Where the Fuck is my glow?

The fucking pol police coming straight from the underground. The younger nigga got it back because I'm brown and not the other colors of police think they have the authority to kill the minority. Fuck that shit, because I ain't the one for a punk motherfucker with a badgine the gun to beat North. It's on this jail. We can go to the talk in the middle of a sell fucking with me because I'm a teenage up.

The French advisory. Good mom's bad choices.

It is a beautiful day outside.

Finally it's been raining. Yes, it's been raining non stop in LA, but we need that rain.

I actually like the rain, yeah, because it only happens like six days out of this three hundred and sixty five.

But remember when it used to rain like all the time in LA in the nineties, nearly two thousands, okay, kind of believe it.

I remember we had a shower storm once in two thousand and four.

I just always feel like it's the weak again when it's raining, and then it's not the weekend because I'm getting emails and.

I have to like do things and I have shit to do, Like, is.

The only place on earth that it sprinkles, and then you hear people in the gas station like, oh no, it's raining, John, I'm not coming in.

The office today.

I'm like, you, guys, well, they can't drive either, retarded people from LA It's like the people that the transplants.

Know how to do it. The locals might be the ones. Because this is when I moved to Atlanta.

Honestly, the first time it rained, I thought it was going to be a tornado storm and it was just regular rain, and I realized that what we get is not rain at all.

It's a light drizzle, it's never really raining. It was raining a lot.

Girl, you haven't been to real rain unless you've lived outside of California.

No, I mean, I guess, but it was a medium. It was medium. All I want to do when it's raining is just like.

In my bed, Like I didn't go anywhere all day yesterday, and then for like two hours, I was like, I think I'm depressed.

But then I realized maybe it's because.

It was the weather and I hadn't washed my ass, changed my clothes, went outside.

I was like, I'm I'm stressed. I'm depressed. And then I'm like, maybe you should wash your.

Ass maybe that that that always makes me feel better washing. No, what was I gonna say? I I had an idea of what I was gonna say, and then I forgot, probably because I smoked already. I'm having like Eela. That's why I'm not gonna smoke.

This is why I went to Dare. It's peer pressure. Oh God, don't say those words, stare, Please don't listen. Still they're still around.

They are.

I really want one of those T shirts, even though I feel like I'm kind of a hypochis that's the point, right, oh, to wear No, I don't think that's the point for you.

I mean for me. No.

I just like their shirts and I thought they were like retired, but they're making it come back.

I know what I wanted to say.

I want to just say that if you tuned into our episode last week, I have since added links on our website. If you go in our to our Instagram, our websites. There it's good Mom's Bad Choices dot com. I added a section with resources from our last talk.

We're going to keep all of the resources up there so you guys can check in and you know, do some research, have additional resources to the things we discussed exactly smart.

Yeah, and also I'll mean have bad resources there too, Like it's just my favorite strip club.

Oh Sam's. I mean it's it's like the best you're gonna get in La.

Yeah, but have you actually have you done Crazy Girl anytime recently?

Now I went there years ago and they weren't even naked.

Really, they've they've they've stepped up their game majorly. It's a little Sam's up in there.

It's a little shut up and it's closer.

Yeah, and it's you know, if you live in La, ain't nobody want to drive no more than a ten mile radius anywhere? If no one goes to the airport. No one goes downtown if they live in the valley.

This is Sam's is deep, I mean on deep, It's just in the downtown. I'm like new to Sam's because my ex used to go there all the time, and I would like, I didn't really and it was a strip club, Sam's Club the store. Now I know it was a strip club, but like I was just like, okay, cool, but he was going all the time. And then I went like recently, maybe like three months ago on my own with a girlfriends, and I was like, that's why this nigga.

Was here, Okay, I see. I was like low key angry, but then I was like, hey, that's kind of fun. And you know what.

Also, this is me because I'm a fat ass. I'm a foodie, y'all the skinny bitches.

The foodie her and her daughter and my kid. Yes, oh my god. And I can't be mad. She's be like every five minutes, I'm like, oh my god, I did it to my child.

Every time when it comes over you guys, She's like, I want strawberries, I want her harries, I want a food.

It makes me feel like people think I don't feed my kid. No, you know, she just loves her. She loves her some food she does. I really doesn't want to eat anything French fries.

Sam's has good food, and usually, like ship clubs in Atlanta have good food.

And that wasn't like ninety like sixty percent of my motivation.

So the fact that they have good food really makes me feel at home because I'm like naked bitches and good food, you know, like wings and.

Titties, Wings and titty We should open a strip club, wings and titties.

That's a good one. It's a good one, and it can be close. We're gonna make some merch that say wings and tit checking out on our website.

What wings and titt wangs? Titties and wangs? Cause what's wrong with them? Anyway? Anything new this week happened to you? And they've been like feeling out of it.

So no, I just been like I got back into work and then I uh, I've been hanging.

Out with Iri and I had an audition, no commercial. Oh you did have that? Go it was good? It was good. Yes, Irin, you have to go out there. Okay, so you guys go play in there.

Oh, go go by, go outside, Okay, come through come here, come through here.

Our podcast lives al't but anyway, iother gets to hurt me.

Hi, let's go go go go.

It.

Okay, cause i'd be ending stuff too, Come on you edit it. I edited our last episode just like from stuff when I came in and it cause it was like overkill. Yeah, I was like, just it was easy.

I've been getting back into work and just I wanna start working out again. I've been falling off, not feeling so great. Working out is like part of my mental sanity in life.

Period. You feel like working out n ki ki like n keeps you sane. Yes, that's probably what I need to do, but it's hard for me.

I get really into it and then I get really inconsistent, and then I start I just noticed a shift in my attitude. Yes, baby, okay, okay.

All right.

I went on a date that was cool. This is oh a new date? No, no, the date we were a little the same date, okay, same guide, same date.

Yeah, and chatted with you, texted, we texted a lot, texted, built Insta stories.

To like whatever I'm like am I slow? Clearly social media is a whole other thing. I feel so much pressure. I'm like, let me ask the hair cut. This one's okay. No, I don't feel pressure. I don't. I barely know what I'm doing.

I only know because of beauty Blender and like looking at their stuff all day and watching other people make things better than me, and then I'm like, oh, that's how you do that.

I thought I could stayed up post for like forty five minutes, and then I get Hi, I distracted, and I'm like it's ugly.

Yeah, it's too much. Oh So, speaking of new news recently in Kelly of North's Sacramento, did you hear about Stephen Clark. Stephen Clark is Stephan or Stephen Stefan.

I think when when white people use pH, it's Stephen, when Black people use pH, it's Stefan or Stephan.

Because I've heard in a few different ways and no confusing.

I don't want to be out here saying his name incorrectly because it's really important and he's an important person.

Rest his soul.

Unfortunately he had to lose his life absolutely, get murdered.

Let's just say get murdered.

He got murdered by the police in his own backyard for being on a cell phone.

I mean this seems like I've heard this before.

I just can't believe when we just watched that video right now, like that they shot twenty shots between two people, like this is Iraq, Like this is the war. There's only one person. It does not take twenty gun shots to put one person down. Like what kind of it's like a video?

Gay?

Yeah. I mean, first of all, to be in the line of duty, you're on gonna you're fighting crime.

Let's be real, that's what you're supposed to be doing. But at some point.

When you signed up for that ship, when you went through the camp or training whatever training that obviously it's minimal go around that happens. I mean, honestly, these people are cowards. You can literally hear him shaking and his breathing in the officer. Yeah, after they've shot this man twenty times. The most the hardest part is that they let him sit there for five or six minutes asking.

Him to get up. Do you have a gun? You have a gun?

You just shot someone twenty times? Do you really think they're gonna then they can respond?

You think they're alive? Do you think they survived? You are a fucking idiot, is what you are.

And you should have no business having any job except the one at Walmart because you're dumb as fuck. And I really hope even though unfortunately we all know, these motherfuckers are gonna get paid leave for six months or however long it takes a paid vacation for them the investigate when I could be I'll be the investigator murder.

They need to go to jail. They're not going to go to jail. They they're not.

Especially they've already started talking about that this was a justified kill because after watching the footage, even though that like it could have because of.

What anything, how are they discussing it. It's a justified kills.

That's the report that I had seen when it first happened, and I don't know if it's I'm pretty sure it's probably changed its First.

Of all, the call was for a black male who was breaking into cars.

Okay, not a mass murderer, not.

A rapist on the loose, not someone with a machine gun in the neighborhood. It's an alert red somebody breaking into cars.

Now, if you're going to find something.

Breaking into cars and you just see a black man, you have not identified this person, haven't asked for any type of ID and you pull your weapon. First of all, you don't need a gun to break into a car. And they said they thought it was a crowbar. What did they think he was.

Going to do?

Willkanda swing it at them? Like they shot him twenty times? And then proceeded to ask him, we need to know if you have a gun on you. They must show me your hands, Show.

Me your hands.

They must really think we're from we're superhuman. They must think black people are superhuman.

I mean, we are superhuman are but ain't nobody human survive twenty gunshots?

Show me your hands? I like, I just I want to know how these people sleep at night.

I want to know how do you go to work every day and you're this scared of black people.

Or people period? Like this should not be listen. I don't like blood. I don't like death.

I don't like losing people. I can't be a nurse. I know that because I know myself. If you're a pussy, you need not be a cop.

You need not be a cop. It's like one plus one equals too. And I hope, like I literally hope that he has he. I hope that I should hunt that motherfucker for the rest of their lives. I really do.

I really do, because that's somebody's child. That's somebody that he lived with, his grandparents. His grandparents and his child were in the house.

They didn't even know it was him that they shot in their backyard. They didn't even.

Know that their grandchild is back there getting murdered by cops, people who are supposed to protect you.

I mean, if I saw a cop running towards me as a black man, I'm running too. I'm running because I don't know why y'all are running, and I'm running because y'all are chasing me and I haven't done shit. And I'm scared of cops at this point because you guys have worked in our trust so many times.

And don't get me wrong, I know some things are accidents.

Do I think that these cops like set out to murder someone woke up this morning and were like, we're gonna go murder some like niggers today. Like, I don't know that for sure. I can't make that. That's a really grandose assumption, But I just feel like it's the lack of training. These people do not have any training, which makes you do pussy shit. You act like you're in a fucking video game because and suddenly your life is more important than the other person's.

There is training, but the training is probably biased. It's terrible.

Yeah, and there's just there's just a bad likes. And then on the at the root of like what the police force is, I know it comes stems from goodness, but they're rotting way.

But that's where you're wrong, and that's where people are misconceived, the misconception of the police forces that they I mean, we all have, you know, think that they're there for good. But you know that the police the police force started as like slave catchers. That's literally where the police force the root of it is. So like even the badges are similar, like that came from that. So when it stems from that, even like we're in the United States,

These white like these cops.

That ship is not that big of a deal because there's no consequences and there have been no consequences. Fuck a body cam, it does not matter. First of all, on that settage we didn't see him run. We just talked in the backyard. There was no footage of him running. I didn't see him run.

And where's the app where's the rest of the footage? You only put it on so you own They switched on their camera footage when when.

They started break before they started shooting.

And then the fact that part is even if he had not run or had run, it may.

Not have changed their It may not have changed anything because we've seen other videos where people aren't running, they aren't doing anything, plain daylight, Eric Gardner, and they strangled him together ten people and nobody.

Yes, okay, I'm coming.

This interested.

Sorry for that short break. Kids are very needy. We're back but but yeah, anyway.

I don't wanna We have an episode plans today, guys.

But we had to mention this because it is just so outrageous.

Outrageous and sad, sad, and it's just sad that it's like I'm getting used to it.

It's normal. It's not surprising that this is happening because.

I'm getting numbt getting numbed to it, Loki, Like, not that I don't care about this at all, I do. When I just saw that video, Like something inside me just makes me so fucking angry. I'm angry, like it's just becoming. It's not getting better because no one's paying the price. There's no comb's going to be an example. We just have to be the examples all the time.

It's just it's crazy.

And this person is someone's child, Like, this is someone's child. And people don't look at other people from different socioeconomic places and like different skin cut but they suddenly like their children are not human to them or something.

Yeah, like they're not looking at they're they're what are you saying, separating?

I just mean like they just don't look at people like, oh, you're a child, You're someone's child.

That's my biggest That's what I'm most baffled by because a lot of the times these cops are parents, and like, literally, I don't know what your experience was, but like obviously I knew this, but when I gave birth to, when I gave birth to like this innocent, small little being, and then you just see how innocent they are and how they don't know anything.

And I mean literally, we're just born.

We were not choosing any of our socio you know, economic statuses and it's just like you would think that that could soften anyone's heart.

Like that when people.

Who have kids who are mothers or fathers and they're racist, it really baffles me because you've experienced the beauty of childbirth and like the pureness and that you've you've chosen to have hate. Oh my god, this is this is not on topic, but have you seen there's a snapchat in some racist ass places in Middle America?

Two white nurses are.

Maternity nurses in the maternity ward and they were snapchatting like this little black baby and saying like, look, I'm a rapper, like making racist comments with the baby on the snapchat.

What a newborn. And apparently they have one friend that cares because someone reported them and they got fired as they should.

But calling the baby like inappropriate names. Can you imagine? That's another thing like which brings us to our topic today. Today we're gonna be discussing pregnancy postpartum and how real that motherfucking transition is. Yeah, the shock factor.

Shock factor. It's not what Instagram is showing. No, it's not even what my Instagram is showing. Nobody told me about this part of it. There's a lot of shit people don't tell me about, but this, for sure, it's like, oh, it's gonna be hard.

That is the lightest, most diet sugarcoated form of saying bitch, are you sure about this? Because yeah, yeah, seriously. This is a big thing for me because immediately I was like, what the fuck have I done?

When you got pregnant? I mean, when I got pregnant.

After I had the baby, when I got home two weeks after that.

Well, no, when I got pregnant, I was so scared. I was terrified. Did you cry? I didn't cry.

I just felt fear Like I was like, yeah, like I'm going to pass time right now. And I was like, oh my god, Like I don't even like kids.

You don't I do? Now? I love kids other than your own kids. No, I love all kids. When I see the little kids, like really maybe like yeah, you know, they got what I know. I have friends.

My friend who I just came back from visiting, she doesn't like kids, like she likes hers.

But like she doesn't. I have to remind her like you're her aunt, like you're Linna remember She's like.

Oh, I was like her, just like I have friends who have kids.

There was a mistake.

No, I I just it's not that I didn't like kids. Okay, that's a strong word. I just think I just I wasn't into like playing, Like I don't want to play Hide and.

Go Seek, I want to play. I just I think my.

Even like I have a really young sibling, my siblings, my youngest sibling of six, so it's like a baby. And like now that I have a baby, I would play. But before I'd be like, I want.

To play, you know, it's so stunny to play.

I see myself as this like nurturing maternal person, Like I've always thought that I've always wanted to have a lot.

Of kids, maybe because I'm a cancer, which was like the mother's sign.

But when I told my dad, like I was telling my dad like yeah I want He's like you want kids, and I was like, yeah, you didn't know that, He's like remember, I just I was shocked that my own father like was questioning that I should be a parent

You?

Well, you're like, I'm mother nature.

I came off, I was nurturing Motherlike what are you talking about? So clearly my own self perception and everybody else's is off. But yeah, I mean, I guess I can see where people could get that idea, but clearly we are very mothering mother like.

I love I love kids. Now it's usually the parents. Parents do better. Parents bad parents make asshole kids do better.

But you know, I was. I was, and then I got excited because he was excited, and you know, but then when my body started changing was hard for me to At first it was.

Cute and then there was a point where I just wasn't cute anymore.

But it was my fault. I ate, like it was my fucking full time job. Like I ate, like I was eating for three and three How.

Much weight did you gain? Seventy pounds? Oh my god, Eric, yeah, seventy pounds. How did you even lose on that weight? It's been a minute, Yeah.

Taking me almost three years, literally, Like I was like, you're passed about that? At first, that's like I think part of the reason that like postpartum popped up for me initially because I've always been so conscious of my weight and my body and like being an actor and like like a kid model or whatever.

Like you know, you become aware of those things that are kind of an early age, which doesn't help. Yeah, you come away.

Those things kind of an early age. And so I was always like a little self conscious. And so I don't get me wrong, I look in the mirror even now and like even back then and be like growing, you look good to day. The other's days I'm like, ooh, ate those burgers four days in a row. But yeah, I just like the idea of my body and it was really hard for me to adjust to. It was really hard. And obviously when you gained seventy pounds, it's also hard to hide.

So yeah, ain no uh weigh.

But I saw your pregnancy photos. Girl, you were all cute. You just didn't gain one paund You gain like ten pounds.

I gained like thirty five pounds, but it was literally all in my stomach.

I went for my postpartum six weeks.

First of all, I was portion of the reason I was happy to get pregnant, since I thought I was gonna be thick and get hips, and like six weeks later when I went to the postpartum I think I was.

I started and ninety eight pounds.

Before I got pregnant, and I went back to my postpartum bitch, I was ninety six pounds.

I was pissed. I'm like, check that again, what do you mean it was only six weeks ago.

You're telling me not any of this weight stayed thirty five pounds and I come back with my negative too.

I was mad. Oh my god, I lost thirty pounds, like immediately from.

Having the baby, right the baby, all the weight you lost right there. I think you can see my I think you can see like my ribs in my Like my ribs were on top, the belly was the loft.

Oh my gosh.

But when I found out I was pregnant, first of all, it's so it's a bizarre thing because I was like living with my man at the time. I've known him like fifteen years, so I shouldn't have been like freaked out. But I cried. I like cried like a baby. And I remember looking at him and he was like, oh my god, this she's a bitch. I remember thinking like, I'm a mean person, and I was just like, eh, I was scared. And I was so scared that first of all, I'm super hippie and I'm super.

Like, God send me signs, spirits, ancestors.

So I asked all my friends, like, do you guys know any like spiritual guides or like psychics? I asked all the hippie friends for two weeks straight. Nobody got back to me. So I'm like, oh, this is something I'm gonna have to make a decision about pretty soon.

So I'm literally at a friend's friend's house.

We've been there all day and I just smoked a little weed and I said her like, do you know any spiritual advisors I have, like this thing I really need to talk to someone about. She's like, yeah, my friend Eddie she's inside. I'm like, really's like, yeah, she's been here all day. She's the best psychic I know. I'm like seriously, She's like yeah. I'm like I'm been asking people for two weeks. I'm like, can you ask her if she'll talk to me? She's like yeah, I'll

Oh damn. I didn't tell her what my thing was because I was still skinny. I was like four or five weeks pregnant.

And she starts reading the cards. Erica, this bitch, I'm looking at the cards they're facing. Her pulls a pregnant Tarot card. Shut up, it was I didn't even know if pregnant tarrot card existed.

And I'm looking like trying to break my neck, and she's like, well, you see this card.

And after that, like I didn't, I consciously asked God to give me an answer. She clearly pulled the pregnant card. I didn't hear anything else she said. I was just like, oh, okay, God, okay, well let's do it, you know, like okay. So, I mean I basically kept my child because the strangers psychic lady told me that it was in the stars.

In the stars.

Yeah, I was scared, but I had, like I just knew I was going to keep it, per keep it.

Well, I mean because I help her. Like when we got pregnant, I was twenty six, twenty seven. Yeah, so I mean we're past the like unacceptable way.

I'm twenty seven.

I've been with my man at this point for like five years, you know.

Mature adult. Yeah, and she's like kind of in high school. I think I had started to feel more maternal in that last year for some reason.

A little bit more probably age. Yeah, And so I just went for it.

And here I'm blessed of my little Ivy Jane Yay. Now we have children that are friends and very annoying friends, but it's still very nice.

But yeah, So I think you know, if you live in the world that we live, which is Instagram, like you see people and they have their babies and and they're like they've lost all the weight or there are suddenly their baby wait turned into like like like musa video vixen body, or like they're.

Madly in love.

They've just got engaged and had a huge fat ring and fee a huge house.

And yeah, and like we're going on walks and they're all watching.

I think it's just so like confusing for someone who like has most part of it is seeing that as a first time parent and they're just like, what, like, what's wrong with me? Why am I not? Like, first of all, am I why don't I look like that?

Yet? It's not even about love.

Why don't I feel like that? I feel why I don't want to go to the park. Why do I want to Why would I want to go to the park. Everything's here, honestly.

Like the day I left the hospital, they put me in the car and I got home, I was like I felt like a child that got dropped off by our for the like wha, wait your late wait hold on, I'm not ready to go yet. Like I know, I still get out of here, but are you The nurse is not coming with me?

Like I felt in shock, like I was in shock. And then after like three days sitting in my house, it was raining and shit, I think.

Her dad went to work, and I was just like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my.

God, this is my life. This little bitchmull get off of my nipple. I'm gonna come on.

And then like I was cleaning and she fell asleep and I was cleaning, and I was like zoned out, and oh shit, that baby, check on that baby. I was like, I just it was It's like the hugest transition I've ever experienced.

And immediately I'm like, oh my god, how am I?

My stomach got really dark, because like the hormones, like the stretching.

I was like, I'm never gonna be wear bathing suit. I'm not sexy, I'm not spicy. I'm not spicy Jam. Then who am I like, Mama Jam, Like, who's that person? It seems we don't know. I'm still figuring it out right this ban hence the show.

You've fee one way your whole life and then you have to take care of another life and shit kind of so I'm like, you're not you who you are, but everything changes. And that's how I felt. I felt when when I went home, I was like, I mean, I was just like, oh my god, like is she alive?

She okay?

Like always just always so nervous, there's no hand and the most tired I've ever been in my life.

It comes this daunting cloud that comes. Ever you're like, oh my god, this is my life now. It's just heavy. It's so tired.

I try to explain to my friends I don't have kids, or like maybe are pregnant, like our girlfriend is pregnant, and I'm just trying to tell explain and sometimes I have flashbacks and I'm like I thought I knew that I'd be tired like before when I before I had a baby, I'm like, okay, yeah you're tired.

I get it. I'm gonna be so tired.

Then until your art You're like this is beyond tired. This is some other shit. And that's where like it's just like can get confusing. The tiredness can make you depressed. And if you don't have breaks and if you don't have someone to a support system, it's really difficult.

And then it's just like you're you're feeding the baby, you're changing the baby, You're bathing with the baby, you're getting the baby dressed, the baby's sleeping with you. There was a moment I got home to the hospital and like my baby's daddy was like here on my cheeks. The baby was like right under me, and I was.

Like I was like, oh my god, I can't breathe.

And then like maybe like six six later, he was trying to like the baby went to sleep, probe me for sex.

I'm like, oh my god, I'm a machine. Like I decided, I like you is give I give right.

I felt like I was getting depleted, like my energy was just going to this baby. Now you you just put your dick out right, like, put that shit away. First of all, we just had a baby. You see that where that gets us? You got to fuck away from me from that thing. Don't ever pull it out again.

It was pits. Oh my god, it's so true. You do you feel like the giving tree?

Yes, like wait, hold the fuck up. This is what I this is what I signed up for. And then I think there's like it's because you know what, a lot.

Of it, like I said, in social media plays a part because men are looking at these women that have babies and they're just out and about looking sexy and their stollers and look fuckable, like you're just living this great post baby life and they're like, why isn't my wife looking are doing this? It's because most of those women aren't doing this either.

And then we live in this fucked up society where like we said, like, no one discusses this real shit about what happens after you have a baby. Literally after I gave birth and I laughed, I was like, my vagina hurts.

No one talk to me about that.

No.

I was like, don't laugh, Like, no one talks to me, like you always think about the birth. It's gonna be so hard a da da dah, and then but then you have then you're bleeding, you're fucking pussy hearts.

You can't laugh hard. It's weird, like these are none of the things. Nobody mentions this shit. And then even within the mom community, I feel like there was a lot of pressure to be like we have like this mom image, you.

Know, like you schoos to be fucking Susie Homemaker.

After you have a kid, automatically, you birth the baby, you come up looking like Susie. You know, like, no, it's not what happens. And if you don't like live up to that, then you're like, something's wrong with me.

No, for sure, it's true.

I mean there's just yeah, it's just I mean I didn't wash my like do my hair for like weeks. I don't even know if that's postpartum. I think that's just the first four weeks also. But then if you just keep it going, we're going and going, you know what I mean, Like you have to get you have even though like literally your life is never the same.

Because that was my thing.

I was like, I think postpartum depression is such like people don't like to talk about it because it can be really embarrassing. The thoughts that you have some parents have. I fortunately did not have these thoughts, but I know that it pops up all the time in postpartum, that women feel like they want to hurt their child, that they have bad thoughts, that they feel totally disconnected from their child. And that's the worst thing that you can feel, or feel judged by, feel.

Judged for as a woman. You know what I mean.

We're supposed to be these like maternal like beings, right, and that's not true.

We don't come in maternal. We learn it because you know, I could.

Only be as maternal as you know your experience and if you've never had kids, right. Even I think I went to the I had got the doctor maybe like a week after I gave birth, or maybe a few days because I had high blood pressure. And I was in the waiting room at that OpEd my inn and the baby Luna starts crying, getting fussy, and I remember like shaking her, bouncing, and I remember all the women looking at me, and I just got this.

I was like, oh my god, everybody's looking at me. She won't shut up. I'm doing it wrong. I just touched your position. A couple of times unless she put my blue rock. I was with my my, her dad's mom, and she was looking at me. I just felt I just had to step up.

I took the baby and I stepped outside because I felt so much pressure that the other women who probably already had kids were like that, there's just no.

She's doing well. You did it, you did it, you know.

I mean I took baby classes and everything in the moment she came. I mean, I have to say though the moment she came, I knew how to hold her.

I know that for sure, it does come natually, but it is still a very scary experience. But it's over.

When she came home, we were alone, just met her and her dad. I was like, and then he left for like I don't know, to go get food.

I was like, wait, what right? Any way coming on? Are you okay? Like are you reading?

And then just once I finally adjusted to being a mother, and I still I just then I just felt I was like, okay, I'm getting the hang of this. I haven't been out in months and I looked terrible. I'm still I'm still there's something, there's something different for me. Nothing's ever going to be the same again, and that's true. Nothing is ever the same again, and in the best

Teach men about that. They don't. They don't.

Men don't even understand, even if if they get taught or whatever. It's hard for no men understands how a woman feels after you.

Literally women don't even know I understand how they feel.

Like our bodies are flushed out, like we gave birth and everything that we've been like incubating and holding in is just suddenly depleted.

For other babies just like that. Yeah, and we're supposed to be just fine. Your hormones are literally raging. It's that. It's that it's literally an influx.

In your hormones or whatever readjustment. But it takes time to adjust to that. And honestly, as soon as I came home when I was sitting on that couch alone and overwhelmed. I saw immediately how postpartum depression can easily even how any woman who does how the baby can easily fall into a form of depression because there's this major transition and adjustment that nobody talks about.

And no, it's crazy.

And we did a little bit of research and found out that one in seven women suffer from postpartum depression.

Which is a lot. That's a huge number.

And it's even crazier is like four million, So four million live births a year, six hundred thousand of those women that have those children are going to experience postpartum depression. That's more than someone who has breast cancer, cervical cancer, a stroke, all those combined. These women there, there's more cases of postpartum depression than all those things combined to women.

So it's it's seriously a thing. And then it's a thing.

After looking at these stats, I was like, damn, Like like I was like really, I thought like I was alone. And then I talked to my other girlfriend who experienced it pretty badly, a lot more severe than I did, and she was embarrassed to talk about it and to hear her talk about it was like wow, wow. I mean if I have felt the way that, if I had those thoughts, like suicidal thoughts and thoughts of hurting my child, I don't know who I would feel comfortable talking about.

That with either, because you feel guilty.

Those so shamed, like ashamed, like who am I that I'm thinking of killing my kid? But it's common and it happens. And because it's so shamed, it's such a it's so look that it's so shameful, and people don't discuss it and people are embarrassed.

To talk about it. Forty percent of those cases go undiagnosed. So there's four million, like six.

Hundred thousand women developed this and forty percent are not even cases are not diagnosed. I mean, imagine how many people experiencing it and not a not knowing and be not getting help.

Right, No, it's crazy.

And how many kids actually get harmed as a result or abandoned or actually moms kill themselves. The suicide rate and among postpartum women is pretty high too.

It's pretty high. Yeah, especially the kids. It's just like they don't know why mommy is disconnected from them. Why is and even when you're even as a child, as a as a baby, a newborn, you're you all, you're you're just like this new thing in this world and you don't have anything except your mother, right, and she's who you writ from. You Like, can you imagine what that what kind of effect that has on like a baby's brain?

Well, whenever, what did our stats say? Eleven percent?

No?

No, there was a study on eleven year olds who.

Oh yeah, eleven year olds who's whose parents suffered from post part of depression, and they had considerably lower IQs.

I mean we don't I'm not sure what the variable or in that research, but I mean I can I can see how important it is to bond with your kid and those to those you know, initial moments, and that not happening does affect your kids, even if they are just newborns and you think that it doesn't, that emotional like connect is it's pretty important. Yeah.

I mean these like suicidal deaths account for twenty two percent of postpartum mortalities.

Like that's that's just twenty two percent of the lot.

That's just not okay, And it's kind it's like some people know like I'm depressed. Other people I think postparty we can be confusing because you have this beautiful baby.

So you're like, I'm not depressed, what I have this kid. We're good where I'm happy.

And then you're like, I'm not happy and I'm so horrible, like I'm never gonna be able to go out again. Like everyone hates me. I'm I'm fat, I'm not pretty. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He's cheating on me.

Like all these different vagina hurts. My vagina hurts. My vagina is not the same, right or yeah, like you know, like you just have all these did you tear? I had a sea section? Oh right, I forgot. Yeah, I don't recommend it.

Yeah, that's a whole different thing. I mean imagine yeah, even having a sea section. Imagine having a newborn and then having to recover from.

A major surgery.

They like to remove your like, don't they remove your your intestines. They're like they take everything out of your stomach, then hit the baby out, then place it back.

That's a major surgery. So people are like, oh, I want to schedule see section. No, bitch, you.

Don't, because you're like signing up for a newborn plus recovering from a major surgery where they just removed your intendance.

And put them on the table. Hell no, let's just try to push it out the canal. If we can't.

I don't know how people opt for that, like to each his own. But because there's not there's not information, it's on my mind like I had, like meant try to at least mentally prepare for what birth, childbirth would be like. And I just knew I was gonna have my child vaginally, you know what I mean, Like she was gonna come out of there. We were gonna have this bonding experience where she comes out.

I have this whole vision.

Quality because they have they have these videos were like their mother would pull them out, place the baby, the baby on their stomach. Baby like inches up to the boh where to go. I've never seen the newborn inch up to anywhere. It seems like like a national weldlife so beautiful.

I've never seen a new born crawl. I really will not crawl, but like wiggle, you know. But you know what, And that's a good point.

Because I had this whole birth story that was going to birth at home, just me and my baby's saddy. I wanted to do like an unassistant hippie home birth, which is totally insane.

But what's insane it's yeah, maybe maybe baby too.

Yeah, I would still try again, but because I had like high blood pressure pre clamped.

Yet, I had to go to the hospital, which was totally not in my plan. I did not want to the hospital.

But you know what that initial welcome to motherhood was like, yeah, bitch, you thought you had a plan.

Now you don't. It was like you used to it.

They don't plan, they don't like, let me, this is this is how you get started from motherhood.

Bitch, fuck your plans.

So yeah, here I am not going by.

Any of those plans. Yeah, no, I guess you're right. It's it's true.

I've learned so many lessons just like that, because I have that initial crawling out of my room, drinking fresh milk easily messed milk easily as just gonna on perfectly's going to just flow out to her, Look at shining face, blow a kids off eyeliner on right, not look like

But I didn't really have My doctor wasn't very being very supportive. They're not gonny because he's not going to make money, I know.

And I also had no friends with children or that I've ever given birth, so I had like no one to talk to, like except my mom. But like I was like, a bang, mom, there are no old school I know, so I didn't and then which I will not old school because I wanted.

When I told her I wanted to give birth at home, she was like, why.

No, Yeah, that's well they're old school in the sense like their hospitals.

Yeah.

Like my grandmother was like, oh yeah, who cares, they've been doing that. My mom was like, are you crazy? You're gonna die.

So there's like you can see how the trend shifts.

That's a whole different episode because I'm a huge I think I should have been a midwife.

Or still can. But I do want to.

I do want to do a topic about like the options for you know, the type of childbirth through because there are options.

I know, there are so many When I was researching, I wanted to do to a water birth.

They had these water birthing centers you could go to.

Oh yeah, I think it's just like I feel like it's like one of the most It just makes sense to be birthed into water.

You've been in water in your smooth transition and your comfort zone. Right you think Ricky lakele covenor show.

Ricky Please, I love born. That was one of the reasons I was convinced. I went and got a midwife. But then he, like, you know, baby Daddy didn't really support it. He was had that old school mentality too. And you know, I was already kind of nervous about everything, Like I was like the strictest like pregnant person, Like never did I have one piece of tiny sushi?

Like really did I.

I would not eat cheese like certain cheeses, and like I was like I need anything could happen.

You know, that is so not my personality. That's how my personality eat.

I've been in Japan or eating sushi pregnant day, let's go kind of farly.

It is my personality.

I didn't realize I was like that until I got pregnant and I was like, whatever you say goes.

And so I think because of that, I just my doctor was like, do you tell me still birthstart delivered from home birth?

Oh my god, that's an evil fucking thing for him to say.

So like, yeah, that's shit, Like that's the likelihood is low, but it's there. Just do your first they'd like to tell you the point five person first birth in the hospital, the second birth. Once you get through it, you can do it that way. Blah blah blah blah blah. And then when I was a week late, she was like, Okay, we got to induce you. Baby's getting too big. Meanwhile, Like I.

Was just with a girlfriend last night and she told me her friend delivered a ten pound baby.

I was like, bitch, if people go like ten days, two weeks, after days, ever even eight pounds, like I could have waited another week. Everybody has this is the biggest thing.

Everybody has different pregnancies, everybody has different styles of motherhood, everybody has different deliveries.

Like it's everybody does different shit.

And I think like if we can embraced that more as like a village of moms and there's less judging and less like these these standards of what it looks like to be a good mom. People would a be more honest and be be less fucking surprised when that baby gets out and it's not looking like Martha.

Stewart up in here.

And you know, we could, if we could have a real conversation about the reality of motherhood. Like it's it's beautiful, it's wonderful, but there's a downside, not a downside, but like you.

Know when they say it takes a fucking village girl, Like I think back on like I think back like when I was like living in when I was a Native American, But you know, they had, like they had support women of the village that like took care of whatever child was born, like took turns, gave that mother a break. I just feel like postpartum was probably non existent then because everybody.

It was down to participating. It's so important.

And my point is is participation is so important, especially if you have the part if you have a partner, if you're with the father or the mother or whatever whatever your sexual preferences, whatever, whoever you're with, they need to be they need to know the ways to support

I know, I'm that type of way. I don't like to ask for help for things.

I want you to know, like I made this choice to have this baby, or I go to kill it, and then sometimes I don't kill it, and I'm like tired and I'm not doing well because I'm burning myself on both.

Ends and it's like it's physically exhausting and it's mentally exhausting, Like there's a huge mental you know, physically your body's going through you've made your fucking changes, and then mentally.

You're like it's a huge challenge too. So for spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever.

Yeah, you do have Like it's important that you educate yourself on the signs of if your you know a partner is experiencing these types of things, because a it's good to protect the child because some people do have extreme cases where they want to hurt the child and hurt themselves.

And you know, you need to be able to be aware of it.

To support them, we did some additional research.

Some of the symptoms were only road one two. My notes, this is why high school was bad for me. I know it's say, disconnect with the baby.

If you feel a disconnection with your baby and you don't want to hold it, or you just feeling rude.

Out the other one's Erica, Yeah, I know you feel disconnected from the baby. You feel like useless, tired, want to You're gonna be tired. You're gonna be tired. There's just there's no getting around it. Just because you're tired doesn't mean you have part of depression.

Like that is normal.

I feel like everybody has feels farm depression, and to some extent. I mean, I'm sure there's like those instant moms that like that hot one with all the kids who are still skinny.

This is a fair stage. She looks like she never experienced anything like it.

She I don't even know where her baby existed, like like I don't know it was. But then she has a beautiful, big baby and I'm like, yeah, bitch, where the fuck was this baby?

And the belly some people have big ribs or like you looks so small. She did she looks like you. You guys were the same size, but even I had a big ass belly. That was insane because we me and her were pregnant at the same time.

Yeah, and I was looking at her Instagram, I'd be like, I'll be over here, seventy pounds heavier, like.

Maybe I just had my baby when I saw her. But even you know, at my homegirls, that's another thing.

Me and Erica became friends, like I guess the girls were so small, but after we had kids, but so a lot of.

My friends don't have kids or hadn't had kids yet either.

And my girlfriend was like, why aren't you dressing cute when I'm pregnant. I'm gonna dressed so cute, and I'm dressed so cute when I'm pregnant, Like, get dress, what's wrong with you?

You're not doing your hair. You look a mess.

I wanted to say, bitch, I will beat you with this fucking boot, okay.

Because you don't.

You think it's all fun, it's fluffy and cute, and I'm like, I mean, I've had some cute days, like twice and you know, like the ones to bur bikini, but your body changes so quickly.

Even me, I'm skinny, I don't.

I mean, I've always wanted to be thicker, but I've never had any like major body images issues because in my head I think I.

Am thick and tall. But literally, when.

Your body starts to gain weight that rapidly, it is a strange ass feeling like you carry a child within the nine you feel like an alien, like a nine month span, and you just start to bulge in one place like you're first of all, I'm a houchie, like I'm number one hoochie mom of the year if you if you didn't know, I have self proclaimed that title. So none of my clothes fit and I refuse to buy maternity clothes. I'm like, I'm gonna be skinny, like in six months.

I don't need to.

Do this, But literally, I think I want to see my uncles weight like this little summer dress. He's like Jamilla, it looks like Nicki Minaj.

I'm like, you shut the fuck up. Okay, this is all that fits. Only three more months of this ship. You shut the fuck up. I look good, Okay, I look good. I can see you. You shut the fuck I was pissed. COUCHI Mama, No, I've bought. I had to bur it buy things. But I'm not so large.

I just lived in spandex SPANX and sweats and I have bun And then like.

If I want to be cute, I'll put like see laur.

I pour a hot stars like the African heads are literally for like six months.

I'm like that you must do your hair. You have to because I also have this like naturalist stage. I shaved my.

Head and then I let it grow back and I had afro and I was like, Okay, this is not gonna work. I'm really trying to be natural and hippie and like power to the people.

And then I go to the club and I'm like, oh no, I'm not gonna work in la. I don't know.

I mean, it's my insecurities and I used to my normal hairs.

But yeah, I feel you. I feel you.

Okay, back to the symptoms crying for no apparent reason. I definitely did that, yeah, but I thought like it was for like I thought that it was maybe because like me, like when you Another thing I don't talk about also is how trying it is on your relationship. If you're in a relationship, married, boyfriend, whatever, when you have a.

Kid, like your relationship is going to change.

It doesn't mean for the worst, but it's gonna challenge your relationship because suddenly it's not about each other anymore. You don't have time, like as a woman, I'm sure like you don't have time, like we were just talking about, like don't come near me with your dick, like, stay away, it's not about you. I've done enough for you. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wha, what do you mean?

They're like, what's wrong? Why don't you want to you know? Or you're like yeah, yeah I do, and so you know, at.

A party or and also men kind of can get to continue on living their life.

Yeah, like nothing change, nothing changes for them, which I mean they feel don't.

I don't want say nothing.

I'm not trying to like devalue their feelings because a lot of men will be like, well, i'm working, I'm working double time now now I have a family to rise.

Hopefully that's the kind of thing you're with.

Anyway, So uh yes, huh, Okay, guys go back over there, go and sit on the couch and watch Pepa. Yeah uh so, yeah, I mean, but they they get to go back to work, They get to go feel a.

Sense of flamingo floating. What's happening? I don't love what? Why should I trying to like? Everything?

Is that?

Take on a ride? I don't know. That is a very small flamingo floating. I think it's for a cup. And my daughter is sliding see the floor with it, she's writing it. It's very strange.

But yes, I think men and I don't want to discredit the man's feeling like I was saying, because I know that they most good men will go and work extra hours because they know the baby's coming, or try to just figure out.

You got to figure it out. Shit, kids aren't cheap. But at the same time, like you, guys get to go to work.

Even going to work, you get if you're if you're going to work hopefully, if you have a job you like, you feel a sense of achievement, you feel like you're working towards something. You get to get out of your house, you get to feel like something other.

Than a father for eight hours.

Whereas mothers that are like living at home or at home off of work for the next three to four months, and this is their whole life. It's it's it's intense, like feeling like, oh my god, this is I'm a mother.

Now that's it. I think I said only a mother.

As soon as I started to get those feelings of like panicking, I remember taking learn into them all like sixty days old. I didn't have to get at the mall. I didn't need shit. I just was like, Okay, time to get out the house. Let's get let's get this movie. Let's show the baby the world. The baby just through the world. She's curious. I was like, I think I got back to work.

I think I went back to work like two weeks later.

I just took the baby with me because I was bored to death and I didn't I felt like my life was dwindling away, like my normalcy, and I didn't want to just like I've always had this fear, even as like a kid, I'd be like a frum by van driving like T shirt wearing mom, and I never wanted to be that, Like I want to be like going on the go and like still fly and hot, so I was.

Just like, I think my anxiety kicked in the opposite way, like I didn't want to not.

Look No, mine was the other way. Mine was the other way because I could. I took time off, you know what I mean, I had the time off. I also, you know, I was acting, and when I was doing stuff for work, like I was always on camera. So like I took the time off, and I was so happy I didn't have to be on camera. I was like, I cannot, you know, I don't feel comfortableing on here.

You're not sleeping the same ever.

Again, No interesting your baby thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby that's the biggest one.

I mean, that's the one that's I mean with that, if you're experiencing that, you need to recognize that that's what it is, and you need to ask anyone you can think of who you trusts, to take the baby and go check in somewhere and get help, because there is help and it does exist, and it's normal. It's not like you're a monster. You're not a bad person. It's just like the hormones are real.

That shit is real.

Yeah, Like feeling feelings of guilt and worthlessness, I felt that way. I felt feelings of guilt and worth worthlessness.

Maybe it's a guilt stemming from I think I felt guilty.

I felt guilty like I never felt like I was doing it, like I wasn't good enough, like it was never doing enough to be a good mother, like I have those feelings now. Then I felt guilty, like leaving, like if I ever wanted to leave, Like it's too early to leave.

I'm leaving. I'm guilty, I'm not a good mom. I shouldn't go do this.

I stay here all the time, like I wanted to, like get away. But then I also felt guilty about getting away That's another thing that was.

Like those weird pressures and expectations and shit that people put on you, because people have all, oh you're leaving already, Oh you're going already, are you sure?

Oh you want to go out? Or you're drinking. You know, it's like, yeah, bitch, I haven't drinking nine fucking months. I'm gonna kill myself. Do you think it's true? It's true.

I mean there's so many different signs, and like I think, like I was saying, it's so important that if you have if you do have a partner, your family members, like if you're listening to this and maybe you're not a mother or or like maybe you have someone in your life that is going to be or is but maybe your wife or your sister or whatever. There's just different ways that you can help someone who's going through postpartum.

I mean it sounds like I just asking are you cool? Like my mom kept asking like fifty million times, like how are you feeling? And my mom, what are you talking about? Now? I see what she was like trying to get at. But you know, sometimes you gotta be straight up.

Yeah, sometimes you gotta be straight up, and then you know, making sure that if they do know they're in postpartum, letting them know that this is not their fault, because it's not. They can't control it. All they can do is try their best to make maybe take steps in like in a more positive way to try to get out of it. Yeah, it's not guaranteed to work, but I mean shit.

And then we've even touched on in our research. We haven't discussed yet the postpartum that women who've experienced miscarriages are still births experience, which I can only imagine is on a completely different level.

That's like something that people never talk about. Never.

It's like you don't talk about how you feel after an abortion. It's like it's like it's done.

It's done.

Abortion was not on the list. It was a miscarriage or so guilty collegence. I mean, I mean the same thing. Though they need to add that to.

The less because even though it's a choice, choice still hurts.

But had to well, no, sometimes you have to get abortions too, Like I feel like your life is in danger, you.

Know, like some people have like bad pregnant bag child burbs or whatever, you know, Like yeah, I mean, I mean I had an.

Abortion in like or like you're raped or like.

I mean, I actually met someone who was the product of a rape. I think it was like a Christian a Christian camp. She talked to us, So even that made me feel a certain way. So, I mean, this is not a conversation about pro life for poor choice, because obviously we're both pro choice, right Huh.

Come on, I quit, come on, I can't go further me. Actually, I'm very prolific. We found horrible make America great.

But I mean, but that is actually a good that's a good ad because it's true. Even though I mean, people take away from that, especially young girls or people don't want to tell their parents or whatever, because that was you know, that's the case. I'm damn grateful for the high school since you play in parenthood because I mean, yeah, think about it.

Just think about a girl who's in high school who like, doesn't want to get an abortion, but doesn't know how to tell her parents, and she doesn't have any education, so she goes against the abortion that maybe she didn't have to get, you know what I mean, maybe she does, maybe the baby wasn't going to live a great life, but now she's depressed because she didn't feel like she had any other choice, and.

She didn't even know that what post part of it is or that she's experiencing it.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is that a late term abortion, because miscarriages and abortions can happen in the same time in the time same time frame, I mean, you know, because I mean.

One is farther long than the other.

Yeah. And then like I found myself like I've been insensitive before, Like I know someone she's kind of young, so maybe that's where I'm like judging. She had like a miscarriaget like ten weeks and she got like the time tattooed on her and she's like always wants to like put Mother's Day, Like, well, maybe she was really looking forward to I know. But I'm like, okay, that makes me sound like a bitch.

Well, I mean I get it, I get it. You're like, girl, you aren't.

You don't need that child, You're not you It's like, I mean, so you're not ready for that child.

Yeah, it's just a bit much. But I mean, who am I'm never had a miscarriage.

I mean I can understand more so like someone miscarriaging after four, five, six months, especially.

Like a still birth after you've carried a child.

You know what about the people that are like I been trying to get preged for a long time and then they do, and then they you know, it's just it's just there's so many different like ways either way.

If you're pregnant once and then you're not, you can experience most partum.

Because it is hard. And then there's also the notes and a natal depression. I just played that word today, which is eleven point five percent people experience, and that's usually within your third try master that's before you give birth, which I didn't even know that she existed.

I didn't even know this word. And a natal now you know it, but that exists too.

So if you're in your you know, you're getting big and fat and it's time about that time and you're feeling depressed, that's also a thing. So it's not anything to like maybe I had that because you saw like towards the end, yeah, I mean, you know what, it's also hard to differentiate because at the end you're so fat and so uncomfortable and so out of breath.

You don't know if it's depression or you're just pissed.

Like my friend literally right now, just text me Nishe shout out to nishe hang, and she just wrote, I'm waddling. Yeah, I think at birth in like next month, and she's literally, I'm waddling.

I feel different today than I did four days ago. What the fuck? That's literally what she just texted me, right, because that shit is real. Four days can go by and you feel like you just grew times four. Yeah, yeah, it's true. It's like you just I mean, it's a bizarre, trippy experience. It's so bizarre. It's bizarre.

And I would really say that the birth part was like the least not bizarre, like the it's not the least trying.

I guess the whole thing is pretty intense. The whole thing is very intense. Did you, oh mae see section ocause?

Okay, so I didn't want to have a berth in the hospital, but I did, and I didn't want to get a pre a epidural because I was on some hippie shit, but then two days later I did. So as I'm giving birth, they ask you if you wanted the mirror like to watch it, and I said, hell, yeah, Like, I don't know how manyime I'm gonna do this.

I'm about to I want to see this shit.

And literally in my birth video you can hear me say her head comes out. I said, oh my god, Oh my god, this is crazy.

And I said, oh my god, this is crazy. It is crazy. It looks like I feel like I was in the movie Alien.

I was so dragged down and see anything. I'm so jealous that you got to see that girl. I was a little uh whatever the back one, but I was fully aware to see that baby pop out of that koushi and I was like, this looks insane, dude.

I mean it's cool to think of, like where the where the portal, Like we are the closet bert trap.

Earth is the closest thing you'll ever get to the Maker, whoever you believe in, whatever you believe is on the other side.

We literally become the portal for the he the Heaven's gate to Earth. So it is like I always think of it as a rite of passage too, Like it's a it's an intense experience, but once you get over the hump and the transition, you know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

There is there's you know, there's a few ways I think that. I mean, I know helped me get out of Sorry, let me tell that Peter's thoughts to die.

There is I mean, I know there's been a few ways that really helped me get out of my postpartum depression. I kind of just one day I lived in the mirror and I was just like, I am so tired.

Of feeling like this.

Like it's like it's like I hit my my breaking point, and I was like I just had to remember, like how who I was before this, and that's and I'm still that person.

And it's like you start feeling like no, you're not. No, you're not you don't look say or you're not allowed to be that person.

Yeah, you're you're not allowed to be. Like I can't do I can't. I can't do this, I can't do that. I can't smoke weed, I can't go get drunk, I can't look at me, I can't party, I can't travel, I can't, I can't.

There's so many fucking I can't. But that doesn't exist. That's bullshit. No, it really doesn't exist.

It's in your head and it's in everybody else's head. And anyone who thinks that flocked.

Them seriously fuck them. It's everything you can you can't, okay.

And one of the first thing that really helped me get out of it was working out. I know it sounds so taboo like it sounds like, oh yeah, of course working out, but like, seriously, you have got to get out of your house. And it doesn't mean you have to go like run a mile, like just start with the walk around the block, you know, like even if I'm with your stroller or like maybe you need to like be like love, husband, wife, grandma, I need

Demand it. Yeah, I need.

Help, and you need don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't try to do everything on your own. And then meditation helped me. And I'm like, I'm like the fake hippie over here. It looks more hippie than me, but I do do I really do meditate. I try to meditate every day I get I skip, like I'll.

Go in silence or you have like a thing.

I do and I like guided meditations, yeah, because I'm That's what I was gonna ask you. So I like the app headspace, I really like a lot. Oh, it's really good. Headspace is good. Sometimes I put on YouTube videos. Sometimes if I go on a hike, I'll just take a.

Second and just sit, not too long so I don't fall asleep. You can fall asleep on a hike if I'm comfy.

Sometimes I like to do Nomino home rang gyey kyo, nommeo ho rang ye kyos because then I remember to like be mindful and not fall asleep.

Yoga helped me because.

I was doing hot yoga, so I was like working out intensely sweating, so I felt like it was so uncomfortable that my brain I literally couldn't think of anything because when I was in my depression, I was just always had anxiety, always thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking that what was my future?

What's my future?

Did I do Launce? I make enough milk for her for me to go be here right now?

Did I?

You know?

And so it kind of shut that down for me.

And I was also like working on a losing weight at the same time, so I saw results. I was like, I saw results mentally and physically.

Yoga is a big deal.

I didn't realize what a big deal it was until like right after I got out of my relationship, I went I started to do yoga a little bit, and I went to yoga class and I've got into a stretch and literally I just started to cry, and I'm like, this is weird.

I'm not even like a cry baby type bitch.

So but later yoga check it told me she's like she she stretched one way and she was like, I was just laughing hysterically.

I didn't know why.

And then I stretched the other leg a certain way and I just start to ball out of control. And she's like telling us how different stretches of different places in your body physically can.

Hold different emotions. So I mean, you know our physical selves.

That really that yoga does intertwine with the meditative spiritual growth too.

That's a good.

One that And Okay, so if your if your postpartum is really bad, I mean any type of postpartum, if you can go seek help, go talk to someone about it. Because I didn't realize I had postpartum until I go to therapy, and so like, I didn't realize I had postpartum until I was in therapy. She told you, she didn't even tell me. I was like, I came to

I need to go see someone.

And she was diagnosed with it, So don't feel ashamed about talking about it with people. You need to talk to your partner about it. You need she needs to educate themselves. You know, they need to be reliable. They need to be reliable for you during that time. Like if you are dealing with someone who has postpartum, it is so important that you're reliable for them. If you say you're gonna be home at seven, be home at seven, yeah, please don't be home at ten.

No.

And that's not just some like woman like needy shit, that's like real, like we need a break.

Yeah, and guys or whoever like, don't I've seen my friends do this or people like don't don't like cop out with the you're the mom, but you're the mom, but you're I've heard that.

She's so many times I'm like, and I'm gonna kill you. I'm the mom that was on snapped.

And you didn't mind making me a mom, right, so help? Yeah, And and try to just just help out do things without her asking. That's damn near impossible. I know that this, this this tip is damn near impossible for y'all. Okay, Like for those that are self aware, try to do some housework, anything to make her life a little bit easier without her having to ask.

She needs to feel appreciated.

Like if you're just chilling on the couch and she's trying to get dressed, get the baby, right, if you can assist in getting the baby dressed, do that, because.

You know what I'll say.

Also, I feel like, no matter how much your partner helps, you're gonna you're gonna still feel like, oh fuck, everything's on me.

Yeah, you're still gonna resent them a little bit. That's normal because that's let's be real, that's mom. That's like the part of the role.

Of the mone We have a bigger role initially, and sometimes we resent them for that.

Yeah, but it's just the way of the world. Like they don't have breast milk, Yeah, it's not there. They can't hate them for it. Yes, I do.

Another thing I experienced, which I don't think is necessarily depression, But this is just for people who are just having kids.

Did you experience like I.

Would have really off the wall thoughts like oh my god, what if she falls down, rolls off the cliff, Like I would think of really extreme situations like oh my god, what if that falls.

On her head? Like I would just think of super and I and my friend had to tell me she has three kids, and she was like, no, that's normal.

But that's your body training you to be prepared, prepared for anything.

It's not weird. You're not having that Mama Bear's like, you're not having dark thoughts.

You're just thinking of all the possibilities, which is that's that's normal as a mom.

Like Okay, get down, because I no, I'm not saying them get down. I say because you.

Know, you're just like your brain is beginning to train to basically have your ears and eyes open in a fifty mile radius at all times.

Right, No, for sure, for sure?

And I think also making sure you get her out date night once a.

Week, want to get cute, get a sitter, whatever you got to do. You can do once a week. It doesn't have to you don't have to spend money.

You just go on a walk together, like seriously, like anything to make But you know, taking her out.

On a date was always ideal. I mean if your.

Because I want to like ideally take her somewhere where she needs to get dressed so she can get out.

Of Mommy's an event she needs to.

Get out of mommy from led her to you're taking her somewhere nice. You would have to spend that coin that day, so you're gonna have to save all week, but trust me.

It's worth it for the headache that you'll be resolved from exactly.

So I just think like that, and then also being patient with her sex drive because I think a lot's a lot of pressure too.

We just gave a birth and now you want to put hormones affect that too. Yeah, Like I wasn't horning it all during pregnans me neither at all.

Like all I was like the most yeasty I've ever been in my life, and I wanted to kill myself and I didn't want a dick to be anywhere close to like get that ship out of my face. So like slowly after it came back. But yeah, yeah, be patient, I know. And you know, look, Pamela goes a long way, fellas. I know you guys do it all day anyway, what does it.

Pamela, Pamela, Oh, Papa.

I was like, palm oil. Who's that a new masturbation oil? Organic? Like jacking off? Oh yeah yeah. Just and and one more.

Last advice for moms. I think in general, you know, like you just have to relax, like chill out. Baby's gonna be babies, babies are gonna cry. Don't take everybody's advice so literally, like if you listen to everybody, you'll stress yourself the fuck out. Stay in tune with yourself, like do what the fuck you want to do. Connect with who you used to be because you're still that person. You don't have to transform into this new woman. And just don't like helicopter kid your kid all the time.

Like people sho developed that habit after baby too.

But I'm like super chillaxed because even my friends, I'm like, girl, let her live, she's fine.

Is she killing anyone? She's fine? You know.

And I think some people have like all these pressures from like how they're supposed to mom or what their their kids are supposed to do and their kids are supposed to behave and like the kids are kids, their children, they're learning, and it's okay to like allow them to do that.

So don't feel like you have to like be a certain way.

No, you don't, you really don't. I fell into that, I feel like, and it took me a while. I don't even know why I fell into it. It's like this wasn't anyone's fault except my own, but I just felt like, no, I can't do this anymore. I can't do that anymore.

It took me a while to like, can I wear this on somebody's mom? No, but she if I can fit it, I can wear. It wasn't the clothes. It was more like what I could.

Do socially, Yeah, yeah, Like I can't be out here, like I'm not.

I can't. I can't get high. I'm tired already, and plus like what do I look like being high?

Right?

And like also like the father and my child's.

Non stop and I would be so annoyed when I was pregnant and he would be smoking all the time, and I'd be like, oh, so you can just smoke all the time.

Then yeah, like you're not supposed to.

Then it became like you're not supposed to stow because you're gonna be a dad too, you better figure.

Out not to be sober like me. Well, no, when I said this, if I'm.

Pregnant, motherfucker, so are you pretend right support me? I mean I smoked a little bit throughout my pregnancy, Lonuza gones your baby.

I wasn't cheafing every fucking five second. I smoked. I tried to smoke, but honestly, I just didn't even want it.

I smoked a few times, like a few little puffs, and I was like, oh, same with drinking, like I didn't even want I did want a margarita, which I didn't have.

Guys, don't worry, which would have been fine if I didn't, if you do, like, no, I did it, but I didn't. But that's that's also placed into my whole thing that I was very like I was buried by the book during my pant I ate sushi. I ate chese cold cuts. I'm just kidding any cold cuts, but you know you made sushi. I didn't eat those cold cuts, but sushi raw sushi. I banged out some sushi.

I didn't think about it twice because I thought women in Japan are eating pregnant sushi, you know, And it's.

Not about that, I think more so as America and our food is Probably it was a mercury. I mean that it's fine. So yeah's she.

Does like shrimp way too much for a three year old. She thinks that's the only dish that exists, So that's probably my fault.

But oh my god, well, I don't know if I have anything else to contribute to this conversation.

I mean, and this conversation can keep going forever, and this is.

This is like the tip of the iceberg when it comes to it, because there's so many different aspects of postpartum depression, like we talked about.

But I hope that we were like somewhat informative.

And I mean, if not informative, at least like if you are experiencing this about to experience it or have at least you don't feel crazy, because I know I was feeling crazy.

Yeah, but you know, there's other real as.

Women out here just like you that are experiencing the same thing, so you're not alone.

And if you do experience these things.

It's okay to call a friend or get some help, and it's not it's not weird.

And if you don't have those friends, we'll be your friends, just like yeah, we really honestly, Like if you don't have a babysitter, I'm the type of mom like, okay, what's wrong? You gt me pick up the baby at one time?

Like I've only seen I've only met this girl four times, Like okay, okay, I'll sing else swing you think I'll recognize me. I picked him up because I really understand. I understand that it's hard to be a mom. I understand it's hard to be a single mom. And I and then I really believe fully in the village situation, like I really do.

My friend's cousin told her, you know who you are, my friend.

I hope the cousin's not listening not to discipline her child because she only wants her to.

She's one, by the way, she only like wants.

Her to like be receptive to her disciplinary action or some stupid fucking shit like that, and that you know, don't give so much, don't put so much highlight on her negative bad behavior. The child is one years old, so I had to think about it. It's like, first of all, I'm not going to be around my kids. I gonna be around another mom that I don't trust your judgment. Can you imagine being around ire and Luna and you couldn't rock for mand Luna.

It doesn't exist their children.

You have to be able to be like, no, don't do that share yes, No, like you're teaching them.

Yeah. So like, if you're the type of mom you need to accept help. You need to trust the help who you're getting it from. You need to calm the fuck down. Okay, you need to smoke some weed. Is what you need to do.

Speaking of that past the week, because now it's over and I can lose my train of thought.

If I want to thank you for joining us, Thank you for joining us. If you need friends, email us or dm US Yeah, dm US Good Moms Underscore Bad Choices and getting better at that. Yes, And you can.

Also check out our website. We have all of our episodes up there. It's www dot Good Moms, Bad Choices dot com. I'm gonna put some links up there from today's episode to just some some resources for anyone that's going through postpartum I'll have some links for dads and yeah.

Yeah, there's also a contact page there. I think, like, I feel like contact pages are so ancient.

Keep putting, or I was gonna say, hit up our contact Parental Advisory g MBC at gmail dot com.

Yeah, all right, guys, Well do we say our names? I don't think we say our names enough. I'm Erica, and I'm Mela Erica, Mela Erica. Okay, this is my voice. This is my voice. That's pretty single, young hot men out there, this is Mela.

Hey.

Oh wait, it's horry time story. It's so boring. Fine, No, I know horry then.

Oh you did.

Okay, Well I'm not gonna talk about that yet. That's from saying that horry. Okay, go a horry, I guess.

I mean our stories are probably horries, so any square bitch in America, So a normal story.

Is a horry for a square bitch. One time, when I.

When I was back in the day, not that back in the day, well back in the day before children, I had a boyfriend and he was super jealous, like very very possessive, extremely jealous, crazy, and we had like broken up for a while because of that, and it was the summertime, and I was having like this summer flame with this guy that like I'd known for a long time. He was really fine, Like, oh he was

Yes, okay, So I went to the all white Pea Diddy party out here. Yeah, okay. The only reason I went was my mom. That's just so lame, my mom, my mom. Yeah, because my mom used to used to do uh ditty's makeup.

And so I went to the party and I was just I was with one of my girlfriends and I saw my ex there and so it was really awkward and I kind.

Of dodging him and I ignored him, and so I left. We went to another party.

I met up with my new boo, and we got back to my house and we had like, you know, we did our thing and and then so then but then at like four in the morning, we're sleeping and like, my my, there's someone pounding at my door and I'm like, what the fuck, who the fuck is it? And I look out and it's my ex and I'm like scared of him, Like I'm like, I have a man in my bed, like he's there. We'd only been broken up for like oh weeks, and so I was like what

And I'm like the I'm like, I'm like he's saying it. I'm like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. So he jumps out my window. He jumps off my balcony like into the street, and then he told him to jump. He was kind of a pussy too, and like he was like I'm out, Like he wasn't down. He wasn't down to face the music. He was like, I don't know what's going on, bitch. If you're opening the door on leak. He was not a pussy. It was a fine pussy he was. He

And Eve been pounding for at this point for like twenty minutes, because I took me that long to figure out what to do right, So he's liked, what the fuck? Like I've been knocking, like, what do you mean you haven't heard me this whole time?

And I was like, no, my daughter was closed. I'm so tired, and let me be fucked.

I think I didn't even I wasn't even expecting that that turn, and I thought it was wonderfully surprising and great, but.

I really I don't really remember much of it because I was low key drunk. Still that sound like an abused battered story like.

And then on my ex, I'm scared of him, so I gave him some pussy. No, it sounds like you weren't. He's so scared. A minute you got him out. I was trembling, and then I gave him some pussy to calm him down. Yeah, so you know to one day our period. I mean, it happens. I don't regret it. You shouldn't. I don't want to. Yoo, no regrets over here.

No, trust me, there is way more people than you think doing it, just nobody's talking about it and not on their podcast.

So if you're judging, it's probably because you've done it. Fuck you or you want to or you want to or you wish that you had two guys wanted to do it to you in twenty five our period. Do it? Just do it, just like do it? Do it and meant to call us and tell us about it. Real problems. Yeah, if you want to submit your hories, please, we need hories. Tell us your horries.

We need more horries without us continuingly to sound like, yeah, we.

Don't need, we don't need all of our like potential, like bad stories on the internet, our future booze listening to all of our horror stories.

Well, they're gonna know anyway, but I'm gonna just don't listen. Do you want to continue this relationship? Don't listen. You're not gonna like me after Oh my god. Okay, guys, well.

I won't your money money, I want your money. I want my money. I won't show money. Once upon a time, not long ago, I was a hope and I'm admitting it. I won't take you back because I did this ship. I was a hope and I'm admitting it. I won't take it back because if did this ship, I was a help. My money. I want your money. I want my money. I want your money, my money. I want your money. I want my money, I want your money. If I want to fuck, I'm gonna fuck him. But

It ain't nothing.

I want a double B. So he stuck back to the point, is it some cash in this place? If it is, I probably stick the stats and your face turn around. Then he asks about the taste he fell in love like the passion the drag. Better fuck him though, And I don't even care if his mother no, it's about that paper.

On another note, and