Control is always rooted in overestimating the power that you actually have over a situation and how it has to go this way. And you're so worried and you're so anxious that if it doesn't go this way, then I'm not going to be okay. If I don't get married by this age, then I'm not going to be okay. If I don't get this much sleep, if I don't get this money, I'm not going to be okay. Control is always rooted in what I think is really best.
What's up fam? It's your boy JJ. This is a mini-mansof Friday. Today, we are talking scarcity mindset. What are actually the numbers? Do they make sense? And if I was to say something like this, great options do exist. You're just not looking in the right places or great options do exist. This is how you find them. This is where to go. This is the gender-neutral episode. This is for the women out there. This is for the men out there. This is our most practical teaching. We teach
us extensively in school dating. Scarcity mindset does need to be its own episode at some point in hearted dating. We've heard your feedback. It is so foundational to the dating process. It's kind of a shame that we don't go into a more. I think we allude to it a lot. But we'll address that because the big thing that we hear a lot is where do I look? What do I do? How do I reach out? These are very nitty-gritty questions that, quite frankly, you're never really going to learn in the
church. I think it's kind of funny. We do talk about dating a lot. But we kind of talk about and we're really redundant on what to look for. We don't really teach the how as much as we teach what to look for or what to do or what not to do. I think it's really interesting when we get really practical. Is there a best way to kind of shoot your shot? Is there a best way to reject someone? Is there a best way to date casually for three, five, ten dates before you go into
relationship? The really nitty-grown rules is really tough. That's what I call wisdom. That's what I would call wisdom. Dating with wisdom is when the rules don't apply or there's not really clear rules for how to go about this, how can it be wise about this? This episode specifically, I mean, the question we get, and it is mostly from the women, if I'm being honest,
where are all the good Christian men? We did answer that question on this week's episode. I thought it was so fine hearing from different people's perspective, specifically focusing on the men. You don't really hear that question, and this is a man-soed. I don't really hear that question often of where are all the good, godly women. I don't really think that is the systematic problem
that we're addressing. However, I do think sometimes men only date or they feel like they can only date or should date and their church community, their young adult community, their single community. But that comes with a ton of pressure and it comes with a ton of fear. They do feel like that's the only place they maybe can look. That's the only place with great options, which I totally understand why. Sometimes you get that sneaky behavior. They will date people from other churches,
they'll go in the dating apps or they'll kind of go rogue in some ring. I think that has to deal with, yes, they don't want to date in the church and cause a bunch of drama. They also probably are not dating well, so they're not really leaving women better than they find them. Yes, there is going to be drama. They are going to be really upset in all these things. I know in my personal life, this was really important. I just actually talked with a couple of other
ironically pastors today when they were 18 through 20, 22. They're in their late 20s and 30s now and they're married with kids, but they said the same thing. I did not date or talk to any girls from church because of the baggage that came with that. And two, I was a bit of a player. I was a bit of a deceiver. I was making out with girls left and right. I had my go-toes. And I was the same way. That's me being vulnerable with you guys. My unhealthiest times in dating
and church community and young adult communities. I would exclusively date outside my young adult group because I knew that if I cross boundaries or if I made out with this girl in the group, I would see her the next week. Her friends would find out about me. It would probably get back to my friends. It would probably get back to someone who meant to her. It discipled me. It would not be a quote, good look. So the easiest way to combat that was you just go on the dating app. You go
on hinge, you go out with a girl that you've never met before. You have no mutual friends. And if you go stir, there's no blowback. And that was me at my worst. That was me at my unhealthiest. I was listening to a great sermon by Tim Keller. He was talking about this guy. He was very much out there, very gregarious, charismatic. He would be with a lot of girls. He became a Christian. And then once he was a Christian, he still really struggled with ego. He still had to be the
smartest guy in the room. And he would talk about his experience with women. And the second he got them to cross physical boundaries or make out whatever it was, especially in his pagan life, after it happened, he would lose all interest because he wasn't really ever interested in the girl. He was just interested in the power and knowing that he could get them. And I was like, that was really tough for me to hear because I saw a lot of similarities in myself. And not
pre Jesus' self. Like after I accepted Jesus and was still very immature in my walk, I was so mature in the way I dated and treated women. And it brings me great sadness. I try to be vulnerable about that as I talk because I hope there's a guy who hears that and is affected by that because I didn't really hear many men and leaders talk about that experience in their life. I really thought I was the only one going rogue. And it was the worst thing for my friendships, my discipleship,
my spiritual formation and my relationship with God. I literally built like this 10 foot concrete wall between me and intimacy because I had this hidden life. And so what I would say is as a Christian man, as a Christian woman, you can go out and this is what I say about dating apps all the time. Dating apps are not good or bad. They're not evil or good.
In themselves. They are just venues to meet people. Now, if I'm trying to eat healthy and I go to the King China buffet and I go to McDonald's and I go to the Costco food court, I could eat healthy but it's going to be extremely hard. I'm not going to a venue that's really setting me up for success. It's going to be very hard, very challenging to eat something that's really great for my
body. That's under my my core maintenance for the day. Okay. But if I go to subway, if I go to sweet greens, if I go to a salad shop, if I go to a poke, if I go to a venue, again, that's not they're good or bad, but it sets me up much more significantly for success. There's much more variety. That's much more healthy options. The chances that I walk out of there and achieve my goal and find something that's really good for me is really high. And it's the same thing in dating.
If I go to my church group full of singles, there's a hundred singles there, 50 guys, 50 girls, and I'm a guy I'm looking for a girl. There's a really good chance that I'm going to find exactly what I'm looking for in a godly wife at that venue. Versus if I go to a bar right down the street on Broadway on a Friday night, could I find a Christian, could I, if I'm a guy, I'm 29 right now.
What is the statistic and the likelihood that I go to Broadway on a Friday night? It's one o'clock in the morning and I could find a sober, really, really awesome, godly girl who is cold evading a really healthy, awesome, godly relationship in her life at that point in time in her life. Is that impossible? No, it's not impossible. Is that going to be extremely hard to find? Yeah, it's going to be very hard. So where you look for your spouse is important. First of all,
some of you guys are not looking, which is fine. I mean, depending on the place you're at in life, it's fine. I think the one thing I would ask is, are you being really honest with what you want? Do you really want a godly wife? And if so, like, are you pursuing that or you just kind of passively waiting until something falls in your lap, which is fine. If that's just where you are at, I think one thing that happens is some guys are a little too passive about it and that's fine.
They're just not really maybe being honest with the fact that they do want to get married or maybe they just know secretly that they're not ready to get married, which is fine. That's just where they're at. Some guys and some women especially are so frustrated with the dating game, they feel like they've tried anything and everything and this resulted in nothing and that would be frustrating
too. If I was jobless and I was on LinkedIn and I applied for a thousand different jobs and sent them all my cover letters and did all these things and like work and I didn't hear from any of them or I applied for a thousand or her back from 10 and none of those worked out. I would be disappointed and that's super fair. So I'm not saying to skip over your your disappointment. I've
asked out anybody and everybody. There is definitely a time and place where you've if you've overspent, you've overapplied yourself and you're just frustrated, disappointed, and tired as totally okay to just take a time out. And I'm a huge advocate for that. I love the fact that you put yourself out there. You should love the fact that you should put yourself out there like there's a lot to be proud of in that. And if it's just a time for you to focus on building really good friendships with
the people that God has given you in your life right now, that's cool too. But I would say by far in a way, if you're looking for someone who's husband material, someone who's wifey material, there are definitely better places to look than others. And the first thing I want you to be aware of is just the context that you live in. If you live in New York City, Manhattan, the number of Christian women and then in a place that big is statistically going to be so much bigger than if
you lived in Wichita, what is Wichita on Kansas? Okay. So it's going to be very different. Like your pool is just naturally by number is going to be smaller. So you're in a place of 15,000 or 150,000. And one big thing that I love here to introduce is if you're in a smaller place, you should be doing long distance. Like that is a no brainer. And school dating, I alluded to this. Would you rather fish and upon or would you rather fish in the ocean? Like if we're just talking simply numbers here,
if you're in a small area, you got to get those numbers up. Like you're likely to meeting someone with your very, very fine criteria is going to be very small. So let's get those numbers up. And what I would say here is there's also an attitude I see after pain and frustration of waiting a very long time that comes into play with just scarcity. There's scarcity mindset. Again, I'm not going to dive too far into scarcity mindset versus abundance mindset. But I will say one
thing that's really interesting about scarcity mindset is that it's not based in reality. It's not based on truth and it's not based on statistics. It's based on personal experience and anecdotes, which are valuable. That's how you kind of live in the reality that you do. But there is a lot of value of grounding yourself in reality and truth, which is there are so many more statistically speaking singles that exist that I just completely are unaware of have never met and never will.
And here are the numbers. This is this is higher than I thought it would be ages 18 to 30 years old. 27% of the US population identifies as an evangelical Christian to some degree. Okay. Now if that's just like lifestyle, it's just a kind of like a worldview or they're actually cultivating a Christian godly rich deep relationship with Christ. I don't know how you want to split that up. Let's just be
fair. And we'll call it 10% of that. So 27% that number ends up being 8.4 million adults. 8.4 million Christian evangelicals. Let's just say half of those people are actually what we're looking for. Okay. That's about four million singles. That's it. Four million singles and just the United States alone. Okay. JJ, that's the young adults. It definitely doesn't get better. I'm 37. Trust me, there are no good ones left. All the good ones are gone. All the good ones are married. It's
rougher out here than the younger. Guess what? Ages 30 to 50, the percentage is 34%. It goes up. It doesn't even it doesn't say the statement doesn't go down. It goes up 10.5 million. Let's just say half of those five million adults, five million viable godly like that's half the number. You're telling me out of five million. There's not one one that you can make it work with. And then 50 to 65 years old. I don't know if we have any of those. Guess what? The trend goes up
again. 48% 48% 14.8 million singles of that number is that number. So seven and a half. So it goes up and up and up. And that's single adults. Okay. By the way, I filtered it. So what's crazy about that is I always find it funny. You can reveal the numbers. You can reveal the vastness that you can't really wrap your head around. And guess what? Even knowing the truth doesn't defeat a scary speed mindset. It doesn't somehow knowing the bonafide numbers still doesn't change us.
It's not crazy. So what that kind of tells me is we're not dealing with a truth problem in some sense. We're kind of dealing with an experience. And the most often I hear the scary speed mindset coming. It's because it's coming out of fear. And fear has always rooted in some sort of anxiety. And anxiety is always rooted in some kind of control. Anxiety is always rooted in control. And people like to argue that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety. They can't coexist in the
brain is what a lot of neuroscientists and studies have said lately. I actually think it's humility. I actually think it's humility. To control the antidote to control is humility. To be able to say that, hey, I actually cannot take control of the situation. God is totally in control. God's got this. God's got my story. He always has. He always will. And then humility, what God can do and what I can't. I'm going to step back. I think control is always rooted in over estimating the power
that you actually have. Control is always rooted in over estimating the power that you actually have over a situation. And how it has to go this way. And you're so worried and you're so anxious that if it doesn't go this way, then I'm not going to be okay. If I don't get married by this age, then I'm not going to be okay. If I don't get this much sleep, but if I don't get this money, I'm not going to be okay. Control is always rooted in what I think is really best for me.
And that's what leads to anxiety. So I think I know what's best. If it doesn't happen by here, I'm going to be really, really worried about that. And so if that's really convicting at all, I challenge you to humble ourselves. It's always rooted in the idea of who's really in control and whose plan is really better for our lives. Now, if you ask me, okay, this is great, JJ, you're just yapping away. Where do I actually meet these great spouses?
Where do I actually go if you're going to get really practical? And that's a good question. So let me tell you, people say single groups like singles night singles group. I'll be honest, my self included, some people really get the Ick whenever we hear the word singles group singles night singles blinds anything singles blank. And I know, JJ, you guys run a singles conference. I get it. I get it. And it's it's tough sometimes to say that out loud because what it does is it
triggers automatically something desperate, something really high stakes. Think about the difference. You're single, obviously listening to this. Hey, we have a game night this Thursday night, 7 p.m. It's going to be a lot of fun. A bunch of people are coming. Let's do this. I'm down. I can't wait. It's exciting. Hey, we got a singles night Thursday night 7 p.m. Come as your best self. Dude, just when just came up and you just now,
who's going to be there? How many guys? How many girls? What am I going to wear? What is what is the ones there? Who's going to be there? What am I X's? It's so funny because whatever you call it, if you're in a 20 to 40 year old young adult, and I call young adults, anyone under 40 really at this point, if you call anything a young adult night, a game night, a fun night, a whatever night, 90% of the people that are coming are what? Single. It's the same thing. That's
why I'm just such a huge train of just never call it a singles night. Never use the word mixture because everyone's guards go up. Everyone's anxiety goes through the roof. Everyone gets nervous. No one's acting like themselves. No one's relaxed. No one's really having fun because they're just more concerned about making it happen. They are about just connecting with people. That's why it's so hard. Yes, I love that we can get intentional on speed day. But everyone's guards are up.
No one's really authentic. I mean, I don't want to speak exhaustively here, but it's very hard to genuinely and authentically connect. Everyone's putting their best foot forward. Everyone's selling and marketing themselves. It's very difficult sometimes to be genuinely yourself. So I don't really like to say single groups. I just like to say young adult groups, game nights, fun nights, you know, all these things that the majority of people are coming are
single. Once I last saw you into a young adult night and someone is coming with their two-year-old kid, like a married couple, it just doesn't happen. Who's coming on a Thursday night at 7 o'clock? Singles and some people who are dating, okay? But for me, technically until the ring is on the finger, this is a hot take. I think it's fair game. Like, if someone's been dating a few months, I know it's spicy, but I think it's fair game. They're not engaged. They're not husband and wife.
So yeah, I know, but there's definitely a nice, there's definitely a good and healthy and honorable way to do that. But anyway, idea number two, I love that. I love this one. I can't think of a better place. Instead of Broadway at 1 a.m., which I'm not saying is impossible, I just think about this all the time. How amazing would it be to meet your spouse as you guys are volunteering somewhere? As you guys are volunteering, in which, by the way, I'm really convicted on this one.
If you're pro-life, what are you doing about that? What are you doing about that? If you're pro-life, why are we not actively volunteering or giving money to any kind of pro-life, foster care adoption system or organization? Like, I hope that is one thing that changes. Kate and I are very convicted about this. We really, really want to adopt. Even if it comes at the cost of having our own natural kid, I am definitely out of place where it's like, it's fun to have a natural kid, but I just don't
know as Christians in the spirit of adoption and what we are caught out of. How we can never not adopt in our lifetime. Pain trees, food pantries. I love this one. Young adult ministries or college ministries specifically, like 18 to 24-year-olds. By the way, high school and youth too, like six through 12th grade, hey, these kids need you. These kids need you. I love running hearted dating. I love having an awesome, amazing ministry of full of just amazing singles who were just
so on fire for God. And yet, I'm still convicted at the end of the day that we're not really discipling kids at the high school. Ten minutes down the road. And so we've been volunteering more with the football team there. Getting more involved in helping out with the chaplain. Not only do these kids need you in their lives, whether it's young life or, you know, Cambridge, Crusade, I would just say what better place to meet a spouse at those as you two
serve along together. Meetup.com. I've heard I've never tried that one. I heard it's really great. Sports and hobbies might be one of my favorite ones. That's just because, you know, I love athletics. I think team, fun, sport activities are some of the best ways to connect because you're not just awkwardly sitting. You're kind of have a sense of camaraderie together building something achieving, winning and losing together. You can flirt as you guys get to connect with each other
every single week. The gym is a really great place. I mean, you guys are already going to the gym. You already have your eyes on that gym crush. I know you do run clubs are super popular. Don't just go if you're in great shape. Go if you're out of shape. What better place to have group accountability? And there are way more people out of shape at a run club than you
would ever imagine. So go to a run club and have a great time. Like there's, it is never in, in my opinion, it's never been easier to post COVID to connect with people because people are so hungry for it. You can do the dance nights. That's a very popular way. I know people who do swing dancing, but Chata, they have a great time doing dancing and they've gotten really good as the other side note. Part of dating Facebook group, we have subgroups that are based on regions and
cities. Conference is a great way. Camp HOD coming up is an amazing way. Church affiliated. I think the church is always going to be the one of the best worship nights are really great. You guys are already going to those. Your main motivation for going is a worship or is it to connect with other singles and friends? Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. I have a hot take, which is I think if people were being honest, they go to church much more frequently and often to meet people. Maybe people
with opposite sex, maybe friends, and they really admit. They like the worship, but you know, it's not always about that. Game nights, dude, if you are not going to game nights, start hosting them. That is one of the best ways. Stop making excuses. Stop complaining. Stop being so frustrated. And go out and say, if this doesn't exist, why can't I create it? Why not? Why not me? Why not me?
Missionary groups, missionary trips, youth groups, like just serving. And as you meet people, and I'll wrap on this, as you meet people, here's some great phrases to keep in mind because you can get frustrating and get daunting and get nerve wracking. I totally get it. So always keep this in mind because you have to date out of a foundation. You have to date out of identity,
which is this. I don't have to sell or market myself. I can just be me. I can just be me. And that is going to be the best foundation, the best identity to go out and meet people who happen to be your friend. And maybe one of them becomes your spouse as that you are just you from the very beginning. Because why would you want someone to like an alternative version of yourself? And to the idea of selling and marketing yourself means I'm not really good enough by myself.
Authentically, just being me. There's no way someone actually will enjoy that person. So I got to go out and manufacture and think about what they would like and say that funny thing and do that nice thing and dress myself like this. Because I don't think someone would actually like me for me. I think another great thing to keep in mind is my love story and my spouse is a subplot, not the main story. So when I meet someone new, I don't have to be sizing
them up for marriage. Sure, they can be attractive. Sure, they can be cute. Sure, they can be my type. Sure, they can be blah, blah, blah. But guess what? I can just authentically connect with them and be friends. And I don't have to be constantly putting people as a puzzle piece of my life. My love story and who I'm married is just a subplot of my life, not the main story. And if things work out with this person, then great. And if not great, I'll be totally fine. My ego is not
going to check if I get ghosted. My ego is not going to get a check if I get rejected. And especially harder than that is if they do say yes, if I do get excited, my ego is not going to get puffed up. It's not going to get built up. They say yes. We'll just see where this thing goes. I get it is exciting. But equally, whether we're rejected or we're accepted or ego is not filled, it's not deflated. In fact, it is really not existing in the sense of I don't really care anymore
what people think about me or what they say. I only care what God thinks. I don't even care what I think of myself. That's what Paul says, at least. So the last thing is, you know, I would probably say this, if you look at what you have in life, friendships, connections, people, how many God these spouses and options are out there, you'll always see more. And if you look at what you don't have in life, you'll always see and have less. So blessings to you guys. I hope
this encouraged you guys. I hope for those of you who feel defeated, you feel seen and validated. And for those of you who need to get out there, put yourself out there. You feel rejuvenated and energize that. If someone else isn't going to do it, guess what? I am. Let's go. Have a great day.