What's up fam? This is JJ. We are back with season 3 of the Mini Man-sode Fridays. Let's go. I cannot believe Kate has let us go on this long. It's been so fun. I hope you guys really enjoy that one-two punch of the week. We'd like to get nitty gritty on Wednesdays with Kate. And then hopefully these, well, what's ironic is last season we said these were supposed to be fun and short. And then you guys know we went there.
We got thick and heavy with scripture. We talked about headship. We talked about submission. We talked about some of these really hard topics from a male's point of view, which I actually really enjoy some of these things. If you grow up with any kind of Christian household, we're taught things. And sometimes we never look, look them up. We don't really know why we believe the things we believe. And so sometimes it's really awesome to just get under the hood of our spiritual life or believe.
And ask, why do I believe this is this true? What was the teaching at the time actually saying and how does that apply to my life today? So this whole season we are doing red flags, which is super fun because as we've talked about people use red flags and they use deal breakers interchangeably. The hard reality of life is that I have to look into the mirror and admit one thing. I have red flags too. Why? Because I'm a human being. And red flags are really just like that.
Really just these are things in my character. These are things in my personality. These are just tendencies where I fail. Okay, I have a great a fail. And what I love about that from a spiritual lenses, just because this is my weakness doesn't mean it just has to be my weakness. And for me, you know, the second you start thinking about weakness and second Corinthians 12. It's, hey, guess what? When it comes to my weakness. What I used to be ashamed about what I used to be terrible at.
That's what I rely on Christ, his grace is sufficient in my weakness. And therefore I boast all the more in my weakness. I'm totally okay being transparent and vulnerable about my weakness, my ability to be distracted, my ability to really struggle to prioritize time, my ability or inability to take things seriously to be an intimate spot.
That for me, those are the red flags. If you had to ask Kate and really if you ask anybody if they're in the engagement relationship, you know, really considering marriage process for us, a huge question that we ask is what, what are their red flags? What are their red flags? And if you look at me with rose colored glasses and you say, they really have none. They are just that amazing. Unlike time out here. Like we, I was concerned. Now I'm very concerned.
Because the reality of life is you should marry someone and you should have a great idea of what are the red flags in their life? What are the main issues, the character flaws and the sense of, you know, what do they struggle with? What do you know going into marriage is going to be a challenge for you all? And more importantly, what are they doing? What are they showing you in their life to grow in that area?
Because when you marry someone, you're not marrying them as they are today. You're marrying them for the next 50 years. And you basically, you know, are marrying that growth trajectory. So if you're marrying someone who's been plateaued spiritually and characterized for a couple of years, nothing magical is going to happen after that marriage point is going to keep going.
You want to find someone who it's like picking out a great stock, you look at the data of their life, what are they signaling to you is up into the right. You see a lot of growth. You're saying a lot of awesome indicators and you're basically saying I'm willing to make that bet for the next 30 40 50 years.
They're going to continue to grow. That is the best thing you can marry. And that comes with red flags that comes with concerns and challenges where they're not perfect. But again, you're marrying them for who you think they're going to be. So take that with the grain of salt, but two degree we're all marrying on potential.
That is not a message we broadcast a lot, but it's a very real one. That was maybe the longest intro of my life. But welcome back to the man. So there we go, baby. A couple of housekeeping items, you know, we got the Patreon rolling in again. That is our way of saying, hey, we need help.
We love this podcast. We are committed to doing this podcast. Genuinely, that's us saying we need help. And what I would ask you, like yes, you listening to this is if hearted dating has contributed in your life significantly. That would be an amazing way if you are looking to give back and support us to keep supporting you and to keep supporting the singles who come after you. This is the best way we have a couple different levels in the Patreon. That is my favorite thing going on right now.
And into the episode today, we are talking about I love this one. You ready today's episode is on main character energy. Okay, as what the what I say is millennials, we got this kind of weird Gen Z millennial hybrid going on right now. And really what I would say is I would call it a main character syndrome in the sense of when it becomes a red flag, it's a main character syndrome as in like there is something going on here and that's not okay. So a lot of you guys are asking.
And especially if you're maybe not familiar with the zillennial TikTok terms main character energy is going to be very different or new for you. I can happily illustrate it with a couple of examples and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. But if you ask me what is main character energy or main character syndrome, I would say it really is a funny Gen Z millennial way to honestly talk about narcissistic tendencies.
That is like really what it is and what I kind of like, you know, it's like a Zillennial invention to talk about narcissistic tendencies. Now, you know, which narcissism and narcissistic tendencies is by far in a way, the most hot.
Overuse word of today's time like if you were just trying to describe anything remotely selfish, the person goes into what they're just a narcissist and unfortunately what happens with that is it really does lose its weight like when everyone's a narcissist, no one's a narcissist and when you actually encounter a true narcissist to that extreme degree.
It kind of loses weight. So one thing that I like to say is, you know, on a spectrum of narcissistic tendencies, this is like a very, very heavy case like that is a person where there is no mistaking it and what I would just say is main character energy is just a way to kind of describe that spectrum.
And now how far they are on the spectrum, I guess you could say depends on how much main character energy they have. Now I think, you know, this kind of Zillennial wave describing it is kind of interesting because what what it looks like for me is that it's actually kind of a whole pass for behavior that I would say is just flat out like self centered like it really is just main character energy is a excuse or fun way to just being self centered.
And that's really what it is because it does surface and both genders. But really what it looks like is like the main character energy or main character syndrome is all the lights are focused on you like the cameras are all turn that's flashing red carpet.
They are the central character like the protagonist, the star of their own lives. And you know, for me, I think about it in a steer your typical way, I actually do find this servicing a little bit more in the female, you know, gender like I really do if in a steer your typical way, I would say a 24 year old girl who just records everything in her life.
You know, from her making her ice coffee in the morning to go in the work to, you know, get ready with me now to degree, I actually I think there's a lot of funness and you know, they basically are romanticizing their everyday life, which I'm all for. But you know, what I would say is this kind of main character like, is it me on the problem like I think that's a great example of main character energy worth like kind of a hall pass like if I'm being honest.
I know we got some Taylor Swift truthers, you know, guys and girls in the house, but the Taylor Swift like it's me on the problem it's me like is it me am either problem like I don't find that funny and I don't really think it's cool. I know it seems harsh, I know I seem like some grouchy old dude, but like I do think at the bottom of that there is this kind of like hall pass he he funny right off of behaviors or mannerisms or things that are just not kosher like I don't subscribe to it.
And you know from this kind of TikTok Instagram thing where you know people jump in the middle of traffic and do a whole entire TikTok dance for 30 seconds listen if it's a cross walk and like you know there's people walking by and you want to do that.
I know ahead I really don't have a problem with it, but I think when you expect everyone to stop like cars people walking everything to kind of cater and stop just so that you can have the camera focus on you and you are interrupting other people's lives for your moment. And you think like you guys can obviously see in that spectrum of you know the main character energy work quickly becomes all about you to the detriment and cost of other people and you just simply don't care.
I think some other great examples like you see these videos of the gym influencers who get upset with people like walking in front of their camera like totally unoblivious or unaware like again for me that's just an expression of everyone should know who you are what you're doing you know and like cater to going out of their way so that you can have your video of yourself working out again like I just think it's an overinflated sense of self.
I think that you know Gen Z millennials you know like there is an element of main character energy where people use this to romanticize every day moments of like their love stories their life their career moments life. I'm actually all for that like I really think it's cool that they celebrate you know even the mundane of life the funness of life you know they're going to get ready for a Taylor Swift concert get ready with me make up to tour all.
Do you think I'm all for it you know I do think there is like a lot of fun and being creative and expressing your life and sharing it with the world that way you know there's that creator who does the like still shot you know where it's like lots of lot to color like a funny quirky music video of like their life where it's just a person standing like symmetrically in the camera at different parts of their day I'm all for it you know and I I do think though there's a very quick way where this escalates really into the world.
Really into that whole past of living in just a very self center lifestyle and behaving however you want because you all you are the main character and everyone else is in an accessory to your story so I do you think initially main character energy and syndrome might seem actually super charismatic like there are people that you are around who are extroverted
here's mad charming funny gregarious they really have a great way of like moving conversation cracking very funny jokes are telling funny experiences and stories you know and they can even be giving to a degree like you know I call like pho giving like f a u x pho giving and this can be really attractive for people who are actually comfortable and find taking the back seat of life
like especially if you grew up in kind of chaotic family where there was like a small family or a big family there's some people in personalities in life that actually just are completely fine and prefer to be in the background and I think you can also picture from like a you know like a typical Netflix couple where you have like a very eccentric strong personality paired with like that back seat partner just lend them to their thing
and I think the thing about main character energy is you know initially it's very attractive but over time it very quickly loses its attractiveness or giving this because what you start to realize and how this main character syndrome and what I would call me monster syndrome
services and dating it services and a few different ways I think like number one by far in a way what we find is this kid me guy or girl I think I do find it more my experience to be maybe more female but number one in this kind of main character energy and syndrome that might be attractive fun you know hilarious awesome at first is very quickly over time you realize and what starts to wear you
is everything caters to them like everything caters to them and from like a male to female pursuit I think this is really tough because men and a traditional general I think what we are built and enjoy is pursuing like we love the pursuit we love the chase we love to like set our objects you know of our eye and really really pursue a woman and when that's done I do think and what I really love and encourage me to do is just give and serve and pursue with no strings attached
however that over time done well regardless of your attitude like you might be the most servant-hearted kind guy and unless you're completely oblivious and naive you do start to notice when things are not being reciprocated or just simply appreciated I think that the number one killer of a man's pursuit and ignition to pursue a woman
the number one killer is what I would say is entitled men like thank you like you did this for me you did why for me you did Z for me that's what you're supposed to do like I'm not going to thank you you know like an ungrateful heart that attitude and character trait is a massive red flag for me
and I think like man go through life and pursuing and dating and they don't even consciously you know talk about it with your friends like she was so ungrateful or unappreciative it's a red flag should I not pursue like it kills it by itself men don't even have to talk about it it's kind of like this unwritten attitude that just suffocates of man's pursuit is entitled energy and I think it's I do think it's one thing to have a standard and one thing that we love on both sides is having a really really awesome
high standard expectation of your person and you can have that and still be warm and kind but it's another to be entitled I think the difference between entitlement and just having a high standard is how that person responds because if you are a person who is kind you are aware and You also have high standards. Well, they can kindly and lovingly let you know their standard. They can give you the opportunity to deliver. And two things, if you do deliver, they will thank you.
They will genuinely be appreciative and let you know. That was really, really awesome. I know you went above and beyond and I just wanna let you know, like that meant the world to me. That was super, super awesome. And if you don't deliver on that standard and if you're not what they're looking for in this really, really high expectation, I love it because they're just like, hey, and that's totally okay.
Like, that's just where you are and how you operate and you're on your own journey and that's fine. But I'm not entitled to that from you. I'm not disappointed in you. I just have an expectation and a standard and I don't think we quite match up there. And that's okay. You see, entitlement, two things, it's a demand, not a request, so it's not like a kind, loving request and opportunity for you to deliver. It's a legit need demand.
If they do get it, one, they're just not appreciative and more importantly, number two, when they do not get their way, what they wish for, they are highly sensitive, highly reactive and highly volatile. It really is like their way or it's over and they are very disappointed if you did not come through on their entitled wish need expectation, right? There's no freedom for you to just operate how you operate.
You have really disappointed them in their world because you didn't deliver on their expectation. You see the difference? I just see like the heart difference on the front end and the back end. And again, one of my favorite ways to evaluate people's character besides just main character energy is, how do they respond when they don't get their way? That is the best way to evaluate someone's characters. How does a person respond when they don't get their way?
And that is the best snapshot of emotional spiritual, maturity right there. Number two, main character energy, main character syndrome, one of the hallmarks is this, they just take, take, take. And again, I think from like a traditional male pursuing female word this could be, if I was first a female looking at a situation and be like, is he a taker? It's amazing because I would just encourage you to zoom out. If they're a taker, it's not just going to be in your dating relationship.
It's going to be everywhere in their life. I mean, like spiritually, emotionally, look at their family, look at the career, look at their friendships, look at their church community. You know, and what's funny about takers is they don't just take in a dating context, they take everywhere. You know, ironically, even if you look at the actions where they're giving something, guess what? It's to take. It's not to give just to give. It's to give to feel good about themselves.
It's to give in order to get something back like relational equity, privilege, priority, you know, to boost their reputation, to have a good relationship so that person might give them something back one day. It's not a true gift. It really is a gift with strings attached, which ultimately is taking, in my opinion. So just zoom out, make sure you're looking at the full picture, not just your dating relationship and all the data you need will be right there.
I love, you know, the opposite of that and evaluating character is a great letmas test for this to see if they're a taker or giver is how do they operate with people who have nothing to give them back? That is one of my favorite character litmas tests with just really anybody. How do they operate and give to people who have nothing to give back or offer them?
And that's a really wonderful snapshot of character and how people operate in their life because that kind of shows you how they prioritize the human image, God's image and other people and how they treat that image, right? Is everyone there to serve their life? Or am I here to serve everyone in my life? My favorite way. And number three, one of the biggest symptoms I see of this main character, energy that has grown into a main character, syndrome is this.
They relate everything back to themselves. I mean, every conversation, close friends, family, your dates, you know, they every topic, skin care, football, travel, renting, buying a house, kids, nephews, grandparents, God, dessert. They always find a way back to their experiences and they are just like, they are like fixated on the lips of the other person so that as soon as they finish, oh yeah, yeah, so okay, my turn. Let me, let me boomer in this straight back to me.
I mean, they cannot wait for you to finish their sentence so they can do one thing, relate it back to their experience. That's what I call actually my personal vernacular and vocabulary, a me monster. These are just people you run into in life. The whole entire world revolves around them and their experience. And more importantly, this is not just a red flag for me. This is, you know, I'll give you guys a little bit of a foreshadow.
This one's a deal breaker for me because not only is it just flat out annoying if I'm being honest, like I don't like to say that. It sounds super shallow and judgmental, but it is frankly annoying to be around me monsters. But more importantly, in the scope of relationship, the deal breaker for me is that it is the total lack of curiosity about other people. It's the total lack of curiosity about other people's experiences, their life, their likes and dislikes.
There's not really a world for them to explore that curiosity with other people and other people to have an experience other than theirs. And there's a huge degree where we relate to people where we have things in common. I mean, like if I have someone who's a Tennessee Titans fan, you know, we're gonna be talking about our Titans experience.
If I find someone who loves God, who loves Tim Keller, who loves amazing theology, who struggles with Calvinism and predestination, you know, who has the same ticks or has the same things that drive us crazy, we're gonna relate to them by our experiences and we're gonna have a great time. But someone who relates to someone exclusively defined by their experience and exclusively in their own world. And there's just no ability to create space for another experience. They boomerang everything back.
That for me is a me monster and that for me is a deal breaker. You know, and so my verdict, you know, when it comes to this main character energy, my verdict is if it's, and it's very noticeable, I think there's a very clear line between like a fun, main character energy side personality where you're just enjoying life, you're having fun, you're filming yourself, you're, you know, it's kind of like this alter ego. I think that's fine. I think it's fun. I think there's room for that.
But when it grows into a syndrome and those are three symptoms right there, like number one, everything cater to them too. They take, take, take, and three, they relate everything back to themselves. That for me is it's very clearly a deal breaker and family like I can love them as a friend. I can continue to love them well. And I would love to talk to them like brother to brother, sister to sister, I think a great way you can give feedback.
You know, one of my personal policies in life is I don't give feedback unless it's solicited. Now I do think that rule changes when it's someone I've been close fellowship with, close friendship with. I think if someone has the authority and the place in your life to speak to you with love and kindness and also give you blunt feedback, I think that is, that is how we grow as believers, you know, because we all have blind spots. That's what they're called, blind spots.
And around those people, I just think you have to deliver some kind of feedback that's clear. Like when I experience you and I'm around you, I'll be honest. It's very self-centered. And it's very self-inflated. And I love you and I know that's hard to hear. And guess what? It probably won't catch them off guard. Self-centered people self-inflated views of self, know exactly what's going on. I think they're much more aware than we give them credit for.
And the other things I like to do, if you don't have a close relationship with them and you can't speak into their life like that, you know what I love to do? I do two things. And this is what I'm not. So obviously it's a double breaker, but not everyone, everyone of these people is going to be a dating candidate. Sometimes it's going to be family, sometimes it's going to be a coworker, sometimes it's going to be a close friend. I do two things.
Number one, what I show the main character, energy syndrome person is, I show them what curiosity looks like. You know, whether it's them or especially if there's like, you know, multiple people, as much as possible, I will keep that conversation not focused on them. And I will be so curious with another person on purpose so that I can hopefully exemplify like, how I'm curious and loving an empathetic life might look like, or you can focus on someone else's experience.
And number two, this one is a little cheeky and naughty, but I purposely, I stop rewarding conversations that go back to them exclusively. Like, I genuinely, if you're going to just keep boomerring it, I'm going to be short, I'm going to be blunt, and I'm just not going to reward conversations like that with further questions and further exploration. I'm going to turn the conversation, I'm going to focus on the other person there.
Like, I just genuinely, like a puppy dog, I don't reward that behavior. And I'm not sure, I'm open to feedback on that. If you guys say, that's completely off-kilter, that's not a loving way to love your neighbor. Like, let me know, but that's where I go. I show curiosity to other people, and I try not to reward that behavior so that at least around me, they know that, boomerringing doesn't work.
Because I think the big thing for me is that behavior and the main character syndrome, it just exemplifies a lack of empathy. Like, main character energy takes up so much space with their experience. There's no ability or space for anyone else's experience or curiosity. And I think without empathy and ability to understand other people, like they just take every moment to hijack and redirect the focus back to themselves.
And I just, you know, and our life as believers simply said, like, we have to have room and capacity for another person's main character and our story, which I personally believe is Jesus. Like a life of, if you think about it, a life of God is actually directly counter cultural towards main character energy. It is all about saying, hey, I'm not the main character anymore.
And in fact, I'm actually a side character who shouldn't even be a side character and has the honor as a broken vessel of clay to participate in the greatest story ever told where the main character is Jesus. And I'm happily taking last place to glorify him and everything I say and do in my whole life is an expression of that servitude.
And when I'm around other people, the last desire I have is to edify him, build myself up, my first desires to build up God and not that he needs it and to build up other people. Those are my top priorities. Genuinely, myself, my main character is on the sideline for the rest of my life. And I'm happy about that. Life is much better that way. So that's my ending now. I love you guys. Happy Friday and Joy the Weekend for my main characters out there.
I love y'all, but hey, we are side characters now and we champion that story for the rest of our life. I love y'all. Have a wonderful weekend and let's go. yeah.