Annmarie Kelly is the author of The 5 Year Marriage. She and her husband have been married 7 times in their nearly 40 years together. In this episode she explains why getting remarried every 5 years has made their marriage so incredible.
In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to know whether or not you need couples therapy Nearly every day. I get somebody reaching out to me asking if I know a good therapist, if they need therapy, or what they should do if their partner doesn't want to go to therapy, how is their marriage going to get better? Now I want to start off by saying that I'm a firm believer that everybody could benefit from a really good therapist. But therapy isn't always a good fit for everyone...
“Busy-ness is the enemy of love.” I see this play out in relationships every day. People fill their lives with commitments. Piano lessons, dance classes, football practice, summer camp, PTA meetings, service projects, book clubs, high-demand jobs, zoom calls, credit card debt, mortgages they can't afford... They run around frantic and exhausted telling everyone that they're just so busy, and that life is so stressful. Sometimes they even wear it like a badge of honor... as if living life on the ...
Ultimately, we can't have connection with our partner unless we feel safe. Yet often the things that we do to make ourselves feel safe are the things that push our partner farther away. Like storming out of the room in the middle of an argument. Or gossiping to other people, when you need validation that you're right and your partner's wrong. Or emotionally shutting down and withdrawing, when you feel blamed, judged, or like you've screwed up. It kind of makes love feel like this Catch 22. You c...
Dr. Gottman said, "Like the second law of thermodynamics, which says that in a closed energy system, things tend to run down and get less orderly. The same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages. My guess is that if you do nothing to make things better in your marriage, but not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time." Essentially what he's saying here is if you want to overcome this natural drift that will pull you apart over time, you have to do ...
My wife does not have seem to want sex, and she never initiate sex. I'm at a loss here. I work hard. I try to help her around the house. I flirt with her she's okay snuggling or kissing, but the moment she feels or the things are moving towards sex she shuts down. She says that I don't give her enough space to initiate. So I back off and then I wait and I wait and then nothing ever happens. Then I feel sad, grumpy, withdrawn, and rejected. When I bring this up to my wife, she gets frustrated say...
Mira Kirshenbaum defines betrayal as, "When someone does something that breaks a fundamental promise, or violates a fundamental expectation and does so in a way that significantly hurts your peace of mind." In her book, "I Love You, But I Don't Trust You" she states that between 40 and 70% of couples know they have significant problems with trust. And at least 90% of couples will have a crisis of trust at some point. So... how do you recover when you've experienced a betrayal? What should you do...
I didn’t even realize how much anxiety was subtly wrecking my relationship until I read Dr. Kathleen Smith’s book, . Dr. Smith’s book helped me realize that I’ve developed extremely effective anxiety coping mechanisms that kept me confronting my insecurities and weaknesses head-on. There are two problems with this. First, anxiety typically precedes growth. And if I can’t learn to face my anxieties head-on, I will never get the lessons or enjoy the growth that lives on the other side. Second, the...
Stonewalling is the 4th of the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. Here’s where you can catch the past installments that cover Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt. Stonewalling is when you shut down, and completely tune your partner out. You act like you couldn’t care less about what they’re saying. Men are famous for doing this. Statistics show that 85% of the time, the stonewaller is the man in the relationship. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that this is a conscious, antagonisti...
Today we’re going to talk about the 3nd Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse… contempt. Click here if you want to learn about the first or second horsemen. Dr. Gottman calls contempt the sulfuric acid of love. Needless to say, contempt is frickin’ dangerous if it’s present in your relationship. So pay attention to this post, because I’m going to teach you how to deal with contempt when it shows up, and then set up protections to prevent it from ever creeping back in! Contempt is dangerous because...
Defensiveness is the second of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It typically shows up right on the heels of the first horseman: Criticism. (.) Defensiveness is the trap my wife and I fall into most often. Defensiveness is always an attempt to protect yourself from a perceived attack. A defensive response usually implies, “The problem isn’t me… it’s you!” Defensiveness shows up in two different ways: Cross-complaining, and playing the innocent victim. Here’s an example things of how things un...
Criticism: The Gateway To Marriage Misery In marriage, one thing is a given: At some point you and your partner are going to disagree on something. It might be something small like where to eat for dinner on your next date night, what brand of toothpaste to buy, or which Netflix show to stream next. Or it could be something big like how to manage your finances, how you’re going to spend your holidays, or how often you’d like to have sex and who should initiate. It’s impossible for two people wit...
"I hate conflict... is there a way I can be in a relationship without ever having to deal with it?" "I feel like I'm always the reason other people are disappointed." "I'm never good enough, and my partner will never be happy with me." "I try so hard, but it seems like I can never get things right." "What's important to me doesn't matter to anyone else." "There are different ways we develop an attachment to the people we love." "A lot of this comes from the way we were raised." "I'm a failure......
"I'm too much." "I'm not lovable." "My partner doesn't care about me." "We never resolve things... everything always gets swept under the rug." "My partner always dismisses my feelings." "Why don't my needs matter?" These are the thoughts of someone who struggles with Anxious Attachment. People who struggle with Anxious Attachment are always looking for affirmation, validation, and reassurance from their partner. They want to know everything is ok, and that they are still worthy of love. Oftenti...
Are you feeling burned out in your marriage? Are you constantly stressed and overwhelmed? Are you exhausted all the time? Are you feeling lonely and depressed? Maybe you’re growing resentful of your partner. You might be secretly asking yourself, “Did I marry the right person?” Or wondering how long your marriage will last if nothing changes. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. Every day I talk to people who are on the verge of burnout. They’re desperate for a change. Most people on the v...
Do you have a hard time thinking of things to talk about on your date night other than coordinating logistics, and kids? Are there conversations you avoid, and conflicts that have gone unresolved for too long? Do you feel like you and your partner are drifting apart and turning into that boring couple you swore you’d never be? Well, it’s probably because you’re not having a weekly Marriage Meeting. A Marriage Meeting is like a Staff Meeting. It’s an opportunity to connect, talk about logistics, ...
I talk to couples every single day about their relationships. When I ask them what their biggest struggle is, 9/10 of ten they say, “Communication!” “We keep having the same fights over and over again.” “My partner just gets so defensive. We literally can’t talk about anything.” “We just don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt anymore.” Most people THINK the solution is to learn new communication skills. To follow scripts like, “When you do _______, I feel ______.” But most of the time, t...
Is your husband more interested in video games, work, or sports than you? Do you feel like he’s checked-out? Has he stopped caring about your marriage? Are you trying to think of ways to convince him to go to therapy? Do you wonder why he doesn’t seem to care about your happiness or your marriage? Do you ever feel rejected, hurt, sad, abandoned, afraid for the future of your marriage? If so, you’re not alone. But here’s the deal… nobody gets married with the hope of having an “OK” marriage. So, ...
What’s the most productive day you’ve had in recent memory? Do you remember it? You woke up, and just SLAYED your to-do list… You got into a rhythm, your energy was high, and everything was just clicking… I had a day like that a few weeks ago. Folded the laundry. Did the dishes. Mopped the floor. Took care of baby. Then I sat down to take a break. I opened my phone, and fell down an internet black hole watching clips of Taskmaster. (Be careful… you could get sucked into that black hole too!) And...
Most people’s marriages get worse over time. They argue more. They laugh less. They are more easily annoyed with each other. Their sex life suffers. And they gradually reach a point of status-quo. They know that their marriage isn’t great, but it’s comfortable and predictable enough that they refuse to upset things. And weirdly, there’s a law of thermodynamics that can explain why this pattern happens. It’s called The Law of Entropy. Essentially, the Law of Entropy states that everything in the ...
About once a week I get a message from someone asking what to do about porn... Here's how it usually plays out. (Not always... but usually.) Husband secretly watches porn. He's been doing it off-and-on for a while. Often times it's when he's feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed... He hates himself for it because it's against his values... He feels like he can't stop... And he's afraid that if his wife finds out, she'll divorce him and he'll lose everything. Then, his wife finds ou...
I’ve been listening to a 35-hour lecture series called “” by Dr. Jordan Peterson, an author and psychology professor. The lectures are an exploration of the psychological principles and ideas that give meaning to life. A few weeks ago I was driving home from the hardware store in a rain storm with a friend of mine. We were listening to the last few minutes of the final lecture when something Dr. Peterson said hit me with a ton of bricks I find myself thinking about that little section of his lec...
I have a confession to make… My marriage has slipped into Roommate Syndrome. I could blame it on a lot of things: My wife surprised me with an announcement last year that she was pregnant… which was AWESOME! But it also meant that the next few months were full of nausea, exhaustion, and weird food aversions, which made date night hard. Then COVID hit. My wife is an ICU nurse, so she’s been on the front lines, dealing with this pandemic mess. It’s been very stressful. And to keep everyone safe, w...
“My husband is just an extra child I have to take care of.” “I feel more like his maid than his lover.” “If I don’t take care of everything, nothing would ever get done around here.” These are the types of statements I hear from “Overfunctioners.” What’s an Overfunctioner? Ultimately, it’s one way you might manage your anxiety. We all do it from time to time. (But women tend to overfunction more often than men.) Here’s how it works… It all starts when you start to worry that something important ...
This week I listened to a podcast featuring a guy named Richie Norton as the guest. In his mid-20's he was invited by Stephen M. R. Covey (son of Stephen R. Covey… the 7 Habits guy) to help train business professionals to be better leaders. When he was offered the opportunity he freaked out. He felt too young and inexperienced for the gig. “You want me to go train these grey-hairs? What are they going to think?” Mr. Covey responded with some epic advice: "A lot of people say they have 20 years o...
I’m sick of seeing so many couples and friends be completely lied to by their therapists. So, I figured it’s finally time to lay out some seriously-needed education. Therapists are the people we trust with our deepest, darkest, most personal and oftentimes shameful secrets. They’re supposed to help us navigate the most turbulent and challenging times in our lives. We trust their counsel explicitly and without question because, well, they’re professional counselors. But there’s something the ther...
Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy designed to make the practitioner more resilient, happier, more virtuous, courageous, and wise. Some of history’s greatest leaders were Stoics: Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelst, and more recently, people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Brady, Bill Clinton, and prominent author Ryan Holiday. The foundation of Stoicism is built on 4 virtues: Courage - The ability to be brave Temperance - The ability to practice moderation...
Have you ever had “Soul Talk?” You know what I’m talking about… Soul Talk is when you have a deeply connecting connection with someone. None of the superficial small talk… No discussing the weather, or how to get billy to soccer practice. None of that, “How was your day?” “Fine… how was yours?” stuff… Soul Talk is when you learn about someone’s passions, fantasies, and secrets. The conversation takes you places you’ve never been before. You learn about yourself while you’re learning about the pe...
Changing human behavior is typically really hard. Don’t believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year’s resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later? Not many. Because it’s HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher. Here’s something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, tr...
The cost of your marriage license (depending on where you live) was probably around $40. The average cost of a wedding in the US last year was over $35,000. If you were to get divorced today, the cost would likely be around $15,000. Lots of people - including the government, dressmakers, photographers and lawyers - are out there trying to tell you what your marriage is worth… but have you ever stopped to think what the true value of your marriage is? I love this quote by Simon Sinek: “Value is n...
