Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and — Oh! This is fun. — let’s start with this month’s birthdays!
Let’s see. Farnsworth Bainbridge in Facilities is 47, good stuff there. Adebeyo Lasisi is 39, ay ku-whoa a joy bee friend! MalKorEth the All-Devouring is 406, doesn’t look a day over 200. Oh! And Betty’s boy Roland is 21. Oh, isn’t that fun! They grow up so fast.
Now in days past, we’d sing Happy Birthday. But since that song has entered the public domain, well…it’s hardly an act of evil to sing it anymore. So with that in mind, I hope you’ll all join me in singing…
“Its a world of laughter, a world of tears…” BEEEEEEP
Well, Legal came down on that like a sack of hammers. I have been advised that apparently, and I quote, “We’re evil, but we’re not ‘IP attorney’ evil.” But I know for a fact that’s not true. We’re explicitly that evil. I mean, HR alone has a baker’s dozen lawyers that we keep in the dark and feed on raw meat and mescalin.
Do you remember the feral hog problem that was all over the news there in Texas? Yeah, real bad. Notice you haven’t heard about them lately.
Yeah. You’re welcome.
Well, in any case, if you want to celebrate Roland’s big 21st, he’s heading to Wally’s after work for a karaoke party, and everyone’s invited. Which leads me neatly into my next point.
Stop. Chanting. At Willy’s. That’s the closest place with both karaoke and decent wings, and if you keep performing passages from the Dark Tome of Shek-Lee-Ohtal the All-Devouring, he’s not gonna let us come back!
Two months ago one of you dinguses opened an extra-dimensional portal by the cigarette machine and we had to mind-wipe a three mile radius. Not to mention recarpeting the whole place because of the ectoplasm.
You know I love wholesale property destruction as much as the next gal, but come on, people. Don’t shit where you eat.
I have another little wrist slap to hand out today, too. I don’t yet know which intern re-triggered the Shark Witches program, but the female hammerheads have been gathering at the full moon off the coast of the Tuamotu Archipelago. Again. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll tell your manager and have them email me. If I have to come find you… Well. Let’s talk about something happier.
Speaking of which, we have a new partner organization! I know some of you have been very excited about this, especially down in the Politics & Ratfucking Department, so let me read you a quick statement from our new friends at Oregon Chemtrails.
“At Oregon Chemtrails, we know that all politics is local. That’s why we deliver local solutions. Our silent nighttime fly-overs spread our exclusive PliantPlus® chemical mist, and our follow-up subliminal advertising is geofenced to make your targets see things the right way — your way. Perfect for everything from HOA elections to important swing votes in particular districts. Think small to think big. Think Oregon Chemtrails.”
Oh, I do like the sound of that! That subliminal follow-up advertising is very clever. Why, you could put subliminal messages in anything! Like, say…a podcast!
But who would be so evil as to do something like that?
Annnnywho. One more big announcement this morning for all you industrious evildoers. It’s unethics board time!
As you know, we conduct a lot of experiments here at Global Synergy Amalgamated. And as with most corporate or academic institutions, those experiments require board review.
So all impacted departments, here’s a reminder. Log into the employee portal, choose “unethics board” from the menu on the left, and fill out the whole form. Yes. The entire thing.
I don’t want to hear any grumbling about it, either. Procurement and Supply doesn’t do this just to be evil. Okay, there’s a little bit of evil. You know how it is — evil’s not a job, it’s a calling. But mostly, it’s so they know what to order so you have everything you need to harvest those spleens, train those attack bees, or reinforce the tunnel under the Statue of Liberty to see if we can finally get that old gal walking and killing!
Listen. What we do here? It’s important. Without us, the Great Work will never be completed. We need to pull together to summon forth the shrieking darkness from beyond the stars. So let’s dot those eyes and cross those tees. Sloppy work makes for a sloppy apocalypse. And how embarrassing would that be?
Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!