Forgiveness 101

Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Mila.

Hi, it's Wednesday, motherfuckers. Oh, I thought you were gonna like do some like really smooth transition. That heard David earlier? What was it? I forgot what it was. It wasn't it's ones say, motherfucker Phil. It was more like welcome to Wednesday. No, no, no, it was not almost spicy than that. What was it, David? I remember? That's why I Nope.

Everybody on our team must write everything down at the very second. Nobody remembers shit. Everybody over here is smoking pot. Nobody remembers anything.

Literally, we don't write shit down within ten seconds.

It's gone for not smoking pot. It's not like my grandpa smoking pot over here. If you want to be on the Good Mom's team, you gotta smoke that pot. I smoke that pot. Good stuff. Are you four twenty friendly?

No, I'm sorry. Unfortunately, we're not gonna be able to.

Then we might need at least one person on the team that doesn't smoke that pot.

I know, fuck does so let's smoke that pot. No, okay, well there, I know we got a hangover. Perfect Well, welcome to the first week of December. You guys, we've made it. Can you believe it's the fucking end of the year? He low, It has flown.

By, It literally has, like I blanked in, bitch, is December again?

It's crazy. I'm I mean, I'm actually happy. I think I'm ready for twenty twenty two. This year has been challenging. It's been filled with ups and downs, lots of ups, lots of good ups, lots of down downs.

But you know, such as life. This is true, such just life. But I am really excited.

About twenty twenty two two because twenty twenty two has like a significance. The numbers mean like hand I posted about this, let me go.

Look check my notes.

Twenty two is a master number in numerology.

It's considered to be the most powerful number out of the rest, and thus also just sign out.

My birthday is the twenty second anyway.

And this master number twenty two is also called master builder or the master architect. It holds so much power that it can turn big dreams into reality if worked upon in a very sincere way. It's no coincidence or okay, sorry that was my that was my caption. I was throw a good vibe tree. If you're not following it, I'm dropping gems over there. Okay, at the good vibe for tree you.

Have taken over.

I'm so happy that whole account Mela, Mela's art Meala's artwork.

I posted something, she fucking deleted it. I post.

She was like, that is the eliest picture ever. Stopped running my fucking account.

I was like, picture of fruit we had like. I was like, we have better pictures of fruit?

Why the fuck?

And then I posted the one the next day she was like, this is your better picture. I'm like, yeah, actually it's much more art day. I put a grain on it. This is the type of shit we talk about anyway.

Twenty twenty two is the mother fucking year.

I feel it. I'm good.

I do.

I feel like we'ren and May.

Fucking May text us yesterday, which even adds to the alignment. It just so happens, you guys that our two hundredth episode will air on February twenty second, twenty twenty two.

Crazy, How on the fuck?

Because we're witches, bitches, that's why witches, which is which is with episode two hundred on two twenty to two. I will be in Costa Rica coicking up some more shit with some other witchy friends. And if you're not there, you're missing out for real, for real, real. Somebody messaged me, They're like, my coins are fucked up, but if I going on the trip, then like I'm really gonna be broken.

I get back.

I said, you come on the trip to manifest more.

Money, right And also if you didn't know, you can have people put money on your trip. So through we Travel, which is our booking site, you can put down the deposit. And then for Christmas, ask all your hoes, all your parents, all your baby daddies that feel bad because they're trash to put money on your books. That's your books. But you know, put the money on the books. It's definitely not ja.

I mean every little count. If you can get six hundred dollars, that's the biggest discount. That's true.

If you have ten friends and they each give you like one hundred dollars.

Your trip is paid for almost that's not half paid for it. But if you have twenty friends, you're in there.

We thought of you, We thought the contribution from your hose when we picked this particular side.

Thank you.

We Travel Yeah, go to the link in our bio and book that trip and send it to all your hoes immediately asap. Promto yep, but on a more serious note, lighter serious, slash medium note. The theme for December is Deeper December.

Deeper December. We're getting deeper because we like it deep. We're deep bitches.

We can take it deep, deeply emotional, deeply deep, deeply wild and crazy, deeply sexy and just deep.

And we like dig deep. I'd like to dig deep, and we like dig deep.

The kind of girl like you will, you know, like a deep girl deep dick dee deep thoughts.

Well, that's welcome to December.

We really thought, we really thought all that through that we made the deep of desomber like perfect.

There's two meanings.

Yeah, so this month, all month, we're gonna be digging deep in all different types of ways, penetrating that soul.

Can you shut the fuck up.

Like that?

You want to.

Penetrate that soul?

I kill back the layers, penetrate that soul. That might be my new tagline.

Well, I think really too, Like we're entering into twenty twenty two, Like you said, let's like get deep and let that shit go, Let's let it go. Let's go into twenty twenty two feeling rejuvenated, refreshed.

Ready, you know, yeah, if you haven't, if you just are joining us on this journey, one thing you'll know and you'll learn really soon is all we talk about is healing and growing and letting shit go, because we've come to the conclusion that that's the purpose of life.

Yep.

And you have to constantly remind yourself because if you've also joining us on this journey, we've had a really hard time.

Doing all those things.

It's taken us well, we're still doing it, so same shit. That's yeah, it's you know, the thing about digging deep, it's a slow process.

It's a journey, and.

It's never fucking over, which seems really overwhelming, But you're going to get a little bit further each time. And I don't know, I feel like, even if you're not in your thirties or in your mid thirties or middle to the beginning, I want to be the mid thirties.

Absolutely, you know.

I'm trying to look up this quote that my girl Melanie, So Melanie Fiona. If you don't follow her, you should, because she was actually a guest on our show. I think it was like two years ago. Wow, it's crazy. She's just fucking amazing and she's always dropping gems. And I was looking at her Instagram the other day and she put this quote up and it said, remember the longer you carry something, the heavier it gets.

I saw that too, and I was like, stop fucking talking to me like that bitch.

Over there pregnant, just talking shit to me, just fucking mother naturing and shit. I know, No, she's so bright, and I was like, damn, it's so true. It does get heavier and heavier, even though we think it doesn't matter anymore, it's not affecting us. It rears its ugly head and even heavier way than even you expected.

So let it go, slowly, start letting the shit.

We welcome you and encourage you this month to just take a moment to go inward and reflect six self, dissect, be gentle with yourself. Obviously we always encourage gentle healing, but just be honest about the people you've tracted, the relationships you've kept, and what you've maybe done to contribute to them. And even like the destruction of yourself, what have you done to contribute to that?

So yes, welcome, Welcome to the time. We are going to the first level of ourselves, Level one. Would you like to pull the card my love?

Of course I would, Erica pre shuffled, because we all know I'm not good at that, but I am good at reading bitty Tara.

Today's card is the Sun. I love this deggy thoughts, you know, hazards things.

The sun, positivity, fun, warmth, success, vitility. The sun tarot card radiates with optimism and positivity. A large, bright sunshines in the sky, representing the source of all life on Earth. Underneath, four sunflowers grow tall above a brick wall, representing the four suits of the minor Arcana and the four elements. This tun represents success, radiance, and abundance. The sun gives you strength and tells you no matter where you go or what you do, your positive and radiant energy will

Into other people's lives.

This beautiful warm energy is what will get you through tough times and help you succeed. You're also in a position where you can share your highest qualities and achievements with others, radiate who you are and what you stand for. Shine your love on those you care about. If you're going through a difficult time, the sun brings you the message you have been waiting for that things will get better. Along your path, you discovered who you are and why

It always does. Life is good.

The sun connects you to your power base, not fear driven equal time physical power, but the abundant inner energy radiating through you. Right now, you sense in your solar plexus chakra calling you to express yourself authentically and be fully present in the world around you. You have what others want and are being asked to radiate your energy and your gifts out into the world in a big way. Tap into your power and use your divine will to express that power in positive ways.

Hmmm, I like that, beautiful.

I usually don't even read the whole thing, but that felt very on point, so I had to kind of read most.

Of that because I think that speaks to it as a darling very much.

So we encourage to express your power in positive ways, be authentic and fully present in the world.

Yes, amen, do you have an affirmation?

I stand in my power and I take up space unapologetically.

I stand in my power and I take up space unapologetic. Shall do? We shall do? Yep? How are you? I'm good? Yeah? Yeah, I'm good. I am beautiful. Thanks Monytail's popping. Thanks. We went viral last month, so I figured i'd bring the heat. Honestly, I think that works so much. I know, I hate it.

I love saying it, but I hate it so much. I love saying it.

I'm like, so yeah, I just went viral last week.

I've only been waiting four years to say it, so it just feels like I don't care who it's late I'm saying it. Oh my god, I only could call my like podcast friends and say that or I was myself fucking ridiculous. I couldn't wait to call Orlando, like, yes, I'm pretty sure we went viral. This podcast asked was like, how many how many news.

I'm like, well, in the twenty four hour period, let me let me check the number.

You only go viral twenty four hours divided by one hundred and thirty five views.

Yep, viral verified viral. We're good? Do you look beautiful too? How are you? I'm good. I feel energized.

I was sick last week, which was not great, but I think I needed to just kind of just sit my ass down and be at home.

So that was good.

I'm feeling healthy. I'm feeling rejuvenated. That's the word of the day for me and Irine. I taught her the word rejuvenate because we were this brand hit me up and she was like reading the email and like refused to let me close the email and was reading.

It and just like and I was like rejuvenate.

And then we went in the bathroom and her hair because she's been in her dad's but the last four days and I've been stressing out trying to get someone over there to braid it because I was like, oh my god, when she comes back, it's gonna be fucking crazy.

Was it crazy? Yes?

It was literally a hard afro in the bathroom, like solid brillo awkward. I couldn't even put like a finger in it, like it was hard and flat. And so we got in a shower and we put water on it and it came back to life.

It was like a chia pet. Like now I understand why people call me a chiipet all my life. I love water on a curly hair. It's like a chia pet.

I'm like, shok the fuck up. And then I put that water on my daughter's head and I was like, God, damn right, she's a tea pet. And it did come back to life, and I was like, baby, this is rejuvenation, mom that I redd your hair. Say it with me, say it again, rejuvenation. So we rejuvenated her hair. A rejuvenated mine curls as popin some day.

Yes, yeah, a baby like a lion A. No, Sylvia did say I had a lot of LEO in my chart. Oh she did. She did.

So this is me lyon assing. But yeah, I've been good. I've been good. I've been.

Just focused on not beating myself up a lot as much as usual, because I have a lot of negative in her self talk that I'm working through that I didn't realize I do.

I mean, I know, but like it's so it's been happening for so long that it's almost like a whisper that I barely hear it, but it's like it's all day long.

Like you're they're talking about you behind me. Oh my god, that podcast has so anywhere listens in yours. Why you're rich? They're rich? Why why just live with the penhouse? Why do you live?

And I'm like and then suddenly I'm having a panic attack, and I'm like, where does this panic attack come from? No idea, I just came out of the blue and everything's fine. So yeah, I've been like really trying to actually elevate that voice more so that I can hear it more often and then shut that bitch down. So and having I've been talking to myself out loud a lot, which is good. I mean, obviously, if you see me on the street, I look a little psycho. I was.

Okay, so if you see Eric Fail on the street talking to her, so don't be alarmed. Yeah, I.

So I had this reading. Me and Mila have obviously, you guys know, we've had a lot of readings. We've shared them on the podcast. But over the last few months it's been kind of like there's been a lot of I think people coming to us to do that. But I think obviously everything for us is very much intentional, even if you don't realize it at the time.

And my good friend.

Connected me to this intuitive channeler and she gave me a reading, and it was so crazy because I'm a skeptic. I don't know if any when anyone else listens, Like, I'm definitely a spiritual person and like I believe in like higher powers. I believe in spirits for sure, but sometimes I'd be like, Nitch, did I really excite I shared?

And I was like, I don't.

I don't feel away if everything's fine. She was like, what happened on your sixteenth birthday?

And I was like, what she told me?

And so they did happen on my sixteenth birthday. My dad really deeply, deeply disappointed me because he was kind of not a great not kind of he was not a great dad most of my life. And then around like when I was around fifteen, he started kind of showing up for me and wanting to be in my life, and then like taking me to car dealerships to go like check out cars because my sixteenth birthday was coming up and I was going to get a car and he was going to buy.

It for me.

That is literally like what he was portraying. Why else would you take your daughter to car dealerships? And just backstory, if you guys haven't listened to the episode with me and my dad that we did at a long time ago, or you haven't heard me talk about my relationship with him. My dad wasn't really in my life until I was around like four years old, and he was in and out of my life throughout that time and just would say he was going to show up, wouldn't show up.

Like I kind of just shoved that down.

And when I associated my sixteenth birthday associated with that party that she threw me, I don't really associate it with that moment.

You surprised that I did. I did. I didn't associate it with that age. I don't know. I knew it happened, but I wasn't sure when, you know.

And so when she said that, I was like, oh, yeah, that's interesting that you would know that. And I was told her, I was like, you know, I don't really feel like I have a lot of like anger around it anymore.

And she's like, you should really explore that, and I was like okay.

So I called my dad and she had also said that like this man came up on her sof on my dad's side, that is like her like an intuitive and do I know who this person is? And I said no, because me and my dad we don't really talked about that kind of shit. Called my dad and he was like, Oh, I know exactly who she's talking about. I had a guide, a healing guide throughout my career and my dad played football, and I was like, what

And he was like, yeah, that's for sure him.

I'll tell you about that later, and she said and I mentioned my sixteenth birthday and he was like, yeah, I fucked that up.

And I was like yeah, he's like, you know, I'm really sorry. There's no excuse.

You know, me and your mom got into an argument that day and I took it out on you, and I just I couldn't get out of my way to like get over it and just do what I knew was the right thing to do, and I just didn't. And the fact that you didn't want to talk to me, I didn't know how to deal with it. So I just let it happen. And like we really like he'd never reached out to me, like didn't even try to make it better.

Did you tell him, don't don't talk, don't reach out? I did, but like I'm I did.

So having that conversation was like I feel like really like being the start of kind of healing that. And so when I went home that week, for some reason, I was like how I don't know. I was like I my dad, like I told him. Even on that conversation, I was like, Dad, I forgive you, like you're a good dad like and it was really emotional the conversation that we had.

We talked about a lot of other things.

But when I went home in the morning, I woke up and I was like, I want to go for a walk, and so I started walking and then I just was like, I feel like I didn't talk and I was like, I'm gonna talk to my dad like, but not to my dad, just like out loud. And so I just started walking and like saying like, Dad, I forgive you, Dad.

I forgive you for not showing up for me. Dad. I forgive you for not showing up for me on my sixteenth birthday. Dad, I forgive you for.

Not being like there for me when like the first boy broke my heart. I forgive you for not consoling me when like just everything that I could think of, and I just was fucked. By the time I hit the corner, bitch, I was a fucking hysterically crying and I was like, oh my God, like I.

Have not forgiven this man.

And I've been doing that almost every day, if not on walks then just while I'm washing dishes, just talking to him, because.

Yes, I could say these things to him, and I have said.

Some of these things to him, but it would be the excessiveness in which I need have to say it to get it out.

He would think I'm absolutely crazy, like bitch.

Okay, I guess, but I will say like that, I don't know where the inspiration came to, like you this tool, but it has been like deeply healing for me, and I really feel like, wow, I really am forgiving him And yeah, so that's been like really cool lately.

That's amazing.

Yeah, I think that you can agree that one of the things I've learned just through podcasting, which neither one of us were expecting, were like the power to say things out loud, the power.

To just say it out loud, even to.

Nobody you know, or to somebody, or just in general, just like the working of getting out because like words are spells, and even our thoughts are spells, but we are so like there's happening so like so quickly, and on a subconscious level, we're not as aware of them. But when we put attention into the things that we're saying and actually getting them out and releasing them.

I think it makes such a difference. So it does. And like on that walk, every time.

I hit that corner, because there's a specific corner that the first time I broke down, I still break down there. And I'm like, when I know that I've like hit the next level when I can turn that corner, I'm not crying yet for.

Real, Like so I'm like, that's your measurement. Yeah, a corner. It is like a home run. So it's been good.

And I think like I've realized that, like I have a lot of forgiving to do for the men, some of the men in my life. And I realized that how how I've treated some of the men in my life because of my relationship with my dad, and I've shared that with you like that, I feel like sometimes I can treat men as very like disposable to me, like if you don't add up to what I'm looking for, then like anyway whatever, or like I can be dismissive and I don't even I don't even mean to be.

It's just like subconsciously I do it. And specifically with.

This one person that I was talking to over FaceTime for like a few months, he went to New York, and he came and met up with us, and the way I handled the situation, like I didn't think, granted, this person is not my person, right, but like I did not like the way I handled that situation, and it like deeply affected me. And he has not contacted it even after like I tried to like say sorry, and like he.

He did it, and I was like damn, like okay, that was my lesson.

I mean, we meet all different types of people on our journeys for all different types of reasons, and you just have to be clear enough and open enough to like understand that like every little thing, every little person, every little small relationship, there's probably lesson in how like with yourself, if you're willing to examine yourself, which I thought you'd refine.

I don't care what we could.

I love you, but I think there are little lessons, you know, along the way that we have to be able to like observe and like look at ourselves. And did I deal with that properly? And also I did and let it go and be fine with that too. And even if you know you didn't let it, accept it, like acknowledge it and also let that shit go too, because I hold on to shit, Like damn I did that.

Oh God, that's so terrible. Why I do that?

I feel so bad And I'm like, bitch, why do you still care?

You know, like that that those type of things too.

It's so interesting Like listening to you, even when you were first telling me of experience with that that healer, I started to think about my childhood and like my sixteenth birthday, just because you said it, you know, and I was like, I can't remember. I literally can't remember. There's so many things I can't remember. Like I just remember. I mean, I remember some things here and there, but like it would take me a really lot of focus

Some pressure on me. I did not know you did it.

You just like said, Actually it was after one of my walks around the block and I was like, I need to I need to push I need to just do a little gentle, little nudge to my.

Friend because I know that you're like on the edge of like might you do this shit or I'm not going to do this shit. And I was like, let me just like remind her.

Maybe she forgot, let me just remind her that she's available to Yeah.

So she reminded me. I made the appointment. I went, and you know like those first two sessions or four whatever, that those intro sessions to a fucking new therapist are literally like a.

Date from tender, like this is my name.

But I'm like so eager to just get down to the ship. I'm like, let me tell you, let me tell what happened, let me have it. I remember, this is childishit this and I remember I was just telling her like I am, and I think we both are, and I've probably said before I am so I'd like to say I'm pretty self aware and I'm pretty rational.

So a lot of.

Times I'm like, yeah, this happened. I'm good though, you know, but I'm so programmed to be like I'm good though. I'm good, Like I'm almost like if something seems too much to deal with, I can seriously just bypass it with positivity or you know, like brush over it because life goes on. And I'm just afraid that maybe there are things that are super deeply hidden down inside of me that I haven't dealt with, and so like I'm

What about this is making me feel sad?

Like?

What does this remind me of? What are these feelings similar to? Is there's something in my childhood that feels similar to this? And in my mind, I went through an exercise that I've never done before, and I don't know what prompted me to do it. And I started to like I found myself in my childhood home, like the one of the first houses.

We lived in.

I had to be like six or seven, you know, like really young, and I like went through the house and I found myself in the house as a child, and I was just like I saw myself looking at my childhood self, like feeling these similar feelings, and like spoke to that person and.

Was just like, you know, it's okay.

You know, people just like saying comforting things to that person. And I was like, wow, that's interesting. And I mentioned it to Salome in quose to because she's like, wow, that's an exercise that we like, you know what I mean, like healers use for childhood trauma healing. And it's just crazy, like intuitively we have the ability to heal ourselves, but something seemed so strange or so crazy or so dumb that we ignore those urges to like kind of do that.

Fucking just talking to us.

I'm like, wow, I might have to like look at this, but just also taking the steps to forgive and do the things that are uncomfortable and pick up the phone and say the things. And like, I also think getting high helps, Like I dropped that Lincoln or my family chats like my grandma, my uncle, my aunt because I was high.

I was like, fuck it, listen to this, y'all. But I do.

I'm excited about doing the work.

I realized that I'm really good at running from it because I think I was probably in a similar space last year and probably a little bit before that. I went to therapy with like a hypnotherapist, and I was like committed to doing it, but like things happen, Shit happens, You meet niggas, you know stuff is going on, you feel like you're good, and then you ignore it. But like then six months, ten months twelve months later, you're still.

And you're still there. It's true. I mean in therapy is expensive. H yeah, you know it can be expensive.

And but you know because I know you mentioned that to me too, and I was like, girl, I know.

But also think about, like how much you.

Spend on some other dumb shit in one day that didn't help you do shit except make you look cute or feed your stomach, which we all know you love. Very important, but it's worth the investment, even for the most I think.

I think that people who are even the most self aware need therapy the most.

I realize because we think we are so self aware and we are, but like, okay, you've been all this self aware bitch, and you still change shit. You can be overly rational, well, you will rationalize yourself out of your feelings.

Yeah, you will rationalize yourself out of feeling shit because you're like okay, yeah, I know that happened. I'm okay, look at me, I'm standing, I'm functioning. I want to be better than just standing and functioning.

I know I was killing the therapist.

I was just like, yeah, I was Muslim and I was like five by like a four by an older boy.

But like I feel fine about it.

She's just like, you seem fine. I'm like, hey, I am. I don't think like affected me.

I'm like, it happened, I'm fine, But I'm like even hearing myself talk like that so crazy, like bitch who talks like this that I'm like letting her know that it's cool. But I think maybe there's something more I need to dig in because that's not what it is,

Because there's always something bigger.

There's always someone going through something more painful than you or this, or and I think that's too, like how rational people like I guess desensitize themselves and feelings. It's like, well, it could be worse. I have that person's whole family died in a car accident in mind's life.

I have a roof over my head, I have food tonight, I'm healthy, I'm cool. Yeah, that's a little bit how I rationalize everything like there's much.

And yes, and you should have gratitude in that, and absolutely like you should absolutely have gratitude in that. And there are people that are like having way harder existences right now than you, for sure and then me, But that gives so little power to yourself and acknowledging like the healing that has to happen, because it's just like you're immediately like ignoring it. You're immediately like so I begin it could be worse, could be worse, could be worse, could be worse, could be worse.

Of course it could be worse. But like, how are you feeling right now? How is that affecting you? How is that doing out your spirit? Like where is it like just being put away somewhere? Like that's the thing with like our bodies and our spirits. It's like there's no it's literally sweeping it under carpet. It's not sweeping it out, You're sweeping it deep down somewhere that has is storing a bunch of heart and trauma and sadness and anger and resentment. And that's that also triggered me.

But so I appreciate your tools.

If you see me walking around talking to myself and crying, I got it from Eric.

I encourage everyone to do it. I mean, I'm no therapist or anything, but I feel like, especially you know, you saying that. You know, we've talked about how podcasting has been so healing and helped us manifest. It's helped us do so many things because we're saying things out loud every day, and it's like we need to just say things out loud, not just on the mic, but like when I'm trying to heal something or like when I'm trying to talk good to myself.

I posted something on Patreon.

The other day because I struggle with anxiety and because of my negative self talk, and I was like I did all I like pulled out all my tricks, like all my all my tricks that I pulled out whenever I feel that way, like Okay, let me take some CBD. Okay, nope, nope, nope's not working on. Let me do a dance party. Okay, nope, still feel fucking crazy. Okay, let me take a bath. Oh, let me masturbate. Like I literally did every fucking thing I could do, and I was like, why is this not working?

And so finally I just like.

Laid on my bed and I was like, what is it?

What is it that I feel like has to get done? I feel like something needs me, something needs me.

And it's like, you know, as parents and as mothers, we are constantly needed.

You know, mommy, I want this, Mommy, I let that, Mommy, can I do this? Y? You do that? School?

Hey you didn't do this, you didn't do that? We need this, squark, you need that? Hey do the deadline? Your parents?

Hey, you're not gonna come to Are you gonna come? Are you gonna bring the kids. It's like everything is like something needs me, something needs to get done.

So when things don't really need you, you still feel.

You're like you're running on this like wheel of like something needs me, something needs me.

It's like hard to not do shit, even like work. Like I'm like, oh my god, we got a post.

I'm like, bitch, no one's waiting for the post because I don't even know the post exists, Like no one's waiting for the fucking post.

And I'm like, oh my god. So I'm sitting on the bed and I'm like, nobody needs you, nobody fucking needs you right now.

And like out of contacts, that can sound really fucked up, like nobody needs you, bitch, but like it really like I was like I just kept saying it over right over again, like nobody needs you.

No one needs you, Erica except you. You need you, bitch, you need you. To calm the fuck down.

I tell myself, everything's okay, everything's fine, it's okay not to think about it's okay that you haven't done that. It's okay not to think about anything. Actually sit down and don't think about shit. Breathe for sure.

I mean I think that for me, those words though, like really helped me because those I think those are the words.

I couldn't find the words.

To put into the feeling that I was feeling, and I realized it was the need somebody needs me. And when I said no one needed me over and over and over again, I literally felt my body like.

Loosen and like decompressed, and I was like, oh my god. And then I went I was like, okay, how'd we get a massage?

And I did that and that massage is kind of whack, but yeah, that's besides the point.

But it really really helped me.

And I think, like, not only that is like what I also helped too to for me is like I started to record myself talking good to myself and listening back to it, because talking, like a lot of inner self positive talk happens in our head and that's great and that's wonderful and if that were for you, woahoo. For me, I realize I really need to hear myself talk good to myself. Like people say things to me all the time, but are nice, You're so beautiful, you're so smart.

I look at these things you're doing. That's great, but like, what about how I feel about me? And do you believe it? Like everyone can tell you how great you are? But if you don't believe it, yeah, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, And it's like it's all like even talking about it, it feels like a little bit it's vain and self surveying, but like it's helps. It helps, like to hear yourself talk good to yourself, not just in your head, like take out your phone, hit that fucking record button and say some nice shit to yourself.

I know, because I'll do it, like to counteract anxiety in my head on my own.

But it's true, like to say it out loud, it does.

Seem absurd and like fain, even when I'm talking to other people and I say like good things about like things I'm proud of about myself, Oh my God, share

I was also high and alone and like it just like I was.

Just like wow, I the shifting of asking for something, giving out the energy or putting it out and just like putting it back into myself, like turning that same energy and that same like love of unconditional love and like awe and to myself. That like starts to make me feel aligned with being an extension of spirit.

You know, Oh absolutely, I think that it's really important. Would you be open to sharing how you would talk positive to yourself? You're so annoying, I'll go it too.

Okay, Wow, Jamila, you're so amazing and intelligent.

You have such positive energy. You shed so much light on other people.

And you are a good friend and a good mom and a great listener. You think about people, you think about how they're doing. You're a great cook, and you're a great decorator. And I like the way you dance.

Work on that a little more, but that, Yeah, it's me on the spot.

Yeah, it's a good start. It's good start, Erica. You get up every single day and you try your best. Even if you don't finish everything. Who the fuck cares because you got up and you did it. Your daughter loves you and everyone tells you how amazing she is, and that is a direct reflection of you. You are beautiful inside and out. Your hair is a fucking bomb. Whether it's short or long. Guess what you can it can take many different shapes and bitch your motherfucking chameleon.

How much more do you want from yourself?

You woke up, you got your her dress, you did her hair, you got you dressed, you wiped your ass, you fed her breakfast, You sent the emails, You hit up May, you hit up David, you hit up Jamila, You bothered everyone, You made sure everyone knew that you knew that they needed to do what they needed to do.

And somehow you still found a little extra time to do something for yourself. You're the bomb, bitch. You're the bomb bitch, Amen Emien.

So yeah, that's a little bit of how like the self talk thing that I've been doing is like it's not like.

And like it's not like, and you are so important and like, no.

Bitch, yeah you want that, bitch, bitch, Okay, shut the fuck up. Like literally, I was like in the middle of like talking bad to myself, and I was like.

No, we're not doing that right now. No, we're not. Absolutely fucking That's.

Almost like you have to check yourself as if you found a bitch talking about your friend.

Yeah, like, what the fuck are you talking to bitch? Exactly?

You're not talking about my friend like that. Hell no, the fuck up, bitch. You don't know what the fuck you're talking. Like literally, yeah, that's how it was. And I was like, I'm absolutely nuts. If someone was in here, they would think I'm crazy. No, but it's necessary I had to do. I feel you like, I was like, you started at nothing. You have almost two hundred episodes. You are number one top one percent podcasts in the world that didn't happen overnight for no reason.

You made art for every single episode. Every episode has art. You are a graphic designer, bitch, you make fashions, you said. I was literally like, we have merch. We sent out merch. We are designers of a fashion.

Life, and we somehow sent it out, not always the time, but who cares. The tribe understands we're moms. We're trying our best. It's not a good commercial for our shop. We hired someone so order from our shit. But you're inspiring women.

Sometimes I'm so grateful too for our community. Like you don't understand sometimes, Like the other day, I was feeling like someone sent like a post or whatever, a story and they're like, I'm so.

Proud, like so happy with these girls. You're doing it, your mom and you're killing it. Thank you, because I was not feeling that way right now.

Like the connection amongst us is so strong, the web of like inner inner strength, and like I don't know, I just feel like I always say this, it's a revolution. Women are coming together. It's a revolution for the women, and we're supporting each other, we're encouraging each other, and we're fucking thriving, like with children and communities, we're just

I'm talking that good shit about other women.

Yeah, and to other women that's bomb, you know, Like there's no I like.

Not comparing your blessings to someone else's. I mean, I've done that my whole life. I'm fab mean, I was preconditioned to feeling like everything is a competition, you know, like everything's a competition. No, she has that, Why don't I have that?

Like you know, and I.

Still feel that come up a little bit, but like I feel it's silenced so much.

It's so crazy, that competitive voice, Like the other day so crazy.

I forgot to tell you this.

I was about to post for Maudibody.

But I first it was like it's a postpartum about how you're feeling postpartums pictures.

Of me like with the baby, like Luna as a baby.

But before I posted it, I looked at yours, so like just see what you wrote and ic Luna was next to me and she's like, oh, like she said something like oh that's Eric and Iri I was like, yeah, it's like I'm not to post ours. She's like, I hope people like it, like they like like, I hope they like it, like they liked hers. I was like, what, Oh my god, who I don't know, Like is this just innately children?

Like she doesn't no shit about likes. She just say like how many lives did she get? But she was like, oh they like ours if they like Eric and Ivies.

I'm like almost crying, like what the fuck is this pressure? I'm like, am I is it like innately going to my child? The pressure I put on myself?

Like I'm like, am I projecting what is happening?

But it was so many things we don't have control of, the like school, like what happens at school, the way like parents are talking and teaching their children and then their kids are coming up showing up at school and throwing their bullshit on our kids. Like it's a lot, you know, there's only so much we can fucking come combat.

So I don't think it has.

Anything to do with you, No, but I do think it starts with you will be more aware of talking positively to your child if you talk more positively to yourself. I don't talk that positive myself, and I like I notice that, like I can slack and air. Louna is super confident. She can't tell her shit honestly, but like it reminds like I am not good at doing that, like in my family, in myself, like giving a lot of praise to people wasn't. It's just not how we

And so she sees me doing it to myself.

And to her, and then when those other children come, or those teachers come, or those other adults do that thing where people compare and make these comments that they're we're not even aware of that, she already knows like I know I'm good and I can talk kindly to myself. So yeah, it is just like a healing. It's a radical healing when you can love on yourself.

Yeah, and then it is important that you should does see that because I remember my mom always talking shit about.

Her body all the time.

I'm fat oughugh, And I was looking at myself like am I fat?

Am? I? That is right? That's my mom? Or shit, I look like you right? So is this is something wrong? With me, like it's really yeah, it's really important.

That even if you don't feel beautiful, just shut the fuck up then about it.

Start to try and not shut the fuck up, but notice it and then try to feel good about it.

Like that, but also shut the fuck up in front of your kids about it. Just be quiet. We know your kids.

Don't look to your kids to validate you. Do not wait for your children to be like, Mommy, you're not fat, you're beautiful. If you do that, you're fucking your kids. I'm serious. Don't do that shit like it's not cute, it's not cool. You don't need your little human to validate you. They are looking to you to validate yourself so that they in turn can validate themselves in a really genuine, authentic way, you know, And like I see parents do that.

I see people do that, and it's like.

Ooh, and I mean I have to like maybe I need to analyze myself and see if I do that. I know that I've I've had body issues on and off my whole life. I really try to be conscious though about I don't even like when I resize the word fat, it really irritated.

I love skinny fat both those words. I'm like, why are we using those words?

Let's not even why are we talking about Like even today she was making something this. I didn't correct her because I I understood what you're trying to say. She's like she's cutting out a dress. She's like, I want the dress to be skinny, and she meant like tight time fitting. Yeah, but and that was fine. But I was just like, god, these words, like they're so.

Yucky. You know.

Yeah, I mean yeah, language is a bitch, but I feel you.

I try to talk positive about my body in front of loo and like be naked and let her be naked, and like.

It's your house. You choose.

How do you want to feel, how do you feel? What do you want to wear? You know, like I try not to. Like she was wearing afro the other day and my mom was like, oh you got your hair. Oh your hair is crazy.

It was like so cute. I saw it. I saw I was cute, as I like.

And then the next it's like I don't want to wear afro.

I'm like, why it's beautiful? Everyone complimented. You're like, no they didn't. I was like, yes they did, Yeah they did.

I heard them. I go hard with the afro affirmations.

Yeah, like Irie, I'm like, your hair is bombed this way, it's amazing, Like you see my afro. Look at this shit. It's fucking great. Every time someone like compliments me, and like when I'm out, I'm like you see that, you see how they like my yep? Yeah killing it? Well yeah, Well.

This is the beginning of Dike Deep December, and I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope this makes you reflect on.

Whatever wherever you're at right now, you know, and we'll be going deep.

Going to go deeper, deep, deep dep I wouldn't make an appointment with that there. I mean that healer should.

If you guys haven't joined our Patreon, I want to encourage you to do so, go and listen to my whole little mini episode where I talk about not being needed.

Mila shares some stuff on there too.

We're kind of like venturing into doing little solo solo.

Episode blogs and I'm kind of enjoying it.

I'm like so used to talking with you that I'm like when I when I recorded it by myself, I.

Was like, WHOA, this is weird.

I you know, it's not my favorite thing. To do, but I'm working past it, so Eric it doesn't.

Be pissed with me. So I did it with my snake, Heather. I was like, come on, sure, you go home. I do it together.

Snake's like, bitch, put me back in the cage. Speaking of that fucking snake. The other day, first of all, I bought Lonna a snake because she's been asking my for her birthday.

She'll be seven on Saturdays.

I'm so happy she's almost a teenager. But then I was like, you know what, this is a really ad char witchy household, and we can watch it grow and shed and I can put like I can put the sheddings on the altar. So then I got it, and then it's great. Only eats a little baby mouse once a week. Anyway, she hasn't been home, so I'm just waking up, you know, living my best life.

Went to go pee. I look the fuck over into.

The bathtub and there's a snake in the bathtub, and I'm like, that looks a lot like Heather.

What a fuck is Heather?

First wile he's a heat in the bathtub.

I literally went my head. I was like, that snake is in the bathtub. Oh no, and I was like, that's my snake. I was pissed. I don't know you text me. I was so she was so pitch or text and even makes sense. She texted me like I woke up to pee and I was like, so, someone peeding your bed. No, bitch, Heather's in the bathtub. I'm like, so you peede on yourself and Heather's in the bathtub.

No. I was like, I don't know what you're trying to tell. Then I want to get headed out of the bathtub.

The bitch was snapping at me like she was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be the bathtub. I don't know why she snaps. He he snaps.

Heather is a he Sorry Luda is specific about Heather being a heat.

Okay, got it. He is a heat.

But yeah, he can he can bite you. Okay, he doesn't have sharp teeth. He did it, but I could just see him like, I was like, you, motherfucker, I fed you anyway, the motherfuckers like I didn't go down the bathtub.

Draya, and then I had to replace him by Saturday.

I'm pissed anyway.

Well, thanks for getting Luna a fucking snake because now Irie wants a goddamn snake and that's not happening.

You want up her witchiness, Witchy has so I don't do creatures. I don't do animals in my home.

I just my dog just died a few weeks and Hans ago a few months ago.

And I'm really enjoying not having to like take care of shit. Really low maintenance, he is. Really, I don't want to have.

To defrost a little baby fucking mouse in my pot that I cook.

I didn't do it in my pot, bitch.

You take some hot water, you put it in, you can just run it under hot water on you hold it.

I don't want to do any of that.

You see it coming back to life like hairs start to like and it's.

Like I told her to ask her dad. Yeah, well that snake's going to die.

If you get a snake and I get a snake, we could do like so many witchy rituals together.

I'll come over. We can do it. Okay, fine, I'm a snake mom. Now hashtag snake mom. I don't have to use that. Oh shout out to Roger.

He psychologists said he has two corn snakes at they're seventeen years old and they're they're like four feet each, So I really am you've made I know I'm a fucking twenty I'm gonna have a twenty year old snake soon. Anyway, thank you guys for listening. We appreciate you, we.

Love you, and I'm.

So grateful for this community. I hope to mingle with you guys in Costa Rica. We're almost sold out. If you have not, go get your niggas depending on your trip, because it's gonna be bomb. We're going to be manifesting. I won't bring Heather the Snake, don't worry. And also listen, I hope for our talks on Patreon.

Erica is doing her self talk. I'm going to try and do some self.

Talk and we're going to walk you through our childhood healing trauma because we're therapist.

We'll also make sure to go follow us on Twitter. I know we never really.

Advertised on Twitter, but apparently we're popping over there a little bit, tiny bit, well tiny pop pop.

We went viral on Twitter.

We did, I don't even know. I was like, what what are we doing on virl?

What? And all my friends are on Twitter, like look at this, I was like, what does this mean? I don't know a good girl, Good Mom underscore bad Girl.

Follow us on TikTok Good Mom's Bad Choice because I guess the s was taken.

I don't fucking know. And Patreon.

If you do try to search us on Patreon, you actually have to like either click the link in this episode description or go to patreon dot com backslash Good Mom's Bad Choices because they be blocking sexy moms.

So also, if you haven't, go listen to our episode last week with sur Marvelous.

Yes I see this popping on the fire stick kind of though there was Oh my god, that he's amazing. He's amazing. I shout out to him. All right, we'll catch you guys on SUPERSTI