Zion, unsure, what the balance? Hell, I touch my belly, overwhelmed by word.
I have been chosen to perform. But then a name your came on one day, sold me to Nail Dollan Gray.
Born to me, a man child would be born.
Buld is crazy, stirf home stance, I knew his life, desert chance.
Welcome back to good Mom's bad Choices. I'm Erica and I'm Nila.
Wednesday was it?
What's going on?
Nothing? Anything new?
It's still retro grade.
Yeah, it's gonna be we have some time.
No, not really.
I mean yesterday I had a really Iria had a tantrum for like an hour, and I might have yelled at her like a crazy person. I felt really bad afterwards. She was just scream it was about ice cream. Well, she didn't want to go to my she didn't want to go to my grandma's house that I could go to therapy, and I was like, I have to go to therapy. And I didn't tell her that. I was like going to the doctor and she's like I want
to go. I was like, well, I'll get you ice cream, and then she was like I want ice cream, and then the screaming kept happening. I was like, well, you're not gonna get ice cream if you keep screaming. And then she just kept screaming and like screaming, like like.
That, oh my god.
And like I was also on a conference call and so there was people talking in my ear and my daughter was screaming. It was just a lot was happening, and I think I just woke up that morning just feeling on edge, period tired, and she was in mid scream and then I just was like and then I was like do you like and I just kept screaming. I was like, you like the way this feels. This is what it feels like when you scream at me. And then she got really scared and she started like backing away.
It's so funny how kids suddenly you do what they do and they're scared.
Right, And I was just like, I'm doing exactly what you're doing. So I felt like it was it was even playing field. And then afterwards, obviously I was like, I'm thirty one. I was like, not an even it's this is not good.
I called you and you're like, oh no, no, I'm just feeling really I was like, okay, you need to go home and so sweet. I almost asked you to do something. I said, oh, maybe you should emit.
I was like, she's like, you're like naw, okay, okay, and then you started getting mad at irin you don't even deserve ice.
Screamed because you.
I was like, okay, I'm gonna call you that guy, catchu lated. It was just one of those mornings, little bitch that was like at four o'clock.
Okay, well, because because it kept happening even after I picted her. Well, then I went to therapy and then that I didn't When I left, I didn't feel good. And then I picked her up, and then she didn't want to go to piano class and she was crying about that and I was just like, I can't deal with life today. And then I was like, there's no way I'm giving her ice cream today. There's no fucking way. And then I gave her ice cream because she's cute, and I felt bad for you screaming at her. My
therapist said it was fine. I told her. I was like, I just screamed at her.
I don't know.
Anyway, how about you.
You're good, I'm good, Yeah, I'm good. You know, normal adult shit and I'm an adult, so I gotta take it.
So that's it pretty much, except for the fact I keep forgetting things. Okay, So we have a very special guest today, Mama birth were a birth worker.
No, that's a legit term.
Okay, certified doula, certified doula, childbirth educator, women's wellness expert.
I don't know.
I was thinking sex worker and I was like, birth worker, same right, she has a birth worker birth worker?
I did.
Yeah, I just never heard anyone who was that term before.
Yeah, it's a legit term. It's typically for women or people individuals who work in the birth world and have multiple hats they wear.
Okay, got it. I will tell us a little bit about yourself.
Sam, awesome. Okay. Well, my son just turn eight going on twenty. Like we talked about earlier, he is just the light of my life. He's my favorite thing on the planet, and he constantly makes me want to rip my hair out. And when he's away from me, I missed him within thirty minutes and want him home. And he's just the reason I do everything that I do and he makes me so happy. And I'm a single mom, newly single, but not that way, I haven't been with his father in about four and a half years.
I am.
I'm all the things you guys said. I remember birth doula. I'm an author. Now my book comes out in like forty five days, and I'm kind of losing my shit. But that's just I'm looking at all of my mentors. You guys know who Brene Brown is.
That sounds Oh she was in the movie with the Mom's.
No, she's so she's got a Netflix special right now.
Well she's okay, So there's if you haven't seen it, there's remember we try to watch it.
We got high and fell asleep with them.
Like they're like older women and they're like trying to have fun and palm springs for the weekend.
It's on Netflix.
We watch Oh natres or.
No, she's speaker, yeah, and a psychologist.
But there's a part in the movie.
It's the thing with Tina Fey, Right, there's a part in the movie and they're like, oh my god, is.
That for me?
Oh yeah, is it a wine country or something? Yeah? Okay, okay, okay, we just want to ask you a couple of questions. So that's Oh my god, I love that. Okay, So my mentors that they don't know they are my mentors, like Brinane Brown and Oprah they don't know there are my mentors, but they are my mentors. Right well, everything that I've heard them say that the ship that they went through, I'm literally going through all of it right now.
So I'm like this is to be expected, Like, yeah, I'm where I need to be next up Oprah.
Right So, I'm just like it's my life and my masturbation manifestation kidding.
Masturbate way in a non sexual masturbating.
Way, like a manifestation while masturbating type of way.
That's some powerful ship right there.
It is, it is. I'm I'm totally We actually met a girl who told us about it, and I was like, wait, that makes total sense, and and then I tried it and then afterwards it was actually the first time I did it was I thought about being interviewed by Oprah Like basically what I do is like I obviously have to be turned on. And then right as I'm about to come, like I start thinking about something that is really it's something that I really want. It's not even sexual, but already.
There bimaltic state.
Yeah, And so after that I feel so energized, and like when I did that that the first time, I immediately wanted to work. I was like, let me on my computer and like, mesen some emails, get me to Oprah. Yeah, let me do some ship exactly.
I love it.
I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is fucking weird.
Like she's like, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna masturbate every damn day now.
No, I do a lot. I mean that there's the Oprah and not always to manifestations. That was just pure It's just pleasure, my favorite porn category.
But dick is your favorite porn categy. No, I'm just saying it's my favorite porn category.
Just because your favorite porn category, just because you've switched it up recently. Hey, thedom, calm down.
I didn't tell anybody that thanks a lot, one new category.
Tell a friend. The bitch tells everybody.
Anyway, I don't know what we got on porn Oprah Okay, yes that's.
What Oprah's where we were ye yeah, so so basically just everywhere they said that i'd be is where I am. You know, you're just you're like about to hit a new level and people. There's people that you really love and respect and admire and people you really don't give two ships about that you never think about. Like both types of people all of a sudden like start throwing shade at you and don't want to see you succeed.
And what I found, and I've known this for a really long time, but I'm finding it significantly so recently, is that when you're around you're the sum of the five people you spend the most of the time with. Right, So, when you're around people that are playing at a different level, and you decide to do something incredible with yourself or your life and you want to up level, you're gonna
have two types of energies come from people. The people that love and support you regardless and the people who feel inferior by what you're doing. So they're going to try to stop you because the bigger you get, the smaller makes them feel. Even if it's from a place of.
Love, they don't realize it's like a toxic.
Type of Oh, they don't realize that at all. This can be one of your best friends just.
Want to like, oh, your dream is too big.
Maybe plant seeds of like questioning the seeds.
Of doubt, like are you sure you really want to do that? Or what makes you think you're capable of that?
Or what it happens if it doesn't work out.
Yes, that's my favorite. That's my favorite one. And I'm like, right now, I'm in the space where I'm like, you know what, I got a lot of self doubt on my own. I don't need yours too, But we're good. I'm good in that department. So you show up and you rally with me, or just go deal with your inner personal ship. Because when people throw shit at you, it's never a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. So I'm not that interesting place right now.
Interesting, that's true.
I think we get frustrated because we don't realize that people are not doing it intentionally.
It's just them. It's the rejecting. Yeah.
So I know Sam because she Duela the two of my my my best friends, but both wait, my best friend's births.
Baby babies, bab she duel it for both of her births. That's amazing. Those were both really good birsts.
I I the first one I missed because my phone was off and I was so angry.
I was so mad that no one called me more. I was like, why didn't you call my baby daddy? I was furious. I was so furious that I got to her.
So you made her birth about you?
I did, literally, I got Erica Erica. I was leaning down when.
I got there and I opened the door and I just started crying. She did think I did baby over and saw.
Her face, but she just walks through the door, just tears streaming down her face. I was like, ohne oh, honey, I cry just thinking about it.
I don't know why I felt so oh, you know why because I had just had a baby, not just had a baby, but.
I really really, really really wanted a home birth and I didn't get to have it.
And I had like low key convinced Alana to do it, and she she finally like was convinced. So I was like, I should have been here the second second baby. I wasn't even in town. I was like, let me FaceTime that baby. I'm perfectly fine.
I remember because like a week before we were facetiming.
Do you remember that she should she had like a false alon.
Yeah, that's hilarious.
And then Sam was the first person who hugged me. She was just like, it's okay. She had a duel of me.
I legit am everyone's duel atta birth, not just the mom.
That's probably a thing.
Right, it's a huge thing.
As a doula do is that something like you have to know you're.
Gonna have one. To be honest with you, I would say, nine times out of ten, I'm the dula for the dad, not the mom. M.
That's fasting because I would know a lot of dads are like, we all need that doula.
And they all say that first. They all say that first, and now they're all like they sing my praises. So my friend Brandon is the perfect example. I literally never met him before I helped his wife deliver her baby in up parking lot.
And parking lot, you just happened to be walking up.
No, Like she had called me, and she was on baby number two. And I didn't know her when she had baby number one, but I knew number one was quick, That's all I knew. And just like with Alana, we see patterns, right, so I'm like number two is fall out of her vagina, right, So she calls me up and no, she had called it a certain time. I saw a miscall on my phone and I'm like, she
shouldn't be calling right now, that's interesting. And I called back right away and she's like breathing heavy, and she's like, I think I'm in labor, Like where are you? And she's like, I'm in the parking lot of Happy Feet, which is like a foot massage place. I'm like, of course you're in labor, you're a Happy Feet. She's like, no, I didn't make it in yet. I'm like, don't move,
I'll be right there. Yes, And I get there and she's covered in sweat and she's shaking, and this is very very tall tale signs of transition, which is right before you deliver. So I look at her and I'm like totally calm, like all right, honey, you know what, I'm just going to take a peek downstairs. Just stay where you're at. And I look down and she's crowning in their parking lot, in her car in the parking lot.
So one by one people start showing up. Her husband calls they have me, her best friend has me on speakerphone. Her husband he's like, get her. So the hospital he wanted her to go to was a lot further than where we're at. He's like, get her there. I'm like, that's not happening. And we're across the street from another hospital called Henry Mayo, and he's like, then just walk her down Henry may I was like, you don't understand, that's not happening, Like you just need to be here.
And she held that baby in until he arrived and we're like the fire departments there. One of my best friends who's a midwife. I had called her like I called I was calling the troops. I'm like, I'm not catching a baby in a party. Lot, let me get here, and she didn't know. I was like on the outside, you know, yeah, very calm, but with her, I'm like we're fine, everything's fine. I get out of the car, like, where the fuck are you here? Fucking now?
Right?
So it worked out. It was beautiful. But the point of the story is her husband. I see him hop out of the car and he's like, Amber, I'm here, and I grab his hands and I throw them on her back and I'm like, he's here. Feel him now, pushed because she was holding that baby in and like we didn't have heart tones. We didn't know how baby was you know, so she baby needed to be delivered, and I ended up being a gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful birth
and a parking lot amazing story. First after from the moment I got there to the morment the baby was born as seventeen minutes. Oh shit, it felt like three hours. Wow, it was seventeen minutes.
By then.
He was coming from like the moor Park area, and he flew on the shoulder the whole way to get there. N Wow. I just got chills thinking about it. I just got chilled, like he is on my way, baby, I'm coming.
To stop me totally, totally And the best part was her best friend was there, who was in a full lake cast, like full boots, right, and she's this tiny little girl and I'm like I needed to go inside and get gloves and she's like, okay, what kind.
I'm like, just get gloves and she's like okay, because we have any gloves or anything. So she takes off. She comes back with like this full lake cast, like eight pairs of blood. She's like I'm here, I'm here, and I'm like okay. And then Brandon's dad had got there and none of us knew he was coming right, but he called his dad like, hey, my wife's outing
a baby in a parking lot. He rolls up and you see this big tall to me I come running out of a car, and you see little tiny Natalie, the best friend in the leg run over there and grow ten feet tall, sir like checking him, not letting him get to No woman, Yeah, nobody knew wo he was. And she's like no, like she stopped him, and he's like I'm here. It was the craziest thing, and the medical run.
Yes.
So the whole point of the story is Brandon, who I'd never met before. There ended up being a little bit of a scare afterwards, you know, like how is baby doing? We had like a good chunk of time from when we got in the ambulance to the hospital where there was a nervousness and I got to the hospital, I followed behind them and ended up doing my little Duela thing in the hallway with dad.
Wait, wait, was the baby not breathing?
Was it?
Baby was fine, It's just we want to see certain things when baby's born. So have you ever heard of an Appgar score? Yeah, so it's the idea, want to see baby pinking up breathing well, responding well, and we weren't necessarily seeing those things right away. Some babies take a little bit longer to come around to make eye contact, just to show signs of thrivingness.
Because I really understood what that scores.
Yeah, my other best friend be like, I was an eight out of ten. I was the highest at gar scar. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean.
It just means that we're looking right afterwards for how well babies responding, and then we check again ten minutes later. So some babies pink up right away and they're screaming and they're very lively, and some babies take time. That's all it is. So you know, there was a scare there for a minute, and long story short, we just had a very beautiful connection and I was able to due let him as well and be there for him and help him come to center and really take space.
And I've done that for multiple dads and many many times since then. We'll be at like a barbecue or something and Brandon and I are shooting the shit, having a beard together, laughing, and everyone's always like, you guys are really close, Like Brandon's like, totally not that way. He's not that friendly with everyone. I'm like, what are you tognize the nicest guy in the world, And everyone's like, no, he's just that way with you because you're his doula.
What a special feelings for you? You know, And a lot of the dads are that way. They really were like, who's this chick gonna like come intervene in my birth? And then later they're like, I'll review her. You want a video testimony? Oh, what do you need? Because we're so much there for them as well.
You know, that's interesting because I do feel like the men tend to like freak the fuck out.
The most they do because what you're doing is innate and they're seeing you either trying to figure out your space, which is scary to see because you look very confused and alone, and or they see very primal and in your way and it's beautiful and it's powerful, and a lot of men look at that and they're like, what the hell is going on?
How did you become a doula? Like what is the process for that?
What made you? Yeah, so I had cervical cancer when I was nineteen, Wow, And like, what is so? The way I contracted it was my boyfriend cheated on me and got hp and gave it to me, and the particular strands there's many forms of HPV. HPV is not necessarily like a sexually transmitted disease. It's like you getting a cough or a cold. Everyone that's sexually active will probably have it at some point or another and not
even know. But there's many strands of it, and one of the strands does have the cervical cancer to aspect to it. And I got that was nineteen. Tried Western medicine a bunch of times, had two surgeries. It didn't work. It failed, So then they didn't know what to do with me. So they threw me to this midwife slash obgyn in their practice and they're like, you handle it, And she got me meditating, walking, exercising, eating whole foods, plant based diet, and I recovered very very quickly because
of that, whereas nothing else worked. So that kind of like led me on this journey of like just being healthier. So my daddy's from the South and it is all barbecue and mashed potatoes are the only vegetables. Right. My mom's Filipino. They eat all parts of the animal, right, so I wasn't raised on like the farthest thing from a plant based diet, but it made a significant difference in my health, which is another thing that Alana and I really connect on right.
Well.
The reason why I bring that up is I didn't know that I was going to be able to have kids because there's so much scar tissue on my cervix. And my ex and I just found out we were pregnant, and it was like the most beautiful blessing, But I got something called hyper amesis graviderum. It's what Princess Kate had. So you're like so sick you can't even hold down water. It was horrible. I lost so much weight, my cheeks were all sucked in like a tweaker Like I looked
so unhealthy. It's horrible. So all I could do my whole pregnancy was I sucked on trail mix, I watched documentaries, and I played Call of Duty. Yeah, so I googled like all the different ways to help with motion sickness and morning sickness, and I tried all of them. I did everything, and the only one that made the biggest difference is video games. Because your mind is focusing on something else, so it takes you off of it. So
for like six months I couldn't work. I literally sat there watched documentaries ate ten different kinds of trail mix from sprouts to mix it up because I could only have like one thing in my mouth and suck on it to not throw up. And I came across the business of being born. I watched and I was like, oh, oh shit, Well I never thought that I was going to do this, but guess I'm having a baby in
a baptim. Like I'm all about it. So I started googling and researching, and I found out that it was going to cost a lot of money for a midwife that he didn't have. My ex works in the studios we both used to and they were on hiatus. He literally did not work my entire pregnancy. We could not afford that, right. It was going to be like fifty five hundred out of pocket. Insurance didn't cover it, and I was just like, shit, what are we going to do?
And then I found out about dulas, and I just I researched my whole pregnancy, and my sister in law and my cousin's wife and all these women kept coming to me with pregnancy questions because I knew. All I did was sit home and research and watched documentaries, and then one after another people just asked me to start attending their births. And I had an incredible birth experience. And did you.
End up having your son at home?
So what I did was I labored at home, first in my shower, which is a whole crazy story for another day because it's a long one, and then in my jacuzzi, and then my doula got there. And then we had a friend who had a birth center who was a midwife, and she let me come there and check me because I didn't want to get to the hospital. So I was basically like ready to push and when I go by the time I was seven centimeters, She's like, Okay, you can go to the hospital now and have your baby.
So I ended up delivering at the hospital, but I was able to labor for most of the time away from the hospital, which makes a significant difference.
So were you like a high risk pregnancy because of the scar teessue?
No, but what they did say was one of two things happens with the scar tissues, So if it's fred they call it incompetent cervix, which is like such a demeaning name. All the medical terms for women are incompetent cervix, Like it's just not good enough. So what happens is it's soft and it dilates very quickly, which would be ideal dilate have a baby, right, or that scar t issue doesn't want to dilate, And that's what end up
happening to me. So even though I got to the hospital at seven centimeters, like this is going to go so fast, transition to the smallest part, Yes, stuck in transition from eleven in the morning till seven at night when I delivered, Wow, like the most intense part of labor, because that piece of scar tissue when it pop, oh my god, They're like there's one piece left and if you push, your cervix is gonna swell and you're gonna
end up in a C section. So I laid they're not pushing for a really long time.
When I got pregnant same, I was like super psycho research pregnancy honestly, like, I don't know what's gonna happen in my lifetime, but I would get into birth work, I would be I would like, that's totally something I don't know. I don't know if it's that movie makes everybody want to be in birth work, but I agree. But one of the things that during my research, and like, first of all, a lot of people don't know a lot about home birth.
A lot of people don't know that what a duel is, what's the difference between a midwife and no idea?
But you know, you explain it really well like your supporter to mostly the mom, but obviously the dad too. But I feel like a lot of people because what I discovered when I was doing research is like there's so many things that can like navigate your pregnancy, like your labor specifically in pregnancy that come up like trauma.
Girl, this is my jam. Nobody talks about this.
And when it came up for me in my many book research podcasts, crazy shit, I was, I don't know who was.
Doing all types of shit.
I was like, wow, that makes a lot of sense. And also I don't know.
Why no one has really discussed it like so much. So where like I've read, I read a story about someone like in labor and then maybe like the midwife had a conversation with her about like some sexual trauma experienced. Yeah yeah, and during labor like literally like she closed back up and read and dilated smaller.
Yeah yeah, because I came up for her and she literally had to release that energy for her to birth her child. Like the energy we hold in our womb is so real and so.
So powerful, powerful, so powerful.
I don't think women really recognize how much that correlates with labor and birds.
Oh it's so significant. So interestingly enough, something you said, I kind of want to take you back to, so you know how you said, like, oh, I can totally see myself being a dulo one day. That's because innately you are. So I want you guys to go on a quick little journey with me for a second. Okay, So let's pretend it's two hundred years ago and I'm going into labor right now, right and we all are in a tribe and we live in the same community,
the same village. I would not be afraid. I'd have zero fears in my head from television, movies and society to have baby because I was at Jamila's birth last year and I supported her through that and the rest of the women came together and saw it, and I wasn't worried about what she was going to do afterwards, because I knew she could breastfeed, and if she was actually one of the less than two percent of women who cannot breastfeed, there would be another woman there to
nurse her child, and her older children children and her spouse would be taken care of and be fed, and would be fine, because your only job after you have that baby is to lay there naked for days, weeks since some cultures months, nurse your baby skin to skin, rest and recover. It's a healing process, not only as a baby being born, but so is a mother.
Right.
We don't honor this process. It's not normalized. Birth isn't a normal thing. It's I think we've made very medical right. So our mind around is completely asked backwards. And the reason why you said you can see yourself doing that is because whether it's you in a past life or it's what's been passed down generationally through yourselves, is that's what we did as women. We honored each other, we supported each other. We've seen birth since we were children.
It cracks me up. There was this post on Instagram the other day, and it might even have been one of my midwife friends, and she had children in the room and the mom was birthing her baby and people are like, oh, they're going to traumatize that kid, and
I'm like, no, no, no, no, hold on. Especially the boys in that room are going to be the best husbands and the best support systems because birth is not going to be weird to them, and they are going to believe so much in their partner when she goes to have their child, there will be zero fear.
And also they're going to see what women women like, what miracles we are, yes, like.
Wow, power women are. And here's the thing. There's no such thing as love and hate. There's love and fear. Fear is the opposite of love. Right, And when you think about men that don't support women, it's not because they hate them. It's because they're in fear. They're in fear of their power, they're in fear of losing them, fear of all them.
Yeah, I forgot.
I was gonna say, Oh, we were talking about trauma.
Trauma of trauma. So birth is ninety percent psychology. Oh right, and trauma comes up in birth every single time.
Oh, he said to ninety percent, Like in your.
Psychology ninety percent.
I would say that I think there's a point.
I don't know if you agree, Erica, there's a point in laboring where like I realized, I'm like, okay, I have to go inside myself.
Like yeah, sister, yes, I literally took his space.
I had this.
I didn't have a duel. I wanted to do it because it's same. I didn't have money. I didn't have fifty five hundred dollars. I call my friend's mama, was like, you think your mom will come out here because she's like been a couple of births and do an unassistant childbirth, and I it's sassed about it. Like even before I got pretty, I was really into watching home births and then I show Luna too, So I really I don't
I think it's good to normalize it. I think some of my friends may think it's a little weird.
Well, her daughter sits and watches like two hours worth of birthing videos and then I walk in and on my my floor walks in. You could close the door, and they're pretending to have babies in her room, and I'm like, I'm not really sure if I want my four year old pretendingly she's having a baby. I put back on the birthday video. It's like they watched birthing video actually, and I.
Actually heard a really like disturbing story and I just got scared. So I just but I also like we watched birthing of animals, but the same I wanted it to be normalized. I don't want it to be fearful, Like my first introduction to birth was like scary, like in a hospital setting, and that's how I knew I didn't want to do that.
But as women, and this is.
What our bodies do, I think it's there's no early or late age to discuss it. There's nothing, there's nothing inappropriate or strange. I mean, obviously it can be traumatic. But that's why I like to show a range of births, because sometimes they're really quiet, sometimes they're really like there's all types of birth, so.
I think that's important.
But we had another guest, like we had another guest a while ago, jess Jessica Hooper, and she was saying that she was really scared of miscarrying. She kept like obsessing over it to the point where her midwife is like, why do you feel like you don't deserve your baby?
And I was like, Wow, I never heard anything like this.
And she was saying how she felt like her sexual history because maybe she'd, like whatever, had sex with guys with unattached situation. She felt like she didn't deserve like her husband and her baby, and that it was really psyched, like fucking with her psyche making her feel like something was gonna happen to her.
Yeah, totally.
And I like, there's so many things that play into like, as you as a doula, have have you experienced any like trauma with women that have like affected their labor or their pregnancy.
Yeah.
Yeah, So it's actually the first thing that I address, and it's my approach, and it's very different. And you know, I don't preface this by saying that dula's are God's gift to birth in today's society. I am a duel. I have nothing but good things to say about dula's. But even the best DULAS certification training programs out there
today don't necessarily teach about this. They do teach about dealing with loss or with sexual trauma to a certain degree, which is fantastic and it's something that needs to be addressed. But what I found is a lot of the typical typicals, not even the word traditional duelist support today is how do I support a woman in a hospital to make the best choices that are right for her body. What are her alternatives, what are her options? How can I
manage her labor and pain. That's really the broad spectrum of it, and what I found within for the first few years is it's all psychology and it's all the
inner game. And so most of the work that I do with my clients is before the birth, not during, and it's a lot of visualization and meditation, like a lot of fear and burning release lists, like getting the shit out of your head and figuring out what it is you need to heal, because if you haven't, I promise you, sister, it's coming up when you're in labor and it causes issues every time. So sometimes it give me sexual trauma or abuse. Sometimes it's just mommy or
daddy issues. Sometimes it's issues with their spouse or partner. That's I was gonna say, it's a big one. The number one thing I prescribe leading up to birth is lots of sex. And you guys need to get in a good routine now, So what is your self honoring date night that you have every single week no matter what. He doesn't schedule work or anything. You don't schedule anything. This is your time just to connect, child free, whether
you have other children or you don't. Because here's the thing is, we do this as women, do we not? We put the children first because that's a good thing to do as a mom. Be self sacrificing for your children. Then if there's anything left, that's gonna go to my manner, my partner, right, and then there's nothing left for me, And I'm just this empty vat of nothing that can't pour into anyone. And it's completely fucking backwards. I can say fuck on this thing right now. I'm like, it's
completely fucking backwards. It's completely fucking backwards. So what I teach is, Okay, let's get in alignment with you. Let's be super honoring to you, selfish but fucking honoring, right so you can show up as the best partner in spouse, which that should be. The second thing is nurturing your relationship because children are master manipulators and they're master at divide and conquer. So if they don't see a united front, they are going to divide and conquer to get what
they want. Right you guys, even when you yes, even when you're not on the same page and you do not agree at all, those children need to think that you have each other's back and you agree no matter what. That's massive. That's huge. So I teach all of these things. Now,
tell me what this has to do with birth. I'm teaching like how to have a healthy relationship, how to have a good sexual and physical relationship, connecting with each other, supporting each other, being in the right headspace before you go in there to have a baby. That's huge. This is big work we're doing, especially for first time parents, right right, you know, I.
Just say, okay, all those things seem like, yes, we need all those things. But you meet people at certain points in their life and their journey and their relationship, and sometimes like I just feel like it not all those They're not going to hit all those marks. No, No, nine nine times out of ten, nine times at a time they are they're they're not happy in their relationship even though they're having a baby. Maybe they're having a baby to fix the relationship, or they just got pregnant
or whatever. Or for me personally, when I got pregnant, like it was a distraction from our relationship and suddenly we had something to come together on. And then once the baby was here, we realized, oh shit, we haven't worked on anything and we're.
Two different people.
Are fucked.
Yeah, you know.
That is a lot of parents, and like, so I think, like how so, I mean, I guess you just do what you can and try to encourage it. And also men talking to men about all those points. M M. I mean if I think about like my baby daddy, if like you were my doula and he was saying all these things to him, he would have been like, fuck this.
But see, it doesn't it doesn't all come out like that. So I'm giving you guys, like the breakdown.
It's like easy, like it's like you probably ease into it. I'm just thinking about like the people that you know are having are pregnant now listening to this and are like, oh my god, I have so much work to do.
Oh my god, But I'm so happy because so many people don't even know they need to know, they know they have to.
I wish that like for me, like my birth story was that I didn't want to have and I saw the business of being born. It definitely encouraged me to have a home birth. My partner was not supportive, my doctors were not supportive. I didn't have any point of reference. None of my friends have kids. I was just on this journey by myself. My parents definitely were like, wait, you want to have a baby where I know? Yeah, So I just was like, fuck it, I'm going to
just do it at the hospital. I have great insurance. It's going to cover ninety percent of my birth.
Which your story, by the way, is very similar to most women's.
Just you know, I even had a doula come and talk to us, and my partner at the time was just like, well, why are if there's an emergency, we're going to go to the hospital. Why don't we just go to the hospital. Why are we doing this? Like he was such an assholder. And then and what ended up happening was I ended up you know, my doctor encouraged me to get induced because my baby was too big, getting bigger and bigger.
Yeah, your massive large baby.
She was there, Yeah, it was. She was getting so big, her head was huge. Well I had a sea section, no, of course, but like I didn't want to have a c section that was not in my birth plan. But everything went wrong after the after getting induced.
Everything went wrong where you start.
So like you said, like, you know, there's this point of like where I was in labor and I went within myself. It almost makes me sad because I didn't do that. I didn't have to. I was under drugs. I didn't feel anything. The fact I was chilling.
Why they they gave you drugs.
I mean when I started induced. When I got induced, my contractions were so intense. There was no build up. It was just like level ten.
Yeah, when they inter when they start intercepting with ship, it goes downhill.
It was no like oh yeah, I think it was like, oh my god. And so I was like, I need epidurals. When I had the epidural and then I was in labor for thirty hours under epidural, but I wasn't like laboring. Yeah, So I'm like, I'm almost like, I like when she said that, I was like, I wish I knew what that felt like.
I don't even know you're You're right. Everything you're saying is right. And so many moms say that to me, especially my v back mamas, and they're like I feel like I was robbed of somebody totally. And I tell them, to be honest, you were you were, You were robbed of the experience that is, it's this beautiful journey. So this is how I like to explain it. So everyone in today's society, men and women are like have an issue of going outside themselves looking for answers. Right, We're
always looking for the answers outside of ourselves. Never do we think to go inward. We weren't taught to do that. So when you're in labor, you go through this journey of like, somebody's gonna save me. Somebody's gonna save me. It's my partner, it's my spouse, it's the doula, it's the doctor, it's the midwife, the nurse. Somebody's gonna fix this. Somebody's gonna save me. The white horse is coming in.
And all of my moms, that every single one of them that have achieved a completely natural birth, finally get to a point in their labor where they look at me and they want to give up, and they ask me, how much longer is this going to fucking do? And my answer is always the same, it's up to you. And there was one specific one where I remember we were sitting at her bathroom together. I spent a lot
of time in the bathroom with women a lot. Yeah, well, it's it's a normal place for you to open up and feel privacy, and so it's a very safe space for most women. So we're in the bathroom and she looks at me and she's like, I'm just how much fucking longer is this going to take? And I said it's up to you. And I remember looking at her and within seconds something shifted and she got serious and
she's like, Okay, let's do this. She didn't say that, but you could tell that was her energy and I could see this, this wave of energy move through her and I'm like, oh shit, things are gonna start progressing. So I ran and grab a talent through it underneath her. As soon as she shifted positions, tons of bloody show, which indicates cervical change, and within thirty minutes we had
to leave for the hospital. First time. Mom shouldn't have it should's taken her way longer than from the point that she shifted at and within a few hours the baby was born. And it was the internal shift that happens. So the thing that we're talking about that I feel women get robbed of and it makes me sad, it makes me hurt for you, it does because that is your right of passage. Because what happens in that shift is you realize nobody's coming to fucking save me. There's
no white horse. There's no white horse. And you go inward and your body takes over, and suddenly your contractions are far more intense, they're closer together, your whole labor is more intense, but you're handling it completely differently. It's almost like a meditative state, and it's something beautiful to watch. And some women, my sister in law's a great example.
This is the girl who goes into the hospital when she's contracting and says, I'm ready to have my baby, and they say, oh no, you're only two centimeters dilated, contractions are too far apart. She's like, give me thirty minutes. She goes and does two hundred squats. She comes back in and she's like, give me my upidor and my potosa now, and she pushes her baby out five hours later. She's a freak of nature. She loves to have these medicated births to control the whole situation. That makes her
happy and that's empowering to her. But for a lot of women, they don't want that. They want the process, even if they go through it and decide they hated it, they wanted the opportunity to Yeah, So it's kind of My stance is like, I don't give a shit how you give birth. You should give birth, how you feel safe and empowered, and how you want to give birth. There is zero judgment. I wanted the few duelers who
believes in epidurals you should do it how you feel best. However, I don't think that anyone should take that choice from you, and that happens. It happens to a lot of people.
And so it's so funny that you said that you specialize in feedback because after my C section, and that's how I knew my doctor, I was bultless some bullshit and she's like this, and I didn't realize at the time she's like a celebrity doctor. I had no idea. Like, my friend worked at theater Sina. She even going to her forginocology. She told me she was great. I hadn't even told my mom I was pregnant yet and she was like, you have to go see at this doctor, and so I just started to go see her and
then I just went on this journey with her. Now she doesn't even take insurance, like people are paying her full price to deliver their babies. I think Chloe Kardashian. Actually she delivered Chloe Kardashian's.
Baby, but most of those women don't.
On the Kardashians, I was like, this bitch, I was not her. I was like embarrassed, Okay, thee who my baby is on the FUS? What kind of function is this? But after I had the baby, she.
I came.
I would come for checkups and she was like, yeah, you know, when you have your next baby, it would be so easy. We'll just I'll lease, like I can just fix that scar. And I was like, wait, so you're already telling me I'm going to have another C section and she's like, well, yeah, that's that's the best option. I'm like for you, because you get paid, you get to leave when the fuck you want to leave, like
I didn't. I like, I had watched so many birthing videos because even though I decided to have the birth at the hospital, I still was like I want to have it the most natural way. I want the baby. I want my baby to call up to me, yea.
To crawl up to Yeah, yeah, the breast crawl.
She like took the baby away. I just like I was on the table half dead and then they put the baby on my face. But the like then I started researching feedbacks and like, can you explain to our listeners have a lot, of course, a lot of women that have had these sections that feel like their only option is to have another one, or they're scared, or for me, my doctor said, like a vback, it is not a good idea.
Right, it's fair, Okay, So a lot of fear. So here's the thing. This is called fear mongering, and unfortunately everyone's responsible for this. I see midwives do it. I see nurses, doctors, juelas, I see everyone use fear mongering. So the example if you're mongering is saying something out of fear to get you to see their side. So I can come on here and tell you how amazing the option of natural birth is, or I can tell you how awful the alternative of a hospital birth is.
They're both mean the same thing, but which one's more effective? Me telling you how amazing something could be for you or me sing the shit out of you into doing something that I don't think you should do that you think is amazing.
Yeah, you're actually helping exactly.
So what doctors do. The most common term I hear with youback is your risk of a uterine rupture doubles when you have a vwback. Well, the percentage we're doubling from here is like point zero zero two percent to point zero zero four percent, so we're still talking less than a one percent chance of a uterine rupture. The other things that play a huge role is it used to be the type of incision, it used to be the way the cesarean was performed. We don't perform those
type of cesaians anymore. So unless you had one fifteen twenty years ago, that's not a concern either. You're at the same risk virtually for a uterine rupture, so we take the same precautions we would as we normally do. Right, So basically this is the only in my opinion, there's only two things I see as a risk factor when it comes to be back. The first one is and it's funny because you have different hospitals, say different things.
Cedars is actually really great at feedback. A lot of my feedbacks are there, and there's other fantastic doctors there, just you know that I work with all the time. But there's another awful hospital that I can't legally say the name of it. I can't because I can get like black belt from the hospital. So there's this terrible hospital.
It's awful, and they they require that you get into if you're going to fedback because they need to control the situation because it's all fear, right, they require that you go in, you get induced, and you have an epidural and they're monitoring you every second of your labor. If you're going to even attempt a feedback, they're called a tolac. It's a trial of labor. Okay, trial yeah, yeah.
So that's super fear like a trial, like, oh, let me let me try and maybe not kill my baby.
You're not super capable of this, but we'll try me.
You can try. I mean, if you want to risk your baby's life.
No, totally, it's fucking bullshit, right. So the alternative to that is I recommend you actually don't have any interventions if you're going to be back because picture a uterus like this. Okay, so for our listeners, you can picture like a big balloon in your hand and you've got both hands on either side of the balloon that's blown
up and when you squeeze it, that's like your uterus. Right, So your contractions come like this, and they give you a break, and contractions come like this, and then there's another break in between contractions. Well with the potosin a lot of times you go from zero to one hundred. It's like this, right, And most of the time people don't understand what drugs are being used for induction. So there's something called mesoprossel or servadel. So basically what that
stuff is made of is pig and bolsperm. That's what it's made of. Animal hormones, yes, basically, so, Yes, it's inserted vaginally and it's reality, it's very much so. But think about think about the uterus for think about the uterus for a cow. It's probably the size of you that has a cabinet, right, So we're contracting a very there's a lot of there's a lot going on here, right.
Putting it in a human cervix that isn't really right.
It we're really. I mean, it's it's dangerous. So when you have a uterist that's just like not it's when you introduce interventions, that's when there's side effects. That's when shit goes back. So I highly recommend for my moms who do want to have a trial of labor attempt to view back, to go as natural as humanly possible, okay, and to not have any interventions that are medically unnecessary.
And you can do a v back at home, yes, absolutely So it depends on the state that you're in, because I'm assuming some of the listeners are, you know, not in California. In California, you can have a you can have a view back. The thing is, you just have to be a good candidate for out of hospital birth, so you can't have like be high risk or have a history of certain things that could cause that to happen again. But feedback is perfectly done safe at home.
I had preclamsy it I can't. I might at high risk next time.
Automatically, No, not automatically.
It's so funny because v back, Like when I first heard that term, I literally felt like maybe like my uterus didn't work the right way anymore, Like that because they I was cut open, that now I had scar tissue and that had something to do with the reason why, because they didn't explain it. It was just like, no, you can't do it, so just don't even think about it. This is this is your option. And so I just like, so that's another reason why I think I was like, I'm never having another kid again.
It traumatizes you. And I hear just so.
Many women are still have the beliefs that I had. I mean, thank God, like you know, I've been able to I've taken it upon myself to do more research. But like I really was like, oh, I'm like, my uterus is broken. I can't. I fucked it up and this is my only way of giving.
Somebody told you that you were inadequate pretty much, and it's bullshit. It's bullshit.
I think that's why it's so important to do your research when you become frigent. I think actually in like communities for like black and brown women, like it's not I just think it's just not a culture that's really explored period.
Like you get what you just think you're going to the hospital.
It's gonna hurt, it's going to be intense, it's scary,
and then you give birth. So I think it's like even to have a birth plan like I like to have if I had a doula, I had a very intense, like you know, you you don't want drugs, you don't want this, and then you're just drugged up, you don't know what the fuck is happening, and they're not explaining shit to there's fear, like but even I had a very descriptive, very researched, well three page like birth plan, but because I didn't have a doula, and I end up going to the hospital, like no one was.
There to make sure.
Yeah, like they went against what the fuck I wrote down, and then later like I guess they realized it and then had like make copies so as people were coming on.
Because that's actually really like a legal thing.
I've documented specifically what I don't want you to do, and you've done it anyway.
So I think it's so important.
To do your research even if you can't, okay, I can't afford a duel or can't afford a midwife, to still have some like some direction of where you want to go, because a lot of doctors expect you to not be in performed.
And that's and that's.
How they can really use fear because if you don't know, Ship, and you's like, you don't know they're saying fifty, you know your your chance doubles. You don't know what's fucking from two point point two zero's.
Doctor told me that that do you know how many? When I told I want to have homeber, she do you know how many home birth still born babies I've delivered?
Like?
She totally she said that.
She said, do you really want to risk your first child? Why don't you just have your first child at the hospital, see how that goes. You want to have another one, you can, you'll, you'll, you'll know how the process works.
I would have been like, well, how many? I want to know specifically? How many have you?
Wasn't that aggressive?
I know I was such an aggressive patient. That's why me and my my un are friends.
Now.
Yeah, I was talking, mad Ship, I was, I need you to be more specific about the numbers.
I feel like.
I was like, I feel like you paid a lot of money for medical school and now you feel entire like you feel you have to tell me these things. But let's be honest. This is bullshit. Anyway, we have some listeners who had some questions for duelas okay, and she wants to know what are there? Well, you think you've covered the benefits of being a doula.
The cost? What is your costs? Generally?
Yeah, so everywhere is different. So I live in a city, a town called Santa Clarita, which is a suburb of La Right, So dula's with similar credentials and similar training and similar experience to me that live like in the heart of La they charge twenty twenty five hundred, three thousand or more sometimes, especially if they're like celebrity or high Adula is very very pricey. This little family suburb town I live in a lot of those moms can't
afford that as much. So it depends. I have different packages. But my services they go anywhere from like the fourteen hundred to the seventeen hundred price range.
And are you with them from the beginning of whatever they hire and after care to or how does so?
I tell all of my clients hire me as soon as you humanly possibly can. Even though I am a birth doula. My special right, like we talked about, like, my approach is a lot of that inner game, right, we need more time together In the beginning, I have books I want you to read. I have homework. I want you doing right. So I hire me as soon as you can. From the moment they hire me, they
have complete access to me. When they go into labor, I meet them at their birth and I stay with them until about an hour afterwards, make sure that their breastfeeding, while their skins to skin the placenta is delivered. Well, they're healthy, they feel good. Then I kick everyone out because it's time for them to bond as a family.
You probably remember that with Alana's birth. After so long, I was like, okay, there's twenty people learn everybody needs to go right because it's time for them to bond. Then I do a postpartum visit to make sure that everyone is doing well and nursing well and she's not struggling, everyone sleeping and eating things like that. But she still
has access to me. So she needs to send me a text message or needs resources, or is having trouble with an issue, or wants to shoot me an email or call me, she still has access to me.
Okay, what about how do you and the midwife collaborate, like do you oftentimes are you usually like does a midwife oftentimes suggest you to her client or do sometimes it's totally separate, like you don't even know this midwife. Yeah, and you guys, but do you guys have communication together? It is important that you guys have like a relationship or like, you know, some sort of planned.
To Yeah, totally. So it kind of varies. So I work a lot off of word of mouth, so I have fabulous marketing and I can get people finding me online all day long. But I found that those are actually my least favorite births. I found that my favorite births have been through somebody who recommended them because we like attracts like and we're similar minded, so there's a really good connection in bond there. So my clients, wherever they're delivering, I go to them. So if they're delivering
at hospital, we go to the hospital. If they're delivering it with a midwife, I go to them. So I'm completely separate from their care provider. But there is a lot oftors and midwives who do recommend my services because they see the difference in their patients when they show up. There's you know, two or three midwives here in LA that I work really closely with that are always referring to me and they're fabulous, And a lot of doctors that theaters even pass out my cards to their patients.
They're like, Hey, you want to be back, you want a natural birth, you need to call this chick.
Do you find that if you because you might not have interaction with a midwife thear for doing a home birth or whatever, that is there like some sort of hierarchy between midwife and dula. Is there some sort of like spoken like not all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but like I just feel like I don't know, like you're walking into a situation where you maybe never
met the midwife. The midwife has been supporting the woman this time, and then here comes someone else to support and they're like, it can be weird.
No, it totally can. Know it totally who you're meeting.
You guys need to be on the same page. You know, you don't know who you're wanting you too. And I think sometimes it becomes a little it becomes personal. You're you're assisting some through the birth and you almost get territorial.
Of your yes, whatever. So newer dulas that I'll mentors sometimes I encourage them to not do that, because it's really easy to get territorial. Right. So if I had never met your doctor before, and your doctor is saying things to you that are not quite true and not quite accurate, Let's say I was at your last birth, I'd be a little pissed and I'd get a little territorial. But that's where we really have to check ourselves as dulas and be like, this is not my birth right.
I'm here to help her find her voice and what she wants to do, not to save her. And there's a lot of dulas that are still trying to save people are trying to relive their own birth story, So we have to be careful with that. But it's also understanding the difference between the hat that adula wears and a care provider. So I'm not here to make medical decisions for you, right, I'm not here to give you
medical advice. I'm here to support you emotionally, physically, informationally, and give you the facts, right, the evidence based, unbiased information of what your real choices are, so you can choose what's best for you. So when I'm approaching that way, it's gonna go a lot better most of the time regardless,
but it is true sometimes. I've worked with one midwife one time, and she's a fantastic midwife, but she actually recommends she tells people not to get du lists, and it's her own personal shit she needs to work through because she likes feeling like the safer. She loves that feeling of id for this woman. And I did this right totally. And my whole thing is like, I want you to have such a beautiful birth. I want you
to take my coaching so well. I want you to be so coachable and teachable, and I want to do such a good job that you felt like you didn't even need me, and I was just there holding space for you, a fly on the wall in case an emergency happened. And that's ideally my favorite birth. Honestly.
The woman is empowered and.
When I've coached her well enough that she just rocks her birth and I'm just there to support you.
Know that. Do you recommend that if you are going to go, if you are having a home birth or birth center birth whatever with a mid way that and you also want a doula, that you connect the two together.
Like that you, Yeah, you can, but just don't be too pushy with it. So I have had I had a childbirth educator, which I'm one myself, but I had a childbirth educator once she teaches just a hypno birth thing and she was like, oh, you need to do that.
Just does hypno birthing. And it's so basically there's many different types of labor rightiet they're supposed to be kind of quiet because typically you have your headphones on and you're and you're listening to the affirmations and the things that help you go inward and go to that meditative state. It's basically how I would describe it in like pretty simple terms. Even though there's lots of ways to do it.
I did this, and I really recommend researching, Like who are you going to tap into? I think when I realized I was in the hospital and I was getting induced and I was like, okay, I started looking on my phone and I end that moment, don'tload this app, and literally I don't know why no one fucking turned it off, but for hours I'd done like an Australian and she's like.
You'll, baby is waiting to meet you.
All.
Baby is calming down, y'all baby?
Wait? Is that because I sent you that that expectful thing. You're like, as long as their voice isn't fucking annoying. It was like that meditated.
I can't forget it. I don't know why I was too I don't know. I was too hypnotized to turn that bitch.
Off, y'all baby, and not white to mate you that is hlarious USh.
Y'all baby down. Afterwards, everyone's making fun of me, like what the who.
Is this bitch? And you're like you let the bitch keep playing?
And then I had like I had, like girl, I printed out affirmations.
Yeah, bring my affirmations from the table, like, let them table on the wall.
I love the.
Reading and listening and you'll, baby, my baby is coming suddenly you're Australian.
Oh my, that's hilarious, my baby.
I'm sure the nurses were like, this bitch is crazy.
Oh my god, I love it.
Sometimes I trying to dance the baby down and like, I've never seen this method.
I was like, it's new, it is new, actually, oh my god, oh my god, that's hilarious. You're okay, that made my day?
Do your research and who you're gonna listen to for eight hour streight.
Yeah, well, so that's I guess the point of a huge part of hypno birthing would be to do it prior to labor and be very familiar with it so you know what you're doing when it happens and you go into it. It's not some crazy Australian bitch. But there's many different ways of you know, there's lamas, there's the Bradley method, there is hypno babies, there's hypno birthing, there's birthing from within, which is one of my favorite things.
There's so many different ways you can spend this right And basically, to answer your question earlier, there was a childbirth educator who was like, she's not an adequate to love for you because he's not certified in my course. She needs to come pay eight hundred dollars and be my assistant and be in my course. It was such full shit. So I straight up called her up and was like, so let's chat right. So it's hard, because yes, you want to connect them as much as you can.
But the reason why I called her is because I made it very clear to my clients well before they took this course. Listen, I have done it all, I've learned about it all. The problem I have with just doing hypno babies, and to any listeners out there that had the most amazing experience with hypo babies, more power to your sister. I'm not hating. I'm so happy. I'm so happy for you. But not everyone has that experience.
Right.
Sometimes that doesn't work, or it's some crazy Australian biship pisses you off. Right, it doesn't work all the time. Sometimes what you need is very different. Sometimes you need silence, some times you need visualization. Everyone's different. So I like to pull out all of the tools and see what works best for you in that moment and what you need.
Right.
So they were very pushy about, like she wants you to take her course. So I finally called her up and I was like, listen, this is all my experience I've had. I've read a lot in hypno birth, I've done a lot, I've experienced a lot of hypno birth, and I don't believe it's the only way. If my clients want to go this route, that's awesome, but I don't have time. I'm not coming to take your course. I flat out told her I was really and.
I appreciate you suggesting a third party that I need to take your goddamn course. Right.
It was really shitty the way she handled it, unfortunately, but it is what it is. Hopefully she's changed your ways a little bit since then.
To go off of that, as a duela, have you ever had to pass like step away from an unexpected mom because you guys were not vibing and like just because I know, it's just a sacred space that you hold together.
It's so sacred.
Yeah, So like, how does are you spicky about your client?
I also interview my clients, okay, and I tell all of them. Alana will tell you this. I tell all of them, Okay, you're going to go interview one or two or maybe three other duelists, not ten or twelve, because they're all gonna mess together and you're gonna forget him. I've had clients do that, just one or two and see of you vibe with and a lot of times like oh no, but we love you. I'm like, just
go see because what if you loved somebody more. Two times in eight and a half years, I've had a mom come back and be like, oh, my God, I feel like I'm breaking up with the love of my life because I love you so much. But you were right like this other person is like my soulmate. I'm like, it's all good, sister like that, So you should be with like we're having a baby. This is serious stuff. So that's happened twice.
That's how I am with my last clients. We're not gonna have this is not gonna work.
It's not working. So I have had that. I've had two berths where one of them I literally had to kick her husband out of the room and he I still worry. She was on my mind yesterday when I was on a walk, and I haven't seen her in years. I still worry about her to this day. He's not a healthy man, and I fear for her and that whole family. He knew how and it was for her to do everything natural, and as soon as he saw her in pain, he just started screaming at both of
us as she needs to have a SA section. It was very traumatizing for her. I had to kick him out. Once he left, she was fine and he came back way too soon. He's just very, very unhealthy man who needs to do a lot of work.
You know.
It's not evil man, it's not about man. He just needs a lot of help, you know. And then their second time around, she came back and she was like, hey, your prices have gone up significantly since our first birth with you. And I was like, well, that's because I was a newer Duela. I was only charging like, I think a thousand bucks at the time, and I'd given
them a discount and they'd gone up a lot. She's like, they're almost double the price, which they weren't, and she was trying to get me to come down really really low, and I was like, I physically can't. I have to run a business and I can only take so many clients per month, right, I don't like your husband and I you know. And I went to one of my mentors at the time and I'm like, I don't know what to do because I don't want to be at that berth. But I'm fearful for her if I'm not.
I had to really think about it and for a long time for her. Yes, yes, And I had in it for a really long time, and I just gave it up to God in the universe, and I'm like, what is meant to me is going to be. And I told her this is the bottom line, this is what I can come down to, and if you can't, that's okay. I wish she the most beautiful birth. Contacts me like a month later and she's like, we found a different Duela. Thank you so much, we love you.
I'm like, no problem getting email from her a year and a half later. She had a terrible, horrific birth experience. She's having a really hard time with her husband, and she didn't love her doula, and she just she poured out in that email. I fucking hated my birth. I hated my Duela, I hated everything. I wish you were there.
I miss you. I want you in my life. She really poured out, and I felt awful, but I was like, I knew that I wasn't supposed to be there because I do get protective and I'm sure they're like, I had to kick him out of the first birth. I can't imagine what I would have had to have done the second time. So I have had a few situations like that. I have. On one occasion, I saw a doctor he should literally be in jail for the way he physically abused this woman. Oh my god, it was
fucking horrible. Literally, that man should be hospital like jailed, like imprisoned. He's it was terrible. He physically abused her. You know, I've seen that, and I had to really step away and make that choice, Like do I leave this room because I can't handle this anymore. But I'm not supposed to say anything right, like I can get
big trouble. I'm not supposed to speak on my client's behalf right, And there was nobody else there with her, so I'm like looking at the nurses and I'm telling her to speak up for herself, and I'm doing the best I can. You know, that was another awful situation, unfortunately. But other than that, out of all the other clients I've had, like, those are my worst times where I've had to decide if this was something I should be a part of or not.
I have one other question. Yeah, but we could go all day and I'm like, I'm like, all the questions are flowing. Have you ever been present for a stillbirth?
Okay, thank god, I have it going wrong?
And like, how do how do you support after.
That things going wrong? Yes, I've been a part of that that's really hard as a doula, even for someone like me who will very proudly say I have a gift for it. I have a gift for when everything else is going wrong, I'm the calmest person in the room. So even then for me, there's it's difficult. The worst I can come that comes up to mine right now is I had a mom who baby was not still born, but baby was completely not responsive at all, no breathing,
no nothing. We called nine one one. It was a home birth, and not to scare people from home birth, because we are trained. Midwives are trained equally, if not in some cases better to handle like a newborn resuscitation better than the hospital is even right, so we call nine one one. They started resuscitation on the baby. And the reason why this one was so hard for me was because the parents were good friends of mine, longtime
good friends. I mean, it was very very personal, and I knew something was off during the labor because they wanted to birth. I have to be mindful of what I say right now because legally there's only so many things I could say. But where they wanted to birth that they were unable to outside of the home, so they ended up at the apartment they were living at, and she felt very uncomfortable and unsafe there. She felt like her neighbors could hear her. It wasn't the right
space for her. So long story short, baby is completely non responsive, called nine one one full resuscitation, and I just looked at mom and dad and dad was losing it, and I just said, you, guys, the only thing you can do right now is you need to talk to your baby, because that baby needs a reason to live right now. That baby needs to hear mom and dad and know that there's something waiting for me. So they started singing Wheels on the bus, which they they used
to read the Wheels on the Bus book. Yeah, I know, I'm getting hill. And they used to read Wheels on the Bus book to their baby when she was in womb. And oh god, chills everywhere in my legs. And they started singing wheels on the bus and I'm like, keep going, keep going. And what felt like, you know, twenty thirty minutes. It was actually three minutes, which is a long time. But baby started screaming. Okay, before the paramedics or anyone
got there. Babies find baby screaming and afterwards, Mom was okay because her baby was on her chest and she's like, my baby is here. So she was fine because all she needed was that baby. But for Dad, Dad's like watching the love of his life and his baby. He just experienced. He was not well. He was not well. So that was me again wanting to lose my own shit, but not in taking Dad to the corner and doing some serious duel of work. And I'm like, listen, paramedics
are going to be here in a minute. This is what's going to happen. These are the steps, this is the process. Legally, technically, baby mom don't have to go to the hospital after that because they're all totally fine. But we recommended in that specific situation for specific reasons like baconium and things like that, that we wanted baby to be seen at the hospital anyways, So we knew they were going to go to the hospital and that I just just preparing him for what's going to happen,
because it is so rare that something like this happens. However, how do you think the medical staff is going to treat them when they get there with their baby and tell them.
They got a home burn?
Yeah?
Because total totally it's going to be awful. And here's the thing. No, everything's totally fine. And here's the thing. I have been a part of a lot of transports. Some of them were medically necessary, some of them were Mom just needed an epidirl and she's been laboring for three days, and the poor they needed a break. You know, we're not opposed to, Hey, mom needs to go to
the hospital's go hospital, right. So I've been a part of a lot of transports, and there have been times where the paramedics have shown up and they know the midwife, she's their midwife right for their babies, or they know me, I'm their Dulan. They're like, hey, and they're so loving and so awesome. And we get there and we know those doctors and nurses and they're super receptive. But that is not always the case. There are many places all over the country that it's exactly what you guys said.
It's a lot of fear, it's a lot of bullshit, and I just I just prepped him for the worst to come. And they did get treated really bad when they first got there.
But and just for the record, because I have watched a lot of birds online, if you watched like animals birds, Sometimes the baby's laying there for a minute or two.
Three minutes.
And yes, sometimes I know this.
Sounds crazy, that like the primal instinct for the mom the animals like never panic.
They're just like I've watched an elephant.
Just give them a little bit. Yeah, they're just letting them know, like, hey, you need to live now. And that's a mom and dad were doing when they're singing. They're just letting them know.
Hate.
I know you recognize this voice, give you a reason, let's go, because it's.
Literally even like I read about like rubbing on the spine, like there's it's literally, you guys in transition that's happening.
A soul is encompassing a vessel y. So sometimes they're like where am I coming? I don't want to go.
I hate that place again again jumps it off as.
Oh my god, sometimes I need a minute. But for the record, Jamila, just so you know, that same family as planning baby number two right now, years and years later, they are planning a home birth, and they said they would not have changed a single thing the way that they did it.
That's amazing, not a single thing. That must feel so good for you too in your work. Well, thank you, thank you for what you do. I'm glad I be able to talk to you, especially because I do want to have a kid at some point, Like, yeah, I want to know that. I like, I feel thank god now I have more support I have, you know this podcast. I have a community of women that we listen to that I feel like are my friends that you know, we just and I get to speak to people like
you where I feel supported. You know, So this time around, no matter who baby, daddy, family, ain't nothing penetrating what the fuck.
I want to.
Sometimes you have to say fuck it and go with your some conversations.
You got to let people know I'm not it's not a conversation. It's not up for discussion. I've made my decision and this is me.
I'm not discussing it.
And whether that's a hospital, whether that's home birth, whatever it is.
Mom in law, mama, dad and sister brother, like, it's not a discussion.
Only that's so true.
True, respect my decision. It's my birth, it's my experience. Even Daddy and.
Have a birth plan, and that's it.
You have to be so honoring in that way.
Yeah, honor yourself.
And with that said, I know you have kind, you have a read you have the so female network that you have resources for your listeners to tap into if they're considering whatever they're considering and they need support. So let us absolutely find you and all your amazing work.
So I'm a CEO. I own three different companies and the most recent one marries all of this, so everything women's health. You're trying to get pregnant, trying to not get pregnant, You want to be back, you want a breastfeed, you want a hospital birth, it doesn't matter what you're looking for. We have a community that is a membership site. There's a ton of free resources on there. It's so
Dashed female dot com. And I have a book that's coming out that's the first step that starts to teach one and how to connect with their bodies and use tools like essential oils, meditation, mindfulness to help that process. Right. That's getting ready to come out too, And you can go to the site. You can get the book there, you can get free resources, you can sign up for the free newsletter and just get support, unbiased, evidence based
support wherever you're at in your journey. Girl, We just want you to do you and we want to love on you and that's it.
Thank you, You're welcome.
So is that the best place for them to find you?
Yeah, I don't know. So website is great, so dash female dot com. But other great resources Instagram is the Doulah. Instagram is grounded Mamas m a m as so dash female right for so Female. And then I have a wellness Instagram as well, which is at the dot dream dot Thinker, so the dream Thinker with dots in between, and I give to away tons of resources and information there as well that you guys can DM me, email me, connect with me and my assistant directly there and get all this support.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for having me so fun to connect with us. I know, crying in your arms, I'm so proud, but hey, this was only one time. Girl. At some point I'm going to have you crying in my arms.
This is probably true. Well, we'll catch you guys later.
Make sure you follow us at Good Mom's Underscore, Bad Choices. Follow go to our website, Good Momsbad Choices dot com, subscribe to our newsletter by some merch. You can also watch this episode on our Patreon. I know you guys like to hear our sex dyvoy this, but also we're kind of cute. It's so sam so you probably want to watch, So go check out our patreon. We have some cool stuff on there to other offers, and.
That's it right.
Also, we're going to do a meet up at Hollywood Cemetery on August tenth.
It's Voice in the Hood. If you're in La, you needs.
To come for West Love is dding.
We're bringing tequila.
You must buy tickets now. They might be sold out already by the time you heard this episode.
Okay, bye bye bye.
Tie.
How beautiful.
It's nothing more than two way a time storm. I've never been in love like this before. Now let me pray to keep you from the parables that will surely come to life for you, my friends, has just beyond.
And I thank you for choosing me to come through to life to be a beautiful reflection of his grades. See I know how to gain so great is only one se