You Think You Know Me feat. Jordin Sparks

Jordan the woman, Jordan the mom, Jordan the wife, the sexual and sensual being, and like even saying Jordan sparks and sexual being, people might.

Be like, oh, oh no, guess what she has a kid? She had sex? Oh my god? Did she Maybe not right?

Maybe not, maybe she didn't marry me right, No way she did.

I can't even see it.

M h.

Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Nila and it's Wednesday. I'm not going to sing this time. Hey, oh you're gonna miss it. Hey, ladies, Happy hump Day, Happy hump Day.

How's it going. How you doing? How's your week?

My week is going well. I'm wearing a bright color because I woke up this morning feeling not right, and I was like, maybe if I put something bright on, i'll feel better. And then I did and I feel better. Oh wow, I never never thought about that. So here's a tip. Actually, fuck, I don't have my pink lipstick on. That was gonna be like the extra added oomph.

Well, but we must have been on the same page because I'm also wearing florals.

I have my pink lipstick in the bag. Man, I really want someone to go get it for me.

It's a new moon. We're springing out. We're springing out to our new our new form. That's what the that's what the astrology said.

Oh okay, I got it. Anyway, I'm doing pretty good. I uh, I think I'm breaking out in hives. Lovely, but everything's fine. I mean it's going well. Should be introduce our guests so YouTube doesn't get pissed off.

Yeah, let's introduce her today.

We have a very very special guest without further ado. We have singer Mama.

Wife, platinum selling musical artists, actress American I'll number six winner, right, Yeah, well you're getting specific.

Yes, Jordan's smile.

And I was like, they're gonna wonder who this third laugh is coming out of nowhere.

Well, people are get on this because we'll like we always like kind of talk for a second and then they're like, you're so rude. Your guest is just sitting there. And I usually brief our guest first, I didn't, I forgot, I didn't tell you that. But sometimes I feel pressure to just get into it because they cursed me out on YouTube, and then I curse them back out.

So can you stop cursing.

People's fine, Just so you know, I was thoroughly enjoying their little moment.

So I'm okay.

Are you okay, Jordan Jordan's sparks?

Okay, Welcome to the what are we gonna call it?

Like, welcome to the Good Good Media Studio, Like we welcome to Good Mom's, the Good Mansion, the Good Mama Den, the Good mom Is Good Cave.

The Babe Cave.

Oh god, sounds very Caucasian.

Okay, well it's very Caucasian.

I don't. I don't know.

We're gonna reconvene with the location.

Well, we'll think about it.

Welcome to the Good Moms. Thank you, bad choice.

I'm happy to be here.

I think this was a good choice for me today.

So that's good.

I'm glad.

Were you did you before you came? Did you have any did you do any research?

Did you like?

Oh?

No, like, I know I didn't.

Actually I do know Erica just through uh how many years has it been?

I don't even know.

But I met your mom first on the set of Sparkle all those years ago.

I didn't know you knew her. I don't you don't know.

My mom My mom did make up on Sparkle. But then I think she quit in the middle of it.

Yeah, I was very sad.

Yeah, like there was a controversy and my mom was like, fuck that ship and was like I'm out yep.

Growing up, the original Sparkle was like, by far, my favorite movie. I don't know why my parents were letting me watch Sparkle at a young age, but literally I just remembered today when she said that. I was like, I fucking watched Sparkle the original four thousand times, so when the new one came. When the new one came, I was like, I can't wait for this ship. But then I just realized, like, why the fuck was a seven year old watching Sparkle.

No, there's a lot of adults, but hey, the dresses are pretty and the music is.

Good, so I get it.

I have a lot of supervision growing up, guys. I turned out fine.

But yeah, so, I mean we've we've crossed paths a lot, but I mean that was the she showed me a beauty blender for the first time on Sparkle and I was like, what is this.

She goes, this is my mention.

She's like, look at my daughter, And that was my first introduction of you was your beautiful picture, and then we've kind of just crossed paths since then.

So I'm glad to actually be able to like sit and chill and.

Haven't yeh wait. Fun fact, guys, I auditioned for Sparkle.

You did?

I did. I auditioned for Sparkle because in my former life, well I still, I guess I'm still an actress, but I'm on hiatus for a long time.

Your former life.

But I did a lot of acting when I was a kid, and so I remember auditioning for Sparkle, and I remember being like, I remember watching Sparkle and I was like, now, y'all know, goddamn well, I cannot sing like this. Why are you gonna embarrass me? I vividly remember the audition, and I was like, I remember practicing in my room, like really trying to hit notes that I have no business trying to hit. Man. So when I heard the Jordan Sparks got the role, I was like, that makes more sad.

We're here traumatized from your attempt.

No, but because you know, when you audition, like, you audition for a lot of shit. I love audition for so much shit that I'm like girl, first of all, like I don't even look like these parents, Like they will really try to match you up with some people, and I'm like, this is a waste of my time. Stop wasting people.

I hate bad casting.

They waste people's time. It's so annoying. That's one of the reasons I like not really disillusioned with acting too. I was like, because I was starting to tell my ages like I'm not going. They're like, you're not in the position to say no auditions. I'm like, I'm not going because I'm not going to drive to a place and do some shit that I'm never going to get the call back.

For, right, right, that's yes, that's a waste of time. And also they work for you, so true, but it's a mind fuck. But it's a mind fuck. They will really confuse you. Yes, no, I get it. I was there, like I was.

I was like, I was scared to do anything, color my hair, cut my hair, Like, do.

Like change anything on the head headshot?

Right, you have to look like this all year unless you're taking new headshots for two thousand.

Dollars at the time.

But you haven't got enough work, so you can't afford them. Keep that fucking haircut it.

But yeah, so it was crazy times, and I'm like, I'm just I'm excited to be in the space that i'm at now, like, because you're right, that was like a lifetime ago. I was like twelve years ago. I'm not even the same person, you know what I mean.

That's crazy how we evolved. So like once like those cycles go quickly. But tell us your journey. I know you've like you've done so many things.

But girl, I went on your wiki. I said, this is the longest wiki this bitch has had a career. I was like every phase. I was like, this is a book right here.

No, literally, American IDAM would be a like a box set in and of it.

But I feel like you had even before America IDOL. I was like reading up on you too, because you've been like you you left school to homeschool to focus on your singing career before that, So this is something you've been working towards for a very long time.

So I let's start with when I was born. No, so my very birthday, I'm December twenty second.

Oh nice, you're a cussby.

I'm on the cusp. I'm a Capricorn with fiery tendency. I got my feet on the ground, but don't test me. But I uh, nobody in my family sings like me. It's definitely a gift, and nobody taught me how to sing. I've never taken voice lessons or anything like that. It's just strictly a gift. And I knew around four that I like you always getting attention from it, but I

Crying and she's singing, there's pyrotexts.

I was like, I want to do that. Yes, I want to do that. Whatever she's doing, how she's touching people with her music, that's what I want to do. And obviously didn't know that American IDAM would be around as long as it was and still is. But yeah, so I sang all around town, I sang in church. I did local competitions that turned into like more national competitions, Gospel Music Association, I did music in the Rockies, I did all of these different things. I auditioned for Star Search.

Our way up.

And then I auditioned for Idol and I won at seventeen, and then I've just been working ever since. So it's it's been pretty it's been pretty crazy, to be honest. Twenty twenty was the first time I really had a home life as an adult, so I like was like, I love.

This, I can stay home, Like what this is. I've been preparing for this my whole life, you know.

So but that was all so so when I fell back in love with music again, because you know, you know how the industry can disillusion you, and there's just so many things, and I was like, Okay, I gotta take a step back because this isn't serving me anymore. And I really fell back in love with music then and now I'm really really happy with the music and stuff that I'm creating now.

I can't wait to put this project out, It's gonna be so good.

I know that people are excited. Do you think that starting a career so young, like, how has that I guess affected how you've shown up as an adult because I feel like when you are under the microscope so young people are watching your every move, you almost feel like you can't fuck up, Like you feel like you

I think I think it's a little bit of both. Because I've I've never been like give me a book.

I like, just give me a book and I'll stay home. You know, that's usually where my happy place is.

So I've never been one to be out and doing crazy things. I like to take risks, but calculated risk capricorn. Yeah, I like to take calculated risks. So there I have my moments where I let loose sets every once in a blue moon, but like part of it is just naturally.

Who I am.

The other part is, yes, not only from American Idol and being under that microscope, but my dad played football professionally for the New York Giants before I, before I did idle, So our family was kind of in the spotlight a little bit. So even though it wasn't directly on me, I was kind of on the outskirts of that spotlight.

And so also seeing your dad and how you had to kind of also to see how he interacted with people, certain things that he had to do, how he interacted with fan and so I learned a lot from him, and he's he's awesome. My dad has the personality you can fall in love with him in five minutes, like he will make you feel like you've been best friends for so long, and it's really special in that way. But I think it's taken me since I met my husband, and that was we're going on six years since I

Was and didn't make me feel bad for it.

You know how sometimes you're just like you do something goofy and they like look at you, and you're just like, okay, mental note to.

Do just that.

You know, I've never had I've never had that moment in terms of like my personality. Obviously, it's like okay, if we are having an argument or there's you know something, and.

It's like, oh, okay, got it, let's not go that way.

But yeah, he was the first person to really see me, and I really appreciated that because a lot of people have seen me, you know what I mean, a lot of.

People see me, but he knows me.

And it's been the last couple of years actually, since twenty twenty falling in love with music again. Really, I had so much stuff that was waiting to come out, so many stories, so many experiences. I have one hundred and seventy something songs that I'm just are my vault, like just waiting to come out, you know. So being able to do that really helped me get more in touch with myself and who I am now, Like who is who am I now? After becoming a mom, after

They're just gonna kind of keeping me stuck. So I've been doing a lot of.

Work, a lot of shadow work, a lot of like well why do I feel this way towards this and really trying to get underneath all that stuff so I can just be free, because I want to be open and honest with my music, and fans can tell when you're not. So I'm really trying to be in this authentic space, more sensual with myself, more loving to myself, more giving to myself, and in turn that I'm able to do that for everyone else.

But girls, sometimes it's entire.

Yeah, struggled well on top of being a mom and trying to like, yeah, tap into yourself and yeah, prioritize those things can feel impossible on top of and top of like the microscope, people waiting for you to fuck up or like just not even necessarily waiting for you to fuck up, but just watch watching it.

Yeah, Like yeah, and did you grow up in the church? Like or you is your family religious and you came from Like.

Yeah, I grew up in a non denominational household, but church was really something that we definitely stuck with.

When I was younger, I went to like what's it called a wana?

I think, like, ohirosk something like like I where all the kids go in the middle of the week, like on Wednesdays and then the youth group. Yeah, I kind of, uh, but I I grew up doing that. I sang a lot in church, a part of the high school worship team before Idle happened. And then I wasn't allowed to join the choir, the big choir because only adults could join, but I was allowed to see the.

Solos and with the choir, so that was nice.

So I was able to do that, But that definitely played a big part in my identity when I was younger.

My faith still is a big part of me, but I.

Feel like now at this juncture in my life, I'm more of a.

I really like knowledge.

I love to learn, and so I'm really in this space of just reading as much as I can, researching as much as I can about everything, Like, I want to know, why does somebody believe this over here? Why does somebody believe that? Why as the person that I was raised to be, or as a Christian, why are we not supposed to be okay with that? You know, I'm just like questioning, and I think that's something that I really want to pass down to DJ because growing up it was you don't question that.

I don't question.

I was gonna say, like what what was the like, what was the factor that you were like shift from this is my belief system to hey, let me explore all these things to actually like figure out what it is that I actually believe.

Honestly, I think a lot of it had to do with just being propelled into the industry. It's completely different from you know, a Christian household.

Definitely a question make you a question.

Everything, Yeah, it makes it makes you question.

And a lot of the people that I was around, my bandmates and you know, some of the cool artists and friends that I was able to meet, you know, are completely walk different walks of life from myself. And I think a lot of it too. There's somebody who's very special. He was my pianist and he.

Would help like do choreography and he's just so sweet. His name is Scotty. He now lives in Costa Rica. Good for him.

I will be the.

Year's but he but.

He grew up and obviously it's not my story to tell, but he did grow up as a Jehovah's witness.

But he is gay and he had to grow up with that.

And you know, his family like completely cutting him off and I just didn't. I didn't understand, you know, because I'm like, why, you're amazing, Like why would somebody do that?

And then in terms of like you know, loving people, you know, you love who you.

Love, and I just we would have conversations and I would get emotional because I'm like, I don't understand, I don't understand why this is so hard for people to grasp. Like look even now, I'm just like, I don't I don't get it. And I'm sorry. I'm coming off of my that time of the month, so everything is like huluah. But I'm also very a very empathetic person, and I just that doesn't make sense to me.

We cry here, girl, Yeah, it just it doesn't.

It doesn't make sense. And I know I'm in a safe space.

But that I think was the first I don't remember what year that was or what time, but it was eighteen to nineteen where I just was like, okay, and I've always been a little bit different than my family.

My grandpa one time, I'll never forget.

You know, those little tests they used to have where okay, you're you fall on this side of the scale or this side of the scale, and it was a Democrat or Republican, And I was right in the middle, and my.

Grandpa looked at me like what And that's it. I'm just answering the questions the way I think.

So I've I've always been a little bit not necessarily a black sheep, but I've always thought differently, and I feel like I've had a more open mind. Not saying that my family is crazy or bigoting, because they're not. They're the most loving people. But I think you know, when you're raised one way and you learned it all the time, most people stay there because they need that because it's the it's the structure that they've that they've learned. And I don't want to say fed, but basically.

We're programmed anyways.

You know, it's familiar, it's comfortable, it's what you're a doctrine too.

Yeah, we talked about that in our book.

It's just like we're coming to the world as like like canvases exactly. And I liked this is not a great example, but I always say, like, like pets were domesticated, like sit, stay, you know what I mean. So like even as moms, we we kind of we do we domesticate our kids.

Hey, don't grab that. Hey, don't stare, Hey don't.

We don't believe this, don't don't believe that?

Yeah, like no, no, no, no, we don't say that, you know.

And it's just we have this like incredible responsibility to gift our kids with either you know, just continuing that cycle and saying this is what we believe and that's that, or giving them the gift of curiosity and exploration.

And like what do you believe?

You know?

I think, what do you think?

You always ask you what? I don't know? Like, okay, well that's a good answer to.

Right, It's okay, I don't know either, yeah, you know, And I think I think more moms need to hear that, you know that you you can't believe whatever you want to believe, but you don't have to necessarily, like your child doesn't have to be born into your beliefs for them to, you know, because everybody we're literally spirits, souls that come through and we're just in a vessel.

Literally.

We also think it's the don't I think a lot of times, because how we are, how we're raised, we know certain things don't add up to us, but we still resist it. You know, we still go against it, and we follow suit. And it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to question. You don't have to abandon all the parts of your religion because you don't agree with this whatever this this chapter or this verse or whatever

I believe in love.

I believe in love I do. I believe in kindness. I believe that there is something much bigger than us here that that controls what's happening. But I think that it's so funny. The other day, my housekeeper, I'm gonna shore the story my housekeeper. She is. I don't really know her that well, ignough she's in my home. She I knew she was like pretty religious based on a mom. The mom's referraled like she was referred to me from

Yes, right, and and she was like yeah no.

You know, I used to be a really big center Erica. And then actually I asked Talie. I was like, was Betty a big sinner?

Yeah?

She was like she was like a thug back in the day. And I was like what I was like, was Betty doing anyway? She was like she was not living a good life. That's what she said.

I have questions.

So you know, I was like, well, Betty, like that's my brother and like this is his life and like he should live it and you made him feel really uncomfortable. And she was like, well, that's just my belief system. And I was like, well, I need you to leave your belief system at the door. And she was like, well, I don't think I should work for you because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. And then I was kind of like almost started to backpedal.

Like well, I really need just come over.

But then I was like, okay, consciously this I can't have this, This can't this can't be. But she was, you know, it was fine. We were we we ended just fine or whatever, but you know, she was.

She's civil conversations. It's easy to talk through things, like, it's so simple.

We can all do it.

It did, it did. But I was just like, damn, like and I said to her, I was like, it's like, your God doesn't believe that everyone should experience love, Like what does your God believe?

And she's like that kind of getting to the bottom.

I really did, because I was really hoping we can come to a common ground because I need this. Damn it.

He only likes men. I think he's tried, genuinely, I do.

He really did with me, you know, so no, this is not my real brother. Guys. Sorry, let me let me let me rewind. That sounds weird.

That sounds weird.

Please clarify you're not blood brother. But anyway, I don't know where that care. I think I was going off of just like people's belief systems and just there's understanding of these putting into box like what love is supposed to look like and how love is supposed to show up and how it relates to your life, and you know, you can love people and like I love Betty, I

One of of all the things, like there are so many other things we could be getting mad about, like but who someone loves just doesn't anyway. Yeah, So I agree with you, and I think it's amazing that you were able to do both things in love. You were able to protect your brother in love and you were able to speak to Betty in a way that didn't make her feel like you were like, well, if you and everything you believe in.

And you know what Betty called the other day did because she did because I paid her and I must have overpaid her. And then she said, you overpaid me if.

She wasn't a Christian, would I know?

I said, you know, look at God, God it's still in motion.

Not protect me even though I'm not a Christian.

Don't give that money to me. You know what I also did tell Betty? I said, Betty, just so you know, you know, all the people that I put you onto, like who you're working for, they're gay as fuck? Did I said?

Everybody?

Was like I just hope you know, like everyone's gay.

Good luck sanctifying every.

Yeah, well, I mean now she can make her own decision.

Betty had guys to see all the vibrators, and where should I have in that drawer? I don't know how she thought she was working for who she thought she was working for? Over here?

She didn't talk to you. She was hoping that she could just keep keeping her lane.

She's got a drawer too, right, Okay, Jesus didn't say nothing about vibrating.

Look, Betty might have a whole gun and she might have weapons, okay, because she was living the thug life.

Okay, something I could kind of see that, right, She was like her, like, she's kind of like stone cold. I can kind of see her. She was wearing those long skirts. I could see her being like a little I've.

Gotten scared of her, I mean, and that.

Would come to your house.

I like, Hi, I'm like, okay, well never mind, Betty, I'm not I guess we're.

Not gonna be cool.

Oh my god.

Anyway, that's my thing with religion. It's just so black or white.

I was I was seeing a clip for somebody's show and they were like so. The guy was like, you know, I'm a god fearing man, I'm a query And she was like, no, which one is it.

I was like, well, you can't can't be both like it.

It's just so like this is this, and this is that you can't be gay and you can't eat shrimp.

I don't know I say that up, but you know what I mean. It's just like.

Human box.

Yes, humans are so multifaceted.

It's just like impossible for us all to live in these like sectors and like and then there's like the the need to protect it and if you get outside of this then you're wrong.

Yeah, and like that it creates.

So much violence, you know, like just trying to defend this thing, this thing because for no fucking reason, because.

I don't really care who you have.

I don't care who you love. You know, in reality, it doesn't stop my show.

But like the belief that I can't work for you or I can't coexist with you if you do X, Y and Z, it just seems so like it seems unfair.

It's unfair, and it's also it's also you do yourself a disservice by not getting to know different people other than yourself and other people from other walks of life, because I feel like I meet such cool people all the time.

Like it's so amazing.

I was able to go to this event that I probably would have never been to had I not met It was like a snowball effect, like I met this one person they invited me.

I ended up going.

It was the next night, and I was like, it was like a treasure trove of people. Normally, when I go into an event, I know what everybody does. I'm like, Okay, you seeing you podcasts, you produce, you are a songwriter, Like I'm usually like within the scope of okay, you're all in entertainment. This particular room, I had no idea what anybody did. I just knew that there was a lot of money in the room, but I didn't know

You know?

So for me, it was just so cool and I felt so enriched.

Like I left, and normally I feel drained leaving from events and things like that, but this time, I was just very excited to be able to just meet new people from different walks of life. And I just I know that's not religious, but it's just an example of you never know, but I.

Feel like it is right.

I feel like like the divinity lives and being open because like if you are able to flow freely, that's you kind of being able to flow with God, you know. Like, but if there's so many rules about like what God looks like or how people show up in this like space, you're kind of Oh, you make judgments and you put up walls like, oh you do are you now?

I'm cool? Oh? You do you know what I mean?

You do?

Taro? Oh I'm cool?

But like I think God's the true essence of God is the slow and like I think people don't pay enough attention to that.

Like you go around.

People and you feel trained, or like I just want to sit a whole fucking four hours talking about nothing. Yeah, or like you come around strangers and you're laughing and you're getting enlightened you and you leave feeling energized, and like that's your intuition telling you to continue here, you know, and just like you said, like you go to this part, you meet this one person, then you say, fuck it, I'm gonna go to go hang out with this random person the next day.

Like I went out two nights in a row. I couldn't believe I was anger.

Who am I?

Right?

But we're so conditioned to go against that. Like even me and Erica became friends because like God was like, hey, go to the bar and meet this bitch. But that that is not necessarily how generally, like we had to be open enough to kind of just like follow that divine calling which is our intuition. But like I think religion sometimes conflicts with that divine calling, which is your intuition to be like.

You know, I'm gonna go with these strangers.

Yeah, you know, they seem interesting, you know, and like people kind of limit themselves and like the experiences and the people that they could have just from being like open to following your gut instinct, which is really your direct it's never.

Wrong, the direct source to God.

Yeah, like that's our source.

Yeah.

I think actually, now that we're talking about this, it does go back and apply to when I was younger because I had I had a purity ring and that was all anybody wanted to talk about after I was on idol because somebody asked me about it and I just saw, it's my peery ring and it just it just took off.

But you had a peer dring before you were on I parody ring?

Is you?

Because I don't. It's just like your virgin Is that like you saying I'm a virgin or I'm.

I'm wait, Well, I'm making the commitment to wait until marriage.

Got it?

That was that was what it was what I took it at.

And you do it with like a group of other girls too, right, it.

Was around the same time. I didn't do it with them. It was just between me and my parents.

Was that a conversation that you brought up or something that they I'm just I'm always curious, like, is it I don't remember, you know, I was not. Yeah, I was wondering if it was like something your parents were like, hey, this is an option you should do, or you're like.

It kind of went it coincided with she's about.

To be famous. No, I don't know to Hollywood.

I was. I was thirteen when we had that conversation, and I was going to a private Christian school as well, and so it kind of coincided with our health talk like how you're going to become a woman and that whole like you're going to get your period soon and all.

So your parents did have the talks or is it just one time. I'm curious, like, because you know, it's always so different with parents, especially now, like some parents don't have to talk at all. Some parents have one talk and they're like, Okay, we did it, We're done you.

I mean, we were never sheltered at least in my home. Like the school, all the kids had different experiences. But I mean I knew what sex was, I knew all that stuff like that. It wasn't it wasn't like that. It was more like, hey, we got you this ring and you know to wait until you're married. And at the time, growing up in the school, it made sense and everybody was doing Yeah, it made sense to me, and I was okay. And I also wasn't the type of person who was very curious.

In that way anyway. I think I was.

Curious about what it felt like, but I wasn't curious enough to do it, if that makes sense.

I was like, I'm too scared. And also I was focused on music. I was not thinking about anything like that got this nice. I was like, I'm good, I'm great.

But going back to what I was saying on the part of how it kind of like seeped into my identity because everybody that was all they wanted to talk about, and then like once I was in a relationship, that was all they wanted to talk about, and yeah, or like this person took her virginity. I'm like, y'all don't know that, first of all. Second, I'm not gonna tell

I had the box like, no, you're.

Here no secular music.

Yeah, well not even that because I didn't do gospel music.

Or anything like that's non gospel secular.

Yeah.

I just mean like like I couldn't go out like R and B. Like my third album was way more R and B, way more sensual. I was twenty five. I was like really coming in to my womanhood, and I think it was one of my best albums, to be honest. But from the outside looking in, people.

Were like, what is this?

This makes sense?

And I'm like, but it does make sense, Like this is not You're like, how do you know who I am?

I'm a woman exactly.

And so now I feel like at this point in my life, I'm just at the point where I'm just like why I'm unapologetic with it, if that makes sense, Like you're gonna.

Get what you get.

I've always I've always one hundred percent by myself. I've never tried to hide like my goofiness or anything like that. Romantically and romantic relationships is a little bit different. Because the mental space is different there. But in terms of like who I am with people, I am this is what you get. I'm just gonna chill with you and we're gonna sit and have a good time, and you know,

Yeah, people like people don't recognize when you're a public figure in ways and you're talking to people and you're out and you're traveling, it's it wears on your energy levels.

It's so funny. This is like I was.

I was in New York and I was having a conversation. We're like playing a game and I don't even know why this came up, but like Holly not very Holly. The singer made Allie Clo Chloe Club, which one's not arial Halle Bailey Chloe Chloe Bailey. Yeah, and it was with another woman and she got first while I was in New York. She got super aggressive and I was like whoa And.

She's like, yeah, she's trying to be a sex symbol.

She's patting her pussy on stage and like she just just needs to figure out like her music, like her fans aren't fucking with it.

And I was like, okay, wow, that's a lot. I was like, okay, first of all, okay, Like I was just like your.

Feelings, I don't know what a Cloe not you. I'm like, what did Chloe do to her?

Girl?

Me and this girl were like cool, and then she started talking. I was like, do you hate me? And I was like, I just want to clarify, like I haven't heard the album, but I was like, as a woman, I recognize that like being a public figure and being like twenty to twenty five, there's.

A huge transformation that happens.

And I was like, and we may not know what the fuck she's going through except for the fact that I'm a woman and between twenty and twenty five, bitch was doing some things. Ye bitch was exploring, scratching the surface. I just peeled the bitch back. But I was just like, how can, like how come we just don't give her space to do that? Like why are we even having this conversation? And she's like, well, if you're an artist and you show up and like if your fans are

I was like, but we don't know that, Like we don't know who she's trying to be. She might be just trying to figure it out.

She might be trying to be herself on Monday, you know, like just like it was so interesting and she got really like passionate about this conversation, and I was like, basically it was just like I'm not being realistic me because like the fans like are being real with her about what they want and what she's giving them.

What does she work for the fans?

Yes, that's what they're saying.

Basically, And I was like definitely topsy turvy now with like a social media and everything like that, but I was just a little backwards.

But I was like, but she's the artist, and like that's the thing about art, like you don't define.

It, it evolves, you know.

And I was just like, damn, Like even as black women, this is another black woman. We were having this conversation like with and I was just like, you're you a black woman. You're not even giving her this space to openly explore this same thing that maybe you know you actually experienced too, you know, and like because she's an artist, or because she's like you know what I mean, because you don't like it, or because this person said it's not what she's supposed to be doing or she does to you.

It doesn't look comfortable, Like she might be very comfortable pop in that poot. She look comfortable to me, you know what I'm saying.

But it was just like I can't imagine even for you, you know, And like this is right now, we're having this conversation, and there's like thinking of like the things that people were able to get away with asking you about your virginity when you're twenty years old, like yes, and younger and younger is like why, like why would it be okay for this grown ass person to be asking a child about her virginity publicly?

And nobody said shit? And it's like, you know, there's a.

Weird fascination with that. It happened with Britney Spears.

I happen to have a lot of artists, and like, now that I'm older, in my thirties, I look back on a lot of the things that happened.

Or were allowed in the media or whatever, and I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah, Like, as a mother, can you imagine someone interviewing your daughter asking her about that?

And I'd be like, bitch, if you don't get like, who are you talking?

Shit?

You can take you can step, please go over here. Like it's just been It's been interesting to go back, because when you start healing yourself, you have to really go back to a lot of.

Things that you.

I'm really good at compartmentalizing. I'm really, really, really good at it. And I think because of the industry that I'm in and what I have to do and how things were then, I think I really just had to be able to do that and learn that skill I'm working on not being as good at it because something had happened and I can just.

Be like, all right, put it away, got to keep going moving.

Yeah, because okay, the show must go on, essentially like go And so in this process of the last few years and having kids also makes you really look too if you're aware enough to do the looking. If not, you just continue to do what you're doing. But having my son has really shaken me to my core, like, oh, like, why am I triggered by this? Because he's not doing

But really a lot of those things, you.

Know, because your body remembers, the body keeps score it remembers, and it's just like, Okay, I'll deal with that.

I'm not ready to deal with this one. That one can stay for a second, but let's let's open this.

Box to this one.

This one looks manageable, this one looks like I can work through it. So I'm I'm really going through a lot of those things, you know, when I was doing Idle while my Proverbial Star was rising, I had four people die while I was on the show, my best friend. My best friend passed away the week I went there for Hollywood Week, and it was just like a lot of people don't know that side. But that's because you're allowed to talk about it. Yeah, well it's not even

I don't know where to start.

Really, there's just a lot of things that have that have happened and have gone on, and I've learned so many things and I'm grateful.

I wouldn't redo my twenties for anything, and you couldn't pay me. You couldn't pay me. I don't want to go back.

As soon as I turned thirty, I was like yes, And not only because it wasn't that I instantly felt comfortable or better in this space, but I felt like for me personally that thirty people finally would start listening to me as an adult. I'm stuck in a lot of people's minds still as a seventeen eighteen year old girl, and so for a lot of for me to do something some people, it's almost shock value when I do

It's just good.

It doesn't have a thing. I couldn't really put it in a genre.

It's just good music.

And that's all I want to do, is I want to make good music, sing my face off and make people feel, you know, feel like we're really distracted by a lot of stuff.

Right now.

Everything is just distracting. There's nothing that is going Hey, you should probably just feel this right now in this moment. And so that's what I want to do when I'm on stage. You know, when I'm on stage, everything was like this, everything makes sense. I know that I'm in my purpose of my calling when I'm on stage with a microphone in my hand, looking directly at that person standing there and.

Singing to them, like I just it's where I need to be.

Well, I'm excited to hear the music. And it's true, like people will try to hold you hostage to a time in your life and you are not Jordan Spark's seventeen year old Jordan Sparks. You are Jordan the woman, Jordan the mom, Jordan the wife, the sexual and sensual being. And like even saying Jordan Sparks and sexual being, people might be like.

Oh oh no, guess what, she has a kid. She had sex? Oh my god did maybe not right? Maybe not? Maybe she didn't marry me right, No way she did.

I can't even see it. No, you know, but like people do that, you know, and you know, I can only imagine what, you know, what kind of I guess what kind of unpacking you've had to do to kind of like say, you know what, this is the fuck I am, this is it? This is it. I'm sure the journey is still going.

Oh, it's definitely.

The release of music is probably. I mean, I know for us, like talking has been our our I guess, our medicine in standing in our truth, even the book even as a push further towards that truth and yours is through through through music.

Yeah, that's my that's my Catharsis, Like, I just I can get it out through music because I could.

I could.

I want to do stuff like this as well, which is why I wanted to come do the podcast, because I'm like, I want people to be able to hear from me, just in a different way, on a different platform, in a safe space for women by women. I always want to be able to be a part of stuff like that. So I'm grateful, thank you guys for having me on.

So I'm doing more.

I'm trying to do more of that, more of the speaking part, because for a long time, the speaking part, not that it made me nervous, but it was always just it just became, it just became something so much bigger than it needed to be.

Well, you're afraid to talk, yeah, say one thing, Yeah, like totally misconstrue what I'm saying.

But if you don't, then people will rete.

We'll write your story for you anyway, exactly, you know, which is why the music I've I've I've always written music. I've written poetry since I was a young, young kid. It wasn't ntil I was a little bit older that I realized that music is just poetry.

With instrumentation behind it.

Yeah, so I've I've always been writing, but now I've been writing so much, And so every song you're going to hear on this new album is directly from a thought that I had or inspired by, or directly related to. And then now I'm gonna be able to share that. So it's definitely a story. It's just a little chapters, you know, but.

It's so good.

It's so good.

When it comes out, I'm coming back and we'll just play Yes, yeah, no.

I can do it this year.

Yes.

It's so crazy because before you came, I was telling problem like Jordan Sparks is coming.

He's like oh. He was like, that's my girl. Yeah.

He was at the studio with us, like her and her husband are so cool. He's like, she needs she's a release those that music. Though she's she's playing, she's not releasing that music. I was like, oh, she has some music she's playing with.

He was like yeah. I was like why.

He's like, asker, I'm not trying to play. I want to put out the music. It's just people, how do I wear this? It's difficult to go from I feel like people don't understand how much it takes to be an independent artist, especially going from major label. Mind from a major label, I was there, I had the whole building behind me.

You know.

There was the marketing team, there was the A and R, there was the touring everybody was in house.

Now, as an independent artist, I have to find those.

People to help me, and I have to make sure that they believe in what I'm doing and believe in the project. I could hire anyone, But if they don't believe in what I'm doing, or they don't have the accurate or not accurate.

But the correct skill to be able to help me with that, then.

There's no point and then I just end up back at ground zero again. So I'm now at the position right now I'm talking to this company, slash label, but it would be more of a partnership with us, so that would mean that I would retain most of the

You don't and you will, I don't know.

I can you come too far?

Yeah?

And I so I'm I'm I'm working on it.

I just have to we have to figure out the terms so that we can just go because the music's already done. The hard part is done.

Well, we will light some candles and sets.

I feel like once you speak it though, I think like women always say like women are witches, Like we're like, we're so impeccable with our word. When you say something and you put it into the ether, you have the power to make it, to make it come to fruition. Yeah, So I'm like, I'm not even I'm not even worried, Like I know it's kind of and I know it's going to happen perfectly for you. And I know it's going to be in alignment because it's like the moment you choose yourself, you.

Your road opens up for you.

And like, I don't know if for women listening to this, who maybe you know grew up and just shiit.

Just women women just born you know, if you was born, you were a woman.

This gendered woman seriously, Like, and you've struggled because maybe your family expects you to do X, Y and Z, or or maybe religion has played a part, or maybe the guy.

That you date said this is how you should show up. Like what are what are some things?

Like what are three things three words of advice would you would give to someone struggling to tap into their freedom and their free their inner free spirit? What were what are three tools or three things that you've like have helped you come out of that and like step fully into who you are and like embrace it and say, I'm not going to do this.

This is who I am and this is what I'm going to do.

Oh man, is it three separate thoughts? I'm like, it is an exercise.

What did you do? Girl?

I mean, it's it's hard to say exactly because everybody's journey is their own sorooms.

I'll press Jordan is if you're watching on YouTube, Jordan's wearing a mushroom shirt.

I think mushrooms the guide. Yes, it's like a portal to yourself. So that's why I'm.

Asking when connection to everything else? Okay, so let me stand track.

No, no, no, you're okay.

I just there's so many thoughts that go on in my head that I'm just like, okay. I think for me, one major thing we were talking about it earlier is our intuition. I think when we have been pushed or gas lit, or in certain situations where you can't question that, you start to lose the connection with that intuition and what your gut is telling you. And I had lots of experiences leading up to where I am now, to where when I look back on it, I'm like, my intuition was right the whole time.

Like I just got goose bumps, like it was it was right.

And I think that would be a major one is really trying to reconnect with your gut feeling and with that intuition and that that little voice that's like maybe not or.

It's it's the it's the reconnection, but it's also sometimes that gut feeling and that that that voice is telling you something that's the harder road yep. And so you are like.

Everybody said to do this, yeah, you know.

And so it's like trusting that the harder, the harder road is going to eventually lead you to the easier road and making that choice because I mean I have I I know how impeccable my intuition is, and I still go against it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying you no, no, I know, but I think women, it's literally I think that we have we were masterfully created to really master this part of ourselves. I'm not saying that men don't have intuition, because they do, but we have some different shit over here.

Yeah, we're creators, and so I think we're the poor told to God.

You know, I was. We were talking about this with I can't remember her name, but just how my nervous system always tells me first, yes, like literally, nervous system will tell me, and then my mind will confuse me, like my body will be like in my mind will be like that should just relax, and I'm like, but my stomach hurts, yeah, like I'm nervous, I'm.

Hooly, my breath my chest is tight.

Yeah.

All of those things are signs. All of them are so I guess it's reconnecting with your body too, to be able to like understand what those things mean for yourself, because I have always been a nervous person. My husband he is always just like, I don't understand why you're so nervous, and I'm like, it just happens.

Okay, I don't know.

But my nervous system, which I've learned for the last however many years it's been since Okay, let's if we go with idle, it's been sixteen years. My nervous system has been on the fritz for the last sixteen years of my life, and it hasn't ever been able to receive a break of being out of fight or flight mode because I've been constantly touring, constantly traveling, working, having to be on public eye, having to think quick on my feet, Like so my nervous system is.

Like, oh's to the wrong thing.

It's always like this, And so when I'm about to perform, I get my hands get all, I get clammy, I get nervous, I start to breathe really fast, and I have to like pray to make to like bring myself back down and meditate, and he just doesn't understand.

It's it's just a it's just a.

Reaction that I have before I do it. I also think it's a good thing because I feel like, if I'm not nervous, I might have to do a reevaluation, like a self check, like yeah, do I really like what I'm doing, you know, because it's just it's exciting and it makes me nervous. But I think the reconnection there, I think is really important. Also with this phrase that I I don't remember who told it to me, but it was in my mid twenties and somebody was like, if it's not a fuck yeah, it's a no.

I like that is that today's affirmation?

I think, if it's not a fuck yeah, it's a no.

Yeah. I love that, like yeah well because radical yes yeah well. And it also that also goes with your your gut and your intuition. When you have a decision to make, if you're just like, well, no, it's a no, it's just a no. And that's not to say that to not say yes to certain things. If you have opportunity you want to say yes, you always have the opportunity to say no again and to change your mind.

If it's not a if it's not a.

Fuck, yeah, it's a though.

And also being able to be alone with yourself.

I think that's really helped me catapult myself into where I am now because I really do, like I said, I'm my seventeen year old self.

It's just it's night and day. The core is still there.

I'm still that goofy, quirky, smiley girl that walked into the audition room, but there's just more of a sense of knowing and more groundedness that.

I have that I did not have before. Just being able to do.

That work after you took that time off and like from dating and you're like it was amazing retreated and you're like, hold online in a minute, how did you meet your now husband?

And like, how did you know it was different?

I'm sadd he's not here because I'd totally look at him right now and be like your turn.

You're a turn to tell the story.

So okay, let me make this. Let me try and make this as short as possible.

Basically, I had a charity for ten years and I would follow the Super Bowl to each city and we would come in in the week and shine a light on organizations that were making a difference in the city before all, like the major parties would come in and we would give them media and press if they needed it or if they wanted it. Sometimes we would just go visit and they didn't want anything, but it would It was basically up to them.

And my tenth year was twenty seventeen.

The super Bowl was in Houston, and we went to a few different organizations and the last one we went to was his parents. He wasn't there. He lived in Dallas at the time, so he wasn't even there.

And I was excited because.

My mom and his mom had hit it off. And my mom's not really the type of person who's like, ooh, no friends. She's like, I'm good, I've got my people, and they hit it off, so I was very excited and I loved what they were doing. It's called the Forge for Families. It's in the third Ward in Houston. It's basically a place a safe haven for kids after school. They've got summer programs and different things like that, and

I don't now.

I know that he was like eighteen years old and like young, but I didn't know the difference.

I was like, oh, beautiful family.

So we leave.

And when I tell you that, like I had PTSD from the relationship that I had been in prior, and so my mom had tried to she was like, I know her intentions were pure, but the trigger that, like the fact that I would freak out like I just I was like I'm not ready for this, like I cannot please don't give people my number, and please don't have them send me flowers, like I don't want this, Like I can't even handle it. And so I was kind of at that point in my life, I cut

I just was like, this is too much. And so.

A month goes by, we leave, yay, like, have a good time. We leave a month goes by. My mom's like, hey, do you mind if Bridget that's his mom's name, if she connects you with her son Dana. He's not the one that you met, but he wants to model. He's planning on modeling, and he has a trip out in LA and she wants you to talk to him about Hollywood. This is the most moms this my mom. My friend said, it's gonna call it. He'll be in La, hang out with him.

Tell me about Hollywood. Like, okay, so welcome.

To hollyd You're welcome.

But I mean that's what I that's what they had me, not have me do.

But the reason why I ended up staying so long at their organization was they had some teenage girls who just wanted to ask me.

Questions about my life.

And so I was like, you guys, a lot of what you see is you know, photo shoots and people are calling paparazzi blah blah blah.

And I was like, there's a lot of stuff that you have to like really discern. So she was overhearing me say that, and she wanted me to do the same thing, and I didn't.

Find out till later that she really wanted me to talk about of moving to La doing anything there right completely judge me wrong on that because I'm always like, go you could always go back home.

Tell him exactly.

So I was like, okay.

That was the first time I was okay with somebody having my number. And I was like, all right because I had met his mom, and I was like, and if he tries to pull anything, I can just go to her and be like, this is I'm not comfortable with this. So my mom and his mom put us on a group chat and so we all end up in the same thing, and he's like, I'm gonna message you on another one. So we hopped out of that one and we started talking and we just never stopped.

No air, that's all.

So he didn't know about all the other the craziness that the media likes to put out there, and so I was just grateful to be like, Hi.

This is who I am.

And I felt safe also because I told him. I was like, I'm not facetiming you and I'm not.

Calling you on the phone. I was like, this is gonna be text only, straightforward.

This is where we lived.

Yeah, I'm like, this is this is where we're at.

And so we talked a lot and it was really cool and he was very nice. I was very intrigued by the way he thought. I loved that he had been single for seven years, like so, it's just there had been a lot of.

Things, but there was no nothing.

Because at one point he was like, well, you're just a bougie whatever whatever you said, light skinned, curly haired girl. And I said, yeah, we are a green nighted demon. So we both agree on this. Yeah, so we agree. And he ended up flying out for the trip that he had planned. And it was Easter weekend. My brother was driving in from Phoenix, so I was like, why don't you stop by? It was like ten o'clock at night, but I knew my brother was coming.

You went from text to stop by at ten o'clock at night, right right, well, because he.

Landed and was like he was like, I don't my my Airbnb. I just have to wait for it or something.

I can't remember what it was, but I was like, Okay, my brother's on his way, you can come over.

It's fine.

So he comes.

Over and I had two dogs at the time, and I I opened the door and the dogs run to him. So he bends over to pet the dogs, and I'm like, okay, well that's a good sign because they love him already.

Just as a person.

It wasn't until our eyes locked that I was like, oh shit, oh really, because I had seen his pictures. There was nothing, no, no, nothing. I just was like, oh he's nice looking dude, you know. But there was nothing until that moment that our eyes locked and we both knew we were in trouble.

Really, as soon as he got to the house. You looked at me like, oh shit.

I was like, this is not what I this is not this, Like I'm not looking for this, you know.

He literally swept me off my feet.

And it's crazy because I'm like, he literally showed up at my door literally from.

Your mom, that's like the most liked, but they didn't want That's it's crazy because they didn't want us to date.

That was never the intention.

And I remember going back to visit with him and his mom was like, I wanted you to talk him out of moving there, and.

Now he's in love, and I was like, I'm.

Sorry, I think not really, but so it went by really fast. So we started talking in March. We met in April. We got married in July. Wow, DJ was coming end of August, two days after he moved here.

Well, you met him in April, March. He moved in in June.

I guess not.

He moved in Basically between April and August, you had a baby, you got pregnant.

I got pregnant after we got married, and you got married.

Not like you can engage. You got married, married in Hawaii, got mallried. Wait how I know?

It's like but it's true, Like people always try to take you out of that, but it's like when you know, you know.

Were your parents where, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Oh I didn't tell anybody.

You got married without telling anyone?

Oh yeah of.

Course, yeah, because I so the way I have always been.

I've never wanted a big wedding. Like my best friend was born a day before me. She knew exactly what she wanted. She knew her the dress, the style, all of that stuff. And I was just like, I never I never wanted that.

And then once I became in public eye and a public figure.

I'm always going to huge events and I never really get to enjoy them because there's just so much going on. And I was like, I don't want to do that for my wedding, right, So I had always imagined myself either going to the courthouse or just something really really small. And so we went on this trip with our friends and we went to Hawaii, and we had already been talking about it.

I don't remember you guys already engaged at this point.

No no, no, no, no no.

No, no, here's what random trip not with no intention of getting married.

Well, we had talked about it.

I was like, if we're gonna, if we're gonna do it, why don't we do it here in Hawaii. Nobody's ever going to expect to see us at the courthouse there, and there shouldn't be.

Paparazzi in Hawaii, like of all the places, it was closed.

Wow, it was closed, and so we my best friend had gotten ordained.

So We're in the water and I look at him.

And I'm like, do you want to do it right now? Like, let's just do it right now? And he was like okay. And so my friend was like do you and I was like yep, and she asked him, so yep.

We kissed in the water and that was the one paparazzi shot.

Oh they got it, got but they had no idea that was actually So we got married there. We did the paperwork and stuff when we got back, but that's where we got married. And then uh yeah, a month later, a month and some change later, he had moved his stuff down and he moved into the house out here, which is two minutes up the road by the way. And then two days later I was like, I feel weird. I should just go check and yeah, wow, wow, were you was supposed to be here?

Were you excited? Were you scared? Were you ready terrified?

Okay, mostly because of him, because I just was like, he just moved here, like he just uprooted his life, and now I have to tell him that I we're expected.

Well, we got married, y'all are already doing it.

Yeah, but still it was like we neither of us were expecting it, and so it was just like, holy shit, like what is going on? So poor guy, I look back on it, he didn't even have time to like because I had a whole.

Moment I was. I was out of there because I just wasn't ready.

And we had been talking. I don't think you're ever ready for kids, to be honest, You're just not. But we've been talking like okay, yeah, like in two years we'll.

Start trying and blah blahlah blah. And I was like, cool, that sounds great. Nope, God was like now right now, and so it went really fast.

But we're wearing on our sixth year. So in July it'll be our sixth year anniversary.

Oh and how does your son five?

How is your pregnancy great? My pregnancy was awesome. It was the afterpart that I'm like, I don't want to do that again.

I was birth easy, Okay, did you have a natural birth?

Let me not say easy, because I don't want people to get rid of I don't.

Want people to get mad at me. It wasn't easy. It was definitely challenging. I did naturally. I did natural water.

Birth at the hospital at home.

I did at a birthing center.

Yeah, and they were amazing because they were like, hey, if anything goes wrong.

We will go with you to the hospital, like if there was an.

Emergency c section or something. But I didn't have to do that. Uh, Dana caught him.

It was really cool. It was a really cool moment. I felt like I could do anything after that. I was sitting in the bathtub like, look at this. I was looking at the umbilical cord like.

Oh my god, this is crazy.

And I was like I could left to try.

Yeah.

I felt like I could do anything after that. And he just Dija was a little perfect baby. He came out, eyes open, ready, just wait, wait for y'all.

Wow.

He was like, oh yeah, okay, I chose.

I chose right, you know what I mean, Like he was just looking at us like, okay, all right. But yeah, I My pregnancy was great. I didn't have any morning sickness. I everything was pretty much smooth sailing third trimester. He kind of sat a little bit on my psiatic nerve, but other than that, like it was great. It was the mental stuff after that. I was just like, I can't I can't do this again. I didn't want to put myself through that again.

Did you have uh?

I had?

I didn't have postpartum most part Yeah, I didn't have postpartum depression.

I definitely had.

The baby blues for like three weeks where I just I could not keep my emotions skin.

I wept at everything, everything.

But it was like a deep weeping. It wasn't just like, oh, I'm a little teary. I would just cry and cry and cry, and that was that was really tough, but also just trying to navigate, like, Okay, you have to dedicate your whole life to this person who needs you at the moment. And as women were the default parent because they have to eat from us, they need to be near us, we're the ones that are getting up,

So to make that split of like.

Well, you guys had just also kind of started your relationship in ways and then introducing a whole life into the relationships.

So we're still learning each other, still love each other obviously, but we're still learning each other, our quirks and all those things. And now we have DJ that's in the picture, and now we have to learn how to parent together as people.

Who are still learning each other each other.

Right, So it's just there was It was just a lot, and I just know personally for myself, I had to make that split between my husband and DJ.

And then whatever was left for me.

And I know that if there's another, if I bring another into this world, there's not gonna be anything left for me, because I know how I am, I know how I Hi. Those kids are gonna get everything, and then my husband's gonna get the rest, yes, which it should be husband first and then kids so they can see.

But I'm working on it.

I don't think we ever figure out the balance of anything. But I just know that there wouldn't be anything left for me, and then I know I would spiral because I.

Just well myself.

Well, yeah, well that's the thing, is that knowing yourself. Yeah, I'm curious because you guys, you guys went into this relationship rather quickly, got married and had the baby, and you said that you had PTSD from your last relationship, like you know, I was talking to my mom about this the other day because I was telling she was like, you know, when you find the right relationship, they will heal the parts of you that you were that that

Oh, okay, we're gonna change that.

But I've had moments of it and then yeah, it always comes crashing. What were some of those things that he was able to heal from? Like what your PTSD? We have a chapter in our book it's called post traumatic baby daddy disorder. Okay, and I realized that your last you know, relationship wasn't your baby father's child, but.

It's I think it's the same concept.

Yeah, but there is there's a PTSD that we as women carry from previous relationships, whether or not you have a child. When you have a child with someone, it's a little it's a lot more. I think it penetrates the soul a little deeper. But you know, there's things that we compartmentalize or hold on to in our bodies and don't even realize or start judging other people like,

I didn't. I absolutely didn't.

And I think talking to him first without any of the like.

Oh let me see what you look like, there was never any of that. He was never like.

Get me a picture, yeah yeah, which went on right now.

It was strictly just like human to human, which I immediately was just like, Okay, this is a really good person. And that obviously helped me lower my guard a little bit because my guard was super high. Again, let me preface that it was a year, it was a year and a half that I had just taken that out of my life. I was open, well, no, I was closed. I was closed to being set up. I didn't want that. I was open to it being organic. I did not

What I did want and what I didn't want.

And I think that that helped because when he showed up, I realized my spirit was.

Like, oh, there you are checking all the boxes.

Yeah, and I felt safe. Safety was my number one thing because I did not.

Feel safe in my previous relationships, whether it was safe to be myself or like physically safe, like I cannot be in this home safe.

I felt safe with him.

I knew just from the way that when we hung out, how he treated me, and he was always looking out for me.

And then it was continued. It didn't just go away. It wasn't like that initial courtship yeah, like oh well, I'm just gonna show you my best self and then you know, then we're gonna change up, which I had experienced before.

It was that sense of safety. It was the no preconceptions of who I was. He allowed me to show him who I was as opposed to be having me on this pedestal, which is I guess a little unique to just what I do in my industry, because everybody sees me, everybody knows who I am, and they make these assumptions of who they think I am.

Behind closed doors, And it's just not that.

I think people would be very surprised if they got to sit down with me for a while or like live with me for a week, like who I am?

You know, I think the concept of putting women on pedestals is very dangerous. Yeah, And I think men really they that's something that's their go to when they want to make a woman feel special, is like I put you on this pedestal. You put me on this pedestal, because at any moment I could be knocked off this pedestal with any of any of my me showing up as human.

Yep.

You know. Like I've had men say that. I'm like, please, don't do that. I don't want to be on your pedestal.

I don't want that. Yeah, I don't want you to worship me. I don't want you to know.

As soon as I drop one one one thing, you're like, oh you're not.

There is a level of worship I want. I think it's just this concept of pedestal where I am higher than every other woman, every other person, like, no, I am the same, I am just your woman, like we we are s meant to be, Like you could worship me in that yeah, that way, but yeah, I totally get it.

That was one of the other things my previous one of the relationships I was in. It was almost like he was amazed that I was even in his capacity like that.

I was like almost like out of I was so far out of his league that once I was.

With him, he just couldn't handle it and he just like didn't know what to do and he sabotaged at every corner, and then he made me feel like shit. And then because of how he used to treat other women, he didn't know how to treat somebody who was good, and it was just this whole It was this whole thing. Like I hope that he's grown since then.

Like I hope.

So I always hold the space. I'm not expecting anything, but I'm holding the space that they grow and they learn.

I don't know if you've experienced this too, because I've I've experienced relationship like that too, where like the person couldn't believe that they got me, and it gave me a sense of safety almost like it made me feel like, Okay, well, now I know this person won't disrespect me, like I know this person will value me because they can't believe that they have me. And that's where we fuck up. They didn't because the fact that you thought you couldn't get me, you don't value yourself.

That's a reflection.

Inevitably that is going to show up in our relationship and and how you treat me. Yes, and it always does.

Women forget about that, and I think men, we're just talking about this.

It's like this idea.

If the man hasn't done the work to value himself, then he is going when he put you on this pedestal and he looks at you, there is going to be something that happens.

You're like, oh my god, I don't deserve this, and he's going to try and find a flaw in you.

And then because he can't imagine that women overall can be this this or this that, And when you don't feel, when you don't feel like you're someone's equal or that you deserve them, then like inevitably you're trying to bring them down to.

Where you believe, where you believe that you exist.

And so, like you know, sometimes people like I think women. People tell women not to come off to confident or to like I love my fucking self.

I'm the shit, I look bomb.

My body's bomb, like I can make babies, like I can cook.

You know.

We're really like told to like take up less space while you're down ourselves, water ourselves.

Down, you know.

And I think for men, they if they don't, if they haven't had the time to really like feel truly like they deserve something of this level, then they, yeah, they start to become really mean.

Yeah, it's like yeah.

Because they just don't they don't know how, they don't know how they got you, but they also don't know how to.

Get themselves out of that space.

And I think that's the other thing that I really what I was attracted to when I met Dana was he had been single for seven years.

He was like, I don't need to do this.

Not that not saying he was celibate, but he wasn't in a committed relationship because he knew himself and because he valued himself, because he had been in one that really messed him up, and he wanted to just live his life and have uh the best time living his life, you know, and I was like, I respect that because you knew yourself well enough to just take this road and this journey. He wasn't trying to fill himself up with other things. He knows what his value is. He's

Second, like I need a break. I don't want to be talking about this idea at seven am.

I'm tired.

It's his sign.

He's a Taurus and my son oring the day before him. Yes, yes, yes, but but I appreciate it and I understand it because I'm a goat. So I don't know why I'm a sea goat though that doesn't make sense because I don't like the water like that. I like it for its purification process and to hydrate and moisturize.

I don't want to go in the ocean. I'm good. It's scary.

Only to get married.

Yep.

Only I was like right right here, right here.

In my waist and the flamingo floating.

I was good.

But yeah, so I just I really respected that, and that was different than any other relationship I had been And they had previous relationships.

They had come off as though they.

Were confident, but really, really, when I look at it, I'm like, alpha, be careful.

Really they were.

And I guess the other thing too, was that they were also in the industry.

I thought, I thought that if I was with somebody who did the same thing that I did, have an understanding, it would be easy to know.

No, no, no, no, it was almost worse because now everybody knows me. We have all these other people that are looking at me. They spent so much time looking at the other people looking at me that they weren't looking at me looking at them.

About that, I was like, I'm here looking at you. You are the only person I see.

And I'm also, like I said, I'm one hundred percent, like, there's no when I'm committed, there's no swaying. That's that's just not there's nothing you cannot there's nothing that anybody can do unless I've made that decision. And so I just didn't get that.

I was like, I'm literally here next to you, like I'm.

With you, but you're concerned about that dude over there who's not even over here talking to us, like he's.

Just looking like you gotta know people are gonna look yeah, And I'm.

Like, you do realize I was who That was the other thing I told Dana because once I once i'd been through those relationships and I had started going to therapy, I started doing work on myself. That was one of the first things I told me. I said, I am who I am.

This is my job.

I'm not changing it for anybody. I am who I am, and I will be this way if you date me or not. This is my life. People are gonna know me. Part of me belongs to the world. That's just that's just how it is. People are gonna look at me, people are gonna want my attention, people are gonna all these different things. You have to be okay with yourself to be able to deal with this because I'm not changing because I did not that I changed. I still did what I did, but I said no to a lot of things.

To appease somebody.

They're broken egos, and I just was like I'm not doing that again. I'm not gonna let you tell me who I can hang out with because we're not possessions. We are not things to be owned. Dana has his female friends, I have my male friends. I think it's completely healthy and there's nothing wrong with that. Like, there's no I'm also not a jealous person, Like until you give me a reason to either be jealous or to

He's uplifted me in the process.

He I've never had somebody support me to the point where literally everything he does is to elevate me. I just I love you, I love you. I think you're the most amazing person on the planet. But he's always thinking about me, and that's something that I have to work on because I've only had to think about me for a really long time and all of my.

Decisions and things like that.

But I.

Can I can come off very detached sometimes, not that I which is weird because I'm super empathetic and very in tune with my emotions, but I can come off really detached and just like okay, And so I have learned for myself to cultivate a better connection there with with Dana in that way.

I really have to work on that.

Like the same excitement that I would want him to show me, I have to do as well. And sometimes after DJ has been all over me all day and I'm touched out, like that's the last thing I want is to just be.

Like you.

Tell me your ideas.

You're so smart.

Yeah, but it's just been so it's it's been interesting, Like I think, the ebb and flow of everything. I don't think I'm ever going to find a balance. Everybody always asks me, well, how do you balance?

I'm like, I don't.

That question is crazy. Yeah, I'm like, that question is crazy. Here's the blueprint.

No, you can't.

It's just some days it's seventy thirty. Some days it's one hundred percent just DJ. Some days it's one hundred percent just me. Some days it's one hundred percent into data. But there really isn't balance. And I think that's the cool thing about life, is the polarity and the duality of everything is you know, we just kind of life is happening for us, not to us. Yes, And I think that's a lesson too that I had to learn, because sometimes it's like, oh.

Well, this is just the situation was so horrible and I can't believe they did that to me. But it wasn't. Looking back, I'm like, that was a protection, so.

You wouldn't be doing so you wouldn't be an.

I cannot tell you how. I just got goosebumps.

I've been protected so much at my angels, my ancestors, God, the Source, the Creator has.

Been looking out for your girl.

Okay, because there have been plenty of times where I wanted it to be a yes so badly, whether it was a relationship or a role or the label or whatever it was, and it was a big fat no or big fat warning sign, and I was completely protected from the aftermath of what happened when I look at it from the outside.

Thinking that it was a no, but it was a reroun yes, yeah, no, it was a nope plot twist yes no. And and here's what you're actually deserve and what you want yep.

No dot dot dot. The ellipsis no, here's more. This is this is what you're gonna do. So I don't know, it's been, it's been interesting, it's never it's it's always going.

Never ending.

I guess it's an ongoing journey of like discovery.

I can sit here and talk to you forever.

I know me too, but we can't.

But we can.

We can, Okay, before we.

Get out of here. Two things. I want to play a game with you. Okay. It's called Trigger. Oh great, okay, And it's a game we play with our guests. And basically, I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Don't overthink it.

Okay, damn you know me.

I'm gonna be like wait.

And try to just you can say more than one word, but try to keep it in one word.

Bad habits, oh overeating, marriage, challenging, motherhood also challenging monogamy. Easy cannabis love it, black women love them?

Yes, purity ring.

Uh, I don't have one anymore.

I don't know what graduated, it's gone graduated.

Religion?

Uh boxes anal? I mean, I mean I'm always done to explore.

Okay, boxers or briefs. Uh, briefs turn on? Wait what does it turn on?

Oh?

Oh what is a turn on?

Uh? Please, I'm a savio sexual. Just please stimulate my mind.

Turn off? Oh fuck?

How do I don't know how to word this?

Uh? Turn off would probably be ooh bad bad bad dental oral hygiene.

Ooh girl, that's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, something we're all triggered down. Mushrooms love them? Hey, hey, pregnancy one and done. Favorite porn category.

I don't have one.

You watch porn? Have you ever watched born?

Yeah? But I'm not like looking in Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I don't know.

I have no idea favorite sex position.

Oh, I have one, but I don't know the name of it because it's new.

I just explained it.

Yeah.

So the guy is laying down and then the girl is It's almost like reverse cowgirl, but not center like one.

Leg, yeah, that one, like the one like one on the side.

Yeah, because you can kind of get that booty like that side booty.

It's amazing. I'm like, big, can we do the can we.

Please with the reverse one like cowgirl whatever.

Then they can turn too, so they have the so he could like get on his side and you can.

Really get in there. Biggest insecurity probably my stomach to me too, girl pregnancy. I think I've always like not loved my stomach, but then after pregnancy, I gained seventy pounds in my pregnancy. I don't know, I know, it's crazy and it's it's just like it's just never the same. Yeah.

I mean, I appreciate my how powerful my body is to have like done that, but I'm like, hey, can you just you know, do me a little favor and stop jiggling so much?

I know, I was like still, but if I need to get this cut open and stretched out like this, he'll like grab it.

And I said, you did that, and he's like I did to say, yeah, my belly was out to hear.

He's the only person that I let do that. I've been so sensitive about my stomach for such a long time. That like anybody touches it, and I'm like, even my husband, I'm trying not to.

I'm trying not to him like.

Some mirror You gotta do some mirror work me too, because I go my sometimes when I'm like lower weight than I'm like, okay, it's cute, and then I gave five pounds, like I hate it again and like I can't do this to myself. Yeah, to stop, and I'm not going to get a tummy tuck, so just shut up.

Yeah, that's not happening.

If we if well surgery for if we needed, but if we were meant to have it, we'd have zippers.

I think zippers. Zippers. Yeah, we were meant to go all up.

In there and it would be easy, right, Yeah, we just we already have zippers on our bible.

I'm not mad about not having zippers on my titties. I definitely cut these open again and do it again.

I don't want zippers there either.

He's the best and best one I ever made.

They are beautiful.

Thank you, Doctor Laverson in San Diego.

Oh No, I don't like to share.

She's selfish. I'm just kidding.

I do not like to share.

I feel you girl, last, but not least.

Biggest regret, biggest regret.

That's actually a really good question because I I don't really.

Regret anything in my life.

Mate, Well, I do regret yelling at this girl named Kelly when I was in the fifth grade.

Oh my god, you have to be a cancer somewhere in your chart, girl, because the way you just remember.

That, Kelly, you hear this, Kelly, I know, I don't really sorry.

I will never forget it, though, because I'm not really a yellow like that, and and it was just I was so irritated and I yelled so loud in her face, and I told her that no one liked her, and and I've never forgotten that. So I'm sorry you're at I'm like, I still remember, Like that makes my stomach hurt like thinking about it.

So yeah, I would say that. And then biggest regret. I don't really have a major.

One, Like I don't have any There's no like regret that was like life changing, if if that makes sense.

So I don't really have one.

Good Yeah, I think I think it's I think it's best to live life without regrets, or at least lead with me.

I can't do anything that can't change anything.

That was my high school senior quote regrets, no regret, no regrets.

I was I was the early yellow. Let's go.

There. So we usually ask our guests if they have a whorri we have a segment on our taro.

First tell her so then she can have time to think about it, and then I'll do the taro and then we'll do the horri for after.

Okay, So a horror story is a hotel like whether that's with your husband or a previous partner or whatever, something that's either hi on the host scale, the host scale, sexy little sexy sex story, or maybe something that was like really embarrassing, like we have one recently. That is if you're on Patreon, which you should subscribe to Patreon.

Right the fuck now, please don't repeat that story.

I'm not gonna repeat it. I'm going to make them go to Patreon. There's a little nasty little story that we shared on Patreon. It's actually in audio form, which is even fucking better. I'm gonna start making people submit through audio like the story was wow, I mean, I'm grossed up.

It could even be gross. It could be surprisingly like scary. It could be like oh, that was.

That was a whole highlight time and I really appreciate that.

So if you sorry, and yeah, think about it.

If you're gonna be my version of a hot yeah.

There's no judgment whatever level you're at. Okay, we welcome all the stories.

But in the meantime, I know we when we started the show, we let you you chose a tarot card and you got the Ninus Swords.

And I've never done this before.

Actually, I'm very yeah, I'm very intrigued to see. Well, you can let us know if it resonates with with you. It usually does.

And when you looked at it, you seem like the imagery, it's like, can we hold.

It up so they can see what I picked.

It's like a woman or man sitting up in the bed, like look like very it's me.

They look a little distraught.

Just a little bit. Okay, okay, So what does it mean upright?

It means there's anxiety, worry, fear, nightmares.

Let's see, let's see.

The Ninos Swords suggests that dark thoughts are disturbing feelings, are weighing you down and keeping you up at night. You are worrying excessively about a situation, and your negative thoughts are getting the better of you, leaving you stressed and anxious. The more you see sciate with your fears, the more they will rule your life. As you obsess over what's not working, the more anxious you become, and

This is I also resonate with this.

Just as the Nine of Swords are stacked upon each other each other on the wall, so too are your negative thoughts. Be careful because the fear and worry in the Nine of Swords can become sorry. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy. As you obsessed over what you may what may go wrong, you are more likely to manifest your worst case scenario because you are inadvertently acting

This is this is what.

Happens when your tarot in training and you rely on Biddy Tara.

Honestly, I mean I think I that wait, wait when the Nine of Swords appears in a reading, it is time to reach out for help.

Oh help me, Jesus.

I did, Yeah, you did, you did.

Yeah.

You don't need to do this alone. You don't. You have a group of women that are waiting to embrace you and list the support of others to help you get through the dark period of your life. Others will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and lead you towards a solution or a sense of peace. Despite your troubles. You are struggling to look at your situation clearly as you are plagued by negative thoughts, so having an objective, third party perspective will help you

Well, I definitely relate to it because, like I was talking about with my project, I'm we're like in the middle of it, and I'm just like, I really want this to work, like it has to work, and I want it to work. And I think that's where my thoughts start to spiral because of the experiences I've had before, like the what ifs.

Yeah, but I'm trying.

To shift it because somebody just asked me a question the other day for advice and she was like, well, how do I go about putting this music out?

It's very vulnerable. I'm scared.

And I said, well, you have to shift your thoughts from what if it sucks and what if people hate it to but what if it's great? What if they love it? And so I have to do that for myself. And I think the stress also comes from, like, I mean, it's my livelihood, you know, so if it doesn't work, I have to like not scramble. But I'm grateful that I have the opportunities to do other things like act and host and do all those other things. But when

Yeah.

Yeah, it is my passion. That's true. That's definitely true. It is my passion. I have to sing. I want to sing. I want to be on stage. And I think where the fear comes in is because the landscape has changed so much since even the last time I put out music, like I put out a little EP, I put out Christmas album and an EP and twenty twenty and it's changed even from that time, And I'm like,

Because I had the craziest nightmare, Like last week.

I woke up in a I was sweating, I was panicked. I looked back and Dana was there, and I was like, it was so real, it was so real, and.

So yeah, so this card really does resonate.

Yes, And I'm very excited for our trip.

I'm very excited for our trip. I need women, I need time to myself. I'm very excited.

Yes, And this episode's gonna come out in July, so you'll already have been on the trip. But just you guys know, Jordan's might be there right now. Jordan's she's probably there right now. She's in Mexico. Geordan's joining us on the Good Vibra Tree. And I'm just so excited to create spaces for women, for all women, because we do need those spaces. We need places and spaces to feel like safe. Human human unplug not be needed, not especially if you are a natural. If you're a natural,

Because I will always go and sit back down, even if I'm dragging mommy sit with Okay, yeah, okay, I will and I think that's important. But at the same time, like I definitely have to be gone, like out of.

You've got to say, yes, I have to be gone, out of the country.

Yeah, And Dana, the amazing thing was I showed it to him and I was like showing the thing.

I said, Babe, look at this. Doesn't this sound amazing? He was like, I want to go. I said, nope, not you, No, no, just for me. And I was like, so.

Cause we you know, he actually is my he is managing me at the time now and he's also my an R, so we also work together. And so scheduling, I had to be like, do we have these days open? And he was like yeah, And I was like, okay, I'm taking them. Don't book anything, I don't care what comes in. I'm this is what I'm doing. I was like, all right, and so I just to be sure yesterday

Like can you go?

Because he'll go on guys trips all the time, and I have no problem with him, like go ahead, like please have a good time.

But I won't do it for myself.

So I'm grateful that I have that he can see that I need it.

Well, congratulations on choosing yourself and doing that, and hopefully you'll even get more clarity and peace around releasing some of these feelings and ideas that this card holds. Well, this was beautiful.

Well wait, wait did you think of that hard? Oh shit, let's see how juicy? Juicy? I mean, I don't know.

I don't have very many exciting story used to be honest.

Uh, Well, I will say I did have a hope phase for like six months.

Six I had two phones. The whole thing. I had two phones. I was like I had one for work and one for play.

If you want to listen to Jordan Sparks, host host host story Okay Hory, make sure you go check out our Patreon, you can go to paton dot com backslash Good Moms Bad Choices or guess what, guys, we're not We're not rated n X or whatever the fuck they had us on Patreon for no fucking reason for You can now search Good Mom's Bad Choices in Patreon. They finally released them. The hole on our account is they you know, they.

Realize we're not X rated. Yeah, we're not doing poorn over here? Can't surprise? Can you believe it?

Well, Jordan, thank you so much for coming and.

I really enjoyed myself.

Tell our people where they can find you.

You can find me on your radios. I'm kidding. Yeah, you can find me at Jordan's.

Sparks on all platforms except for TikTok. I think it's official Jordan Sparks j R D I N S P A r K S.

And keep your ears and your.

Eyes open for the new music because it's going to be really good and you won't regret listening to it.

And yes, and we love you and we hope you have a beautiful rest of your week.

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