I'm Alone but I'm Not Lonely

Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Meela. Happy Wednesday, Happy hump Day.

How are you.

I'm fucking amazing. I love that. I'm great. Yeah, so fucking happy. Honestly, I feel like I've come out from beneath the cloud.

Hi.

It's me. Hi, how are you. It's me. I'm back.

Oh my god, I'm back. When you walked through the door, you were very chipper. I was like, okay, girl.

Not chipper. I would like to say I'm generally chipper, but okay, no, you are.

But it was to know sometimes you're like, hey, girl, I mean, I'm not gonna lie.

For the last three months has been in life, it was versus are making me sound like Daria.

It was you are very've been very real.

It's hey, I'm fine, everything's fine.

I'm fine.

Everything was not fine. I was fucking going through it. And you know now I'm doing a lot better. You know, retrograde is over too. I know, like it's just all I'm just all aligned at the same time. It was all going bad at the same time. Quickly it was going bad and then it's getting better at the same time, and I'm just like, like, for real, for real, for all, I feel much much better.

How are you do you want to tell people why you feel better? Oh?

Okay, I'm just doing better.

I'm just better overall.

I woke up and everything's great. I drank some milk.

Are you four?

I'm eating cereal. So I have been struggling. I haven't had like I've been in between places and staying at my mom's, staying here, staying there, And finally this week I got an apartment. Yesterday, I moved my shit in so fast. You've never seen a bitch move shit in so fast. Okay, it's never happened. I did it in two hours. Oh my god, you really can't kick me out here. I went through great lengths to get here, great lengths at one point and have a car and a house at the same time. And I was just

Yeah, I don't think because even like, wait, who are we talking to? You said you got an apartment, and and they were like are you excited? Like hello, You're like I just I'm excited.

I just need to get in there, very excited. I'm so excited. I just needed to get there. I needed to get the keys. It took three days, close the door, closed the door, And I'm like, did you do that?

Like what was that? Like? When everyone left, and.

Just just like literally a weight lifted off of my shoulders, like literally I could not I could not think. I could not think. I could not think. I literally could only think about two things. And it was it was just it's been clouding me and I emotionally, i'd have an anxiety. I was feeling like this is going to be forever. My anxiety was going to be a forever situation. And I don't have anxiety anymore. And like I was catching triple digits and I kept just saying like I

You know.

It feels good to just be like, oh that that's done now, like okay, now what I mean, Like even with this like whole breakup bullshit, like just clouded in that, Like I just feel so much better overall, Like none of that shit matters at fucking.

All, because you have your own space, space to feel stable and love on yourself the way you want in private, in your own shit period. Yeah, you don't have to stay anywhere because you know what i mean, like if you get into it with someone that you're staying with, or you'd be like where am I going to go right now? I'm gonna figure this out right now. But now it's like no, bye, nigga, bye bitches, catch you later.

Yeah, I mean, And it's just the power cancer.

You need your own little crab hole.

I really do. I was really trying it this last year, you know, like literally trying it. This huge, huge struggle for me, and I'm just so happy to like to have let Luna have a room. I got two rooms, not one. I'm just putting stuff in her room. And I was like, I'm just so happy that I'm putting

Well, I am so proud of you. I'm so relieved for you.

And I was probably stressing you out, stressing myself up.

No, no, you you. I don't know how you do it, but you'd be pushing through a girl you push through. I don't know if I could do handle things the way you do, and I don't know if that's good or bad, but but I'm proud of you. I'm really excited for you and Luna to have your own ship

I really the Patreon you were going in. Erica went in on Patreon her trip. I was like, I can't do anything. I'm HAPPI you're I'm not happy you're not doing well, but I'm happy you're creating content. You put that shit on Patreon. Girl, I was like, oh wow, she's doing what over there?

Like I'm not even talking to you. You're you're on Patreon. I was.

I was like, oh wow, I had no idea Jucys stuff.

I mean, yeah, I just I had a good trip. Most of the time there was just me and my man. We're just not vibing. We were not getting along consistently enough for me. And I also had some self realizations that about myself, and I realize really how how I can turn off so easily girl, And I feel it happened, like in the middle of the conversation, I'll be like nope, and then it's like and then I can't even help it my smirk. I can't fucking am such a little bitch.

That's crazy what I was proud of you, No, you can't.

And then I was like fuck that, Yeah I can't. There was like a big ass of little person on my shoulder was like that all that shit. And I was going back and forth, back and forth in my head and I don't know, I really was kind of I'm I was proud of myself. Looky, like I know my partner might listen to this and he's probably gonna be really, I don't know, annoyed or mad or hurt, but like I really was proud of myself that I chose myself. And I was just like I have to

I rolled around my room I did.

I was like rolled. My sheets were so white and tight and cold, and it was like steamy, and it was like felt it was drugs. It was drugs, it was, but also it was great. So the little things you take for granted that you realize on Mollie amazing. I went to took myself. I went to dinner, and like the hotel like were so sweet because they knew I was sad because I rolled up in there like with

I just need to be quiet.

Just put me in the quietest place. Please. They're like, okay, they helped me and they put me there. How dramatic it was, please, But yeah, I was. I was not doing well. And then yeah, I went to dinner. They like came out saying happy birthday to me. I was literally the only person in the restaurant by myself, but it was like I was ocean front, so I was chilling, and yeah, it was just great. It was like I

From people, it's very important.

The whole trip was very like group oriented, orientated, you know what I mean, doing this together. Let's go to lunch to let's go to dinner together, let's go to this thing together, let's go to that. And I was like, okay, I love all that, but all these energies are fucking with me. Yeah, And so I just did what my heart told me, and I fucking did that shit. And if you're listening right now and you feel if you're in a situation and you just feel like fuck it,

Just do it.

Because I normally would have talked myself out of that and been like, that's crazy. I have to stay in this. I'll figure it out, and I'll suffocate my way through, you know, because that's what I would be doing, holding my breath the whole time. But overall, Mexico City's fucking amazing, beautiful city, so cheap, crazy cheap food, amazing people, amazing.

I definitely want to move to a Spanish speaking country so I can work on We all know, okay, moi mahlan.

But yeah, I I would definitely highly also recommend go to Mexico City do Molly by yourself, and she right, follow your intuition.

Highly recommends going to a foreign coupan and doing Molly by yourself and following your into good moms indoors.

No, I mean this is those things don't have to happen in the same place, but just all those things should happen at some point in your life.

I'm just saying, Okay, yeah.

I also wanted to get away because of the election, and I was like, I don't really want to be here during this time, and it was really nice. I'm not really I don't watch TV anyway, but not even having a sense of anyone, like nothing was around me with it like that reminded me of it. I almost forgot it was election. Yeah, yeah, mailed in my ballot and was out.

I feel like as I get older and as I grow, my intuition is like louder, like bitch.

That's that's exactly what it is. It was so loud that I couldn't ignore it. Yeah, it was like yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly how she be. And you're like, I didn't hear anything. Oh my god, girl, if you're trying to ignore that, ship that is true, Oh my god. And you know what I've been. I just yeah, I've had a lot of intuition and a lot of epiphanies and just a lot of just like you gotta be thankful for that. You gotta listen and you gotta be thankful because it's like leading you where you don't need to waste your time. Go do what you need to

Yeah, because it's easy to just do what you do, what you've normally done. You know the result because you've been there, and even though you know the result, it's familiar and it's like okay, Like for me, like if I would have sayed like I. We probably would have, actually, I don't know. Also I'm different too, Like I can't

Who wants to do this?

This is fucking awkward for them too, you know. But I did have a really big realization. It was crazy, Like I was the next morning, I was walking up and down the beach and like I was looking out into the water, and I've just been like thinking more and more about you know, We've talked about it before, like feeling like do I have I if Iri if I left this earth right now, like would Iri be good? You know, like could I have something to leave her?

All this shit right Like when you when you have your eye on the goal, like when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, Like none of the tunnel should fuck with you because there's this light and you know it and you see it and it's just like.

It also made me be able to come to a place of like understanding and forgiveness with my partner because I was like, this fight doesn't matter, None of this shit matters. Actually like okay, we have some shit to work on, right, but I'm still like nothing at the end of the day, Like I know that I am. I feel my growth. The fact that I even felt like did that left and did that the fact that like all the things that I just feel like I

It's a girl, the powers are getting stronger. It's true. It's true. It's funny that you say that because, like while you're in Mexico and Halloween, Like, first of all, I broke up with a venture babe, but we've probably have been seeing each other like the whole time with minus like two weeks, and you know, I was really adamant about person in this relationship because I fucked it up, but I really felt like we had this really good thing.

You know.

I'm like, oh okay, it's very direct, you know. But I just started noticing like just little shit, you know, like mentioning he was He told the girl he's talking to to listen to our podcast. She saw me. She's like we're nothing alike, Like, no shit, we're different people, that's right. And I'm like, why are you telling this new bish? She just meant to listen to my podcast. It's so personal. Why does she get have an insight on who the fuck I am? Who is she?

Do?

I do I get to get a diary fucking page.

I would just if a man told me that that I was dating, I'd be like what the fuck? I would be like you should you might as well just go like what are you talking?

It was just so odd, So I'm chilling, you know. Then there's like, you know, just mentioning what his friends had to really say about me, like you know, like they really you know, they were wondering if you know, well they did say you are like this type of person basically, or you like have a lot of sexual energy that needs attention, and like what is the point of you telling me that I thought they liked me? Like I went on a whole trip with that bitch.

No, that's just so. But I'm like, I feel like that's just like elementary, yeah yeah, yeah, like yeah, it shows you how deeply like immature that he is in that way.

And and then it just so anyway, we're hanging out, and in this moment, like about HALLOWEENI ish I had like just written a post just I was talking about like holding on to other people and I wasn't even talking about this situation at all, and I posted it. It was real deep, It was real deep in like in my feelings about releasing people and letting them go. And I just happened to like look over on his phone and I see that the girl keeps calling. Then I say,

What is the conversation you were having.

I think it was like some sec shit. I don't even know what we're talking about. What we were talking with, some real open sexual sex shit. The phone turns back over and she's like, oh, you're with your ex. I can tell by her it's her. It sounds like your ex. I'm like, that's what the fuck you get. We're telling this this woman to listen to my motherfucking podcast, who didn't have any reason. And I'm like, and that's what

Just the attention, girl, Clearly he needs the attention.

That's what it was. It is, And you know, it just started to see me, like started me seeing him for who he he like who he is right now.

You're gonna be a nice guy and still want unhealthy attention.

And I get it, everybody wants to unhealth attention, but like to what cause? At what expense? So it's unhealthy. It was just it was just and I was like, I said, I can't imagine what you're saying about me to this girl. I said, if this girl knows all like I can, if I know this girl's business, I can only imagine what you're saying about me. And I was like, and that's that's not.

Cool, that's true, that's really true.

I was like, it's just like I was just like, I just don't want guys who do that, because if you like her, just say you like her and you're pursuing that, just be real about it. You went through my shit. I was like, yeah, I fucked this person. I fuck that person. What do you want to do about it? It wasn't like, you know what I mean, pretending, And it just started just festered, and I started to like piss me off. And then girl, how about moments later, I just like touched the phone and it stops at

And then even he's still trying to hold onto some something.

But that's what I'm like. I'm just like, why are you doing this with me? I don't really give a fuck, but like I don't really need this, you know what I'm saying, Like I just and then lying, he said she invited herself. I said, nia this conversation, don't look like bitch that invited herself. She invited herself.

Myself, not to your house.

I was just like, and I asked him, are you going with someone to the ship? Because I keep in mind, we've been broken up like seven weeks and seen each

Way, but maybe like you had to do that one last time and do that relationship so a you could see the type of people that you you still need to. There's there's wolves in Sheep's clothing, you know what I mean. And I don't mean like he's a wolf. I just mean like like what you normally attract.

And I love him, you know, I think he's a good person.

You know, I'm just saying that. What I really want to say is that like what you normally attract like can be disguised in certain ways. I'm not saying that he is your baby daddy or those things, but there's qualities about him that are manipulative and that's something that you are used to doing and loving, you know, and so, but he's also treated you not great you so like that can be really fucking.

Confusing, right right, So, like am I supposed to deal with this?

You were supposed to cheat? I think you're to cheat. I'm here to say it was so glad you cheated, So fucking glad you cheated, Jamila, thank.

You revealing the truth. That's that's the best friend share. It's perfect. It's you know, it's for the best that you cheated.

This. I mean, I support your cheating. It's circle.

I feel like it did comfortull Cir.

I really feel that way. I'm not like, I'm not just saying that. I think it's come full circle and it.

Just really like it did. Let me know, like there are got really first of all, can come in all different shape sizes, and like you have to have you have to know what what you're not going to deal with immediately, whether you're fucked up, whether you're like whatever it is. It's like, either what's the point of keeping relationships that are just like not good for you, you know what I mean? And you just have to like cheat, chose yourself. Choose yourself, even when it feels like you

I was like, girl, look, I'm gonna give you one more sign.

I don't know how many need because at this point it had been like four hundred. It was like so many, so much shit. I was just like, how am I stupid? Am? I? I thought I was smart? But these actions are saying something else. Maybe I'll tell them Patreon, like just how stupid I was being. I'm too embarrassed to say it here. It's too bad. I told Erica later and I was like, I didn't want to tell you, but You're.

Like, this happened like forty five days ago, but listen, listen.

To what I did. Yeah, but I am happy to say this is the adventure Bays retired after this episode. There will be no mention of the Adventure Bay. We're going to steal the.

Files, get the get the glue gun.

Not the glue gun. That's the Mom's ship I ever heard get get the ziplocks and the glue. We're a freezing bagging this ship.

Get the stick g low elmersh my god, that's not secure. I wanted to cement that ship.

But you know, all that to say is I was just going through and I just realized a lot of it like I was just torturing myself and adding shit that I didn't need to add, and I'm just such in a clear space, so much happier, you know what I mean? Like that hurt, then I just kind I almost feel happier for him too, Like I think you

Sometimes you have to do the letting go. I think the other person won't. They're not capable of it, and that's when it's hardest. That's the hardest shit ever, you know, But like for them, for them sometimes too, because it's for their own their best interest.

It's usually me too. Yeah.

So well, here's two new houses, new Beginnings and sealing.

The files ceiling files.

And also highly recommend doing molly alone foreign country. One of the other things I said, I don't remember.

Rolling around in some cold sheets.

No, health is really important to take care of yourself. I don't know. I'm not endorsing drugs. Do what you do, what you must. Whatever makes you feel like rolling around on cold sheets, do that.

Do that for me. It's molly For me specifically, I enjoy rolling around cold sheets on molly. Maybe mushrooms mostly.

Haven't been wanting to do mushrooms lately, like I need to take a break from from that. That's that planted for a moment I had. It did what it did. It did what it needed to do for me, which is like cure my anxiety, because I don't really haven't. I really haven't felt a lot of anxiety. Have I like felt like irritated, annoyed, anxious in some way, but like not like before, not like March COVID, July COVID.

Oh, no, March COVID was like April COVID was like a mushroom month.

There was no way I was making it without them.

It really was. I have some mushrooms in my purse.

Oh you know what? We had this like last minute little mini meetup situation the other day.

Oh yeah, we oh yeah, we did.

Yeah, And it was with this afrobeats table party.

It was called a brunch.

It started We got there at nine o'clock. Okay, it was started at nine pm brunch, which I'm gonna have to talk to Joe or Joel or whatever his name is, Joe Jim, who's the guy?

It tal him?

He needs to rename his party because it's not a brunch.

Not Joel. Joe said that Joe's party.

Who the fuck is the guy's name is party? It is done, don't okay?

And it was a three letter word Joe John. Those party where we got named John Joe. You met at Joe that night too, did I?

Okay, that's maybe that's why we got to hang out with Blumplow and Mama shout out to Sanitria.

Denise came up with her man. Yeah, one of our listeners came up. I was saying, they drove down. They didn't come up, they drove down. They came to kick it. Yeah, they smoked with us, We took shots.

She gave me a huge bottle of champagne. I don't know, I'm gonna have to save this for like a real brunch, a real serious brunch. Now, I need to have a brunch just for this champagne.

You should have. You should have a pot luck brunch.

Paula brunch. Okay, this weekend, I'm gonna town. Oh that's right, Jamila, Jimmila, Jimmy.

Yeah. So maybe next week maybe, yeah, okay, yeah.

I was not feeling that great this week, but you know what, she so I restarted feeling a little like under the weather. And I got really nervous because I was like, anytime you know your kid gets sick, you automatically think like COVID.

Even you, I'm like, my fa hurts.

Oh no, but I did get COVID, So I got we, I got COVID tested. We all got COVID tested, and we came back from Mexico and so I got she wasn't feeling well anyway, So I got her COVID tested and I'm happy to confirm our status is negative. Oh my god. I had to send it to my therapist because my therapist.

Won't see you until you Yeah, she was gonna do it.

She was gonna be virtual. And it's like, I don't really feel comfortable. You've been traveling. I was like, here's my COVID test. Okay, witch relax, but yeah, she was negative. But I've been using these drops by a Joyspring.

If you heard Joyspring Vitamins, I love joy Spring.

Yeah they're really good. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of joy Spring, but they have so many like different vitamins on their website. They're all natural, they're all organic, and they fucking work. So I was using vitamin C plus zinc and elderberry blend because I'm a witch doctor and so I like to blend my medicines, even medicines. This is just like an herbal formula.

I like to like boost like Luna's immune system. That way, if I feel here getting a little sniffle, a little just a little cough that I start upping them. I do it every day, but then I start upping them a little bit if she's feeling sick. And for the most part, she's pretty healthy. She doesn't really get sick.

So I know, no, this this vitamin C right here though, this is this right here is the best. So if you guys want to check out Joyspring, make sure you go to Joyspring Vitamins dot com. And use Good Moms for twenty percent.

Off the whole product line, and I have like a bunch of really good stuff, so check it.

Out for adults too. So yeah, I know she's feeling better now, so but maybe next weekend because I was feeling such mom guilt when I was gone, like she she missed me so much. She was literally counting down the days, like every time I called her, four more days, three more days, two more days.

Oh my god.

And then towards the end, because you know, I had to go take my own mini vacation, I was like, I did want to leave. I was like, maybe I'll just extend my trip one more day, just one more day, and then she called me. I was like, Okay, never mind. I don't know, it's not happening. But yeah, I was feeling I don't know, as she gets older, like I feel like my guilt is worse because she's more aware.

I know I feel the same way too, But I've also been feeling like I would need to go on a trip alone and feeling guilty about having the thoughts about going on a trip alone. But like and also I'll be getting into trouble alone me unsupervised, who knows I'll end up in another entry three new best friends, you know, at an aquarium. Who knows the weirdest shit happened to me. But I've been really feeling like I want to go out of town alone. But I also feel like I should take her somewhere.

But I mean, my next trip is definitely gonna have to include her. She's not having that ship. She's not gonna take that from me, I think because her dad has gone too, and he's been gone for about a month now. So I just I just felt like bad, But Mama got I have a life too.

Mama do have a gut, and that's why.

Mama got to take a vacation on a vacation if she ain't enjoying her vacation. Yeah, yeah, dude, you gotta do girl, follow that intuition.

I was proud. I was like, I wanna be like Erica when I grow up. Yeah, And honestly, I was like, yeah, I gotta get the fuck out of here. When I you had left the vacation, and plus I was under taking some bullshit, I was like, what am I doing over here? I'm the ship. I gotta get my ship up. I gotta go.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, well we gotta go buy plants.

Yeah, we're gonna go buy some plants and be very domesticated today. What's your what's your style going to be of your apartment? Are you gonna like do you have like Pinterest board?

I need to look at some ore Pinterest board. I'm just going for like bare minimum plant boho vibes, just minimal boho vibes, some splashes of color. I'm thinking about maybe some like mustard yellows.

I don't know.

I'm getting a pole for sure. I got this really dope shower curtain.

I saw that with.

Two indigenous lesbians, tribal lesbians, is making us beautiful. I love it. I've gotten it from art addict online on Instagram, and I've been waiting to put it out for three months.

Oh you've had it for a while.

I've had it for a while. Okay, get I need to get my pole. That's next, because I already got the shoes. Oh okay, and then I'm going to start my career as a professional poll dancer. Coming to you soon at an Instagram near you.

You want miss right away? I can do a collab.

We should do a collab. Yes, I love this right away, and I just looked back at our dms. I bestly literally DM turn like twenty sixteen, like, hey girl, do you want to meet me a priman? What total creep? Hey do you want to meet me and go take the girls on a hike? This is like hance their desperation. Yeah, because this is a mom.

That's perfect example. I'm desperate. We were for mom and friends.

Yeah.

Did she respond?

I don't think she's a damn damn Ashley. She's like, why should we might just say something else? I was like, I don't know. I was ashamed. I am. I'm excited to just be in my own space doing spins. I'm a strip a pole in the full mirror, minimal shit in it. I gotta go throw some shit out. But yeah, I'm excited.

Yeah, it's gonna be great. Set the vibe, make a little altar or something or I don't know. Lots of plants, oxygen, oxygen, right, there's.

A lot of little sunlight, so amazing.

Well, if you need help painting or doing any of those things, you know, I love it. Okay, I don't do it, and uh you guys, we are going to go now.

Because I've told all of our business.

Told our business I'm high and in fact, I'm going to hit this one more time.

I don't know that this is over. I can completely get into stupid and buy plants. If you guys haven't already, please support us. Subscribe to Patreon. There's a lot of cool shit on there, a lot of sexy shit, a lot of very deep intimate shits that we don't say on here, all of our real business.

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