Too Healed to Hoe

Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife.

She couldn't.

She cleaned and cared for her children and the man of the house, and of course she didn't talk back. She was both obedient and soft by nature. She was a good woman who always made good choices.

I shared that shit. We're good mom's bad choices.

Who single mom who said fuck the patriarchy shared all their bad choices and.

Sound out they were so bad.

After all, we're experts, overshares and your new besties.

Sit back and enjoy the ride. I can do it.

Welcome back to good mom's bad choices.

I'm me.

Sorry, God wrong. Welcome back to good mom's bad choices. I'm Mela and I'm Erica, and this is good mom's bad choices.

Twenty twenty six, y'all, Hey, bitches, see it's next year. Ho next year house the girl Mela, listen up, poor, It's twenty twenty six, beach.

I feel like we're convincing ourselves.

I am it's a new year. Yesterday, when you said it feels like December thirty second, I was like, yeah.

I saw mem yesterday that said I don't know how I can go to work tomorrow. I don't even know what I do anymore. I was like, for real, what am I doing.

In LA.

It's been raining for like a week, which is only happens once a year, maybe twice. So it's been feeling very much like shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and do nothing. And I really appreciate that because I want to sit the fuck down and do nothing for a month.

I want to knock on wood.

I kind of want twenty twenty over again without the panic. We've already said this, I know, but I do. I want to sit the fuck down. I wanted to be no traffic. I want to sit down. Apparently there's a deadly virus. You know, I have been saying I don't want it to be there.

So it was apparently at New York Airport slot yesterday or two days ago, so it might be on the way.

You know, the world's going to shit when you're kind kind of wishing for a deadly virus or some kind of biohazard, or.

I don't want a deadly virus because then I it might dead me. I don't want to be dead.

Do you remember when we thought monkey pox was going to come after COVID.

Renumber when my ex boyfriend course sort of got monkey pox. Yeah, and that's what really was the scariest part. I was like, oh my god.

I had a whole theory. I was like, COVID wasn't bad enough. They had to make something more visual because the humans are more visual, and then they're really going to get scared. And then he did. He didn't get it, but he did.

I don't know. That had to be monkey That was some mother shit. That was the That was the devil working over time.

Can you just can you just listen to the signs in the future, because I never heard of Nigga get any monkey pox to not come on a trip, like God was trying to tell you, and you're like, not listening.

I did listen two years later. Yeah, God wasn't going to let him come to my sacred land of Costa Rica. He's like, no, we have to be we have to be extreme. Monkey pop have monkey pox.

But as you could tell with us wearing our shirlings and me wearing my new wig because I didn't want to do my hair, we're not really ready yet. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just gonna say it me too.

You see to slip back. Nah, really here all the way. So I was gonna do my hair this morning and I was like, no, I'm not ready for that yet. So here we are.

There's my hair, there's nothing to do. It just didn't work. I was like, no, it's not happening. I've set my alarm early to figure it out. And this is how as far as I got a double whammy. You can call me jemmilet Jemmy Lett. There was a billboard by my house for like a month of some Persian woman with a lot of makeup and extensions, and it was like Jemmy Lit. And every time I was like, why

I was good. I was gonna say, you're giving more like Pam Anderson, you know, MTV Awards, or maybe Jamiroquai, because I feel like he wore that hat and the.

Like Pam Anderson MTV Awards. I just looked up that outphit recently.

Were you with me? Okay? Yeah, because I liked because she had that hat on. Yeah, and then yeah, I think it was purple. That's like the same.

I feel like that's the same era of Angeline and Jolie and Billie, Bob Thornton. It was like a ninety eight ninety nine.

When everyone was like drinking each other's blood and like the women were. It was just like it was like another burst of sexual liberation that was happening around that time in Hollywood. I would say for women, it was like Rose McGowan was like with is Rose what you know?

Rose McGowan dropping white women names like I'm supposed to just have the profile of white like I did to see their picture. I don't know these bitches names. They all kind of look alike. I've been watching so many white movies in the last seven days.

You ever see a jawbreaker, Yeah, okay, she's the leading jawbreaker. She's Marylyn, She's Marylynd, she's a singer, and she was Marilyn Monroe's wife fiance Marilyn Rosemary. I mean not Marilyn Monroe, Marylynd, Marilyn Marilyn, Marilyn Manson. I was like, all these years, I had no idea well you see her. You didn't know her Rose McGowan.

Yeah, no, okay, she gets younger and these photos, I'm okay, wow, looks totally different.

Does she knows? Look at her? Then this is who I remember? Yeah, Rose, Well she's had some health issues. Okay, so and she's older and she actually looks pretty good health. But she just doesn't know. I just didn't know that was her.

I had to scroll back to the Jawbreaker time, which is what I specifically remember, which also reminds me that time is moving by way fast.

My concept of time.

I thought it was my add but it's just some fucked What I think is five minutes is more like fifty hours.

What are they who's saying like like like a thousand years to us? Is God's like day? Like a thousand years for humans? Is like one day for God? Who said this? The Bible? I think it does? Yeah, I don't think so. Did you read every single page in the Bible to know that that's not I read a lot of it. For all my Bible thumpers, I'm listening right now. Did you read the Bible? You've never paid the Bible? No, but someone biblical told me that who's

One time I was I think we're in Thailand and you guys are on speakerphone and he said a word, and I was like, that is the most biblical.

Word I've ever heard a young person use. Shepherd? Oh, like like shepherding the people. Yeah, I was like, call me off guard. I was like, I've never used shepherd in a sentence because you're not a biblical place, I know. I was like, I've never heard anyone under fifties. Well that's going to kept this four hundred and twenty two years old. I was literally like pondering, like, shepherd is that?

Oh?

My God? Not a biblical person told me. Does the Bible say how many days is a day? For God? Okay, well good to know anyway. That makes sense to me because God is so vast and so broad.

I don't think God operates in time at all. I don't think there's any translation because I don't think time is real. I think it's made up, and that's why we're aging ourselves by believing it and celebrating the new year and singing Happy Birthday.

Back in the day, you're just living. I think we were younger too, because weren't looking at ourselves so much. I think like we started fucking up and aging when we had access to like phones with cameras. Do you remember when our cameras didn't have fucking when our phones didn't have cameras. Yeah, no, Ki the Sidekick, I just looked at a post, a post the BlackBerry didn't even have a camera. No, because we didn't need a camera. We just had chats.

Mirrors are kind of a new discovery, like this is a more modern technology.

People didn't have mirror technology.

It's true, but you had to learn how to make it. Like who fuck made a mirror? I don't know, but that took time. And before we just looked into a pond and we're like, looks pretty.

Good, Hey girl, do I look okay? Yeah?

Could love me and you're gonna say yeah, and that was it.

Yeah. I think if we looked at at ourselves less, we would be a lot kinder to ourselves. I think if we had less, should we do it? No mirror challenge, No mirror Challenge, twenty four hours it's gonna be it's gonna be hard. It's fine with me.

There's times and I'm looking in the mirror for like a whole day.

Some people have mirrors all over the fucking house.

I do.

I still do't look at it, walk right past. What do I look like right now? I don't know. It's me.

I'm avoidant, so I can easily not look at myself in the mirror and think I'm beautiful, just keep walking by.

And then I finally do. I'm like, oh, I know that happened to me this morning. I like did twenty things. And then I finally looked at the mirror and my hair looked like it was like growing this way, and I was like, what the fuck?

And even smiling on people's faces, I was like, good morning, love.

You, Hey, heppen, poor men, Oh my god, your poor good thing. Your man's biblical. He's not gonna judge now, he's too busy shepherding the people. Oh my goodness.

I was looking at a post about that twenty That two thousand and six was twenty years ago, and I graduated high school in twenty twenty six. And there was like in the video that had some things like some high school students saying two thousand and six is the year, and there's like I had the pink Razor. I remember I had the pink Razor Motorola razor when I went to college, and I thought I was a shit. I had a sidekick, yeah, and I was like college flipping it open.

Yeah. It was like I should just do this. Hello, Hello, it was pink. I thought it was mine is gray, Me and Jared.

Now we have twelve thousand dollars phones or were killing people for them and when were times? But I was in the smoke shop late at night the other day and I don't know why people love me so much.

I don't really have to say much.

I was there's a couple of people in front of me, and this girl like sorry walking by me, and she's like just stopped. It's like you're so beautiful. I was like, really, I don't feel really beautiful, but thanks. She's like, for real, you're gorgeous.

I was like, think, so are you? And she's like.

I was like okay, and she like walked away and she came back. It's like you having a good night. She's like yeah, I'm lit, Like.

No shit, bitch.

Two o'clock in the morning, You're staring at me. And also the lights are like this in the smoke shop. I don't know why because it's up until three am.

They need lights.

And she's like, I'm leting me to get some modern I'm like okay. She's like, I was like, what are you doing tonight. She's like, I don't know. You live the neighborhood and now I live in Sun Valley.

I'm like okay. She's like, I was like, are you from here? I just starting conversation because she was just sitting.

In front of me, and she's like I went to where I was like, where'd you go to high school? Because I just thought maybe that was a question. She's like, so and so where'd you go? And I was like, I went to high school a long time ago. And I was like Saint Jabbe. She's like, no, no, you did it.

And I was like, I graduated twenty years ago.

And the two guys at the smoke Tu're like, oh shit, you nigga shut out. They're like, no, no, it's just how you said it. I was like, damn, I wasn't really beginning.

Oh my god. I had a similar I had a similar interaction. Where was I at. I was at a restaurant, and I was some of us. I was saying, I don't know. I wasn't even talking to this person. I was talking to someone else and I was like, nobody goes out on the weekends, so we go out during the week and he was this was like this young guy. He's like, actually, no, people do go out on the weekends. And I was like, no, they don't. And he was like,

They're like thirty one. I was like thirty seven. They're like, oh, I was like twenty years ago. I graduated.

And then I was like, Wow, we're here.

We're here in this time where I am the old bitch at the smoke shop, but youo I am, And I was like, something's wrong with me because the old dad.

Would be like, are you okay? Do you want to come over? I was like, let me just leave this fucking bitch. I know, like, where did you find this one? Where did you drag this one in from Mila? You know, a good thing.

Early in my twenties, I learned my lesson, like I would like go home with people because I thought we were best friends. And one time this girl wouldn't leave my house. And then I got invited to a basketball game and so I like dropped her off at this neighbor's house.

I was like, at the neighbor's house.

This guy I used to like fuck on sometimes upstairs, and I said, let's go see my neighbor.

And then we were up there.

I'm like, I'm actually going to do a basketball game. I'm gonna leave her here.

I'll be back. He texted like what the fuck? I was like, I don't know, man, told girl.

But yeah, I realized in my thirty seven years of life, it took me to realize even if someone's friendly and is attracted to you and won't leave you alone, it does not mean you should post to bring them home and save them. Leave them where they're at because you don't know what's going on in their psyche. Hmmm, smart, I'm glad that you've you've come to this thirty seven years later, evolution, growth, maturity, safety.

Speaking of that, what do you do for New Years? Laid on the couch and fell asleep and woke up a twelve thirty and watched a movie. What was I watching?

No?

I watched Dave Chappelle with you started watching that? Oh yeah, like, I watched it again. I liked it. I loved it. I was watching something. I don't know. I didn't I didn't do anything. What'd you do?

I stayed home and didn't go to the play. No, I didn't go to the place we.

Went we were nominated, I don't. I don't think we won because we didn't go. Fuck, we could still win.

We just weren't gonna get presented, That's what I asked him.

Like, but if we went, we're not coming.

We got presented with the most sex with the Most sex Positive Podcast nomination from the play Sex Party the Seat founder Michael Hollis told me, but we didn't go because.

It was I don't I don't know if anybody knows is if you don't.

Live in La or California, but when it rains, nobody does anything. You would think it was a snowstorm. So all plans get delayed. And I was supposed to go, but I was I was really feeling like I wasn't supposed to do anything. I kept asking Orlando, like, are you sure you want to go to the plate party? He's like, I said, I want to go out. I was like, so we're going to play party and he's like finally, he's like, actually, I don't think we should go. I was like, okay, Like bitch, writy to say that.

Oh yeah, I didn't. Fuck I did?

Did?

I was sure? Happy birthday, birthday, Aaron.

I love you.

I'm gonna text you later.

I went out to dinner with her on the night before New Year's Eve to a really good restaurant.

Actually, she told me this was Panamanian or something. Oh my god.

So when we were in Panama together, someone told us a chef out there had this restaurant, so I've been wanting to go for like two years. I was orgasmic when I ate the food. I've never felt like I had to moan immediately when putting something in my mouth. But anyway, it's called Simon in Venice.

But I.

I we decorated, and then because I have a natural urge to invite people to my house, somebody text me and I was like, Hey, what are you doing? And my friend who lives down the street, he's like, nothing is I was like, you could come over if you want, And so we're just like in the house and like topless and naked and like just rolling around. She had some Mollie and we were like rolling around and then

We didn't do shit. That sounds great. It was kind of funny.

I kind of wanted to dance, but it wasn't such a giving dance party with three of us, So then we I haded three people and then it was six and then it was a party for one hour.

Nice, it's fun. Yeah. I was like you said it was raining, and I did like some spiritual practice stuff, did some meditating. Didn't get to vision boarding. Because we're magazines. We are magazines. Where are they? Do they exist? Oh? I think I said we're magazines. I was like, yes, we are. We would be in more twenty six. Yeah. I've just been like I feel like moving very very very slow. I've also had like house guests at my

Well that's the thing I realize. I'm like every time I leave the house, I spend like two hundred dollars. So I'm just gonna sit the fuck down. I've been cooking. We did do some like manifestations. We burnt our stuff, we let our we release some stuff. We brought some stuff in, which is nice. Let lit some candles. But I've been feeling extremely slow, and it's been making a question if I'm just slow in general, because you know, I always say I feel slow, but I do.

I feel like when I get overwhelm, I just want to lay back down. No, I just feel like December and I feel like a everything slows down in December, so you just naturally your body and everything around you kind of slows down. I don't, And I think like for some reason, because we're programmed all year to go, go, go, go go, then when we actually do slow down, we feel guilty and we feel confused, and we feel like we're not doing enough and like we're not preparing and

I haven't put the new couch in here. I thought it was for them there because other one broke. But we could, we could, We could do anything we want.

I also feel like my New Year's was kind of like the mushroom party I had at my house the other night. Oh yeah, I feel like that was my New Year's. I had people over and we had like little sound bath and then we all took mushrooms and I haven't taken that high of a dose in a

Just I got cold, so I went inside side an experience. I couldn't you're just sitting there.

Yeah, one of my bulls wasn't working because it was like touching the yoga mat. And then I just was like and he was just watching and he was like and I was like, I'm done, figure it out. And then his friend came over and played for me. Oh and then I just sat there and because I was like, you know, when you must first hit you, you're like you need to breathe. You're like, what did I do? Am I okay? Am I okay? Is this smart? Is this okay? So it was great. I had a great time.

When they left, everybody left because I think I know everybody.

I was like, who brought the lesbians? That's where she comes from. I was like, I like them.

I've never seen them before. Yeah, I don't know what she was telling us. And You're like, I was like, oh I didn't. Ashley was selling one of the lesbians. Oh you were you went viral.

I saw you. You did something. We were like, we're not on the Lelian algorithm.

We're not on the lesbian algorithm. And then she was like it was vogue. I was like, oh, it's not lesbian, it's worldwide. She was like, Jamila used to be a lesbian. I was like, I used to be in the lesbian algorithm before.

There's a I vouch for her. She really was a lesbian one. And they're looking at us like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I was a lesbian. I'm no longer though.

No, you're done. It's not really in me. No, nope, No, you don't feel like eating any pussy six, not even a little bit. I'm digmatized. I don't I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I could do it. I don't know. Why do you want to eat some pussy twenty twenty six? Yeah?

You feeling like because you didn't eat any pussy twenty twenty half.

Yeah, I think my last eat pussy was twenty three, twenty twenty three, so yeah, it's been a while. I think that I could get some pussy in my face in twenty twenty six. Not a lot. Wait, it's so funny today. How much is like, well, because you know, I can only do like like two to three. I can do like two and a half women a year, but you should say. My mom called me and yesterday I saw her. She like, I'm gonna go see my friend.

Yeah yeah, And I was like, yeah, you did miss it, and I was like, you can find love on Field, yeah. I mean when freaks fall in love that's what they should have called it.

Field.

Miss You miss it big, You missed a big opportunity. Should have been called when Freaks Fall in love dot com. But you know what, maybe that's my next endeavor, freaks fall because Field it's good. It has so many categories though I didn't even know there's this many categories for kinks.

Like you know, when I was on Field, which was in twenty twenty three, like twenty twenty to twenty twenty three, on and off. When I first joined, it was whack. It was so weird. Have you looked recently and it wasn't whack. I'm just saying when I first joined in twenty twenty because I was on there with poetry Bay to toothless scammer Bay. I was on there with him trying to find a third and it was really dry. It was like very white, very weird white.

No.

But then like in twenty twenty three, when I rejoined with I don't know what to call him, the other Bay, the Rat City, Bay City Rat, it was better. There were more black people on there. Were you there in New York? Or are you doing it here? I had it, I would change it New York. I feel like it was better, but there were more there were more attractive black people on there.

Should I try to be like read, you don't want to should I renew my list.

I want to do that and maybe you can find another male. You know what it is. It's like, I'm I did that just to see what Orlando's face was gonna look like Jamaican. He looks like he's smelling something bad Jamaican face. Maybe I'll get back on field just to play the field. And my mom was like, is that why it's called field because you're playing the field. You're just out here in the field. And I was like, I don't know. I guess, so, Mom, Yeah that makes sense.

I feel like I'm two in my head, Like I'm a threesome you you know, corn Queen. I could three someome any by of their crew. I could be your three some in a couple. But like in my own relationship, my head hurts, it's too much. It's too much thinking I can't. I don't know, like I didn't miss that train like your mom, But I think I was, So I guess. I guess we're I think our generation is right on the borderline, like we could go either way.

We have a horr that isn't aligned with this that I want to share. But before I share this horri, I want to check in with you actually, because this weekend is your bachelorette party slash bachelor party, and I'm just curious, like, what are the vibes? Are we not? Are you I know where Lando's gonna be there in front of me? Are you all gonna do a little switch trade off of it's the bachelorettes the last time the last time? What are you asking me? Keep you

This to be completely transparent. Hoeing in Vegas doesn't seem like like a highlight for me. I don't feel like there's like hoes in Vegas for me, like men, because I like Dick a lot. I feel like, if we're gonna do like an if we're gonna have a discussion about having a hall pass, I think it would probably need to be like out of the country, like Jamaica, or like, I don't know, you're gonna go to his native country.

I know, I know the material I feel like the makers out of the off limits. I feel like you gotta go to another Caribbean, I know the materials, say kits or something.

About About a year or two ago, me and Orlando had a conversation. I was like around, I don't know if you were there, And I was like, people usually like fuck on their bachelorette right, like that's what you do. And he was like no, and I was like, so you're not going to fuck on your bachelor party. He's like, that's not standard. I was like, I thought it was standard. I thought it was standard.

I feel like we did have this conversation because I'm pretty sure I thought, I think we got a standard. So I mean it's not standard. It's just on the table, like not everybody might take the op might take it. I feel like I feel like seventy percent of people don't do it, but that it's it's it's on the table.

This is another issue I take with this whole concept of bachelor and bachelorrette parties.

This it's designed for men women.

It's gonna be extremely hard for me to go anywhere in forty eight hours to seventy two hours and like someone enough to want to sit on their face and on their dick and be fine with it.

I have been at drugs. That's all I have to say. Let me sit down drugs and alcohol, drugs twenty four hours, trust me. Yeah. Well I don't know, Orlando. So is that on the table?

Like it doesn't have to be this weekend, but if we have like another bachelor bachelor or this weekend, how.

Many bachelor bachelors party even I have? Bitch, is it on the table for me or for you? I can't. I can't take what's on the table. She can't get finger banged in seventh grade.

Last time I said that, someone got really mad. Last time when we said his finger bank, I said, what are we in seventh grade? Someone got I saw one in the comments was like, why the fuck would you say that? I was like, because that's what I was doing seventh grade.

Yeah, yeah, sounds like a no. I would rather I would what about essential massage? What about like what if you both got happy? Like a like a sensual massage by like a like what's that guy's name? What the fuck is I under? On Instagram? There's so manyhad I know there's one specific and he's he's kind of cute duffy hands by duffy duffy hands.

Uh, that's something I don't remember. He looks like they're never cute though he's cute, but he might be gay. I don't know if I don't care about that. You know how I feel about gay porn. Okay, I don't want a essential massage unless you're making me come. I realized that someone gave me a massage. It was very sensual and there was no com and I was so annoyed. I felt like I got less massage. I got negative massages. But yeah, I don't think that there's like a lot of opportunities.

To gate down and dirty in Vegas.

I'm actually looking at a black magic mic show for us, and even at my picky ass is looking at some of the men and I'm like, he's cute.

He needs to go to the dentist.

So I think women are just too picky for this concept, and men can stick their dicks in any warm up hole, and so it's just kind of not fair because I need like three I need to know you're smart.

I want you to make me laugh.

I kind of want to flirt a little bit, and then maybe I'll get drunk and do drugs enough to say okay, But like, other than that, it's gonna be like familiar. I was just like, I aimlessly hode so deep in my twenties.

I might have caused trauma to myself, but I'm just not. You're too healed now.

I'm too healed.

You're too healed. I'm too heeled to hoe, I'm too heeled to home. It's very annoying, but I'm you healed first. Now you can't even hoe anymore, you can't even hoe later. Now, can't even wear that shirt anymore. I can't wear my shirt. God damn it.

But yeah, you know, even with our friends who are in there like firm a host season. I'm kind of like, keep going because you only got about twenty minutes, so this like twenty minutes left, and I just I don't, I don't know, I just don't have it in me anymore. I feel like, do you feel like you can still do some helling, like if you're really like hypothetically, if you weren't in a relationship, and like, I mean, I'm sure we'd still be doing it, but like if we were single.

We'd be hoeing. What do you mean w'd be I mean we were we would be intentionally hoeing, but we'd be dating and having some not maybe not casual sex because I don't. I think even before this relationship, and even before the relationship that I was in, before, I was already being more intentional about my partners and what I was doing. So it's a different type of hoeing. It's a more responsible, grown up hoeing. But I would

Oh what I thought Rico wasn't going to be available, But he's available me.

Oh yeah, not oh no, oh no?

But oh my god, put the hat on.

Hurry. Orlando edited this out. Not no, you better else you're fired. It was like that Girl show. Why did it slide off like that? This hair's wised you, guys. Mila has I'm at the studio this morning, and she told me she's gonna be like, yeah, yeah, I'd be there around ten fifteen. It's like eleven. I'm like, where are you. I'm here. She's like, I'm having a bad hair day. I just put a wig and a hat on. And then she came in and then she took this wig off. You don't have to do that to yourself.

I think I'm going to move into my wig era. I'm having a good time. I'm gonna name all of them. This is my favorite wig from ten years ago.

But I just want you to know one side is very long because you keep combing back. Okay, you keep combing one side, bitch. I told you it was December thirty second.

Okay, December thirty second is as good as I can do.

Okay, can you comb the other side out? More things?

You're ruining my chances of having a bachelorette honus. Okay, but you know what, I do have a question for the listeners or for the bachelorette hose whatever. Where is a good destination for women to get dick?

Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, the Jamaica. The yard men are kind of there's not all of them are like that. I think it's not every single one waxes their eyebrows. There's some like rough poppies out there too, Okay, but I think the rough popus. They're also getting other Caribbean islands besides Jamaica.

When I went to Turks, I didn't see that many fine men.

No no, no, no, no, no, which one you're not? Which ones? When I went to say with the kids, please send Aguilla, Anguila has fine man. That's awesome there.

I've always wanted to go to Anguila. I ever sent to Janet said, you know, you decided to have your Bachelor red in Vegas, so I'm having to God, this is getting expensive.

Don't worry. It's not gonna be for eight to ten months. You're having Okay, got it? But maybe not because I can't.

I don't even have I don't have anything on the table. I mean, Orlando, better not cheat on me in Vegas while I'm we're sharing a room.

That well, what are you cheating if you guys were agreeing to it. I don't come lay with me after you lay with the whore. Okay. Anyway, we go to Bunny Rich speaking of horror stories, okay, whores, we have a horror story. And speaking of which, guys, is twenty twenty six. I really need you to step up your whole games or just recall your former whole life and write in about it. It doesn't have to be you.

Notice that the healing it really makes you cloud your hoading.

Everyone here that's been here for so long is healed so much. I need you to go back, not go back like actually, but like go back in your memory and recount those days when you were still outside and send them in because people they're still newer people here that are on the beginning of their healing journey, and they need the horror stories. Okay, and so do I. So here's a horror story. My boyfriend and I had a threesome with a girl we met off Tinder. Me too, Actually, no,

And fla by the way, what oh, you liking girls is really making me more attracted to you.

I mean, you're more attractive now that. Maybe it's just like the trust Maybe he feels more trustworthy. I mean, I see, I see where that. I see why you could see that. So she and I matched. She and I mashed on Tinder and had been chatting already, and so I already knew some things about her that he didn't. I let them get acquainted and I thought we were having a great time. It ends up with her back at my place and we're having the threesome. I got super into it, as it was my first time with

You know what?

I think it's an interesting topic because I actually asked Orlanda recently like, oh if I if I had sex with one of my friends without you, would you be bothered?

And he was like would you?

He basically said, if I had sex with one of your friends, would you be bothered? I was like, not the same thing, And I thought, I thought that for men, like women having sex is like oh yeah, hat just send me a picture, but don't.

I don't didn't, I don't guess, guess not. That's what I thought too, I was. I actually came the same thing. I said, So if I had sex with a girl and I told you about it later or like I've had to be like whoa, like, would you be mad? And he was like you cheated on me? And I was like, really that's a nice say. I was like, really, this is a fantasy even And then I I'd made out with one of our friends and.

BALI and I told him and he didn't really say anything, but I was like, so were you mad about Like He's like, like you did?

And I was like, really, so you cared about that.

I just I don't know that that what didn't equate the same because like, because you're not you don't actually care about being with a woman, So it's not like there's a likelihood of you leaving him for a woman. Yeah and yeah, and I think there's like a culture of women where you're like, ah, I'm drunk, okay, bye, you know it's like a handshake. But yeah, I also

Confusing. I don't know.

I can only focus on one person at a time. My mind is not set up that way.

I think think this was a good learning lesson for that.

I think the Dirty the Dating app is a good option. I don't think like doing it with somebody that you had, like your your friend is like, is is sustainable? Mm hmm, because then like I have to see you that I'm thinking about it, and then you're gonna think it's expected, and then I'm just like and.

Then yeah, then we can't hang out casually. Yeah, like I gave you a drink and now you think it's popping. Now we're popping and I just really wanted to have a glass of wine. Bitch, sits fucked down.

And the same with the nigga, Like you sit the fuck down. You said, everybody said the fuck down. So in order if everybody shit the fuck down without any having any expectations, call a bitch from tender or maybe you need to have like a like a code word for every like that it's tonight's the night, then everybody's waiting.

What if you say the code robot mistake? The code word has to be something so outlandish, full a bit random. Yeah, yeah, what do you think? Do you think that? I think they just didn't have their rules and regulations ironed out, or maybe he just wasn't really ready. He thought he was and he wasn't. I don't think she really did anything wrong. I can understand, like she probably doesn't know how to deal with a woman in that way, and so the girl probably was was maybe making jokes and

I don't know how three sumes got popular, but I don't think it's sustainable.

Because four is like, that's a lot of work. You gotta find that other person.

It's even you can just swap and he swap hit it boobe. It's so like four is way more sustainable because you're not you don't have time to think so much. I put one dick in one pussy at the time, so some pussies are going to be empty. It's just it's it's very I think four. That's why I get swingers. I'm not a swinger, but I get them because it makes more sense.

Just swappy, swap.

Nobody has time to act crazy because you've got a dick in your mouth. Yeah, you know, have you ever done four No, No, I haven't. But you're like, you're only like you're jealous sometimes.

You had threesomes. I've never been jealous in a threesome dynamic. Have you ever had a three? Little voyeur? So I really enjoy watching you only had you.

Only had a three some in the relationship with the last guy. Yeah, well we've definitely had our share of experiences. Yeah, and maybe he should changes. Maybe next week I'll be threesome queen.

But no, if you've been kind of in this space for a while now, you've been a retired lesbian publicly for a minute.

But I went to Atlanta like not that, like after i'd retired, and like saw an ex girlfriend and we had sex and it was great and she still got on my nerves. I like, I'm not lesbian, but that was fun.

But you know, the other day, like Marie and not the other day, like maybe two or three weeks ago, I went to lunch with this girl from the internet that I got lunch with the same attractive Yeah, she's like a designer and we've chatted here and there, and I was like, let's get lunch. And I was telling you she can I was like, I have a crush on the squad. I think she's really cute. I'm gonna go have lunch with her and see what who she is. And I was like and he was like okay, and

Like all right, so not see your religious man participating in That's why he's not a religious man.

He's a spiritual man. You said that saying what I said, religious person person? Okay, Sorry, I was kidding. Uh he wait. So we went to lunch and we were talking and I was like, you know, I was there not to like be a creep. I wanted I genuinely wanted to get to know her because she's really talented.

Does a creep?

And then she fucking ruined it. Why we were just talking, We're having a great time, and then out of nowhere, she's like, yeah, so tell me about beauty blender and I was like, what about it? And she's like, I really think that we should partner. I really think that we could collaborate. Can I send you a deck? I would I would love to talk about sponsorship. And then I was like, bitch, are you fucking serious? Right now, I'm going to fuck you. What the fuck are you talking about?

So you guys bitch now. I was like okay, and then she's then whatever, Like I.

Did not really talk to raft. I mean, I said, hey, thanks for lunch. Is that's the one I text you? And you're I kept saying who are you with? And you kept saying here, And I was like, who the fuck is this person?

I don't know. Anyway, she sent me the deck like a week two weeks ago, and it was like first package five thousand, second package twenty thousand, third fifty thousand. I'm like, bitch, what the fuck fifty? First of all, kind of influencer. I'm like, first of all, no, she whatever, it's not even her, it's like whatever. I was just like, first of all, this is not how you do business. You like, at least pretend you want to be my friend, Like at least we let's go to lunch three times.

So yeah, so she's not a prospect anymore because she tried to say no.

She runed it for me.

She was a user, and you are observer of beauty, not an observer of beauty. Yeah, gosh, maybe an orgy, Yeah that.

Seems I mean I could see why an urged orgy could be like low steaks, just everybody fuck it, go crazy. I don't want everybody like I'm not now, it has to be vetting. There'd be some vetting. Let me see, let me see your eyes, let me see your dick, let me see what's going turn around. My ideal orgy would be like maybe ten people.

They would have to be like dinner, let's have dinner, let's like chat, let's like have dinner, and then like do a chair swop, so everybody has to sit next to each other differently, like maybe feed each other and then be like smoke weeds that we're laughing, and then like it has to be sexy like a lot of.

These maybe orders. I don't want a full meal, like a maybe a steak in my stomach, and then we're gonna have an orgy, like I'm gonna go to sleep if we're gonna get tired that sex party we had. That's true, you're old. Can we just have snacks and molly water? Like, I don't know about full dinners. All water would be good. Actually, champagne maybe right? I want I want to eat a full meal. Oh she's gonna be ready and activated after eating a cow half a cow,

I want time to like get to know you think you're attractive, Like I need to know you're not dumb. But then also after one hour of conversation, most people are kind of dumb, which is problematic too.

Yeah, dude, there's no way you're gonna know for sure they're not dumb.

I miss say biosexual, they don't fucking oh boy, I do, like I want to know that you're smart and you don't say anything's fucking stupid. Some maytimes I've found someone super attractive and then they say something fucking stupid and I was like, oh that's over.

You're dumb. You can't put it.

Let a dumb dick go, and you're smart. Pussy to bring down your pussy cue, but.

Just do it every day. It's not the pussy cue.

Is your pussy c low?

It's your pussy cue go lo Are you letting dumb niggas put their come in you? Their low IQ penis inside of.

Your called mela, I can bring your pissy que up.

Maybe look at your roster.

Ask them these five questions before proceeding instead the survey. So basically, our lesbian action in twenty twenty six may be low unless there's mully water and ten to five tell you know.

How it's going. Maybe I'll join Field this week and see what's going on over there, Just see what's happening. I am dying if they've updated their their platform capabilities, because like the last time I was on there, you could like make a profile with your partner or no, you could make a profile and then link your partners together. However you weren't. You wouldn't get messages together, so your partner could still be fucking being a dog and having

I was like I I've been like spiraling a little bit because I think this full movie was in cancer. I'm a cancer, a lot of water, I'm going to Vegas on Saturday. It's like shit's getting real. And I was like, I just want you to know I'm not in the lifestyle. I'm not lifestyle ad Jason. I'm maybe dieing lifestyle. I don't I need you to know this is not.

It won't work for me. He's like, I know what won't work for you.

I was not, like, I don't want him to have the expectation that like, in the future, I'm gonna evolve and like be a threesome queen and I'm gonna be totally open and like down with the ships.

Like I don't want that to be.

I want to be like, oh, she's she's chirpping now, but like in one to three years, we're gonna get there and I'm gonna have she'd bring in all the pussy for me. We're gonna have all three somes. I didn't want him to ever have the expectation because I know that I was a previous lesbian and so there's probably hope, but there's not, And so I just want him to like be very clear that if that's not the lifestyle that you choose, you.

Try to back out of your marriage. I just want to be clear, Orlando, before we before you marry me, this is one thing that you must know. I am not lifestyle of jacent. I know that I made it on Amazon, LGBTQ plus highly rated books with good mom's. Good mom's got to make you bad choices. However, I know that we were in the Rolling Stone article and they called us lifestyle adjacent. They called us, I don't know, freaks. They call us freak. Oh my god, forever and ever

A part of me is kind of like testy that way. I kind of want to sow everything in the fire. And you say, okay, never mind. I'm like, okay, I knew you're gonna say that. Never mind.

You want to get married because I'm not going to have a threesome in two years. Okay. Imagine imagine if he's like, Okay, yeah, I can't do this. I don't know. Everybody's laughing. I don't know it's so funny because it's fucking ridiculous. He's obsessed with you.

I found my man if I'm in sex party, like I found him in sex. I found him at a sex podcast. I saw him at a sex party. I told you after that one sex party. I was like, yeah, we're just friends. It's not gonna work. He's a little bit and he's a lot of attention. He's doing too much.

I don't like it. It's not my life.

And then he weaseled his way in and so I had to be clear. I know, I know, I know you saw me in the podcast and I looked really free and open, but I was like, I want to be open, but I'm not. I was like, I know you think I'm really cool and open, but i'm not.

And then he laughed, just like he's laughing right now. It's okay. I was like, I'm cool, but I'm just not that cool. If anything is gonna be the opposite, it's like leers down the line. You're gonna be like I'm ready, babe, and he's gonna be like no, and then you're gonna be like, so you don't love me. I told him, you want a divorce.

I told him in the beginning before when we were open and long distance and I was tolerating it because it was long distance and it was easier. I told him, if you want to go monoga now, don't ever ask me to go open again, because I'm probably not gonna be able to revert if either stay like this and I can get my get my shit up, or when we go monogamous, I'm gonna just not gonna work. I'm just gonna tell you right now, I'm jealousy. And he said he might be monogamous.

So here we are.

So you have about five more days to figure it out to give me your final answer on Friday.

You sidn't you sidn't think about it at work? Yeah, you sit with that decision, Orlando, you just sit there and really think about it. You heard me, Don't you fuck with my friend because she's not gonna be your threesome queen. Okay, not a threesome queen. She is an monogamous whore.

And that's another thing. We have so much dirty, nasty, filthy, freaky sex. Sometimes the thought of having like another person there, even when we have it's like wrap this up, let's get freaky. We can't be freaky in front of them.

We don't know that them out. Hey, it's three o'clock.

This has been fun, but we got to go on to level ten. We're approaching level ten hours and we don't know you like that, so you gotta go. So I'm just like, you freaked me out too much.

You went too far. Now we can't even invite the GA general public in. Okay, then you can be the activators igniters, and then they get out.

I'm not good at getting people out. I'm like, oh, you feel sad? Do you want to stay here? Come here, lay on my bosom.

You're okay? And then it's like, you don't even want this, Why are you doing this? Tell them to get out? And I'm like, I just hate this, big fuck you. Yeah, you could say say sleep here, s loop in the middle, it's fine. Oh my god.

I'm working on saying what I mean and meaning what I say, so it's not people pleasing. What if Shirkemp says he's never going to have any threesomes? Are you gonna sell marry marry him? Are you the Orlando in your relationship?

Well no, that's not the case. But if he did say that we couldn't have any threesomes. That would be a problem for me really yeah, not because I'm like a threesome queen, but like I need I need the option of exploration for sure. And I like women not all the time. Obviously I can go years without them, but I don't want to like feel like I'm cheating on you if I see a woman out and I want to sleep with her and you can be there.

Yeah.

No, I definitely need sexual exploration, like I can't just no, no, So twenty twenty six could be the year that we have her threesome.

Well, go after this, goam Field, hey Field, because we're coming back. Yeah, it's not a requirement, but I'm open to it. Maybe I'll go and Field and I'll pretend to be open and try.

Don't do that. I told myself.

I was like, I'm gonna try harder, I'm gonna dig into this insecurity. And then I had to come to the point like it's really not about insecurity. It's literally about it's like I know how my brain works, and I know how it like spirals, and I'm like in order to save everyone for me, and like my my body, like my nervous system immediately goes into like, well.

Then don't do that to yourself. I know I can't handle it. You don't need to do that. No, don't, please don't join field. You can just look on mine. Fine, anyway, did you make any bad choices this week? Bad mom? Not a bad mom, but a bad mom. I'm so good.

This January thinking that I can be a threesome queen and I'm not.

I tried to be a three some queen. This I'm just not. I just I just my head doesn't work that way. But I can't do it. That's your bad choice, going against myself. But I know it's not in me. I know it's not. I just have to accept it. Even if I want to be cool and open and that. Yeah, I feel that.

I'm a solo, cool and open person, not in a relationship. And then I'm about to like about to get married, and it's like it's just my mind doesn't.

Work that way. Yeah, I mean I think you're a probably you're in a season of like create, like consecrating your relationship. It doesn't feel probably like a third is part of the consecration.

It's just not in alignment. And again, I don't want to think that I'm gonna be down that's gonna be the that's gonna be the intro to our relationship, because it's not.

You're gonna be mad? Has he shown you this? And that's why I mean, I know.

Him another guy. He would be down. If I was down, he'd be down. And well he's a man exactly. And that's the thing is like, that's and I maybe you can relate to this. I always feel like men are gonna lie a little bit. You're gonna always tell you what you want to hear. So I'm always like looking at their eyes, like even if he says no, I don't want that, I'm like, you're why he would if

I'd be like, fuck you, I knew it. You're a war I guess sometimes I've I've tested. I don't know if I've done a lot of testing, which you came. Because I think that he's just honest and he's like and he is like obviously a man, but you know he's he he's also like he's definitely he's not a cow. He's never had a one night stand, Like he's not like a casual fucker like that. Like he's a sapio sexual,

I think that men are afraid of women because we have such range of our like feelings and how heavier feelings can be so they're like kind of like pre prepped to be like, no.

No, I would do that. Are you okay? No, I wouldn't. I didn't say. That's not what I meant. No, no, no, no, I don't. She's ugly.

I don't want Bussie, just yours is the most beautiful because, like, validly, they probably see it a lot women crash out. So I'm always a little bit like, yeah, oh yeah, you want to do that.

Yeah, me too.

December thirty second. Fuck, I'm working on it, guys, I'm working on it.

Oh my god. We had someone write in a Bad Choice of the Week. They said that they invited their crush to a group outing with their wife to practice their poly boundaries. Did the wife know? I asked to inquire because it's like, is that why it's bad choice? Because you're a liared You're fucking being fucking sneaky.

Oh my god, I just want you to know if you invite your crush out with me, I'll slap the shit out of you.

I'm not crazy. I've done weird stuff like that before. I've done weird stuff like that before. I think I do. I think I've done that a lot. Actually, like be bringing like my niggas around, like one specific nigga in particular that I know loves me, and but also he provides a good environment and fun time. So I just kind of like let it happen because it's just not it's just not we're not there anymore like that. But I do know that if perhaps I was single, we

Yeah, that's why niggas are like, don't let me like what is his name, Cam Newton, don't let me be somewhere and you hay say to somebody in the building and I don't know about it, Like nigga, I said to ten of these niggas in this building, there's a hundred niggas in here also.

I mean, i'd like to.

I'll tell people, but it's just not always realistic. Inviting someone is something different, but like someone just being there and it's out of your control.

Like I'm a grown ass woman. I've fucked and like not a whole lot of people in.

The city, but niggas who fucked me are gonna say hi because we don't have any beef because we just fucked.

I think I've just let like my desire to want to have a good time supersede respect, Like but I wanted to go to the party, but I wanted to go to the festival. I mean, but I wanted a table for my birthday.

But if you hadn't, or if you had been in a relationship where you could have expressed that, like the things that I get us in, there's nothing there like it, it would have not been a big deal. But because that nigga was overly anxious about it, because he was

It's not that. But does that because he wants to know that because she Keem doesn't want me to he said, he doesn't need to know. Like every time we see someone that I've had sex with, he did. It's not a requirement that i'd be like, oh, by the way I slept with that.

Most men feel that way, and I sometimes when we're an interaction, I feel I don't know, I've just been I've been programmed to say something.

You programmed yourself. And also he's like my friend.

So I'm not really it's not like I'm warning you so you can know. It's that, but also like, oh, yeah, I fucked them. I just remembered, oh my god, flash back.

You know.

It's more like I'm just saying it. It's not And I don't think that I think that he would want to know. But I don't think if I didn't say anything he'd be bothered either.

I think that sometimes women we overshare because we're scared to get found out, and then we overshare and then we regret it or we overshare and that our partners are like, well, I really didn't need to fucking know that.

I overshared in my past. I wouldn't say shit because I know you can't handle it. I'm I usually I usually make the decision if you can handle it or not, if I see your true colors, because I've been beat and I'm not even harassed and terrorized and by jealous niggas, and actually, for the most part, I kind of shut the fuck up just because I'm used to being in those relationships. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm not going home.

Yeah, I want to know too, but I could understand why a man doesn't want to know. I feel like a man's reaction or like what he harbors after that is different than what a woman harbors. It's not like a woman is gonna like analyze the girl, Wonder how he fucked her, Wonder what all these different things in comparison, where a nigga is not really doing comparing he's like I'm gonna kill him, or like I don't know, there's like a different like thing, there's a different psychological response.

I'm just going to examine the way you interact with that person the whole time, and how she interacts with me, and if it's on some fake shit, I'm going to.

Blow up everything. Well on that note, is it, Taro tyme? Yeah? Ten of Cups? I like Ten of Cups looks beautiful, they look joyous, there's happy children.

It's about divine love, blissful relationships, harmony alignment. As I talk about my psychoonists, the ten of Cups embodies happiness, joy and emotional contentment, particularly in your relationships and family. You have created an abundance of love and happiness in your life, and you now share this love with others expanding your heart even more. This card often appears when you are surrounded by loved ones with whom you share

The ton of Cups is the.

Happy family card, suggesting that your family relationships are harmonious and loving. Right now, no one is fighting your cause and any tension. All family members are getting along with each other and sharing in the love and happiness that surrounds you. This card may appear in a reading when you're spending more time with family, perhaps on a holiday, reunion or event where you can rest and relax together,

Oh beautiful, very nice. Yeah, I resonate with that. I've been spending a lot of time with family and it feels good. Yeah.

The holidays are for home and family. I feel that way. Do you have an affirmation for us today?

Today's affirmation is there's no time. Don't take it up a notch in January, bitch, relax. Take that. Don't take it up a notch. Relax. Relax. Still, don't take it up a notch in January, bitch, relax. Be honest with yourself. You're not ready. It's okay. I know that you guys have all been seeing. It's the year of the horse doesn't actually start till February, so you have some time you're still shedding. It's still the year of the snake according to Chinese astrology.

Oh really m hm oh I think I did see that. February like seventeenth.

Okay, yeah, yeah, so we have till February seventeenth to rev up our horse power. O good. Until then, shed it all, bitch, I'm going to need about six more weeks and read that. Yeah, I'm I resonate with that. Have a seat, bitch, have a seat. So if you're listening to this, just relax. Take a few deep breaths today. If you're at work, if you're at home, if you're in the bed, whatever you're doing, just chill out. It's okay. I know it's the beginning of the year. Maybe take

Slow rituals, small alters alter your life slightly each day.

Gently. Yeah, and if you are looking for a place to implement these things, check out the Goodbye Retreat. We have retreat offerings for you in twenty twenty six. Our Jamaica four twenty retreat is officially sold out, so sorry to new as you lose. But we do have two other retreats in Costa Rica, our favorite place on the

Hell Now I got the blues in.

To like Beyonce Jasell throat shot or pop in his car.

We're in her voices patriarch and kept it in the box to it's fotis.

Women put the pee and powers, so it's pointless. They want me to be good, so I make bad choices. Bad mom, not a bad mom, but a bad mom. It he's in on the cannabis in their bathbon walked in Bosts Capp and I blew his cat boss hot dog. Now I'm immune to the cat called Herbie and no waisted straight to it like a dollar sign. Mother, rent the lover when to it is like a water someone where you're renting winter essential will when the summertime. I do what doll ain't know when that needs a running by