Sexual Shame and Step Mommying Feat. Jess Hooper

I think I really want to go. Some days I want to fallow love Mondy go Bay. I my heart is wet elver heen Maysday, I think I really want to go. Somedays I want to fallow love Mondy go Bay, and my heart is we elva heen Maysday. How's it you?

Happy moment that again.

Dream a cross Susy.

You and me?

Hello, welcome back. This is good mom's bad choices. I'm Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday. I hope you guys are having a good week. I hope you guys are getting ship done. Any of the intentions that you set this week. If you didn't set any intentions, set them today and kill that shit. Wonderful motivational speech that was just greant. You know you can book me in air Collocal College. I will do a community college for I don't think, not quite ready for you know, ivy League,

Guys, I'm still coughing week forty seven. Still coughing.

Sorry. I would say that's not because she's smoking. By the way, no, it's not.

In fact, Erica forbid me from smoking. Have you guys watched on Netflix The Tony Robinson Experience or some shit? No, Oh my god, it's hilarious. I guess he's like a motivation Oh.

Right, right, that's this girl was like travels to see him speak. This girl, I know, is she crazy? She seems really level headed. It took a long time to say that she's Australian. She's one of those Australian influencer girls. Okay, we need to watch it. She seems really very positive.

He's it's hilarious. I'm honestly like, who the fuck is going to see this guy?

Really? He's like, what's your problem? It's your dad, isn't it. I know it.

You'll dad, it's actually I love my dad. Think a little harder, she'll dad. It's black, no being giant white man. But he's like telling everybody with their problems it's usually their dad, Like he hates dads.

It is the dad. You might like him accurate, but he's like a billionaire.

He's like so fucking rich, off this shit telling people about their life problems their dad. So basically all that to say, I support you. Being a modivational speaker at community colleges so I think I'll be your assistant and hopefully you make millions.

Right, there's a lot of I feel like, actually, community colleges are widely underlooked for that, and there's so many more of them, Like I could cake the fuck.

Up you could.

There was like certain like certain avenues like motivational speaking, being a pastor, you know, like people when they're low.

I can be anything at this point, because I was studying picture, I was sending screenshots to Jamila of all because we were trying to find like different specialists to come on and literally you can be a fucking specialist in anything you want. Because there was like a specialist in like sexual healings, a specialist in like like transitional I don't even know. It was like some shit I never even heard of, but I don't even know how you become a specialist in it, Like is there a chorus?

I was like, what professional parent, progressive parent scientology, Like it's just anything, Which spiritualist, Yeah, which astrologists, parental mom, midwife, doula, an astrology expert.

It was like, yeah, it was like a movement energy spiritualist expert. Basically, make your own title and run with that ship, you know what. Low key more power to them because I don't claim to be a specialist in anything, so they're obviously doing something right. And I'm you know.

We're podcasts, podcast engineer, photo shoot director, coordinated specialists.

Just made up. No, I'm a semi I'm a parenthood open I fuck up sometimes specialist, that's what. Anyway, you're what you missed it? You missed the whole story because you'll have to you'll have to listen to my podcast to find out. Anyway, Today we have a guest, Jess Hooper, who was we were connected through a mutual friend of ours Isoila Darden. Shout out to Soila. Whoila is always like connecting me to amazing women, connecting me to like

Coming, thank you for having me, and and yes, shout out so other for the introductions and yeah, I'm excited to be here.

Can you tell us about on the Fence? Yes, and anything else you have going on right now.

So I'm doing a conversation series called on the Fence, and it's about just that, about being on the fence about big decisions, primarily motherhood, career, and relationships. It's been coming up in my personal life a lot where I'll have friends who are like, Okay, I don't want to be a mom, and I'm like great, and I'm back to the conversation that we were having before. But then they start asking me about so link, so how did you afford preschool?

And you know, like how are you know? How did it impact your marriage?

And I'm like, you got a lot of questions for somebody that don't want kids, like do you want to tell me something? And then usually it turns out like, Okay, well I'm saying I don't because I don't want kids with my current partner. I don't know if I'm going to be able to afford it, and I'm like, Okay,

And usually the.

Answer is like you get a lot of resistance because then she's like, actually it's these five other things and just like.

Well you must just talk about it. I think everything.

Getting out of your own way, I think really essentially.

Is and it starts with a conversation. And I think it has to be a certain type of conversation where it's not judging.

It's not like well you just need to shoot together, or.

It's your dad, Like let's just have an honest conversation about it, and I bring in experts, not just made.

Up specialists, actual expert You could look at the credentials and everything to ask for people showing up to ask questions too.

So this first one's on motherhood, and my first expert is a midwife. She has the first credited birthing center in Los Angeles. Her name's Elizabeth Backner and Elizabeth delivers babies for a living.

Wait was that the graceful? Okay, it's so funny because I actually went to her facility when I was pregnant, because I think it's that one, is it. Yeah, yeah, I've stalked to her before.

Okay, yeah, never stop worthy.

Yeah, No, her facility gets like I mean, and she has a great reputation. I mean, I definitely I think I googled birth centers and she was one of the first ones that popped up, and yeah, that's amazing. I actually I can't wait to hear you know her what she has to say in perspective and everything.

Yeah, she's amazing, like, delivers babies for a living, has a birth center, no children of her own, which I thought was fascinating. I didn't realize that there were a lot of midwives out there that have no children.

Yeah, a lot of them, yeahtually, even Erica.

And so her reasons behind it were very layered and she's very open about it. She has like a a long Instagram post that I saw where she talks about, you know, during her child bearing years, where like the money wasn't right and the support wasn't right.

And you know, just making peace with that.

And and I think her quote is, you know, I'm being a good parent by not having children.

Mmm.

And I just thought like, Okay, that's something we don't talk about, like normally we just want to wag our fingers at somebody like, you know, why aren't you doing your your role as a woman by having a kid.

And I'm like, that's her only duty in life? Every producer, No, I think it's always I think, even me, like I've had to unlearn things too, like when I hear people that don't want to have kids, where I used to hear when people would openly say that, like I have a girlfriend, not a Lita on my girlfriend not Alita who for as long as I can remember, I don't want to have kids. I don't want to have kids.

I think a lot of our podcasts has been centered around I think a lot of our podcast has been centered around just breaking out of the norms and the programming that we've been taught, like not only as parents, but as women, that we've been like soap programmed into thinking certain ways and just that, like, we forget that. We have to break that shit and start over and redefine things for yourself because.

It doesn't make a lot of sense because you don't the.

Center of sole purpose. We don't have to have babies. We don't have to have babies in a two parent home. We don't have to stay married. We don't have to be married. And that shit's okay too, you know, so we don't have to have a partner.

Yeah, Like ever, all.

Of this kid's so overlooked, and I like you. I googled birthing centers from when I was pregnant, and that's how I found Elizabeth as well.

She was your wife.

She was awesome, she was and like, right out the gate, I knew that this was the person I needed to have around me. So the early part of my pregnancy, I was terrified of miscarrying.

Like I just felt like this.

I don't even want to get excited about this baby, because it's not gonna happen, if you.

Know what I mean. Ask you how old were you when you got pregnant.

I'm twenty eight, twenty nine, so I was definitely a grown ass person and married, and I just remember being at my prenatal visits with her, and finally she asked me one day, She's like, why are you so afraid of losing this baby? And I'm pretty sure I didn't give her this answer in that moment, But through years of kind of unpacking it, I realized that I didn't feel like I deserved my daughter. I didn't feel like I yeah, I just didn't feel like I deserved her.

I didn't do life right, you know, air quote right.

So you know my family, they're very loving, but they were very religious for a long time, and it was like quite a few of the people, like in my family and in our circle, like they did the purity ring ceremony.

Like what is that?

Oh, that's where you pledge your allegiance to the Lord that you're not going to have sex until you're married.

There's a ceremony in the church. Yeah, have you heard of this?

I went to goth this.

Oh my gosh, so much pressure.

WOA, how hold were you when you make like I didn't make it.

I didn't make it. I didn't make it.

At no, I knew I was gonna be fucking you make it sick. Yeah, yeah, so I was probably, you know, sick on the day of the ceremony.

Trying to reschedule, Like did all the girls in the church have you go that day?

Have you been to a ceremony? What does it consist of?

I haven't been.

We have so many questions.

I did not go.

What sect of Christianity is this?

I did not go.

I didn't want any parts of it. I would just try to like leave the room if the conversation came up.

They never asked me.

To do it. Was this from your school or from your.

Parents, not even my parents, but like my church, and so my cousins, like I think two of them did it around what age was this like fifteen sixteen, Like right around the time you start thinking about fucking.

Well, what about parents? Were they like you missed you?

They never pressured me to do it, But this is just what I saw. So this is where I knew. I was just taking it in and like nobody ever asked me why I didn't do it, when was I going to? I just saw it happening and didn't realize I had carried it with me through adulthood, where I was like, okay, you you didn't do any of the things that you were supposed to do. You didn't wait until you were married and you were out. Like everyone has a whole phase.

I don't say you when you lost your originity?

Oh god, sixteen, when were you able?

I mean you said your parents were pretty religious. So did they talk to you about sex? Were you able to talk to Yes, she lost your virginity did you talk to her about it?

By accident?

So she had a really good talk with me, and it involved photographic evidence of what a STD would look like.

She's a nurse. Oh so, oh no, it's kind of a horror reference. It's actually good.

No, they they did it to us in school. It's like sex and they show you the clips of all. Yeah, but sometimes it's better if it's coming from a parent.

Yeah, like when you're just sitting at the kitchen table and she's like, I'm sure, yeah, this is untreated. And she wasn't showing it to me to like say, don't.

Have sex, but this is what could happen.

She was like, just make sure you're like always being safe about it. So for me that was liberating. I was like, Okay, I can go out and have all the sex that.

I will do it right.

I was never afraid of.

It, Like, okay, you know the first time you have sex, you're gonna catch a disease and have a baby.

I was like, not the way I'm having sex. I'm good.

Did your parents wait till marriage?

I don't think so.

I never asked them. But they got married like three months after meeting each other.

Some of them.

They're like no, or maybe they were like, look, let's get married so we can get too wicked.

I don't think it was.

No.

Actually, you know, I know for a fact my mom didn't.

Are they still married?

No?

No, they were in the military, So I feel like that probably into it too, like you want to get married quick so they can't separate you.

But oh, I didn't know that was a thing either.

Oh, military people love getting married.

They do.

I thought that was for the benefits. I thought so too. So it's because then you can't get like like you always have to be together wherever you go, you're if you're transferred.

Here to Yeah, that's why they'd be so quick to get married.

Got it interesting?

Okay, So if you ever just want a quick husband, find.

You won't find me or any of my family members in the military. Actually, it's so funny that you said that, because my brother was like military. Yeah. To my stepdad was like, did he discourage that? Immediate?

Absolutely?

I was like, what the fuck did you say? He was like, I was like, WHOA hold up? Cool, right, he's because my brother's in a place now where he's may know where he wants to what he wants to do, where he wants to be. I mean, he's gonna go to college regardless. I mean for some I'm not with the military, Well the fuck no. I mean shout out to the people that I've you know, projected our country

I just think, especially as like a woman of color, I can't imagine like sending my black child to protect a country that's never protected us.

It doesn't really make a lot of sense.

There's a lot of conflict with it.

So my my family is heavily military and and I you know, they're very aware of like, Okay, this country really ain't for you that.

Way, but the benefits that you can get. I'm here.

I'm here for what I can and you.

Know, I've seen people come up with it and my parents definitely benefited from it. But I always tell Peven, like, the reason I didn't join is because my parents did, Like they did it so that I wouldn't have to. So I think a lot of people that are looking to join, maybe they're looking to do it so that their kids in the future won't have to.

And you know, it's it bothers me. And I think also like like economically where you are, it makes a different yea, And it what bothers me. I know that for some people it isn't out, and that makes sense. You can get in and get out, get your education. But I think that I'm bothering me about the militaries. A lot of times they target kids in the inner city.

Well, I mean, but then at the same time, it's like, well, for some of these kids, and I know they don't go, they're gonna be getting their asses in trouble. That's like I get it. It's like a double edged sword.

It's like, yeah, benefits. Then there's also like it's it's definitely complex. I think if you can make it work for you, then you're you're good if you just go and you're like, I didn't get ship out of it?

The system?

Yeah, like are we are? We quoting Players Club quotes? I love this is that's the Players Club kind of what is it? Make the money they make you?

Okay, well that's interesting. I mean so so then because of that, your upbringing and you know, you're maybe were y did were I know your family was religious, but were you religious enough at any point? No.

I would show up because I had to, but I was never like fully invested in it. So I think also I was battling with that, like should I have been more committed to it? And you know, why don't I believe the same things that they believe in?

And all of this just showed up.

I I'd been like kind of going through life without even thinking about it, and it's just like so far gone.

I'm like I'm happy I'm doing me.

And then during the pregnancy that's when at all, like just kind of came rushing back at me like, oh, you're not at peace with a lot of this M to the point where you don't think you deserve your baby MM. And Elizabeth asking me that, and she I think it made such a difference because she didn't just brush me off like no, no, it's fine, you're just you're being ridiculous, like cause.

She could have and like you have doctors probably would have yeah.

And so she was like, no, let's talk about this. And it was that.

And then just going through the pregnancy of me realizing the financial that I was about to take on, Like my anxiety just shot up throughout the entire time, so I didn't really get to enjoy being pregnant. I was so caught up and how are we gonna afford this? And I had a high deductible all my health insurance and just all this crazy shit that eventually got worked out M. But I was like, I see why people would say nah, O D I'd never sign up for this MM, because once I was in it, I was like, oh,

And he wanted her in the delivery room.

MM.

I didn't want anyone in the delivery room mm again, because I was still terrified that something was gonna go wrong, even.

Up to the very last minute.

Wow, Okay, So I was like, I just want my mom and my husband and of course any medical people that need to be there. And Elizabeth helped me navigate, like how to have that conversation of I don't want your daughter in the delivery room. It's nothing against her, it's nothing against you. This is just where I'm at. And I don't think I would have been able to have that type of conversation without hurting feelings without.

How did he? How did he was he receptive to that or was it not? At first?

That's why I had to recruit her into help, because at first, I like, just at the mere mention of.

It, why was it so important for his daughter to be there?

I think because he wasn't there for her birth. I feel like he was trying to make up for something.

I can understand it. I wouldn't want Luna to be in the room when if I get birked again, he.

Said, you wouldn't.

I would, but that's your daughter. But it's it's it's but it's his daughter, it's her sibling. So likeent delivery, and it was one thing if she had a daughter already. And then he was like, I don't want your daughter in the birth of our daughter.

Yeah, but I mean yeah, I can see him like wanting to make up for But I I because I know how much that's important for me. Even if her dad is not gonna be the same dad, I can get it. But that's I mean, that's a that's a tough situation to be had. I mean, it's a tough situation to be a step parent period.

Whoof.

And I have another girlfriend who's going through it like right now with a teenager daughter, and it's.

Like, it's not for the faint of heart, it's not.

It's not like that is a struggle within itself. How do you deal with that? Is her?

Is her mother very active in her life?

Yes?

And so is your relationship with her mother copesthetic.

Kind of it's like it's kind of non existent. Okay, so coming and see her, well not anymore so. Uh Now her name, my step daughter's name is Jackie jack He's twenty.

One years old.

Wow, Okay, so she's living her life.

Yes, she's living her life. Everybody's good now.

But during that that time between like age of eleven to age seventeen or so, it was awful most of the time, and I didn't have much interaction with her mother, and I was I was disappointed by that, but I knew I couldn't force a relationship with her, like I would love to be like Will and Jada and what was the other. Yeah, I I would love that. That was my goal, like, and we can do family vacations together.

She wouldn't speak to you.

No, at my own house, ooh girl, yes hm.

And so the the weekend visits were something that I began to just to dread.

Dread, yeah, cause at this point, it's like another low key grown woman in your house not speaking.

To you, shade and you every chance, did you ever try to like have a conversation with her?

I did.

I did, and and I would talk to my husband about it because when we moved in together, we got a two bedroom right out the gate because I was like, Okay, she'll be here for a spring and summer break and she's gonna be spending weekends here, so I want her to have her own room so she feels really at home. And she might have stayed in that room like twice and the and the ten year span, I was like, okay, well we're paying extra.

Rent, have a room here for you that you want. No parts of is because she wouldn't spend the night okay.

It was always and she couldn't be like not forced.

I mean like I'm not at eleven. At eleven, you're not like you're staying with your dad tonight.

And I wouldn't want that, Like that would be the most awkward night ever of I'm forced to stay here.

Like I don't want to be that person.

I feel like I would make like it is she is she close with your daughter? Or now? Actually?

Yeah?

Has your relationship grown since then? Are you guys cool now?

Are yeah? We're cool?

Now we're closed, i'd say cool, like because we don't text or like go back and for like that. But when she when she comes over, we are cool and like and I'm happy to see her when she comes. It's not like back in the day where I was like, fuck, it's right, and I would I believe all my friends up, don't you have that?

Don't you want me to come over? Yeah?

I gotta go do that thing within people this week.

Right, you gotta really love someone to like taking their kids.

And it's funny to say that because I realized we're both parents and at some point somebody is going to have to do that for my child, and I mean, and we may have to do that for somebody else, like we're not spring chicken.

So but it's okay. It's easier now because they're so young. But when you step into a relationship and the daughter's.

Especially like because like just like my friend at that point, she had no kids, she had no experience, nothing like at least we have kids, and even now having a kid, if we stepped into someone's life and their kid is ten or eleven, we haven't had experience in that age group.

So sorry, that would be difficult, you know.

Because it changes every year, the age and especially with women with the daughter, and actually we had we had something write in and ask us about this, like can you guys touch on this, because basically the daughter hated her and.

It was making her life a living hell.

And even my girlfriend, my best friend, who is dealing with this right now, she got into it like an all not a physical arterucation, but like a yelling thing, and basically she ends up moving out of the house with them.

I think a lot of.

Times it's the daughter moved her her fiance's daughter ended up moving back in with her mom. But I think a lot of that animosity that's like directly a lot of times with the step mom or stepparent is because they have issues with their actual parent, and then you have to kind of like pick up all the shit because you're taking it up on you because and you.

Have to just you have to just take it because you you.

Want to let you want to marry, you want to love this person.

You want to love this person, and you you start to realize that, like I can't be a crazy person arguing with a child. Like as frustrated as I would be, sometimes I'm like, I don't even have a fully developed brain yet. I'm not finna go back and forth with you. But like you still have to catch yourself.

Because just like my girlfriend was like, I'm look, you wanted to fight her, and I was like, yo, you cannot. I can't be going back and forth with her. She's sixteen. She's like, I told her to get the fuck out. I was like, you're gonna damage her for life. And she's like, I know, and I feel terrible about it, but I'm miserable and I'm unhappy and I can't do it in my house. And it's easy to look at it from the outside like she's a child, she's her, she's damaged.

Hold her. So when you're in it, yeah, like I will kill you. Your sympathy is like, look, you have love in a beautiful house. We take care of you.

That's what she said. What the fuck is your problem? Yeah, you have nothing to complain about. But in her mind, you know, you see your dad or your parent moving with this new person, start this new life, have this new house.

You playing babies, playing family over here. But yeo, where were you X, Y and Z in these times?

Oh when I felt that?

You know, like that, now you know you're playing family matters up in this bitch, you know, And I think a lot of times like the parent, the actual parent has to deal with that and not let it like just.

Oh, I would get on him too, like you, you need to check some of this, Like you see her come in here and just be completely disrespectful, like, yes.

She's not coming in here and cussing me out, but she's not speaking, she's not even speaking, like not acknowledging me.

Did that cause rifts in the marriage relationship?

Yes and no.

So'm I'm fortunate enough where he's very receptive to that kind of stuff.

And he's very self aware.

So even if he may not spot it as it's happening, if you pointed out to him, he's smart enough to be like, okay, I see that, So he would try to you know, I guess try to be like the middle man. And he's very like much about peace. He doesn't like conflict. And I'm like, sometimes you got to turn up like I get this piece that you on today today. Yeah, so, but I'm glad I had that energy in the house that we both couldn't be on some today.

Is the data turn up? Right?

But yeah, I would just be hurt most of the time, and I was like, I don't know what to do, and talking to him and his friends, they're like, we'll take her to get her eyebrows done, or like, take her to get this, take her to Sephor. I was like, so you want me to buy her? And I could get your card, I couldn't do it. I was like, if she don't like me, it's not gonna be because I bought you. Yeah, because I'm fun beauty step mama who takes you to Sephor every time you come.

Home around whatever.

And then I was just like and then I was like, y'all are men. You don't understand what it's like if we dropped this woman's daughter off tomorrow with perfectly arched eyebrows.

That she didn't pay for it, and she didn't approve.

It was like, y'all gonna get my ass. B're trying to be cute.

Because you think this is a good solution. Did happen over here? Yes? Oh your your dad's girlfriend get She wasn't her girlfriend. It was the sisters who I don't even call my aunts because I can't still fucking stand them. But yeah, they're evil. They relaxed my hair. Oh shit that it was like art project.

No, they relax your hair, your curly ass hair, and my mom and lived crying what's cursed?

You didn't understand what the big deal was. My mom got it wet and then I didn't curl, and she was like, what the fuck? So yeah, I feel that. Yeah, I was like your mom was.

You can't bring somebody's child looking different, even if it looks good, because they were like, oh, take her to get her hair done, like you know how the good hair places. I was like, I don't care how amazing she looks. If we drop her off and you say I got it done, it's gonna be an issue. It's gonna be an issue. And they couldn't understand. They were like, you, well, you're just not trying to bond with her, I'm like.

No, I'm not trying to send her back looking different.

Yeah, it was like I'm just I'm also not trying to get beat.

Up, like I know my boundaries.

So yeah, when she turned about seventeen, we had a really cool conversation, like she offered an apology.

And wow, where did that come from? Do you think?

I think it was conversations that she and her dad my husband were having. And then it was like it's.

And I'll say, you had a baby.

But at that point, yeah, and it was like and we're closer to the end, like you're almost eighteen now, Like you can play this whole I'm loyal to my mom game all you want. But it's like we've been here offering up family to you and we can't make you accept.

It is her mom or married.

Kind of relationship, Yeah, very long term relationship. I might as well be married.

I wonder how her relationship is with the guy.

She refers to him as dad.

What.

Yeah, this whole thing is like super complicated, like poisoning her brand, not poisoning.

But I mean obviously your like what you say around your kid, and the influence is major and as.

A mom, especially with the daughter.

You know, we have the most of the control, you know, like what we say goes most of the time mostly, So wow, and I know that.

Has to Does your husband offended or hurt by that?

I asked him right out the game early on, because when as soon as you heard her saying yeah, I was like, how do you feel about this? And he's like again, he's so peaceful and so calm. He's like, you know, it doesn't matter what she calls me. I know who I am in her life, and.

Like, I wish i'd be like again again, like everything was stopped, Like.

What did you stop? Oh my god, I'm like getting angry. You said him what?

Yeah, So because I'm like the first time I heard her saying I was just like, oh, so this is what we're doing.

She mom, She.

Calls him by his first name, She calls him Jammel, and she calls uh the guy that her mom has.

Been with, Like but well wait, she calls your husband person yes, and calls him dad.

Yeah. That's because y'all should have made her sleep over in that room.

All that was happening before I even got to they.

So clearly there is some ship between yeah, her dad, yeah, and that's why there's a lot of tension, yeah with you. So when I came in, a lot of it it was pre existing.

Yeah, I've got nothing to do with this, so I'm not going to jump through hoops to try to figure that.

Okay, but it's all making sense.

And I had people around me like, well, you know, once you marry a man with children, like that's your child now too, and you have to do X, Y Z, And I'm like, but if you knew the full situation, you would know that none of this shit is applable, like it don't apply here. And I feel like we do that with everything in life. We feel like, oh, well, if you're in this situation, this is how it has to play out, and no one's paying attention to like the details and the bad story, like the solution you

I think is a lot of times, as women and you know men too, we look at situations and we judge. I think I don't know if the people that were offering you advice had children or not, or they did maybe but they've probably never been in this type of situation.

You know.

It's I mean I think about I mean, I had

And that was something that I struggled with because I felt like, Okay, maybe I should be more hands on whether it feels like it's wants or not. But I was like, she has an active mother in her life that she lives with. She has a man in her house that is serving as a father.

That's a different situation. Yeah.

And like at the time they were living with the grandparents, I was like, so she got a whole lot of parents around the.

Whole maybe too many, yeah, And.

I felt like it was too many.

So I have people like, no, you're supposed to step in and be you know, a bonus mom or whatever, and I'm.

Just like, sis got like five parents already, Like no.

I can see myself like saying one thing right now and then being in the situation in me like fuck it, don't care.

I know me, Like I don't care.

I could see myself like me from the outside looking at right now.

It's like you should try. You need to get in there, you need to start the relationship. Like me.

Like imagining myself in that situation, I would be like, yeah, let's go to the mall. I'm gonna be cool, so then.

You'll like me.

But then, like if I was actually in that situation, with the way my attitude is set up, I could.

Be like, bye, yeah, I'm going to the by myself.

You need daddy obviously. Yeah, I definitely have some babout moments or I'll just be like.

I'm gonna let you guys deal with that.

Yeah, oh my.

God, we have trouble in our future.

No, it's all of it is manageable.

Like that means we gotta find men soon. I think. I think. I think what's different in our situation is that our kids' fathers are active in their life. I'm not saying he wasn't yet, Like I calls her dad daddy, and it's a daddy's girl in a lot of ways. You know, anything can happen that can shift at any point.

People say, like, we're not allowed to use that term single parent because single parent is reserved for people who's the other parent is completely absent, not present.

But I'm like, I'm single and I'm a parent. Yeah, so yeah, I'm a single parent. I disagree with that. Yeah, and then like I'm a co parent parent, Like what the fuck is that?

I'm a single cold parenting parent, but yeah, that's so interesting.

Yeah, okay, so now you have a five year old and so through gate. So did you get birth at home because.

You had even that change.

So I was I was supposed to deliver at Graceful at the birthing center, and then when I was at thirty eight weeks, they saw that I was measuring much smaller than where I should have been. So they were like, Okay, we think you should go get a sonogram. Like something's up. She's not the size she's supposed to be. Fast forward, I find out I have to be induced. They're like, she's not growing. She's not growing at thirty.

Four weeks as soon as you went to the hospital.

Yeah, because generally, I just want to be clear because I'm if nobody knows, I'm obsessed with birth and I'm obsessed.

With home birth, and I wanted to have home birth really bad.

But I'm pretty sure you at no point, you don't have to go get a sonogram if you proceed with no my midwife told her to go get it up.

Yeah.

Had she not said that, you usually go the whole pregnancy just with the midwife, you'd never go to a sonogram.

Yeah.

This is and this is what I loved about, Like how how wise they are. Yeah, they no point, and you're just like, don't worry, we can handle it. She's like, ooh, I don't know about this.

You need to go see someone.

You can go see someone.

And when that confirmed what the midwife saw in the birth and center, because they're just using like old school measuring tape yea, and from that they were able to tell something was up. So I was just like, okay, now I really trust her. And they were just like, yeah, she stopped growing at thirty four weeks, like we do not know why.

So did that play into your all your fears? Oh yes? And I was.

Like, see, I told y'all. I told y'all like in my head, I was like I knew it. And they were just like, no, she's just small. We don't know why, so we just need to get her out and find out why. So I had to be induced and pots oh yeah, the whole line, the balloon to like to dilate all of it, all of it. But even that, like none of it was terrible.

It was just time.

It's just and it's different from your how you imagine. Oh yes, so it's disappointing.

Not okay, No, I mean I'm against the medical the medical system period.

But I mean like it got done. I was healthy, It was fine. Yeah, it was it the best shit ever.

Like how I experiencing like orgasming and a in.

My living room net right, orgasm It's called orgasmic birth.

Orgasmic birth.

Okay, yeah, that's what you were hoping for. Yeah.

Yeah, but once they put a balloon up there, you.

Once they put any medical interruption in, you're fucked. Yeah, it it starts hurting.

So delivered, everything was easy. And when she came.

Out there like, okay, so she's just little, there's nothing wrong, really little lass maybe.

So how many pounds was she? U?

Five pounds seven ounces?

So you you gave birth vasal I did, yeah, and all that was great, But I had so graceful came with me to Cedar Sinai, so I still had my midwives there. I was getting acupuncture and like you know, breathing exercises in the in the delivery room at the hospital. So it was nice to have a little bit of both, even though it was completely unplanned. Like they're like, we're gonna try to make it as much of a birthing center experience as we can. But and they have a

Birth and suitors too, and they are very cool.

Yeah.

I had about forty people in the room, not when I gave birth, but they were like, you can have as many people as many people can fit in this room, can come up here. I literally had there's a photo I should post it on on our page, but there's a photo of literally forty people in the room and me just like drugged and we're watching I think I've said this before, and we're watching christ Jenner's first interview at Caitlin and Freddy was like, why do we have

Where uh delivery and delivery?

Yeah, so yeah, birth was easy, I mean as easy as birth can be.

But it was.

It was just good having the graceful team there with me because I felt like once they said oh you have to be a du so, I was like, okay, so all of my plans are now out the window.

Literally every all of my friends have the same exact well, very few of my friends have had like perfect birth. Alana, like I had a c section unplanned. She was gonna be to have her home birth. Alana's had perfect births. Nisha was she was have a perfect home birth too.

She didn't have had a good one then went as planned.

Most of them don't go as planned. Yeah, so if you're planning to have a baby, just don't get married to your birth plan, please. I try to tell people that, you know what.

That was my when and I told people my birth plan and they said, don't get married to it.

I wanted to kill them too. I want to. I want to just tak my teeth into their side ship to hate people going against my optimism. Me too, I would say that you don't give me your negative mess. But they were right though, and that's why I would try to tell to my girl, I know you have a plan, but don't get married to this.

I know, but don't tell women who are pregnant that why because because you'll learn it happens, it learns.

I tell them before they're pregnant. Yeah, and that like the hormonal doesn't happen.

I think if you're already a mom and you're already had this happened to you, Like, well.

I think it's the first crack I think I could in the first crash course into momhood.

Yeah, bitch, nothing goes like you planned.

That's why you needed to have down.

Just fucked up, get used to it. That's what it is, like ha ha jataha. I thought it would. You don't have a plan anymore, I guess, you know. And also when you're pregnant, everyone has a fucking opinion. So yeah, so you don't want your dead min's opinions.

Some my my baby's daddy's cousin was like, awesome, don't be naming her no like African shit either, Like, don't get real, you know. I was like, bitch, you're about to name her the africanness name I can find.

You're gonna pull up Rachel. Yeah, so long her new name. Loves the long Nigerian name. Yeah, but back so I want to get back to the shame thing. So how what were you gonna Sayause I.

Was gonna say the same thing, but there was one thing I wanted to say about the shame thing. I don't think a lot of women realize that when you are when you become pregnant, there are all these things. I don't know if it's something that's like being pregnant, I don't know if it's just like obviously.

There's a huge shift happening. You're building a person in your body.

Yeah, so I think there is this thing that happens because I've also read and heard about once you get pregnant and when you're in even in the process of giving birth, a lot of trauma comes up. If you've experienced any sexual trauma, any sexual violations. A lot of times, if you haven't resolved or or like worked past those things, sometimes it will slow down your birth process because you have you hold shame in your body and you're holding

And I don't think I really realized it until.

I got I've always been kind of obsessed with about birth because my best friend SHAWNI gave birth all at home too, twins, and and I've always had this weird

Shame in it.

I didn't think I did either.

You don't think that you do. However, we live in.

A society that doesn't accept like a sexually liberated woman, and it is there is guilt a result, like around

I I sawt therapy during my pregnancy it wasn't the first time, but it was very specific of I was like, I don't want this to come up in the delivery room. I don't want this to be a place where I parent from of shame and her of like you know, don't you wear that?

And you know.

When you're in the presence.

Of men, you better cover up and like all this old, old shit that I didn't subscribe to as myself, but I knew it was in there, like in my head somewhere. So I was like, let's I know, it's not a terrible amount of time, like pregnancy is only for so long. I was like, but let's try to work through as much as this shit right now before she gets here. So that was between like my you know, kind of random emails to Elizabeth or her team all the time like okay, I'm I'm feeling this, Like how do I

So did you talk to your husband about like, because I know your shame came from a few different sources, did you talk to him about because I know when we spoke, you sped specifically that one of the things was like the sexual your sexual past, yeah, and that you felt like because of that.

I talked him about it, and he knew my past like I when when I met him, Like, he never asked me like you know, the whole how many people type thing? But I volunteered certain information because I was like, listen, everybody in LA knows everybody, So I'm going to give you a few names here that I think you might run into, especially with him doing the poetry lounge. And luckily it was never like any of his actual friends, but some of the names that I gave him sure enough showed.

Up to perform. So like, and how did he deal with that? He texted me like, you wore was here spin home last night?

I was like, okay, I deserve that, now, you don't Like it was like a playful teasing thing.

You know. I was like, okay, but I'm glad that he knew who it was. Like I told him. I was like, I never want to.

Put you in an awkward situation where we go to an event somewhere like why, like what's the inside joke that I'm not in it? So I was like, I gave him certain information.

Did he give that to you? He did, okay, because I was just saying, it seems like because he's older and he's been in that realm and he's smart.

Yeah, but he's been in that poetry realm.

I'm sure he's you know, had his fun throughout the years, and these people are like regulars.

Oh, you know, he had to some of them. He had to just because it was still fair.

There was still so much part of the scene, and so I knew who was who in the room.

You know. It's so funny. I was thinking about this the other day because the guy I'm seeing, he we know some of this a lot of the same people. And there's one person in particular that I had I've slept with, and I know that they're cool ish. Actually I know they are cool but recently posts him and then I was like, oh damn, Like do I need to tell him this? I mean, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but like I feel like maybe it's a conversation, but then how do you bring that up?

Like, by the way, that's why it was talentinebles.

It was tell me I may have smashed It was one time and only one time.

I when I presented it wasn't like in a you know, but you know, he don't leave me type thing.

I was like, I just don't ever want you to.

Feel stupid much worried about that.

You know.

What's funny about this, though, too, is because I know he's had sex with a girl that I know, he's never volunteered the information. Like we've talked about her, I've mentioned her, and she's a she's not a good friend of mine, but we're totally cool, Like I love her, Like if I saw her today, I'd be like, you know, and I've mentioned her, and he's never volunteered that information to me, And so I'm always thinking, like I wonder if he would or.

If it's going to take me to volunteer the information for them to him to think volunteer, not that it obviously doesn't matter to me, But I just I've had that thought like should I tell him?

Like, and I think it just depends on like how the other people act, Like if you know the person that you fuck with, is that type of like shady persons?

Yeah?

Yeah, and a few of them.

I was like, listen, he is messy, so let's messy books. Yeah, let's just not do this. And I only offered up the messy ones.

Do you think So now that you know you went to therapy, you have your daughter, does the shame pop up now for you? Still? Sometimes? And maybe not shame, but like maybe the the you're the things you're trying to unlearn, Like have you noticed you've had to check yourself like you've done stuff and be like, oh shit, that's.

A different things Like and now it's just like, okay, so I've resolved the shame around my sexual past. But then it'll be like, okay, well you didn't finish school, so like let's let's let's dig in on that. Let's talk about how that makes you a shitty person, and.

So it'll just cool.

How am I gonna tell my daughter she needs to? Yes?

So it just jumps to two different subject matters.

But now I'm much better about noticing what it is in that moment, and I'm like, Okay, I know where we are right now, and you need to stop. Yeah, I need to stop, or I need to call. Like I have certain friends that I'll hit up and they're just like, you're tripping. I'll talk you through it, but just know you're being dumb right now. And now it's

And there's so many women out here that feel the same way. And I think that's what me and Jamila have discovered just through podcasting, and I'm sure like, oh, we're not the only ones that feel this way. Oh wait, that happened to you.

Too, and kind of finding like growth in the shit that you've done, like everybody has some shit.

Growth And also like feeling finding some sort of empowerment in it, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, yeah I did that ship and so did a lot of them, so did your mom. Right, so what?

But you know what this conversation makes me because I'm thinking talking to you, I'm like examining my own shame and when I felt it, or like if I've acknowledged it, or if I'm like just so badass, I don't have no shame, and then if I'm just like telling myself that, because of course there's that too, But you know what I realized it takes you have to you have to be aware of the of the shame, like how people try to use that against you, particularly meant because like

I was a virgin? Did you think I know how to ride that dick like that? For no reason? Or these skills didn't come from nowhere practice?

This is practice, baby, Yes, better'd be happy you caught me right now, right, But I was in a relationship that was so much based on shaming me and picking out like picking picking, picking picking at shit, like knowing stuff about me because like we've known each other for so long that I was okay with certain things, but then.

Like I could, I could feel myself like.

Being in a great area about it because this person was like trying to make me feel guilty about it. And so one day I was like, dude, like he tried to tell my best friend something about me that I, oh, it was my paid sex hory uh submission, my own submission to the podcast, and I had like written about it, and he tried to like out me to Danielle, who's I've done for twenty five years, And I was like, dude, she knows all my business.

You are ashamed of it. I'm not. You can't make me feel bad about something I don't feel bad about.

And it took me to like really examine that in myself and be like, dude, you're barking up the wrong tree because only you care.

I don't. Well, that's I mean, that's very strong of you, because very easily could a man or anyone make you feel shameful about something you never even thought you had shame around. You could be like, I'm what was wrong with that? And then he can shame you and you be like, oh shit, maybe I am well. I mean there was obviously things that are not.

Traditional, you know, and there's things that I mean, you know, I wouldn't like recommend anyone do too.

Luckily, I you know, it.

Was they were good learning experiences for me, but like being aware of that and picking a partner that is mature enough like to be like, Okay, you're a human just like me, and you've done shit before. This is so so important because that relationship, Like I didn't realize it, but I was fucking depressed for years, years sitting up like being miserable with somebody and like it was weird because I think he loved me, but like he couldn't understand me and so he couldn't accept it.

You know.

So it's just like this this constant battle, and even in regular conversations I would have like I think I found like all these letters from high.

School and I remember click cringing, like oh.

No, don't find anything from the seventh grade about that boy name. So you know, like it's gonna start this shit all over again, because we had known each other that long. But I'm just like I had to get past that and get out of that relationship and grow out of it to like feel empowered again.

Because yeah, I didne a lot of shit, But it's so.

Important to pick a partner that empowers you and that is mature enough to understand, Like, you wouldn't get me right now if it wasn't for the experiences that I've had up until this point. I'm who I am because of everything that I've done right up until right now.

Yeah, So if you like this per person, you like.

All of that period, and I don't ask me how many people I stuck with, I don't know, same, it's a dumbest us.

But you're still gonna smash right.

So it's just like just to be a woman is such a like to be a woman and to have had sex and lived your life is just like such an odd place. Like socially, there's just this weird I mean, obviously we're in a place that's like we're becoming more sexually liberated. We can talk about it, we can have these conversations as mothers, Oh God, God forbid, mothers, how did.

You get here? You don't deserve a husband, will you should be shunned for life.

So it's just it's crazy, but it makes me realize how how fucking and vital and important it is in my next relationship that that be like we can.

Have the conversation and it not be like icedly like sweat, Yeah.

You can't use the information against person later.

Yeah, And I.

Never encountered that with him, So I think that helped a lot. That I was able to provide information with him. We would have just honest conversations. He never hit me with the you know, the body count question.

He was like litten, the older, Yeah, more mature. That helps twenty.

Five in man years, right, But that that definitely helped, But it still didn't stop the It obviously didn't stop it from after we got married and me getting pregnant, like, it still came up and I realized like.

Okay, this is my ship, but he's not throwing this back in my face.

It's just you.

My family's not saying that this is all me.

And that's when it was like, Okay, you need to go seek professional help because you're just driving yourself insane.

And social society will drive you insane.

Like the things that were like we swallow and accept not realizing or accepting it because like I didn't grow up in a religious, know kind of religious background.

But of course there was comments. Of course there was things being said.

Watch TV here, people have conversations and these these ideas, you know, transform how you feel about yourself.

Yeah, Instagram and like just the social commentary. You can't turn a home into the house, and you just like, so.

That's how I like. They they don't have a job, and they doing sheet because they laid it down. And guess how many times they had to do that to get to where they are to be an expert? Can you think that out to all the homes in the house? I am pro pro how I mean, but I mean they're fucking First of all, it's not a hell. You're not a help, You're just a human, like just a human. Got exercising your sexual rights? Yeah, freely? Have you.

What's happening here?

I'm coughing, Eric's shaking her legs. Have you have you experienced.

Any like like specific times you felt shame or like even in.

Parenthood or I mean, of course I've experienced shame, like.

Just in general, like like I don't know what do they call it?

Slut shaming?

Shame?

Of course, of course I have. I mean we're women. I think every woman has experienced slutshaming. I mean honestly, it's like you're not a woman unless until you've experienced such the most conservative experience. People will make up some shit, but as far as like shame goes, Like as a parent, I never I didn't experience like your experience, But I'm

What?

And I'm like, shit, Like literally, we were having this conversation the other day and Iri was like I was like, I was mad at her because she was not listening, and I was like, you are this is unacceptable behavior. And I was like, do you know what unacceptable WANs? And She's like no, what does it mean? And I was like, I mean, I don't like the shame. And I was like, wait, that's not a good answer. Let me try to find this. So yeah, sometimes I'm like,

That's what tutors are for. And I was like, and.

Math is not my strongest at all.

I'm like, and I will hustle enough write your English paper.

However, Yeah, so I think some of that like has come up for me as far as like feeling ashamed that I don't maybe I could be more educated in different ways.

But there's so much self awareness and even saying that instead of just going out into the world and just assuming I'm smart, I know everything and you don't, masses can't. Like, I feel like that opens you up that you're more likely to ask for help and more likely to do more research because you're already thinking.

Every dog answer.

And I say that, And that's how I kind of talk myself off that ledge. I was like, I can start educating myself today if I wanted to. There's really no excuse, you know, I could start educating myself so that when she is in high school, I already know, like I can read, I can brush up on some shit, you know, what I mean.

My god, speaking of that, did you guys see I know I showed Erica Erica Badu's homeschooling post. Oh yeah, no, well it is so it's going to make anyone in the world feel inadequate and drum as hell. As soon as I saw it, I was like, oh my god, I don't know shit, how am I going to teach my child anything?

It was so deep.

Well she's deep. Let me tell you the whole time.

Do you want to hear what she said? Yes, just if you want to feel even more inadequate.

She said, she's talking about a homeschool, and she says, when Daddy is home, Wait, the whole drill knows. If the whole family knows the drill, the whole family got to get involved. When Big Bro comes home from college botany major, he teaches botany in psychology. When Daddy is Jay Electronica, he teaches world planetary history and geography. When Big Sis ninth grade is done with her work, she teaches art and French.

I'll handle.

The physics, math, lit, sociology, health science, astronomy, astrology, meditation, religion, economics, art appreciation, filmmaking, quantum science, molecular physics, et cetera. So fourteen things plus, but our main focus is human compassion or matters of the heart. We are guiding Mars to see the world through her own lens. She will understand that she must experience the consequences of her own choices and judgments.

It is not necessary that she becomes.

A mini Erica or mini j After all, we are all still becoming lots of love.

We need to pick up a book. I need to learn molecular science.

You know what I heard when I listened to it. I was like, basically, if your kid lives in La let me see this. Let me tell you. Okay, so maybe not by but what is that? It's like gardening?

Yeah, I believe you've got a backyard, got back covered? Okay, find me. Okay, break it down. Break it down for us so we don't feel so inadequate lineography.

Your kids gonna spend a lot of time in the backseat on these freeways.

Okay, if you're you gonna be traveling with me, so we're gonna go country to country. So that's yo.

But I'm not even wait, okay, I'm talking about just for our kids living in this city, math and and okay, they're gonna teach you a kid them sociology. Right around the city. You get to study people. Okay, that's all that is. See that lady at the supermarket, she was a bitch health science. To take them to their doctor's appointment. Walk them through what's happening. Bam, got it covered. Astronomy, look outside, bitch astrology. Tell them about they signed meditation. Okay,

Them to the art walk downtown. Filmmaking.

That's what iPhones are for. Y'all are recording ship right now, y'all are filmmakers.

Quantum science and you don't need all that does not even mean That's why I said you don't even need it, because I don't know what it means.

Molecular physics also know, but you can cross off a bunch of them by just living in the city of Los Angeles.

Our appreciation.

Because I was like, wow, that's true, you're right, you're right. I'm glad you broke it down for us. Yeah, that's living in the city. Thank you.

You will get all of that and more.

Sorry, for cutting you off. No, no, no, no.

It just I thought, and I was like, damn. And she's also has like seven Grammys. How did you teach fourteen topics? Fourteen homeschool subjects? Get a Grammy and be rich and be fly and be bombed.

But that's what we know.

But that's we're working progress, and that's what she says all at the end, which I thought was the most beautiful.

We're all becoming and that's so.

But y'all can make a list like that today, be like, I'm teaching my kids.

You know what, I've already teaching iris, geography, sociology all the time. Oh my god, can I tell you something? Oh my god. Yesterday Freddy came over and was like, that's fine. Everyone knows that's my baby daddy. My baby daddy's name is Freddy. Guys, Okay, hey Freddy, it's not that hard to figure.

No, happy bay.

He don't get blurred with. So he came over and was like, do you know what your daughter said to me the other day? And I was like what And she was like, Irie, what did what did you say? Mommy said that people the people she doesn't like, and she was like, white people I almost passed the funk out. I was like what, She's like, yeah, mommy, white people are bad.

No.

I was like, oh my god, no, no, they're not. I was like, they're not bad. I'm a little bit of white like so, and you know, like, we have white people in our lives that we love. There's a lot of amazing white people in this world, don't. I don't want you going around telling people that you all you have white friends at school, you know. Like, but I was just like, oh my god, there's like is

Like she gotta be careful because even remember I tell me that black Sanna, She's like, I don't want to see black sand I want to see white sand.

I was like, I think this is where that conversation came from. I think that's where she that that moment we were talking about that in the car, that is where she got it from. I remember we were talking about something, We're talking about something racial, and I said something like that's why white people do that shit, And I think something like that translated into negativity, and I do not want my daughter thinking that white people are bad because they're not. There are a lot of bad

But that's that alone, is a complex thing that your child. Because we were watching a documentary the one that I need to correct myself. It wasn't called black paraphernilia. It was called black memorabilia. I was really high that week and soa and drinking Cannieen last week. I was acting dumb.

It's an ongoing lesson.

So I think if they hear you say something like that in traffic or they see the images, you know that the conversation is going to be ongoing, probably for the rest of their lives, right, But.

Like, when do you introduce it? Like I mean, even like I have a lot of most of the books I reader, a lot of them are like, you know, girls that look like her, And there's one specifically that is Martin Luther King. I had a dream book and it's for kids, and there was like a part where they were talking about segregation and how they were how they were talking about it was very like surface, but it got to the point but she wanted to she didn't understand it, and she was asking me, like, why

If in that moment that's the true.

I didn't want to lie to her like that's not fair either, but also like I don't want her living her life having a chip on her shoulder. I want her to experience people and come to her own conclusion about people, not because her mommy said something in the car one day and white people are bad. Like I was like, fuck no, because because I come from a multi cultural family, I'm not all black on my family. My grandfather was Irish and Portuguese. He looked like a

And so I look at our friend group, look at our like I just saw her guessue we're trying to like find I was like, I don't.

Really have that many black friends. Oh yeah, you were just like I was like, texted to one of your black friends, and I was like, wait, oh shit, hold on, oh wait, here's one on. Hold on.

But but it's such a tricky, tricky, tricky thing because I mean First of all, we're human.

We're gonna fuck up and not.

I mean, obviously we're the farthest thing from being like prejudiced or racist. But and on the flip side, I find Alna like always wanting to play in like certain people's hair or saying like I want hair.

Flowing long hair.

Like so and slow, and I'm just like, here we go, here we go, you know, And it's.

Just this constant fucking battle.

I don't want you to think like this is more beautiful or this is better, and you don't have to counteract that by saying black white people are bad or they're not beautiful. Because I posted something one time and everybody was like, well, why are you teaching your daughter that white people are beautiful?

Bit I didn't say that.

Calm down, Okay, everybody knows the European standard beauty is top notch.

Yeah, but this is not a society, non in real life, not in real life. No, obviously, I don't mean like not top notch. I mean like, but that that's what's going to be pushed on our kids regardless without any effort.

Yeah, so if I don't counteract it with her with images of stuff, and I just told Erica this. We were like watching a Laura A commercial and there's like a multicultural one and there was like a curly haired one.

She's like, she has hair like me, and it's like, yes, U Street does. Curly is the bomb. Curly can go straight or curly.

So when you go on curly, I know, well, I was just gonna say that, Like I I did not want the hair conversation to start really early in my house because like a lot of women, especially in my age, like thirty and up, we all have the same story like my mom. But I relaxed around my hair.

Yeah yeah, So I was like, I don't want her to ask me for this. So I made the decision not to wear my hair straight for longs. I had locks when when I first had her, and then I cut him off and I was like, look, we match.

We both have like a little short curly froze.

And now I'll get a blowout every once in a while, but never like bone straight. It's still big and I think for what I've seen with her is like she always wants to do what I'm doing.

Me too. My I was always like, Mommy, I want my hair to look like yours, even yesterday, I had my hair pulled back so it looked like it was straight, but it wasn't. She's like, can you take your hair out? And I want your hair to look like mine.

You want to be twins.

And I I was like, I told Air cause the other day I was like straightening my hair and she was watching me.

Lenna was watching me.

I was like, Fuck, I'm doing everything I'm I preach against and you know.

And it's so funny cause I'm so pro black. I'm so pro this, and.

I don't think it takes away.

I I it doesn't.

But like I realized, like cause when I was pregnant, I shaved my head and just started a new Yeah. But I hate to say this and it's the shallowest part of me. But like living in LA and being a black girl with a fade, I mean it works for like Amber Rose.

I don't know my best friend, her name's Ayana. She kills a faith so heals you.

But like I realized in those moments, like granted I was pregnant, and like after it got like a certain land, like a curly Friday, like I started getting braids, but it made me realize, like it's me like I'm insecure about it, Like I don't want to go to the club because I don't want I don't want to risk.

Someone being like, oh, you guys can get in, but not her.

Because growing up in La, first of all, I know we've been going to the club for like four thousand years, way before we were twenty one. I've seen so much racial profiling at the club in Hollywood.

First of all, most of my friends, I'm not even just the club because you cannot say your hair you did not not You're not basing your hair based off the club. First of all, hair, because that's what it sounds like right now, I.

Need club hair, must get into the club. But I do get like in La, it's hard because you do feel like I know.

What your point is. I have to clarify that because I'm like, oh, people are going to think me.

So I told my husband all the time, I was like, I was telling I'm like, you have no idea, how fine I am south of the Tin, Like, when I go south of the Tin, I'm in. I'm I'm that chip. But otherwise I can get ignored pretty easily, depends on where you're going.

I'm so tainted to Inglewood. Yeah, I do. I think a lot of our hair choices are revolved around men would think, because I've noticed as curly hair girl, that it's changed now because curly is it's in now, all right, then has been in for a while a few years, four or five years. But before that, I would notice that I would get so much more attention when my hair was straight. Yep. Sometimes my hair could get like I used to have longer hand it was very big,

Straight, be like, oh you're so sexy, Yes, you fine, and and then like we can't we can't not talk about like how certain textures are preferred and not every black woman is gonna have actual curls.

It might just like be kinky afro texture.

Your hair is literally exactly like my daughter.

I saw that.

I'm like, that's what I.

But I I was very aware of that too, like when when wearing my hair, like especially if I really like take time to make them define and like use the product the way.

That's a whole difference.

And then if everyone I get so many more compliments, like when it's really defined, oh my god, your hair so beautiful, it was just like kind of big and poofy, or like oh hey, I'm like okay, So the more I can make it look like almost wet, then we're just like, yeah, that's the look right there. And so I've had conversations with friends, like especially my friends that

Gohugh.

So I'm like, great, hour and twenty minutes we end. We out. If I had to sit and twist every night, i'd either be baldhead or lace.

For watching YouTube tutorials, I'm like, who has time twist every night? I'm like, and this video was sped up, so I know this shit took about one hour. Rod yeah, the rods, Yeah, I tried, and they're uncomfortable and I look better with shorter hair.

And honestly, like a short curly fro is not that cute on me, Like I mean, I've had it.

It's look kind of cute, but like there's no versatility. Actually your hair. When we did the shoot and we have that little mini fro, curly hair on it, look you looked hellicute and that hair. It takes a long You have to unfuck yourself, I know.

But even this whole conversation, it's all about how we allow social stigmas and social like other people's opinions to shame us, shame us, and that goes into beauty, that goes into our sexual past and history.

They're just every other. Everything is so like and.

And I'd like to say that I'm like, I don't I don't give a fuck about people's opinions. But even in these conversations, I'm like, oh shit, I'm fucked up because I'm first.

Of all, I'm not obsessed with going to the club because not anymore.

But like, especially growing up in the valley, being like one of three black people, it's impossible to not notice certain things.

It's impossible to not be aware of yourself. It's not impossible to not see what guys early on in your youth are attracted to and how can I fit into that. I used to remember like dreaming, like praying, like oh, I just.

Want to get in the pool and swiam and get out and like shake my hair so annoying, Why God, why why can't I just go with the pool like everybody else?

Like it was the end of my world, like I couldn't understand it. And of course I love myself. Of course I love my natural hair. Like do I feel like doing my natural hair every day? Because when I cut it off and then grew it back, oh my god, so much work.

Okay, it was like I was gonna live in a scarf. It was just so once you get but once you get into the it's all about habit and training your hair routine.

Because I use the same three products every time. If I run out of them, I was like, oh, then this is a head wrap day because I don't have my special you know.

And I don't feel like finding the products. I didn't feel like redefining the curls. I was just like, fuck it, cut it off and permit I know how to do that hairstyle. Good because I've had in my whole a doll that my hair has been short.

But this conversation is making me reflect on my self.

Guys, and I'm me as a mother and the images I want my child to see and the ship that I say and don't do.

So yes, I'll re examine this conversation.

I'm constantly re examining it about myself.

She we do our horri hor We have a horry submission. Do you know what horror? I don't know if you've okay, so you know what horror story is? Hor stories. We have a worry from one of our listeners who is one of our Oh no, we're allowed to say. I'm not gonna say her now. I'm just gonna say, we love you, hey girl, hay.

Uy, Okay. Once upon a time, I'm excid. So many years ago I had a fuck buddy. The dick was a one girth and lem plus he could pick me up. Mind you, I'm well over two hundred pounds attached to that bomb.

Dick was broke dude who.

Couch dived from relative to relative's place. I shamelessly fucked him at the club, his grandma's, numerous friend's houses, my place, when the kids were gone. One day, I'm at work in West LA and I get a sext from him.

He's staying in Palmdale.

At this point, my brain was like, no, bitch, we are not driving two hours for the d My pussy was like, bitch, we are going on this sex venture. I tell my boss I'm not feeling well and start my journey.

I can't.

I get there and we immediately go at it. As I'm riding him and about to come, I also feel like I.

Have to poop.

I cannot. I ignore my body and get mine. Then I smell poop. I am horrified and embarrassed. I tell him to hand me the wipes and look away.

Oh my god, girl. We are in a mini mansion, so he.

Goes to one side of the house to shower and I go to another. I'm sitting there like he will never want to fuck me again. Psych As I'm wrapping up my shower, he hops it and fucks me there in the kitchen garage everywhere.

Fast forward two years.

Later, He's now married with two kids, and every now and then he texts to check in on me and ask if I'm having accidents, and no, never have till this day.

No one has ever tested the limitations of my.

Body the way this man has the best stick is always attached to a fuck boy.

Amen.

So he sucked the shit out of her.

Literally, I have so many questions. Was it in her ass? I don't think so, Oh, you know what you will. Actually, this is not the first poop story I've heard of. My other girlfriend who is actually a listener, and she's probably listening to it now. This is gonna listen to this on Wednesday. I mean today is has a similar situation where she was right her guy and who can I and.

Was it wasn't anal either?

Wow?

Because I'm always afraid it's gonna happen during anal.

Yeah, never worry about it any other time. Right now I'm scared, thinks right.

Okay, so empty your bows before the dick.

You never felt like that, like when you're like in like you're coming or an orgasm, because you know, it's like a push sensation. It's like almost feels like you're pushing a little bit. Never only I've only gotten scared during anal.

I probably happy like quietly, not with the sound effect.

I mean, I've had a bad experience with an anal situation. I know, mortified, but I mean, how can you be mortified you already know the risk. Yeah that's how I feel like, but still it's still mortifying.

But you know, I.

Honestly like if I if I feel like it's gonna be happening, like that's what I'm really clean about my diet. I'm like, Okay, we're eating all this fast food and ship, I gotta be well, that's.

Even my ruffage.

I asked my gay friend and he said they fast for like twelve hours and but yeah, who has time.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do watch what I'm eating.

Who's that prepared? Yeah, I don't know. I can't. It's too much, like too much, there's too much with that.

I feel like there has to be some prep work with anal, like just.

Like I felt like put the wash cloth with your two fingers and do like I've never had a problem even and I'm never prepared either, and also like not gonna win because that is and also at my stomach issues.

So I've always been like, should I be doing this because the bitch Sometimes that's the making ship. So I get real nervous, but it's never happened. Oh, my god, it.

Happened to me and like, luckily it wasn't like smelly. I was like, are you sharing his I'm sure, I'm like, look away, go away, stop talking, don't don't speak of this again.

I don't remember me.

I think I was like, just go you can't make up out like I'm never much. I don't know what you're talking about. Never happen to turn on the movie. Literally like I don't. I'm one of those people like even okay, if you follow me on Instagram Mila underscore Mapo, sometimes I get drunk and show my boobs on my Insta story.

I actually all miss all the time. If I get too drunk.

The next day, I'm like what, I get all these dms and I've known, I know I've done it. I'm so embarrassed. I won't look at them. I just I justly it didn't happen that way. I will not look at what I've done the night before.

Because I get Jamila in a photo booth drunk, Because guaranteed I have so many photo with pictures at different locations of Jamila's.

Boobs, you would think my boobs were like the most volumptuous big double dtitties you could find you.

I can't keep them in the shirt, but I get drunk.

You would think I'm the top of this model of the century because they will not stay in the shirt.

But anyway, thank you for that, Horri. That was grand, That was great. Thanks Gross, But you know what, that was a lesson from God.

You knew better than to be driving to Palmdale's missing work for that dick, work from broke Dick.

What's happened to the best of us?

I've done.

I haven't left work for it, so I haven't.

No, No, I've done some weird but I have that. I've done some fake, faking, fake sick, all types of ship like I should go to hell. People call a work in ten minutes. People then people then die for the dick. Someone died. I'm so sorry to come get me on my break for the dick. Oh my god. Anyway, I got to go because I just realized what time it is. Oh shit. But anyway, thank you guys for tuning in and tell us where to reach you.

Yes, you can find me at on the fence dot life. That's where you can find out about the conversation I'm having with Elizabeth and what day is that? That's going to be on Thursday, the twenty first, asking and then yes, February twenty first, second.

Tomorrow and where oh that's tomorrow.

No, we are lying, this comes out on the twentyeth Okay, so tomorrow at Rita House.

Uh, that's Riata House is a coworking co working space. It's on third, like right down the street from the Grove. Gorgeous space. It looks like the old Hollywood glamorous house. And I wanted the conversation to feel like it's happening in a living room. So it's a fireside chat with an actual fireplace and hopefully it'll be cold enough tomorrow where we.

Can light it and and they can RSVP. And yeah, all that information is on my page.

So if you follow me on Instagram, on the Fence dot Life, that's also the website is on the.

Fence do life and you can get tickets there. And yeah, I hope to see y'all there.

Yeah, we'll be there.

Good conversation.

And make sure you ch make sure you I don't know if you've subscribed to our newsletter, but you should definitely subscribe to our newsletter. It's on our website. For all things.

Us, more of us and more of us if Instagram and our website is not enough.

Well, updates on things we maybe missed on the podcast. Also events, speaking of which, we have our first year, our one year anniversary coming up and we're having a party March sixteenth. You can get the details on newsletter the newsletter Good Momsbad Choices dot com. Yes, and also make sure to follow us at Good Mom's Bad Choices, Good Mom's Underscore Bad Choices.

Wow.

But yeah, anyway, Bye bye, you guys, have a great week.

I think I really want to go some day month and the heen mayday.

He love baby want to smoke on Madrid And I've already even close to me.

Said, oh love bro brother dance, litt baby dance, little baby.

Small niggas off the castoline so the back was in the back was up it lavishly. Ooh, that's my man.

To go back. I know my nigga liked me.

I know he cook his carry spicy. I know he eat me like I'm wipey.

You know my.

Hotel over pricey, so he gonna fuck me like I'm over classy. Bit you only use a coaster. Now I'm swimming in the money with a duck you too, Ritter Tony Morrison and a nigga canoe because it bentually by a freedom, because the big second Dick and the knew what dinas and yes and yes, I'm problematic too, and yes and yes I look him up boy.

Yes I really do.

Protection as a wave wave because we be open too to make the thank you for my baby.

I'm in love with you.