Trailer: Super Duper from Audicinal
SFX: Intro music fades out
WINIFRED: (at mic)
Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and I’m gonna jump right in with an important update.
Yanno our escaped homunculi? Over there in the volcano lair? They’ve apparently developed some sort of anarchic commune and are issuing a set of demands. Now you know me, I love a good bit of collective bargaining, but until they feel they’re being taken seriously, a sizable contingent has set up shop in the vending machines outside the breakroom in Sector 23.
So…ah…while strictly speaking the machines themselves aren’t carnivorous? It’s best to proceed as if they are. Those little fellas have some sharp teeth — and if you remember, they’ve already developed ranged weapons.
We’re putting together a team to negotiate how best to bring them aboard in a mutually beneficial fashion, so if anyone is interested in brushing up on their diplomacy skills, drop me an email at HR at Good Morning Evildoers Dot Com. I can’t guarantee your participation, but I can promise to look over your CV.
Right! With that out of the way, I wanted to let you all know that Coelacanth is out of the clinic now and running around like his old self. Just last night he hunted down and devoured a whole pronghorn at Barr Lake State Park north of Denver International Airport. He’s mama’s big boy! Yes he is! And again, thank you for all the well-wishes. Even from Victor Frankenstein. I have to admit that was a very nice arrangement and Coelacanth particularly enjoyed the bacon roses. That was…very thoughtful.
Well, that’s enough of that. Let’s get on to the good stuff, shall we? Now that the crystal ball and scrying network is back up, we can announce a new lunch and learn! I’m quite excited about this one, and will be tuning in remotely.
Director of Predictive Chaos Malifax the Gray will be presenting Ancient Scrolls & Modern Goals: Integrating Prophecy into Your 5-Year Plan. They were kind enough to send us over a quick write-up so you can decide if you want to free up your lunch hour and join us in Conference Room Omega in the pit under the atrium.
Tired of basic forecasting models that don’t come with ominous thunderclaps and cryptic riddles? This session teaches you how to blend eldritch foresight with corporate strategy to ensure your path is not only goal-oriented, but inevitable.
Whether you're interpreting goat entrails or just deciphering those Q3 spreadsheets from Carol in Accounts Receivable, you'll learn how to leverage prophecy to hit your benchmarks and terrify your competition.
Expect to cover the four signs of a strong strategic prophecy, turning vagueness into vision, prophetic petrics & KPIs (which are, of course, Known Portents of Inevitability), and when to update your prophetic projections.
Lunch will be provided by our friends at Donner Party Planning, so all you need to bring is your preferred divination tool and a notebook. They’re even doing a prophetic dessert for us: Fortune Cookies sealed in black wax made from the cursed candles of excommunicated soothsayers. Each cookie contains a personalized forewarning, so consume at your own risk (and please, do not feed the prophecies to the interns).
And speaking of Accounts Receivable, the whole Finance Department will be doing their annual overnight Escape Room Team Building Event! And you know what that means — we’ll soon be hiring for a few new positions. Now, we’re expecting fewer casualties than last year, but you never know, so dust off those resumes! Once we know the body count, we’ll post the vacancies on the company intranet. Just make sure you’re logged into the VPN or you won’t be able to access the forms.
Well, I think that’s just about it for today. The Higher Ups have asked me to stay out here in Colorado a little longer to tie up loose ends…and, well, see if we can locate any surviving mole people. And dontcha know I’ve found the best radio station out here? You can listen online if ya like. They’re called XTTY, and they’re just the most darling little conspiracy theorists and cryptid enthusiasts. I’m going to see if the Mothman and his moth-mite want to do a fly by of their studios. I think they’d be thrilled. I hope they’ll be thrilled. Well, if they descend into madness, we’ll have learned something together.
Well, that’s everything for now. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!