The 6 Steps I Use to Get Unstuck When I Feel Lost, Unclear or Unmotivated

Every holiday shopper's got a list, but Ross shoppers, you've got a mission. Like a gift run that turns into a disco snow globe, throw pillows, and PJs for the whole family. Dog included. At Ross, holiday magic isn't about spending more. It's about giving more for less. Ross, work your magic. You're about to make a trade. Which you do you listen to? Is it get optioning those options? Or let's do a little research. Learn more at finra.org slash trade smart. Welcome to the Having It All podcast.

the show about what it takes to live an abundant, loving life. My name is Matthew Bivens, and each week I'm helping you get out of your head so that you can truly have it all. Let's do it.

What's going on everybody? Happy Saturday and welcome to the podcast. This week has been a cool one. I've published a couple of bonus episodes in the past week or so and I'm just feeling it. I don't know. I'm feeling charged up. So today is another bonus episode and it's a different one because I am going to be reading a listener email and providing a response to that email. I haven't done it before on this podcast. This is a format that...

I was introduced by a friend of mine. He has another show. His name is Paul Coliani. He has a show called The Overwhelmed Brain. And he's invited me to come on his show to read and respond to listener emails. And so I thought, man, that would be... a fantastic thing to do on having it all. So that's what I'm going to do. I have this great, great email from a listener. His name is Jim. And I'm going to be reading Jim's email and diving in.

diving in, unpacking it, and just giving my recommendation. And I chose Jim's email because I really think a lot of you are experiencing some of the similar things. And I think that this is going to resonate. So, before I jump into that, I just wanted to say, again, grateful to everybody for checking out the show. If this is your first time to the podcast, welcome.

Welcome. I'm glad you found your way here. If it's not your first time, then thank you so much for returning. I appreciate that. I always like to throw a little bit of gratitude, so I'm going to... send it to Jim today. I've actually changed Jim's name. He knows who he is. I've reached out to him already. So to you, quote unquote, Jim, very appreciative of you listening to the show.

reaching out, emailing me, and asking your question, and then being so open and comfortable with me sharing it on the show and just talking about it. Very grateful to you. I also wanted to plug the survey I've got going on right now. MatthewBivens.com. Actually, no, I've moved it. It's over at havingitallpodcast.com slash survey. And I'm just looking to get to know you a little bit more.

I want to hear your feedback. I really do thrive off of feedback. I want to hear what you don't like about the show. Tell me some of the things that you want to see improved. For example... One piece of feedback I got was in one of my most recent interviews. They said that my guest was kind of hard to hear. And, you know, they...

the audio was a little bit muffled. So that's the type of thing I want to hear because I don't always catch it. You know, I do all my own editing, but I don't know, maybe my headphones are on too tight. I don't catch that stuff. Through the survey, you can tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like. You can give me topic suggestions. Topic suggestions are huge because this show is for you. I want to know what you want to hear.

havingitallpodcast.com slash survey. And I may not have actually shared this, but the Having It All podcast has a new website, havingitallpodcast.com. So check it out. go there. That's the new home for the show. And I'm slowly over time, I'm going to be adding all of the old episodes to the list where you can get all the old show notes. But for now, you can go there and listen to, you can listen to every episode.

on that website. You can connect with me. You can jump on my list if you want to be connected in another way. And you can fill out the survey, havingitallpodcast.com slash survey.

So I appreciate that. All right, so now I'm going to read the email from Jim, and then I'll get into my response. Jim writes, Good morning from the frozen tundra of Michigan. I'm writing this email to you, which is something I would never normally do.

But I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now. Well, I've actually been listening to many podcasts for that matter, but I've recently really connected to your podcast and I have to say that it has opened up my mind to so many more possibilities for my life.

I am a 46-year-old man with a great family, an unbelievable wife, and the greatest girls ever. But I have been struggling with my confidence for years. And while I may act like I've got myself together, I am a lost, confused soul.

But I don't feel like I'm that far off, if it makes any sense to you. I struggle with the inability to get moving, the motivation to just start. I'm an overthinker, and I have to weigh all my options before I get started on anything, and I know that is one of my many flaws. I write this all to simply ask, can you direct me to any of your podcasts or any other mediums that you've used in the past that helped you along the way?

I am bound and determined to live my life to the fullest. So any suggestion on where I can start would be greatly appreciated. Keep up the great work on your podcast sincerely. So raise your hand. Or just give me a nod if you can connect with that. If you can connect with, you know, having all of these... the trappings of the successful great life, the family, whatever it is for you, whatever you think that like, I've got it. Why am I feeling stuck?

I shouldn't feel stuck, quote unquote. You've got these things, but you're struggling with confidence. And you kind of put on this front. You put on the front that you've got all of the things together. People may even tell it to you like, man, you really have got your life together. But internally, you kind of feel like a fraud. You feel lost and confused and you lack confidence. I mean, can you not relate to that? I...

Absolutely can relate. So Jim, I hear you. I feel you. And I'm going to share what I've done. I want to share what I've done. Because I've been there and I am still there, you know, like this confidence stuff. I just talked about confidence in the previous episode. I think the one right before this was an episode about confidence and self-worth and me going through a breakdown in those areas. So it's a journey for me. But the inability to move...

feeling stuck, feeling like you're almost there, like you've got something going on inside of you, but you just don't really know what it is and you're struggling getting going and you're struggling creating that momentum. I've been there. And so here are...

the things that I've done. I've actually listed them out and there's six of them. The first one is the most important, absolutely most important, because the first thing that I want you to do is I want you to look at the connection. between who you are being and the results you're creating in your life. Because those two things are connected. Another way to think about that.

The results that you're experiencing today, the family, the job, the friends, the relationships, your health, all of that stuff comes from who you have been over the past years. years, months, weeks. It's plain and simple, okay? So if you want to create a different result in your life, you need to examine and shift who you are being.

I could say it in a lot of different ways, but I think that that's the most clear, the most clear way to put it. Your results are connected to who you are being, not what you're doing. Your results aren't connected to your actions. You know, they're related and I'm going to get into that. But at the core, it's who you are being. Now, the reason why this is so important is because understanding this and imbuing it.

making it a part of you, this gives you back your power in life. Because this belief says that you are the creator of your life. You are in charge. You are the architect and the builder of your dreams, of what you want to experience. And if you don't believe that... If there's a part of you that doesn't believe it, if there's a part of you that believes, somebody else holds those keys. Somebody else is able to say and dictate and hand down the life that you're living today.

That means that your happiness, your joy, your confidence, your peace, whatever it is for you, is in somebody else's hands. So, in your case, Jim, it's a confidence thing you've been talking about. And if you believe that it's somebody else's power or responsibility to hand you your confidence, well, then you're just at the mercy of that person or that institution or that organization or that group.

whatever it is, all right? So that's why this first part is the most important. The results you're experiencing are directly related to who you are being. And if you want to experience different results... then you need to examine who you are being and figure out where those parts are that are impacting those results from today. All right? Number two.

What I want you to do is to get very, very clear at the results you'd like to experience. You know what you're experiencing now that you don't like. Okay, what do you want to experience? What would you want your life to look like? And one great way to kind of a framework for that is you can use the six Fs. How do you want your life to look and feel in faith?

in your faith, in your family, in your friends, in your fitness, in your finance, and in your fun. I recommend pulling out a sheet of paper or jumping on your computer and literally writing these things down. What do you want your life to look like? What results do you want to be creating? And how do you want to feel in all of those areas?

You can also look at it in a slightly different framework. I call it the five wheels. You can look at yourself physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. How do you want your life? To look what results do you want to create? How do you want your life to feel in those five areas? Those two things are just frameworks. But the whole concept is describe the results you want to create in extreme detail.

You know, you can use a vision board to do this. You can use a journal to do this. Whatever you feel inspired to do. And then once you've created this vision, I like to breathe life into it. And to breathe life into it for me, go tell some other people. Go share it with people. Share your vision.

Make it real. Make it real in your mind. Truly feel it. That's the second thing that I would recommend. Now, the third thing, because you've just described the results you want to create. Now, remember what I said at the top.

top of the list. Your beingness is what creates the results. So... Number one, we got clear on that concept. Number two, you described results. So now number three, you need to determine who you need to be in order to achieve those results. Again, I emphasize who you need to be. Not what do you need to do. We're not getting into the doing yet. The doing always follows the being. So, a great way, my favorite way, I think the best way...

To set yourself on a powerful being course and to be intentional is to create a mission statement. To create a personal mission statement for your life. Because that mission statement... is going to help give you direction. It's going to act as your north star. It's going to point you towards that beingness. And it's going to give you something that you're going to be able to measure.

your thoughts, measure your actions, measure all those things against. Hey, does this thing, is what I'm feeling and thinking right now, is that a line with who I say I want to be, who I've said I wanted to be in my mission statement? Is me feeling this fear aligned? Yes or no? Is me making this decision aligned? Yes or no? And so I really... love the practice of creating a personal mission statement. I'm going through it right now.

My mentor is helping me craft a new mission statement. This will be my third or fourth one. And it's just a powerful process. And I'm very, very excited for the end result because then I'm going to be very clear as to who I want to become. And I always recommend that you make your mission statement bigger than where you are today, bigger than who you are today, so that you can grow into it. You know, set it in front of you so that...

You have to make some shifts in your life with who you are being to actually live into your mission statement. So I talk about mission statements in a couple of episodes. There's one in particular. It's called Why Personal Mission Statements Are the Most Powerful Way to Uncover Your Direction and Path. I recommend going and checking that one out. I touch on it in an episode called The Eight Habits of a Humble Badass. I think that's what it's called.

And that's one I actually recorded with my wife, Sarah, who does this work with people. She sits down with people and has a very, very detailed, thorough process for developing mission statements. And she goes through that process in that episode. So I'll have links to both of those episodes in the show notes, so you can refer to that. Those are two additional resources for you. But it's that mission statement piece that is going to set you up with the beingness.

Who do you need to be in order to create those results that you've already visualized? That's number three. So now, number four, I recommend you surround yourself with people who are going to hold you accountable to your greater vision of yourself. People who are going to hold you accountable to your mission statement. People who are going to say, Jim, the way that you've been thinking and talking and behaving over the past week,

does not align with your mission statement. You said you wanted to be this, but all I'm hearing from you right now is, you know, fear or scarcity or judgment. And those things are nowhere in your mission statement. So get back on track, buddy. You definitely want to have a team around you, a tribe around you, a support community around you. It can be your spouse. It can be your family. It can be your friends.

I just recommend putting those people around you because many times, I know this has been the case for me, I'm not always able to hold myself personally accountable to all the things that I've said I wanted to be or do. Sometimes it's hard. My emotions get in the way. You know, it can be hard as heck to get over feeling frustrated or jealous or insecure or scarce. But it's in those moments where those people can help remind you of what you said you wanted to play for.

They can help remind you. They can bring that awareness. They can pull you out of your funk. They can pull you out of your own head. My wife has done that with me. Sarah has pulled out my values or my mission statement and said, what you're talking about right now, Matthew, does not align with what you said you want it to be. And boom, shown me in the mission statement. And I'll be honest, that is an incredibly humbling experience.

Because you get all these defenses that rise up in you. You just want to push back and fight back. And that's your ego. That's your ego fighting. Because your ego will fight to the death to be correct. But when you're playing small and those loved ones around you are saying, Jim, you're playing small. You said you wanted to play bigger in life. And they start calling that stuff out. It's hard to deny it. You're going to try.

You know, you're gonna, you'll be in denial potentially for, for a little bit, but those people I have found. are what help continue to keep me moving forward and living into my mission, living into that greater version of myself. So that's step number four. All right? So let's recap real quick. Step number one, get incredibly clear and confident and certain that there is a connection between the results you're experiencing today and who you are being. Step number two,

Get very clear on what you'd like to experience. What results do you want to experience? Step number three, determine who you need to be in order to create those results in your life. Step number four, surround yourself with people who are going to hold you accountable to being that person you said you want to be. Step number five, this is where most people start and you're going to get

why most people fail, it's because they start here. And that's develop your plan of action. Most people, when they say, okay, the results I'm creating today, well, they must be from the things I've been doing. So let me change what I've been doing to create new results.

Sometimes that works. Sometimes you'll get some short-term success, quote-unquote, with that. For the short term, you might change your results. But guess what? If you don't change who you're being, it's always going to reset. It's always going to fall back. It's always going to settle back to right where it is, right along the frequency of your beingness. That's where everything will settle. So don't start at step number five. It's so tempting.

Especially folks like you and I, Jim, because we can live in our heads. You said in your email, I'm going to pull it up. You said, I'm an overthinker and I have to weigh all my options before I get started on anything. So you're going right to number five, developing your plan of action. And you stay stuck because you're thinking about what the action needs to be and you're weighing your options. Really, you're weighing your fears. I'm afraid of this.

I'm afraid of that a little bit more. I'm afraid of that even more. Okay, so which one am I less afraid of? Which one am I more comfortable with? Which one am I able to rationalize stepping into or not stepping into? But you see you're starting at step five. You aren't addressing who you're being by overthinking what you need to do next. So it's only once you've done step one through four, then you get to five and you start developing your action plan.

okay, these are the results I want to create. This is who I said I need to be in order to create those results. All right, what are those things? What are those steps to becoming that person? Now, as you develop your action plan, I want you to make a commitment, and this is big, make a commitment to show up for yourself regardless of your emotions. It's that last piece that...

most people will fail at. Showing up regardless of your emotions, because it's your emotions that create all the excuses. Your emotions say, I've made a commitment for an 8 a.m. run. But today I'm feeling tired. Well, it's because last night I had to stay up late because my baby was sick. Or it's because the work party went late. Or because I was out with friends and it was just a late night. Or I couldn't sleep because I was stressing about bills. So therefore, 8 a.m. run today, eh.

You know, it's all right. I know I made that commitment, but it can slide today. That's where people trip themselves up because they only show up when their emotions feel like it. I'll do this when I feel like it. What happens when you do things when you feel like it is you develop this sense of untrustworthiness of yourself. You don't trust yourself that you'll be able to show up no matter what.

A lot of us have someone in our lives who shows up for something no matter what. Or if we don't, we can think of that person and maybe in TV or movies or whatever. Here's an example. Michael Jordan. Most people who know who Michael Jordan is has heard of the story of him as a little kid out in his yard shooting free throws in the rain. As a young man, he made a commitment.

to his basketball greatness, I'm going to show up, I'm going to shoot hundreds of free throws every day, no matter what. And he did. And he showed up no matter what. He showed up regardless of his emotions. You can think of, athletes are a great example of this because we take for granted what it takes to become an NBA.

an NFL athlete, to play at those top levels. Because there are millions of kids who have that dream. There are hundreds of thousands of college athletes who have that dream. And there are hundreds.

of men and women who actually live into that dream and each one of those hundreds of men and women who get to that professional level they showed up for themselves regardless of their emotions So Jim, in step number five, when you develop your action plan, along with that, as you're developing it, make your commitment to show up for yourself regardless of your emotions.

And what you need to be able to do is to recognize when your emotions are getting involved and are creating those excuses for you not to act. For me, one great way that has helped me distinguish is... you know, operating out of your head versus operating out of your heart. When you're operating out of your head, that's what we do, Jim. It's overthinking. A lot of times it's fear-based.

There's something you're afraid of. So you're trying to think your way around it. And that's ego. It's ego. So if you can recognize when you get into your head, when you get into that fear space. You say, ah, that's what that is. That's ego. Got it. Okay. Then what happens is you start to move back into your heart.

And for you, Jim, you've done a lot of work that once you get back into your heart, you don't have to think because you've already created your personal mission statement. You've already outlined the results you want to create. because of who you're being. You've done that stuff. So it's locked into your heart and you know, got it. I just need to stick to my mission statement. All right.

So that's what you do at step number five. You develop the action plan, you make that commitment to yourself, and you begin to recognize when you're acting out of fear versus love. And now step number six, this is where you start taking some action.

Step number six, what happens is you act and then you apply a bit of awareness. Action awareness, action awareness, action awareness. So it looks like getting into movement and then reflecting on it. and taking a step back and looking at it and assessing it. So this is where journaling can come in. With that assessment piece, you can take a step back and journal things and say, okay, wow, I did this today and here's how I felt. Here's a result I created.

it was aligned with my mission statement, or, you know, I stepped out of alignment today, I made this choice, and here's how I felt when I made this choice, and next time I'm going to make sure I stay in alignment. But it's that action that is going to lead to the breakthrough. And I like to say it's massive action.

massive action that's gonna lead to those breakthrough. So that's why it's act, get into action, and then have a little bit of awareness, have some reflection. Get back into action and have some reflection. Get back into action, have some reflection. I've talked about this concept on other episodes as well. It's one that just blew my mind when I heard it. You know, your fears are like butter. And courage, action is like fire.

So what happens when you apply heat to butter? It melts, all right? When you apply heat, when you apply courage, when you apply action to your fears, your fears melt. Once you remove that heat, that action, that courage, guess what happens? The fears re-solidify. The fears come back. So, in order to fully get rid of those fears, You apply massive action. You turn that heat up until that butter evaporates. That's what we call a breakthrough. That's what we call a breakthrough.

So sometimes massive action is like a single act, right? Let's say you're so afraid of being alone. You feel so dependent on your partner. Jim, I know this isn't what you outlined in your email, but this is just an example.

You know, somebody who's just terrified of breaking up with this person who they know no longer serves them. They're so afraid of it. They're so afraid of it. And maybe they've taken little actions here or there. They've said, we need to go on a break. Or they've tried to, you know.

cut them out of their phone or whatever, but they keep going back. A massive action in that case is to end that relationship for good. End the relationship. That's turning that heat up on that fear. Boom, massive action. But sometimes massive action looks like making a commitment to many small actions that can build up over time. Like for example, deciding for yourself that you're going to do 10 minutes of meditation every day for 30 days.

That type of thing can be massive action as well. However, I always recommend going big. Go big. That's how you're really going to burn away those fears and evaporate them. So Jim, what you and I do, the weighing of all those options, that happens because when there's a big gap in your action, you start to weigh your options more and more.

So you might act, then you take a step back, and you don't do anything for a while. And then those fears catch up. Those fears, you know, they reform and they get solid again. And then you start to weigh your options, this, this, and that. And the longer you wait in between taking your action, the bigger those fears grow. Because you and I, man, our minds are just running the whole time. You probably...

Wake up with some of those fears running. And it's just probably running on autopilot now. You go to sleep and you're thinking about some of those confidence things. You're thinking about taking action, but you're scared. I get it. That's what happens to me. It happens when there's a big gap between action. So it's stepping into action.

having a little bit of awareness, getting back into action, having a little bit of awareness. It's that back and forth that prevents those fears from being able to grab you and prevents you from overthinking things. You're overthinking because you're acting out of your head as opposed to your heart. Got to move down into your heart. So Jim, those are the six things. I'll recap them again one last time. The first, your beingness.

your results are connected to who you are being. Understand that, adopt that, embody that. Second, get very clear on what you want to experience. Get very clear on the results you want to create. Third, determine who you need to be in order to create those results. And do that in the form of a personal mission statement. Fourth, surround yourself with people who are going to hold you

to being the person you say you want to be. In your case, it could be your family. You know, it could be your spouse. Fifth, develop your plan of action. Okay, these are the results. This is who I said I want to be. All right, what am I going to do? What are those things now that I'm going to step into? What makes me feel afraid? What makes me feel nervous about this? That's a huge indication that that's the area that you need to step into.

Number six is about taking action. Taking massive action and then pausing for a little bit of reflection. And then getting back into action and then a little bit of reflection. Remember, Jim, your fears are like butter. All right? And action, being bold, having courage, taking massive action, that's applying heat to those fears.

But you got to keep that heat applying. You got to keep at it in order to fully dissolve those fears. You know, it's like somebody who's terrified of swimming, but doesn't get into a swimming pool. You're so afraid of swimming, maybe you just pick up a book and you read about swimming or you watch YouTube videos about swimming or you talk to other swimmers. That's what you're doing in your head. That's the overthinking as opposed to jumping in the pool and learning how to freaking swim.

And then here's the thing. You jump in the pool once. You try it out. You're scared out of your mind. But okay, you did it. You get out of the pool. And then you wait for a month. or six months, or a year. Guess what happens? You're now terrified of the pool all over again. That fear has come right back. It's right back there on the forefront. And now you're dealing with all of the stuff because you put too much time.

between getting back in the pool. So I'm telling you, jump in that pool every day, man. Jump in that pool every day until you dissolve that fear. Because those confidence things that we've got going on, you and me both, it's a result of not putting in those reps in that area. If I was afraid of public speaking and I came to you and said, Jim, I'm terrified of public speaking, man. I just need some advice. How can I get over this fear of public speaking? My confidence is shot.

I feel like people are going to laugh at me. No one wants to hear what I have to say. How can you help me, Jim? You're probably going to say, well, Matt, I think you need to go and speak. I think you need to do it a lot. Maybe you should join Toastmasters. Maybe you need to volunteer for meetup groups and just speak on whatever. Go speak in front of a random crowd at the mall. Just go speak. Go do it. That's probably the advice you'd give me.

So here I am turning it right back around on you. However, I'm also giving you an outline, right? I'm giving you a plan, steps one through six. That to me is what I would do. If I were in the shoes that you're in right now, feeling lost, feeling confused, feeling like you have a challenge getting moving, I feel you, man. I've been there.

But the things I've outlined are things that I have done. I'm not telling you anything that I haven't personally done. And I never will do that on this show. I'm always going to talk about things that I've done, things that I've experienced, things that I've coached other people on. So I appreciate you, Jim. I appreciate you sharing your situation because there are lots of people out there who are feeling the way you're feeling, who are feeling lost.

who are feeling confused, like they don't have purpose, who are struggling with confidence, but at the same time, don't feel that far off. Feel like, if I could just... get this one little piece, then man, I think I'd be able to just feel like I'm on track and get things moving and get that momentum building.

Somewhere in those six things I outlined is that one piece for you. It could be the mission statement. It could be the taking action and dissolving your fears. It could be surrounding yourself with a team of powerful people. Somewhere in there. is that one thing that's going to help you get over that hump to have those breakthroughs. Those breakthroughs moments, those are powerful moments when we can transcend who we've been being.

when we can heal, when we can grow, we can transform. I love it. And I appreciate you. I appreciate you being an example of this stuff because the mere fact that you're reaching out and asking these questions, I know you're ready. I know you're right there. Right there, ready to get in it. So I am very excited to hear what comes from this. So Jim, please follow up with me. And for everybody else out there. that this resonated with them. Share your story with me. Share your experience with me.

You know, let's keep this thing moving forward. You know, let's not hide behind our fears thinking that we're the only ones. I'm the only one who feels like I'm not confident in life. Get out of here with that. Come on. All of us are struggling with confidence in some area. I'm the only one who feels lost. Everyone around me seems like they're so clear on who they want to be and so clear on their purpose. Get out of here.

That's totally incorrect. I think the vast majority of people are not incredibly clear as to who they want to be and what they want to create in their lives. They know how they want to feel. They say, I want to feel happy. I want to feel peaceful. I want to feel balanced. But they don't take the time to really sit down and envision the results they want to create.

They want to focus on how they want to feel, not who they want to be. Those are different. So I'm telling you that we're all connected. I'm saying that... I've been there. Jim's been there. You know, we all experience these emotions. These same emotions. There aren't that many emotions that we can experience as humans. I guarantee we've all experienced the full range of them.

So let's stop separating ourselves and thinking that we're so different and we're so unique in our circumstance and nobody can understand me. Nobody is going to be able to get where I'm coming from.

Because that's more BS. That's more of your ego. That's more of your fears. That stuff creating walls and creating barriers and creating separation. Where what we're about on this show is about... the abundance and the love, pulling down those barriers, recognizing that we're all connected, that we can all help one another, that we can all support and love on one another, and that there's enough to go around.

All right. I feel like I'm on my soapbox a little bit, but this is real stuff. This is real life. This is real freaking life. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Jim, thank you so much. If anybody else wants to connect, share their story, you know how to reach me. I'd love for you to go through the survey to connect with me right now. So having it all podcast.com slash survey.

And you can leave me notes in there. You can leave me your email address and just connect with me that way. And, you know, I'm going to run that for the next couple of weeks and then I'll be back to the normal ways of connecting with me. But, all right. I appreciate everybody. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend and week whenever you're listening to this. I hope that you're, you know, experiencing the abundance and love that you want. And yeah, you all are awesome. All right.

My name is Matthew Bivens, and here is to you having it all. Quick note about the Having It All podcast. I am not a doctor nor a licensed therapist. I'm a guy with a story and a passion for conscious conversation. My thoughts, opinions, and beliefs are my own. So please consult with your doctor or healthcare provider regarding any questions or issues you have related to your personal, physical, or mental health.