Sacred Rage feat. Devi Brown

very challenging for me. I've had a lot of deep shadow work I've been going through and working through, and things I thought that I had already dealt with have resurfaced, and so I'm kind of in the midst of journeying through that path, but excited to do excited to do the work, and like, honestly, I'm even more grateful too because part of the work is with my dad, and my dad is really on board with participating in that part of the work that I need to do with him.

other side there's this grand thing. But you know, when you get to that part when you're like something's not right here and I have to do some work, it can be difficult. So I'm proud of you, and I'm excited for this year and these changes and that you're embracing them. And I'm excited for your journey with your

with your dad and your trip. I think a lot of people don't get the opportunity to identify when they're having like having parts of their lives that they're stuck in, and then even go even deeper to be like, well, this is related to this person, and this person is still here, so let's deal with it. And I realized, like I was just thinking this yesterday. I'm like, this crazy thought came and I'm like, am I close to my parents? Or am I just? Are they my parents?

And so there's an assumption of closeness, you know, like when you grow up in the household with someone or not, you know, you're like, so you see them every day, so it feels close. But as we become an adults and we go off into the world and then we go you know, the whole thing is like you have kids, you make your own family, get married, and then you're like, but like, did I talk to these people on a day to day basis like I do my homegirls or

my friends. And it kind of scared me, you know, because it's like all these none of the none of us are going to be here permanently, and so what does that look like if you know, like this this idea that there's closeness, but then the reality that maybe it doesn't exist like we think it is, and you know how abrupt the ending of that can be if you're not really working on the relationships actively. So like I'm excited to see, you know how that plays out for you, and like, thank your feedback.

for a parent. You know, I think parents are probably more aware of it because they're the parent, whereas we're like at the peak of our lives, just like I gotta work and I got to figure it out where parents are like probably realizing that not that it's coming to an end, but you are getting older, so the mortality of that is more present, and so it's like, you know it probably you know, just like parents feel sadness and your kid goes off to college or gets married,

there's this level of losing them or losing that relationship, and I don't know, it's kind of it scares me a little bit, you know. So it is exciting that your dad's willing to do that, and it makes me wonder, like do I need to reminds me of durand asking us this question that we intentionally swept over when he was like, would you be friends with your parents if they weren't your parents? And I was like, ooh, dog,

relax with these questions. But you know, it's like yes to your parents, but is there a level of friendship that you have there and are you working to maintain that or you know, even discover if it doesn't exist. So I think that's I think your dad's cool, and I think he's cool like for being open to doing it and he's aware of like what, you know, the relationship you guys have had. So I think that's like super super inspiring.

are you acting this way? This is not this is not what I would do, or this is not how I would behave, and so then there's that resistance, at least for me with my mother, Like we are very different people, similar in ways, but different people, and I always felt like there was this like miscommunication of like this is who I am and I'm not going to be that, and it became like this tug of war, and I feel like over the last few years like there's kind of honestly, I think it's good moms.

as an adult. Finally, I mean, I'll always be her baby, but that has also I think softened her to who I who I was as a younger child and really understanding like the rebellion that I was going through in ways of like this is how I want to dress. This is how I am, Like, I'm not weird about nakedness just because you are, even though like my mom's but as naked in my house every single day.

you know, like was like we weren't very religious. In fact, like my dad told me, like Jesus was just like some white man that all the white people told us to believe in and then everyone believed them, and like how people are dumb basically, and like so I wasn't forced into any religion, but I've always been like attracted to like spirituality and the mystics. But I realize that there's this like emotional intelligence that we kind of have

kind of been birth into. And I'm sure it's partially the Internet, and I'm thinking it's partially just like the way the world is going that it requires us to be a little bit more tuned. And I think that this generation right here has been given this like extreme

blessing responsibility to heal the generations before us. And I see it, like I feel it, and I see it in my kid, and I see it when I see my look at my mom and you know, I've seen her grow in ways and same like shift to what I'm doing and be like okay, like okay, I get it now, but like it's always been a lot of this and I'm a lot of person, so I get it, and I'm very rebellious and I'm very ten tones down

and who I am. But even to the like even though I was talking to my dad and he was like, but you know, back in the day, like my parents really didn't tell us we love them. And I asked them about that because their parents didn't tell them they love them, and there was this like disconnect of emotional

like emotional vulnerability. And I mean, I think as brown and black people too, when you have a lot of shit to worry about, like survival, there's not a lot of time for like the woo woo shit, and so it's like get the work done, work hard, do this don't fuck around. So I think when they see us and we're like naked, I'm doing this, they're like wait.

just like that very stubborn place where they were. And like, I was just thinking about all the tools that we utilize, like the tarot cards and the readings, because I know I've been to your reader through Erica and I had like a I had a uh what did I have? I had a family constellation done, and even for me, I'm like, this is crazy, weird, this is so weird, but I'm still open to it. And I'm like then I have like an hour into it, I'm fucking bawling, crying,

standing on pieces of paper. But I mean, I just imagine for like our parents, these are things that they would never be open to, and they'd also be like what the fuck you know what I mean? But us being open to certain like levels of spiritual medicine has really like it's going it's going to change the paradigm for our kids and just being open to that type

of stuff. And I'm just like wondering what was the background growing up with your mom and your family and like did they did she encourage it or was it like forbidden or what did that look like?

your family system. And of course this is dependent on our individual experiences, and some people have a lot of truly unforgivable, big t trauma that happens with their families, so I'm not quite speaking to that, but you go through this phase where you know, it's like at first you're just high on your own shit, because you just think you're so great because you're figuring stuff out and you're breaking these curses and you're doing things differently, and

you're having these awarenesses. And then there's a lot of anger that happens towards your family of origin, and sometimes a lot of shaming of them, and a lot of a deep desire to disassociate and disconnect. And then hopefully the farther we get on our journey and the more we soften, there comes a lot of humility. Like in the last few years, I've come into an immense amount of humility, and the way that I was walking around with my awakening and kind of allowing it to make

me feel sometimes better then or above. You know, I'm oh, I'm so and I know, and I see how the world works, and I understand because to the point of what you said, yeah, none of this existed for them. You know. It's like we're only a handful of decades removed of women having the right to have bank accounts, of women having universally around the country, like the right

to work without permission. And I think something I also have really been fascinated by that I'm studying is like I love to study generations, like dating back a hundred years, like what were people going through in whatever times it was, And I think we are always at the mercy no matter or how pure your heart is, no matter how good your intention, we are always at the mercy of the collective consciousness of the time, which means billions of people.

You know, like it influences everything. But I think, you know, as we kind of process our stuff, and for those that are looking to reconnect with their families, you know, I think the thing that we hear a lot is like, you know, they didn't get that either, And have compassion, yes, and have a deep gratitude that you were born in a time that you could connect to this work with

so much ease. Granted, no matter what, doing the work is hard, but the fact that you can open up Instagram and read an infographic that explained something that took somebody maybe ten years of therapy to understand. And not only are you understanding it, we're blessed with the fact that the collective now is having new language, is understanding these things. You can slide into conversations like this in

a way you never could, you know. So as much as we feel really proud of the work that we're doing, and we should. There also has to be humility with it, because it's not that we're better than the generations that came before us. We just have a completely different set of circumstances and opportunity and space to do this work.

terms and regurgitating. But to actually change oneself, it's a slow process.

a little more. Now there's an opportunity to see it from a different lens, to apply that same healing to other areas of your life, you know. And so I think that's and maybe this isn't the perfect word for this, but it's the one that keeps coming through. It's like, be in humility with your process. That is what will really guide you and push you forward for the rest of your life. Allow yourself to be in dignity with

your process, be an integrity with your process. It's not about who's more healed and how much we know than the other person, or how many wh I did ayahuasca this many times, so that means this I.

be feeling yourself and holding yourself as above. And you know, I'm always of the belief no matter where i am in my wisdom and my knowledge and my process above nor beneath anyone ever, I'm just dancing with my unique karma and my unique spiritual curriculum. And actually, to answer your question that you had to start, I didn't come from a spiritual home. I think my mom was having her own reckoning with God, and so God was not

at all present in my house. But I always longed for God, Like I remember being a child and being fascinated by church and being very fascinated by Christ, but it kind of was very adjacent to my experience. I'm an only child raised by a single parent, and I was alive kid, so it's like all of those layers kind of experience. In childhood, I was always curious about God. I always felt God, but I didn't have any systems or language around it or anyone to talk to about it.

So my dance with the divine has always been about me seeking it out and then applying and growing in that kind of as my own personal relationship.

a kid. This this sounds like kind of ridiculous, Like I wasn't Doogie Houser or anything, but like I was always like I read it like a ninth grade level, like like I think in first grade or second grade or something like I had, like I know, I had like a terrible at math and science, but always really connected to like language and reading and history and fascinated by it forever. And so I would just kind of start there was no internet back in my day, but

I would just kind of leaf through books. And I think growing up in LA and I had a very contrasting way that I grew up, Like I experienced like a lot of extremes in lifestyles and in cultures. I think I feel really grateful to have been born in la and raised in the way that I was, because it allowed me to see the way that other people were connecting to God so much, other cultures, other backgrounds of their households. It's like, you know, there were meditation studios,

you know, if like you went to Santa Monica. There were yoga studios, there were so there were things that were always like seating my consciousness of like I don't quite know what that is, but damn I feel a pull to it. At some point I'll investigate, you know, and then it all started making sense.

aligned choices. But I wouldn't say that I believe in like that any one system of worship is better than any other. It's how do you know God? And are you sure that you're aligned with God or you aligned with the middle man connecting you to God. I think that's something really important to look at.

of the divine. And then you also hear all the stories about you know, the cults and the predators in churches, and you know, again, it's like everything, whether we're talking about wellness, whether we're talking about religion, whether we're talking about the medical industry or the you know, I don't know, the motor industry. I don't know. There's always a spectrum of the way that you experience it. There is terrible, mediocre, good, excellent.

So it's always like evaluating like is this the best, is this the most connected? Is this the most aligned? And like yeah, just really being present with yourself and holding whatever systems you put yourself in to a higher ideal.

like my body just won't move. And I've always been like that since a child, So like for me, it's I think it's also been like I've never had any true mentors at any point in my life. It was always about, Okay, I need to figure this out. And so because of that, I developed. I think a lot of self trust really young, even if I was you know, I'm deeply flawed, and I one million percent have not always and still do not make the best choices all

the time. But I've always known that, like I'm sovereign and I'm my own being and I'm taking myself where I need to go.

little bit of an observer of things that are going on. Again, not above nor beneath, but just I've never been an organizational person. I'm not a big groups person. I can have fun in groups. I'm a super extrovert, which sometimes people are surprised to know. But yeah, I've always just felt really good about doing my own thing and trusting that whatever I feel called to do, I can do it.

and then become in a lot of different forms. And we've talked about this a lot this month about just like when you're in a special when I think we all have our own you know, life's purpose and like you know, leading in ways and changing shifting, shifting things in ways. But a lot of times we've there are there will be tests. You know, you'll be tested in order to like take on these roles and lead people, and like how have you dealt with those challenges in dating.

about to take this on and clean this up. I will focus on my child, I will focus on myself. But then kind of as I you know, pop out and emerge to date or you know, connect with people. Right now, I'm just in a place of curiosity with it, you know, like I'm someone that is not looking to be married. And something I had to really kind of look back and remember is that since childhood, I never

actually wanted to get married. But I do believe in committed partnership, and I do believe in, you know, having I believe in the beauty of long term companionship. But I'm just exploring. I'm being curious and I'm trying to do it all from the lens of being a sovereign woman and also a woman that understands that people can't don't know how and won't show up perfectly, and so

how can I relate to that? And how how can I keep the observation on me and my needs and what I'm choosing and not be so much projected on another person's behavior.

this way as well too. I mean, I'm still on my journey too, and my intuition is when it comes to love, my intuition is fucked up okay, period, Like it's usually on spot on and then at some point I either sex confuses me or well, that's why I'm really going deeper with this relationship with my father, because there's there's a confusion that that's happening there for me, that's unresolved, that gets really messy and cloudy for me when as it pertains to like masculine energy.

so everybody was fighting against it. But let's really think about the effects of growing up as young women and hearing some of the music that we heard, and that shaping our understanding of sex, shaping especially if as many many people, it's very rare experience to come from a fully quote unquote healthy home. You know, we're picking up

ways of being from everything around us. So it's like it's plowing through the individual curriculum you have with your father and what you both decided you'd work through together this lifetime and every man we dated up until this point of our lives and everything that influenced us, the shows, the you know, the music, the conversations that were happening around us, Like we absorbed all of it and took it on as collective, the collective, and we took it

on as belief about ourself, about our worth. And so it's like we and that's why we have to take shame out of everything and the way that we work with things that we have to bring gentleness for ourselves and acceptance because there's so much that we didn't even give consent for that shaped our reality. You know, it's like this very slow, so slow on learning and dismantling and then like pulling in our own truth that we come to.

Because rage is something that I have been battling with for the last i'd say six months, and there's been parts of my rage that have come up where I'm like, WHOA, I didn't know I could like get that mad, or I didn't know I could get this angry, or I could feel like, I don't know if this is sacred, this might just be toxic rage, or I literally like I don't really give a fuck about how it affects

anyone else. I'm upset and everyone is going to feel this rage like that's and like overtaking me and not like I think because I've tried to bottle it up so much, Yeah, and not speak it, thinking like Okay, I'm dripping, I'm gonna let it go, and it's like that you did not let it go, and now it's just you know, so I'm just curious, like what is your what is sacred rage? Can you explain that to Tess? God?

be responding to things that hurt. Sacred rage in the way that I experience it, it's a little bit more intentional than just rage, like what I was hearing in some of what you described of like, you know, it's like and I don't care what happens. And that's when we get to the point that's a little bit outside of and above that it's no longer sacred. Yeah, No, longer sacred, no longer safe, and so we have to kind of that calm and hopefully come to a place of neutrality

to work with it. But sacred rage is when you come into a space of saying that, like you deserve to be pissed, Like you have a right to be pissed, You have a right to feel your feelings. How often do we get pushed into these roles of something is done to you and then you also have to find the solution for it, a you have an experience with someone, and then you're also in charge bringing everyone into peace.

You know, it's like, yes, like so many of us, we are taught to bypass, instantaneously take ownership of and then be the parent of the situation, whatever that situation is. And you know a lot of that definitely starts in childhood, having suppressed emotions, you know, not being able to feel, not being able to have what as a child your body is designed to do, which is have a tantrum. You know, It's like as soon as even parents try.

But it's that kind of muscle memory in our emotional world that we learn really really young. And I think as parents, that's why it's so important to cultivate as best we can a lot of tools and a lot of patience, because we're only now beginning to understand the effect that us just wanting our kids to be quiet actually has on them. And it's like, isn't necessary And now I forgot your original question.

In two weeks, I'm gonna break a bunch of shit, you know, like I'm gonna break some shit in two weeks. And then honoring that and letting myself you know, I think it can be really divine when you create a container where you can bring forward your pain and your anger when it's not triggered, because then you're able to be with it in a different way. You're able to be with it in a way that feel a lot

more empowered and not reactive. And it's like, okay, what really hurts, Well, I know this happened to me and that has fed everything else. So let me sit with that. And then when you feel rage, come up being pissed, screaming, scream into pillows, make yourself cringe. You know, it's like, don't be above the mess of the process. Throw things as long as you're not going to harm another person

or yourself. Go to you know, they have ragery some places now, Like you know, get a hammer and break some stuff, rip some stuff apart, you know, beat some stuff, not a person, not yourself, you know, but as soon as you give yourself license to do that. Sometimes all our body ever wanted to do was to feel it

in the first place. So we can actually heal certain things that we didn't think we could with a lot more ease than we ever imagined, as long as we just commit to let ourselves go there, and especially letting ourselves go there when we haven't been triggered into it

by yet another thing that we're upset about. So, you know, when you get to a certain place where it feels safe to do this with your journal, write down what is your core curriculum, What are the patterns at play that you have been dealing with with different people and at different times, over and over and over again. You know, what was the original wound for that? And then sit with it and look at it and take the year to process it. You know, it's not something you have

to fix your anger by this weekend. Take a year, take four seasons. You know, how are you going to relate to this anger as you get to go deeper, after you've already healed a layer of it, make time to cry, you know, like it's released. There is nothing weak about it. Our bodies long to release stored energy. You can't do both. You can't try to intellectualize the world, work and read the books and just build knowledge and say yep, and that happened to me, and now I

know where that is. You have to bring it into a somatic element. You have to bring it into your body and release it from your body. They have to happen together for lasting change to occur in yourself and in your life.

go numb because I felt feelings that were overwhelming. I didn't want to feel it. And that's a lot of like my adulthood. I started to feel like I fucking hate feeling and I started to be like why do I hate feeling so much? And what happens is like when you suppress that, when you've suppressed the rage, which is healthy, because let's be honest, there are things that come up, you know, as women, as you know, like in this fucked up world that will should make you enraged.

And if you continue to like just downplay that and downplay that, you will feel nothing. You'll be numb and you won't be human. Humans are supposed to feel. And I've also realized recently it's just like when you suppress the rage, you suppress the sadness, you have no choice but to also suppress the joy when you start to overly regulate your feelings. Your body is trained to not overly feel. And I was literally telling myself this, like I'm not about to like cry like that not that

stops it. Like there are feelings that I just actively was just pushing down because I didn't want to. I don't want anyone else to see me feel and I didn't want to feel it because it felt triggering because I'm only reacting when someone and something's you know, making me react. But then when there was times where I'm feeling immense joy and happiness and safety. I felt like I could not express it and I could not I could not embody it because and I didn't know why.

I'm like, I actually really am happy, but I'm just like I felt like I was doing too much because I've already felt I've already trained myself so much and doing too much emotionally, Like you know, when you're a kid, like you're you're schripping, You're not starving, you're you know, like save those sears for something that really makes you cry, and so you start to like you stopped to you stop, you start stopping, this makes sense, You stop embodying any

extreme feeling, and then you're in your and you can't really you can't. You can't choose. You can't choose what which feelings that you're numbing out because you've kind of just numbed out everything there is your your your nervous system cannot regulate which emotions are which it just knows that actually, at a certain point, you shut the fuck down, you freeze, and that's it. And so it's taken me a lot to kind of undo that and really realize like it requires the voice to speak every like I'm

pissed off. It required even, it requires that even to feel compassion for other people, because by doing that, you're not being compassionate with yourself, You're not being soft with yourself, and so it becomes hard to care about anybody else's feelings.

And so when I'm hearing you talk about the compassion and like just being self aware, it's so true that I keep saying this, like I'm the compassion first has to begin with you, or she won't even be able to identify when you're not being compassionate to somebody else because you're fucking numb. And I've done it, you know, like a lot. And it's and I'm happy you said.

The childhood thing is because when you grow up in those you know, most of us have because most parents are taught to keep your kids in line, that you don't really have the tools in adulthood to to feel or to speak, or to rage or to like have extreme joy. And he almost feels guilty, you know, like this this feels too good to be true or too safe, and it's difficult, you know, and I think more people

have to hear that. It's like you really you have to move that energy in your body like you have to, you know, and like that's even sexually, it's even physical pleasure.

Like no, bitch, you're not. But you don't even you can't even recognize that you're not fine because you can't feel shit, you know, because you're so used to saying everything's the fuck okay, And so someone disrespecting you or someone hurting you literally feels like nothing because you've strained yourself to not feel shit to protect and a lot

of times it's a defense mechanism. But we have to find our place ourselves in safe places to disarm ourselves and regulate our nervous systems so that we're not we're not like react, we're not at like acting from a place of nothingness. You know. It's crazy, yeah, God, And.

gonna not be disappointed by something. We're never gonna not be kind of poked and prodded or some out you know, potentially injured by things that happen in the world, even if it's just observationally. So it's like making peace with the fact that, yes, this world is imperfect, but I'm gonna let myself feel joy when it's present instead of being scared of it. I'm gonna build my tolerance to

it instead of being scared. They're like, no, no, no, I don't want to let myself get happy or excited because then it's gonna go wrong or the other shoe is gonna drop. Right, yeesh, it is gonna go wrong. Let's be real, like, yes it is.

haven't given yourself this space And it's so crazy. Randomly, a random moment I had the other night, I was masturbating and and I had this like release and it was like this I could feel energy passing through my body and my at the my fingertips were numb, and my feet and I just I had to do this for like five minutes. I've never had anything like happen

like that. And I use masturbation as ritual too, like I use it for manifesting, I use it for pissed off, balance control, I use it whenever, morny, whatever, all the different things. But this one in particular, the reason I was using it was because I was on edge and I was like, I have got to get out of my body and out of my head, into my actually, I have to get into my body and out of

my head. And when I did, I had this like it was I felt like literal energy coming out, and it was like I needed to like shake it, shake it, shake it.

as mirrors to each other. And I've really seen and more than that, felt a lot of the changes and shifts that you've made, especially this year, and we have both for each other, witnessed a lot of transformations and a lot of evolutions, and we've really assisted in that, even if we haven't realized it, the evolving of like

the women that we are today. And I just today is your birthday, and I just want to remind you of like the woman that you've become in the last you know, six years, five years that I've witnessed you grow into and like watch you embrace these ebbs and flows and even when shit has been difficult, and you know, I've seen the grace that you've you know, you've given others in yourself, and just the to bear witness to the blossoming and the cocoon and the uncocooning of the

woman that you are has been really, really, really beautiful. And I'm proud of you. And I know this has been a tough year for you, and I know it's been an extremely successful year for you too, And I know it's been a lot of ups and downs, and I think that's difficult as women. We're experiencing really grand things alongside things that are like disheartening and sad, and

I know it's a weird place to be sometimes. But it is your birthday, so I got you a little surprise, and I just want to tell you that I love you so much. I love you too, and I'm very proud of you and the woman that you've become and that I've gotten to witness and you witnessing yourself do the work and just being self aware and saying, you know what, I'm going to let this go and I'm going to pick this up and I'm going to do this work and just you know, allowing yourself to do

that has been very beautiful. So you just wait here. I'll be right back. Thank you.

you know, when you do the work right. We still live in a world of everyone else who may not have or people at different places in their process and I found that one that affirmation extends a lot of great from my heart outwardly for people in their process, but it also has miraculously kind of transform my experiences that I don't know who the person may be to anybody else or who they are the rest of their day, but when they're in front of me, I'm always experiencing

the best of who that person can be. And I've used that at airports, like literally where there's two hundred people stranded standing outside and I'm.

to each other, and we're all different versions of ourselves at different times, and like it gives you, you know, they have compassion for people who are just like ignorant and they're bliss and their ignorance, and you know, sometimes that's for the safety of everyone, but also just preparing yourself to know and give compassion for experiencing people who are not the same place that you are, and then feeling okay with having that discriminative awareness to allow those

people to flow out and know that that's energy that you cannot hold on to and that you cannot keep, and that your purpose is so much bigger in this life or your purpose is this, and that purpose and that lesson is that and in order for you to fulfill your purpose, you have to release those people. And not in a negative where I'm higher or better than you weigh, but just for me to do what I need to do, I got to exit left hell.

things feel much worse than they really are. You may try to keep your worries private and personal to you, but if you are struggling to keep your head above water, it may now be time to confide in others and see their help and support. Others will offer you a new perspective or even just a place to vent that will ease some of the stress and tension. The reverse nine of Swords can also point out that you are incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down, or engaging in

negative self talk. So when the Nine of Swords reversed appears in a reading, ask yourself, why are you so hard on yourself? How are you putting yourself down? And what is the source of your depression? What can you do to make yourself feel better? On a more positive note, the Nine of Swords reverse can show that you have already worked through this period of worry and depression and

are making a recovery. You may have come to a realization that things are not as bad as you made them out to be, and you are beginning to relax and calm yourself about what was once a terrifying situation.

a mom and doing that much. But yeah, I feel really in my life and in my process, I feel clearer than I've ever felt, and I feel more an acceptance of in grace with and in flow with my life than I think i've ever been beautiful.

you let it go. Everyone can, I always say, just connect with me on Instagram and click the link in bio. It'll link you to my website. I'm the voice of daily meditation on the choper apps. You can meditate with me three sixty five days a year. I have a few hundred meditations I've done on there, and my podcast is called Deeply Well. It's all about conversations in higher consciousness and self care. And I have a book, Crystal Bliss. I have a couple announcements coming in the coming weeks.

But yeah, at Debbie Brown on my ig and click the link in the bio.