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The best leaders I've ever been around have one thing in common. They all have the humility to admit that they cannot do it alone. The best leaders in life admit one thing. They need help. They have blind spots, and they deeply need wise counsel.
What's up fam? It's your boy JJ. This is a mini man so Friday. We are in season 13 hot takes. You guys know we are starting the pot, but hopefully out of a edifying, encouraging. Let's just think about this from another angle perspective. There's nothing
in me that wants to get all these episodes, stir the pot, make people upset, and really what it comes down to is when I challenge men specifically, the tough part about doing it on Instagram or short form media where there's only 15 seconds or 25 seconds is there's no background and there's no context, which is this. All I think about is you guys specifically single men.
Like I'm obsessed with serving and encouraging and loving single men. I don't think there's enough people in this world who are focused on just exclusively encouraging, loving, building up and edifying single men. I think it's so easy to criticize them to judge them to point out what they're doing wrong and that provide no solutions, no recommendations like I really think culture's favorite punching bag.
Is single men like it is as men in general and then single men specifically 20 to 30 years old. I just feel like have a huge cross here on their back. So when we talk about something like physical traction and I'm coming in there and I'm challenging a man to question his physical traction and why I only do that because I want you to have a fulfilled godly, awesome, healthy, wonderful marriage.
With an amazing woman who you find attractive, but more importantly, loves God. Like that is my top priority, my biggest wish for any single guy who wants to get married is that. So in today's episode, when I say something like hot take, boyfriends should not spiritually lead their girlfriends. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do we mean here? Okay.
And this is a really fun episode because I'm so passionate about it. I love to see godly couples, godly relationships, like with a ultimate focus of not what can you provide for me, but how can we work together and glorify God?
I think that is a wonderful equation. However, just like what we do in Christian culture, sometimes, whether we overspiritualize something or because we're hyper intentional, we have a way of letting things get out of hand in the name of hyper intentionality. What do I mean by that? Well, we'll find out in just a second.
Before we get there, two quick things, what I'm loving and in my DMs, what I'm loving to be honest, I listen to a lot of different teachers, but there's just something about the way Francis chain teaches in the sense of I'm one number one, he's so clear on this.
Here's what I prayed before I spoke to you guys, I was walking in the park this morning, I was walking and praying this week, and I was just honestly asking God, what should I teach on this Sunday? What should I teach on? And just listening, I love that because I think of Paul, when I read a lot of the New Testament and Paul's letters to the Corinthians, the church and Ephesus, I love how the first chapters always just like,
I think about you guys and pray about you guys all the time. Here's what I feel like God is saying to me to speak to you all, let me remove everything about myself, and let me just simply try to reflect and repeat what I think that God is saying to me to say to you guys.
I love that because Francis chain will come up there and he's not trying to an election impress people, he's not trying to get, he'll literally talk about like on stage, I hate being up here because even as I talk, I can feel like poison, poison of the platform, seeping in thoughts on do people like me, are they impressed by me?
Is this it will people be affected by this message and he goes, man, forget about all that God helped me to forget about all that he had a great, great, great sermon on humility is about five or 10 years ago.
I've never thought about humility in a sense that he teaches it and I think it is probably D1 character trait and quality when taught well that is probably the most defining like here's a good example when we put ourselves in comparison to the sovereign God of the universe like we are a speck of dust compared to this infinite amazing words can even begin to describe the alpha and the mega the presence of God.
And we are just this infinitely small speck of dust well it's out of humility where I see the greatness of God and I recognize how small I am in that sense and I think that's humility that's an aspect of humility. My self compared to God is so humbling is so humbling I think about Isaiah and the presence of God where he was undone and humility in the all of God he had another teaching those listen to call the power of the quiet life.
I think if you are a leader with any kind of current platform underneath you and desire to have platform in your future and teaching it is one of the best sermons I think that should be mandatory for anyone who wants to have any co aspect of influence in their life.
And in the same way like if I'm being honest I there's nothing about me that wants to come on these episodes and hear myself talking there's nothing about me that wants to see by the way you guys sent amazing messages after last week's episode super encouraging I'm glad you guys enjoyed it but I genuinely mean it like I fight so hard and I seriously like to straight to the end of the day.
To straight to the cross there's nothing about me that wants to come on here and really just get a good job that was so impressive that was so awesome you're like there's nothing about me that wants to get on here for myself really the primary reason why I want to get on here is just to serve single men and love single men and really provide you guys with something I wish I would have had as a single man that that is really good.
That that is why I'm here and I just I just don't want to be on platform for platform sake I don't want to grow hard to dating's podcasts to massive numbers because we want to influence I just genuinely want to stew it exactly what God has in front of us not a single person more not a single person less but most importantly like I don't want to post and talk about my relationship with God if it's not genuine and authentic here's a good example someone asked me the other day.
I don't feel comfortable if I do a really nice date night with Kate of capturing it you know setting it to her social media girl and having a really nice awesome real you know encouraging men to date their women well with intention with romanticism with really kind of loving their women as the woman wants to be loved if I'm not doing that 10 out of 10 times meaning I just think it's it's an authentic and I'm not going to get on with that.
I'm not going to be a romantic and and deceitful for me to create some piece of content if 90% of my time in my life I'm not genuinely doing it routinely and consistently so I'm not going to do a really nice day for Kate and capture it and then post it to encourage you guys and challenge men if I'm not doing that 9 out of 10 times as you know alongside that single time.
I'm not doing the same way with teaching like I never want to be in a position of teaching where my quiet life my quiet time our prayer life as not 90% of it and you guys are just getting a snapshot and really that's what it is.
So I hope that's helpful for instance Shane doubles down on both of those things great talks that's what I'm loving lately and in my DMs here's a great question you guys have been sending me a lot more questions lately they are so awesome I love the fact that you guys have quote the humility to just hop on Instagram send a DM saying I'm struggling with this what do you think about that like that takes a lot of courage to do and I think as many just takes a lot of.
A lot of gum shouldn't say I need help let me just DM somebody NAS going to hope hearted a thing and myself are like a good anonymous resource that you can ask any question and it gets answer for you and it gets answer for other guys and here's a good example what sub J. J.
I just recently got plugged in at this church here in this city i'm not going to reveal the church or the city just to keep this guy anonymous he says i'm just curious what would be the best way to number one meet and get to no girls but also not come across as a.
I'm not coming across as obviously trying to talk to every girl there coming across as a player and being weird if that makes sense I don't want to build myself and have the wrong reputation from the beginning there's also a young adult group on Fridays that I can go to you and there's a lot of cute girls there but also in the new bubble where people don't really know me yet so lots of opportunity to get to no girls lots of opportunity to pursue girls but he's new what do I do such a good question.
My rule of thumb if you're in a new city a new community a new church and your single is dude please give it six months like that I don't know why it's arbitrary three months seven months like you can pick any of them my my favorite is just six months like just give it six months of just being single and not dating anybody six months and your top priority is this building as rich and great as friendships as possible.
As possible with both sexes guys and girls attractive unattractive have a lot to offer you have nothing to offer you just build as many great deep spiritually rich friendships as possible before you even consider dating anybody and if it happens to be a girl that you end up dating well the best news for you is you have amazing friendship foundation to go off all for that I don't
like to think about psychoanalyzing what other people might be thinking about you how do I come across I don't want to be a player but I do want to date this girl like for me in the way I just encourage men is like hey let's not try to just guess what every single person in this group or this community
thinks about you like let's just not play that game and let's just focus on really great things for your life which is building new friendships which is building a great community and then after six months if there's a girl especially maybe one that you
didn't notice that first who really six out to you you love her character you've really enjoyed seeing what you've seen so far and you just love to take her out on a date well after six months let's do that like I think you have a ton of rapport I think you have a ton of equity in the group
I think people know yet you're not a player because you didn't just come in there guns of blazing asking out every girl like I just I love that if you want to be quote strategic with it I think you can just never go wrong focusing on building great friendships building great relationships building great community and then after that if something happens with a specific girl then yes absolutely ask her out more importantly if it doesn't you know
lead to more dates and a relationship leave her better than you found them and then dude you're totally set up and good to ask out another girl like maybe the next month or a couple months after that but man if you're like treating women as you should
like you should be able to call them up on your next date and ask them hey would you recommend me as a guy that you would date and I would hope because of the way that you treated them that you honor them they could say yeah even though it didn't work out between us you like I would highly recommend you to one of my friends great
character great guy absolutely please go on a date with this dude like that's how it should go down and it can go down but it's rare and I I didn't have that happen with me because I was not dating in an awesome way like I was I was kissing I was making out I was more interested in what I could get out of it for my pleasure that I was leaving a girl better than I found her
okay that's in my DMs I hope that was helpful great question I love the humility guys please keep those questions coming in my DMs I love love love serving you guys individually and your questions are so helpful for other guys I'll listen to here's my hot take okay many man so Friday season 13 boyfriends are not spiritually lead their girlfriends whoa wait a minute did he really just go there did he really okay so let's clarify what when I hear this question
traditionally what it kind of sounds like is this should a dating relationship reflect the biblical complimentary covenantal relationship of marriage like should it be like a trial run of marriage and my answer is no like my answer is just simply no and the challenge with that is the Bible really
doesn't give a blueprint for dating like we've covered this multiple times secular dating as we know it today in 2024 the year of our Lord 2024 is 120 years old it started off as a form of prostitution right women did not have disposable income
but they started going to college and leaving the house for the first time men who had income and salaries and jobs and careers would basically say hey do you want to go on a date with me we're going to go get a nice dinner we're going to go see a movie we're going to go dancing and return for that fine that they provided then the woman paid him back in sex and that was originally the the first forms of secular dating as we know it today and that word dating okay so
that will doesn't give us instead of that this is what dating should look like it doesn't it gives us a lot of examples of arranged marriages and biblical times and ancient times arranged the way it really worked is they would they wouldn't really meet each other until they were at the altar and got married they wouldn't really see each other until they got married so when we say should a dating
relationship reflect the complimentary covenant relationship of marriage absolutely not these are two completely different relationships okay one is a covenant and one is one friend getting to know another friend in an evaluation process to see whether or not we should go into relationship and then when you're in a relationship seeing whether or not you guys should get into a covenant and relationship and I and I say that with and I'm so straightforward and strong
with it off the off the bat because of this and I'll start here I just personally I know this is an anecdote and you guys ask yourself this as well I just and I'm only in the beginning of the year 29 have seen way too many couples playing marriage and I see this in younger relationships especially 17 18 19 20 years old and I also see it in older
relationships like people who are 34 38 42 who just think like wisdom and the rules don't really apply to them anymore like both both of them have this in common that's what I'm basically saying is 22 to 34 year olds do it perfectly now okay everyone's prone to do it I would just say those are two or maybe the age ranges I see it most profoundly
but this you know like they they're playing marriage like having sleepovers whether you're having sex or not I don't really care okay in the sense of like I just think even sleepovers is playing marriage spiritually acting as one like one unit you know that and that looks like this emotionally and vulnerable you guys are just getting like naked together like you guys are so
deeply intertwined I see way too many couples like depending and leaning on each other as if like you were already married like you guys are closer you guys are emotionally investing more time and energy exclusively into one another than you are into your mentors into your friendships into your church and to the body of Christ like you guys have already elevated one another and I'm not saying you guys specifically I'm seeing way too many
couples elevate their girlfriend or their boyfriend as basically a spouse before there's even a ring on the finger and engagement or like you guys are married and that's just like I just see way too many couples jumping in way too quickly way too early and kind of just skipping all of it and they do it out of one word we are supposed to be intentional we're supposed to be intentional and I get it like I totally get it
but I guess what I also see like leading to this is this like before that happens I see two things I see a lot of women looking for a man to lead them like they are unable to do it themselves as a single woman like there's this attitude of women and I'm not saying all women I'm just saying some that I've seen like they are so looking forward to submitting and leading on a big strong man to lead them but it's almost like a helplessness
and until they find that man they're just kind of hanging out but they're not really leading themselves they're not living out of that it's so cliche but if you read Proverbs 31 and look at the characteristics of the woman that they describe she's a boss like she is not operating out of like a I'm single and I'm doing it but I need someone to lead me
like I need a big strong man to protect me and lead me like she's not waiting on anything okay and then on the flip side and I'm not saying every man I'm seeing some I see a lot of men looking forward to leading their wife and their families who are not even leading themselves well in singleness
I see a lot of single men pretending and thinking that they are ready to be a husband and a father who are not even leading themselves in singleness and that for me just doesn't make sense like let me put it this way and this is me like this was me as a single for a lot of my time what you're signing up for as a as a husband and a father is you are the priest you are the protector you are the pastor and you are the provider and your marriage and your family
does that sound like an easy job does that sound like something you just wake up do devotional and you just kind of happen to lead well like no it is it is the big leagues like it's a grind it's deeply sanctifying it's deeply challenging I would say it's growing at times
just because of the the massive responsibility you're signing up for and you can't do it on your own that's the other thing you know is like you have to get really really good at letting the Holy Spirit lead in your life depending on other men seeking help and guidance and wisdom and advice until you as a single man are leading yourself with excellence you are not ready for the responsibility of relationship
and one of the one of the reasons maybe you're not married yet is because you would destroy the opportunity to lead well because you are not ready for the responsibility of relationship and that's all I'll say as far as what I see sometimes in the men and I wish and I'm glad as a 24 year old I didn't get married because I was not ready
I was so immature and a lot of ways I was I was immature even up into the moment I met Kate as I dated her like I had to grow out of a lot of boyish ways until Kate said yes to marry me and that was the best thing ever for me sometimes you got to be forged by the fire but as much as possible I would love for single men to forge themselves and singleness before they get to the trials of relationship and marriage
like I think that's the best thing you could ever do and that takes a ton of proactive responsibility for sight and wisdom and then the last thing I would say is spiritually lead I see a lot of men spiritually lead because that's what they think we'll get the girl I see a lot of men engage and try to spiritually because it's what they're supposed to do and it's really good for locking down a girl
showing them spiritually how mature you are leading them through a Bible study and praying because that's going to really impress the girl and that's going to lock her down we want to spiritually lead because number one we want to please God and two that's his commitment for you to do like point blank it has nothing to do with the approval of the girl as nothing to do with locking her down as nothing to do with impressing her or anyone else
we want to spiritually lead because this is God's command for you the the opportunity and the gift and responsibility of leading in the headship model and that's a huge deal my dad works in B2B marketing he came by my school for career day and said he was a big row as man
then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend my friends still laughing me to this day not everyone gets B2B but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign go to LinkedIn dot com slash results to claim your credit that's LinkedIn dot com slash results terms and conditions apply LinkedIn the place to be to be so let's get back to the question should boyfriends spiritually lead their girlfriends
well the answer is yes they should lead in some ways and and really they should lead in the same ways that they're leading in other relationships of their lives but primarily a boyfriend should lead his girlfriend by example by example like that is number one
and I would say like it in relationship and dating it's going to look different because it's not a reflection of covenant relationship and the headship model and the headship model the man and then this starts in Genesis from the time Adam is created Adam was charged with the discipleship pastoring providing and protecting and the responsibility of Eve and the family okay that is not your duty in relationship when you're in a dating relationship
you are not in charge of discipling pastoring providing and protecting and and she is not her well being is not entirely your responsibility okay but I see I see people kind of adopt that in relationship so they think marriage and covenant this is my role in responsibility and we make total sense that relationship and dating should reflect those same things
it's like a trial run that's not the case okay covenant relationship saying I do at the altar before God and a sovereign union before him and two becoming one is so it's another universe of what dating and relationships is okay so do we just criticize JJ do we just say no and and and leave it at that absolutely not we we have to provide some kind of framework this is just simply what I thought of as I prayed about this as I want to encourage men this is not an end all be all list
I think you guys should absolutely consult the wisest the spiritual godly men in your life I think you should talk about this amongst your brothers like the guys you are dating alongside with you see what they're doing and listen and look for what is really mature and I would just say maybe start here you guys can listen together with this
you should be a spiritually leading your girlfriend and these ways number one encouraging her and edifying her I love this privately pray for her I love this idea privately pray for her if you're concerned about her if you have wishes for her if you have desires for her privately pray for her and offer that up to God God would you please encourage Kate would you please show her
your unconditional love for her and her time right now would you please give her great friendships please give her great female friendships where they can be vulnerable please Holy spirit speak to her give her ears to listen a sobriety to your voice like I love supplementing a relationship and private prayer for them like as much as it is for them ironically it is the best like skill you could ever have for
yourself which is basically releasing change in their life to God releasing change in their life to God I love this encourage and edify her by verbally speaking to her speaking life into her speak life into her gifts if she's amazing and wonderful with children encourage her not with not with the twist of you are so good with children wink what what if we had a huge family together like and romanticizing about
parents hey you are so wonderful with children I don't know why you're not serving in kids church but if you've ever thought about it like please just consider this like me absolutely calling out the gold and the gifting in your life like you need to be working with children that is a gift that God has blessed you with and there are children who need to be around you because you are such a light and peaceful presence and their life like you
are way too much of a gift here not to be engaging with children and some kind of capacity in your life like you are speaking life into her I think another way to encourage and edify is to learn together like learning together is a really amazing thing listening to her that's a great way to encourage edify and love her well in a relationship while you're dating the irony of this is even though I say that relationship and dating is not a reflection of
covenant marriage and union together guess what those practices private prayer speaking life into them learning together listening together those are all things that you do and marriage if you if you guys get married those are like fundamental things that you guys will continue to do together and you get to do with her which is encourage and edify her like I could not think of a better skill for single men to learn as they
lead in and dating relationship engagement and marriage as those things number two you should be leading in this way spiritually pursuing her like you are leading in this way you're leading the pace you're leading the conversations the fun ones and the hard ones and you're leading the direction a good example of this is a girl should never ask you what your intentions are she should never have to ask you what exactly
are your intentions with me because it's really unclear right now I hope that you're proactively giving some sense of direction how how you stand and where you want to go with her consistently and in case you don't know what this is this is called the DTR to find the relationship you're also leading in the pace which is in the pursue which is asking her out you're asking her out consistently I would love to see you again this is what I'm thinking and then you're following up and executing
like that that means is hey I had a wonderful time with you last night I would love to know if you would like to go out on another date with me these are the times I work for me next week and you let me know which is best for you and I'll get back to you with the plan in advance of what we're doing what kind of outfit you need to wear I can't wait to see you this is such an honor for me to be able to take you out on another date like that is pursuing her okay you get to lead
and and then you also get to pursue and lead in this communication boundaries how you guys are honoring one another this means sexually physically emotionally spiritually you are respecting
her boundaries you're laying out your boundaries you're curiously compassionately asking where her boundaries are and you guys are like consistently loudly out in the open talking about boundaries because you want to love and honor one another like this is this is the best way boyfriends can spiritually lead their girlfriends is a
emotionally sexually and spiritually talking about boundaries that needs to be its own podcast episode but I would absolutely say how you guys do boundaries how you can communicate about them how you plan and honor them says everything about your relationship speaking of which the best way to uphold boundaries talk about them communicate about them really really have a clear expectation here is to invite other people in like one of the best ways you can
really lead your girlfriend is this you invite other people in please you guys hear this all the time from heart of dating please do not some marine like do the opposite whatever takes please do not some marine one of the best practices in dating and relationship is inviting wise counsel in early and guess what this is the same thing in marriage like the worst couples and the marriages that struggled the absolute most are the ones who are doing it alone please please
do not some marine if you especially if you guys struggle or have struggled sexually emotionally spiritually with boundaries or any of these things like this notice for you please pause this episode hit up your best friend hit up your pastor that you've avoided for a while head up that old accountability partner and that mentor who you're just too embarrassed too ashamed and just say hey like please do that right now I
love to do this well maybe that means I have a breakup coming up on my hands maybe this means we can try and work it out together but just please let this be a moment where you are inviting someone in like I think about this all the time how do people change is it like is this episode or this sermon like is it intellectually stimulating enough is it enough of a emotional experience where you're just move to action
I think about how people actually change from these episodes and sermons and small groups and conferences all the time and the thing I just cannot get away from that I feel like it is the secret hidden answer is inviting other people in like making it unavoidable that I'm going to see this person
like they are going to be all my calendar and because they're all my calendar affects the way I live my life and I also think that the best leaders in life realize this the best leaders I've ever been around have a winning and common they all have the humility to admit that they cannot do it alone the best leaders and life admit one thing they need help they have blind spots and they deeply need wise council if this is true for
pastors if this is true for the best CEOs around us if this is true for the best husbands that we want to be like this is definitely true for you and it's true for me like I need the wisest council in my life I'm not built to do this alone and then the last way I spiritually you can lead your girlfriend my favorite one and this actually applies all relationships is this just simply modeling the life of a Christian simply like the absolute best way
dating and relationship engagement and marriage with your family with your co-workers with your best friends the best way you can spiritually lead is just simply modeling the life of Christ and then you can make a servant leadership you are constantly looking around the room asking who can I serve not who I can make happy not co-dependently like take care of them so I can take care of myself their
feelings is my responsibility that's not what I'm talking about simple servant leadership how can I love and serve those around me after I've taken care of my needs and my emotions my feelings how can I step into a room and affect positive loving kindness and change your life independent of her spiritually will be the most effective most powerful way to lead her spiritually in your entire life that
inspired her to love God and her own life and submit to God way more than you could ever convince her with your words and spiritual leadership has so much more these days of a elevation of yourself and your words and what you're doing and how you're speaking to someone
that really is an elevation of a life with Christ and Christ living through you spiritual leadership has everything to do with elevating Christ in you that it does elevating yourself and your ways and your habits and your words and how you're affecting someone else
like the best way I could ever model someone what my Christ like life is like is having Christ live in me and speak through me and come out of me your actions teach so much more loudly than your words in this your habits speak volumes and
attitudes about who you are much more than your words and I I just would love for every single man to get to a place where they are modeling such Christ like this in their life that they find women who are falling in love not just with them but they're falling in love with the Jesus in your life
and I think that's the same marriage like that doesn't change a marriage and so that's just what I would say I mean I can I can close with this like ways I've seen boyfriends leading spiritually that I don't think like my op ed here I don't think like praying together as one unit is kosher
and I don't really don't strongly caution against using God as a way to bond like I feel like that's trying to build a covenant bond before God as one unit and you're also kind of like using God to like bond with one another as a means to an end like you in your relationship with this girl is more important than really it is to just exploring it to know God together
and then I think my last one is this main if you're going deeper with each other than you are like your mentors your best friends your pastors especially in the beginning I would say like that is a major red flag I would say it's going to feel really good it's going to feel like you guys are bonding it's because you are you guys are going deeper with each other than you are your individual relationships mentors pastors and best friends like that is that is like husband and wife territory
that is supposed to be reserved for husband and wife and you probably have a lot more issues with relationships and intimacy in your life and you're just trying to find a fun exciting way to fulfill that with a hinge match or a new person that you just met and you're just doing it in all the wrong ways
so I would just say that's definitely a major place for you to stop pause and reset and say why are my current relationships not going this deep and not getting this vulnerable like what is going on there and until you figure that out I would say you're not ready because you're just going to be going into relationship expecting this person to be anything and everything like God for you
and you're going to have no support system you're going to have no deep rich friendships pastors mentors or anyone to do life with and I would just say that's a very dangerous tough place to be okay I love you guys have the most wonderful blessed weekend if you're a dude please send this to your friends and talk about it I wish I would have had this please keep the DMs coming we love you guys and have a blessed day let's go