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I hope you guys are having a wonderful day. Staying positive. I hope you guys got your time in the word this morning. I hope you guys are staying connected with the spirit as we go through today. This is a really fun episode. I'm so excited to do it. It is a little bit more hard hitting and there's a couple of different groups. For some of you guys who've been single for quite a while, you're just like, hey, this isn't very relevant for me. I'm just trying to get into a relationship first.
I hear you. Maybe this is more of an episode of wisdom for your friends. Maybe it's an episode of wisdom for your siblings, for your cousins, for your kids who you mentor who are in high school or who are young adults. It can be anybody. I'd say there's specifically, there's two groups of people who need to hear this message. And one, it's a young adult who are 18 to 23 years old and it's the older adults who are just kind of in no rush who have been dating for multiple years.
And I'm just like, so I'm trying not to say this episode and speak out of a frustration. I really do mean it out of kindness and care for each individual person. And so what I would just say to kick it off is there's a lot of relationships I see. And if I could be really blunt with them and they know it's coming from a loving place, I would sit them down and I would beg them and I would ask them, please, just get married or break up.
Please, at this point, stop playing house and just get married or just break up. It's one of those two options and the reason why I love this title is there's a couple reasons why. Number one, we, I think we have to live in reality. That's what God calls us to do. He is real. He is in reality and he meets us in reality. I think we get in trouble in life when we leave reality and we live in fantasy world. We live in fantasy world. We live in dream world.
I think when we leave reality and we go into, we say reality is not good enough. Let me dream up what life could and should look like and where it would be so much better. Alicia Bridge Holy came on the episodes about two or three months ago and the way she spoke about reality was one of the most meaningful episodes we've ever done on hearted dating. And when I mean reality, here's what I mean specifically in dating and relationships.
When you go into relationship, keyword relationship, I'm not necessarily talking about dating, just getting to know them. Okay. When we go into relationship, you're my girlfriend. I'm your boyfriend. This is reality. Okay, let's play this out very bluntly. You two should be living in reality and discussing and talk like frequently talking about this fact. We are either going to break up or we are going to get married and that is reality. One of those two things are going to happen.
We're going to get married or we're going to break up. You're not going to be dating or pseudo dating and going back and forth for years and years to come. There is no in between. And when I say we don't live in reality, what I really mean is we go into dating and relationships and we go into relationship and we never talk about that fact. We almost like put our head down in the sand and never really discuss it.
And we just kind of hope that the best thing is going to happen that we get married and we never we will people will go an entire dating relationship the old day for three months, six months a year. And they won't talk about the reality that this could end up in a breakup until the very end when they're breaking up. And I'm sorry. Why we do that, I don't really know. You guys can probably think about it and come up with a better answer than I can. My guess would be it's uncomfortable.
My guess would be is we just really are hoping and praying that my wish and my desire and my plan is that this works out the best way. And the only way it can be the best way is of ends and marriage. There's no reality that if this ended up in a breakup, it could actually be the best thing for me. So therefore, I just don't want to acknowledge it. It's either this happens and it works well according to my mental plan and hope and prayer or it doesn't work out well.
And now I'm going to be bitter and upset. Why can't the reality of both of those things happening be the best thing for you? And why can't we talk about it with the person that we're dating? And where we get into the episode today is I see and hear a lot of couples at this point. The Christian world is so funny.
You either have people who are hearing God's voice and getting engaged in five months and getting married at month 10 or you hear couples who've been dating for like a year and a half, two and a half years, three years because they're just not sure or they're still trying to figure out if they're ready or the other person's ready or or you know, they're just not sure. And I think this episode today is specifically for those two groups of people who I mentioned.
The younger adult who is trying to figure out major life questions, okay, career, university, grad school, international work opportunities and they're also trying to simultaneously decipher and these major seasons should I or should I not marry this person?
So here's my hot take and I think about this all the time and what I love about it and my hot taking the truth and the wisdom of it, what I like about it is that it can be applied to all groups, whether you're 18 and you're going through university, you're 23 and trying
to decide on grad school and moving across the country, you're 25 and you're trying to decide if I should take this job in this state or this city or you're 35 and you have a kid or you're 40 years old and you've never dated someone. My hot take is this, if you have been dating for over a year, it's time to either get married or break up and this applies to everybody. Like a year is plenty of time to know whether or not you could marry someone and whether or not you should marry someone.
And what I mean by that is if you make it to the year mark and you're not sure you want to marry them, I think you have your answer because you probably have a very good reason for why you do not want to move forward and marriage and it could be a couple of different options. It could be a couple of different things. I mean, it's exhaustive but here is the reality. It might be you, you might not be really actually ready to commit to a lifetime covenantal agreement with another person.
You might not be ready for that and that's okay. I think a lot of people aren't ready for it and they do figure it out in marriage and it's very painful and it's very tough and that works. People make it work all the time but it is very difficult. You might be in the middle of figuring out major life decisions.
If you're trying to decide like if I should be an international missionary in the next year or two and also date this person and try to figure out if I should marry them or not, I'm so sorry but that's probably not a good time to make those decisions because and I see this play out all the time. People are dating for six months a year. You especially see this in younger couples. Should I go to this college and Cleveland, Ohio or should I go to this college and Knoxville Tennessee?
Well my girlfriend that I've been dating for nine months, we both just graduated. She plans on going to Alabama and the drive from Cleveland to Alabama is 10 hours and the drive from Knoxville to Alabama is six hours. So even though the better decision for me and my career and where I want to go in life might be Cleveland, I'm going to make this decision so I can stay closer and we can do long distance and kind of figure this thing out.
You see what I mean, we're making major life decisions based off someone who's not even our spouse and it affects the rest of our life. I was talking with a friend, I like to talk about these episodes with people just to get different perspectives and he said it's so funny because I went to boarding school.
I was a missionary kid, I grew up in Italy, I went to boarding school in Germany and yeah, I was dating a girl at 18 and I came back to the States and she followed me into the States and she studied for a semester abroad and she quit school for a semester to be in my town that I was in so we could continue dating. I'm like, man, that is such a terrible decision. I love the fact that she got life experience and she got to live in the US and all these things.
But you see what I mean, we're making major life decisions based off a very, very young relationship. And so for the, let me just address the 18 to 24 year olds, my opinion is this. In the majority of cases, you have a lot of young adults playing house, playing relationship, playing marriage and making really immature dumb decisions based off someone that they've been dating for a couple of years that they're probably not going to marry.
And they're putting themselves in this weird dating situation, long distance where they're hard to and mind and focus is completely divided for this relationship that it's not really going anywhere. And so I'm just a huge fan. And for those situations, I genuinely think there's a minority of them, I don't know, 10, 20% where they should actually just get married.
If you know their family and their family knows your family and you know the pastor that they're being discipled by and you know that their faith is rock solid, sure they might not be broke, sure they might not have a job, sure they're still figuring out a lot of things in their life. But at that point, if you can't make it work and you are, you are very sure about the character and the person of who this person is in front of you. Just get married. I'm so serious.
I know that's not a popular opinion. I know you hear a lot of people say we were just so young, but you also hear a lot of people, especially pastors, you got married at 18, 19, 20 years old and they totally figured it out. And I think that is a super unpopular take an opinion because we're so much about figuring out like your individual path and career and your life. There's wisdom in that. I get it.
I did that, but I could totally see a world where I could have for the right person with the right person. I would have been immature, two degree, they would have been immature, two degree at 20 years old, but we would have figured it out and we would have grown together. And I do meet a lot of couples who are 29, 30, 31, they're having their first kids and they've been married for eight, nine, 10 years and they have a wonderful marriage. I was just talking with another friend.
They got married at 20 years old, neither of them went to college and they have just had the best time traveling the world and getting by and they look back with fondness at the times where they were just broke. They were so broke. They were pulling out pennies out of the penny jar to buy pizza on their date nights. I mean, they were like, they couldn't buy oxygen. Okay. They were so broke and they looked back with fondness over those formative shaping years.
I think at 20 years old, you're just so flexible, adaptable. I just am a huge fan of the couples who are mature enough and their faith who have a great enough support system to just get married. For the other 80%, I'm sorry, I know it feels like a big deal, but just break up. You guys are living hours and hours away. You guys are trying to figure out your life. If you guys do get married, it's going to be two or three years from now, which is fine.
You can date for five years and get married at the end of those five years. But for me personally, I just think about all the opportunities you probably gave up along the way, just to wait five years to get married to someone. And I'm just sorry. I think it's super counterproductive. I think you guys have both done a disservice to your quote, college experience or young adult experience. I think you guys didn't really afford your size yourselves opportunities to meet new people.
People make it work. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm not saying it's less than ideal. I guess I have some sort of resentment or judgment towards it. People make it work. If you really want to date for five years, not have sex, really cut your opportunities in your life and half. And do that, you can be my guest. That's fine. I just think, and my hot take again is, we date. And when you date, and when I would teach Eleanor, because I think about her a lot now, she's 18 years old.
Hey, you can date. You're an adult. But when you date, there's a point to dating, which is you are basically going through an inspection process and a connection friendship building process to see if you want to marry this person over the next six to 12 months. And if you reached that year mark, and I see this time and time again, if you reach 12 months, that is, that is totally enough time. Especially if you're in person in the same hour or two hour vicinity of someone.
That is more than enough time to get to know someone's character, the trajectory of their life, how they run their life, their red flags, their green flags. And if you are not ready at that one year mark, then you're just not ready. And I think to get ready is really hard to do that simultaneously while dating. And you're looking at another year, two years, and it might not ever work out. What's new from Apple? There's the new iPhone 16 Pro built for Apple Intelligence.
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You know, a lot of people, what I see at the end of that one year mark is this. They know at the end of the day, the other person is not marriage material and some sort of way. They've gone through the evaluation process. They've gone through the inspection process and they know things about them that not many other people do. And you're very concerned about them. Why else would you be hesitating? It might be you and we talked about that, but it might be them.
And you are so scared to voice that to another person, to tell a friend, to go see a counselor. Maybe you haven't given them the feedback. Maybe you have and they just haven't changed. And they're just not ready. And you don't want to tie yourself to this person for the rest of your life for a good reason. At the end of that year, at the end of 12 months, let's make this very simple.
Unless there's special circumstances like there's a death in the family, there's extreme trauma, there's major things coming up, you should have your answer. And I hate to be that exhaustive. I don't like being that prescriptive, but I think it is really helpful at the end of the day to have some sort of rough timeline. And this is the same timeline.
Gary Thomas, JP, Dr. Townsend, lots of lots of teachers who are waist-mortar, way wiser, who've seen thousands of more couples than I have, all recommend. For some reason, 12 months seems to be the really solid, commonly agreed upon timeline. And here's why I'm being so straightforward on this. Dating is not the time to be simultaneously figuring out big life questions unless you're ready to get married. Meaning this, people will socially date while living between two or three cities.
You see this a lot today, especially with 30-year-olds who have remote jobs. They're trying to figure out what city they're living in, they're making major decisions. And then along the way, they're dating a girl in this city and this city. To that person, you're clearly not ready. Like you are not really settled down in a city. You really don't have clear, cut, deep community.
My guess is that your mentorship and your discipleship is very much up in the air unless you're doing like remote, virtual, long distance discipleship extremely well. Like hey, man, just don't date. Just don't date for a while and get settled until you're actually truly ready. Because in the meantime, you're just dating for fun. You're just dating for the thrill.
You're dating for the chase, hoping that along the way, you might meet the one who just has the body of a porn star, has the theology of a theologian and is just the most wise, rear oriented, awesome woman that you've ever laid eyes on and it's just going to work out. I mean, that's a fantasy, by the way. That's a fantasy. That person that I just described does not exist.
And the more you come to terms with that and live in reality with what a normal person looks like, the more you're actually going to set yourself up to actually marry a god of these spouse and have a great marriage. There's just so many different examples I can think of off the bat. I mean, there's people who are doing major healing. They just had a major break up. Why would you jump into dating if you're not really ready to actually get married?
I mean, my favorite way to decide and decipher if you're actually ready for marriages, if you met someone who checks all your boxes truly. And what I mean by that is you need to have. Now you're nice to have. You're fun to have. Not that unicorn I just described. I'm just talking about a godly woman who's a rock solid in her faith who you're at least moderately attracted to and you guys get along really well. If you met her tomorrow, would you be ready to marry her?
And I'm not saying get married after one day, you know, dating is that evaluation inspection process. But would you be ready? And if the answer is no, because you're going through major healing, you just became a Christian six months a year ago and you're, you're still trying to figure out what sanctification looks like in your life. You're still battling with pornography. You're still battling with masturbation consistently, habitual patterns of sin. Okay. So you're not ready and that's okay.
And you can get ready. But that is just not the time. You see, dating gets really complicated for one major reason. We're trying to simultaneously figure out major life decisions. We're trying to simultaneously really sanctify and pursue holiness in our life and grow mature. And we're trying to do these two big things at once. And if there's, there's one reality that I live in these days speaking of reality is that I'm not very good at multitasking. I'm not. I'm really not.
And, and, and I think we convince ourselves that we're much better at doing these two things at once than we are. And I'm not saying your life has to be perfectly ready. Your 401k has got to be $50,000 in it. You have to have a stable situation. You have to have boots on the ground on the city. For at least one year, you have to have six solid friends. I'm not, I'm not saying that, but there's wisdom and being ready to date and being ready to marry.
So to close today, these are questions you should, whether you're in a relationship right now, you're dating someone, maybe it's been six months, it's been a year. These are great questions to ask yourself. This is what I would, this is what I would check myself with. Ask it with a friend, talk about it with your therapist.
If you're at the six month, a year, a year and a half mark, and you're really struggling to get over that hump, these are wonderful questions to ask before you go and make a decision about marriage or breaking up, right? So JJ, just get married, you're broke up. Well, how do I know? Well, answer these questions and work through them. Number one, what scares you? What scares you about this process? What scares you about getting married and committing to one person for the rest of your life?
Is it missing out on another person who might be better? I see that one all the time. I see that one all the time and I'm sorry. I'm not shaming you for struggling with that question. I wrestle with it at one point in my life. But if that's a question you're struggling with now, you are going to continually struggle with that no matter who you choose, no matter who you choose. That one is a major red flag.
That is a major, major issue in your heart that you need to iron out because it will hunt you and plague you and always be under shoulder and I've seen really wonderful women and men get turned down because someone is struggling through this question. I'm really worried that I might miss out on a better option. Oof. That is probably one of the top three biggest issues and challenges and problems I see single struggle with. What if I miss out on another that just plagues them? It kills them.
It ruins the ability to date and commit and choose. Something else that might scare you is that at the end of the day you know that you're not a great match. You know at the end of the day you're not a great match and you don't want to admit that. At the end of the day you might not be attracted to them.
You've tried and tried and tried and you're scared that on the wedding night you look at them and you say you have the most beautiful soul, you have the most wonderful personality and that's why I chose you. I bet I can't call you handsome. I can't call you beautiful. Like I just I can't and maybe that's an issue on my end. Again I'm all about taking ownership in those situations.
Another question you know what scares you is they honestly at the end of the day they're not spiritually growing, changing, maturing or cold-vitting relationship with God and you know it. You know that spiritually they are not equal to you or challenging you. You know that spiritually that you're leading them. Bice versa. Number two, a question asks, is are you more comfortable with no direction?
You would rather stay in the safety and comfort of relationship than be in a breakup and brokenhearted or a marriage and totally unsure about the decision you made. So what do you do? Well you stay in the most comfortable, safe option which is just a relationship with no real direction as the Gen Z kids are your comfy but not in a good way. Now I would say this is a huge question for you to answer.
You're too scared that you don't want to be heartbroken again and single again and you might not find anyone who's close enough to this good for you again and then at the end of the day you're not really sure if you actually want to marry them because of these big red flags. So you're just kind of in no man's land. I think that's a really hard place to be.
And number three, I love this one to end on questions that you should ask yourself before marriage or if you're kind of stuck in figuring out should I get married or should I break up? What would make you act? What would force you to make a decision if they gave you an ultimate? Is that what you need? Counseling? Going to see the wisest passer you know and just being vulnerable? What would make you act? What would make you make a decision one way or the other? Them changing?
Man, if it's them changing by the way, I just want to enlighten you. You have about six months to 12 months to give them feedback and see how they change and grow. But if they're not changing in that period where there's leverage, right, there's a carrot, there's a ring, there's marriage ahead, there's a really good motivation. I'm so sorry. They are definitely not changing a marriage. Let me just give you a new slash.
If the person you're dating is not changing and growing based off the feedback you're giving them and relationship, what makes you think that they're going to change in marriage because they're not. They ain't changing the marriage. If they're not changing while you're dating, they're not changing in relationship. You think they're just magically going to change? I'm so sorry. That is not going to happen.
That's why it's so important to marry someone who is growth oriented, growth minded, who believes in cultivating change. They have the humility to admit I'm not perfect. They also have the desire, the passion to say I'm not perfect and I'm doing something about it. Here's how I'm changing. Here's how I'm growing. So we bless you guys. Hope this episode was great. I love it. Stop playing house. Just get married or break up. Let's go. Love you guys. Leave you there.