Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and today’s a doozy.
We’re going to do a deep dive into everyone’s favorite subject: Policies & Procedures! I know. Try not to get too excited.
Oh, I’m just joshin’ ya. I know it’s a bore. But! It’s important that we’re all on the same page. How else are we going to spread blight upon the land, strangle the stars as infants in the crib, and curse mankind, yea, down unto the final generation? Ya can’t rewrite reality if no one knows what’s going on!
So with that in mind, let’s start with the biggie.
Yes, the rumors are true. Yes, the new moonbase is complete. And yes, we will be accepting applications for transfers to that new lair! We’ll need a full component of staff, so there’s lots of opportunities for advancement.
Another thing to keep in mind with the moonbase — you can lose one to two percent of your bone density each month you spend in low or zero gravity. So after about seven months, you need to make a decision. Either come back to Earth, stay on space assignment, or get yourself fitted with some augmentations. Biomedical R&D has some promising exoskeletons in development, but there are other options as well. Nanobot calcium replacement, for example. And I’m told the Necromantic Department is working on full soul transfers to new bodies, which will be fully covered by your employee insurance plan. We’re evil, not cheap.
Let’s take a moment here to listen to a message from one of our partner organizations, and then we’ll get back to more policy goodness.
Okay, let’s see what’s next here…oh! Vacation policy! Now, there’s been some grumbling about this, and I don’t want to hear any more of that.
Yes, you only get one vacation day a year. But you also have access to a time machine! You can literally take a decade off and arrive back at HQ ten minutes after you left! C’mon, people. Lateral thinking. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.
Admittedly, some of you didn’t interview to work here so much as you just woke up in employee housing, but you all read the employee handbook and signed it in blood. Let’s pay attention, okay?
Final policy for today: Transfers to the Denver branch.
Listen. I don’t mean to be unkind here, but I just don’t understand why so many of you mention the cannabis laws in Colorado for the reason you want to transfer. We’re literally villains. Breaking the law is what we do. Not only do we not drug test, there are pre rolls in some of the vending machines.
But I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. We lost a few diggers down in the new sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub basement, so there’s multiple spots, especially if you remove your competition.
Remember our Promotion Motto: Everything’s legal if you don’t get caught.
As a personal ask, please keep the outright manslaughter to a minimum this quarter so we can meet our headcount needs out there in Denver. Try non-lethal methods first, mm? You can always accelerate later!
Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!