Co-Parenting 101

Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices.

I'm Miila and I'm Erica and it's Wednesday. Happy Wednesday, Happy Homeday. Hope you guys are doing well. If you haven't done so yet, please please please go on Apple Podcasts and leave us, rate us and leave us a review.

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Okay, cool. So you know we've been asked a lot about co parenting and how we manage our co parenting schedules and if we have any tips tricks on co parenting, and the answer is we do, but we're not masters. We're not masters because it takes two people to mask. So like you know, I am perfect, obviously, so you

Sometimes you don't have a great relationship now, but if you practice some of these steps, maybe you'll get to the place where you want to go. These are just ways to help two non romantic parents co parent together in a successful way. People do always ask about this all the time, but Eric, Eric's metaphor for this is by far the best metaphor I've heard.

This is what she told her baby daddy, and ever.

Since it's been sticking with me. I also told my baby daddy this after Erica said it.

Number One thing is basically, I think of your child as like the super Bowl. Okay, so this is like the biggest game of your life, and so often we want, you know, obviously positive results. We want to win. We want our kids to win, want them to be the champion. Right, But you have to be able to communicate with your partner.

You can't lead your child to the goal of winning if you're not communicating with the coach and the team.

Right.

It's just mandatory.

It's mandatory. And I think a lot of that two falls under the category of stop delivering messages through your kids. So communicate directly to the person you had the baby with. Now, obviously, if you're listening, you're like, my naga, don't he sucks? He don't communicate. I get it. I get that part, But you have to at least try. And maybe if you know men love football, maybe if you use Erica's metap babe, if mephor of the super Bowl, our baby is the super Bowl and we want to lead her

With that being said, co parenting is depends on each parent and how capable they are of being mature and cooperating with the goal. So we're going to go through a list of eight things ish that we think are some.

Very crucial co parenting tips that can lead you to success.

However, if you don't have the type of co parent that is willing to be mature and communicate, the number one thing is don't I mean, you have to communicate, but keep it to a minimum, keep it at I mean if it's just text messages. For me personally, I have a up and down relationship with my co parent, so I've had to draw back and give and draw back and give depending on.

The other person.

So if your person is not willing to be mature, I've learned that I've had to cut off all other communication unless it's just regarding the child.

I'm dropping her off, I'm picking her up, and even when that doesn't work, I will mediate through a third person.

I won't drop off. I will drop her off at your mom's. You can get her.

I don't.

Obviously that's not any way that anyone wants the situation to go. But I've learned that the more I give, the more he's.

What he can. He can piss me off.

If we have small talk, then there's room for you to say shit that I didn't welcome and ask and it's not it doesn't regard the child, So I've just kept it very minimal. Very transactional and then that's it. And I've also learned when you don't have someone that's on the same page as you, you can't do shit like go to Disneyland together.

Yeah, you know for those of you that are listening that, like you know you you you feel like your child is missing out because they're not seeing you guys parent together, like physically, Like we're going to the movies together because Johnny needs to see his parents and he wants Johnny needs memories of parents going to the movies together. No, Johnny, the fuck doesn't okay, especially if you guys have not really step severed ties fully emotionally. Now, don't get it twisted.

Like if there's resentment or romantic entanglement still that exists, you need to in order.

To help minimize that zero peepings.

It's trans You gotta be transactional essentially, Like, don't feel the need to, like ask the nigga how his day is going, like, we don't need to know, like and you know, and it takes two. You have to create those boundaries because sometimes you're not even doing it, it's the other person.

And then you become you. You're so caught up in that routine that you begin to communicate that same way I've done it.

So you have to kind of decide do you want to have a amicable relationship. Sometimes that means you kind of got to be a little cold and you kind of have to dead that relationship in that way. So you have to set those boundaries. You don't need to go to Disneyland, you don't.

Need to go to the movie no, like And.

I had to learn that too, Like I really did, because I felt like, because I didn't have that growing up. I wanted Iri to see, like us do those things. I wanted her to have those memories and whatever. She has some of them, but I've realized that it's just not healthy in the long term for our relationship in co parenting to do that because it confuses and muddles the line for.

The for the other person, sometimes for you if you're the one still holding onto something and a lot of times for the child. And also if you're going to go somewhere and not speak to the other person anyway, it's actually pointless.

Yeah, Like what's the point of going to dinner where no one's talking.

And the energy is off? Kids feel energy.

They may not know the complexity of what's going on between mom and dad, but they know shit ain't feeling right.

So go with I'll never forget. I'm like, I went to baby Daddy asked me that it took me out for Mother's Day. This was like two years ago. It was like probably the last Mother's Day we spent together, and like we didn't even talk the whole time, Like it was just we were just sitting there, not talking. It was the most pointless. What the fuck was the point?

Why?

No point? Your child is not seeing you engage in a healthy way.

And the truth is it kind of irritated me. It actually infuriated me, and I realized this is just.

Not because I was there. I would I would have communicated. He just didn't. He don't really ever know how to communicate anyway. So it was just pointless. And now my daughter sees that we have weird energy and we're at dinner. Okay, great, we did this dinner, but like why yeah.

What are we really saying here anyway?

Yeah, so that's I would say super Bowl could be considered number one.

But maybe that's just opening the opening statement, opening statement, how to open the conversation.

And number two is like setting the boundaries of like are you?

Like there are we?

Let's let's be realistic about where are we in this cold parenting situation. I could want a cool parent like uh Alicia Keys and her and to speeds, but.

If that I don't have that type of dynamic. I can't do that.

So be realistic about measuring where if that is realistic for you.

And third, my favorite most valuable tip.

I love this tip. This tip is crucial.

Please listen up. This is important. This schedule. You have to find a schedule that works for both parents.

And when I say both parents, I means the dad needs to take those motherfucking kids too.

And that doesn't mean just on Saturday and Sunday.

Okay, there are thirty to thirty one days and every month and the dad doesn't get to only get eight Okay, that's just not normal.

We made if you went half on a baby, we will go half on raising the child.

So we may have heard this before, I'm gonna tell you again because it's you should pay me for this valuable information. You start the one week Monday Tuesday, one parent has the child, Wednesday Thursday, the other parent has the child Friday Saturday Sunday. Back with the parent the parent from Monday and Tuesday, and then you continue to switch. So Monday Tuesday, one parent, Wednesday Thursday, the other parent Friday, Saturday Sunday the other parents.

Basically, you always get a weekend because some I know some moms that like never get there. They're setup is that they never get a weekend ever. And I'm like why, Like, obviously now COVID with all this shit going on, like weekends, they are weeks. It doesn't matter. But at some point we're gonna go back and people are gonna you need your weekend.

I need my weekend, and not even just the weekend. It's more about I send no parents who like, oh, you know, Cindy only takes the kid to school and to soccer and to piano because those only fallen weekdays. And then dad over here or mom whatever usually dad. Let's be real gets the fun shit on the weekend, you know, and it just doesn't work. It doesn't work out that way. So that way, every parent is fulfilling

Hopefully, the point is is once you go there.

Then you can be more lenient and say, hey, maybe you take these amount of days and I take this amount of days, or you keep her and then I'll keep her more so that it's fair and we're working together and it's making sense.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely be flexible, but like, also.

Start this way so that you can go you can, you can you can grow to flexibility because there's kind of we've had a standard of what the schedule looks.

And it really gives your kid more structure so she or he knows what's happening, what's coming, whose house they're going to, and they don't feel bounced around constantly. Yeah yeah, okay. So number four would be give them the same courtesy

It's very basic, very difficult if you're not getting the like, the reciprocated energy. But I think you gotta do, you know, lead by example. If you're dealing with somebody who is completely just dumb, Court Court is the next step. Yes, yeah, I mean, try all these steps, but ultimately, like Court.

I agree, I agree, you know, I've I've shied away from court. I have never done that, and neither is Mila, because I don't know, like it hasn't gotten to that point yet. Really. However, I have a friend who who it did get to that point. We're actually talking yesterday and she was like, girl, it was it's I'm so glad I did this. It just it was so hard at first. There was so much drama at first, but

So I think it's black people.

Though when we think about like court, I think we think about like involving the people in our business.

Right, well, it is it's involving people in our business and them telling us how to run our household and.

Just letting people in your business. Because I'll be honest, I went to the courtroom once to get to try and file for child support. First of all, there's handy like fifty five loose pages that don't make fucking sense. It's it's expensive in California to file for child support, like five hundred and fifty five dollars or some shit, And I'm like, why the fuck would I be filing for child support if I had five hundred and fifty

You know, I have fuck this shit, So don't get discouraged.

Sometimes it's easy to go through that to get to the fucking happy end, and you got to go through the ship to do it.

So I think also, I think if someone's not.

Helping you financially, court, don't take it out on time spent. Think that's fair, you know, like, if I'm dumb and I decided not to fill the fifty pieces of paper and not get money, that's on me.

But I'm not going to.

Ever stop my kid from seeing her dad because of finances. I don't really think that's fair. I know women who do think that's fair, and I kind.

Of get it.

I do. You got to do the whole shit. You can't do half of it.

But that's why I say, if there's conflict financially, do court. But if you can, you know, at least come up with a schedule that's good for the kid.

Stick with that as much.

As possible, right, and also try to keep everything in text messages and emails so that if you.

Do go to court, it's documented.

You have the shit documented.

Absolutely.

This one, this last one, one of the last ones, and not one of the last ones.

Well, one of the last ones.

Is this came from Erica's therapist, which I thought was great, was no matter what, keep a picture of the family, parents and child together went in the household.

I think that's very that makes sense. So there's visual.

In each household. You know your mom or your dad, and you see them together, and you grow up with those pictures because you don't just leave the house of your mom and then she disappears and doesn't exist. You know, you guys are still a unit to your child, and so to have that image around the household while they grow up, I think is important.

Especially if you guys are amicable and like you are and can keep it at least in public in front of your child amicable. It really, I feel like is impactful for the child to see their parents and know that they came together in love. Yeah, they came from love. They came together in love, and that there's no big separation and hiding of this previous relationship that created them.

In front of your child, and don't argue in front of your child.

I think though that's a really big one, is like the not arguing in front of them, not talking badly and not assuming that your kid doesn't know that you're talking about and.

It's and trust me, like it's much easier to fuck this up than it is not to. I mean we've done it, like yeah, we would be lying to say otherwise. And I've argued in front of my kid and I and I had my parents argued in front of me,

Oh my god, I remember the extreme anxiety I had about, you know, my parents arguing, and just I was the messenger constantly like I'm going through this list because my coat. My parents were terrible co parents, horrible, fucking terrible, and so all these things they did not do, like arguing in front of me, delivering messages, ain't no super Bowl, and my daddy was a football player, and like it

That dies in around three or four, because they're gonna know other letters. They're even know what sounds like, and they know the tone of what you're talking about.

And even so like even me, like I've I've made this mistake and thought that I was getting away with it. She knows. She knew because she understood that my energy would change just when I talked about him. Even if I didn't say his name, she would know I was talking about him, just based on the attitude or like the way the inflections in my voice. Like I remember we're one day were I'm seeing a cheesecake factory and I was talking to Sebastian about him. I didn't say

And I was like, oh yeah.

So just be careful with that, Like your kids, think about when you were a kid and how much you understood. As adults, we forget, we really really forget.

We almost insult our kids intelligence a lot, and I remember feeling that way as a child, like they're fucking dumb. So I tried to not. I try to not do the same thing. Even though I do it, It's hard and I'm a work in progress because let's be real, like your feelings, your emotions get worked up, and then you want to talk to someone who's sitting next to you about it, and you forget because they're always around.

One more thing.

This list is for co parenting, but this is for people who are in relationships with their co parent as well. You could live in the same household with someone and not communicate. I remember speaking of parents because my parents fought all the time in front of me, like a lot so fucking annoying. Second, one time, my dad, my dad let me go to Paris with my cousin the first the first week of school and didn't tell my mom until the morning I was leaving what he he bought,

Mom bougiest story I ever heard, packing my bag.

My mom is so fucking heated. I was gone for like two weeks and she two weeks pissed. I went to like some fucking Catholic school. I was like the first two weeks, I wasn't missing shit, and I felt like it was a once in a lifetime and it was.

But the opportunity to share this information.

Well, my mom is unreasonable, but as a result, she didn't talk to me the whole time I was in Paris, and whatever, I didn't care I was in Paris. But the point is it's very possible for two parents to not be communicating in the same household. So don't think this list is exclusive to single parents, right, don't argue in front of them. Don't fucking send your kid to Paris and not tell the other parent. Most importantly is once you drop that baby off, have fun.

Do you boo? Okay, don't have your good look, You're gonna have guilt, but just push through it and do whatever the fuck it is that you need to do. You don't need to if you want to call in the morning and the night. I'm not gonna tell you how often you should be calling your kid Soles.

I'm gonna be honest. I'll confess sometimes I don't call.

Sometimes I don't call either because I know if I call.

She's gonna remember that she she misses me, then she's gonna be mad at me. And sometimes you need to just be over there and be where you're at. A lot of times we're worried about our kids missing us. But kids have like a one dimensional, no social media mind. They're where they're at, doing what they're doing, having a good fucking time, you know, blowing bubbles and shit.

Don't interrupt that.

I agree.

You know, sometimes you gotta just not be the mom or the dad, and you got to just go fully into wherever you're going and go there and then on Monday check back in.

That's okay, you know, it doesn't mean you're the worst fucking parent on earth. No, even though the nail lady tried to shame me yesterday. Why she was like, you're going you're going out of town. Oh, that's very long, you're taking your daughta. I was like no, She was.

Like, oh, she's gonna miss you. I was like, hurry up and finish this tip.

People are always going to try to guilt you, probably because they got some of their own shit going on. Don't let people guilt you about your free time, especially moms. Men do it all the time. Men take care of shit, go out of town, don't know what the fuck they'd be doing over there, and nobody says shit. So take that same mentality when I go out of town when I need space when I'm like, I need to handle myself.

Can you hold her for two weeks so I can fix shit or whatever.

I don't feel bad about it because guys do it all the time and the children survive.

Right, I agree. I agree with all those things.

Oh you know what.

One last tip, I don't know if it's a tip, but it's just slided in there. That I that I do with my family and him is that we're on a group text. I don't know if like you guys, if you're listening, are like in a space where you can do that. But it's helpful to be in a group text with the family, so you can share things, their accomplishments, so they moment moments, so he can know and I can know. Grandparents can know, Yeah, what's happening

Even if you just start then hopefully eventually that other person will catch.

On right, and just sharing your kids accomplishments grades all those things. And also it's a good way to have a track record of what the fuck's happening. So those are our tips.

That concludes our list of co parenting tips.

And most importantly, just say a prayer, because honestly, this is what that shit really requires. It's just a prayer because everybody knows like it's already hard to deal.

With an X and then you just throw a fucking whole human in the mix and you can't cut the other person off. So good luck with that.

Good luck with that. And if you guys have any other tips that you think we missed, or you have any tips for us, because maybe you guys are farther along in your co parenting journey, please share them. Let us know what they are dm us. You can leave a comment under this video on our Patreon and.

We love we love contribution, and we'd love to hear stories of successful co parenting real quick. I went to our friends son's second birthday party and her ex showed up with his new twenty five year old girlfriend, and she was very mature about it. She actually invited her. She's like, she's gotta be in her live their lives anyway, fuck it. They just broke up.

He just moved out that she came to the party, and I was like.

Okay, you real mature over here, because I don't know if I could do it.

So you know, it's just like.

Be the Jaden Will channel Jaden Will Yeah, and send in your successful cold parenting tips.

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