Welcome to Healthy Ish Gooday. How are you hope you are having a well healthy day? Of course, I am Felicity Harley, host of the Daly podcast. From Body and Soul, Award winning sexologist and author Chantel Otten is back well, not just on our podcast, but she's back with another season of her awesome audible series, and today she discusses how to find confidence when you know what you want in bed, how to actually tell your partner what you
want them to do. Yes, folks, this week we are focusing on all things sex and relationships, speaking apart key themes well from not only Chantel's new series, but also our Body and Soul twenty twenty four sex Census. If you want more from Chantelle, make sure you're listening to Extra Healthy Is. We have a great chat and she shares exactly what makes great sex In case you've ever wondered, I'm sure you have. You can catch that wherever you get your podcasts. Chantelle. Nice to have you back on
the podcast. The time you're regular.
I know the terms of chart, isn't it?
Absolutely? And second time for your new series. I want to talk particularly about the first episode about a woman who can easily climax in solo play, but can't orgasm with her partners. Tell us about this.
This is a really common presentation, and I think it just shows like the impact of performance anxiety. You know, I think we all get a little bit nervous around other people. We worry about how we look, how it's going to feel for them, how it feels for us as well. I also think, you know, we know our body's best, but then we don't know how to express how we like to be pleasured. And that comes in a lot for those who have volvers as well, because they don't they don't know how to say pleasure is
from me, I'm deserving of pleasure. This is how I like to be pleasured as well. So that episode was a really great one because it really just tapped into it just a very common question or a common problem.
I guess, yeah, I agree and so much. You know, thankfully, since the sexual wellness revolution, so many of us you know, are doing the solo play. So now the next kind of thing is, you know, to move that with your partner. So how do we do this? How do we find more confidence in well, perhaps asking what we want first and foremost, I think.
We have to understand what we want. So that means paying attention. That means being mindful in our bodies, being present in our bodies, being aware of what we enjoy for our own solo play, but also with our partner. What do we enjoy when we're with them as well?
And are we confident enough to be able to express how we enjoy being pleasured if we notice that there's hesitation there, or if we feel uncomfortable, or if we don't know how to kind of bring up the topic of you know, where we want to be touched, you know, for how long, what pressure with what? As well? You know, are we're talking fingers, are we talking a vibrator, we're
talking other bodily parts. If we don't feel confident in expressing that, then it's going to be very difficult for us to get the type of sex that we want to be a guess experiencing how.
Do we express it? Like so, if we can get comfortable in what we want and you know, what we're using or whatever, how do we actually how do we ask for it? How do we bring it up?
We need to practice I think practicing vocalizing a little bit more. If you can write down what you like for some foremosts that means that at least you're aware of what it is, and then you can practicing it in front of the mirror, or you can practice like little bits in terms of erotic experiences, like Babe, I love that to the left a little bit would be great, or like can you press a little bit harder? That
feels so good? Come from like a positive angle as well, making sure that there's no criticism there, and you know, I guess really just expressing more around what works rather than what doesn't.
Yeah, that's good advice actually, because rather than saying, oh I don't do that, don't do that, and then suddenly you know, your partner may freeze up and think, oh I can't do anything right. So if you approach and.
No one wants to be told that doesn't feel good, don't do that, no one wants that, then you go, I just might as well you up.
You know, is it better to do it in the moment or is it a matter you know? Can you sit down beforehand with your list, say I like this, I like that.
So in my book I have like a yes, no, maybe list, and I think that this is a really it's a really great tool because a lot of the time, a lot of people go, well, I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I like. They don't know what's acceptable for them to be able to even tap into or to explore. So I made a really big list, put it in my book, and we look at it as in like is a green light? No? Is a red light? Maybe? Is the end the light?
It's kind of like when you're driving a car, what's going to put the accelerator on, what's going to take your foot off the accelerator, and what's like a oh, I could go there, but you know, with caution and with an understanding of what I'm going to experience, so you can sit down and have your yuest no maybe list and explain, like I really like receiving, you know, oral play when we do it like this, and but
I have to be relaxed enough. It can't be too late at night because then I'll probably fall asleep, So I prefer it on Sunday morning. You know, explaining yes exactly, Like explaining.
Would be nodding right now, yeah, exactly.
We get tired. I think also, that's a huge thing to think about a lot of people expect that sex should be happening late at night and it's always going to be exciting and vibrant. But I don't know about you, but if I'm working like a huge day, or if I've been traveling, I just want to sleep, you know.
I think like morning will be a bit of you know, option, waking up half an hour earlier, an hour earlier, you know, really than experiencing pleasure at a time that suits you, where you are going to be relaxed, where you're not going to be overthinking things like, Okay, it's eleven PM. If we start having sex now, then it's going to
be twelve and then I've only got six hours sleep left. Like, all of that comes into performance anxiety, and all of that comes into the way that we experience pleasure with our partners as well. It's very different speaking.
My language here. Don't worry, especially when it comes to having a strict sleep rountine, which doesn't include sex. But you're so right, we don't. Probably the fact that you know the time and we're all living such busy lives. We crawl into bed, we just want to sleep, but we don't really think about that in terms of performance anxiety that that can affect how you feel and whether you're ready.
Oh my god, performance anxiety can hit anyone, even the most confidence sexual being. You know, we think are we doing it right, especially if it's like a new partner. But I think even withsting partners, we don't often think is this what they want as well? We're just like, this worked last time, This was a formula, This was a menu that worked. Last time. We did this for you know, entree four play. We did this for the
main course and then for dessert. You know, aftercare we might have cuddled for a little bit and that was really really great. But we don't often think do they want to change it up? Do I want to change it up? We just start sticking to the same sexual menu every single time, and that gets boring. It's like us going out to have the same meal every time we go out for date night. We start losing motivation to go out for date night if we're going to be having the same thing every single time.
Yeah, absolutely mix it up and different times a day is key. Chantel, thank you for coming on Healthy Ish, Thank you. Season two of the Audibile original series Sex Therapy Sessions with Chantel otten is out now. You can listen for free or will leave a link to that in the show notes, as well as a link to all the info on Body and Souls twenty twenty four six census.
If you got.
Something out of this chat from Chantel tell Us, you can rate and review this episode, or of course subscribe to this podcast. Anything else, head to bodyandsoul dot com dot for us and socials grob Our print edition which is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow, Stay healthy.