Episode 7 - Part 1: Morning Glory

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Welcome back to Booty High Seas Low Expectations. My name is Alex Smith. I am your DM for today. I am joined by three brave adventurers. They are We're so brave. I'm a sword. I'm c I play Keepeepee, but I'm Craig Frost. Yes you are. At this table you're Kapee Pee. I am Kapeepee. You never yeah. Who the fuck is Craig Frost? Ditch Craig. You're Kappee. Sorry, sir. That's right. And uh we're here for session seven uh now. Uh the Seven. The gang uh last

session, uh did all sorts of interesting things and to catch you up we're gonna go to Chris Trot. Mm-hmm. Oh but what happened Smith? I can't remember a single thing. Alright, well that's all right,'cause uh it kicked things off in part two of episode six with Club Knight and Kapipi putting on a stellar performance and he was very nervous. An enthralling performance, you might say. Uplifting. Indeed.

You could also say. It it was somewhat. Um Titus beforehand, uh Bob and Nob were gonna do some stuff with a horse axe. And Titus managed to cancel that for six gold because he refused to watch that. Yeah. Yeah, I paid money for that. It was awful. You put on an enthralling song about the fat duck and Mikkel is charmed as a result. And we get 15 golden tips.

Which is that's not bad for a knight. I remember the hundred and fifty gold. No, it can't get past that. Okay. Mikkel gets Goyo, which is the officiate of Mikkel, to pull out all of the strings. And get us a thirty five percent discount at the shipyard because of that. It's thralling performance. Thank you. Actually no, sorry, three hundred and fifty percent. Not sure yet. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. It's written down here. So it depends on when you get that.

Nine hundred and nine thousand one hundred pounds is a discount on fourteen hundred. Yeah, yeah. We've already done a math. Oh sorry, yeah, they have already done that math. Yeah. Um anyway. Uh set in stone. Yeah. Um there's a following act after it, but it didn't go so great. It was a juggler that accidentally spills a load of bucket of spiders on onto the audience. That didn't go so great. Spiders. Uh Flagan levitates over the crowd to remind us of his letter.

Um which we agreed to head to the Rusty Axe to see the miners who are heading to a mine that's six to seven hours away for lead, which Flag will then transmute into gold for us. Uh we need roughly one thousand gold's worth to afford the best ship on offer, roughly. We got that much lead. You just need a thousand gold. You've already got enough. And we've already got on top of that, yeah. Look at you. Uh

And that's really specific to the thirty five percent discount. Right. So if we don't get that set in stone, we just have to it was set in stone. Yeah. Up to thirty five, is that what you were saying? Oh exactly. Exactly. Up Up to I Oh okay. You never know. The ship the shipwright might have had a falling out with mickel, you know, like wow shit. But no the it's the rusty axle as well. Um No, that's it. Rusty it actually says that there and I read it wrong. Okay. Um there we go.

Titus uh beds with an old woman in the hopes of finding a bed for the night. I had to point out that we don't know anything happened. But you bedded with an old woman. older walling office. In a tiny office space. Yeah. I slept there. It was nice. Um I brush off the first B and B, um, for charging me more, and then Kapipi heads out of the centre to somewhere on the beach to sleep in the shell, but is accosted by a tabaxi who tries to get money off of him. Ended up with just a doggy bag of food.

Which was the same as any other spot on the beach. Yeah. I got mugged. Yeah. Yeah. And I end up in a quite a nice brothel. Yeah, you do. So that's where we ended and we all have a peaceful night's sleep with nothing wrong at all. Very good.

Here we go, the beginning of session seven. Uh, and we will be starting with how each of you wake up. Uh so we're gonna start with Kapipi. Who wakes up on the beach? As the sun breaks above the horizon on a new day, the gentle wash of small waves rouses you to wake up. Local children have adorned your shell in lengths of paper and painted rude images on it. Oh no. As you pop out

You're literally under a pile of trash. The people have come as you've been sleeping in your shell on the beach. You come out, you'll there's stuff all over you. What is going on here? No, I stink. You st yeah, it's it's it's it's detris detritus.

Do I know that things have been put on my shell? You don't know stuff's been what's been written, you can't see it. But you you're fairly sure like you know, there's a bit of dripping coming down your side. You think somebody's sort of used a crude paintbrush. Imagine if you'd fallen asleep on any other busy beach in the world. What do you think would happen?

I don't know, but I'm a tautle. It's where I'm supposed to fall asleep. Is it? I don't know. You I d always did do though, back home, you know. That's how you like to sleep on the beach. On the beach, yeah. Just all I need is my shell normally. People normally respect other people's property. Where I'm from. Oh.

What would you like to do now you've woken up? Try and get clean. Can I go into the sea? You can go into the sea. I'm gonna need to uh bathe this off in the sea, so I strung waddle down. The tide's out. Three hundred meters?

Well, I got my toes wet and it's a little bit more than a little bit. Oh it's a bit chilly this morning. Alright, I'm going in. Don't worry. So all of your stuff that you've got on, you like your instruments, your your bags of remaining food, things like that, are you leaving that on the beach?

No, that'd be with me. You can't trust these people. You can't trust I mean the instruments have been fine every other time I've been in the water. That's true, actually they're remarkably water. I just gotta be careful of not going too deep because if I get into trouble I can't swim. You can't swim. What's Terrence doing? Uh he's just oh that's a good point. He he's not woken up yet. Parents. Parents. And then he just suddenly inflates.

Our good boy Terrace, we'll get you some breakfast in a bit. And I'll just go into the water using him as my buoyancy aid. Yeah. Just trying to wash it off in the in the water. Very good. Does it go successfully? Yeah. Yeah, you wash you wash yourself off. Alright. Get clean you dirty little tautle. Alright, well then I uh go back

From there into the town to try and find the other guys. You charge up the beach. You know that you have to use the rusty axle, so it might be worth trying to find that. Go and wait for them at the rusty axle. Yeah, perhaps. I that's what I'm gonna do then. I'm gonna go. I try to wave down anyone that might be around. Yes. Uh uh Uh a a a a very sort of um gesticulating, sort of classic looking pirate man says, Yes, what is it? Hello Young Tortle.

I'm looking for a uh a a a place called the Rusty Axle. Ah the Rusty Axle, yeah. Yeah, the Rusty Axle. Do you know where I might find it? Aye. Take your flat feet up the main concourse at five minutes or so. ye will spy upon it on your left hand side after a short walk. Look for a rusty axle and two wheels spinning on a sign. I'll do that. Thank you very much, Conserv. What's your name, Bob? My name's Jim. Thank you, Jim. I'll uh salute you. Thank you.

Ca are you a captain? No. I'm just a very I'm very early in my s sailing career. I've just got really into the role. Right, well Thank you very much, Jim. I'll see you about maybe at the Rusty Axel. Fare winds to ye, Tortle! Yeah, alright. I walk away. And he continues on his way. Really bandily legged. He's all about fake it till you make it. Yeah, he is, yeah. He's like he's seen other pirates be like this and he's like, okay, Titus!

You're awoken by the whistle of a kettle and the clinking of dishes. As you open your bleary eyes, you see the woman who welcomed you in is now busily moving around the small kitchen, loading a food service car. Up you get, dearie, the staff will be arriving soon. Anything from the trolley?

Oh, uh uh w uh what have we got there? So it's like a it's like a morning breakfast service. So there's like pots of tea, there's scones, um, there's a couple of other little cakes and things like that. And uh it's loaded up on like a a three tier trolley. Oh okay I'm gonna take oh I'll take a scon mm we're gonna scon Hammer a few more things. Take it. Oh no, take it over. Quick tea Oh dear God, no. Okay, I don't wanna hear about that.

I'll uh I'll down a tea and then I'm gonna actually Downing the T. I'm gonna climb out the window that's hot. It's hot tea. Oh बटे दूने वाँ दूने वाँ दूने दूने दूने दूने दूने दूने दूने

Oh quick, they're coming down the hallway! I'm gonna get out of the window! Okay, look. You jump out of the window. Well fuck it, I'm gonna- It's like an eight-foot drop. I'm gonna come slowly climb and then I'll just go fuck it. And you roll out. You fall roll out backwards. I'm rolling out. Okay, make an acrobatics check. What does that say? Four. Four. That's a four. Uh and two. Two. Six. Six. Okay, you land on your back, eight foot drop, and you're you wins the living shit out of it.

You can't say anything you cannot speak. All of the air has been knocked from your lungs. And she's like she peeks out the window and you just see the looks her old face is like Thank you. Bye! Come back soon, lover boy! What? And she blows your c Wait, what happened? And you take five points of damage. Wait what happened? Five. Five fucking damage, that means. It just fell out onto your back out of a sort of one and a half story window. You you you start to get the air back in your lungs.

And you s no longer feel like quite bruised, you're quite injured though. That hurt. That really hurt. You should really think about rolling backwards out of a higher windows. Where the fuck am I? Right, you're in a the alleyway between this like trade office and um like a a pub or an inn. Um it's not it's one of the inns you saw last night when you were looking for somewhere to stay.

Um you can walk out of the alleyway, turn right, back onto the main concourse of the street and you you can head up that road up towards the I'm gonna look for the brothel. Is it which direction? Do you know which way that's which brothel? Well I know that which way? I'm just gonna head towards Which brothel?

I'm gonna sniff it out. The one that swords in? Yeah. Okay, yeah that I'm just gonna head towards a brothel. That's across the road from you. So you so I'm gonna just go into it. So you walk in.

When the morning is a little bit more than a little bit more visit. Or stuffing scones in my mouth. Okay, so as you come in the door, I'm gonna switch to sword. Fucking hell what's the smell? As the early s as the early morning sun peaks between heavy curtains, sword, you're awoken by the sound of laboured snoring.

It takes you only a few moments to realise you're not alone in this gaudy four-poster bed of the Rose room. Lying next to you is the familiar half-orc bulk of either Bob or Nob. You aren't really sure. I try and recall what happened last night. You went to bed alone. I'm trying to think, did I wake up in the night at all? No. Remarkably stealthy. Do I feel all right?

You feel okay. Yeah, you feel fine, you feel like you slept alright. Very, very slowly just try and slide out the bed. Okay. Crack him back. Give me a stealth check. Give me a stealth check. Cracking. It's all crusty. Like hardened chocolate on ice cream. Ooh. Seventeen. Nice. Nineteen, that was an eighteen there. Bam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem. You can stealthy way out of this bed. I look at his forehead.

If I if I could go round the other side, is it like I was looking at his back? I go around the Yeah, so he was rolled over with the the the duvet right up around him. Is there an autograph? Yeah, he's got something scrawled all over him. Yeah, yeah. Bob. You it was you. What are you doing in here? I'll leave you to it. And I'm gonna skulk out. Oh Gott, das ist Disgusting. Has he got has he left anything?

Like his clothes and stuff. Yeah, it's just in a pile on the floor next to him. He's near under that DV. I'm gonna rummage. In his stuff. See if there's any coins. You're gonna try and rub his clothes. Yeah. Alright, okay. You start going through it. Yeah. Um you can you can have a rummage. Do I get my ten silver back that we paid them? Um is it with gold? He doesn't look like he's got any like coins or stuff on him. He it's basically just his his trousers.

A sort of dirty rag of underwear. Like you know, this is like a almost like a jock strap you're going through. It's pretty gross, it really stinks. Like you're you're you're you're going through just like his bottoms. Ultimately they're basically topless. They usually have like a leather harness And they walk about all day on the port. It's really stinky and sweaty. Yeah, no, there's there's not much in them. You perhaps find a few coppers.

I decide it's not the best option. It's not really what rumming. I uh pull up my collar and try and like

You know, keep my head down and just walk out the brothel. Okay. Well you walk out the rose room door, out onto the upstairs um landing of the brothel. So it's a the brothel's Got uh sort of uh walkways around on the first floor, all the rooms have outside have a walkway. And then you can look over a banister down onto the ground floor where the staircase wraps round and below. And as you look over, you see Titus walking in the front door. Fucking hell, I keep my head down. And uh

Give me a perception check. Give me a perception check first. Two. That's a two. Another two. Alright, you don't see sword. So you're looking around, merry eating your things. Um up to up to you. You see the The the madam, the owner, the proprietor of the brothel walk up to Titus, and she's just like, Oh hello dear. Oh hello. Would you be looking for Today, this morning. I think I made a mistake last night, in fact, and I'm trying to erase that mistake by doing another mistake on top.

But a mistake that's lesser than Does that make any sense? Yeah. Like a double negative, yes. Just kind of just wash off the funk with more funk, but different type of funk. We cater for all forms of mistake here. What what kind of mistake were you looking to indulge in? Just something really freaky. Really weird. Yeah, something weird. I want to get tied up. I want to be strung up, but I also want all sorts of things happening to me. I want a group.

You want groups? We're gonna have to hire multiple performers. I'm a big I'm a big deal round here. How much money do you have? I'm not gonna tell you my bank balance. What is this? I'm gonna get robbed in here. You might. Uh this is a This is a good establishment. We would not rob you. I'm just trying to get freaky. What have you got to offer? What have you offered me?

Well, I've only got three or four of my staff in yet. I can try and rouse some of the night shift if d how many people do you think you'll need? Well, first of all I need a message. I damaged my bank. quite severely just now, like moments ago. I need a quick massage, flip me round and then sort me out. Okay, well um if you'd like to What do you think of gills? Does anyone deal with gills?

Well how would you like us to deal with keys? Just get in the gills. Get in there. Yeah, really get in there. What really massage or I'm talking like four objects or and or fingers or appendages just up in the gills. Oh that feels great. Are you looking for men, women, animals? I I couldn't give a shit. You you don't care. I just know I This is a remarkably brutal. Something horrible stuff happened last night. I can't remember what happened.

But I know that something went on. She said love a boy. Oh. And I just need to wash that away. Okay, well if you'd like to take the stairs? I'm trying to like. Is there a particular room you I need to do? You can't. There's no way you could if you go down the stairs he's gonna see. Is there a particular room edging down the stairs and stuff? Uh yes, if you look for the uh oh and she looks in her book and laughs a little bit.

Uh the rose room. Each of the rooms has a uh flower upon the door. Uh you want the rose room, yes. What's the rose that like? A rose is often a a red flower with green petals and thorns along the shaft. What is the colour red? The colour red is that of human blood. God. Oh, I try and I'll try my best. Very good. Try and find it. All right. So I'll just go upstairs. Stairs, yes, and it should be right up in front of you there. Okay, cool, have a look. I'll uh wander upstairs. Have a look round.

You see sword on the stairs. Oh. Hey mate. What the fuck are you doing here? I'm about to get freaky freaky with some I don't know, something. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. Hell no. Why not? I had a rough night. I did some well you had a rough night. Yeah. You how old was she? Boy. Because she I think I think she was really old.

Like really, really old. Yeah? Yeah. Well sometimes, you know, a bit of experience is not a bad thing. Well, maybe not, but I just I feel still alive. She's still alive. Oh god, yes. Yeah, no, she saw me. I tumbled out of a window.

And a straight on my back. So that again messes up there. It wasn't a part of it. Bit extra, a bit bonus. It was a straw bed. It was quite uncomfortable. They had dart out a window. Well I just felt anyone to see on his Zimmer. I don't know. I didn't want anyone else to see. So I rolled out. Uh but she called me a lover boy and so now I I just rolled into this brothel here. You're trying to bleach your brain. I'm trying to wipe the funk off with more funk. Yeah, yeah. And then

Get on with my day. Say no more. What did you get up to? Is it a number system? Is it like a menu? Like there is no menu. Four with sides. I no. What did you go for though? What did you spend? I I literally just borrowed some money.

I don't have any money. Well, I thought you had the whole money. Where's all the money gone? Oh, it's in your hole. A little bit of money. It's in my hole. Oh fuck, I'm sorted then. But no worries. Well I'm gonna go up there. If you wanna meet me up there, where's the t I d I really don't. Where's the tool? The what? I don't know where he went.

Oh shit he wasn't with you. I thought he went with you to the brothel and I was like jelly. We all split off. Of course. He was like I'm I can't remember what he said. Something about oh I dunno. I really couldn't care less about what he says. Right, well I'm gonna go upstairs, see what they've got to offer. I don't know how long I'll be.

Ambitious. That is ambitious. I could be a few minutes honestly. I told them to get the all the guys on it. Get free. The gills. They go over the gills. It's been a while since I've had the gills. Yeah, why not? It could be really quick, in fact. So um I'm gonna go to the rose room. Which room did you go stay? Uh well uh which stream is locked now, so I just wanna know to avoid it because I don't

There's any I don't think they've cleaned it since and I can smell. I had to crack back my duva this morning. Oh you cracked it back? Yeah. Right. That's the kind of establishment we're dealing with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good luck with that. Right, okay. I'm gonna go have a really solid bath. Uh and go the rusty axle. The rusty axle. I'll see you there soon. Yes. Yeah, you want to be standing and walkable after this, so uh no butt stuff.

Okay, oh yeah. I'll see what I'll see what they do. Alright. I'll get the massage before and after. Sandwich it. Good idea. Yeah, nice. Right, well I'll see you in a minute, mate. See the rusty accent. I walk out awkwardly. Sword walks out. You continue walking upstairs. Yeah, I'm talking about it. You open the door to the rose room?

Knock Knock! Hello, who's who's in here? In here is uh there's a large sleeping figure under the duvet. Oh here we go, here we go, straight into it. Are you the message or are you a forafters? And they roll over and you notice it's Bob. Oh Alright? What are you doing in here then? Alright, you Nob or Bob? Which I'm gonna be? You can tell by the Bob all the the scrawlins on my face. Oh of course, yeah. Famous musician did this. Which one was that?

Can't remember. Every time I look in the mirror it's the wrong way. Can't read it the wrong way. That's true. Um I asked no, but he can't read at all. I'm the smart one. So what are you doing here? I just uh I mean you Oh I sleep in my wrong room I keep here sometimes. You just sleep when I can't make it home in time I come in here instead. Oh okay. How much do they charge you? Uh I do free because I do door work here sometimes. Oh, okay. So d when when do the ladies come?

Oh it's it no no ladies this one. Well who's it then? What what creatures? Oh brilliant, nice. Okay, there you go. How are their hands? Rough. Oh, I kinda need that for the back. I've just bloody throughout a window just now and yeah, my back's pretty ruined. So um the door slams open as four. Whoa!

Looking half orcs come in. They're all men so strong. And they accidentally like they're shuffling in a cut like a trolley of like massage and like there's oils, there's like an infuser burning already. There's like a blanket over a over something. Yeah, I'm decloaking as they push it in. Right. Hello. They're like, alright, yeah, we and a half work crew, we're um the madam sent us up here for uh uh The massage sandwich four-way fuck fest, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Massage before and after.

Yeah, we're very strong. We'll get all the kinks right out of you. Right, I'm gonna lay down and put a few in you as well, if you know what I mean. Honestly, just slowly get the gills. You want the gills? Yeah, we've got that down here. Alright Bob, you stay in for this one? He's like Nah, gotta go, gotta go down to the dock.

Alright, nice one cheers and Bob gets up. He puts his trousers up. He pulls up his trousers and his jock strap. Before you see him the you see him stand up out of the sheet. Just bare ass. He's got like a really disappointing ass. Like a Remember that picture of that like frog ass? Remember that? You know? Like like that toad's ass? Yeah. It's like that. Toad's ass. Sort of greyish brown mottled skin. Yeah. So it's kinda desaturated around the cancer. It's just it's small leg. Yeah.

And you see where he's got up from the bed, there's just a big old skid mark as well where he's been sleeping naked. Oh, okay. On the sheets. Yeah. And uh yeah, he throws he throws the sheets back, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. Like somebody folding up a gravel driveway. And uh he puts his clothes on. Alright then. Right, I'm gonna grab this small bucket of lube and just pour it over my head. Kind of just wriggle around and just slap myself in the

Right, back first! Okay. Alright, so they get working on your back, four of them gather round. Oh yeah, it seems like you got a bit of bit of trauma, eh? What have you been doing? Have you been sat out just falling out of the window or something? I slept on a straw bed last night. Slept on a straw bed, eh? Oh yeah, yeah. Crunch, crunch.

Crunch crunch It's cracking like crazy. And then another one of the Arthur's comes round, he takes the blanket off of the top of the things covered on the trolley.

And there's just si a series of bizarre shaped like protruding objects. Like some they're made of what looks like candle wax. And um they're like uh spirals and curves and and some that end larger at the end and smaller at the base some that are smaller at the top and bigger at the base you know and the guy that one of the half ox is just going through it just looking at it and like looking at your neck and just Yeah, yeah. And so he walks up to you, he pulls your neck out, get it.

Stroke so your spine's all good and then just gets two of his favourite strokes. Goes straight on it for and just starts. He spits a little bit. Just spit on them, moving them. Yeah. Pulls it out. And on the end of it is like what looks like earwax, but it comes from So he's like really cleaned you out. So there's like big old like Bloody Hell, nice. Yeah. Nice job. Yeah. And then um and then they all undress and get into the bed with you.

Four half orcs climb into a large four poster bed with you. Um I'm just gonna go limp. And the lube is making it really difficult. They're all sliding around like one of them falls over on your back a few times. Their knees are going. Jock straps, the camera pulls back and the door closes, and cries of pain and pleasure can be heard shaking the Jesus! Yeah one sounds exactly like a wheel. That's the climax of one of the orcs. Uh

Well nice. I'm glad you didn't. I just described the whole seconds later, I'm out of here. Twelve seconds later. I thought it was gonna be rather than a lot of things. I thought it was gonna go for it. I thought it was gonna be like gamify butts. Yeah. Okay, roll, sight of hand. So Titus, you are

I presume press the digitation yourself clean. All of the lube is now gone. Looking bizarrely fresh. Little bit of redness around the gills. A little bit uh bit swollen. Right, I'm gonna head uh let's find this bloody rusty axle. I'm gonna step outside. I'm gonna go Say bye to the mate who's the woman at the Well you need to pay. Oh yeah, well I'll go meet meet her then. Oh come downstairs. Well you were very quick. I know about twelve seconds. I think I caught new record for you?

No, honestly, I've done very quicker, much quicker. That's actually a good session. Were you happy with the service providers? Oh yeah, it was good stuff. How happened top notch. But I mean she had puts out her hand. I mean how much would you normally charge for such a such a an event? What do you think it was worth? You're paying four individuals Tools, oils 2 gold? 10. We'll do it. 10 gold. 10 gold. I'll give you 8. Okay. Okay. Uh here's eight goals.

Toss it to her. You're now eight gold further away from your ship. I assume you slap down the hole and slap down the hole, open the chest. Oh wow. Eight please. Please let me out! Shut the fuck up. Right. Here you go. There you go. Eight gold. Thank you. Lovely. Spend it wisely. Do come back.

Oh, I might do. What'd you call me? Do come back. Oh yeah, no yes, of course. I thought I didn't clean my back then. Oh no, I'm sure it's quite tender now. Quite quite valuable. Yeah, no, I am I am soft. I am tender enough. Tender and soft. A whole different way. Well Which way to the rusty axle would you know? Oh you just out the door here, turn left, walk for five minutes along the main concourse. You can't miss it, it'll be on your left. Brilliant. Okay, I'm gonna kind of

A little bit towards the door. Walk in's a bit as well. When you walk out. I actually walk past the door. Oh wait, oh hi mate. I went the wrong way. Oh you w I literally don't know where it is. Oh you went the wrong way. Yeah I went left handing. I went right. Oh. And I went all the way

Around the fucking nightmare. That was twelve seconds of my life I'm never getting back. Yeah, well I've just been pleased. You've done are you? I've just had the service, mate, the full service, four of them. Wow. And back's a bit better, but still ooh. You got a bit of Oh yeah, just don't mind that, it'll heal.

Does it look very obvious? Oh super obvious. Oh god. Your whole neck is glowing. Oh dear God. Okay. And a bit of like residue. Move my beard a little bit up, just kind of this conceals it a bit. Sure. So it's left. What's it look like now? Uh worse, but whatever. Just let's keep the on this way.

So the P who's been walking for a little while at the main concourse now is first to reach the rusty axle. Two spinning wheels, axle, rusty axle. This is the place. This is it. As you approach the pub, you see a broad stone building with three floors and a grid of nine large windows protected by wooden shutters. Above the entrance, two wagon wheels spin gently and noisily on a poorly maintained axle that protrudes on arms from the front of the pub.

The pub does not seem busy at this time, but you hear the clink of plates and a low murmur of morning conversation within. Outside the r um to the right of the pub is a small stable and hitching post. Four large cow sized goats uh stand patiently in front of sturdy wains, which are basically wagons for hauling large amounts of raw materials. As you're waiting in front of this pup, you see none other than your two companions, Titus and Sword, Uh few hundred meters down the road. What should I do?

Hey guys. God, they chopped both in at the same time. Fucking exhaust. I'm exhausted. Oh no, there it is. Hello, hello, Capita. How is your night? How you know what what's up with the old neck? Sorry. Oh god's sorry, they fell down Is it gone now? Is it good? So I was just went to the brothel. Rough morning. Last night just now. Yeah, no. I spent an o a night with a little old lady uh on a straw bed.

And to cover that funk up, because I think I did some stuff. I can't really remember. I was pretty drunk. And she seemed to think something happened. I don't know if it did. Anyway, I went to the brothel to wash that off. And did that work? I don't know. I think I feel a little bit refreshed. They gave me a massage, I fell out of the window. Naturally. Um and yeah, uh my girls feel refreshed. Anyway, I I went to sleep on the beach.

I think I may have got mugged. Oh on the beach mugging. A classic beach mugging, yes. Or if you sleep on the beach. I just thought it'd be nice like, you know, wake up to the sunrise. But there's plenty of room on the straw bed where I was. And it might have uh thrown some of the attention off me, you know? Um so do you notice on the top of the back of his shell, sort of like behind the back of his head, there's just a little thing somebody's scrolling I wrote this in poo.

Yeah, and then I woke up and there's just like loads of um just trash around me and on me. But I washed it all off, so don't worry, like the smell's all gone and everything. Beach trash. And yeah, I went in the sea, gave myself a little uh bath, yeah. Terence had a little bath as well. He's still inflated in fact actually. Terrence, push on the new tum. There he goes. Oh, adds to it. That's stinks quickly. Yeah.

Did you wash? You said you washed. Ah washed. Scrubbed the the fine. Scrubbed it down? Well it dipped. Show me how you wash your shell. Well I can't reach Michelle. Oh where's Michelle? Is she The shell just cleans itself surely? It's shiny. Oh sorry, his shell. Oh his shell of course. I just went in the water down to the water. You can't reach behind his head like this. Waist tight and I just went dip.

And then I'll taste so you missed it. Yeah, well you fucking missed a bit. Did I? There's shit on your shell. Not actually. Literally shit. Someone scrolls. I'm not testing it. Sword, get off. Get oh, get it away from me. Kind of hang on, I'll just I'll get Terrence. I grab Terrence. I'll use Terrence. There you go, scrub him off. Tyrance squeaks a bit, he doesn't like it very much. Disgusting. Now he's inflate him and have him above you for a bit. Oh yeah, get up there.

There he goes. Interesting smell though. It's kind of just a lingering shit balloon. As um as he expands, uh the the poop has like flicks off of him. Like you know, it's kind of like dry poop and he expands and it's sort of like

And an uh a and it sort of pings off of him. I don't know if you've ever seen like when you write on a balloon when it's deflated and then when it inflates, it kind of stretches the word. It does that with the poop and then the poop stops clinging to him and just sort of showers down in front of you. Oh caught me in the eye. Got me in the eye, I'm gonna go back to the bottom. Oh fucking hell.

Well, that's actually quite good. Like holding my head in. It's got a particularly it's like a matte clay. Quite a good hold. Yeah. Usually I use like grease or something, like whale oil. I did some pretty disgusting things this morning, but this.

You got something I'm gonna wash this with? For God's sake. Okay. We'll g we'll go in the restaurant. Oh you can just clean me up with that there we go. I'll wash him up with pretty yeah, there we go. Why did you need to get out of your hair? Can you can you clear clean Terence? Uh yeah, yeah, well the smell is actually quite unbearable. There we go. Take some of that fluffy bastard. You're all nice and clean, aren't wizards useful? Yeah. Let me know when you wanna come down, Terrence.

It's to clean office blocks. Anyway, look, we're we' we're making a name for ourselves here. We can't walk around with shit on us. I didn't ask to be covered in it, did I? You're a known figure. You're a known figure. I thought I was being you know, um I thought if I booked into a hotel or something that they'll uh you know, word would spread. Whereas if I'm inconspicuous on the beach just inside my shell.

They're not gonna know Tortle from Tortle. I haven't seen Michelle anyway. I'll go notory. Apologies. I push open the door. Okay, you walk into the inn. Uh you step into the inn, it's a large inn with a low ceiling, lots of heavy wood beams throughout uh the bar room. Uh there's a fire off to the side where several patrons are sat around eating what looks like porridge. At the bar you spot four dwarves.

Each with a a different hair colour. We've got a blond, a ginger, brown, and a very dark coloured, sort of blackish grey. Uh they are sat at the bar drinking what looks like a very large, tasty, frothy ale. Um and the barkeep behind them is a humanoid uh human fact sorry, not humanoid, they're all human. a human, uh male in his thirties, wiping down the bar. It's um it's a nice place. It's it's got a lot of sort of um

workers tools, old tools, old bits of um like horses traces I think they're called, which is like you know, like the harnesses and things like that. It's sort of like a very country style pub on the inside. There's the odd trophy hanging on a wall, um stone floors and wooden tables. Uh it's not too busy. Oh the chain. The chain. Alright, I walk up to these Figures. Mm-hmm. I'll have what they're having. Three of them actually.

Okay. Okay. Um all right, the barkeeps like um Okay, yeah, no problem. Uh we'll get you the uh the Oatie breakfast tanket. Um OT. Aye, it's uh it's a it's a sort of uh oatie hoppy brew, it's very thick, it's like having a meal. Yeah, we're gonna go on a big journey to a mine. Oh and then one of the the dwarves looks to the s looks round to you sort of slightly up as well because he sat quite squat.

and he's got like a big beard. They've all got big long beards. Very classic looking dwarves this lot, you know, miners, the whole the whole nine yards. This is a stereotypical dwarf you're looking at. Big beard. And he's um just finished taking a big pull out of his tankhead and he's got a load of froth on his on his mustache and he's like Oh yes oh I've had a message from Michelsalgo about you lot. You're meant to be coming with us aren't you? Well I'm pretty sure you heard it from Flagan.

Sorry, I get confused sometimes. Yeah, I'll I'll join you on that one. I like to forget a few things. It's delicious, this stuff. Yeah, so uh we'll be joining you today, lending a hand. Get a bit of lead out of the ground with us. Gonna get some lead out, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fill up your wagons, and then we'll take our share, if that's all right. Yes, yes. Anything you put out of the ground. We'll get a cut.

Yeah, I think Flagan agreed that with you, right? Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah but you you you have to help us a little bit. You have to help us get some of it out to the ground. Yeah, of course, yeah. Aye, aye, and we got tools and stuff we could borrow?

Ja, we've got a few, we've got a few things you can use, yes. Ah, yes, not the best pick. Alright. Do you guys have any cream? Look at these. Look what happened here. Ooh, that doesn't I got mugged. What do you believe? You got mugged? Yeah, yeah, they manhandled me. They did that you can see the gills on you. Sorry? The gills? Gills. Gills. Gills.

Is that girls? Girls. Girls. Girls, yeah, girls. Girls. Yes, girls. I can breathe through them underwater. Wow. Quite nice, isn't it? But now they're all swollen and I feel like they're getting puffier. Oh yes. So it looks prosperous. Hey Kippi P, how puffy do they look? They're looking pretty puffy mate. What actually happened to you? Do you have any kind of medicine here? Waar is de barcaat? Waar is de barcaat?

Bar bar keeps like hello, yes. Do you have any medicine or kind of creams or kind of Anything to bring this down. No, this is a. Bit of ice? I I've g I could. Ice and slice, sir? I could do a bit of ice, yes. Uh Totter some ice. And he he goes into the back and digs out some ice from like a cold storage. And puts uh gets a couple of cloths, like um linen cloths, wraps, ice in them, and hands them over to you. Ah, lifesaver, mate, cheers.

Uh what do I owe you for that? Anything No, it's on the house. It's the hospitality of the Rosti Axle. I'll have an ale. A morning ale. You want a morning ale, a breakfast ale like these ones? Oh, a breakfast ale like these ones. Okay. Okay. You put your food in it, like sausages. No, I I can do your sausage on the side. No, this is um this is just OTB.

Yeah, uh we'll get some food, right, Kapit? I've just got a little scone if you want a scone. Pocket scone. You got a pocket scone? Yeah, do you want a pocket scone? I'll take a pocket scone. I stole a couple from the old lady I slept with last night. But if we're gonna be swinging around a mining pick, we're gonna need all the food we can get. Very good, yes.

Oh sort of go on. I'll keep these in my pocket. Yeah, you take them up there with us. Yeah. But if we can get uh is this full full full breakfast? Or breakfast line. Yeah, do you do meal deals? Do you do like a beer and a burger or anything like that? We could do you a sausage and a brew. Sausage and a brew. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. Three of those. Sausage and blue combo. Yeah. Brew. Sausage and the brew. It is

You should dip it. I I thought you were trying to like wipe your memory of last night. Oh god, no, I'm not talking about last night. Oh right. That was a different thing. The barkee brings out the three breakfast um the breakfast ale and the bruise refillable. Yes, they're refillable, but you you probably won't want another. They're quite filling. Right. Um and and metal plates get put down either side of it with a big large sausage. Lovely big um sort of curved thing.

It's a big boy. It's a big boy. It's about eight, nine inches long. I'm hungry as hell. I didn't realise. Delicious hot sausage. Can I get one for Terence as well, please? A whole sausage for him. Yeah, he loves eating stuff. How much money do you think we got? He's not eating seven thousand seven hundred and fifty eight. I don't know if we got 750. Plus Terence, we were gonna experiment with what he can do with different gifts.

So you hand the sausage off to Terrence? Terrence, come down there mate, come down. Down he comes. Right. Yes. Gosh, I wish that was a better way. They are Terrans. Feeding it to him, he sniffs it. Yeah. And then you've sort of just pushed so the flat end, you put the round end of the half sausage in first into his mouth, and then keep your finger on the back and he just goes.

And he just takes he just doesn't chew. He just goes Wow. And he just like he's a little unsure of what he just did. And he's just like He likes it. Did you like that too? Little rabbity smile on his face. He didn't show it all. He likes that now. Hopefully there's no ill effects. That's just in him then. Like the uh calamari, remember that? Oh yeah, flame. Maybe keep it. Maybe point his butt away from us. Yeah, when it comes back down again. Oh, see, I've got to send them back up there.

There he goes. How much does he bloom this time? Well, he hasn't really digested the sausage yet. It's taken a little while, so um but he didn't chew, which is obviously gonna slow digestion down. Is he breathing?

He seems fine. He's quite merrily happy. He's looking around. He's actually looking at the other sausages on the plate quite hungrily. Like you know, he's like, you like that sausage. The the the one of the dwarves turns to you and he's like, all right, chips. Okay, so what we're gonna do. We're gonna take you with with the uh with with the wagons and the goats outside, which I'm guessing you all saw, and we'll take you out from the town. We'll go w walk through the interior.

We're heading west inland through the jungle and then once we leave the jungle we'll come up through some foothills and and we'll we'll take you to our our mining area. We've already set up a little bit there already, this isn't the first time we've been here, so we know where we're going, and then we'll show you where you can dig and help us extract some of the lead. So uh is that sound good to you? Yeah, how long's this expedition? Is it like is it just today?

it in a day but we could do it over two depending on how well we get on. Right. Oh we don't have a tent or anything to camp out there unless you got something set up. Oh, we've got a few things available, yes, I can show you whence without You but you um probably anywhere but us two we can shell anywhere, me. Yeah, no we've got enough space for at least two of you, maybe three, but the two shouldn't be a problem. Now we've got we've got specialist equipment on the goats outside.

Oh really? Shh. Alright, well yeah, I'd like to get as much done as we can in a day. Very busy, very popular, got a lot to do, uh get as much lead as we can, get in, get out, Bob's your knob. Bob is I know. Bob Nice. Yeah. And Bob. Yeah, good paper. Good paper. Cool. Alright, well, whenever you guys want to head out, we're just gonna down our drinks and finish our sausages and then we'll uh We're in your capable hands.

Then your sausages now. Uh how long do you want to eat for? I'm gonna warm mine down. Just gonna just It's a good sausage. It's a lot of sausage. It's a lot for a person to just chew in one. But you try, you do it? Altyazı M.K.

An eight. Nine. Nine. You cough it back up onto the table. Shit. Back onto your plate. I'm just slowly chewing through mine. Fuck it, I'm just no time for this. Gonna eat this mashy salivory bit of sausage. It's fine still, but it's a little embarrassing. The dwarves look at you a little bit like you're an animal. Um whatever. I don't care. I didn't introduce myself, by the way. Uh I'm uh I'm head workman work boss goody it's

I'm Goody. You can just call me Goody, but I'm in charge of this long. Gur Guri. Goody. Goody. Goody. G-U-R-I. Goody. Goodie. Goody. Over there's Nate. Good. Next to him Samu. He's our smelting wizard. And we've got Raf on the end. It doesn't matter, you don't have to remember all our names. I just felt like it was approach.

I've I What's my name? I think Flogan said you must be Titus. He said there'll be an uptight we wizard of some description. Of course. That's it. Um a badly burnt obgoblin, which must be you, sword. And a clumsy tautle, which you Sticky Mickey. Sticky Mickey. You may have heard of me. Yes. You have Do you want an autograph? Bye. What's that? What did you say? Did you want an autograph? I'm all right for now, thank you. Alright. Did you enjoy your breakfast?

They're very popular where we come from. I've tried mine yet actually. Filling. Very filling. Pretty uh pretty hearty, yeah. Yeah. It's like a Guinness mixed with porridge. Am I supposed to be able to chew it? Pretty thick. You can, yes. It depends how you want to do it. We tend to chew a little. I didn't expect to have to chew a drink.

Oats and Guinness mixed together basically. And then um a little bit of a lighter ale to kind of lighten it up a bit, but it's a very dark stout with a bit of light ale run through it, some honey, some oats. And then it's prepared in such a way that it gets nice and frothy. And uh yeah, it's it it's both refreshing and filling and wholesome. And then the sausage is just a really nice counterbalance to that. It's it's delicious. The barkeep is sort of looking at you expectantly, like uh

Uh uh I presume you're gonna pay for that. Write the holdow. You don't you don't have a tab. Oh I thought it was sometimes it works. I I just saw people say it. Captain. Well I never look at that, he's got a productible hole. How much do you uh Adam, how much do we owe you? Uh uh gold will cover the lot. Kevin, just uh toss a goal up. Okay here go. There you go. Can I come out yet? No, shut the fuck up.

Okay. How's it gold split into three? A lot of decimals here. Yeah. I think you're round enough. Oh so you were mathematician? Somewhat. Well go on then do the math. Okay. Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen. And he just puts the dog void in his till. Thank you, sir. Enjoy that, T. Saluting everyone. 0.33 reoccurring if you didn't know. Sorry? Whatever. Okay. Let's get out.

To the mice. He's joking, clearly, then why he finds it so funny though. Um awkward smile. And the the r the other the other dwarves are like, Hello, hello, oh, hi. Hey, hello. Right, um come out to the front of the of the pub and aga so Master Goody says, These are our goats. They do a couple of different things. And these are lar these are big goats. These are goats the size of like almost like a bull.

These they're large. They're like a b imagine. Well, you didn't. I mean Kipi didn't at least. It was described to him. Yeah, there are these big goats and they are attached uh to these big old wagons. Now they've got the sort of, you know, uh it's almost like a mine cart.

the wagon they've got behind them attached with robust wheels. Um it's wooden the cart, but it's sort of reinforced with metal on the inside to give it uh uh s the strength to have things thrown into it. Imagine a skip on wheels. Um But it's just one big carrot uh wagon is there. There are four. So there are four of these goats with four wagons attached. Holy crap. On the backs of the goats there was also these um what looks like a a carefully folded pile of different materials almost.

So um there's like a base like uh imagine how you'd saddle a horse, right? So you'd have like a blanket, you'd have a saddle. Um this is uh similar in that it's got like a one blanket layer, then there's some leather sort of uh straps and things like that, then there's a couple of other bits. And then there's what looks like sort of like

almost like a folded balloon or something on the back as well. And each of the goats is stacked up with with these sort of rigs. Um they aren't meant to be ridden. There aren't saddles. Um so you will be walking, all of you. Um And uh yeah, they're ready to go. They have various bits of mining equipment attached to both the goats and the wagons. Uh food, you can see sundries, water

All kinds of things ready to go. This is all like a a one-stop shop for a mining expedition, this this goat and wagon combo. You guys are kitted out. Yes, yes, we're very proud of what we've done. We bought this all the way from our homeland. Uh far to the north.

Yeah, I'm just gonna hop in the wagon and then uh You want to ride in the wagon at the other end. Oh I'm not sure how much the goats are gonna like that, but uh you could you could you Well they su they carry lead, right? Well can't be much yes they'll they'll be on they'll be on the haul you, yeah. Yeah. Are you gonna go you're gonna jump in the back of the way?

Well I'm not gonna walk all the way, that's nuts. Why would we walk? I'm getting in, I'm climbing in. I've just had sausage. I'm already climbing in. He's had mourning sausage. Yeah. Hop in, sausage, you jumped in. Okay. Oh sword, hop in. Yeah, I'm hopping in. Come on, this is a piece of cake. How much do we weigh? Well, this wasn't really discussed, and you will tire out the goats a little bit more, but I'm happy to let you do it for a little bit of money. Hey, do you milk these goats?

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Don't just make up a number off the top of your head. Ten gold each to take you to the site in the beginning of it. Come on, you can walk. We've got a ship, haven't we? We've got to walk all the way there and then mine leads. This is nuts. Alright, fine. Thanks for it. Imagine the imagine the sacks. Is this what you imagine when you came to Gold Titan? You'll stay in. I'll stay in. You guys, thanks for the sacrifice. Just ten gold per each. No.

If we're not playing, you're not playing. Get out. Come on. You gotta walk off so you know. I mean there is I will say that like not all of your gold has to be communal gold. You could have a bit of gold on that. I'm not gonna spend my gold. No, okay, right. Communal gold only. I'll climb out. Let's do this.

Okay, right, so you begin to walk. So it's gonna take about six hours of travel. What? Oh god, get him pay the test. Dirty gold, isn't it? God, give him the gold. Can we just pay him? Just pay the man. What are we getting halfway through? Should we just pay five? That's fine, yes you can pay five halfway through. Two, three hours?

Or should we just pay with our whole bloody trip? What's 30 gold for what we've got? Is it mostly uphill? Think of the percentage. What are we gonna get for this? How much are we gonna pay them? Can we get loads? Lead's gonna be turned into gold, don't tell me. Just mine a bit more lead. That's exactly right. Let's hop in. I'm going back in already. We are very we aren't mathematicians and we don't think for ourselves a lot.

We're done. Okay. All right. So you proceed at dwarf walking pace. Ah. Uh as in you are in the car. it's quite slow because you're the dwarves are walking. Um It will take about six hours of travel at walking pace to get to the lead claim, heading west towards the interior of Gold Tooth Isle.

The majority of the trip will be on a well travelled road. It should be somewhat safe and relatively easy going. It's only in the last two hours of the trip where you will leave the road and things might get a bit more difficult. Okay. So you start heading up the main concourse. As you leave the town centre heading west, you pass most of the established buildings of the town. You see more inns, trade businesses, and organizational headquarters.

An ornate stone building that looks somewhere between a church and a port terminal is packed with people as you pass it. A large queue of wealthy-looking individuals and their entourages snake out around the building as they prepare to take what you recognize as a golden bridge or heavenly gate off of the island. This is the sort of terminal for for that. Eventually the main road west takes you out of the built up areas of the town and onto the outskirts.

Here small residences and wooden shops dot the neighborhood. The paved road turns to cobbles, and the tree line of jungle and lush foothills can be seen up ahead. Not the cobbles. They're the The dwarves and their wains take you on As you reach the edge of the town, the dwarves and their wains take you on underneath the canopy. Off the tree. The sounds and smells of Gold Tooth Town fade away behind you to be replaced by bird song, monkeys, and other strange noises.

The humidity rises and the smells of nature fill your nostrils. The cobbles turn to the hard-packed dirt of the jungle road that whilst maintained battles each day against the encroaching flora. You occasionally see other travelers on foot, mount or wagon, passing by on their way to Goldtooth Town.

So you're heading along. Oh yes, it's been a while since we've been out to our uh our claim. Yes, we've we couldn't couldn't get a break in the weather for some time. It's been very flooded in the hills. And uh yeah, you're just you're wandering through the jungle at the moment. Uh anything you'd like to do? They're just ambling along. You're in the back of the car this entire time. Quick game of Rot, rag, and shank. We've been playing them for hours.

And just one more, rock dragon shang. I can't play any more rock dragon shangs. Come on. Come on. One more. What else? Uh can we play something else? Can we make something up? Uh I spy with my non-burnt eye. Start and beginning with W. Uh wagons. Oh my god. Why do the goat stinks the best? Hey guys, have you noticed how the pace

Have you noticed how slow we're going? Yeah no of course not have I noticed how slow we're going? Yeah. We could have walked this faster. The walk. I was gonna say, what if we walk on a head? Yeah. We get a head start on the leads that they want to do. We don't know where they're gonna where it's gonna be. No, we need guidance, K Pee. I don't know where the mine is. I don't like them.

They know this land. We could just get out for a bit of fresh air though, couldn't we? I just want to stretch my legs. To be honest, this has been Let's hop out. We're on a discount. Okay, we'll stop here for a minute, boys. Oh. Feed the goats, give'em a bit of water. You guys that they want to stretch their legs. He's kinda heard you talking about this.

He said, Okay, y no problem. We'll give you a bit of a stop. There's a there's a stopping point just up here. And he they pulled the wagons over to the side of this road. Um The soil is sort of very reddish brown here, uh dense bushes and trees either side of the road. There's a thick canopy above you, sunlight occasionally peeking through, but it's um Yeah, it's tall jungle. It it's Pretty dense. I go out and just stretch in. Wow. Take a whiz on the floor. Nice. Just open. Just. Thank God.

Ah You're not one of the goats. A as as you're doing this, a a another very ornate cart comes the other way, drawn by two fancy looking horses and Where you going? They sort of open their little tiny windows like it. Oh look, mum, he's pissing in the road. Where are you going? You're disgusting and they slap it. Don't you dare judge ass and attack! I'm going to ass and attack the boy! They've already closed the boy it's a young woman looking out of a window of a heavily fortified container.

She's closed the thing already. The acid splashes off of the window. And the guard the guard can't like on the top of the thing just sees his happening. And they speed up. Um I'm sorry. It's been a while, I just gotta calm that down. Oh Mum he's And you hear the bat in the in the in the sort of fading distance. Mum he he he put acid on the window. Oh it's okay, darling, you know it's enchanted. I can't hear that, can I? No. Well sort of. Yeah. But they'd hear that. Now you get to hear it.

Oh fuck and must. Aren't you a noble? Yeah, but I know what they're like. Tofts. Like you. Well, I'm different. I'm like you now. I shake off.

Jesus Christ, we can watch shit. What is that hose? Takes it off. Rings it off, okay. I think so I'm also taking a whiz. I see you doing that, so I'm like just kit but just hide it. Why are you so shy? No. Yours is just a hole. It's a hole out of the shell. It's a cloaca. So like It doesn't really even form a point. You sort of just squat down, push your groin forward a little bit, it just falls out the front of you. Phoebe, dear God, you're leaking. What's wrong?

Not again. Oh he's pissing in where he stands. So that's how we're doing this, is it? Fine. I will stand here. Billow I'm billowing my cape and then just piercing. Piercing what in the wind? Just into the onto the floor in front of me like the rest of like animals. This is what you've degraded me to. I'm one of you now. And again round the corner comes a few other people. This time they're sort of travelling monks. In very basic clothing, brown, rough spun robes. Pilgrimage with their hoods up.

Uh and one of them is carrying a like a s uh very simple staff with a triangle on the top of it. Oh. You recognize them as as um Pursuance of the three-pointed star. Oh, sweet. Oh actually, you keep your mouth shut on this. And they're they're walking along, just four of them in quite a tight formation, not really talking, just walking slowly. They've got sandals on. And they look up and they're like.

Travellers. Praise be to the three-point star. Praise be indeed. A noble pilgrimage, I'm sure. Uh we are just returning to Gold Tooth Town on the way back to the Empire. We've tried to civilize some of the um the tribal nations of this island. Not particularly successfully, I will say. What what what are you and your your dwarven companions here doing? Well, we'll just enjoy the jungle for its bountiful leaf. You still pissing? I'm still pissing while talking. I see.

What were you looking at? It looks away. Never shy away from nature. It's nature. Look at me. Look at me. Look at my eyes. I will not. Look at my eyes. I will not. Look at my eyes. I want to cry. Gaze towards my eyes. I won't. Find them. Find my eyes. He pulls his hood further down. Not gonna do it. Sir. Not gonna look, isn't he? Not gonna look. My eyes My eyes, sir. Sir, my eyes He looks into your eyes. I honor your never cause. Back there!

Uh uh. Tyus, we gotta have a word. What's wrong? Like what the fuck are you doing? Well look, I was just in real life. What is this? Like culturally, that's fucked up. What's wrong? He wasn't looking at me. You're pissing. I know I was still just dripping off. This is a man of the three-pointer star. Oh, I have with me a worry, is this really disrespectful? I have with me a healing brother. It's okay, you're clearly soft of mind. Yeah. Um

I have with me a healing brother that maybe ought to help with those vile looking wounds on your head. Oh my goodness, do you really? Yes, yes, yes. Brother Brother Pot. And he comes forward and he's decided Hello Hello. I have some unguins and creams that may or may not be appropriate for the wounds upon your neck. Well they're not Oh nice, can I

Whoa, look. I know they were self-inflated, but they're not. They're not wounds, yeah, they don't heal them ever. He rums around his bag and pops out little pot. Screw the top off. Oh. This and he puts his hand and pulls out this sort of strangely off white paste and then just gently moves up to you and starts to rub it in and he's like, Oh that's cool. This is a mixture of goose fat. thyme rosemary bee wax and some form of rare eucalyptus.

Nice. There we go. Just leave that to soak in. It should reduce the inflammation within an extra. Two hours. I try to be careful. It was a bunch of half hawks. They're clumsy with their fingers. He puts it back in his pocket and out of his pocket he pulls a pipe. Oh are you smoking mate? What's on? What's the pipe? What's in there? What's in there? Uh Kind of Rosemary.

Time. It's the same thing minus the beeswax. Right, uh okay. What's uh and what kind of what are you getting from that? Just out of curiosity, just out of a light buzz. A light buzz. Yeah, it helps a Yes, yes, yes. Oh, thank you. You go on a So yeah, any any troubles? You know, the three pointer star and its spread of the the word and all that. Oh yes. Yes, we've had some trouble with the loblins. Classic. Bloody buggers. Yeah. Oh crazy that, innit? Yes it is, man.

It'd be much easier. Yeah. But instead we've had to put them to the sword. Course. Yeah, the only only way is violence, isn't it really? Nothing like a good crusade. Try some of this. Is it doing anything? It's doing a little bit, I don't know. So anyway. Oh wow. Yeah. We got a a big day ahead of us. Yeah. So uh Okay. Yeah, yeah. And he he taps out his his pipe.

puts it back in his pocket and reaches for the one you're going to do. Don't get in the way of peace. Oh did you want any? No I'm alright, thank you. Thank you kindly. I said I might be allergic to peace when I appreciate it. Yeah. You find that the in fact, give me both of you give me constitution roles. Oh fucking two. Plus one. Um twelve. Okay. You're alright.

But you uh feeling I'm feeling what am I feeling here? Y you're a bit sketched out. You're a little bit what the fuck you feel a slight bit of paranoia creeping in. You're a little bit more suspicious of things right now. I think we should get on the move. Yeah. I think it should lead to the same thing. Sort of general sense of me, weirdly. Uh and then the the lead the lead monk sort of says so okay. Uh Brother Pot, thank you very much. Um

For for treating his wounds. Uh we must continue now to town. It's only a few hours walk now. Good tidings to you adventurers. What if this what if this does more damage to me then they continue on. Well you do it's starting to feel hot. I'm not ch Does it look hot or does it look worse? No, it does it look probably just soaking in. Probably just soothing it. Yeah. Like a warm sponge. So I still look down.

Oh no, they are still there. It's fine. I wasn't sure if my feet were there. You look down and your feet are slightly at like not quite a straight angle. You find it very strange. You feel like you're standing straight, but every time you look down, your feet are off at like a twenty degree angle to from your body. You're not really sure. Let me see your feet. Why? Look. There's feet. No, yours are doing it too. Fuck it. What there's something wrong with my feet.

Just Look now. Look look at the We haven't even been walking. Yeah, but why would there be anything wrong with that? Well maybe that's what it is. I'm gonna walk now. Okay, you I'm not getting back in that thing. You feel the urge to um like bind your feet. To try and keep them straight. Oh okay. That's uh I've got a little bit of rope in my bag.

I'm just gonna tie my feet together. I think this is it should they need to be straight, you know. They go the other way home. I get lost. In the w look at this jungle. Yes, yes hello. We're we're ready to You ready to continue? Yeah. Alright. Would you like any help getting back in the car?

Oh no no I'm not going back in there. We're gonna walk for a bit. You're gonna walk? I need my legs to move. Okay. Okay. Can you help me for a second? I can help you, it's what's the matter? I need to move my legs and I think they're just staying where they are. Tell them to move. Okay, okay, come with me, come with me. So he takes you to the back of the caravan of of the four wagons.

And he gets two bits of rope and ties them to the rear legs of the the rear goat. So one each and then he ties each of those ropes to your feet. Oh thank you. So every time that the goats take a step, they move your feet forward. Oh okay. I think the goats are the best. Have you even come across this issue before? Oh, this is more uh people not being able to use if What's wrong with him?

He's had a bit of a the monk's herb, isn't he? Oh surprin. I think that goat's looking at me funny. Ah, for God's sake. The goat needs the goat. That's his ass. And the goat the goat's like It's looking at me. It's turned round. Use your legs, goat. And it it's like looking at his own legs and then looking at Titus and it's just like Need the power of your legs, goat. And then put Guri get some going, the other the other dwarves get some going. We need in mining.

Don't talk to it off in a couple of days. A couple of days? Hours, hours, sorry, sorry. Different uh wrong metric of it. Don't worry about me, Sword. Getting that you get in that bucket, let's go. What bucket? That giant bucket. And you hear a Like a clap and a click and then the the caravan starts moving again and shudders into motion as the goat starts moving, it drags your right foot forward, then your left foot forward and then your right foot forward and then your left foot forward.

Ah that's on the wrong track. Okay. I do a very gentle walk, which I assume is easier for me to do than a dwarf. Yes. One step for me is two steps for a dwarves. Yes, the dwarves are moving at quite a good pace, but for you it's just a regular pace. I walk obnoxiously in slow motion next to them. Oh. As if this is too easy. Uh pli please uh they look at you and they're just like these guys Are the worst. Why? Oh we'll get there one day, won't we? The monks cursed you!

They've cursed you, haven't they? I'm going the other fucking goats. It's the monks, isn't it? I can't deal with him. Titus is on the back of the caravan just raving. Um as Can you move this goat to the back of the queue? It is, it's the one at the back. He's like right at the back. There's a wagon between him and the goat. I'm going up to the front. Okay, you're going to the front. Okay. You occasionally hear the old yelp from Titus as he's

Uh down! You're sketching out. That was the end of part one of session seven of booty. Uh oh, I can't wait to Quickly and smoothly we continue into the second session. There may not even be an intro for it. Enjoy!