If I'm Being Honest

Getting money, homes, who's selling clothes?

Nor my gadwo bitches in the projects coming like booses, no being sober, no veh It Welcome back to good mom and bad choices. I'm Erica and I am Nila formerly known as Jamila the Artist, formerly known as I Now.

I'm having a really hard time deciding.

Jamila's having identity crisis.

Vote on our Instagram today Should I go by Jamila or Mila?

It's the same fucking ship.

Yeah, okay, sorry about last week, guys. We were in different cities. I mean, we're on the East Coast together, we were in different place and then I left, and I also just it just wasn't gonna happen, So.

We miscalculated our coordinates and timing.

And honestly, we haven't taken a break in one year. Literally it's been a year. Every weekend, every Wednesday for a year.

We took a break.

So everybody needs a Christmas and what everyone needs a mom. Everybody needs a break.

Everyone has a mom, Everyone needs a break leading us.

But yeah, I was. We have a lot to recap.

I know, I don't even know where to begin.

How was New York for you? And the Jersey and Pennsylvania or Philly, the same thing and all those things.

It was really good. I went that kind of last minute. It took Luna boy.

I had just had a quite an interesting trip. Well, we met, we worked, We spent the night in Bethlehem.

Really strange.

It's not strange.

It actually kicked me out for.

Some d She made me come to Bethlehem because she was scared and then woke me up at seven in the morning like.

Oh, so my dick is coming in, get your shit together. I'm ropping you. At the bus stop.

Me and Erico walked creepily through a cemetery in Bethlehem.

Oh, that's right, because we're strange.

I was thinking about that. Actually had to meet up.

I was like, oh, because we had the cemetery. Yeah.

We were driving through Bethlehem and we were just it was dark. We were heading to a bar and we noticed a really creepy, dark cemetery and I was like, let's just fuck it, let's go in there. So we pulled over, which was a whole thing and really difficult for some reason. And then we walked through the cemetery and it was old as fuck.

It was that was an old ass something.

It was like people from the eighteen seventeen, eighteen twenties or some shit.

It was like old ass corpses there, yeah, or bummed.

Jamila was scared, which makes me question all of her witchery. She didn't want to go deeper. I was like, come on, let's keep going, and she was like, I'm scared. I think I'm getting bent.

I don't know there's mosquitos why. This was just like my childhood memories of that movie. What movie was it?

Of the little girls in the cemetery. I've talked about it while we were there, but we couldn't think of the name. It's like an old movie that like All the Girls. I was living dead, no whatever.

I just got like Texas Chainsaw massacre mix.

No, that wasn't it another one? And I was like, let's get the fuck out of here. It seemed like a good idea, but now I'm scared. There's no lights. Things can happen, and no one will find us in both lands.

That's true.

We did a podcast. I drank way too much tequila. I like broke up. I was never in a relationship.

Let's be clear. Let me not illusionize myself. I went to see Young Bay.

I did one of those things that one Ten Ways Not to be Psycho.

You know that episode called ten Ways Not to Be Psycho. Well, i'd be psycho.

And I'd like to see his messages on his laptop while he was at work. So I guess I was like self inflicted pain. It's like, oh my god, I call it Erica.

Like there's so many bitches. I there's so many bitches. There's like twelve of them. I can't even keep up.

And so it was mad and I went back over there and then I was just it was just a bunch of stupid shit, boyshit. And I'm happy to say that is over.

I'm not gonna pretend people are my boyfriend when they're not.

And is it really over?

No?

It is really, really.

Really really Like if he called you today and was like, I'm sorry, I want to try this again. Let's you're so fucking nice. I don't believe you. No, you're so nice.

Do you want to believe you want.

To see the good in people's like, you're so you're such a nice person.

Honestly, I have to accept that neither of us are in.

A place to heal each other.

And I just think it's just like not ready, and I probably knew that a long time ago, but here I am two years later dumping the same young bay. I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship in any capacity except the moment with myself. I think I need to work on not dating and not having sex.

But apparently the men do. But the men, the men do.

Yeah, you know, I allowed myself to cry and feel like you hurt my feelings, but also I hurt my own feelings by looking and by pretending, well, maybe.

You needed to sometimes.

Okay, look, you shouldn't look through people's shit, but sometimes you have to in order to move on, Like sometimes you have to inflict that pain on yourself because there's really nothing else that would force you to.

Yeah, I think it was a lot of that. You know. I was like, you need to stop doing this.

Oh, I know when you were going to go look through his phone, did you think you weren't going to find anything or did you.

Know you were going to find it? I knew I was going to find some shit.

I mean, because we're not in a relationship, but I literally I don't think. I don't think I was prepared to find as much shit. And it was just like too close, like times I was visiting on my birthday. It was just like then the whack you know, it always pisses me off, the whack lines that guys use.

I'm like, oh, did was he?

Did he use those lines on YouTube?

And know who?

They were just corny And I was just like, you're corny. This is corny. Say I love you to any of them? No, there's no loves.

But it was like pictures of him and other chicks. None of the chicks look remotely like me, meaning they weren't black. Yeah, they're like blonde.

How does that make you feel?

Well?

I kind of felt like I told him, like I don't think I'm typically the type of girl you date, Like I don't think that I'm your type. And it's like no, no, no, no no, But I had seen some excess. But I don't know how it makes me feel. It just makes me think, like, am I your type?

You know? Are you attracted to me? Was this? Like was this a game?

Is this a game?

But just maybe it brought me all the way back to like the ninth grade for sure, like I'm acting crazy, I'm crying, I love you, Why are you doing this? You know? And then I had to like come back to my thirty one year old self and be like, bitch, there's other things to worry about. And then there's other shit that he did.

There was like a little off indications that you know, probably this is not the one some disrespect just like snappy bullshit I don't have time for.

I'm too old for.

And you know, with this retrograde that just passed and happened, I had all these feelings and had to examine myself, and I just realized it is easy to cling to comfortability. It's easy to clean to someone who like wants who you think wants a relationship and wants you because it feels good. It's about being validated, it's about attention, and it's about this weird, strange feeling of being safe and having comfort in someone else.

But it's kind of sick because, like I said, I knew this person probably wasn't the person for me, but I intentionally ignored all of the signs and went against it because.

It was temporary. It was temporary satisfact, satisfaction, affection, and attention. Everyone's guilty.

Yeah, you know he's fine, so that helps. But yeah, I'm over that. I'm over doing that.

I'm overpretending, like you know, when there's signs I want to pay attention to him. I don't want to give too much in a relationship that's not even really a relationship and then get disappointed by.

A relationship that's not really a relationship because well.

I think it's kind of like when we talked about daddy issues and like saying that we need to stop treating dudes like our boyfriends when they're not our boyfriends.

Yeah right, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah yeah, oh yeah.

We had this talk.

Just made me do a lot of questioning of myself, like why do the fuck did you do that?

And what were you expecting?

And is this the unhealthy ownership part that comes in like this is my ego? And also I just think he's a whore, and then my sled Yes I am uh, but yeah, I think I'm going on a dating detox now.

And then what else did you do out there? I just did you have a family did you go to the.

Family I made to the family union, which is like essentially a barbecue, but it was just hot. It was super hot and sticky. Luna hung out with her best friend, her best friend in New Jersey, Charlie. She had a good time. It's like all she wanted to do was see her girlfriend. She went to the driving with my uncle and her cousin. She spent time with them. She went swimming without floaties. So that's that's when.

Oh and we took We took a tour bus.

We drove from New Jersey to Los Angeles, which sounds kind of crazy, but it wasn't that bad because it was the tour bus. With cable and like unlimited snacks and two drivers, so they alternated.

So that was kind of interesting. Went through like.

Iowa, uh, Ohio, Denver house stops. No, we didn't stop. We're not fucking around. Okay, I just ate on the thing.

But yeah, that's pretty much it. How was your trip?

It was good. I was there for work. And then, like you said, my mom has a house in Buthlehem, So yes, I did make Samia come hang out with me, not really makes she wanted to come anyway. And then but I did have a dick appointment set up for my R and B boot.

If you didn't listen to.

Our previous episode. What is it called R and B kind of lingus?

No, it's called his tongue.

His mouth was a.

Vibran mouth was a vibrator.

So you know I rekindled things with His mouth was a vibrator. His mouth is still a vibrator. I'm happy to confirm. But what I did, so I don't know what I had have, like what my expectations were when we were hanging out, like I knew, like like when Jamila was leaving, I was kind of like, oh my god, wait, I'm spending like two and a half days in isolation with this person.

There's literally nothing really around. There's nothing.

So I was like, wait, what am I doing? Like I've known him for a really long time, but like we haven't really hung.

Out like that that ever. So I kind of started to freak out. He came, Oh my gosh, it's saying my disc is almost full.

Oh, I don't know. Anyway, we hung out. We're just gonna keep recording until it stops.

We hung out, and you know, we had a good time.

What I realized though, in our hangout is that it purely is sexual.

I don't I wasn't really know. I didn't know what I was expecting.

Like I maybe was open to, like maybe having more of an emotional connection with him, probably because you know, I've known him for so long. He's a really nice guy. But I think also it's somewhat unfortunately in my ego. It's the appeal of who he is and the fact that bitches love.

Him and his mouth vibrates.

It is not vibrates, but bitches love him. And but and then I'm like, do I really want to go down that road again? I don't really want to go down that road again. I've done the artist thing, and this is like a whole other level. Like R and B bitches are way more aggressive than I think WRAP bitches. So R and B bitches are more ar and B groupies are aggressive, I would say, so, yeah, they're they're

I say what I want.

Let me just say what I want. So I just asked him. I was like, what's up, you know, are you in love with someone or are you dating somebody or are you just not that into this or what? And he said, no, I'm not in love with anyone. I'm not dating anyone. I just can't help what my body does. And I was like, oh, your body doesn't want to fuck with me, okay, So basically he's not that into me.

Basically me and Eric have both discovered that psycho crazy thing you never know.

But the thing is like he and he took a bus from New York City at seven in the morning to come hang out with me for a weekend.

So that's why I am.

Yeah, so that's why I.

Was like, is he not that into me?

Because that's kind of like like going above and beyond, you know, like he could have waited to the afternoon to hop on that bus.

He sure should have.

Jamila would have been able to sleep in. I was pissed, but yeah, so that happened, and me and Jamila went to the city. We recorded with another fellow podcast which you know you'll hear about that later soon, and I was I got I got really really sick. And when I was in New York. I joined Hinge also. I decided because you know, like my tindering days, I feel like are kind of done. But I've always been an

He's kind of fine. He's followed us day. I was like, oh, is this is this tinder bet? I mean hingebig is he is fine? Yeah, he's cute.

He's also talented, which you know, I love a talented nigga. Who doesn't I know? But it's like I always date an artist, like creative, Like why can't he be a talented brain surgeon?

Oh, so so you're creative, you don'tt you don't want someone to be creative too.

No, it's not that, it's just I justn't have good luck. Wait, hold on's gonna die.

So you went on a uh oh.

Yeah, she was super sick, but must have enough energy to go on a date because that's what we do. We could be out cold on Friday Saturday night, there's there's some fun man in town and you're well.

I was like, so I took a bunch of cold medicine, so I started feeling better. So I was like, fuck it, I'm good. I can go have a drink. I'll be fine, or maybe I won't even drink all right. So he's like, Okay, can meet me at this bar in Brooklyn. So I go to Brooklyn. Oh and by the way, me and Jamila like had this big master plan that she had matched with someone on hinge and we were gonna go to the same bar but walk in separately, and if we needed to be saved, we were gonna save each other.

Oh girl, I didn't know here.

Hey, let's all hang. That didn't happen. But I went to this bar and the moment I walk in, he says to me.

I look at him and.

I'm like, oh, he's so cute. It's great. And he says to me, he goes, oh, have you been here before? I said, I was like, no, I haven't been here I'm taking mine, Like my hine is very basic. I don't have my Instagram, I don't have my last name, nothing, can't find me whatever. He's like, oh, you know, mad Lib had his album release party here with Freddy Gibbs and if you don't know who Freddy Gibbs is, my baby daddy. And I was like, oh cool. He's like,

She's really texting me like, oh my god, I want a date and he won't stop talking about.

Baby Oh oh god. And I'm like he's like, how do you know who they are? Like how do you know them? Like, where did you ever hear them?

Before the studio?

Actually he made the first album in my living room.

I was like, uh, yeah, I know, I know I know them.

And I was like, I'm just gonna tell him because this is gets overweight, because I think you're cute and maybe if I want a second day, you're gonna follow me on Instagram and you're gonna find out.

So anyway, I told him. It was fine.

He was shocked or whatever, but we got past that. It was just very awkward. I wasn't sure whether I had to like end it, end the date, but he was fine, so I said, fuck.

It was fine.

He was fine.

You know that's always that should be. That should be the ending for most sentences.

You know.

It was a bad idea, but he was fine. So we did it. No, we didn't do it, but anyway, so the date was well, it went well.

I went back to his house. We like, we like, we continue to drink a different bars. They ended all clothes, went to his house. I smoked a little bit and that was probably what fucking really killed me. And we didn't have sex or anything. We just made out, but we know we're still chatting but he doesn't even live here.

Time with happiness. I'm curious and I'm like, I'm cured.

I'm cured. I've I've I've solved the puzzle. I know how to established boundaries, and I just I don't, like I'm not good at I'm all in and or all out, and that's like that's how I try to like define who I am sometimes, but it doesn't have to be that way, and I don't want it to be that way because it doesn't serve me well, like being all in.

Or all out.

Oh yeah no, no, you know, in the same way, like and when I love you once, I like you, we're making love, like I'm making dinner, it goes it goes deep immediately.

But yeah, we probably have to practice, like.

I really have to establish boundaries. Even the patterns said that hadn't told me that I really have to work hard at boundaries. And it's like listening. They're listening to my conversations.

Pattern tells me every day, every day, I'm not going to have a traditional monogamous relationship.

So maybe I should just fucking start listening to pattern and just get that one out of my head. Literally every other dance.

With my Pattern tells me, you might think that you want this type of regular, traditional monogmalus relationship, but that's not for you, and clearly I'm fighting it.

Yeah. And then so me and Jamila were like chatting on the phone We're gone and stuff and talking our shit, and I was realizing that I say, like, fuck these niggas a lot, like we have Fuck these nigga ain't shit. Niggas ain't shit.

Fuck them, fuck this, fuck that, and.

You're stupid, And it's like, actually, I want to be more like them. I'm more mad at myself that I can't be more like them. Because men know how to establish boundaries.

Men juggle twelve bitches at the times.

And not all men, but a lot of men know how to establish boundaries, and we get mad by their boundaries and then we say fuck them like that, fuck you for prioritizing your shit over me, like fuck you for canceling we have this plan, I don't give a fuck.

You don't want to see me, you know.

And it's like I think I'm done with the fuck these niggas line, and because I feel like, yeah, yeah, there definitely are like terrible men out there, but a lot of times I'm mad because they didn't do what I wanted them to do, you know, like like my R and b Boo didn't give me the affection I wanted him to give me, like I felt like he was supposed to, Like why is he supposed to you know, like he's not my man, Like our connection was purely based in sex.

You know.

And so I just I feel like I want to be more like them.

I just I want to stop making unrealistic expectations. I mean, being honest is not an unrealistic expectation.

But I just don't want to be so gung ho on having someone that.

Yeah, like you'll accept anything, yes, because that's what I was seeing like MI macking my my realationship with my baby daddy, like making excuses like, oh, that was just one time, that was.

Just this, that was just that, that was just this, that was just you know what I mean.

But in reality, it was just that this person is right right, and I need to accept that and I need to fucking walk away instead of clinging. And I'm not a clingy person or anything like that word, but it's but it is, it's sick. It's just because I want to have someone to feel like I have someone I can call, even if that person's not even living in this city. There's some type of it provided some type of comfort for me.

Someone who's calling you and you look forward to it like oh, hey, oh I'm loved, Oh I'm needed, Oh I'm wanted, you know.

And then like what are these fake ass boundaries I've put on his dick, like I have was there two days ago.

I'm just gonna have sex with that forty eight hour gap, Like I know we're not together, but at least give it seventy two hours and when I leave town, you know, like what kind of weird dumb shit is that?

Like why did I think that that was realistic.

It's not.

I mean, I just it doesn't matter. Whatever the fuck you do with your body is your body.

If I share to share, if I share my body with you, and then I feel some type.

Of way about how you know you're handling yourself.

I need, I need to really reevaluate who I'm giving my body to.

Then if I feel.

Sorry, well, also are you are you upholding those rules to yourself too?

Right? You know what I mean? I mean, like you are you doing that for him? Right? So you can't be that bad. All I also want to say is I just want everyone to know.

Everybody listen, listen those six months wore I didn't have sex. Yeah great, I started having sex and all downhill everything I had slightly tried to like change just gradually I got really far away from that because I feel like, for me, I have sex in hopes that I don't.

Know I'll find value in you. No, not, I don't even I don't know, because I mean I do that all.

Like to for so many reasons. I have sex, like to get one up on you. Oh you hang out with somebody else, I can hang out with somebody else too, Oh, I like, yeah, I want to consummate like these feelings. I want to ignore the feelings that I know you're probably not the naked for me, but have sex with me because I'll forget, you know, like there's all these reasons I'm having sex, and shit, sometimes I'm not even like coming, Like am I even satisfied from these interactions?

Heart is broken, and she was.

Like, your heart's been broken for a long time and I've ignored her.

And then later she's like, do you know what I meant by that?

Like somebody broke your heart early, like as a child.

She's like, think about it. She's like, maybe it was your parents.

You know your parents had a really how do you say to emotional relationship and someone broke your heart then and now you're trying to repair it in other relationships. She's like, even your relationships with women, how do you think your relationship with other women reflect you and your mom's relationship? And she's like, I think you're impatient with your and your friendships because you're impatient with your mom, and I was just like, oh fuck, not this, these

But I've accepted it. It's okay.

I feel like that's normal and I can keep doing it and have sex and it's fine. But that's not normal and I need to really examine.

Well, maybe like you're you did the six months thing, but you were you were consistently dating throughout that time, right, so you weren't really healing the actual thing that needs to be healed. Yeah, the sex is a thing, but what really needs to be healed is why, what is this desire for attention? What is this desire for feeling needed or desired or you know, because you could you

Yeah, And I realized that now, and I realized like probably not dating and not drink to not have sex, Like there's all these things.

Well, because alcohol definitely makes everyone like say fuck it, fuck it. Yeah, it's a lot easier to say fuck it. I'll deal with it tomorrow. I'm having fun. This is fun. I want to be fun. I'm having like you know, fuck, we only lived once, you know, it's like our favorite thing, you know. And it's like you've end up feeling fucked up and you know you're crying on a bus.

Yeah, like me.

And that's also that was another thing, like what with me feeling bad about it? And I what am I feeling bad about? I'm feeling bad that he was intimate with somebody else, But like I was like I was

Oh her boots are bigger than mine. Yeah, Oh I'm cuter, my face is cuter. Oh she's shut.

Oh she's trying.

And then like literally like obsessing over like a fucking psychopath, and like thinking about them having sex.

Is it better than my sex? No? No way, there's no way for real.

But it's just like it's just like self inflicting bullshit that I could have avoided because it has nothing to do.

With me, you know, Like I'm worthy. I know I'm the shit.

Like, and when someone recognizes that, it will happen and we're compatible and it works, it will just happen that way, you know what I mean. I won't have to like fight my way to the top. I'm no winner.

Look well that and also like make excuses for his actions, you know, because I feel like Happy Babe showed you things. I'm sorry, Young Bay showed you did things that your baby daddy did, But you've normalized, you normalize that for so long that it was easy for you to normalize it in this relationship because.

It because it was a little better, right, maybe a lot better but still not right, still still similar.

Like he was better than him and that was.

Enough, right right, Oh you're not that person.

Great?

You know it's like I get it.

I was actually speaking of happy Babe. He put up this quote on his Instagram. I think you said it saw it too, and it was like it struck. First of all, I saw it, I was like annoyed. But then I was like, what am I annoyed by? This is so true, like this is yeah. It said stop trying to find the one and be the one. And I was like, so what are you trying to say? I'm not the one? And I was like, okay, this

This is what we do.

We like project our our once, like the potential that we see in people, and then we blur it as a reality and in fact it ain't like you are. Maybe you could be my husband, maybe you could be Prince Charming, but we could just work on these little things and then we can be.

Together forever, which is psycho well.

I think we always start thinking about what our future looks like with someone we have one good night.

Yeah, we're like, oh, what would our futures look like? What our kids look like? Do you want kids? Don't let the guy want kids? And maybe he says he's in the marriage.

I think that was a lot with the young Bay too, But obviously he was lying, but obviously he's not ready for shit.

But I think that was.

An appeal too, Like he wanted, he wanted family, he wanted to settle down.

I was like, oh, look a good guy wanted to do the right thing. You and your goddamn picket fence, and I do like, but then I want to do crazy ship.

You can have a crazy life and a picket fence, not crazy life, but like you know, some spots you can have what you want and the picket fence.

You know, it's just you go, Yeah, you have someone who can do the ship with get be with the ship.

Yeah, yeah, I mean I feel you. I'm just like I think like the I also think like going back to like not saying fuck these niggas, well, that's not good terrible energy. Why how why would I ever attract an amazing man if I'm constantly saying how whack all men?

And you know, even saying it from Alona sometimes we're just talking.

I'm like, she's gonna subconsciously she'll hear that.

Yeah, It's like, how am I ever going to attract a good man if I'm generalizing all men and saying all men are whack? All men are done.

Instead of being like if I chose the wrong person and that person didn't value me, yeah, or mean like we're in different growth places. We're different places in our growth and so it doesn't we're not compatible.

But what I will say, in this relationship.

I've only had like three, I am proud that I was able to just like be expressive, like I think a lot of times in other relationships, I just try to be hardcore because I am, but like I won't cry. I just like I am pretty good for that. Even when I looked through his shit, I was like, it's all good, dog, Like, that's a lot of bitches. Like usually I can remember like two names. These are a thousand.

Her, and then I can move past it.

So I'm trying to be more aware of giving myself the space to feel and to care and then to examine why.

I feel this way.

But and then sometimes there is no why. I just my feelings are fucking hurt. But I mean, I guess that was learning. It's just all learning.

You know.

I'm realizing I've wasted time just when I'm not ready.

Well, you didn't give yourself enough time. I think in between you know, baby Daddy and him, you know you wanted something to replace him.

I did. It was like a year or two.

Yeah, but you're still dabbling in the baby Daddy pot and me, you know, feeding into all the negativity. You guys were talking going back and forth, like you're in a toxic relationship, you know, like and and you you guys have you know, that's probably gonna go on for a while because that's just who he is, you know.

But like we need you need, you need me need.

We need space to heal, and it's hard to do that with someone else. Yes, you can heal with someone too, because I find a lot of people are like, I have to be single in order to grow, and it's like, no, you don't. But there's certain things though that like, yeah, I do to be alone to do this. I really can't fully address what's happening here if you're in my space and in my energy.

Well, I think the first thing is I'm realizing is like we don't ever want to admit it because we want to say, oh, I love myself. I think I'm great, and I do, but I've had to re examine like finding value in myself, like really really valuing myself, my time, my energy, because when you value yourself when someone else doesn't value you, like when young Bay what for a reason, I felt betrayal, I felt like threatened. But if I valued myself, I'd be like, oh, it's not a big deal.

So like I had to examine that too.

Like why do I feel subconsciously like I deserve certain behaviors and keep attracting people like that?

No? For sure, for sure.

I'm thinking I want to, like maybe take myself on a date sometimes we should, you know, like take care of myself more so that the next person who says they like me, I'm not just like by like, you know.

Maybe you need to get off hinge. Okay, because why are you on there if you're not if you're going on dating detalks.

Because it's kind of fun. But I'm gonna get.

It's ego and it's based in validation.

But that's another thing. Like I am so I'm addicted to people.

I love to meet new people, I love to hang out over drinks.

Yeah, but that but that's a line that gets blurred between liking people and needing them to validate you.

I know, I'm just needing to be distracted by other people's that are doing because it's new, it's refreshing.

Because you're on Hinge. People are not looking to just be your friend, Jamula, They're looking to fuck or to date. Like like, if you want to be people, then go out and meet people, don't seek them out on dating apps. You know you can meet new people. You like to go out anyway. We go out and me meet people all the time. But going on a hinge app 're going on there for a purpose. The purpose is validation most literally, it is those apps are based in validation.

Because all you see is how great you are.

All you see our pictures, you know, like for sure, I mean even me, Like I'm not Fay saying I'm going on a dating detox, but I know I'm not. I'm open to just hanging out with people. But because but I'm not, I don't. I can't even I think because I was in love or I don't even know

No?

I just I feel like I do. I kind of really do need to just be alone and like figure that out. But we're not deleting Hinge.

So you told me I should do it. Well, I think that you you're therapizing me. Yeah, I think you're saying you're I.

Mean, you're to think I'm judging you. But I think that you need to delete Hinge more than.

I need to delete Hinge.

To be honest. If I'm being honest and I'm not telling I don't want to tell you that, and you feel like you can't tell me shit, because that's not the point of me telling you.

I'm only telling you this as your friend.

I just feel like you need to just really like because you like people more than I do. I don't like people that much. I don't need to, like go have a drink with someone just because, like me, it looks nice.

On their profile.

Like, I'm like, I'm cool.

Bye, I'm like, he studies a feminist, I'm going out for a drink.

Yeah, Like that doesn't I'm like, I'm cool. Like I'm so judgmental. I'm like, yeah, you and everybody else are intersectional feminists. Bye.

Bye.

It's really especially you're white and you're saying you're intersectional feminist. Oh yeah, all the black pussy's flocking to you. You're like, oh my god, he's white and he understands gender sex and.

He's a nice guy. Yeah. I need to chill. I mean, I know I need to chill.

I mean, this has been an ongoing thing in my life. This is a theme, like my adult life. It has somewhat an addiction, my strange addiction, tinge dating. I I deal with in people because I'm avoiding dealing with my fucking self. And it's fun to interact with people, and it's fun to get the validation and it's fun to get attention.

And I don't mind people. So that's my that's my escapism in a weird way because it's it just.

Takes so much energy. But one time, when I first moved back here, did I tell you? I went to s l A s l A A meeting?

What is what is that?

Sexual Sex and Love Addicts anonymous meeting because I thought that I had a problem. Not funny, Wait what do people do?

People like, yeah, it's a standard and they're like, Hi, my name is Tomila and I'm a sex and love addict.

Yeah okay, And then I realized, oh shit, I don't want to be in here forever.

So that was my first and last meeting.

But the fact that I thought I needed to go says a lot. And it's in some capacity, you know, like there's truth to it. And I've I have realized I really need to go back to my childhood and figure out where's there?

Where's their void? And why do I feel that?

Why does why do you like trying to fake cultivate these relationships make me, give me, bring me comfort in some weird way, but don't you know? And then I saw, like hurd a lot of infidelity growing up, Like my dad, I was always like, there's always some shit about some other bitches or something, and I feel like even that, I think, but this situation with young Bay, it triggered those feelings in me, like the abandonment and like the thought of.

Just someone being able to just get up and leave you.

And that's not really it's weird because those are not really my fears as so much. I think they're my moms and that's what I heard a lot. So I feel like I adopted a lot of that.

Well, isn't it weird? How Like that's like we we do. We do adopt those some of the fears that our parents have, even th when we think we haven't or we think like, oh no, that's not me, I'm nothing like you, and then they things pop up and you're like, oh shit. It's like they show up in different forms. I mean even with me and my like my mom too, Like I remember being a teenager and being like I will never ever be like you, like be like do that or do this or treat me like this if

Out why that is.

You know, the evaluation is real. Okay, it's sicking me like a long time. M hm.

You know, it takes us a lifetime. This should ain't gonna be this shit is not gonna be solved in six months. It's not, you know.

And then like the more I really really evaluate it, I can see that it's so annoying because I'm just like, it's so clear that until I really take the time to.

Do it, you'll never be in a happy, healthy relationship.

So the longer you drag your feet, bitch, the longer you keep avoiding it and pretending. The longer you keep adding people to the mix that you can't provide for and they can't like you, I'm going to continue to get the same results and it's not gonna be what I want.

It's not good. Like, first of all, what the fuck is it that I do want?

You know, Like, what kind of long term relationship am I trying to cultivate? And first, let's work on this relationship with your fucking self before you start recruiting other people to your bullshit.

No, absolutely, yeah, I mean yeah, so that's where we're at.

You lose.

I need to work on boundaries. You need to work on not dating boundaries, boundaries or just not a lot. I feel like you allow people to disrespect you, and as your friend, I get annoyed. I get upset for you, Like you don't even get upset, And I'm like, how the fuck is that? That's not okay? Like I get upset for you because you're so fucking nice.

I give a lot of chances.

And like I get that too, and like that's probably one of my shortcomings, is that I don't really give a lot of chances, whereas I feel like maybe sometimes there's been people in my life that deserves them, right, you know, but like there's also things that are just straight disrespectful and straight. Yeah, and it's just like shows people like how they value you, you know what I mean. And it's like if they can do that and then you'll forgive them, they're absolutely.

Gonna do it again.

Like and that's and and I that became clear in my last relationship, constantly forgiving, forgiving, and me knowing like I would say, I'm forgiving him, knowing I know this isn't right, but this is a conscious choice. I've accepted it, and I'm going to forgive him. And this is my business. And that's it. So when when the shit kept popping up, it was no one's fault but mine because I kept I kept giving him the okay to do it. You know, there's no consequences.

Yeah, God, I talking about signs and not following him and like going against your gut. Even so I wrote this whole post because on my way to New York or to Philly, I got into my baby daddy and he said some really fucked up shits meet in the car next to Luna, and it upset the fuck out of me. He's just super disrespectful he did in front of Luna. I was fucking livid. But this is like our relationship, like him disrespecting me.

This is just who he is. This is like a part of it is because I've accepted that this is what this is what he's gonna do, and he's gonna be like, I love you tomorrow. You know I didn't mean it.

So upon getting to Philly, Young Bay was there. We were fine, we were good, and then I was supposed to go back.

He went back.

I was supposed to meet him, but I was debating if I was gonna go to Bethlehem with Erica, if we're gonna take the train, whatever. I didn't respond in a timely fashion. I guess, And this, I guess, says to me in a text message.

I guess he flipped out. I don't know what he was going through. He says, I could see why your baby daddy talks to you the way he did. When I say, trigger, trigger, trigger triggered the fuck out of me. It was like, within three days of the first situation that already pissed me the fuck off. And after that I was like, and did he know that you had?

Did you express to him what he had said.

Yes, And sometimes I'm really like careful about expressing stuff because I feel people like don't want to hear about it, or like you know, like I'm sure you've heard me discuss it four hundred thousand times and it's just like who wants to keep carrying the show? But I did express that, and then of course he apologized, and.

I'm like, you don't understand, Like, first of all, no, I you do understand what that meant. And I think that's a red flag for me when people take what I've told them in confidence and in vulnerability and then like try to shoot it at me in a place to hurt me. I don't fuck with that at all.

Well, he's basically saying you deserve it, yeah, and it.

Was such a trigger for me, and also like you did it with intentions to try and hurt my feelings. I don't believe in loving that way, Like you could tell me anything, and I'm not gonna bring it up in an argument the next day because I know that's weak.

So that had already happened.

And then I continue to brush shit under the carpet because I'm crazy, but it's true because I'm so used to that type of pattern and that cycle with my baby's daddy, that like, I'm kind of used to doing that, and I want to see the good in him. I'm like, well he's not as bad as this person. And he's like, oh, you think I'm like him? You think I would hit you? And I was like, I don't know. This is how it starts.

I don't know. I'm getting triggered, you know what I mean, because that's true, and it took you know, well, your.

Baby dad didn't hit you off the jump. It's like pushing and pushing. Oh yeah, pushing. Oh I get a win that. Oh I that, Oh I get win that.

Oh let me put it?

Let me like sure real quick, Oh let me shake her.

It was like a four year It was like a lot, like.

It never shows up at first like that. It's a progression.

It's a verbal It's like I'm gonna I'm gonna hurt I'm gonna hurt you physically in a way it doesn't leave marks, and then it just gradually gets worse and worse and worse until you wake up you're like, Okay, who the fuck am I what's happening? And that's literally what happened to me. So when I SAWT like even knowing that and knowing, okay, like this, I told her

I don't argue that way. I can get loud, I can get crazy, but I don't know. I don't fight.

I don't really fight dirty that way, and I don't really want to fuck with anyone who does. I've been there, I've done that, and so you know, there's all these these uh indications and these red flags that have been there, and I've just ignored and ignored and ignored because I'd rather feel validated and loved on the weekend instead of really dealing with the person that you really are.

Well, that's that holds more weight for you than your self love right now, right and it needs to like come back to the balance. Me too in a lot of ways too. I mean, I abuse showed up for me in a different way, you know, and also like accepting things that I know are unacceptable showed up for me.

In different ways.

I'm no by and no means fucking perfect at all.

You know.

Like I told Youmila the other day, I was like, that's why I mute people that I don't want to fuck with. And she's like, oh, that's really funny because I just saw you comment on his last picture, bitch, and I was like, whatever, he liked my photo and I went into his page and that's why I commented. So no, I ain't got this shit all figured out, and I want you to know, like, I don't want you feeling like you can't express things to me because

Apparently all my friends are afraid of me, and so am I.

So I think I know. I know how that is. And most most people don't tell me about myself because I'm so opinionated. I think they're scared so like, and I wish they did more. I really do. Friends, if you're listening, tell me about myself, please, But like, I love you and I want the best for you. And that's why I like when I see people disrespecting you and you tolerating it. It pisses me off. I'm like, why the fuck is she friends with this person? This

That I love you and I and I recognize it, and I recognize that I give a lot of chances and that and.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. But there's certain people that just don't deserve chances, right, Like give a few and then it's like, Okay, this is who you are. Let me believe you. Let me believe you, right, because

After I like there was funny.

He's like, but I love you, like I don't care about any with other women, like I I'm in love with you though, I'm like, tell me anything.

I was gonna say something. Oh one more thing that triggered me. I mean, I've never it's real trigger if I was just trying to like search for some shit. I brought Luna with me on my trip. It's not recording, it's dead. Fuck we're supposed to be recording our episode in the fun time. Anyway, I brought lu on the trip, and you know, he was hanging out with us and being so affectionate with Luda, and it's like, of course, it warms.

My heart to see her remotely like care about someone I care about. Granted it's the only person she's ever seen me or like be kind of cuddly with or whatever. But the next day, when I found out he had like slept of somebody like the night before being around us, I was like, how dare you be all to my my kid's face and all in my face knowing you were all up on somebody else last night.

And he was like, that's so low to bring Luna into this, and I was like, is it? Is it? We're the same, we're connected, cheat on how you cheated on me? But it wasn't cheating, but it was.

Man, that's why you have to be careful. Who's so you bring around.

Luna and that and I had I had to read, I had to think about that, and I'm like, and I don't. I don't have regrets about it. I don't feel bad about it. But I'm like, Okay, that's why. How necessary if I'm just casually dating some one and you're fucking other people? And it's not even about the fucking of other people, it's just like, do you need to be around my kid?

Probably not like you.

Does my kid need to be having any attachments to the guys I date?

You know what I mean?

Probably not, And I'm not I'm sure she's not gonna be crying. She don't care a fuck, you know what I'm saying, Like, oh me, I care, but like.

Yeah, but I mean, this was a learning experience because had it not happened, you maybe would have done it again and again and like kids do develop attachments, whether or not you realize it or not. Like my mom had a boyfriend that she didn't even realize how attached I was to him when it was over, you know what I mean, those type of things that aren't big deals to me and you, but are bigger deals to them.

And I noticed when I was over there.

When we got over there, I had a weird vibe. I already knew or could already feel.

Something was that, like you know you can feel if your nick has been with somebody else, like the energy's off.

And Lena was looking at me and she's like, she's like, you look sad. And I was like, no, I'm tired. And she's like, oh, well, you look sad.

And I was like, god, damn, I'm this like a little baby for real.

And then I noticed that she would tell other people like, oh, my mom's boyfriend, my mom's boyfriend, and I'm like, so she is in some way like, well he was he was my boyfriend. So you know, right right, Lena, I need to talk to you. We've broken up again, you know, I gotta talk to you.

We're back off.

Okay, don't tell anybody that information, but it you know, it just it just it just made me see how like it's really not to be played with. How I can't just be calling people my boyfriend if I have a boyfriend and that like I can't do boyfriend things if you're not my boyfriend, because it's not just me.

There is another person.

Involved here, you know, and she thinks you're my boyfriend, and now I gotta tell her you're not.

Mommy got dumped. Anyway, you have other delusions.

Well, I'm a lighter note, switch it up real real quick.

Because that's just depressing.

That was a little heavy, and you know, but you know, it's this is where we're at. We have a good horror story.

We do.

We're gonna but are gonna talk about cinespia?

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Okay. We went to go and see Boys in the Heads on Saturday. It was really fun. We had we were popping.

Like nineteen people came, Black Roun Fravado came, all of her homemies came, basically Jessica ros Uh, Shay Shay Near alyn Nisha Ashley.

Some new some new listeners, some new listeners. I also ran into some listeners at Beauty Con yesterday, which was really cool.

It was fun.

We had Mela ate so much food. We first of all, we are the ones that like made everyone bring the food and then we ate it all. Jamala made these jerk sandwiches that were bombed. She plate popping. I literally like, haven't really been eating cheese and I waited for this moment.

Cheese yo. I had like five donuts.

I had like five donuts. I had a cupcake, I had cookies. I had it was fucking.

Crazy, like four tequilas. I don't I think I threw all my keys.

I don't know.

So we had this brilliant idea, so so a lot A couple of weeks ago when we went to a Hollywood cemetery, I alone because no me and one other persons did a little molly at the end at the Exorcist because you know, whoa why not? I don't have the kids do a little molly. So that was fine.

So this week, Erica had some extra molleys from a party and I said, oh, yeah, bring those mollies to the cemetery because that's what moms do. So you know, in my head, I deliberately was like, I'm not gonna take this Molly before Ricky dies, because that's gonna be too much.

It's gonna be too much if I start to roll when Rickey dies. So I was like, you know, I'm a chill. I'm a chill until.

After the movie. I cried when Ricky died. It was real sad.

We try to go out.

So we were trying to go to this party called Shaba in La that used to be cool, but now it's over the fucking top.

Hollywood is fun.

So we left there and then we decided to go to party in two thousands party they started off.

It was people from it was music with two thousands and children from nineteen ninety seven.

Very strange situation, but I was like, I don't want to take this Molly until we're in a secure place where like we can.

We're gonna be for a while because we've learned our lesson in mom. Sheilla, yeah, okay. We didn't want to do that.

So we're like, okay, we're here. We made it. I'm like, okay, you can take it. She's like yep, and then we like passed it out over other friend. You want one to oh, I got four, so we're all popping them.

We were just like the jugular city over here. Yeah.

So we take them and we're like, okay, dancing dancing, like do you feel it?

And I'm like no, we're getting tired. And I'm like and I'm like, so full, bitch.

Okay.

We had drank like a food coma, and we drank so much, and you know, I saw that book so much. So we get in the car and I was like, I'm going home. I'm tired. I was like, let's just go home.

I was draw like the Molly didn't work.

Yeah, I'm like, this Molly is fake. We're all like she didn't Like I'm tired.

I was like, this shit is fake because I got it at a party where there were a lot of fake drugs, was like the theme of the party, and then they started handing out real Molly's.

It said there was fake drugs. What is a fake drug? It was like a setup.

It was also looked like mounds of cocaine, big pounds of mushrooms everywhere.

Ship okay.

Yeah.

So I was like it must be for insurance liability purposes. And I was like maybe it was a vitamin okay, right, it would be. So I go home. She drops me off I another problem. I drink. I start looking at my phone for victims, okay, and so my phone died so i'd pluget it and I'm just I fell asleep like trying to look at my phone.

I wake up.

All the lights are on and I look at my phone. It's like five thirty in the morning.

I go to pee. I'm just sitting there paying and I started like looking around, kind of biting my jaw. I'm like, uh uh no, fucking way.

The mother fucking Molly hit Five hours later and I'm alone and it's five thirty in the morning.

I was pissed. I like woke up at the peak, like, oh my god, am I rolling in the morning? Why God why? I said?

Just so I wake up like throughout the night, Like around like five am. I woke up and I was like, why am I so fucking hot?

So I've hurt?

I blast the air conditioning se fashion sleeping on my couch. I'm like, this thing isn't about to be cold because I'm hot. I don't give a fuck. Go wake up at six again, I'm like, is the air not working? I look at seventy degrees in my house, so I'm like, it's still I'm hot. I go back to sleep. Finally I wake up at seven, I'm like, where's my phone? And I couldn't find my phone anywhere. I was looking for like a psychopath. I look at my phone and Jamila had text me like, bitch, I just woke up

Ready?

And then I realized I am high, and I'm like, oh my god, and I felt like I just felt like energized.

Yes, I was just up.

I text I text my homegirl. If we started texting, She's like, want me to come over seven am. I'm like, please come over.

I'm rolling.

She pulls up at seven in the morning to tell me a story.

I'm like and then and then another one of our listeners took one too, and she.

I text her. I'm like, yo, I woke up high as fuck. She's like, bitch, I'm cleaning my house like a goddamn crackhead. We all went to sleep and woke up rolling like.

I woke up, I like, cleaned my car, made a makeup tutorial, fucking like, and.

Then Texas did the make up to tourial that I look sucked up, like what I was tripping?

And then I had to go to like a fucking beauty convention. I was like, oh my god, how am I going to do this? But actually I at first I was really upset that I was rolling. I was like why. I was like, highly upset, and then at some point I was like, I gotta just let go with it, and I had a great day. I had a really good day. It's great, but I just was expecting.

A time release five hours later. Roll. Yeah why what three reasons not to do drugs at the movies?

Yeah yeah, just or just don't take drugs from strangers.

Oh yeah, that eot.

So.

I don't know what our next meetup is, but we're planning one soon. You definitely should come. Not guaranteeing that Molly will be there.

This isn't like a thing. It's like good mom's meet up, Molly, right, bring your drugs. I was thinking about should we do one with the kids, and no, we should. We should know where we could talk more because we talk a lot. We're all in the movies. They like run kay Run. I was like, why would we bring our ghetto assids to the movie yelling at the screen. We was clapping and shit, whatever black people watching boys? Mother right?

Fuck these white people and their movie watching etiquette.

Don't you know who you went?

We have a horror story submitted by an anonymous person.

Who stories I wanted a girl and a guy into me. Anyway, I found a couple where they both were hot, which ps is super hard to find.

Yeah, I know. I interviewed them, thought they were cool, and interviewed them. Yeah, this is the Yeah.

I interviewed them, thought they were cool and regardless, we would have fun. And I thought at the time that they were both into it. So night of, so night of we made at a bar. She says she isn't drinking, which is fine in itself. I don't mean people to be wasted, but it seemed off. She seemed different this night, not as into it. She said she didn't feel well. Who went a three way with a sick girl?

For real? I've done that and.

It wasn't good. I said, hey, we can hang. We can hang and do this another night if you're not feeling well. She said no, she wanted.

To do it tonight.

Okay, me and her man drink, we talk, then we go back to their house. Apartment had tons of She goes one apartment, I had tons of hipster Taxidermy. Turns out he has daddy money. I start having an asthma attack because I'm allergic to fur and they're a goddamn dead animals everywhere. Then I am waiting for them to make the move because they are the couple and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. They don't, so I finally start taking off my clothes and basically I'm like, okay,

He is not great at sex. Oh good. I try to change positions with him, and frankly, he just isn't good at sex. So then I concentrate on her.

I want her to be on me while her man, who is bad at sex, fox her.

Let's reiterate, he's not getting sad.

She starts making weird, whimpering baby noises, and I am like, fuck no, So I just sit there for a second while they have really medium sex like boring sex. I am so over this, so finally I just start like coaching them to have better sex. I'm like, yeah, slap her ass, grab her titty harder, and play with her clip while you fuck her girl, tell him what you want, bite him, et cetera. They end up having slightly better sex with my coaching while I masturbate just so I

Laugh out loud.

At least I got that writing this is making me hot for an actual good three way U.

Okay.

Also, I said, well, where'd you meet them? And she told me she met them on trender.

Wait, what is it.

Called tinder.

Tender? Which I never Oh, yeah, trender And they actually shut down because I got sued by tender.

This name was too close. I thought it was a typo. I was like, rights, but trender is great. That was great, that was funny as that so sad.

Mediocre sex and a threesome. Goddamn. You never really know what you're walking into when you do those things, really don't.

I mean, I don't even highly suggested if you're not a good one for to like roll with the punches.

Yeah, if we haven't had the three some you need some advice, refer to our old episode five ways to have a positive three some experience because we're experts.

Well, anyway, guys, that's it.

If you have any horries, please submit DM them, email us, follow us on Instagram, Good Mom's Underscore by Choices. Make sure you follow us or subscribe to our Patreon.

You can search us Good Mom's Bad Choices. This episode is going to be up there, but we've definitely had camera issues, so I'm really sure we're gonna do about that part.

But yeah, we oh, I know we're gonna do. We start vlogging, you know, hello, it's an announcement. Good Moms has started vlogging. When we were in New York, I was like, Okay, I really think we should flog we should really vlog this, and she like, stop saying it.

But I like it all the All the influencers are vlogging these days. Okay, well we're fill in the gap with a vlog. I guess I don't know.

Away, have a great week, have a beautiful week, make good decisions, set your boundaries.

If you make bad decisions, grow front of them and acknowledge them, and don't come.

Under the rug like you have a wonderful day.

Bye bye.

Why your niggas ain't ship?

And if I was a Julie, I'd tell you, bitch, niggas.

Fuck you bitch. Why you acting like a rich car Niggas ain't ship? And no, no, no, or don't want to do.

Is get my pussy something count a million bucks in the back of her on the truck when I get you fucked up off

The Teo and Baxter Prime chron