So this whole process felt confusing and isolating and shaming. And it actually created a whole lot of tension in our relationship. We felt totally alone in dealing with this. So we just kept trying to deal with it just between he and I and it was not working. It was always a self-fulfilling prophecy that continuously made
us feel more shamed, more isolated, more confused, and a lot of tension. The reality was that in the five years of dating, we actually never truly got to a place of quote unquote sexual purity, because we weren't connected to the message of abstinence from a standpoint of truly fleshing it out with God and having our hearts truly connect this message to our minds while we both we truly deeply understood why this was important to us. Instead, we were just trying to adhere
to what we thought we should do. Now post that relationship, I ended up in a very abusive relationship. And sadly, that man, that abusive man and I actually did sleep together. We formed a sexual bond really early on in the relationship. And that sexual bond, sadly, was often the glue that kept our terribly toxic relationship together. During that season of dating, that abusive guy, he also began to sexually abuse me, which distorted my view of sexuality entirely and it made me feel
just so much confusion and brokenness and shame. And outside of these encounters inside of relationships, I have also unfortunately been sexually assaulted, which is a whole separate story in and of itself. And I actually talk about it in my book. So needless to say, now today I'm in my 30s, years later in my life, I decided in the past few years that it was time to renew my relationship with sexuality and sex. So what I've done is I've gone on a journey to break down my sexual
ethic and rebuild it in such a way that I know what it is. I am clear on it. It is connected to both my mind and my heart. And so because of that, I deeply, deeply desire to walk this out in relationships. Now, I don't know where you land on the spectrum. I don't know if your sexual ethic is what it is because the church has told you so or because your parents told you so growing
up or because everyone around you tells you so. Or maybe you've actually gone on a journey to really sort this out with God and truly make it a deeply powerful and connected thing in your mind, body, soul, spirit. Here's the really, really important thing when it comes to our sexual ethic. When we approach the quote unquote sex talk in dating and setting boundaries, our reasons for these conversations and for the boundaries that we're setting should be rooted in power, not
in fear. They should be rooted in power, not in fear. Let me explain this. A lot of people say that they want to abstain from sex before marriage because they don't want to get to attach the person that they're dating or they might say they don't want someone who only wants them because of sex or they might say I don't want to disobey God. And while some of these reasons are pretty
valid, they are more rooted in fear than they are in power and being empowered. When you feel empowered and you approach sexuality from a lens of empowerment, you feel confident in your decisions regarding boundaries and are excited about the outcome, which is to share that intimacy ultimately in the
covenant of marriage. So before we even enter into the depths of the conversation surrounding compatibility with physical boundaries and sexual past here, I just think it is so important to say and I might even have to talk about this more in a future dating episode here on Heart of Dating. But you guys, it is so, so, so important that we feel empowered and confident in our sexual boundaries and our sexual ethic and that we are approaching this from a place of empowerment
over fear. All right, now let's bring it into the practical. You are on a date and you are really attracted to someone and interested in where it's going to go with them. But alas, at some point, you know you need to share a bit about your sexual ethic and your boundaries and maybe your sexual past and you're also curious about theirs, right? So how do you do all that? Here are a few things that I recommend. First and foremost, you got to know yourself. I said this a little bit before,
but I'm going to re-emphasize it here. Know yourself. You need to know yourself and know your past. Have you struggled with boundaries before? If you have, you need to know that and you need to go into the layers of why that's been such a struggle for you. And then you need to set yourself up to make why sexual decisions about your future. Another thing to consider is do you have a lot of wounding in the area of sexuality and sexual intimacy? You need to be aware of that and get the
healing you need. The point I'm trying to make is know your past, know your triggers, and know what's best for you. All right, so that's the first thing. Know yourself. The second thing is be honest early. I think being honest about your sexual ethic and boundaries early on is so important. Now, let me clarify something now. You do not have to tell them your entire sexual history
during the first date or first few dates. No, not at all. In fact, I don't even encourage you to do that at all, but at the same time, I do not want you to be afraid to share your boundaries. For example, if you don't want to kiss that person on a first date, you don't have to. Okay? Be empowered to tell them that you don't want to kiss them early on. And that's just
something you don't really do early on in dating. I think it's important to be candid about our sexual ethic and boundaries pretty early in dating, especially as the relationship is seemingly starting to become more physical. Y'all, this is not a time to be cool. It's an opportunity to be clear. Be vulnerable and don't assume they are on your same page because, frankly, everyone's walking into dating with their own way of doing it. So be bold, be honest, share your sexual
ethic and your boundaries and what you know about yourself early on. All right, the third thing, get on the same page. This is where it's the most important and where compatibility can often come into play. I really recommend that you get on the same page when it comes to sexual boundaries. Let me give you an example. Let's say you have a boundaries conversation and you reveal that you are on page two. Okay? Let's just say your boundaries are like pages one through five. Who knows?
So you reveal that you are on page two. And then you find out through the conversation that the person you're dating is on page three. So it seems as though you're kind of in a little bit of a pickle. Where do you draw the line if your physical boundaries are different? First of all, instead of judging them or writing them off, I would encourage you to get curious about why that person is on page three, a different page than you. Outside of that, I would share with them the
importance for you for why your boundaries. Why page two is so important to you based on your convictions, your history and your relationship with God and ask them if they would be willing to honor you and get on the same page as you. This can also happen a little bit of the extreme the other way. Let's say you're on page two and let's say you'd be okay holding hands and kissing them or whatever, whatever. And this person comes to you and they're like, I don't want to kiss
until I'm engaged. Okay, well, you need to get curious. You asked them a little bit about that. You need to feel out of that. Feels good for you. The reality is though you guys, the right person will be willing to honor your boundaries and will not pressure you. If you are on page two and they are on page three, here's the reality. You're going to likely struggle with boundaries. And sadly, more often than not, the person with the stricter boundary often does cave to the loser boundary,
not all the time, but often that does happen. This is why being on the same page is super, super, super helpful. You just have to get on the same page. You have to get curious and you have to ask them if they'd be willing to partner with you and honor you and get on the same page. Let me ask you, is there something interfering or preventing you from really being in a healthy dating relationship? I don't know about you, but for me, dating has become a huge eye opener
of things in my life that I personally need to reflect on, heal from and grow in. It's like when you start dating, the floodgates of past things come bubble into the surface. It's like, okay, I got to do with them. Anyone else feel me on this? Now instead of being afraid of those things, what's helped me through this process is not only mentorship from other peers, but actually going
and seeking counseling. You all know what I'm saying? Therapy. Now many of you guys ask me for therapy resources and the issue is, I don't know therapists all around the country, but I found a solution. Today, I want to introduce you to something I know you're going to love called faithful counseling. Faithful counseling is a Christian-based online therapy service. They're going to assess your specific needs and match you with your own license professional therapist that is the best for
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Everyone talks about accountability and boundaries but you got to get accountable and I'm not saying just tell your friends around you. I'm talking about get accountable with somebody who kind of freaks you out a little bit. Like you know somebody who's actually going to ask you the hard questions, actually going to check in with you somebody who you really respect somebody maybe older and wiser who's done this right?
Not probably somebody who's always failed at their physical boundaries, okay? You want somebody who's older wiser or who has really done this the right way? That's the person you want to be accountable to. Alright the fifth thing here is to get curious. This is seriously critical you guys. I kind of already mentioned it in one of the previous steps about getting on the same page but I think it's warranted to talk about all on its own.
And for this one I want to specifically bring up the sexual past conversation. Is it a deal breaker? If your partner is not a virgin and you are. Is it a deal breaker? If they have a recent sexual past? etc etc etc. Those are all the things we're talking about here. First of all I want to leave by saying I see a lot of judgment and self-righteousness when it comes to the conversation of sexual past.
And I have personally also been kind of a victim to that in dating situations because obviously as I showed earlier I do have more of a colored sexual past. So here's what we need to get right. Your sexual past is not the most important thing about you nor is it the most important thing about somebody else. Oftentimes as Christians it's one area that we narrowly want to focus in on. Sexuality and sexual purity. And though yeah great that's a good factor for a thriving marriage.
It is by no means the only important factor. So if you're listening right now and you're currently struggling or have struggled or think you would struggle with someone's sexual past here's some of my advice. My friend Deb Faleita has said this. Our sexual past is a symptom of who we were and is not necessarily a reflection of who we are.
So what Deb is saying here you guys is that though a person's past may play a part in who they are the most important thing to think about is who they are right now. And even outside of that who are they becoming? There are tons of people that sadly won't even consider dating somebody who's not a virgin. And maybe that's even you listening to this right now. And if so I'm really glad you are listening to this because honestly we need to change this.
Saying that I would not consider dating someone who's not a virgin is not the way of Jesus. It's really sad to me you guys. It's filled with a lot of judgment actually. As Christians we bow before God of grace, of love, of mercy and of forgiveness. A God that takes us from brokenness into healing and holiness. So if the person you are dating today is truly and I mean truly in a deep and thriving relationship with Jesus, that is what matters. That is what defines them. Not their sexual past.
So before you write someone off based on their sexual past, I want to encourage you to take a look at the fruits in their life today. This moment, who are they in front of you? Look at their relationship with Jesus. Look at who they are right now and who they are focused on becoming. Those things are ultimately the most important to finding factors in all of this.
Now if you're someone that is struggling big time to get over your partner's sexual past, I hate to break it to you but I have to be blunt here. I really do. Friend, this has more to do with the potential pride issue in you than it actually has anything to do with them. Pride separates us from grace. And if you are so stuck on your partner's past, it actually could be because you have issues accepting the true, abounding grace and love that God has to offer you.
Though you may have a different past than the person you're dating, God's grace is sufficient for both of you. Okay? Both of y'all. I'm not saying that sexual purity and all that isn't important. I'm just saying it's not the most important thing. And we have to learn to look at who the person is today versus judging them on their past.
I really, really, really want to see this change in dating you guys because we are limiting so many potentially amazing people based on something that happened to them in their past. Could be even that it's based on something they couldn't have controlled. Could be even because of something that happened to them because of a lot of a trauma in their life. You guys, that is not the way of Jesus. You are to accept them and look at them for who they are today, not for who they were in the past.
So here's where we're landing. When it comes to boundaries, it is so important to be empowered in your boundaries. When you are empowered and approach sexuality from a lens of empowerment, you feel confident in your decisions regarding boundaries and are excited about the future outcome to share that intimacy ultimately in the covenant of marriage. And when you do have the boundaries and sexual past conversation and dating, here are the tips we went over today. First of all, know yourself.
Know your past. Know your triggers. Get healing for things if you need it. Know yourself and know what you need to do to make wise decisions for your future. Second thing is be honest early. This isn't about being cool. Share your boundaries early on. Share it on a first day if you need to. If you think that person is going to go in for the kiss and you don't really want to, or that's not something you, that's not part of your sexual ethic early on. Okay, be honest early.
Now, after being honest, I want to encourage you. You need to get on the same page. So, so, so important. If you take anything away from this, it's to be on the same page with physical boundaries. Even if your boundaries are different, you have to ask that person if they're willing to honor you and come to your page. You got to ask it. And if they're not willing to do it, that could ultimately be a deal breaker.
Okay, because you actually have different morals and values when it comes to that in relationship. If they're not willing to honor you, then they're probably not for you. Third thing, keep accountable to people. Pretty obvious, we all talk about that in the church. Keep accountable to people, but not just your friends, especially not your friends that are not really doing this all that well. Keep accountable to people who are doing this well and maybe someone older and wiser.
Fourth thing, get curious. Don't make judgments about their past. Get curious about their past and what happened in their past and why. But if you find that you are somebody that's like, man, I can't date them because of their past or I can't date them because they're not a virgin. I am y'all, you need to take that to the foot of the cross. You need to have some conversations with Jesus on that because I just hear a whole lot of self-righteousness
and pride in those statements. And I'm calling you out and love right now because I see this so much as a dating coach. I see this so much and I'm so sad and I've personally also experienced it with some people I've dated in the past. I'm like, man, what's so sad is you have this small picture of what you desire and you're not seeing the person that I am today, the person showing up in front of you, the person healed for my sexual past.
Now, of course, my last bit on that is of course, sometimes your sexual past may affect your future. Like, we can't be naive on that. But if this person, it's about who they're becoming, right? If this person is willing to continue to work on it, to continue to heal, to continue to press into the heart of God, then that is all you can ask for and that is beautiful. All right, you guys. We covered so much ground today and this is great. I'm so happy we're having this conversation.
It's a hard one. It gets asked all the flipping time. And so we're going to talk more about it, of course, we will. But when it comes to compatibility, I really want you to consider these things. And so I hope your challenge and I hope your encourage. I hope you want to leave feeling more empowered about your sexual ethic and setting boundaries. All right, guys, that's it for this mini series during our compatibility 101 series. I love this series so far.
Do me a favor. If you love what you're hearing, please share it on social media. Tag us at heart of dating or at kateness. Share it with a friend. Tell them about some of the other episodes we've covered. This has been absolutely amazing. And this is how we're going to make some change. All right. All right, guys, that's it for today. I'll see you next week. This show is part of the Converge Podcast Network.