This Isn't Normal

Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Jamila. Oh, Jamila's out today?

All right? I got distracted and even I got he threw me off there.

Wow, because Jamila and Mila are so I know different. I never hear you call yourself that I'm Jamila. My name is Jamila.

I think I call you like I only call you Jamila. Yeah.

So I don't know why you're acting so.

Because I don't ever hear you whatever. Whatever. Moving on, Hi, guys, Hi.

It's us bickering about my name.

I can only have one.

Why is it that every time you start recording, the fucking blind ass dog wants to come in.

It's like she's blind, but she knows we're doing this, so she knocks. It's like, why, Okay, how are you doing this week?

I'm good.

Actually, I just got back from a little trip to Palm Springs.

Oh yeah, how was that?

It was?

It was fun, it was good. I went with a few girlfriends. Actually was a girl's trip, and then my boyfriend. Then I noticed that poetry. I was like, it's poetry, baby. The only guy there?

Yeah, he was.

I ended up actually having a friend that was in town that came through. But originally it wasn't supposed to be just girls, and so that's when he kind agreed to come there. Was supposed to be like another dude, and then like they back he backed out, and then it was just him.

Was he in heaven or was he like overly annoyed? No, he's cool, Like he's no, he was. He was very cool with the girls.

The ladies.

You know, I had to make sure that I was also making sure I was being attended to, hit attentive and not like just girls tripping it up and being like fuck you nigga.

That's what I hate hanging out with guys because they always needed to be like don't be like fuck niggas, go away, let me.

Get my fuck niggas off.

Okayay god, yeah, No, it was cool.

We rented this house. I just love like Palm Springs, and they were like retro vibes. You know, it's always like those like sixties seventies retro houses that are kind of like slanted with like big floor to ceiling windows.

Was it super hot or was it not so hot that it was hot?

But my friend went to Palm Springs like three weeks ago and said it was like unbearable even with the pool, Like the pool was hot.

That's what I was thinking.

I'm like, sometimes La gets so hot, Palm Springs is unbearably hot, Like you can't even go outside to the pool until it's like five o'clock.

No, it was good, it was cool.

We did Tesla, which was great, really great until the end when I had no more happiness left inside me. I was literally like this reminded me of this one time when I went to Coachella, like when I was like twenty two and I did so many drugs that like I remember calling my baby daddy and he was not my baby daddy at this point, but I called him and I was like, Babe, I'm never gonna be happy again. I'm never gonna be happy. I don't have

Many hours, like four to five? I took a half.

Yeah.

Well, then she called me like I was the dealer and cursed me out, like I have.

No happiness left. It's terrible.

I'm like, bitch, what I was like it was literally like a switch. Like I was sitting in the jacuzzie and I was happy, and then I wasn't anymore. I was not and then at that point I was like, I need to go have sex. Maybe that'll make make you happy. Yeah, And then we did and it was great. And then I was not only unhappy, but I was tired. And then he left to go to the store, and then I got really sad.

I don't ask me why. I knew he was coming back, but like I got hella sad.

And then like my friends were talking to me, and like one of my girlfriends doesn't like do shit like that, so she was just trying to get me to drink. She kept like passing me drinks and I was just like sitting there just like with no emotion, just like staring at them eating dry ass pizza. And then eventually like they kept talking and I was like, I'm gonna go lay down, and I just laid there with like awake but like tired but awake but tired, and I was like.

Just let this day be over the next day, do you feel better?

Well?

Then so he went to the store to go get me vitamins. He was like, you need vitamins.

I'm gonna go get you like ashwaganda root, whatever the hell it's called.

He got me all hell all these vitamins.

When I took them, and the next morning I did feel much better, and they were.

Like, you want to do it again?

I was like, hell, no, bitch the fuck no, I'm good.

Here's the thing with ecstasy, guys, you gotta be careful.

I can't do that shit.

Honestly, when I take halfs I'm usually good the next day. But when I do whole, or if I don't do a tesla, if I do some other kind of molly or ecstasy the next day, it can be not good. It could be pretty grim. My friends, who's coming to the drive in this weekend? I mean, on Friday, we have a drive in.

Hey, oh my god, I'm so excited. We're doing our first meetup in forever. It feels like five hundred years hellelujah. And it's a movie drive in and we're gonna go watch next Friday.

And wave at each other from the cars.

You know. My friend told me he was like because he was like, I've ever been to a drive in. I was like, I don't know, and He was like, the best driving experience I've ever had is in a pickup truck.

Well, yeah, because you can. And I was like, do I need to message my baby daddy?

Yeah, because we can back it in and then we could put blankets in the yea, I know.

We can probably open your trunk too. Yeah, that's how you're supposed to do it.

In Atlanta, Ni guts, we out there barbecueing and shit, it gets real. You could do like all time, bring weed, bring food, where your pajamas.

You ever been to the drive in? I'm like a huge fan of the drive in.

I drive to like far places to go to the driving because there's not one in La.

Well, I'm excited.

To go to this drive in me too. I'm excited comfort La is gonna be my girlfriend. My crazy girlfriend.

Stacey was like, I'm gonna bring a surprise for you.

I'm like, don't bring ecstasy bag, please, I'm already depressed.

Don't bring it. Don't want it. You know I can't say no, So don't worry.

If you guys come, I'm not gonna be preer pressuring anyone.

To do more.

You take ecstasy like our usual made ups, don't worry. I'm gonna be a swell, disciplined regular movie watcher.

Oh you are okay, cool?

Yeah, I mean so the next day, like yeah, I had to recover and I was like, I'm just gonna drink and it was good and it was great.

I just realized that like those type.

Of things, I can only do like once a few.

Every like I don't know, six months. I don't really know how people recover from them quickly.

I don't know how people do like two ecstasies, three ecstasies in a row, like three days in a row.

People just keep.

How do you how do you have any serotonin left for to drain out of your brain?

I don't know. I don't know, but there's no way.

I was like, there's no fucking I could do this all the time. I'm just I'm really responsible. Actually that's what poetry Bay told me. He was like, you know, you have like very responsible, illegal fun and I was like, you know what, I agree with that.

I agree.

I mean, I'm sure we've made some bad decisions.

I mean I know, but like they just they're still like I'm still always like present and being like, yeah, that's probably I might die. I mean those days I think our.

Little except Momchella last year, which.

I mean, we weren't gonna die, we were just gonna get and abandoned.

Well, this weekend, Adventure Bay broke up with me because because of myself, because of my own actions.

I'm not going to go into deep detail right now because I'm not prepared for that right now. But he he's gonna be pissed.

But whatever, Adventure Bay, you guys don't judge me. First of all, I stayed at his house.

I took Luna.

It was my first time staying his house overnight with Luna.

Actually she never been to his house.

Like I know, we've been on camping and stuff, but I was already feeling on edge about that. First of all, I'm a cancer, and I'm realizing as a thirty two year old cancer, I am becoming increasingly emotional like I used to be. Like my my Gemini side because I'm on the cusp usually really straightens me out, like I'm not a very emo ass bitch, but like this year, not so much. I'm just crying all the time. I'm just on edge. Everything is a big deal. So I had to My plan was to take Luna with me

I was like, okay, okay, So I set her up. I left, and I was having anxiety about that.

You know, Like one of the things I say is like I'm never gonna like date a guy and let him stay with my kid for extended times. Like, don't trust niggas, don't trust anybody with your baby. Even though I don't have a baby, I have like a tween ager. So like, as I was walking out the door, he just looked at me. He's like, you're doing a good job, and I was like, thank you.

And I don't know why. That made me want to cry. Everything makes me want to cry.

So I get to where I'm going and I start lashing and I said, huh no, no, no, I left my computer and I shouldn't have done that. I have trauma from my baby. Daddy going through my shit, my journals, my computer, my phone.

Any possible ten seconds, anything you could think of.

He will go through. So and I've had like even I had a bad history growing up. Remember I made that sacred language. I have a secret language from childhood because people were going through myself, teachers, my parents, all types of I have trauma from that. And as soon as I got to where I was going, I was like, fuck, I shouldn't have left my computer there. Sure enough, I get back and I could tell something is a little bit off, and I'm like, fuck, what is in my messages?

What have I done? Like I'll admit I'm not perfect.

I haven't been perfect, and this guy pretty much has been adventure my husband like pretty much perfect. So I had no there's no I have no excuses for my behavior. But I felt super violated. And he didn't say anything. He didn't say I went through your shit. But you know, you'd be knowing, you know.

When the energy shifts and you're like, oh shit. And also a guilty conscience will do that too.

You'd be like, oh fuck.

Right, you're scanning through the things, and what did I do? Have I done?

What did I say?

So?

I didn't have.

I had like super anxiety in my gut, like I had to get out of there.

So eventually we left. He dropped us off and I could tell.

I was like, I said I love you when I left, and he's like, I don't feel that way, and I was like, okay, great. So when I got to where I was going, I text like, I fucked up. I'm sorry. He's like explained, and I was like, well, let's just talk in person. And he ghosted me for like three days, which will make a bitch go fucking nuts.

So anyway, I finally talked to him, he dumped me. It got emotional.

I feel like, I don't know, he's like a computer whiz. I don't know how much access to my shit he's had for how long.

I don't know. It was just a lot of unanswered questions.

But at the end of the day, I took I'm taking responsibility for my actions because I know that I was wrong. I'm realizing, like why did I do this? Because I have Nigad tendencies. It's true, I do.

I do.

I have nicod tendencies, and I can really separate sex from emotion easily.

And also like I have I have.

I have a lot of mostly had toxic relationships. I've had seen toxic relationships, and I guess the part of me is like, let me prove that this is also toxic. You know, like this, this is too good to be true.

You know this, I don't toxic feels comfortable.

I don't deserve this and if I maybe, if I do this, I'm gonna pull out you know, his true feelings, you know, or like maybe I'm playing up to like what I've been people have projected on me, and I don't know. There's all types of reasons that I have to like sit down and explore because I feel really fucked up.

He's been really good to me, and so he dumbed me.

Have you ever dumped?

I'm sure I have, But you know that's I also noticed, like I also try to make people dumb me. At the end, he's like, do you consider yourself a hoe? And like mid tiers, I was like, what, no, why do you you don't know? What he said like basically guess, but like I feel like that's what I was getting.

That's what I like, Not that I wanted that you wanted him to call you a hout. I wanted to be like I told you.

I told you like you're not you're an asshole.

Yeah, like I knew, like that's I knew that's how you felt about it.

Yeah, kind of like I knew it, like I knew you were fronting for that. I don't know what, like I don't know why, like why that's my weird sick cycle or why, Like I don't know why.

I don't know why that's like how I felt.

Well. Also, he asked you that, right, Yeah, why did he ask you that?

Because he probably wanted me to know that. I'm huh exactly.

Yeah, well done, so like your feelings are not not valid actually, like that was an asshole thing for him to say. Also, you're an asshole for whatever whatever you did. So you know, I guess it's like a tit for tat type of situation. He wants you to hurt like you hurt that he hurts, like he felt hurt by you. However, I do feel that when men feel when you men use that start using those type of tactics to me, it's a red flag for like what other ways will you make.

Me feel like disgraced by my body and the way I use it? You know, whether or not I'm using it in the in the ways that we've agreed upon, does not make me this or that, you know, And I want you to know that, like you are not, oh yeah, and I know you know that, but I want you to know that because I know that men have violated you. I know that men have said things to you that have made you have to question that in yourself.

And you are not. And you are just a free woman who is trying to figure their shit out right right, you know, And like I'm not going to fault him for it, because I think he's a good guy, but like that can't happen again.

It's just so I think for me, it's just so predictable.

And I even put myself in that position had it been the other way around, and I'd be like, you're a hoe.

Like I don't know, I don't know.

I just think I think men use that word particularly because it's there's so much weight on it. There's been so much weight on it, so immediately, you know, it takes you from here to here, like from the woman that I loved to like some bitch on the street.

Oh that's what it was. This is what it was.

Then prior to that question he said, he said.

You know, it's still it's cool.

We could still go have drinks, you have good sex, And I was like, okay, yes, even mid tears, I was like, listen, we're not gonna go have drinks and we're not gonna have.

Sex like you. It's not what bothered me about it.

Like keep in mind, I know the niggas out there like bitch, Okay, I know I'm a fuck up. I fucked up. I realized that I can't take back those actions. I have no I have no real reason why I did what I did. I don't That's something I have to explore. There are things that I definitely have to heal. Me having casual sex for absolutely no reason is not mature, and I don't know, I have no excuse for that.

But I feel like that those.

Particular comments were just like the same, like taking me from here on this pedestal that you've created for me because he treats me great, and then saying, but I'll dispose of you this way. I'll just I'll use you into like this, like like how you use your like how you're letting other people use you.

And again, I know you're hurt. I know he's hurt.

And the thing about it is like, I know he's not capable of that.

He said that to hurt you specifically because I know that he's probably not capable of taking you to drinks and just fucking you casually because.

Your sex is good.

No, I know that too, but you know, but that's that's what I'm saying, Like he doesn't really feel that way at all, and.

That he said he felt sad for me, which okay, that's sad. I mean, okay, I mean, I don't know. I just I just took it because what am I gonna do, right, Like I'm wrong despite the fact that like you invaded my privacy to get to information.

I'm wrong.

I'm dead wrong, which not much I could say, so I wasn't really trying to defend myself.

But what I did say before I left.

Mid Tiers, I was like, you could you could say you feel sorry for me, you feel sad for me, You could say you know, we can we can fuck occasionally. I'm like, but don't forget that this is this was real three days ago, you know, Like that's my thing, Like we can go through things and we can like have disagreements and people.

Will fuck up. But in the heat of those fuck ups, like where.

Like even in hurt, where am I gonna how how low am.

I willing to go to make you hurt?

That's something I have a big boundary on because I've been in relationships that had none. It was just like fuck you bitch, you trash ass, like like like what you know what I'm saying. So it was a lot of up and down and manipulation that way, and so like.

That that bothered.

Me because he's really not a disrespectful guy and any capacity, and he really hasn't been.

And it's me, like, I have my own issues.

That I have to figure out about monogamy, about my body, about my pussy, about what I like my like is it just that I'd like to have sex and I'm like, eh, let's see it, like let's just do it, or I'm drinking or whatever, or is it is it something deeper than that?

You know?

And I've said that before on the show, like I think we can be powerful women and be liberal and be free and.

And sometimes the truth is there do be a fine nigga. You just want to fucking keep it moving. That is Actually that's true, that happens.

But sometimes when it's a it's an habitual, habitual thing that you do all the time. You at some point as a woman, when you're as you're growing, as you're healing from trauma, you have to acknowledge if there's something deeper than that.

Are you trying to fill a void with people with sex?

Are you trying to avoid something in you know, in yourself, or are you trying to get validated in some way even if it's like the thing is, even if it's people you don't even really care about getting validation from, you know, Is it filling my ego in some way?

I do it to myself, then you can't hurt me.

I can hurt I'd rather hurt myself than like so when I don't, I don't know, does.

That even make sense.

Yeah, no, it doesn't make sense. Absolutely, That's what a masochist is.

And like if somehow it feels like you're lessening the blow, right, right, I already did it, nigad, Right, I already know what I'm doing.

I did it to myself.

You didn't get here first, right, right, And it's almost like that it's because I've had that, Like don't you.

Ever think that you had that capability? Right?

And but it's kind of it is kind of sad because you're like, because I've already done it to myself, right, And I.

Think that goes back to like it's sad because we all do it. We all hurt ourselves constantly.

We do things and we make mistakes that we don't know why, and like we're trying to work through our traumas and like you.

Said, like there is a there's a but there is it's possible to be a.

Liberated woman and have sex and casual sex, but there's also possibility that there's trauma intertwined within that.

And there's both.

And I think it just as we grow, we have to start kind of filtering it out. And what I will say, like, hands down, without a doubt, one hundred and four hundred thousand percent. I as an adult, thirty two year old woman, thirty two year old woman, I.

Have taken and am in a place where I am taking a.

Really long time to learn lessons that I already know the answers to, like a really long time, like fuck up after fuck up after fuck up after fuck up after fuck up, to the point where it's like I won't even tell Erica, I won't even say shits to Erica because I know I've fucked up.

I know I shouldn't be fucking with this person.

I know I'm ashamed and I'm still suck in these toxic cycles. And I think it's even worse that I talk about it every week. Then I am aware and that I just for some reason, there's things that I girl, you.

Know, like I be fucking up, and I'm like you are, You're human, just.

Because you talk about it every week, And like I know, sometimes we talk about like feeling like we have this responsibility because we do talk about our shit every week, and like we're supposed to like be working on shit. But guess what, motherfucker, like we are just we're human too.

I be fucking up too. You know, and like it's okay, it's okay. It's not okay, And I get that. You have to accept that too. You have to understand that too.

It's not okay.

It can't be okay.

But like, no one loves you any less, like I love you no matter what give me. I love you no matter what, whether you tell me or not, whether you're not ready to or whether you never ever fucking tell me. I don't care, and you're not alone, and you're going to be okay.

I know. It's just I'm getting frustrated with myself, you know. And I know I'm not the only one in the world making the same bad.

Decision over and over and over again. But I'm like, what the fuck is the problem? Why do I lack the discipline to make better decisions for myself?

You know?

And because at the end of the day, like it does affect me, And even if I do this shit a hundred times, I'm still affected by And I think it's more frustrating because I can't figure out what the fuck is the problem?

Bitch? Why won't you just stop? It's frustrating for me?

Like you, I can give advice to any of my friends and say this is crazy, this is wrong. I you know, it's easy to judge somebody else, but when it's you, I don't know, Like I want to be gentle, like we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves, but also it's like, bitch, what the fuck are you doing?

It's like a strange it's a strange like it's a.

Strange place to be.

And when you're that self aware, you know, yeah, you think. You just have to think about what happens in those moments that you make those decisions like what what do you What is it that you're you say to yourself? What is the conversation you have or don't have?

What is like?

Where? What do you?

What your what is your mental state? Like are you drunk during that time? Are you smoking weed during that? Like these are all things you have to pick apart, you know what I mean. And it's like you have to then make decisions based on that, like not the overall thing, but like, yeah, I mean, I don't know, I'm not a fucking therapist. That's the only way. That's the only thing I could think of is like me too, because I know I've done stuff repeatedly that have taken me time to learn.

I think you know, you are.

So loving and you are so forgiving, even though you act like you're not. You act like you're not forgiving, and you'll cut a bitch off. You are one of the most forgiving people I've ever met. You have like a heart of and I think it's like you have to like work on the forgiveness of yourself and not putting so much forgiveness in other people and allowing them to, you know, have that power over you, whatever it is.

It's I'm just like and then it's not like there haven't been consequences, you know there are. And I'm like, why am I not learning from these mistakes over and over? Why am I putting my body through this? Why am I putting my soul through this? My feelings going up and down? Why am I doing this? And I can't, for the fucking I can't figure it out. I mean obviously, I just have to be better. There's just like a point where you just decide you're going to be better, but you.

Have to start believing, like treating maybe the the traumas of men and people making you feel that maybe you are worthless is what it is. You feel like you'll.

Be okay, I'm fine, Like my body's fine, this is fine. You're not valuing and putting all of that into yourself because some part of you believes it, you know.

And maybe even like having a partner who maybe believed it or did it, it was.

Too much for you. You wanted him to unvalidate you. Be like all of them. You're just all of them are the same.

There's no way you can't be like everybody else because that doesn't exist. I don't know, but I had a roughbeacond, and you know what, I guess I haven't been dumped lately or in a long time because.

This wasn't fun.

It's not fun being sad or feeling like, you know, like you you fuck something up that was a good thing and I hurt somebody, and that you know, I never want to I don't want to hurt. Well.

I'm sorry that you've had a hard weekend.

But I know that you know your I'm seeing the changes that you're making. You have made changes. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You have, I mean there's things, but like you have.

I mean, I've I'm a come a long way from maybe two years ago, even if I'm still fucking up a lot.

I think, I think if I'm gonna be honest, I think one of your mistakes that you made in this thing is thinking that he wouldn't accept you for all of you and like being totally honest with like everything that you that you actually really I think need if you're gonna be a relationship, the space and the things that you need, and not that he didn't give you space, but I felt like he was down. He's teased down to like take whatever you throw at him. And I think sometimes you get scared.

And you have no reason to be like you are.

Amazing at your full capacity, like even the things that you want and the way that you might need to view relationships and how you really view relationships, and that could be like a scary conversation when you're with someone that maybe doesn't want that right you know, but it's like, no, this is what works for me, and like that I feel, I don't know, you have to give people the opportunity. You can't just give them half and then expect different results. You know how parent hood forces you.

You can't run away anymore. You can, you could, but you won't and I know you, and I know you can't. You won't.

You have to just put yourself first and think about too, you know, like what kind of change you want for Luna too, because I feel like you know you are you're very much like your parents' daughter, you know, but you're self aware of it, but you are. You do repeat some of the shit they do, I know, like everybody else, you know, me to me included, I do shit where I'm like, oh my god, that is exactly like my mom. And that's my least favorite thing about her, you know, m.

You know, so, I don't know.

I think you just have to eliminate the You have to just I tell you, like, one thing at a time. Just eliminate one thing at a time. It's like you don't have to be change all these things immediately. And what I was saying is just like the honesty thing, like you're so honest. Look at you, like right here, like, you know, we've done this thing every week because of honesty, Like people you know, relate to this shit right here because of honesty, Like you have the capacity to be

Yeah, I do think I have some attachment issues or abandonment issues or whatever the fuck whatever way, but I I even noticed because me, okay, so I told Eric at this, but me and my mom got into an argument in front of Luna. Me we gotta have an interesting relationship. But we got into a fight in front of Luna and she was cursing me out basically in front of Luna, like get the fuck out of.

My car, fuck you bitch.

And Luna was in the back seat like turning up Like I just got quiet because I realized she was driving a little erratic. My kid was in the car, and I wasn't about to win. I was just like, let me get to where we're about to go and let me get out. So I wasn't really saying much, but I noticed my ghetto ass baby and the back seat.

Was like my mom stopped talking to my mom like that be quiet. My mom start arguing and.

She was like turned up, like completely turned up like I was.

She was yelling at my mom and I.

Wasn't even really yelling, and I was like, this is absolutely insane. So we get out the car and I get in the elevator and I start crying because it was just a lot in like a ten minute period. You know, me and my mom have a very up and down relationship. There's issues that she needs to do with, even to the point where I'm like, I don't should I cut her off? Like should I? Should I? Can I not be around her? Can I not let my

And I was.

Crying in the elevator and Luna was like surprise, like why are you crying? Like hugging me, but she was so unfazed by this entire exchange. It was so like to her like yay, I'm a customer, Grandma out, I'm gonna get out and we're gonna keep going about the day. And I was like, oh my god, this is crazy. Like my parents fought a lot growing up. I saw that a lot, to the point where when I turn eighteen and I moved to Atlanta, I was like, don't fucking call me. I was like, I was counting down

It scared me, it did.

And then like I was upset and like that's another thing, like I can talk, but I don't like to talk about my own shit. I feel like I haven't been taught to talk about shit like that, Like like it's so it's so personal. It's my family. You don't talk about your family. You don't talk about those type of personal things, and like you just keep it pushing. So I called Erica and like talk to her for a minute,

You know, that's immediately how I felt.

I felt like ugh, and I even projected it, like as if he was the emotional one, and I like, I was annoyed.

And when I got to the park, I knew he was about to ask me.

He's like, so tell me about your day, because that's the kind of nigga. He is, like a very nigga who wants to be a part of your life and know what's going on, you know, like a good one.

So I was like wow. I was like, let me tell you. I'm really feeling anxiety.

You have this conversation, I don't really want to talk about it, and he's like okay, and I was like, I know I told you earlier this happened, so it doesn't make a lot of sense. But I'm realizing I have I'm having anxiety talking about like opening up about this like very personal shit to me.

And I'm that way, Like we could talk here all the time, and I do.

We get very honest, but there's a lot of shit, you don't know what going on between and Ericas and I was live, like we got a lot of shit, like it could look it sound cool, but there's still

And so it's becoming more urgent where I think in your.

Twenties, you're like can you could just keep doing going in cycles without really questioning it, But when you physically see somebody else absorbing that toxicity, you're like, oh, fuck, Like am I what am I doing?

How can I stop this?

And even like this is long, So even right before all this stuff I got broken up with, he had made a comment to me after I've told him about this.

He was just like, you know, about our future and about like.

Really hoping that we can create an environment that will, you know, continue the pattern of trauma that we've both experienced in our family life.

And I never had a nigga say that to me.

I've never even had a partner who was like like in tune enough to say that, And that you know, meant a lot to me at that time. But I think and all honestly, it just also scares the shit out of me. Someone who's serious and real and seems like there's a potential for it to be like Wow, there's really nothing wrong with this person. It's very very scary, and I just think I got scared, and I've been scared and I've been looking for a reason to fuck

Yeah, have you been talking about her?

Hope?

No, I took a break, but I need to go back because clearly I have issues that I need to work on and that I'm happy that I said this today that I have problems talking about myself because even in therapy, I find myself like kind of like talking like I can I can therapize myself like I'm rational as fuck.

I'm not smart. I'm rational though, so.

A lot of them, but a lot like a lot of times I can I can feel myself being guarded in certain places saying shit but not really saying it because it feels too emotional. So I just I think I have to just reapproach my life with a different set of like skills and applying myself and really being vulnerable and really being like really not giving a fuck, you know, really not giving a fuck, being able to like unhinge and like unravel and just being like this

Everybody? How's everyone buying houses?

I'm like, who is money to buy houses?

What do you do?

How when?

Like where what my friends talk?

My friends talk about buying houses like oh, well it's one point a and like.

One point eight thousand? What the fuck? Where do I? Why do I live here? Why did I come here?

What am I gonna do here, Like honestly, it gives me anxiety, and so I'm just sorry this is a ram.

No, but I no, I think that you just figured out what you need to do. I think that's really like you just need to start talking more. But like honestly, yes, yes, yes, not talking about a problem.

Talking no problem talking no, And like that's.

The practice right there, Like when someone asks you how you're doing and you're not okay, not being like I'm good, grom fine, Like really, if someone's asking, it's because they want to they want to make sure, and like maybe you don't feel comfortable with telling that specific person, but don't feel that way with everybody. Give people the chance to help you and to like be there for you and support you and show up for you.

That's also really hard for me.

When he was trying to like help me, I was just like it's okay, like and I don't need that, you know.

Like I wouldn't.

I don't want to ask. It's hard for me to accept. It's hard for me to be like I'm vulnerable, I'm fucked up right now. Like it's hard for me to say those things. And I think it's a lot because in my family, Like it's like this.

Is our business.

You know, you don't tell your business, Like these are things like to me like make me.

Look weak or feel weak even saying.

But the truth is, like we're human and there's going to be ups and there's going to be downs, and like that's just life. And just like I'm always happy, though I'm generally a happy person, Like my circumstances doesn't really equate my happiness, but like sometimes I am super emotional and I want to get out of bed, and I'm like lazy and I'm not doing the things I know I need to do because.

There's probably shit I need to work through.

And that you had like a very intense few weeks girl, like you know with your the thing with your mom, and you know, just there's underlying things happening and you just have to start checking things off the list and giving your releasing the pressure of certain things. And if that means like taking a break from your mom, then

Out of me.

But like I'd rather do that than Luna said a boundary with you later because you didn't do the work you had to do.

Imagine that. Imagine how that would feel, you know.

And I think I think being honest and vulnerable and whatever, whether that's with therapy, with me, with whoever you feel comfortable with, and do that.

You have to talk for things. Do you see how much you just talked through right now, and like you have to do that.

I guess at the end of the day, like we could all be scared of being judged.

I mean we all are to some capacity scared of being judged, scared to be looked at a certain way, or you know, someone be able to say something negative about you. But at the end of the day, like everybody goes through shit, so the same person casting judgment has their own shit going on all the time.

You know, there's nobody out here doing perfect, No, absolutely not.

And I think, you know, we're in such an age of social media where it literally does look like everybody else is doing perfect.

And like we live like we grew up in the valley. Most of my friends are doing.

Pretty well because they have safety debts, they have their parents, they have you know, businesses that were given to them, or opportunities like you know, for them to figure out what their lane is or what they're gonna do, or you've you've you've had a net to be like, well, I'm gonna try this, so I'm gonna try.

That where a lot of people don't.

And when I like living in an environment where all of my friends have these that set up, it's like, fuck, I'm so far behind or you know, my like.

But you're not.

But you're not because take all that in mind, that where would they be with all that, all that, all those things.

Well that's just why like social media fucking la its shit is so fake.

You know, the shit is not real. It's not realistic. Like we're all out here struggling.

In something, you know, like whether it be finances, Like I'm like, we all hope to be better and we're all growing. But you can't compare yourself to other people, and you can't expect for everybody to understand where you're at. You can't expect for everyone to understand your circumstances or where you're at, because some people really don't understand because they're not in that situation at all.

And so it's just like keeping all that in mind, those.

Might be the people that maybe you don't like.

I mean, I think you need to constantly communicate and open up, but like I just feel like sometimes maybe you open up to people that you feel like you can't relate and you don't get like you don't get really the feedback that you need or that you're expecting, and then it turns you off and wanting to talk it all again. And then it sets you off and you're like, yeah, yeah, I never mind.

That's why I don't tell people shit, right, you know, right right. So finding those people that you feel comfortable sharing those.

Things with, well, well I kind of even felt like I wanted to feel that way, and I know it's my own self sabotage. Like like I said, with like Adventure Bay, I wanted to be like, oh yeah, I knew it. Like see, I started opening up and like you know, and like I've been in between places.

I was staying with my mom. Me and my mom don't get along well.

And that's been like very heavy burden on me because I do have a kid, because that's.

Not where any mom wants to be.

But then at the end of this conversation with him, He's like, do you want me to help you get your stuff?

You know I had stuff there.

Like not a whole bunch of shit are kind of but so I'm like collecting my stuff. My Stacy came to get me. Thank you Stacy for being a writer. She's like, be there in fifteen. Do I need to fight?

Yes?

Yes, say I love that bitch took my massage table from him, like put it in the backseat. Oh man. But like I just was like.

Getting comfortable and having stuff so many places I should at Airca's house, I got you had a mama's house. I got shit everywhere. My shit is everywhere. I probably have a suitcase in five places right now, honestly. But like collecting my shit and putting it in my friend's car was like I was like having some kind of even though I know all of this shit I brought upon myself every single thing that happened, like I'm not not taking your responssibility.

But then like.

Almost that was not satisfying, but like sadly satisfying because it's just like I knew I couldn't.

Be comfortable here, and you know, like I know, like I need to stop but then being picked up like a baby thing from the mushrooms, but like just getting comfortable in places, and then feeling like you're not.

Comfortable, like you can't be comfortable, you can't be.

Like there you go again.

You can't be vulnerable, you can't be just like I'm fucked up right now, you know, And it hurt me.

And I know it's selfish because I know I hurt him, but it was just I don't know, I have issues and I need to call the therapist, you know, I think it's but it's self inflicting.

I know it is.

No but you know what, all these things happened. They had to these things.

It had to happen, Mila, like that all this should had to happen. You haven't been hurt and been hurting like this and acknowledging it in a really long time. So like this is.

All crying like all the time, and it was a fuck good.

It's because your body can't hold attention anymore for you. Your body's like, no, bitch, there's no more space. Like the computer, there's no more capacity, is full of bit this full must release eject eject yet.

Oh my god, that's why it's coming through our technology. It's me.

I'm like you. The reasons for me.

My phone is always full, both computers are always full. There's never time technology works smoothly because my my personal life is spilling over into our work.

I think.

Another good thing I want to challenge you to do is like I know you're gonna move soon, and I need you to start consolidating. I mean, because it's gonna be therapeutic. I'm just telling you, like I think one day I'll even help you, Like just bring all your shit here and let's go through it. Let's organize it so that when you do move, it's not like you bringing all this baggage A minimalist no, but like I

To move, you got it and it's.

Minimal and it's easy and you're not starting somewhere stress out.

No, I'm not, I'm not.

I like, you just have to simplify ship and like make take the pressure the things that you can control, take control of them.

Yeah, And I don't know why I have a problem with that.

I'm I just I do, and I do. I know I have to deal with ship head on and I don't. That's a big problem with mine, and I just need to break it.

Yes, can you guys go in the other room or almost done me? Yeah, cut your shoulder, trying to frank you guys a treat?

Thank yous are like little fairries.

And another thanks baby thanks. I gotta stop letting her watch this. She just watches like these scripted like Disney shows.

That the one first of all, Andrea Adrianna Grande what her name Ariana Grande used to be on it used to be on a Disney show.

Oh, I remember that.

It's like a scriptive show. It's for older kids. But she's like hey Jesse, Yeah, hey, it's like hey Jesse. But La is mature, so she can fall along with she shouldn't be able fall on with and so she's like picking up shit.

And I don't like it.

They're not mature, they're just at their age. They're we are just not acknowledging that they just understand more ship.

We want it. We're ready for them to know.

And then we talked about the moms are like, okay, Jackie.

We're going to the park.

The guys, why, Jackie's gonna act like a kid much longer than these fucking brats.

Maybe we should have babied that.

We should have bathed them long. I should have spoon fed them until yesterday.

Okay, well I know, I don't know.

I'm gonna go to therapy. I'm gonna go to better help and schedule this. As soon as we get off of this.

We're gonna organize your ship. I'm excited because you know I love a project.

I'm met your Erica's project. No, not you, your stuff.

I'm gonna organize. We're gonna organize all that ship.

You probably have some cool ship you forgot you had that needs to be resurfaced.

We probably have some ship you need to throw away and say.

You probably get some shit on marketplace to.

Oh my god, Oh my god, I'm putting everything on my Facebook market Oh my god, I'm so so excited.

My Facebook marketplace is pretty lit.

Did you want to read this?

Horry just more? Oh my god, I had you know what, I've just noticed. I want to tell that Horyna be so long.

So every time we said we're gonna have a short episode and what just us, it's fucking long.

We never told this.

Story about the birthday party and about she could forget Cogetter.

Oh yeah, that was a good one.

Can we tell both?

Yeah?

Okay, horry time.

Who stories?

Okay, it's hoary time. Oh okay.

Also, my ex in the midst of this breakup told me that I should look into voiceovers for animation porn.

Oh, And I.

Was like, I an argument, Like I don't know, I don't know how this slid in there, But I.

Was like, how do you find those job listings? But I was like, right, I should like the animate Oh okay.

Anyway, once upon a time, Erica and I early COVID, went to our girlfriends. They are very rich bitch friends. She had a very classy birthday party at a mansion in Hollywood Hills, and she had like a very select few of ten friends come for a private chef dinner.

And you know, we all got dressed up. It was COVID. No one had dressed up in a long time. I don't think we posted because we were scared. We were scared.

We don't want anyone to shame us. We're going to a ten person gathering that we went. So, you know, we're sitting, we're having drinks and sent two is fucking candy in my mouth. Eric is on her our DMS and she's like, we have a very special listener. We do a very special listener. Like that's another thing. We have a very special job. So we have different, like very different friends, and they come in all different shapes and sizes. That's when like Adventure was looking through my DMS.

I know.

I'm like, I was like, I'm a dom in my DM. I'm a whole dom. I'm collecting cash apps as a dom in my DM. So like, you're gonna get really sidetracked. I'm telling me, I guess you could suck come out of all our pussies. Never just see them, you know whatever. Oh my god, I hope that my real stub doesn't hear that. Okay, So we have a special friend.

Yeah, he's in Atlanta. He's out Atlanta.

We've met him like this point is fun point and he has a nice ass Penis, Like.

Beautiful both beautiful, beautiful Penis.

I'm talking like eight and a half in me, like night, it's growthy, it's nice, it's nine inches and a beautiful, Like shit is huge.

I haven't seen it lately. You're always getting him first. Okay when you Okay, he just asked a request one.

He just sent me some stuff recently.

Okay, it's just so beautiful.

Okay, anyway, anyway, I made it very beautiful, bougie private chef dinner in the Hollywood Hills. Erica goes, oh, we call him sugar, don't ask us why, Sugar. Her just DMed me and he wants he wants to meet. He wants to he wants me to see him come. But I told him I was with ten girls. So I asked him if we can all watch him come. So we're like, yeah, good idea.

He's of course he's down because he's a voyeurist.

Yeah.

So she we FaceTime him.

But I didn't realize you this tep of artist. I was very impressed and happy.

It was like the greatest save everybody's lives.

She uh facetimed, like I FaceTime Instagram FaceTime him and he's jacking jacking off his big beautiful dick, just jacking up, and we're all passing the phone around.

And first of all, we're all at dinner dressed like picturesque like dressed.

It's so nice. No one's dressed this nice in like five months.

And we're at this beautiful house and we're all these like horny bitches crouching around a fucking long table, a.

Long dinner table, just like all like she's standing up showing everybody on the phone and we're.

Passing it around.

We're like fucking Hyaenas like I'm pulling out a titty. It's like giving him inspiration like we were going.

You would have think we were fucking Hyaenas about to go like in on some prey.

Right then he tells us count down.

Oh my god, he couldn't have said anything better. We got so excited.

We're like ten nine e seven five four three two what And he's not U everywhere and we're like, oh my god.

Crowd goes crazy on QUE you guys on Q, I tell you like a movie.

It was like you can't make this up. I don't.

We have the best dms that ever lived, And everybody was so happy and we even like sent a couple of years cash cash cheptain.

He has a real job, but he was happy to do it, but he was.

He did such an a one performance that I mean wow, and not only that, like I just realized a women are fucking hyenas, okay, because I think like maybe two like an hour later, like her boyfriend, like two guys came and the vibe totally change.

We're like, they're like, hi, are you lasterious? Clever? But like five minutes before we're like, like you women also got on top of the table.

We were like howling.

We were literally howling. Like after it was done, we had to look at ourselves like are.

We was that human? Are we even here?

Are animals?

And like do we all need better?

Somebody called better help group session right now, So I don't know vibe. We never teld that story, but it was beautiful and shout out to sugar got.

Okay, here we go.

Whoor Story number two.

A year ago, I was dating this guy, let's call him Tate.

I think I knew it wasn't going to work out.

He was definitely a rebound to get over my baby daddy, but still I got tired of playing with my own pussy and needed consistent dick, so why not. Anyways, I broke up with him one day and one of my best guy friends, let's call him Nick, came over to take my mind off the situation.

Taken. Nick had take and Nick was just a tongue twister. Tate and Nick had.

Never talked to each other or officially met, but I'd see each other in passing and knew each other only through me. So Nick and I were sitting in my living room getting high. My Tate pulls up to the house and starts blowing up my phone begging me to come outside. He knew I was inside with Nick because his car was in the driveway, and so he was doing anything he could to get me to come outside.

Diffuse the situation.

It was pointless because he got upset and when he saw I was wearing just a long T shirts and booty shorts and started to argue it was my house, I do what I want. So I dubbed that and went back inside. That's right, girl, Tate dead ass came up to the porch and started kicking at my door, like the damn Feds anyways. Now, to be honest, my friend is fine as fuck, and I've had a thing for him since I was fifteen years old I'm now thirty. I always thought he had a thing for me too,

I was like, okay, friend.

He pushed my head down and I went straight to work.

I started giving him head right in my living room with my ex banging on my front door, literally just a few feet away from us. He was playing with my He was playing with my pussy, and he clearly was loving it and talking about he's been waiting for this for years and talking all nasty to me.

Now.

At this point, my pussy was throbbing dripping.

She was ready, he was.

He finally bent me over and started eating my pussy from the back. Things got loud and crazy real quick. Keep in mind, the banging on the door is still carrying on. Nick ended up picking me up and started fucking me on the dining table. Now the table is in front of a big window, like almost floor to ceiling, and on the other side of the window is my front deck that leads to my front door, the front door my ex was banging on. So Nick turns me

I can't our eyes were locked. That shit turned me the fuck on. I was coming so hard, streaks down the glass like the scene in the Titanic. Our eyes were locked. That shit turned me the fuck on. I was coming so hard.

So Nick put me in this position where I was holding myself myself up on one side with my one leg and one hand, had my other leg up over his shoulder.

Okay, okay, kama su true. Wait.

The table I was on is right next to the front door, and I don't know what possessed me to reach over with one free hand and unlocked the door.

But I sure.

Am done with you.

This is honestly, I didn't even Oh my god, I'm so glad I didn't read this all the way through. I read half this, you guys, and I was like, oh no, this is happening.

We're reading this.

So Nick put me in his position. Okay, wait, where am I shit? Okay, and unlocked the door, but I sure did. My X walks in and pushes me down on my back. So now I'm all laid out on the table like a full course meal with one man's dick in my pussy and the other one in my mouth, and turned into a full blown threesome. They took turns eating my pussy and I lost track of how many times I came for both of them. A bitch was lightheaded as fuck. It was truly a team effort, like

The same time.

Oh wow, your life is a porn.

I was sporting all over the damn house when I tell you I had the best sex of my life.

Nothing could ever top that.

Uh yeah, my whole entire life existence Like many lives, it's probably fantasy.

It's porn. Did this happen right, it's too perfect. It's porn.

Okay, it was like some porn no fantasy shit for everyone. I'm sure we legit all had sex till like six in the morning. This was like five straight hours of NonStop sex. Anyways, in the end, I completely cut off my ex after that and never spoke to him again. Good farewell sex, though, and my friend has now become my permanent fuck buddy the end.

Wow, that was beautiful that she like that never happens to me.

That's just that's what you call love story. That is called that's a hoary love story.

That is a hory fucking love story. It just happens so easily. Just wow, I mean it just turned. It took a turn for the better. Okay, Well, well.

I'm so glad that that. I'm so glad that happened for you. Fucking kudos to you.

Honestly, that is like you like, your whole entire sex life is just on ten.

It's on ten. You've You've topped everyone and everyone.

Everyone real life porn fantasies like anger, jealousy, TI turn turn feast.

Like that's amazing.

Anyway, guys, we will catch you guys next week. If you guys are interested in joining Better Help, we have a link in our description, and also make sure you subscribe tour newsletter Goodbomesbad Choices.

Dot com and to our Patreon because I'm probably gonna go into much more deeper detail about my breakup on Patreon because I'm scary.

Yeah, Patreon is where we really like talk about all our ship because we get a little nervous one here, whether you believe it or not.

So go to patreon dot com, backslash, good Mom's Bad Choices. You can't just go to Patreon and type us in because we are explicit, So you got to put the whole thing in the search search bar. Patreon dot com, Good Mom's Bad Choices.

Packslash, Good Mom's bat Choices, Instagram, good Moms, but good whatever, it's all good moms.

No, just fine.

And also, yes, you better fucking comment and review, okay, because we said so.

God damn it. This is important comment and review.

We bear our souls, we cry. You can leave a review. Okay, you know my business.

You get a ship for freak least you could do. It costs you nothing.

All right, we'll see you guys next week.

Please like I did the last three s Comboby Lamoiselle La ranzol

Mm hmm