Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and today we’re focusing on employee development!
Oh, one of my favorite topics, if I’m honest. I just love to see you all learn and challenge each other and evolve — sometimes quite literally! In fact, let me take a moment here to remind you:
It doesn’t matter if your fangs are asymmetrical, or your talons gouge out the elevator buttons, or your tentacles writhe through non-Euclidian geometries. It doesn’t even matter if you have no modifications at all. Everything about you is special.
And even if you didn’t choose to be here, even if these modifications were done without your conscious approval after we flooded your employee housing unit with sleeping gas and brought your soft, vulnerable body to the surgical suites, aren’t you pleased with your power? Admit it. The great crack of your leathery wings, the secret songs the moon sings that you can now hear, the gleam of your tapetum lucidum as your new sight reveals what once was darkness.
You are a beautiful, monstrous being, and the universe is yours to devour!
Uh. Hm. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes. Why don’t you all listen to a word from one of our partners while I compose myself.
(quiet, away from mic) I just love evil so much…
Oh, I do adore peaches. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Employee development! Since inquiries have fallen off since the last time I mentioned it, let’s talk about our tuition assistance program with Miskatonic University!
I know. I brag about my alma mater. And while I don’t miss the old college days, I do believe that Miskatonic is a truly exceptional institution of higher learning. And all employees — full-time or part-time, living or dead — have the opportunity to further their education at Miskatonic University with full tuition coverage provided by Global Synergy Amalgamated. This initiative underscores our commitment to your professional, personal, and mycelial growth.
Don’t think you have to get an MBA, either. Take ceramics classes or perfect your sourdough recipe. And of course the self-offense classes are some of the best in the biz. Remember the old saying, that which does not kill you should run.
We’re also announcing a repeat seminar. That’s right, back by popular demand, EVP of Bog Witches Dona is re-presenting Be Your Best Hag. This was extremely well attended last year, and I personally enjoyed the section on modern maenads — very instructive.
The first 10 employees to sign up for the webinar via the intranet will receive a complimentary vial of pond scum gathered from the Great Fen at the dark of the wolf moon. Fancy!
Two more things before I let you go today. First, if you have any friends or loved ones working on the new sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub basement under Denver International Airport, see if you can reach them. Text, email, psychic blast, whatever. I’m starting to get a bit concerned about their lack of communication, what with all the disappearances. I’m sure that team knows better than to hunt coworkers for sport. We’re evil, not tacky.
Second, don’t forget the contest to suggest the best possible side effect for the new crop of meds coming from pharmaceutical R&D. The winner gets…oh. Oh my. The winner gets drugs. So many, many drugs.
I know these products are an important part of our work, and progress marches on, but I miss the days when you could just dose a vicar with laudenum and be done with it.
Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!