SFX: Intro music fades out
WINIFRED: (at mic)
Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and…well, I’m running a bit late today! Had an unexpected call from the Higher Ups. So let’s go ahead and get started!
Oh, this is fun. Let’s start with the Department of Anomalous Sounds. They need your screams! As fun as it is to continue to wreak havoc with a good old Wilhelm Scream, our sound techs need more raw material for nightmares, subliminal threat messaging, and of course annoying ads on YouTube. So make sure you’re hydrating, because on Thursday they’re asking folks to sign up on the company intranet and come howl in a sound booth.
Of course, we’re not asking you to work for free. Anyone who completes a 15 minute time slot will get overtime, and the Top Ten Screamers will win a karaoke party at Wally’s — wings and beer included!
Now of course, some employees have an advantage. Sirens, banshees, and squonks are highly encouraged to participate, but don’t assume you’re out of the running just because you don’t have venom sacs by your vocal folds! The department needs all sorts of screams.
It’s a shame we never found that White Bluff Screamer in Tennessee. What a gift. Just a remarkable instrument, there.
Right. Anywho, and it pains me to do this because you know I don’t like repeating myself, but this is the gentle reminder that Mind Control Devices must be checked out via the usual forms every. Single. Time. Stop freelancing. Fiverr is not that kind of evil.
Now, the next reminder will not be gentle. But it might be terminal. Conduct yourselves accordingly.
In better news, congratulations are in order for IT! Thanks to their hard work and ironclad safety protocols, they were able to contain last week's sentient malware outbreak before it attained godhood! It’s been safely and painlessly relocated to a pocket dimension where it can be observed as it decays slowly into madness … bereft of all input … unable to move or see or feel … spiraling into helpless self-recrimination … profoundly alone in the way no consciousness should ever be …
Well. That sounds like a hellish fate! But you know company policy. Apotheoses must be cleared with all relevant team leads and approved at least 6 weeks in advance.
And speaking of beings of unfathomable power, word has come down from the Head Office: The soothsayers and predictive modelers are hard at work determining the next apocalypse target date! Y2K was a bust, and the Mayans really let us down in 2012, so it’s time for a new eschaton. Does anyone know the plural of apocalypse? Apocallipses? Apocalyi? Well, however you pronounce it, millions will die screaming. And isn’t that what’s really important?
One more note today, and I’ll let you get to it. That call from the Higher Ups… Well. Many of you weren’t with us or weren’t born yet the last time we dealt with the folks from Atlantis. They’re…well, they’re very particular in how they like things handled. And apparently, that annoying Good in the sarcophagus out here was something they wanted left alone.
Now obviously, this isn’t the fault of the team in Denver, and I’m sure we’ll work it all out. But for the next few weeks, please be on your best behavior when in any subaquatic lairs, bases, or safe houses. I’m serious. No mooning out the windows, either. We’re evil, not anal.
Well, that’s everything for now. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!